Unregistered 01:34 PM 03-13-2015
I have an 18 month old in my care who is extremely physical. He hits, pulls hair, climbs on kids, pinches their neck skin...on and on. My question is: What exactly should I tell the parents of the kid who is getting hurt here? At first, it was just my child, and the parents are very motivated to help find a solution so I didn't term. right away (and now we are in a probationary period to see if it will improve). When the hitter is not here, the other kid has a great time, but he has really sad days when he is getting hurt several times an hour. I want to be honest and forthright but I also don't want them to pull their kid from my care. What should I say?
Unregistered 01:40 PM 03-13-2015
If you don't separate him or term him the other family will probably leave. Who's worth it?
Heidi 02:05 PM 03-13-2015
I don't believe using the term "bully" when referring to an 18 month old. They are not developmentally capable of bullying. I know you did see he IS a bully, instead that the other child is BEING bullied, but I'd be careful about throwing that term around.
Now, I didn't mean that to sound mean.
If you really feel like you're out of options, I'd probably term. It takes a LOT of effort to curb that behavior, and it's awfully hard when you're alone. The other children and you do deserve to have peace.
daycare 02:06 PM 03-13-2015
I agree with the pp...
i would term this child for the sake of everyones safety and losing any other children.
The number of aggressive toddlers is climbing at an alarming number and I just can't figure out why this is. I don't want to get off track here.
I would tell the family exactly what happened to the child that got hurt and do NOT use names, as you are bound by confidentially.
Example:
HI dcm, billy got a little scratch today from one of his friends in a small debate over a duplo block. I was sure to remove the child who hurt him and made certain that he was not hurt again. this is a phase children go through during this time due to the lack of being able to communicate, however, I want to reassure you that I am doing everything possible to make sure your child and every child here is kept safe. Thank you so much for your understanding and cooperation with this matter. As always, should you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.
what are you doing to reduce the unwanted behavior with the offender?
daycare 02:07 PM 03-13-2015
Originally Posted by Heidi:
I don't believe using the term "bully" when referring to an 18 month old. They are not developmentally capable of bullying. I know you did see he IS a bully, instead that the other child is BEING bullied, but I'd be careful about throwing that term around.
Now, I didn't mean that to sound mean.
If you really feel like you're out of options, I'd probably term. It takes a LOT of effort to curb that behavior, and it's awfully hard when you're alone. The other children and you do deserve to have peace.
that is a good point Heidi....I would not use that term. Usually bullying implies that it was premeditated and we know children of this age don't have that ability yet.
Unregistered 02:16 PM 03-13-2015
I think termination is in the cards regardless, but I'm wondering what exactly the say to the parents of the child who is getting hurt. These things happen to some degree and I don't want to blow it out of proportion, but the reality is that even when I am sitting just feet away, his hair is getting pulled etc etc...I don't want to make it sound like I just left them alone to get pummeled because that is not what happens. The little guy is just very persistent and quick. However, I don't want to bad mouth the aggressor either. Any ideas?
Unregistered 02:25 PM 03-13-2015
Right, I know this is developmentally appropriate behaviour to some degree, however, the frequency is not. To curb the behaviour I started with silently redirecting him, then "gentle hands" with role play, I tried introducing more gross motor toys and activities to get his energy out, we got him a little baby doll (he targeted my infant son, initially) Trying to protect confidentiality is unfortunately not possible since they are the only kids here on the days they are together. The other dcm is going to know exactly who it is. And I wouldn't even call a legit bully a bully to a parent, but I assumed those of you in the industry would know what I mean.
daycare 02:28 PM 03-13-2015
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I think termination is in the cards regardless, but I'm wondering what exactly the say to the parents of the child who is getting hurt. These things happen to some degree and I don't want to blow it out of proportion, but the reality is that even when I am sitting just feet away, his hair is getting pulled etc etc...I don't want to make it sound like I just left them alone to get pummeled because that is not what happens. The little guy is just very persistent and quick. However, I don't want to bad mouth the aggressor either. Any ideas?
it sounds like that guy needs his own play space if you are not going to term. Do you have super yard? Or a way to keep him from the other kids.
I have never seen a child like what you are describing before. Also when the child does this, what is your response?
Unregistered 03:02 PM 03-13-2015
Originally Posted by daycare:
I would tell the family exactly what happened to the child that got hurt and do NOT use names, as you are bound by confidentially.
I know it's off topic but what law covers confidentiality? or is it in your regs?
daycare 03:09 PM 03-13-2015
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I know it's off topic but what law covers confidentiality? or is it in your regs?
well in most states I believe that it is regulation, but I don' know how that works for those of you that are legally unlicensed. BUT out of respect for the families, even if you could tell them why would you. In my state is is illegal to give parents any information about another child in my care for any reason.
Think of it this way...you tell Joes parents that bill hits him daily or does something bad to Joe daily. Now joe's parents are not going to like Bill or Bill's parents and they might even tell their child don't play with bill anymore. YOu will create drama and more problems if you do tell them, plus, I think it's very unprofessional. I wanted to edit to add, you still need to tell them when necessary, but I mean don't tell them names
Of course, once they start talking, they will tell their parents and at that time, you can only let the parents know what you are doing to prevent it from happening again.
Unregistered 03:24 PM 03-13-2015
Originally Posted by daycare:
it sounds like that guy needs his own play space if you are not going to term. Do you have super yard? Or a way to keep him from the other kids.
I have never seen a child like what you are describing before. Also when the child does this, what is your response?
To curb the behaviour I started with silently redirecting him, then "gentle hands" with role play, I tried introducing more gross motor toys and activities to get his energy out, we got him a little baby doll (he targeted my infant son, initially) We moved on to time outs
daycare 03:38 PM 03-13-2015
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
To curb the behaviour I started with silently redirecting him, then "gentle hands" with role play, I tried introducing more gross motor toys and activities to get his energy out, we got him a little baby doll (he targeted my infant son, initially) We moved on to time outs
the child is young, but with much work on your part, again if you can't term, I would get a rug/carpet hula hoop, play yard, something to keep him separate from the other kids and make him play there after he hurts someone.
If he hurts them, move him right away with a firm NO....give all of your attention to the victim. If the offender cries, they go to the crying spot and stay until done crying.
if they are not crying they can stay on one of the above items to play on a rug/towel etc alone in their own space with the toys you choose to give them. they may not come off of it for at least 5-10min. then again reintroduce the child back into his play group and shadow the heck out of him. learn to know his cues and become proactive. Catch him before he does it. Constantly remind him gentle hands, nice to our friends, give hugs, give live, shake hands.
read books about being nice and how to treat others, sign songs, do feltboard stories about it and so on. It is possible to get this kid to curb this, but you better be ready for the ride.
Honestly though, if i had this child I would let them go asap. that is a lot of time and energy to put into one child and the other children need you too.
Heidi 05:46 PM 03-13-2015
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
Right, I know this is developmentally appropriate behaviour to some degree, however, the frequency is not. To curb the behaviour I started with silently redirecting him, then "gentle hands" with role play, I tried introducing more gross motor toys and activities to get his energy out, we got him a little baby doll (he targeted my infant son, initially) Trying to protect confidentiality is unfortunately not possible since they are the only kids here on the days they are together. The other dcm is going to know exactly who it is. And I wouldn't even call a legit bully a bully to a parent, but I assumed those of you in the industry would know what I mean.
Ok, that totally hit home. Had a little guy EXACTLY like that 15 years ago, and after a year, I finally termed him.
The day I knew it was over was the day I actually hit him (somewhat accidentally). After a morning of constant redirection and literally peeling him off other kids (he was almost 3 by then), I said "N, come here", and gently pulled him toward me as I crouched down at eye level. I wanted eye contact so he'd know I was serious. Before I could get another word out, he smacked me full force across the face. My reaction was to flail my hand out, and I sat him right on his rear. A natural reaction to protect yourself, but I was horrified.
He didn't even cry, but I was a wreck! I called all my dc friend's, freaking out. I told his mom, who just shrugged (she understood it wasn't premeditated, but self-defense). I spent a few days thinking about it, and then termed.
I had talked to every resource I could because I knew SOMETHING was wrong. I was told "it's normal". Like you, I said "the behavior is normal, but not the frequency".
He ended up in an early childhood program, highly structured, and that was even more awful for him. I think mom quit her job after that. Eventually, he went to school and ended up in the gifted and talented program
.
I still keep in contact with the family via FB. He's apparently doing well now, but I never would have thought so all those years ago!