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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>New DM Is Turning Out To Be Difficult
Dsquared 12:10 PM 09-19-2016
Hello providers,

I would love if you were able to give me advice on this situation. I'm sure someone has had a parent like this. I had a family start with me on August 29th. Their little boy is 8 months old. I was really excited because mom is a teacher and teachers are always my best clients. They are reasonable and understanding. I prepared myself taking this family on because I know a baby who is just entering daycare at 8 months old for the first time and being nursed may take him a while to adjust. He has been with me 3 weeks and it has been difficult. I have had to spend a lot of the day holding him and getting him to sleep is a chore. This is fine though because i expected it. Before they started with me mom asked if she could come during the day to see the other kids and me in action. She came and stayed about one hour and a half. Then she asked if she could bring him for 2 trial days which I agreed to before he started. Now we are going on week 4. Last week she accidentally sent me a text which was supposed to go to her hubby. It said she would be talking to me about her concerns. When she came to pick me up she said she is having a hard time knowing where he sleeps and where he eats and is having horrible visions in her head and she started crying. She asked if she could come again at pick up and see where he eats and sleeps and would like me to teach her what I do. I told her I would do it. She picks up around 3:45 and I have other kids here that I need to start getting ready around 4 for pick up. I don't want to do this for her again. How do I tell her nicely that I can't be walking on eggshells around a worried parent. That makes my job very difficult. All the parents I have now are easy and they trust me and my care. I have been nice sending her numerous updates during the day since they are new and pictures. Normally I do this once a day for each parent. Any advice would be appreciated!!
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laundrymom 12:14 PM 09-19-2016
I would ask what her real worry is.
Just let her know any questions won't offend you but you can't worry about her worrying all the time.
Tell her you will do your best to keep her informed but understand if they need to seek care elsewhere due to her inability to relax.
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Controlled Chaos 12:24 PM 09-19-2016
I might text her a pic of baby eating and write "I just realized I won't be able to give you a step by step walk through of LOs day at pick up, I have # other children to care for at that time and I need to keep my focus on them, I'm sure you understand. I will send you a pic of little one napping later and if you have any specific questions or concerns I would be happy to answer them"

Does mom have PPD?
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Poptarts22 01:06 PM 09-19-2016
I honestly would look to replace. A parent who can't trust your care is not a good parent to have. How long are you willing to pat moms hand and reassure her-because she may need a lot of it. I babysit children- not parents
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daycare 01:20 PM 09-19-2016
I agree with telling dcm, while you understand that you are both building a relationship at this time and it takes time to build trust, dcm needs to trust that you know how to do your job.

I would thank her for being able to communicate all/any of her concerns and that you are here to help when you can. Some things like having a parent hang out for the day while you are trying to do your job, isn't possible and if she asks to do it again I would say no.

I would also tell her that if she can't start trusting you, that you will have no choice but to let her go. When a parent is so stressed out about their child's care, it places a great amount of stress on the provider too.

If after telling this to dcm she is still feeling uneasy or untrusting, I would chalk it up to not being a good fit.
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Unregistered 02:17 PM 09-19-2016
Originally Posted by Controlled Chaos:
I might text her a pic of baby eating and write "I just realized I won't be able to give you a step by step walk through of LOs day at pick up, I have # other children to care for at that time and I need to keep my focus on them, I'm sure you understand. I will send you a pic of little one napping later and if you have any specific questions or concerns I would be happy to answer them"

Does mom have PPD?
PPD is the first thing I thought of.
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nannyde 03:37 PM 09-19-2016
Who took care of the baby after moms maternity leave?
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Unregistered 04:43 PM 09-19-2016
Dcm needs a nanny. PPD could also be going on. Inwould talk to the dcd and see what his feelings are.
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Ariana 05:56 PM 09-19-2016
This is the stay at home mommy wannabe according to Nannyde's book!

This will not stop. Her anxiety might also start to cause major issues for the child as well. You will have nothing but a headache on your hands with this one.

I would simply say "I am very confident in what I do and I can see clearly that you are not confident in my abilities therefore we are not a good fit. You should feel at ease when choosing a care provider. I wish you the best of luck in your search"
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ColorfulSunburst 06:12 PM 09-19-2016
I always say to parents, that if they hear nothing from me it means that everything is doing well. Maybe it will help in your situation.
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Dsquared 05:49 AM 09-20-2016
Thanks for the input! I do not want to throw in the towel yet as we need the income. I thought one of the ideas was good of me sending her a picture of him sleeping. I sent a couple of him in the highchair eating. The only thing is I don't want her to start to expect a picture of her child napping. Its hard enough to take pictures during the day. I talked to the dad this morning and he said he is totally good with the situation but his wife is just having a tougher time since she was home with him for 8 months. He told me she will be ok though. I will have to wait it out and see how it goes.
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Lovisa 06:58 AM 09-20-2016
Man, that just seems like WAY too much. I understand being apprehensive about your kiddo starting daycare for the first time. But at some point, she either trusts you or she doesn't. I wouldn't be able to tolerate being under that kind of scrutiny all the time. It would stress me out!

I actually had a parent (my FIRST one actually) who was this way. After a few months I had to term. I just wasn't ok with having to send several texts per day about what her baby did, what he ate, when he napped, when he smiled, when farted (lol ok, maybe not that but you get the idea). She started trying to tell me I don't want him doing this, this or this, and don't let him around this boy, this boy or that boy, and I want him to have his own toys, and don't let him nap during these times, etc etc etc. It was crazy! Terming was definitely the right move.

Good luck!
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Dsquared 09:46 AM 09-20-2016
I sent her pictures of him during his morning nap and I just sent pictures of him eating lunch. She said "that's just what I needed" I'm hoping this satisfies her!
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Josiegirl 10:06 AM 09-20-2016
Originally Posted by Dsquared:
I sent her pictures of him during his morning nap and I just sent pictures of him eating lunch. She said "that's just what I needed" I'm hoping this satisfies her!
I know as time-consuming and annoying as it must be to send pics or text to dcms such as this one, some of you must see it from their POV too? Or am I the only one? Their arms must be feeling pretty empty after leaving their precious baby with someone else all day, esp. after having stayed home for 8 months. I know I could not do it which is why I started in dc. It must rip their hearts out.
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Dsquared 10:10 AM 09-20-2016
I actually do send parents pictures everyday with an update on how their day has been. I am just not willing to document her sons whole day. My other parents get a couple of pictures one time a day with an update. I'm not sure how any provider could do their job properly if they have to document each child's day all day. That's just asking to much. I'm one person taking care of four kids.
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EntropyControlSpecialist 10:13 AM 09-20-2016
Originally Posted by Poptarts22:
I honestly would look to replace. A parent who can't trust your care is not a good parent to have. How long are you willing to pat moms hand and reassure her-because she may need a lot of it. I babysit children- not parents
I agree. We aren't paid enough to take care of a child AND their parent. Your updates throughout the day should be more than enough for Mom. If they aren't, then she's going to really struggle with care in general because many places don't do this. Sounds like she needs a center with a camera system installed so she can helicopter around the screen all day at work.
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Josiegirl 10:14 AM 09-20-2016
Originally Posted by Dsquared:
I actually do send parents pictures everyday with an update on how their day has been. I am just not willing to document her sons whole day. My other parents get a couple of pictures one time a day with an update. I'm not sure how any provider could do their job properly if they have to document each child's day all day. That's just asking to much. I'm one person taking care of four kids.
I totally agree but I would think dcm would be happy just seeing her happy baby once a day, might make the day go by quicker for her.
I've always told my dcps they can call any time they want to check on their kiddos and sometimes they do. I don't have a phone that takes pictures.
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EntropyControlSpecialist 10:17 AM 09-20-2016
Originally Posted by Josiegirl:
I know as time-consuming and annoying as it must be to send pics or text to dcms such as this one, some of you must see it from their POV too? Or am I the only one? Their arms must be feeling pretty empty after leaving their precious baby with someone else all day, esp. after having stayed home for 8 months. I know I could not do it which is why I started in dc. It must rip their hearts out.
I get it, to a certain degree, and send pictures as I'm able to through the Brightwheel app of the 12 children here daily. However, having a parent demanding documentation of various things (NORMAL things...) seems odd to me and I'd be uncomfortable. None of my parents demand photos. They simply appreciate them.
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MunchkinWrangler 10:20 AM 09-20-2016
Originally Posted by Josiegirl:
I know as time-consuming and annoying as it must be to send pics or text to dcms such as this one, some of you must see it from their POV too? Or am I the only one? Their arms must be feeling pretty empty after leaving their precious baby with someone else all day, esp. after having stayed home for 8 months. I know I could not do it which is why I started in dc. It must rip their hearts out.
I get it, I'm terrible with leaving my ds. I am going to try my best to be a good daycare parent.

It helps when you get a pic or update but I think it is important for dcm to let go. This is new and hopefully she will adjust and become less nervous. It's the anxiety of not being able to be in control of your child. I totally agree with you Josie.
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MunchkinWrangler 10:23 AM 09-20-2016
Originally Posted by EntropyControlSpecialist:
I get it, to a certain degree, and send pictures as I'm able to through the Brightwheel app of the 12 children here daily. However, having a parent demanding documentation of various things (NORMAL things...) seems odd to me and I'd be uncomfortable. None of my parents demand photos. They simply appreciate them.
I agree, in no way should dcm be going overboard with the control issue during the time at daycare. I mean, that is just too anxious.

OP, I definitely think you should ask pointed questions when suggestions or inquiries are made by dcm, to help you dive in to what exactly is bothering her. The communication will allow you to show your experience and help dcm trust more. But after a couple months of this, if she doesn't start to let go, it doesn't get any better.
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Ariana 11:16 AM 09-20-2016
Oh I totally get where this parent is coming from...so much so I left my career and stayed home
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Unregistered 01:43 PM 09-20-2016
I use to send pictures to the very first family I enrolled to update mom on her little ones day and she rarely acknowledge that she got them. I took it as I was bothering her at work so I stopped. When I first started using the bright wheel app I would upload pictures to each child's account but that was too time consuming and not how I wanted to use what little time I had for down time to do so. Now I upload all pictures on my Facebook page. I let parents know if you want to see pictures of ur little ones your welcome to like my Facebook page. I only have 1 mom who does not want her child on the internet so she doesn't get picture updates. I have entirely too much to do to be sending picture updates to each family. I miss my little ones while their at school and guess what I don't get photo updates from their teacher.
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Unregistered 01:47 PM 09-20-2016
Originally Posted by Ariana:
Oh I totally get where this parent is coming from...so much so I left my career and stayed home
Then this is what she should do. Not meaning to come off as rude but I always get a chuckle when I read providers saying they quit their jobs because they didn't trust anyone with their kids. It's funny because now you are a provider expecting someone to trust you to care for their children. 😂
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mommyneedsadayoff 02:03 PM 09-20-2016
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
Then this is what she should do. Not meaning to come off as rude but I always get a chuckle when I read providers saying they quit their jobs because they didn't trust anyone with their kids. It's funny because now you are a provider expecting someone to trust you to care for their children. 😂

I think that is the irony. I don't trust others to care for my kids, so I care for other people's children so I can make it possible to care for my own. It does not take away from the trust factor. If you don't trust me to watch your cild, I will not watch your child. It may be asking a lot of a parent, but they are asking quite a lot of me as well. Just because a small amount of money is exchanged, does not mean that I do not hold a higher burden in the end. Money can be found many other places, but finding a provider you can trust to raise your baby...priceless. And for those of us who couldn't find one or did not want to...we offer that service to other parents.
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Mike 02:30 PM 09-20-2016
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
Then this is what she should do. Not meaning to come off as rude but I always get a chuckle when I read providers saying they quit their jobs because they didn't trust anyone with their kids. It's funny because now you are a provider expecting someone to trust you to care for their children. ��
That's how many businesses are started. You don't want to pay someone else to do something, so you do it yourself and offer the services to others.

Nobody can fully trust someone else in anything, especially when it comes to your own children, but everyone has choices to make and some choose to let others provide the services, and hope they made the right choice.

My father got into auto mechanics, many years ago, because he didn't like the work mechanics did on his car. I got into home renovations because I couldn't afford to pay someone to do my fixing. Some people will quit their job and start a daycare because they don't want to leave their kid with someone else. Some people will leave their kid with someone else because they like their job, or they need the extra income, or in some cases, they just want that break from their kids.
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Josiegirl 02:58 PM 09-20-2016
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I use to send pictures to the very first family I enrolled to update mom on her little ones day and she rarely acknowledge that she got them. I took it as I was bothering her at work so I stopped. When I first started using the bright wheel app I would upload pictures to each child's account but that was too time consuming and not how I wanted to use what little time I had for down time to do so. Now I upload all pictures on my Facebook page. I let parents know if you want to see pictures of ur little ones your welcome to like my Facebook page. I only have 1 mom who does not want her child on the internet so she doesn't get picture updates. I have entirely too much to do to be sending picture updates to each family. I miss my little ones while their at school and guess what I don't get photo updates from their teacher.
But I bet your little ones in school aren't 8 mo.
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Josiegirl 03:00 PM 09-20-2016
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
Then this is what she should do. Not meaning to come off as rude but I always get a chuckle when I read providers saying they quit their jobs because they didn't trust anyone with their kids. It's funny because now you are a provider expecting someone to trust you to care for their children. 😂
I stayed home with my kids and started dc, not because of any trust issue but because I would've missed them so much and they're only little for a brief time.
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Unregistered 03:27 PM 09-20-2016
Originally Posted by Josiegirl:
But I bet your little ones in school aren't 8 mo.
No they're not but I miss them all the same.
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Heart12 09:59 AM 09-21-2016
Personally, I would not have allowed DCM to "observe" me with the children because IMO that just opens the flood gates. Which is what it sounds like is happening to you.

I have a DCB who started at 4mo old. DCM is a teacher & asked if she could come by for a few hours & I said No. Then she started asking if I could let her know when we would be going to the park, because she would like to meet us there. I said sure, but never called. DCB had a REALLY rough start, & I really thought I was going to end up terming. I remained nice but firm with these parents, & even sent DCB home on DAY 1!!! But, the parents respected me & at least tried any advice that I had. Things got better & now they are one of my favorite families!
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hgonzalez 12:37 PM 09-21-2016
I have had the unfortunate experience with a parent like this. Nothing I could ever do was good enough. My other parents were completely on board with my policies; she had to question them all. She wanted special accommodations for her children. They ended up leaving without paying me after a very heated phone call.

I would say replace when you can, as she will never trust you.
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Ariana 05:48 PM 09-21-2016
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
Then this is what she should do. Not meaning to come off as rude but I always get a chuckle when I read providers saying they quit their jobs because they didn't trust anyone with their kids. It's funny because now you are a provider expecting someone to trust you to care for their children. 😂
It is ironic! This is why I stayed home and took other peoples kids in because I know I am a great provider and thought that any parent and child would be happy to have me. I really thought that it was my way of making a difference in another childs life.

I always reassure nervous moms with pics and texts but when it becomes neurotic it is not about the seperation with the child it is about attention for the mom.
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Unregistered 06:51 PM 09-21-2016
Originally Posted by Ariana:
It is ironic! This is why I stayed home and took other peoples kids in because I know I am a great provider and thought that any parent and child would be happy to have me. I really thought that it was my way of making a difference in another childs life.

I always reassure nervous moms with pics and texts but when it becomes neurotic it is not about the seperation with the child it is about attention for the mom.
So far I haven't had to deal with this type of parent. My dck's love coming to my house and I'm pretty sure the dcp can tell I take good care of their kids by their interactions with me. But I agree with your last sentence.
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Ariana 10:00 AM 09-22-2016
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
So far I haven't had to deal with this type of parent. My dck's love coming to my house and I'm pretty sure the dcp can tell I take good care of their kids by their interactions with me. But I agree with your last sentence.
My only client like this happened to be my college friend believe it or not! When someone you know and who knows you acts this mistrustful and seems to need constant reassurance before they even begin care then it really is about something else! Luckily I recognized it right away and didn't enroll her child.

I have had kids not happy to see me or be at daycare but it doesn't mean I am doing anything wrong. My own niece would throw a fit at drop off every day! Then there are other kids who get super excited when their parents say it is their day to see Ariana. I treat all those kids the same. I wish parents knew that!
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EntropyControlSpecialist 10:25 AM 09-22-2016
Originally Posted by Ariana:
My only client like this happened to be my college friend believe it or not! When someone you know and who knows you acts this mistrustful and seems to need constant reassurance before they even begin care then it really is about something else! Luckily I recognized it right away and didn't enroll her child.

I have had kids not happy to see me or be at daycare but it doesn't mean I am doing anything wrong. My own niece would throw a fit at drop off every day! Then there are other kids who get super excited when their parents say it is their day to see Ariana. I treat all those kids the same. I wish parents knew that!
Same here. 18 children enrolled (most are part timers) and 4 consistently throw huge meltdown tantrums in the entryway each time it is their day to come, even though some have been coming here for 2 years, I have a couple that occasionally get clingy/whiney if they haven't gotten enough sleep, and the rest leave Mom/Dad hanging for a kiss or hug because they're so happy to be here.

I think it's dependent upon the child's personality, the way they parent at home (those that have no structure or discipline at home don't care to come here because I DO have structure and discipline), how often the child uses electronics (those that are attached to screens don't prefer to come here because they only MIGHT get 5 minutes of computer time), etc. So many factors but I do see some common threads in my tantruming kids...

I just send a picture when they stop (usually right away) and go on with my day. I don't have time to worry about if their parent's trust me or not. I'm going to assume YES if they're dropping them off. My best suggestion to any parent would be to not take them somewhere you don't trust them to be safe/well cared for at...
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knoxmomof2 05:34 PM 09-23-2016
My only advice is to just ask her what her concerns are and then respond. Once you've done something once though, that would be my limit. If she asks to see a space again, just politely tell her that you're not sure what good that will do since she's already seen it once.

If basic attempts at comforting her don't work, I think what a previous poster said about Nannyde's "Want To Be A SAHM" chapter in the book is spot on in your case!
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Tags:difficult parent, maternity leave
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