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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Don't You Hate It When They Twist Good Parenting Techniques?
MrsB 06:42 AM 02-22-2012
This is probably more of a vent than anything, but wanted to here all your stories of when parents use good parenting techinques and for lack of a better word, "dont get it".

So today, I had a mom who's child came in with yucky hands. Obviously she had been eating her breakfast in the car. She must have had some kind of granola bar or something with chocolate in it. Her mom takes her shoes and coat off and takes her to the bathroom to wash her hands. The daughter, who is 3, throws a fit and says she doesnt want to wash her hands. The mother turns the water off, brings daughter out of bathroom, says to me, "you know what they say, learn to pick your battles" and walks out the front door.

Oh my, guess it means back into the bathroom to wash our hands! Learning to pick your battles is a great techinique. But rules are rules here and we dont pick and choose which rules to follow!
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nannyde 07:03 AM 02-22-2012
Ring a ding ding

"Hey mom... this is Nan. Yeah I need you to pick Little Missy up asap. I have to care for the other children and my child and I can't have her with us because her hands are covered in chocolate and food. I asked her to please go wash her hands after you left and she said "no". I know we should both pick our battles and I don't want to make her do it if she says no. I just want her to be happy. It's not worth upsetting her. I need you to come and pick her up and maybe in the next day or two she will be okay with washing her hands. Just keep me posted every morning on whether or not she said yes. If she doesn't do it within a week maybe you should consult her doctor. Bring me a note if you do to let me know what he would like us to do if this should ever happen again."
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Cat Herder 07:04 AM 02-22-2012
Yeah.... "Pick your battles is more about a t-shirt put on backwards and mis-matched socks....not handwashing after a meal.

My most recent is the "child led" dinner. "Ice Cream Supper" seems to be a trendy new fad for a child who has had a particularly stressful day at "school".

"Johnny* had 7 time-outs today. He is exhausted, my poor little guy. We are taking the night for bonding fun. I feel just awful they put him through that all day." (this was a facebook post by a former high school classmate that nearly caused me to lose my supper) BTW, he is 4 and pictured with a smirk, a huge bowl of ice cream and sitting on the couch in front of a big screen TV..

She had 37 "likes"..... And other Mom's speaking of Ice Cream Supper nights. Anyone else heard of this? This is the blog from her "recommends" this past summer. http://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/2011/06/...eam-for-dinner.


Nan...... That would be so awesome!!!
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youretooloud 07:21 AM 02-22-2012
OH, wow... so mom lets the child choose to spread food all over your house?

I'd have said "you are sitting at the kitchen table until your hands are clean".
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MrsB 07:27 AM 02-22-2012
Oh as soon as mom left, I said very politely go wash your hands. She picked herself up the floor and went and washed her hands without a peep. Came out with a very sunny disposition. She is an awesome girl and always follows the rules and listens the first time I say it. So I know its not me! Just were wondering what kind of "excuses" you DCP use for not following rules.
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iheartkids 07:37 AM 02-22-2012
I've always heard the "I don't want to listen to them scream" excuse. I think that is the most popular. And I know parents are more lenient about rules at home such as jumping on the furniture and such. I admit, I let my ONLY child jump around on the couch when she was younger. BUT when I had a problem with this with one of the DCKs I told the parent I couldn't take my chances that the child will fall off my couch and I would be liable for it AND the younger ones that are less stable want to follow suit.
(as an added note I did NOT let my DD jump on other people's furniture...I taught her to be respectful at other people's houses)
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Sunchimes 07:45 AM 02-22-2012
I don't remember ice cream suppers when I was a kid, but I do remember evenings when mom would pick us up and we would have a more relaxed meal. But, it was never--ever--done as a reward or consolation for anything. Rewards were smiles, good jobs, and hugs. In hindsight, our relaxed evenings were probably a result of a single mom, working split shifts and depending on the city bus to get around. Exhaustion, not rewards. It took me way to long to appreciate my mom!

Just shows me what a good job you are doing with this dcg when she minds you without question.

Anyway, after sitting here this morning reading your posts, I'm going to hug all of my moms this afternoon. Sometimes they aggravate me, sometimes they are a little fast and loose with times, but for the most part, they are doing the best they can. Overall, they defer to me as much as I defer to them, we work well together, and when I compare them to some I read about here, I realize how lucky I am to have them.
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cheerfuldom 08:04 AM 02-22-2012
the whole attachment/bonding techniques that go waaayyyy overboard. I absolutely understand that babies need that time to bond with mom. I breastfed, co-sleep and babywear....I get it, I really do. But when it goes on for years and years and a four year old is still being carried and the parents are afraid to parent for fear of losing this elusive bond then yes, it has gone too far.
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saved4always 12:03 PM 02-22-2012
Originally Posted by iheartkids:
I've always heard the "I don't want to listen to them scream" excuse. I think that is the most popular. And I know parents are more lenient about rules at home such as jumping on the furniture and such. I admit, I let my ONLY child jump around on the couch when she was younger. BUT when I had a problem with this with one of the DCKs I told the parent I couldn't take my chances that the child will fall off my couch and I would be liable for it AND the younger ones that are less stable want to follow suit.
(as an added note I did NOT let my DD jump on other people's furniture...I taught her to be respectful at other people's houses)
My friend provides childcare in her home and she has a dcg who constantly jumps on the couch and runs back and forth across it (I think dcg was a little over a year old). Her parents said, "oh, she loves to do that at home" in a tone of voice like "isn't she just soooo precious and cute?". My friend friend let it go, I believe. This same little girl would constantly come into her house with tiny little items like rubber bands or other chokeables. The parents KNOW there is a crawling baby in the house but do not want to fight thier child so they let her bring dangerous things with her. Guess they were picking thier battles. AND they didn't tell my friend..she'd find them after the parent left. That one she did not let go. I am much more rule-oriented so my dck's are absolutely NOT allowed to jump on my furniture. And I confiscate anything kids bring with them. Tell them they don't want to lose it in my house, do they?
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Heidi 12:14 PM 02-22-2012
Back to the original post....lol

I overheard a woman telling her 2 yo she "needed to make a choice" to eat her pizza at Applebees (over and over and over). "Make a good choice...take another bite". arggggghhhh

I almost yelled over..."just tell her to eat the friggin pizza, lady. You are not giving her a choice, and your nagging is driving ME insane"
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nannyde 12:17 PM 02-22-2012
Originally Posted by iheartkids:
I've always heard the "I don't want to listen to them scream" excuse. I think that is the most popular. And I know parents are more lenient about rules at home such as jumping on the furniture and such. I admit, I let my ONLY child jump around on the couch when she was younger. BUT when I had a problem with this with one of the DCKs I told the parent I couldn't take my chances that the child will fall off my couch and I would be liable for it AND the younger ones that are less stable want to follow suit.
(as an added note I did NOT let my DD jump on other people's furniture...I taught her to be respectful at other people's houses)
I let my son stand on the couch, climb the coffee table, run the house unsupervised, run up and down the stairs, go in and out the back door by himself from the time he was a young three, etc. Only in my house though... nowhere else.

I WISH I could do the same for the dck's. I really do. I wish I had the freedom to allow them the freedom my son had in this house. I wish they could run from room to room unsupervised and play outside without an adult out there. I wish they could climb around my couch and my tables. It would be SO much easier to care for them the way I did my son when he was little.

At least I know they all have at least five hours of awake time a day with their parents to do these things. This is one of the MAIN reasons I don't allow over nine hour days. I want the kids to have the life experience of being able to run free with very little adult.
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christinaskids 12:54 PM 02-22-2012
I would say picking my battle would be taking a wipe to her hands instead. I think she just thought since she was at your house she said just forget it and let you handle it. It is quite ridiculous how some people let their children have all of the authority. My husband likes to let the kids make a lot of their own choices a lot because choice making is an excellent life skill for adulthood. Some take it a little far...
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daycare 01:03 PM 02-22-2012
one of my favorite dcm always lets her daughter come in with a toy. She knows the policy NO TOYS...

She always says, its the only way I could get her to get out of the car.
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saved4always 04:50 PM 02-22-2012
Originally Posted by bbo:
Back to the original post....lol

I overheard a woman telling her 2 yo she "needed to make a choice" to eat her pizza at Applebees (over and over and over). "Make a good choice...take another bite". arggggghhhh

I almost yelled over..."just tell her to eat the friggin pizza, lady. You are not giving her a choice, and your nagging is driving ME insane"
That is too funny! I had a friend who used that line for everything her kids did wrong. Her son would hit another child and she would say "make a good choice". I was like..discipline him already, would ya, he obviously doe not know what the good choice is???!!!!!
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cheerfuldom 06:00 PM 02-22-2012
what about the "counting to three" and then they hit three and nothing ever happens? or the "do you need a timeout?" question that is asked over and over. what kid is going to say yes to that??
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MrsB 07:49 PM 02-22-2012
Yeah I never did get the 1-2-3 thing. The kid just learns that they can continue the bad behavior until you get up and move. My daycare kids know that I tell them what they need to do the first time and there are no second chances.

I also try not to threaten with a certain punishment. If you watch closely then you can see the kids weighing their options. "Continue ramming this car into the wall or go to time out"

I tell you what this profession has definately made me a MUCH better parent. Not only do I get to learn from my own mistakes, I get to learn from others too! If you ask my kids 15 years from now my oldest (13) would probably say I parented totally different than my youngest, who's 16 mos. Kind of not fair for my oldest but at least I am making progress towards the better rather than just staying the same!
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SilverSabre25 09:44 PM 02-22-2012
Originally Posted by cheerfuldom:
what about the "counting to three" and then they hit three and nothing ever happens? or the "do you need a timeout?" question that is asked over and over. what kid is going to say yes to that??
For awhile when my DD was two, I would count to ten to give her time to choose to do what I needed her to do (put on shoes, follow me, put the toy back on the shelf at the store, etc)--all things that were not immediate, safety concerns. I had time; I had patience; I could wait.

HOWEVER--if I got to ten and she hadn't done it, there WAS a consequence. Usually, I did it for her instead of her getting to do it herself (a huge thing at her age, lol), or I would pick her up and carry her, or she lost her privilege to walk and had to ride in the stroller/cart. This was a HUGE deal to her. She hated having her autonomy taken away. After a few weeks, she rarely got past four or five.

Even now, all I have to do is say, "ONE..." and she usually complies instantly.

I hate the "do you need a time out?" line, although the answer to your question, "What if they say yes?" is, you put them in a time out.
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Meyou 01:34 AM 02-23-2012
"One, twoooooooo......thrrrrrrrrr...." still works like a charm with my 8 year old. She runs like the wind when I start three. My 13 year old loves to ask me what I'm going to do the first time she doesn't run and I don't have a clue.

I'm joking but I guess the point is that some techniques work even when they're silly if you follow up. She might not know what happens at 3 but she knows what happens when she doesn't listen to Mom.
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Zoe 07:49 AM 02-23-2012
I use the 1-2-3 and there IS a consequence. Works like a charm for me. Gives the kid a chance to make good decisions and if not...consequence.
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Blackcat31 08:01 AM 02-23-2012
I also use 1,2,3. I think more than half my DCK's learned to count from that method...
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SilverSabre25 08:11 AM 02-23-2012
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
I also use 1,2,3. I think more than half my DCK's learned to count from that method...
That's how my DD learned to count to ten!

We would also use a ten-count to give her time to finish something she was doing. "Ok, you can look at that toy until I get to ten, and then we are moving on." "Ok, you can stomp in that puddle until I get to ten, and then we are walking into the store." etc.
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Blackcat31 08:19 AM 02-23-2012
...LOL! even discipline techniques have an academic educational side
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daycare 08:33 AM 02-23-2012
Whats even more funny to hear is a man threaten punishment on a child.

A few weekends ago my cousin was visiting with his kids. My cousin tells his daughter, if you do that again (cant recall what she did) I am going to shave your head.

WTH.........I looked at him and said, I should smack you for saying that to her.......

REALLY DAD....
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Country Kids 08:42 AM 02-23-2012
Originally Posted by daycare:
Whats even more funny to hear is a man threaten punishment on a child.

A few weekends ago my cousin was visiting with his kids. My cousin tells his daughter, if you do that again (cant recall what she did) I am going to shave your head.

WTH.........I looked at him and said, I should smack you for saying that to her.......

REALLY DAD....
I know of someone who actually did that!

Forgot to add-a teenage girl!
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familyschoolcare 09:46 AM 02-23-2012
Originally Posted by daycare:
Whats even more funny to hear is a man threaten punishment on a child.

A few weekends ago my cousin was visiting with his kids. My cousin tells his daughter, if you do that again (cant recall what she did) I am going to shave your head.

WTH.........I looked at him and said, I should smack you for saying that to her.......

REALLY DAD....
We have cut the hair of one of our children really short (no guard on clippers) as a means of discipline.

.


Now before anyone start to freak on me. It was for at the age of 15 not keeping his hair and body clean. BTW it worked like a charm have not that problem with that child again.
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daycare 09:51 AM 02-23-2012
Originally Posted by Country Kids:
I know of someone who actually did that!

Forgot to add-a teenage girl!
OMG really.... actually I do too....lol but they were older.

One of my neighbors daughters got pregnant at the age of 16. This was about 10 years ago. Her mom decided that she wanted to punish her daughter and make her less attractive, so she shaved her head.......

It didnt work, she got pregnant again when she was 18...
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Ariana 12:47 PM 02-23-2012
Originally Posted by nannyde:
Ring a ding ding

"Hey mom... this is Nan. Yeah I need you to pick Little Missy up asap. I have to care for the other children and my child and I can't have her with us because her hands are covered in chocolate and food. I asked her to please go wash her hands after you left and she said "no". I know we should both pick our battles and I don't want to make her do it if she says no. I just want her to be happy. It's not worth upsetting her. I need you to come and pick her up and maybe in the next day or two she will be okay with washing her hands. Just keep me posted every morning on whether or not she said yes. If she doesn't do it within a week maybe you should consult her doctor. Bring me a note if you do to let me know what he would like us to do if this should ever happen again."

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Tags:parenting styles, peeve, pet peeve
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