tenderhearts 12:36 PM 04-13-2010
I have written about this particular dcb who is 4, I have had him since he was a baby, 7 mo old. Increasingly over the last year to year and a half he can get really mean to the other kids and has been bullying a little, well I think it's bullying. He walks around and literally "looks" for stuff, and he generally does it to the same few kids, the younger ones, so if one of them picks up a toy that someone else had he will either go and grab it from them or he'll go and tell the other child, she has your toy, she has your toy, go get it, or something along those lines, but he walks around and looks for this stuff. He wont share alot of the times and he'll be mean to them by not letting them get something out of the bucket. He has teased kids (I said bullied but maybe it's not the same), for instance if someone gave him a toy to share with them and he knows someone else wanted it too he'll say look what I have, look what I have to that person, but he is always saying mean things, you're not my friend, you can't play, ect. all the time and timeouts don't seem to work with him, I have talked with him countless times and he doesn't get it, I've talked with his parents and his mom doesn't know what to do other than what I have done explain he needs to be nice to his friends. He's always tattling, but it's just the not being nice, he gets things taken away all the time, pretty much every day if he doesn't share, or teases, yesterday outside he kept ramming the kids with the bikes and he already knows not to do it but I told him 3 times and so he wasn't allowed to play on them anymore. It's these things all day long, I don't know what else to do with him, any ideas? time outs just aren't working and I just need to know what else I can do. Any ideas would be really helpful thanks
momma2girls 12:51 PM 04-13-2010
Originally Posted by tenderhearts:
I have written about this particular dcb who is 4, I have had him since he was a baby, 7 mo old. Increasingly over the last year to year and a half he can get really mean to the other kids and has been bullying a little, well I think it's bullying. He walks around and literally "looks" for stuff, and he generally does it to the same few kids, the younger ones, so if one of them picks up a toy that someone else had he will either go and grab it from them or he'll go and tell the other child, she has your toy, she has your toy, go get it, or something along those lines, but he walks around and looks for this stuff. He wont share alot of the times and he'll be mean to them by not letting them get something out of the bucket. He has teased kids (I said bullied but maybe it's not the same), for instance if someone gave him a toy to share with them and he knows someone else wanted it too he'll say look what I have, look what I have to that person, but he is always saying mean things, you're not my friend, you can't play, ect. all the time and timeouts don't seem to work with him, I have talked with him countless times and he doesn't get it, I've talked with his parents and his mom doesn't know what to do other than what I have done explain he needs to be nice to his friends. He's always tattling, but it's just the not being nice, he gets things taken away all the time, pretty much every day if he doesn't share, or teases, yesterday outside he kept ramming the kids with the bikes and he already knows not to do it but I told him 3 times and so he wasn't allowed to play on them anymore. It's these things all day long, I don't know what else to do with him, any ideas? time outs just aren't working and I just need to know what else I can do. Any ideas would be really helpful thanks
Have you ever tried taking away an activity or an outside activity???
Unregistered 01:01 PM 04-13-2010
This sounds mean, but have you tried treating him as he treats others? I would sit down with him and say things to him like you can't play, take some toys away from him, everything he does to others, try being the bully to him, THEN console him and ask him how it made HIM feel, and ask him if he wants to make his friends feel like that? Apologize to him, give him a hug and make sure he knows that you shouldn't treat people like that because it hurts feelings and it isn't nice!! It also sounds like he is bored, maybe try to give him some extra time and also give him alot of praise when he is doing something good!! You could get him his own educational book to do! Have him be your helper and show him how he can be nice, how to share and how to be a helper! Overexaggerate these things and hopefully he catches on! : )
grandmom 01:20 PM 04-13-2010
There could be some underlying behavior or developmental issues here that are not being acknowledged. You've reminded me of a child I had many years ago. My employee's #1 job was to find something to praise the girl for because our day was constantly reprimanding her for something. She was diagnosed after I pretty much demanded the parents let me seek help.
I'd make two suggestions. Both will require mom's permission. First, call your elementary school. In my area it's called "Child Find". It's an early assessment of children, not yet in school. School official does this, they are trained. The school receptionist will know what you are asking for.
Second, call your public health nurse through your county public health department. They also can do assessments.
Both are free in my area.
You need to enlist the mom into this. Here's a possible statement to her: I am beginning to feel that I need some help in working with your son. I'm not feeling that I am providing the kind of care I want to for him, nor am I meeting his needs. I've done some research, and have found ____ that can offer some help. I'm sure I'll need some written permission to get much more than a phone consultation, but with your permission, I'd like to make the initial call....I'll let you know what we need to do next.
She needs to be helped to understand that this boy will go into the public school system in a few short months. These behaviors must be addressed now. Good for you for seeking help now.
If she doesn't get on board, start looking for a replacement child. As he gets bigger and smarter, he will continue on this behavior. You will be not only setting yourself up for trouble with the other parents, but will be draining all your energies with this child.
Good luck.
tenderhearts 03:38 PM 04-13-2010
thanks, yes I take activities away all the time from him and he doesn't get it, he just whines and cries. I always praise him when I see good behaviour but it just doesn't stop. As much as the idea of treating him like he treats others sounds good I don't think that would be appropriate or acceptional to do, if it were my child yes but not some one elses.
The mom knows and she witnessed some for herself recently at a function with other kids. She would know of programs and such because she works with the public schools. I know she has said that he could have adhd but she is the type of parent that would not medicate, it's just getting so frustrating becuase it's just all day long, some days he's great but it's more so not. I hate to let him go because his parents are friends of ours plus he's been with me so long, it seems like it's with newer kids, like he needs to let them know he's been here longer or something but it doesn't go away, I just don't know what to do. He has sat in time out after time out and they've gotten longer each time but he just doesn't seem to get it, it doesn't seem to work.