Daycare.com Forum
Parents and Guardians Forum>Screaming Child at Pickup
lovemykidstoo 06:35 PM 06-05-2014
I usually don't have any problems with kids at the end of the day when their parents pickup. A mom comes today and for some reason dcg, just turned 4, wanted to open the door to leave right as mom had her hands on the handle. DCG goes into full blown hysterics screaming that she wanted to open the door. Mom said, fine, open it. Dcg doesn't, but still stands there screaming, kicking, smacking her mother. Mom finally gets her out to the car and the girl throws herself on my driveway for honestly 15 minutes screaming bloody murder. Mom tries to pick her up and tries to get her in the car, but she's fighting like a wild kid. The neighbors probably thought that someone was killing her. Mom half the time is just standing there looking at her and trying to talk to her. I closed the door and watched from the window. Finally after 15 minutes I went out there and asked if I could help. I talked to dcg and tried to divert her attention to something else and it worked. She calmed right down and got in the car, but seriously omg!! So glad I have tomorrow off!
Michael 07:25 PM 06-05-2014
Some similar threads on pick up behavior. https://www.daycare.com/forum/tags.p...ck+up+behavior
Josiegirl 03:07 AM 06-06-2014
Was she okay up until that point? I think sometimes kids hold a lot of emotions in all day til they get with their parents; they then have their safe place to let off steam. My kids(or so I was told by teachers) were really good at school all day, then as soon as they got home, they turned into wild little bears.
Yep, kids have meltdowns sometimes.
And I don't care what people say about the terrible twos, my girls always put me through he!! between the ages of 4-5.
Yep, kids have meltdowns sometimes.
And I don't care what people say about the terrible twos, my girls always put me through he!! between the ages of 4-5.
lovemykidstoo 04:24 AM 06-06-2014
She was totally okay before that. This has never happened here with her. The mom talks about how it happens at home all the time. The thing that got me was how the mom just stood there looking at her while she's laying on the ground in my yard screaming bloody murder. Then she had her in the car while I was watching from the window and I thought cool, she's in the car, and then all of a sudden she's back out of the car continuing to scream. I know kids get super human strength when they're mad, but seriously, she just turned 4 and you're an adult. Put her butt in the car. She just allowed her to have so much power. My kids were not angels either at that age, but I never once had that happen and they did throw fits on occasion, but I took control of the situation when it happened.
Blackcat31 07:44 AM 06-06-2014
To avoid this type of thing and for safety reasons, I do NOT allow DCK's to touch doors/door knobs.
Adults only. This helps curb the "I wanna do it..." issues.
As for the tantrum, I reward/have consequences for the kids the following day based off their behaviors at pick up. This helps the kids understand that expected behavior means "all" the time and not just at one place under one person's care. It also helps the kids understand "big world" thinking.
Adults only. This helps curb the "I wanna do it..." issues.
As for the tantrum, I reward/have consequences for the kids the following day based off their behaviors at pick up. This helps the kids understand that expected behavior means "all" the time and not just at one place under one person's care. It also helps the kids understand "big world" thinking.
Josiegirl 10:46 AM 06-06-2014
I'm not condoning what dcm did at all in how she handled dd. But I remember being out in semi-public places with my dds and they'd start pulling one of their choice moments of throwing a tantrum with me. I always felt on display and judged for how I would handle it. I wonder if she was thinking that too? I remember when I was in a book store with my 5 yo dd, she was throwing a major fit and I had my other dd too who would've been 3 1/2. I dragged my 5 yo up the stairs and out the door; I got some looks you wouldn't believe like I was abusing her. I wonder if parents are sometimes afraid of 'how it would look', KWIM?
But yeh, pick up that kid and plop them right into their seat, let 'em scream. It's their job.
But yeh, pick up that kid and plop them right into their seat, let 'em scream. It's their job.
lovemykidstoo 01:16 PM 06-06-2014
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
To avoid this type of thing and for safety reasons, I do NOT allow DCK's to touch doors/door knobs.
Adults only. This helps curb the "I wanna do it..." issues.
As for the tantrum, I reward/have consequences for the kids the following day based off their behaviors at pick up. This helps the kids understand that expected behavior means "all" the time and not just at one place under one person's care. It also helps the kids understand "big world" thinking.
Can I ask what your consequence would be the following day for a 4 yr old? Any age really. She doesn't come again until next Wednesday.To avoid this type of thing and for safety reasons, I do NOT allow DCK's to touch doors/door knobs.
Adults only. This helps curb the "I wanna do it..." issues.
As for the tantrum, I reward/have consequences for the kids the following day based off their behaviors at pick up. This helps the kids understand that expected behavior means "all" the time and not just at one place under one person's care. It also helps the kids understand "big world" thinking.
I agree Josie, that kids will do that and people do look and judge. I have been there too. I guess the way mom reacted to it is what really irritated me. I was more upset with the mom than the chiild. She starts throwing a fit because she couldn't open the door and so mom says well fine go ahead and the kid just lays there on my floor screaming and kicking. The mom continues to stand there and fold her arms looking at her and continues to say go ahead and open it. Opportunity #1 to take her by the arm and leave. Then after she does get her out the door for her to continue to lay on the ground and continue the screaming and kicking for 15 straight minutes. The entire time the mom just stands there and stares at her and doesn't try to do anything. Then once she does have her at least in the car, how in the heck do you let her out. Use your body to keep her in the car. I don't know if anyone remembers recently me posting about the little girl that says she has a sister that is a ghost and mom is bi-bipolar, suffers from depression, on medication. this is them. I think it's ridiculous that I have to be the one that eventually gets her in the car. Just what I feel like doing at the end of the day. I'm sure my neighbors loved it too. The dcg did have scratches on her arm where mom snagged her. The mom showed them to me and I said, well that's what happens when she's out of control, can't be helped. The mom did thank me in the end of it all.
Blackcat31 01:57 PM 06-06-2014
Originally Posted by lovemykidstoo:
Can I ask what your consequence would be the following day for a 4 yr old? Any age really. She doesn't come again until next Wednesday.
Here we have certain activities (Barbie's, things with small pieces, salon center, etc) that ONLY my big kids are allowed to do. Can I ask what your consequence would be the following day for a 4 yr old? Any age really. She doesn't come again until next Wednesday.
Here we have little kids (not potty trained) and big kids (most my preschoolers)
The big kids get to play specific centers that have things that one would never let little play... (liquids, glue, scissors, tiny beads, paints etc)
When a child behaves as a "little" the night before (this includes getting their own shoes on and carrying their own items) then they get delegated to playing with things that are "behavior appropriate".
She would lose the privilege of playing with our "big kid" stuff the next day.
It's hard to explain...although it is a super easy concept. Act big or don't play with the big kids and the big kid stuff.
I hope that makes sense...
lovemykidstoo 02:28 PM 06-06-2014
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
Here we have certain activities (Barbie's, things with small pieces, salon center, etc) that ONLY my big kids are allowed to do.
Here we have little kids (not potty trained) and big kids (most my preschoolers)
The big kids get to play specific centers that have things that one would never let little play... (liquids, glue, scissors, tiny beads, paints etc)
When a child behaves as a "little" the night before (this includes getting their own shoes on and carrying their own items) then they get delegated to playing with things that are "behavior appropriate".
She would lose the privilege of playing with our "big kid" stuff the next day.
It's hard to explain...although it is a super easy concept. Act big or don't play with the big kids and the big kid stuff.
I hope that makes sense...
That does make sense, thanks. Do you think that since this happened yesterday and she doesn't come again until Wednesday that it's hard to incorporate that or you think that I still shoud do something like that?Here we have certain activities (Barbie's, things with small pieces, salon center, etc) that ONLY my big kids are allowed to do.
Here we have little kids (not potty trained) and big kids (most my preschoolers)
The big kids get to play specific centers that have things that one would never let little play... (liquids, glue, scissors, tiny beads, paints etc)
When a child behaves as a "little" the night before (this includes getting their own shoes on and carrying their own items) then they get delegated to playing with things that are "behavior appropriate".
She would lose the privilege of playing with our "big kid" stuff the next day.
It's hard to explain...although it is a super easy concept. Act big or don't play with the big kids and the big kid stuff.
I hope that makes sense...
Blackcat31 02:40 PM 06-06-2014
Originally Posted by lovemykidstoo:
That does make sense, thanks. Do you think that since this happened yesterday and she doesn't come again until Wednesday that it's hard to incorporate that or you think that I still shoud do something like that?
My general rule of thumb is no more than 1 day in between incident and consequence for 3+ yrs so it would still be appropriate to do if she was only absent one day.That does make sense, thanks. Do you think that since this happened yesterday and she doesn't come again until Wednesday that it's hard to incorporate that or you think that I still shoud do something like that?
Kids her age are getting pretty good at grasping the concept of day to day things and the connection to each other.
As long as it all happens within a weeks (5 days)time.
Since she isnt returning until next Wednesday I would probably tell her about your new plan of action and not enforce it until the next incident.
lovemykidstoo 02:50 PM 06-06-2014
Thanks. I'm hoping that since this is the first time she's acted like that it will be the only time. I guess she does it at home quite a bit though
grandmom 03:27 PM 06-06-2014
I like Blackcat's ideas. Also, do not let her open the door for several days. She lost that privilege.
Unregistered 10:37 AM 06-09-2014
I'm sorry, but I'm a parent, and have had almost that same situation, and can totally understand why the parent handled it that way. Kids do hold it in all day until they're with the people they're most comfortable with, so I wouldn't judge the parent so harshly. I'd be more harsh to judge if I saw the parent losing their cool and getting physical w/ a child who is only tired, and doing what kids that age do, trying to assert their independence. All kids are different, and without knowing the best way to deal with that child, since I'm not w/ that child all of the time, I can't say that the parent wasn't being as effective as possible given the circumstances. When my child gets like that, the last thing I'm going to do is just physically fight her into the carseat as it only makes it worse, and at that point, reasoning doesn't work since the child is not in control of their emotions. Maybe for some temperaments that would work, but I know that with my kid, it would only escalate things. Sometimes the best solution is just making sure the child is safe and not giving any re-enforcement until they can calm themselves down. I also wouldn't see punishment as something needed in this case, as I really see it as a healthy sign of intelligence that the child once to do what grownups do. If it was an issue w/ safety then I would teach them that if they want to open door themselves, that they need to hold someone's hand. I'd also take a close look at how often they are given choices and outlets to be independent during the day. Sometimes having to do what someone says all days long can be frustrating and only make meltdowns at the end of the day over trying to be independent worse.
Unregistered 10:40 AM 06-09-2014
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I'm sorry, but I'm a parent, and have had almost that same situation, and can totally understand why the parent handled it that way. Kids do hold it in all day until they're with the people they're most comfortable with, so I wouldn't judge the parent so harshly. I'd be more harsh to judge if I saw the parent losing their cool and getting physical w/ a child who is only tired, and doing what kids that age do, trying to assert their independence. All kids are different, and without knowing the best way to deal with that child, since I'm not w/ that child all of the time, I can't say that the parent wasn't being as effective as possible given the circumstances. When my child gets like that, the last thing I'm going to do is just physically fight her into the carseat as it only makes it worse, and at that point, reasoning doesn't work since the child is not in control of their emotions. Maybe for some temperaments that would work, but I know that with my kid, it would only escalate things. Sometimes the best solution is just making sure the child is safe and not giving any re-enforcement until they can calm themselves down. I also wouldn't see punishment as something needed in this case, as I really see it as a healthy sign of intelligence that the child once to do what grownups do. If it was an issue w/ safety then I would teach them that if they want to open door themselves, that they need to hold someone's hand. I'd also take a close look at how often they are given choices and outlets to be independent during the day. Sometimes having to do what someone says all days long can be frustrating and only make meltdowns at the end of the day over trying to be independent worse.
I'm sorry, but I'm a parent, and have had almost that same situation, and can totally understand why the parent handled it that way. Kids do hold it in all day until they're with the people they're most comfortable with, so I wouldn't judge the parent so harshly. I'd be more harsh to judge if I saw the parent losing their cool and getting physical w/ a child who is only tired, and doing what kids that age do, trying to assert their independence. All kids are different, and without knowing the best way to deal with that child, since I'm not w/ that child all of the time, I can't say that the parent wasn't being as effective as possible given the circumstances. When my child gets like that, the last thing I'm going to do is just physically fight her into the carseat as it only makes it worse, and at that point, reasoning doesn't work since the child is not in control of their emotions. Maybe for some temperaments that would work, but I know that with my kid, it would only escalate things. Sometimes the best solution is just making sure the child is safe and not giving any re-enforcement until they can calm themselves down. I also wouldn't see punishment as something needed in this case, as I really see it as a healthy sign of intelligence that the child once to do what grownups do. If it was an issue w/ safety then I would teach them that if they want to open door themselves, that they need to hold someone's hand. I'd also take a close look at how often they are given choices and outlets to be independent during the day. Sometimes having to do what someone says all days long can be frustrating and only make meltdowns at the end of the day over trying to be independent worse.
PS, though my child is 2 years old so... slightly different, though I'm not sure where that particular child is at developmentally
playground1 11:03 AM 06-09-2014
Originally Posted by :
Kids do hold it in all day until they're with the people they're most comfortable with, so I wouldn't judge the parent so harshly.
No they don't. We get plenty of that too. At least in my group, they just figure out very quickly that I have no tolerance for fit throwing. Kids do hold it in all day until they're with the people they're most comfortable with, so I wouldn't judge the parent so harshly.
Originally Posted by :
I'd be more harsh to judge if I saw the parent losing their cool and getting physical w/ a child who is only tired, and doing what kids that age do, trying to assert their independence.
It's not either or. One can have authority without violence.I'd be more harsh to judge if I saw the parent losing their cool and getting physical w/ a child who is only tired, and doing what kids that age do, trying to assert their independence.
Originally Posted by :
All kids are different, and without knowing the best way to deal with that child, since I'm not w/ that child all of the time, I can't say that the parent wasn't being as effective as possible given the circumstances.
Of course you can't, but OP most certainly can.All kids are different, and without knowing the best way to deal with that child, since I'm not w/ that child all of the time, I can't say that the parent wasn't being as effective as possible given the circumstances.
Originally Posted by :
Sometimes the best solution is just making sure the child is safe and not giving any re-enforcement until they can calm themselves down. I also wouldn't see punishment as something needed in this case, as I really see it as a healthy sign of intelligence that the child once to do what grownups do.
So you're going to sit it the yard of the daycare, waiting for you child to respect you? The child isn't losing privilege because they want to open the door, it's the tantrum.Sometimes the best solution is just making sure the child is safe and not giving any re-enforcement until they can calm themselves down. I also wouldn't see punishment as something needed in this case, as I really see it as a healthy sign of intelligence that the child once to do what grownups do.
Blackcat31 11:04 AM 06-09-2014
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I'm sorry, but I'm a parent, and have had almost that same situation, and can totally understand why the parent handled it that way. Kids do hold it in all day until they're with the people they're most comfortable with, so I wouldn't judge the parent so harshly. I'd be more harsh to judge if I saw the parent losing their cool and getting physical w/ a child who is only tired, and doing what kids that age do, trying to assert their independence. All kids are different, and without knowing the best way to deal with that child, since I'm not w/ that child all of the time, I can't say that the parent wasn't being as effective as possible given the circumstances. When my child gets like that, the last thing I'm going to do is just physically fight her into the carseat as it only makes it worse, and at that point, reasoning doesn't work since the child is not in control of their emotions. Maybe for some temperaments that would work, but I know that with my kid, it would only escalate things. Sometimes the best solution is just making sure the child is safe and not giving any re-enforcement until they can calm themselves down. I also wouldn't see punishment as something needed in this case, as I really see it as a healthy sign of intelligence that the child once to do what grownups do. If it was an issue w/ safety then I would teach them that if they want to open door themselves, that they need to hold someone's hand. I'd also take a close look at how often they are given choices and outlets to be independent during the day. Sometimes having to do what someone says all days long can be frustrating and only make meltdowns at the end of the day over trying to be independent worse.
There is a BIG difference between punishment and consequence. I'm sorry, but I'm a parent, and have had almost that same situation, and can totally understand why the parent handled it that way. Kids do hold it in all day until they're with the people they're most comfortable with, so I wouldn't judge the parent so harshly. I'd be more harsh to judge if I saw the parent losing their cool and getting physical w/ a child who is only tired, and doing what kids that age do, trying to assert their independence. All kids are different, and without knowing the best way to deal with that child, since I'm not w/ that child all of the time, I can't say that the parent wasn't being as effective as possible given the circumstances. When my child gets like that, the last thing I'm going to do is just physically fight her into the carseat as it only makes it worse, and at that point, reasoning doesn't work since the child is not in control of their emotions. Maybe for some temperaments that would work, but I know that with my kid, it would only escalate things. Sometimes the best solution is just making sure the child is safe and not giving any re-enforcement until they can calm themselves down. I also wouldn't see punishment as something needed in this case, as I really see it as a healthy sign of intelligence that the child once to do what grownups do. If it was an issue w/ safety then I would teach them that if they want to open door themselves, that they need to hold someone's hand. I'd also take a close look at how often they are given choices and outlets to be independent during the day. Sometimes having to do what someone says all days long can be frustrating and only make meltdowns at the end of the day over trying to be independent worse.
Consequences based on individual behaviors ARE reinforcements for expected behavior.
Not being allowed play with or participate with "big kid" activities is reinforcement to the child that you have to behave a certain way in order to earn certain privileges.
Not being allowed to participate in those activities is NOT a punishment.
Having to do what someone says all day is simply part of life. I refuse to view that in a negative manner. EVERYONE has to follow rules...whether it's from your boss, your beliefs or ethical and moral restraints. Following rules is part of that. It might be hard and might be frustrating but it isn't going away so I would never excuse a child's negative behaviors based on that concept alone.
Physically kicking or hitting an adult is NOT asserting independence, it's 100% UNACCEPTABLE period and would NEVER be tolerated in my house. By ANYONE.
As a parent, I AM going to do what is necessary to get my child to comply.
Even if that means physically placing her in her car seat. I would NOT negotiate or try reasoning with a child.
Why? Because I am the parent.
lovemykidstoo 11:18 AM 06-10-2014
Queen and BC, exactly. I am in no way advocating that the mother hurt the child, but to sit there with arms folded and watch her scream and I mean scream in my yard for that length of time is extremely disrespectful to me and my neighbors in my opinion. This happens all the time at home apparently too. She will call me and tell me that they're going to be late because dcg is throwing a tantrum. Really? The thing is, she could have nipped this immediately when dcg got mad because she wasn't opening the door. The mother sat there and said okay then you can open the door while the girl is starting her tantrum. She said it multiple times for the dcg to go ahead and open it. The girl just kept throwing a fit and wouldnt' open the door then. The mother was practically begging her to open the door. Seriously? My kids had their moments, but never would I have stood there saying okay Susie go ahead and open the door, Susie you can open it, go ahead Susie blah blah blah. Take her by the hand, open the door and go home! I've had enough of it. She doesn't come back until tomorrow, we'll see how it goes.
mamamanda 11:34 AM 06-10-2014
Just my 2 cents, but I have a child who behaves similarly at pickup. One day he smacked his mother in the face and knocked her backward so she hit her head on the door frame. This is a 2 year old, mind you. She just smiled and said to be nice to mommy. Having seen him do this on several occasions I was a bit taken back b/c I wouldn't allow that with my children. Then dcb decided he was going to try the same thing on me one day and smacked me pretty hard. I obviously didn't do anything to hurt him in any way, but I looked him straight in the eyes, held his hand, and told him in my no nonsense voice that I would not tolerate that behavior and it better not happen again. So far it hasn't. That was over 2 months ago and I've seen him hit her several times since. I sometimes wish parents would set more boundaries with their children b/c in my experience they will behave in whatever way they're allowed to. And laying in the driveway, even at the side of a driveway, is not only inappropriate, but dangerous. If a parent can't get their 4 year old in the car, how will they manage a teenager? Just my thoughts.
playground1 11:43 AM 06-10-2014
Originally Posted by mamamanda:
Just my 2 cents, but I have a child who behaves similarly at pickup. One day he smacked his mother in the face and knocked her backward so she hit her head on the door frame. This is a 2 year old, mind you. She just smiled and said to be nice to mommy. Having seen him do this on several occasions I was a bit taken back b/c I wouldn't allow that with my children. Then dcb decided he was going to try the same thing on me one day and smacked me pretty hard. I obviously didn't do anything to hurt him in any way, but I looked him straight in the eyes, held his hand, and told him in my no nonsense voice that I would not tolerate that behavior and it better not happen again. So far it hasn't.
This is my absolute worst pet peeve. You are literally teaching your child how to abuse if you let this happen. Just my 2 cents, but I have a child who behaves similarly at pickup. One day he smacked his mother in the face and knocked her backward so she hit her head on the door frame. This is a 2 year old, mind you. She just smiled and said to be nice to mommy. Having seen him do this on several occasions I was a bit taken back b/c I wouldn't allow that with my children. Then dcb decided he was going to try the same thing on me one day and smacked me pretty hard. I obviously didn't do anything to hurt him in any way, but I looked him straight in the eyes, held his hand, and told him in my no nonsense voice that I would not tolerate that behavior and it better not happen again. So far it hasn't.
My general rule of thumb is that when mom comes she's in charge, but one time I'd just had enough and took a child straight out of mom's arms, took them in another room and said "we don't hit here, and you need to say sorry". He did.
I was also hit once, in the face, by one of favorite little dudes (he obviously though it funny), but I made it clear that it wasn't. I'm normally very physical with the kids, lots of hugs and stuff, and I just put him away from me and said "I don't want to play with you if you hurt me." He cried, but he didn't do it again.
lovemykidstoo 11:48 AM 06-10-2014
Originally Posted by mamamanda:
Just my 2 cents, but I have a child who behaves similarly at pickup. One day he smacked his mother in the face and knocked her backward so she hit her head on the door frame. This is a 2 year old, mind you. She just smiled and said to be nice to mommy. Having seen him do this on several occasions I was a bit taken back b/c I wouldn't allow that with my children. Then dcb decided he was going to try the same thing on me one day and smacked me pretty hard. I obviously didn't do anything to hurt him in any way, but I looked him straight in the eyes, held his hand, and told him in my no nonsense voice that I would not tolerate that behavior and it better not happen again. So far it hasn't. That was over 2 months ago and I've seen him hit her several times since. I sometimes wish parents would set more boundaries with their children b/c in my experience they will behave in whatever way they're allowed to. And laying in the driveway, even at the side of a driveway, is not only inappropriate, but dangerous. If a parent can't get their 4 year old in the car, how will they manage a teenager? Just my thoughts.
Just my 2 cents, but I have a child who behaves similarly at pickup. One day he smacked his mother in the face and knocked her backward so she hit her head on the door frame. This is a 2 year old, mind you. She just smiled and said to be nice to mommy. Having seen him do this on several occasions I was a bit taken back b/c I wouldn't allow that with my children. Then dcb decided he was going to try the same thing on me one day and smacked me pretty hard. I obviously didn't do anything to hurt him in any way, but I looked him straight in the eyes, held his hand, and told him in my no nonsense voice that I would not tolerate that behavior and it better not happen again. So far it hasn't. That was over 2 months ago and I've seen him hit her several times since. I sometimes wish parents would set more boundaries with their children b/c in my experience they will behave in whatever way they're allowed to. And laying in the driveway, even at the side of a driveway, is not only inappropriate, but dangerous. If a parent can't get their 4 year old in the car, how will they manage a teenager? Just my thoughts.
I have had kids do that to their parents also. They all had the sameresponse too. Johnny that isn't nice, don't do that. I have to say that again, y kids were not angels when they were little, but they never, not once hit me. Funny that when you told him that it wouldn't be tolerated he never did it again. They know that they can just push those parents. I call it the can't say no generation.