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  #1  
Old 05-24-2012, 05:42 AM
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Default Our Daycare Wants To Split Up Our Child From His Best Friend

We have a 3 1/2 yo boy who attends daycare and is in the same class with our best friend's son. My wife and the the other mother are best friends. The other mother was my wife's Maid of Honor in our wedding.

Our children were born 3 weeks apart and have been friends since day one and refer to each other as their 'best friend'. They have been able to attend the same daycare and have been in the same class from day one.

Our daycare has recently been acquired by a University program, which meant almost a complete change of teachers and curriculum. It was tough on both our children, but now they seem to really like their teachers and the atmosphere.

We were assured by the facility directory that our children would matriculate together, but we received information today that they would be split up into separate classes starting in June. We have yet to get a good reason for this action. Hopefully more to come this afternoon.

Our opinion is that these types of friendships and bonds are just as important to our son's development as any learning tool. Both our children talk about their 'best friend' each day when we pick them up from school. We are heart broken to think that they will again have to experience separation.

We have not received any notification that they have behavioral issues associated to being in the class, but we suspect, one of the current teachers may have urged this division.

My question is, are we being overly protective or placing too much emphasis on maintaining this bond? We'll of course try to meet with the faculty and discuss options, but I wanted to see if anyone else has similar opinions or has experienced a similar situations.

Thanks,

Jeff
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Old 05-24-2012, 07:20 AM
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"We were assured by the facility directory that our children would matriculate together"


The director never should have promised that not every child "learns" at the same pace, it is too early to tell if thise children will even go to kindy in the

same year. It could turn out that one of them have a developmental disorder that would cause them to repeat an early grade or it could turn out that one of

them is gifted and should be "push" or "challenged" more than the average child. I think you need to find out why and let the school answer with as much

detail as they would like and if they have developmental reasons for placing them in different classes then you need to consider that perhaps that is what is

best for the overall development of your child. I think you need more infomation before you decide what to do.
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Old 05-24-2012, 07:54 AM
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It shouldn't be a problem for your son to maintain his "best friend" relationship outside of school, especially since you are good friends with the other parents.

I wonder if the school is seeing the children's friendship as a problem because it's posing a barrier to them making other friends? Just a thought. Both of the kids may benefit from making some new friends, while maintaining the relationship with his "best" friend outside of school.
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Old 05-24-2012, 09:03 AM
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It just depends on why they are moving them.
Schools like to keep twins split because if they play with their twin all the time they are less likely to learn to make new friends.
Talk with them and find out the reason.
I understand your disappointed.
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Old 05-24-2012, 09:10 AM
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If there isn't a behavioral issue when the two are together, I'm guessing one of the boys might be at a different learning level than the other.

If the administration won't allow them to be together, I would change child care centers. Having a "best friend" who is almost like family is a special thing that many children don't have. I would do all I could to keep them together.
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Old 05-24-2012, 09:18 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Clueless View Post
It just depends on why they are moving them.
Schools like to keep twins split because if they play with their twin all the time they are less likely to learn to make new friends.
Talk with them and find out the reason.
I understand your disappointed.
I agree that many times a change like this is made to encourage both children to create new friendships with others in their age. It could be that because both your child and the other child are so close that they only play with each other and have not created other close relationships with other children. If this is the case then I can understand why they would seperate them because this seperation is good for both children.

However not being told why the children are being moved is a concern to me because if they would simply explain that this was the reason (if this really is the reason) then I'm sure you would understand a little better. However leaving you in limbo is not giving you great feelings and it's onvious that you feel like you need answers which is completely reasonable.

I would call and ask to talk talk to a director to talk about the reason that the children are being moved and so that you can voice your concerns about seperating them, which are all valid reasons as well. If you don't get your questions answered or you still aren't comfortable with the answers that you do get then I'd ask for a sit-down meeting. Be reasonable, calm and respectful and hopefully they will see that you aren't simply a parent that wants to get their way but actually a parent with valid concerns over the well-being of their child. Good luck. Keep us posted.
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Old 05-24-2012, 09:46 AM
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Thank you all for the responses. They all were very insightful. Both of our children have many other good friends. Actually, my son will be re-joining a little girl that he was very attached to in his new class that was moved up late last year, and our friend's son has other relationships in the class that extend outside the class as well. So we are fairly sure it is not a dependency thing.

I will definitely keep you posted after our discussion this afternoon. We are surly going to be civil and cooperative. I don't think this will be an issue that warrants a much more drastic upheaval as changing schools, but of course it really depends on how professional and supported by facts and observation their response is for this decision.

Jeff
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  #8  
Old 05-24-2012, 11:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MarinaVanessa View Post
I agree that many times a change like this is made to encourage both children to create new friendships with others in their age. It could be that because both your child and the other child are so close that they only play with each other and have not created other close relationships with other children. If this is the case then I can understand why they would seperate them because this seperation is good for both children.

However not being told why the children are being moved is a concern to me because if they would simply explain that this was the reason (if this really is the reason) then I'm sure you would understand a little better. However leaving you in limbo is not giving you great feelings and it's onvious that you feel like you need answers which is completely reasonable.

I would call and ask to talk talk to a director to talk about the reason that the children are being moved and so that you can voice your concerns about seperating them, which are all valid reasons as well. If you don't get your questions answered or you still aren't comfortable with the answers that you do get then I'd ask for a sit-down meeting. Be reasonable, calm and respectful and hopefully they will see that you aren't simply a parent that wants to get their way but actually a parent with valid concerns over the well-being of their child. Good luck. Keep us posted.
I agree with everything Marina said..

I would also suggest that IF the reason is that the children arent' playing with others because they are so close, there could be other ways to address that without splitting them up completely. They could, for example, trade classes with another child for part of a day, not the whole day. Maybe the first hour of each day. Or, maybe 1 day per week, or 2. I don't know how big the center is or how many classes they have, but that would be one solution. It just seems kinder to do it a little at a time, not all at once, no matter what the reason!

As for being at different developmental points, that should not be a reason. No two children are alike anyway. There are 4 year olds that can do "more" than some 6 year olds. Every school teacher has to deal with that!

Something else to think about is what will happen when they get to school. You may not be able to keep them together all through school. Also, it could happen that at some point one child "outgrows" the other, and if neither one has developed the skills to make other friends, some feelings could get stomped!
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Old 05-24-2012, 12:04 PM
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If the kids don't do well together, I can see splitting them up.

But, otherwise, I think keeping them together is important. I'd be upset and ask for a change. It's possible they just pulled names, and didn't think about the relationships.
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Old 05-24-2012, 12:29 PM
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Unless these two children spend a large amount of time in childcare, I really am not necessarily understanding what the issue is. I mean if they are only in care during hours the parents are working, why can't they cultivate their friendship outside of childcare?

I can see if they are in daycare 12 hours a day 5-7 days a week and that is the only time they are awake or able to socialize but if they are only there a short while then they can surely have tons of fun together outside of care.

I also think that separation from each other might be a good thing to experience now as I highly doubt the public school system is going to go out of it's way to make sure the kids are always in the same classrooms and courses together all the way through school etc.

Not to mention, that school is more for learning and developing those individual goals NOT necessarily all for socializing and having fun.

I have had many dck's throughout the years and I have found that a good deal of them do form close friendships and bonds with each other and sometimes that is not always a good thing as they begin to depend on each other a bit too much and they lose the ability to make decisions and choices on their own without wanting and expecting the input of the other child.

Friendship, even at a really young age is like marriage....you love the other person but it isn't good to spend 24/7 with them. It is important to maintian and grow individual friendships, talents and interests. Perhaps these kids are good friends now because at this age, their world is limited and they haven't had the opportunity to see what and who else is out there yet and they may just find that they aren't all that much the same as originally thought.

Just my opinion.
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Old 05-24-2012, 09:55 PM
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The only time I've seen children that are friends deliberately separated in daycare are when there ARE behavioural issues. One child encouraging another to be rowdy, or rough, or unkind to other children.
I'm unsure as to what else it could be. I would just urge you to seriously consider whatever they tell you is the answer. If they say it's because their behaviour needs to change then trust them. If they say that they should be cultivating other friendships then trust the educators. It is often quite easy to not see what educators see while spending much of the day with your child.
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Old 05-25-2012, 04:07 AM
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A lot of times the "Best Friends" are trouble together but they should have given you a warning about that. If a Teacher has had them together and suggests they not attend class together again there's a reason for it.

Just because they play well together does not mean that they learn well together.

At our Center, the Preschool class is seperate from the Daycare so if they are full time they would be apart during class time only. I'm not sure if this is the way your Center does this.
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  #13  
Old 05-25-2012, 05:58 AM
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We met with the director yesterday and both families are okay with their response.

1. As far as the guarantee that they would be in the same class, the previous director was under the assumption that the whole class would transition together to the next level. But, due to some structural changes and an influx of about 20 children from the waiting list, two classes needed to be created for 3-4's. We understand the issue here and don't feel mislead.

2. 17 children from the current class needed to be split into the new classes. 12 boys and 7 girls. They wanted to keep the boy/girl ratio even and have a good mix of existing students and new students in each of the new classes. We're okay with that decision.

3. Our boys specifically were split. Many of you hit this nail on the head. They are so familiar with each other that there is a sibling rivalry going on. This results in a couple of unwanted behaviors. One, they are best friends first thing in the morning and then it devolves into fighting and conflict over normal stuff. They pretty much only act like this with each other and, both are very considerate of other children, from what we gather. Two, there are instances of jealousy from both boys when one plays with another child, thus inhibiting free development of other relationships and experiences.

4. There will be plenty of time during the day, that all the children from both classes will be together. Both classes will have several 1-1/2 hour periods together for group activities and playground time and, at the end of the day, when children are picked-up, the classes will be merged. They also will attend all field trips as one group and other activities as well.

We are please with the response we received from our daycare. Our director sat down with us and shared with us their decision process and even acknowledged their faults in some communication. She responded to all of our questions and concerns and specifically laid out the pre-transition and transition process, as well as what we can expect over the next 12 months for curriculum changes and expectations for our children.

All in all I think it was a good experience and outcome and we appreciate all of your responses and, I will strongly suggest to other parents to use this forum in the future. I would also suggest other parents address these types of concerns directly with your daycare. It was a good experience.
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  #14  
Old 05-25-2012, 06:40 AM
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Super! I'm glad everything worked out to your satisfaction, and it sounds like your school handled things well.
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  #15  
Old 05-25-2012, 07:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jbell View Post
We met with the director yesterday and both families are okay with their response.

1. As far as the guarantee that they would be in the same class, the previous director was under the assumption that the whole class would transition together to the next level. But, due to some structural changes and an influx of about 20 children from the waiting list, two classes needed to be created for 3-4's. We understand the issue here and don't feel mislead.

2. 17 children from the current class needed to be split into the new classes. 12 boys and 7 girls. They wanted to keep the boy/girl ratio even and have a good mix of existing students and new students in each of the new classes. We're okay with that decision.

3. Our boys specifically were split. Many of you hit this nail on the head. They are so familiar with each other that there is a sibling rivalry going on. This results in a couple of unwanted behaviors. One, they are best friends first thing in the morning and then it devolves into fighting and conflict over normal stuff. They pretty much only act like this with each other and, both are very considerate of other children, from what we gather. Two, there are instances of jealousy from both boys when one plays with another child, thus inhibiting free development of other relationships and experiences.

4. There will be plenty of time during the day, that all the children from both classes will be together. Both classes will have several 1-1/2 hour periods together for group activities and playground time and, at the end of the day, when children are picked-up, the classes will be merged. They also will attend all field trips as one group and other activities as well.

We are please with the response we received from our daycare. Our director sat down with us and shared with us their decision process and even acknowledged their faults in some communication. She responded to all of our questions and concerns and specifically laid out the pre-transition and transition process, as well as what we can expect over the next 12 months for curriculum changes and expectations for our children.

All in all I think it was a good experience and outcome and we appreciate all of your responses and, I will strongly suggest to other parents to use this forum in the future. I would also suggest other parents address these types of concerns directly with your daycare. It was a good experience.
I am so happy you were able to sit down with your director and get a response and explanation that made sense and was in the best interest of both boys. I am glad you were able to put their best interests first as well and can take the positives from this situation and move forward.

I think that the more your son and his best friend are allowed to develop and gorw as individuals, the stronger their friendship will be since it will eb based on common interests and not just convenience of being together so much.

Again, so very happy you have found a good resolution and it definitely sounds as if you have a wonderful center for your child to be in!
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