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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Lack of Attachment to DCK’s
Unregistered 06:50 AM 04-25-2018
Iíve logged out for privacy reasons but I wanted to know how you ladies feel towards all your DCKís. Iíve only been doing this for a year and Iíve really only been emotionally attached to 2 girls (sisters) that were in my care. They recently moved so they are no longer in my care and I do miss them on occasion and I like seeing updates on them on Facebook etc but I donít feel emotionally attached to any of the other kids in my care. I feel bad like Iím supposed to feel that way towards them. I donít dislike them or anything but I certainly donít miss them in the evenings or weekends or even when they are out for a few days due to illness or whatever. I feel itís more business than anything. I treat them with respect, guide them, teach them, help them and all the things I do with my own children but I just feel overly emotional towards them. Does that make sense? I love my own kids dearly and of course I think most anything they do is cute or funny or sweet, unless they are being complete jerks then they are corrected.

Do you ladies build attachments to your daycare kids or am I the odd man out?
Unregistered 06:55 AM 04-25-2018
When my own ds was young and at home, I wasn't as emotionally attached to the dcks as I am now that he is grown and out of the house.
gumdrops 07:05 AM 04-25-2018
I have a few that I'm attached to more than others and I miss them when they aren't here for a few days, but even those kids I don't feel overly emotional about. Most of my kids could walk out the door tomorrow, I wouldn't have any desire to go visit them. Years ago I watched a few kids for a little bit while I was in between jobs and when I see them now it's awkward to even say "Hi" to them. Not sure why. I assume it's because I didn't bond with them at all.
Kimskiddos 07:05 AM 04-25-2018
With a few exceptions (one dc family of 3 girls I've had for 12 years), I've had to "turn off the attachment gene".
Early in my career I became emotionally attached to nearly every kiddo and when they left it was devastating! My heart could not take the continued loss of kiddos.

So now I really enjoy my kiddos, we laugh, hug and play together but I keep most of my heart out of it. So no I don't miss them after work or when on vacation and it's easier to let them move on when they age out.
Snowmom 07:28 AM 04-25-2018
I'm 10 years in.

I've only been really attached to one kiddo. She left about 5 years ago.

I'm the kind of person who prefers the relationship to be all business.
Blackcat31 07:32 AM 04-25-2018
This is my job. These are not my kids.
I am attached to them WHILE they are here.
Once they age out, they age out.

Once in a while there is a family or a child that I stay in contact with or have a continued relationship with but for the most, I don't "love" and bond with my DCK's.

It's not that I am cold or uncaring, I am simply a very black and white person. My own parents took in foster kids when I was young. I learned at a very early age to separate emotionally from things when necessary.

Love them while they are here, miss them while I adjust to their absence and then move on. It's just life.

That separation and thought process has made this job easy for me in many ways. I see far too many providers become so emotionally attached to their daycare kids that sometimes their actions cross lines and create issues that didn't have to be issues at all.

Ultimately I see those emotions override their business practices and in my honest opinion nothing good comes from a business relationship that is driven by feelings and emotion. Just my two cents.
boy_mom 07:42 AM 04-25-2018
I can say that I have never become emotionally attached to the kids in my care, with the exception of one child who is friends with my son. That attachment has only formed after the working relationship was a few years old - he was actually a child i dreaded seeing as an infant

I am not cold or uncaring at all. while the children were at daycare they had a great time and received loving care, but I never once thought of them on my off time or have dwelled on their absence when they left my care.

I guess i just saw it as my job and nothing more, and that's ok!
Miss A 07:46 AM 04-25-2018
I have been doing daycare for 5 years, both in a center and a home setting. When I worked in the center I had 1 DCG that I instantly bonded with. She was my very first daycare baby, and her mom and I became close friends. She moved on to preschool almost 2 years ago and that loss was hard for me.

I had one daycare baby in-home that I instantly attached to as well before my own DS was born. Her dad worked away from home all week and her mom was a on-call med-surg nurse so baby and I clocked a lot of early morning/extended night hours. She was an absolute joy to have, and last May when DCM got a new job as a clinic nurse with steady hours in another town, I bawled. They have me a month's notice, and it was the saddest month for me. Her last day was my birthday last year, and both parents came for pick-up and presented me with a big wall hanging and heartfelt card. I still cry when I think about that goodbye. She does pop in every couple of months as a drop in, and she is still a joy to have.

Since I had my DS though I am not emotionally attached to any of my current kids. I enjoy their presence, look forward to them learning new skills, but I do not feel that bond with them that I have with kids in the past. And I like it SO much better this way! When they leave at the end of the day I can be "done" with them and focus on my DS and DH. It is much more of a business transaction than a heartfelt, deep emotional connection and it is so refreshing.
Jdy2222 08:15 AM 04-25-2018
I adore my dck's, but when they leave at the end of the day I focus on my family and that's that.

I am attached to one. She needed more tlc when she was a baby so my family and I helped to meet that need. She'll get a few tears out of me when she moves on.
BrynleeJean 08:32 AM 04-25-2018
Makes sense to me

Ive felt this way when i worked in centers or come across others providers in my area that seems more like besties with their clients that anything else or when my DCPs want to stay and chat or show me pics of what little DCK did that weekend or whatever.

I think that the detachment is a healthy one because it gives me a perspective of the child that the parents don't see if that makes any sense. they are still my buds, "my kids" i call them but I've never shed a tear when they left.
I think the detachment does make it a bit awkward with the parents in my opinion though sometimes with the families that want me to gush all over LO or whatever.
Play Care 08:33 AM 04-25-2018
Pretty much everything that Blackcat said.

And even the ones I like, I'm ready to see the back of them come time for Kindergarten
MyAngels 08:46 AM 04-25-2018
I don't think an "attachment" to a daycare child is necessary to be a good provider. I care for all of my dcks and provide good quality, even loving care, but it's important to realize that they are only part of our daily lives for a short time and then they move on, and that's the way of the world .

Besides that, "attachments" tend to muddy the waters when it comes to maintaining a professional working relationship with the parents, and who needs that?
hwichlaz 09:02 AM 04-25-2018
Iím able to stay detached most of the time, but once in a while there is a kid that i canít help but love. Iím sure you know the type. The type that could get the grinch himself to smile?

Unregistered 09:04 AM 04-25-2018
No emotional attachment at all ever. I have been doing this for 20 years. When children are in my care they are loved and cared for. I provide hugs and happiness. They get my very best and they feel that. However, when they leave that's that. It's just how I roll.
Josiegirl 09:45 AM 04-25-2018
When I look at pictures of (some!!)dcks gone by I feel a bittersweet sadness; feeling lucky that I got to know them and watch them grow but sad it seems to pass so very fast. I have loved and do love some of my dcks, but it's a different kind of love than for other people in my life and my own kids. And other dcks.....can't say I'd miss some of them.
Annalee 10:28 AM 04-25-2018
In the past, I took everything to heart and worked too much on emotion....not anymore.....have learned too many lessons the hard way! At the end of the day, this is a business.....I think about them when they are gone as much as they think about me
Ariana 11:12 AM 04-25-2018
I think that is pretty normal! I care about my daycare kids but since I have my own children I canít really love them or get attached to them. They are sweet and fun and I care a great deal about them but am rarely sad to see them go. I think keeping that distance is a way to maintain emotional health.
Unregistered 11:59 AM 04-25-2018
I logged out for privacy as well! Thanks so much for posting this! I have wondered the same thing so many times and have thought "maybe this job isn't for me?" Even though I like my job... Just can't attach myself to kids that aren't my own, aside from my niece... Whom I consider "mine" kwim?

My 3 year old is attached to the other kids very much. She's sad when 1 leaves and that is hard to watch. Sometimes she prays at bedtime and always includes those kids.

I also am glad I don't have those "love" feelings in a way because I don't want to feel upset every time a kid leaves.
e.j. 12:01 PM 04-25-2018
I get attached to some kids more than others. (I still have a voicemail message from years ago that one of those kids left one day after kindergarten saying, "We had our first French Toast sticks at school today and yours are better!" that I just can't even think about erasing! He's in high school now. lol) I feel sad when it's time for them to move on but then there are others I can't wait to wave goodbye to!
CityGarden 12:21 PM 04-25-2018
I am a new provider only a year in... I have 6 dcks.

2 dcks I will not miss at all once they leave. I am counting down the days.

2 dcks I would miss briefly as I adjust and will love seeing them on occasion at the park, farmer's market, etc. or following how they grow over time on FB, etc.

2 dcks I am not so sure about - I enjoy them while they are here but I feel indifferent to the idea of them leaving.

I don't think of any of them on the weekend and do not miss them when they are sick.
LK5kids 04:21 PM 04-25-2018
I've always liked my DCK's a lot.....but never have been emotionally attached.
Sunchimes 05:40 PM 04-25-2018
I thought I was super attached to my first dck, but once she left, it was easier than expected. I have one now that I am completely bonded to. She had severe health issues at birth and came to me 2 weeks post NICU. I fought for that child. She is fine now, but when you have a child like that, you, (or at least in this case,) have to cross lines with the family. Mom says we co-parented her. We are considered grandparents and part of the family now. We love the entire family. Mom and I both tear up when we talk about her heading off to Pre-K this fall. But, we will be able to see her on weekends and maybe school vacations, just as real grandparents. It won't be as good as seeing her every day, but kids grow up. I don't expect to have this bond with another child, but thankfully, it is a small town, so I can count on running into them now and then.
flying_babyb 05:44 PM 04-26-2018
Good post.
My current group are nice kids but i'm not attached. One kid from my group who moved up "lukie pookie" will always hold a spot in my heart. He was a horrible kid in my room, made me cry a few times, but with presistance has become one of the best kids Ive had. There was another little girl I had for 3 weeks, and I actually tracked down her grandma on facebook to see how she is! She was special needs, and I was told she would not learn, talk or be potty trained. I had her talking (a few words), potty trained (even at nap) and able to point to 4 colors when I named them by the time she left.

Other than that, Nope, I dont get attached.
daycarediva 10:09 AM 04-27-2018
Originally Posted by Kimskiddos:
With a few exceptions (one dc family of 3 girls I've had for 12 years), I've had to "turn off the attachment gene".
Early in my career I became emotionally attached to nearly every kiddo and when they left it was devastating! My heart could not take the continued loss of kiddos.

So now I really enjoy my kiddos, we laugh, hug and play together but I keep most of my heart out of it. So no I don't miss them after work or when on vacation and it's easier to let them move on when they age out.
This. Detach. The kids would NEVER be able to tell my actual feelings. If you ask them who my favorite is, they all think it's them.
Tags:attached to children, attachments
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