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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>What Would You Do...Kids Secluding One Child
My4SunshineGirlsNY 06:18 AM 08-04-2010
Looking for some advice on what you all feel on this situation.
I have had 9 year old daycare girl for 2 1/2 years....she follows my older girls and neice around like a puppy dog and it gets on their nerves. My older daughters are age 13 and almost 11 and my neice is 10 1/2.
I was observing the other day and my neice would walk across the house and 9 year old daycare girl was right there behind her, following her back and forth. I can see how that would annoy them, she does it most of the day. She asks them to play with her and if they say no, not right now she gets all upset and tries to bribe them to play. Or she will say they are being mean to her just because they don't want to play right now. She's a little inmature for her age, on the hyper side, so I think that has a bit to do with them not wanting to play all the time.
In the past week the older kids want nothing to do with 9 year old daycare girl and sometimes do get mean with her so she will leave them alone, they don't want to hang with her at all because she annoys them so bad by following them around so much. I have spoke with the daycare girl about following them and also my own kids and neice for being mean about it.
Now daycare girl pouts a lot because they don't want to be with her. I'm not sure how to handle this situation..I have told my kids and neice to be nice, but should I have to force them to play with her? When I tell them to include her, most of the time it's against their will.
Thoughts? Ideas?
I have had 9 year old daycare girl for 2 1/2 years....she follows my older girls and neice around like a puppy dog and it gets on their nerves. My older daughters are age 13 and almost 11 and my neice is 10 1/2.
I was observing the other day and my neice would walk across the house and 9 year old daycare girl was right there behind her, following her back and forth. I can see how that would annoy them, she does it most of the day. She asks them to play with her and if they say no, not right now she gets all upset and tries to bribe them to play. Or she will say they are being mean to her just because they don't want to play right now. She's a little inmature for her age, on the hyper side, so I think that has a bit to do with them not wanting to play all the time.
In the past week the older kids want nothing to do with 9 year old daycare girl and sometimes do get mean with her so she will leave them alone, they don't want to hang with her at all because she annoys them so bad by following them around so much. I have spoke with the daycare girl about following them and also my own kids and neice for being mean about it.
Now daycare girl pouts a lot because they don't want to be with her. I'm not sure how to handle this situation..I have told my kids and neice to be nice, but should I have to force them to play with her? When I tell them to include her, most of the time it's against their will.
Thoughts? Ideas?
JenNJ 06:53 AM 08-04-2010
I would not tolerate my kids treating anyone that way. I would make my kids play with her because I personally think that behavior is beyond rude. I know it comes with the age, but it still wouldn't fly with me.
On the other hand, it is YOUR job to entertain dcg, not your children's. She sounds like she is bored. I would find things she can do with you, alone, or activities they can all do together.
On the other hand, it is YOUR job to entertain dcg, not your children's. She sounds like she is bored. I would find things she can do with you, alone, or activities they can all do together.
DanceMom 06:58 AM 08-04-2010
I also would not tolerate my kids doing that to another child - I try and teach my own kids to include everyone and be nice to everyone as it is probably hurting the DC girls feelings and may end up giving her a few insecurities with friends etc. When my daughter isnt getting along with the DC kids ( she is 4) I ask her how she would feel if they were mean to her or didnt include her or whatever - make her see how the other feels.
What is the next age in your care ? Can she play with any of the other kids ?
What is the next age in your care ? Can she play with any of the other kids ?
nannyde 07:04 AM 08-04-2010
Originally Posted by My4SunshineGirlsNY:
Looking for some advice on what you all feel on this situation.
I have had 9 year old daycare girl for 2 1/2 years....she follows my older girls and neice around like a puppy dog and it gets on their nerves. My older daughters are age 13 and almost 11 and my neice is 10 1/2.
I was observing the other day and my neice would walk across the house and 9 year old daycare girl was right there behind her, following her back and forth. I can see how that would annoy them, she does it most of the day. She asks them to play with her and if they say no, not right now she gets all upset and tries to bribe them to play. Or she will say they are being mean to her just because they don't want to play right now. She's a little inmature for her age, on the hyper side, so I think that has a bit to do with them not wanting to play all the time.
In the past week the older kids want nothing to do with 9 year old daycare girl and sometimes do get mean with her so she will leave them alone, they don't want to hang with her at all because she annoys them so bad by following them around so much. I have spoke with the daycare girl about following them and also my own kids and neice for being mean about it.
Now daycare girl pouts a lot because they don't want to be with her. I'm not sure how to handle this situation..I have told my kids and neice to be nice, but should I have to force them to play with her? When I tell them to include her, most of the time it's against their will.
Thoughts? Ideas?
Why can't she play with the younger DAY CARE kids? Looking for some advice on what you all feel on this situation.
I have had 9 year old daycare girl for 2 1/2 years....she follows my older girls and neice around like a puppy dog and it gets on their nerves. My older daughters are age 13 and almost 11 and my neice is 10 1/2.
I was observing the other day and my neice would walk across the house and 9 year old daycare girl was right there behind her, following her back and forth. I can see how that would annoy them, she does it most of the day. She asks them to play with her and if they say no, not right now she gets all upset and tries to bribe them to play. Or she will say they are being mean to her just because they don't want to play right now. She's a little inmature for her age, on the hyper side, so I think that has a bit to do with them not wanting to play all the time.
In the past week the older kids want nothing to do with 9 year old daycare girl and sometimes do get mean with her so she will leave them alone, they don't want to hang with her at all because she annoys them so bad by following them around so much. I have spoke with the daycare girl about following them and also my own kids and neice for being mean about it.
Now daycare girl pouts a lot because they don't want to be with her. I'm not sure how to handle this situation..I have told my kids and neice to be nice, but should I have to force them to play with her? When I tell them to include her, most of the time it's against their will.
Thoughts? Ideas?
I wouldn't allow a dc kid to be on my kid like that. He's ten and he gets to do what he wants in his home.
Now he's more like your annoying dcg. He's immature and hyper (and he drives me insane)
The difference is that he will play with the younger kids. He's been playing this week with my four year old. He still loves to play toys.
Put her with your littles and tell her to leave the older kids alone. They are your kids and are only available as playmates when THEY want to play.
Vesta 07:08 AM 08-04-2010
I don't know if this will work, because I was dealing with boys, a different age gap, at not in a home environment.
We had the younger child K(8) and the older the child M(12). M was cool and personable, everyone liked him. Oh no, I'm realizing he's 22 now. Ugh.
K followed M around like a puppy dog, wanting to do everything he did and just being the general PITA.
M tolerated it, but then started getting mean about it, then physical.
This went on and on, K was not getting the point, we talked to both about it and the parents and nothing was sinking in. K wouldn't drop it, and M was really not even wanting to show up at the SA center anymore.
Now, the teen center used our full size gym part of the day, some times they would join in our games with the younger SA kids.
M's older brother D(16) would sometimes show up.
Oh how M looked up to that kid. His whole demeanor changed, he wanted to be right beside him, doing what he was doing or he was happy just watching what he was doing. He went from being the big kid, to the little kid.
D even rubbed K's head at one point in time, which M noticed and did also.
We noticed this also and pulled M aside one day and pointed out that there was the same age difference between him and K as there was between him and his big brother.
We told him that the way he feels about D was the same way that K felt about him.
For some reason that really resonated with him (he was generally a really great, mature, level headed kid) and things changed. Not 100%, but it got so much better and because M was being nicer and more accepting of K, K, for whatever reason, started backing off a bit.
(Part of the reason I remember this story in so much detail is because I was surprised at how easily this worked, so I'm not operating under the illusion that this is an easy fix)
Maybe you could talk to the girls about how you know they are being irritated to no end by the tag along, but that she looks up to them. They are the cat meow to her.
See if you can help them recall when they looked up to an older child and just wanted to be like them and have them be nice to and pay a little bit of attention to them.
Sometimes it helps just to throw a little Child Psychology 101 at them so they can understand what the younger kids are thinking and doing.
It helped me get my own 7 year old to be more tolerant with the younger kids following her around.
Of course, ice cream and trips to Claire's might also sweeten the pot.
If you ladies can just suck it up and help me out there will be a reward at the end of the summer.
I hope it gets better for you.
We had the younger child K(8) and the older the child M(12). M was cool and personable, everyone liked him. Oh no, I'm realizing he's 22 now. Ugh.
K followed M around like a puppy dog, wanting to do everything he did and just being the general PITA.
M tolerated it, but then started getting mean about it, then physical.
This went on and on, K was not getting the point, we talked to both about it and the parents and nothing was sinking in. K wouldn't drop it, and M was really not even wanting to show up at the SA center anymore.
Now, the teen center used our full size gym part of the day, some times they would join in our games with the younger SA kids.
M's older brother D(16) would sometimes show up.
Oh how M looked up to that kid. His whole demeanor changed, he wanted to be right beside him, doing what he was doing or he was happy just watching what he was doing. He went from being the big kid, to the little kid.
D even rubbed K's head at one point in time, which M noticed and did also.
We noticed this also and pulled M aside one day and pointed out that there was the same age difference between him and K as there was between him and his big brother.
We told him that the way he feels about D was the same way that K felt about him.
For some reason that really resonated with him (he was generally a really great, mature, level headed kid) and things changed. Not 100%, but it got so much better and because M was being nicer and more accepting of K, K, for whatever reason, started backing off a bit.
(Part of the reason I remember this story in so much detail is because I was surprised at how easily this worked, so I'm not operating under the illusion that this is an easy fix)
Maybe you could talk to the girls about how you know they are being irritated to no end by the tag along, but that she looks up to them. They are the cat meow to her.
See if you can help them recall when they looked up to an older child and just wanted to be like them and have them be nice to and pay a little bit of attention to them.
Sometimes it helps just to throw a little Child Psychology 101 at them so they can understand what the younger kids are thinking and doing.
It helped me get my own 7 year old to be more tolerant with the younger kids following her around.
Of course, ice cream and trips to Claire's might also sweeten the pot.
If you ladies can just suck it up and help me out there will be a reward at the end of the summer.
I hope it gets better for you.
melskids 07:59 AM 08-04-2010
im going throught the same thing. only i have 4 six year olds. one is always being excluded. (happens to be the one who is a PITA.) i dont make anyone play with anyone they dont want to, however, they are not allowed to be rude or mean to anyone either. when i notice PITA boy is being excluded, i tend to give him more one on one attention, special jobs to do, whatever. it keeps him entertained, and the others kinda notice PITA boy is getting more attention and decide they want to join him.
of course, it hasn't helped 100%, as they still bicker like crazy and are driving me insane this summer...
of course, it hasn't helped 100%, as they still bicker like crazy and are driving me insane this summer...
MarinaVanessa 08:09 AM 08-04-2010
I won't force kids to play with each other. It's unrealistic. They don't go to school and have teachers force the kids to play with them so neither will I. Sometimes my daughter doesn't want to play with the DC kids and she's only 5 so I let her play in her own room with her own toys by herself. I have always kept her room as her space only. She can invite the kids to play in there but it's her choice.
Forcing the kids to play together will only reinforce feelings of resentment towards the child already being excluded if the other kids are being forced to play with her. Here at my DC I have lots of group activities that they ALL have to share and include everyone (everyone or noone) but I also have activities that they can do on their own by themselves. Everyone should have the freedom to decide for themselves who they want to play with as long as they aren't rude about it or being openly mean. If they just really don't like a child then there's not much I can do about it to change their mind. Redirecting the excluded child to a fun activity that they like and can do on their own seems to work here.
Forcing the kids to play together will only reinforce feelings of resentment towards the child already being excluded if the other kids are being forced to play with her. Here at my DC I have lots of group activities that they ALL have to share and include everyone (everyone or noone) but I also have activities that they can do on their own by themselves. Everyone should have the freedom to decide for themselves who they want to play with as long as they aren't rude about it or being openly mean. If they just really don't like a child then there's not much I can do about it to change their mind. Redirecting the excluded child to a fun activity that they like and can do on their own seems to work here.
Crystal 08:36 AM 08-04-2010
I wouldn't tolerate that behavior with my own children either. I wouldn't "force" them to play wth her, but I would not allow them to be around her if they are going to treat her that way. They'd be playing in their rooms, or at their ages, outside.....out of her sight.
I agree with not forcing our own children to be a part of the daycare, but I would never let them mistreat another child simply because "she gets on their nerves". If they do not want to be a part of it, then they need to be AWAY from it. Meaning they play in their rooms.
Also, at these ages, GIRLS can become very MEAN......I honestly think girls can be far more mean and inconsiderate than boys and if they are allowed to employ the "pack menatlity" against other girls, it will only get worse.
I agree with not forcing our own children to be a part of the daycare, but I would never let them mistreat another child simply because "she gets on their nerves". If they do not want to be a part of it, then they need to be AWAY from it. Meaning they play in their rooms.
Also, at these ages, GIRLS can become very MEAN......I honestly think girls can be far more mean and inconsiderate than boys and if they are allowed to employ the "pack menatlity" against other girls, it will only get worse.
Crystal 08:37 AM 08-04-2010
On another note, I'd be concerned with what this child may be telling her parents and the thought of losing a DCF because your own children are being mean.
boysx5 08:50 AM 08-04-2010
I woudn't let them be mean to her but I agree that my boys are allowed to do more things because they are mine. When I first started this summer with a six year old I do allow her to go outside and ride scooters in front but she is not to go far like my boys are. She had a hard time at first but she adjusted and she will play with the younger kids but she doesn annoy them or bug her sister who is two and I think once they get to be a certain age they need to go to a camp with kids there own age not in a daycare setting not enough things to keep them busy.
Vesta 09:18 AM 08-04-2010
You know, I'm trying to think this through as if it were my dd that was the annoying one.
She's pretty meek and I don't think she would pester if she thought older kids didn't want her to be around.
But.
If I was sending my kid off somewhere else everyday and found out she was trying to play with older kids and they weren't wanting to play with her and were being mean to her.... I would be talking to the provider about it.
I would want to know what was going on and I would be trying to fix the situation as much as possible on my end.
I would also be worrying about a bullying situation (I don't think that's what's going on with OP, but that would be a concern of mine).
I would really want to know about it.
If I found out that my kid was pestering the other kids, and that there were other children to play with, and other things to do, I would be talking to her about it.
*I* would tell *my* child that she needs to let them be because they don't want to play with her. I would cry with her over her hurt feelings but I would be teaching her that sometimes you've got to back off and find something else to do. Not everyone gets along.
I would also be finding other care arrangements with more kids her age.
This girl is 9. Her behavior is going to drive other kids away, not just in your home, but when school starts up again. Her parents need to be helping her out with that.
Have the parents asked about it? Is she going home crying her poor little eyes out about it? Is she upset when she leaves. Or is a bit of a game to her, you know the any attention is better than no attention game.
I agree that your girls shouldn't be mean to anyone, but if the instigator won't back off, it puts them in a hard spot. It's a two way street.
She's pretty meek and I don't think she would pester if she thought older kids didn't want her to be around.
But.
If I was sending my kid off somewhere else everyday and found out she was trying to play with older kids and they weren't wanting to play with her and were being mean to her.... I would be talking to the provider about it.
I would want to know what was going on and I would be trying to fix the situation as much as possible on my end.
I would also be worrying about a bullying situation (I don't think that's what's going on with OP, but that would be a concern of mine).
I would really want to know about it.
If I found out that my kid was pestering the other kids, and that there were other children to play with, and other things to do, I would be talking to her about it.
*I* would tell *my* child that she needs to let them be because they don't want to play with her. I would cry with her over her hurt feelings but I would be teaching her that sometimes you've got to back off and find something else to do. Not everyone gets along.
I would also be finding other care arrangements with more kids her age.
This girl is 9. Her behavior is going to drive other kids away, not just in your home, but when school starts up again. Her parents need to be helping her out with that.
Have the parents asked about it? Is she going home crying her poor little eyes out about it? Is she upset when she leaves. Or is a bit of a game to her, you know the any attention is better than no attention game.
I agree that your girls shouldn't be mean to anyone, but if the instigator won't back off, it puts them in a hard spot. It's a two way street.
legomom922 09:38 AM 08-04-2010
Originally Posted by JenNJ:
I would not tolerate my kids treating anyone that way. I would make my kids play with her because I personally think that behavior is beyond rude. I know it comes with the age, but it still wouldn't fly with me.
On the other hand, it is YOUR job to entertain dcg, not your children's. She sounds like she is bored. I would find things she can do with you, alone, or activities they can all do together.
I would agree with this. I also would not allow my kids to treat others like that either. I have always taught them "treat others the way you want to be treated".I would not tolerate my kids treating anyone that way. I would make my kids play with her because I personally think that behavior is beyond rude. I know it comes with the age, but it still wouldn't fly with me.
On the other hand, it is YOUR job to entertain dcg, not your children's. She sounds like she is bored. I would find things she can do with you, alone, or activities they can all do together.
However, your kids do need their own space as well, and need to play in their rooms or wherever if they are not in the mood to play with her, and this has to be explained to DCG.
It is your job to entertain DCG, not your childrens, so maybe you could do some crafts with her? Or play a game? maybe the 2 of you could start a hobby together? Get her involved in scrapbooking? Or photography? She is bored and needs things to do. She is not in her own home, and feels left out. Personally, I would never put a child this age in a daycare setting anyway. They need to be in summer camps & stuff like that. If my mom had done that to me, I would have gone bezerk! After school is one thing , but all day all summer, is another. I would talk to the mom about it. May be time for her to look for other arrangements.
JenNJ 09:43 AM 08-04-2010
And please let me clarify -- I wouldn't force my kids to play with her, but they certainly wouldn't be allowed to do whatever it is girls that age do in front of this girl and exclude her. Like other posters said, they would need to go elsewhere (bedrooms, outside, etc) if they didn't want to include her.
What I meant was that if they were playing in front of her, they would be expected to invite her to play.
What I meant was that if they were playing in front of her, they would be expected to invite her to play.
Janet 10:47 AM 08-04-2010
Under no circumstances EVER do I force my child to play with the daycare kids or to entertain them in any way, shape or form. It is completely unfair to my child if I force her to play with the daycare kids. I wouldn't let her be mean to the daycare kids but I let her be the one who decides if she wants to hang out with them. It's my job to engage with the daycare kids and it's the daycare kids responsibility to play with each other. The bottom line for me is that this is my child's home and she should have the comfort in knowing that she has a safe haven (her bedroom or the family room downstairs) and that the dcks won't pester her. If Olivia has friends over, then I make sure that the dcks know that they are to leave Olivia and her friends alone! It's really not fair to the children of providers that the daycare kids and daycare parents expect that the providers child should play with the daycare kids. That's BS.
My4SunshineGirlsNY 08:18 PM 08-04-2010
Thanks ladies for the advice....believe me, my kids and neice got an earful from me for being rude...I do not tolerate all this rude behavior lately, seems to be esculating lately...I guess too much hormones going wild or something, it's just crazy recently.
When they get snappy with her is when she tries to follow them in their room...or they say they have played with her for a while and want to be with a different person and she's right there, ALWAYS. It just seems I break up a lot of petty arguments lately. I talked to her mom about what was going on and seems like this is an issue with her other friends too. She thinks everyone is being mean to her and they really are not.
But today, WOW, they were all great together...guess all I have to do is vent and things turn around. Let's just hope it keeps up. Most of these girls are in cheerleading and our season just started so they were doing cheers today and making up their own routines for fun.
When they get snappy with her is when she tries to follow them in their room...or they say they have played with her for a while and want to be with a different person and she's right there, ALWAYS. It just seems I break up a lot of petty arguments lately. I talked to her mom about what was going on and seems like this is an issue with her other friends too. She thinks everyone is being mean to her and they really are not.
But today, WOW, they were all great together...guess all I have to do is vent and things turn around. Let's just hope it keeps up. Most of these girls are in cheerleading and our season just started so they were doing cheers today and making up their own routines for fun.