Help me out here with a dck. We'll call this child dck A. Dck A has been having some fits at my house and when we are out and about. I talked with parents and they were great about it. Mom said that dck sometimes needs to color, journal or have special blanket to help fit subside. She also talked with her child and things went great last week and most Tuesday. Dck A is only here 3 days/week.

Today the kids were coloring before nap time. I had given time warnings that it was close to clean up and rest time. Dck A wanted a marker that other dck B had. Dck B was more than willing to give up the marker when done. Dck A started getting closer and closer to Dck B trying to take the marker. I told Dck A that he/she was done coloring and to start picking up markers. Dck A started to throw a fit by throwing markers, kicking the marker box, kicking me and Dck B.

I sent Dck B off to nap without an issue so I could handle Dck A. Dck A starts running through the house kicking me, toys, etc... I finally grab Dck A to stop the running and destruction. Then Dck A tries to bite me. I sat on the floor with the child in my lap so we can pick up the markers. Dck A tries to hit, kick and bite me again.

I remembered that mom said coloring, journaling and blanket help. Well, we were already coloring so that wasn't going to happen. I found the blanket, and Dck A picks up and apologizes.

I don't believe that a child should need a blanket to complete a task, but what can I do?

I really love the family. Dck is adorable, but doesn't like for things not to go his/her way.

I really do like this child. Dck can be the sweetest thing around, but not when mad.

I felt I gave plenty of warning that coloring time was coming to an end. Obviously, it ended a little sooner for Dck A due to naughty behavior.

ETA: The preschool dcks attend have had some of the same issues that I have had. Mainly with spitting on other kids, name calling, and rough behavior. I don't think they've dealt with fits.

Thanks for reading Be gentle please.

Kelly

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How old is this child? I don't GIVE fit throwing children anything to "comfort" them or make them happy.

If the child is old enough, he calm down spot or a plain ole time out is what I'd use. No way would I give them a blanket or colors if they were having a fit.

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I 100% agree with this. I have children 2-5 here.

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I do NOT reward negative behavior. Ever!

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The child is 4. At that point there isn't calming down and if I get anywhere near I'm going to get kicked. I've never had this situation before.

I know it sounds crazy that this is happening. I'm frustrated because I do like the family and child. I want to work with them.

Kelly

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At that age I'd do a time out. 4 minutes. I do NOT allow aggressive behavior.

I would talk to the parents, draw up a behavior plan, and follow through. And in no uncertain terms I would explain to the parents that I will not give comfort items or toys during a tantrum. In the end, they need to be on he same page and be working on this at home.

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Ok, I understand what everyone is saying and I agree. But, what would you have done in that situation? I did take away the toys he brought and put them in his bag. He isn't allowed to have them for the remainder of the day.

At the point of the meltdown I'm unsure what I should have done. I feel like my hands are tied. I don't want to put my hands on dck too much for fear of squeezing an arm too hard when I see a fist or hand coming my way. Or dropping the child because I was kicked. My stern voice wasn't doing any good.

I'm at a loss. I have never had a kid do this.

Kelly

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I give time outs, but how do you get a kid that is hitting, kicking and biting into a time out. That is what I'm having an issue with.

I'm also trying to figure out if I'm somehow escalating the fit. I feel like parents are dancing around the fit by giving comfort items, and they may not agree with what I did.

I hope I'm making sense. Sorry if I'm not. This is frustrating.

Kelly

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Wow this is tough. I wish I had answers for you. The best I can think of is remove yourself and other children from near him and ignore the tantrum.











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How should I word this conversation with mom and dad?

Kelly

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I know it's easier said than done, but I simply take them to time out. I'm bigger than they are. It seems hat this is something his parents have allowed to go too far. THEY need to step up and support you in this. They need to follow through.

I always get down to their level and explain why they are going to time out. I sternly say "xxxx is NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!!!" I assist them into time out. If they get out, time starts over. When they are done, explain again, they apologize, hugs, off to play etc. rinse and repeat.

His parents need to understand that his aggression and fits can hurt another child. It's serious business. And a liability.

As nannyde says... They simply need to STOP IT.

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"Mom, we need to talk about xxx's aggressiveness. We need to work together to stop the hitting, kicking, and biting so that other children don't get hurt. I am not willing to give him toys or comfort items during these fits. We need to out together a plan of action both at home and here so this doesn't go any farther"

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I feel better after getting it out. I'll talk with mom and dad again. They really are a nice family.

Kelly

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I might use a pac n play for a child being that aggressive. A 4 year old can understand consequence and expectation. I would start the day with "So happy to see you!" and then explain kindly that when dck throws fits they are putting themselves and others in danger so they need to have a safe space to be. I would show the child the pac n play and explain it doesn't mean I don't love you, but when you are unsafe I must help you be safe.

If child throws a fit, in they go until it stops.

Good luck. Children that large being aggressive is dangerous.

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I agree. This is a dangerous situation. YOU could get hurt, another child could get hurt, and (VERY likely) the child could get injured if he jerked away or flung himself down while you were very gently leading him by the hand to a quiet spot to calm down. I would be very, very, very nervous about working with an aggressive child this old for fear of him doing something like that, which would look like you harmed him.

I completely disagree with giving him special toys or a special blanket to calm down. At 4 years old, that's unreasonable. It really looks like you are rewarding the behavior.

If he throws a tantrum, can you guide him into a room that's gated--and somewhere where you can see him but he can't interact with or hurt anyone else? This is kind of like the Pack-N-play idea but a larger space. I could see a 4 year old climbing right out of a Pack-N-Play.

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I agree with PP's and would add that when you talk to mom and dad you also use Kindergarten being right around the corner...schools will NOT put up with this so they need to get a handle on his behavior sooner vs. later. Otherwise I am seeing lots of trips to the school in their future.

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Pick them up and put them there if they won't walk. I would literally cradle dck like a baby, holding his arms and legs tight so he can't kick/hit and I would physically put him in a time out. Get down to his level, tell him why he's there and to sit there until you come get him. If he gets up, say nothing, just put him back in the spot, and reset the timer. Rinse and repeat. The first couple days will probably be horrible but after that he SHOULD start to catch on. Ugh good luck

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I didn't get to read all of the responses, but the only thing that I saw is that you gave DCK A zero warning of any kind and went straight to YOu are DONE.

I would have jumped in and been proactive once I saw the child moving closer to the other child.

DCK A can you please use your words? It looks like you need some help.

DCK A tells you I want that marker B has.

Ok so can you ask B for it nicely, DCK then asks B, can I please use the marker? B says no. YOu jump in and say B, lets be nice to our friends. Can you tell A that he can use it as soon as you are done. B will say ok.

OR I would have jumped in again being proactive (especially this close to nap times, kids are just not really in control of their emotions due to being tired) and said, A it looks like you need some help. so you go over and help A, he says I want a blue marker too, ok well can you use your manners and I will be so happy to get you one.

I have kids that without warning will flip out to the high heavens too. I found that being proactive and helping guide will really squash things before they happen.

I don't allow any activities before lunch time. We eat, toilet and go straight to naps....

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I would not do this....sorry I know we can agree to disagree, but I would never pick up a child against their will. now you are asking to be kicked or hit in the face. I would leave them be where they are and walk away.

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Sorry, yes, I had told Dck A to stop and be patient. Dck A had moved once, was told to move back, did move back, but was over there again. We had asked Dck B for the marker and that child was almost done with it. I feel I was very proactive and gave plenty of warning.
The post was getting long so I had to leave some out. I only put in what I thought was most important.

Kelly

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I talked to dad and he was super nice about it. He is a K teacher so he wants us to be on the same page too. Still trying to decide if I'll fight against giving the blanket or not. I'll only have him until summer and then he'll be off to K in the fall. He's my awful veggie eater also. I decided that it wasn't my job to get him to eat them, which has made lunch time much calmer.

I'll keep an eye on situations and see where I can be more proactive with him. We'll get through it.

Kelly

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