Sorry it got a little long....

SO awhile back I had posted about some drama that was going on with my 13year old daughter (8th grade)

Long story short, the girl that she was having issues with I demanded that they were no longer friends after all the drama went down back in August.
I tried to reach out to this girls mom at that time and the mom acted like she was also 13 years old, calling my daughter names and putting all the blame on my daughter. I told my daughter that I could not support such an unhealthy relationship, but if she wanted to befriend this girl at school, she could.

Little more history on this story... The other girl, bullied my daughter on FB, (I know, she should not even have one, but she does and I can't do anything about it, because my ex allows her to have it) The girl also stold stuff from my daughter and made all of the kids at school turn against her. My daughter was gone all summer and came home from Europe 2 days before school started when all of this went down. In long, this girl and some other "supposed to be friends" of my daughters put sugar in our gas tank, egg our house and destroyed the paint on my car with ketchup. All of this was caught on video from our security cams. I know that my daughter was not innocent in all of this and made mistakes as well. These girls are 12-14 years old and they will make mistakes. My whole reason to try and reach out to the mom and try to talk with our daughters to fix the problem, but like I said, the mom was not willing to. A little more on the mom, she is the talk of the town and honestly is not a very good person. I don't like to judge people, but she is not an ideal mother when I think of what one should be. For a lack of better words, she is loose. There was some other stuff that this mom did directly to me as well and I am still angry.


Well as you can see, months have passed and my daughter has asked if she can hang out with this girl. I know I can't pick my daughters friends, but I can control what she does with them.
Also, the other night, my husband ran into this mom and her new BF (she changes BF weekly to monthly) and I guess my husband knows the guy. My husband chatted to the mom for the first time since all the drama started back in AUgust.

I told my daughter NO. That I did not like this girl, she lied to me and is disrespectful and I don't think that she is a good friend choice. Also since this happened, my daughter has made friends with some very nice girls from very nice families and none of them get along with this girl.

SOrry it's so long, my question is would you allow for your child to be friends with someone that you didn't like the child's parent? Would you allow for your child to have a friendship with someone who did something like this to them and has done nothing to gain back trust? It has been a real HOT Topic in my house the last few weeks and I get mixed bags of advice from my own family about letting her choose her friends...

Any advice??

Reply

Of course you can do something about FB, your daughter LIVES in YOUR home, not her father's. You should have control over what goes on in YOUR home, not your ex-husband.

Stop seeking advice from family and friends. You are your daughter's mother, you need to make the decision that you know from your heart is right.

Since you are asking for advice, NO, your daughter should not renew her friendship with this girl. This girl is TROUBLE and has proven it.

Reply

I hear you on the FB thing. I have fought it a million times and it is the only one thing really that my ex and I cannot compromise on. I have sat and made her delete it, just for him to give her permission to have another one. It is a losing battle there and I have given up. The only thing that I can do now, is take her passwords and monitor it as much as possible.

I guess I keep seeking out advice, because I just really have never had to deal with people like this before and of course, my daughter says I am not fair....lol I am sure you have heard that line a million times.

Thanks for responding. You have been really helpful with this matter...

Reply

I have delt with a very similar situation with mine. My answer; she is only looking to get hurt and there are PLENTY of other kids to be friends with.

Reply

Oh and i would of DEFINETELY called the police about what she did and showed them that footage. That girl needs to learn some responsibility and have some consequences for her actions.

Reply

I know, I should have, that was my only mistake that I made. My daughter begged and pleaded with me not to get the police involved. She said that everyone at school would make things worse. I was silly and listened.

Thanks for your response on this. I will definitively follow my gut this time and NOT let it happen. I guess I was just looking for a more valid reason to tell my daughter. She threw in my face the other night that I told her that it was divine to forgive.....UGH

Reply

Oy! I can sooooo relate to the teenage drama! My 16 y.o. "B." has had the same best friend since sixth grade. Sweet, smart girl and I totally thought I was going to be able to avoid all the drama I went through with her older brother. Then, all of a sudden this school year, she starts hanging out with this other girl. Oh, this girl is such a bad influence! Now, B's totally different. Her attitude, her style, everything. I am certain it is the bad influence of this girl even though B. denies it. Well, I had the same dilemma about whether or not I should choose her friends. I wanted to trust her to make good choice so I did let her hang out with this other girl. She lied about where she was going, she missed her curfew, & she was totally ride and disrespectful to me. That confirmed to me that I should go with my gut. Now B. isn't allowed to hang out with her. I know they still see each other at school (nothing I can really do about that unfortunately), but she is not allowed to see her outside of school. As for the Facebook, ugh! I hear ya. I made her "friend" me so I could monitor what goes on, but it sounds like you are already doing that. Hang in there...anyone with a teenager can definitely relate!
P.S. One thing I did do was talk to the school counselor about the girls. This way while I can't keep them apart at school at least I know the counselor is aware of the situation. Good luck!

Reply

big fat NO!! my mdd has a hard time with friends, but she seems to attract loser friends instead (she is 11 almost 12) I found by letting her take activities not related to school is working out better, she has made better friends (like normal ones) its the ones at school that I'm not keen on. Does your dd go to highschool next year. My 13 yr old is going to highschool in september and is going to another school, just so she can get away from the losers in her class. She's a good kid, and she doesn't have a problem with the kids, its the fact that alot of the kids have poor attitudes and are spoiled rotten teens that bug her, she's a serious kid, she can't wait.

I can see this girl, trying to make amends and then stabbing her in the back, like a joke. Your dd is going to get hurt, I can see it coming. And why does she want to be involved with your dd again sorry I just don't buy it. Oh my girls both have facebook, and I'm their friend so I can have my say too on line.

Reply

I think you need to go back to the root of this issue and find out why it is that your dd WANTS to be friends with someone who treats her so poorly.

That would be the first thing I would address. Once you find that out, the rest should be a bit easier.

It is much like little kids....there is a reason behind each and every one of their actions. You need to find out why she feels the need to put herself in this position.

Is she striving for acceptance from her peers? If so, she needs to be talked to about positive and negative accpetance. True friends and people who use you.

Is she rebelling against you or her father? Is she viewing this other girl as someone she looks up to? SOmeone she respects or wants to be associated with?

Anyways, my point being, there has to be a reason WHY your dd even wants to rekindle this relationship and that reason is what I think is the key to solving/addressing this issue.

Reply

I did address that from the very start. TOld here that I could not allow for her to be freinds with this girl, because she clearly was not a good person and that she needed to learn to make good choices in those she has a relationship with. Both male and female.

I told her look at your aunt who chose a bad person to be her husband. Her parents (its my SIL BTW) did not teach her to make healthy choices as a child and she keeps on choosing people who are not a good for her.

My daughter is not rebelling from us, but I do see that she wants to be accepted by all of her peers. See my daughter and this girl never went to the same school before. The other girl went to private school, but mommy ran out of money and had to send her to public school. My daughter is very social and had a lot of friends at school, she always seemed very happy in her social life. This was up until her BF started the public school with her. I knew that there was going to be problems, but I never saw this coming.

The ex BF became friends with a lot of my daughters friends and so my daughter misses all of her old friends. They still hang out from time to time, but not like they used to, becasue the ex BF is always there.

I have tried asking my daughter why she would want to be friends with such a horrible girl who has done things like taht to her and she says that her friend has said sorry and my daughter wants to move on. But the ex BF and the mother have never apologized to me and I don't think they ever will. I tried to tell my daughter that you can't just welcome someone back with open arms and that trust is something that is built and gained. But at age 13, I don't think she quite understand it all.

Reply

Please don't take this wrong but sometimes you have to allow them (your kids) to find things out the hard way. If she is insisting on being friends with this girl then I guess that should be up to her. If she is willing to accept an apology from her and move on, then she should.

Even if you know it isn't going to turn out well.....that is the hardest part of parenting. When you have to allow your child to learn the hard way.

I, personally would set some boundaries though and not allow this girl to be in your home or on your property. I would not allow my dd to go to her hous either but what they do in school is up to them I guess.

If you force the issue, your dd is going to become angry and defiant about it and just sneak around instead. I would be open and honest with her and tell her that although you do not support her decision to forgive and forget, you have to allow her to make her own choices.

When the time comes that this girl wrongs your dd again, you will have to help her through it without ever muttering "I told you so" and know that deep down inside, your dd will have learned a very hard lesson that will help her grow up to be the type of woman who does not allow others to treat her badly.....kwim?

I know you want to make it all better and do what you think is best for her, but this is the time in her life where you have ot let go a little bit and allow her to experience real life. You can still monitor everything and make sure it never gets out of hand as it did before but in a way, you really do have to let her deal and choose for herself.

These are the kinds of things that make us who we are as adults.

Reply

This is pretty much where we are now. I don't allow for this girl to come to my house or vice verse. I don't go out of my way to help the relationship in any way. I told her that she can be friends with her at school and that is her choice, but because this child or mother has not come to me to apologize for what they did to me, I won't allow them in my life. Lying, stealing, and adults throwing tantrums are not ok in my book and this is what they did. I blame the parent just as much as the child, because the parent refused to make her daughter do the right thing. Return the items and say sorry.

My daughter can't sneak around with the freinds she has now, as the parents of the girls are much like me. they have 100% supervision.

I also don't care if my daughter wants to do group activities with this girl there, but again I won't go out of my way to help them go to the movies and etc.

See before, this BF used to spend the night at our house for night, days and weeks with us because mom was always out chasing men. My daughter wants the relationship to go back like this.

Am I being to stubborn to not give in and give this family another chance? BTW this is not the first time silly drama like this went down and the main reason I am being so strict about it.

Reply

"Am I being to stubborn to not give in and give this family another chance? BTW this is not the first time silly drama like this went down and the main reason I am being so strict about it. "

Nope, I don't think you are being wrong at all for not giving them another chance. After all, you already learned your lesson.

Now it is your DD's turn. Just be waiting with open arms and lots of love and support for when it does happen because you already know it will.

I would be doing the same thing in your shoes.

Reply

thanks for the advice and support. I never thought teenage girls would be so much work...lol Lets just say I really have my work cut out for me with my daughter. She is a really good girl, but she is also a teenager with out of control emotions..lol

It's almost like she is 2years old again when she hits her time of the month...lol if only she knew I was telling everyone this I am certain she would just die.

again thank you for the advice. I am happy to have you

Reply

I don't think you did hear her........

your house, your rules.... no facebook. Your not the only one that tells their 14 year old they can't have facebook. Yeap I am the worst mother in the world. Ok so I am....... I know better then that

You have tons of red flaggs flying about this girl and her family.......don't allow your daughter. Your the parent. It's ok to say no. Find new friends Emily. You can't control what goes on in school and having a friendship in school......fine...you would want her to behave nice to all people anyhow. Outside of school.......no way. Your daughter is not going to like it......but your advocating for her and someday she will appreciate it. Right now she just wants to hate you for everything. Don't stop being her parent. When she is at Dad's you can't control- unless you both have a good relationship and can work together for what is best for your child. Your house, your rules. She is going to look up to you for standing up for her when she couldn't do it on her own

Your daughter should not be telling you if you should involve the police or not............again your the parent. Sorry Emily but that is my car and I am not having that- I don't live that way and am not going to put up with that.

Emily is going to learn a lot here.......you put up safe boundries for her no matter what! Hope Emily is not your daughters name......

Best-

Reply

thanks for responding....
My ex and I do have a great relationship, he's one of my best friends, BUT we don't always see eye to eye on everything and unfortunately FB is one of them. The only reason I stopped fighting it, is because my ex lives overseas and he and her use facebook to load videos and pictures to all the time to share. He is on her FB and I now have the pass words to it. I go on it at least one time a day to look at it. My sister and cousins are also on it too and keep her in check. I have to pick and choose my battles and I already tired fighting that one and it was a never ending battle when I would take it away and my EX would give it back.

I know that it's ok to tell my daughter NO, trust me, I hear I hate you at least twice a month. When she says that to me, I tell her if you hate me that means I am doing my job as your parent. I am your parent, not your friend.

I think what I was having the hard time with is that I teach my children that we must learn to forgive. That we hold ourselves hostage to those we can't forgive. I can't forgive this family and even if they did apolgize to me, I don't think I would trust them ever again.

Like Blackcat said, sometimes you can talk to them until they are blue in the face and your words will mean nothing. You will have to let them fail on their own and just be there for them when it all comes crashing down.

As said in my previous post, I don't plan to go out of my way to let my daughter be friends with this girl, but I can't stop her from being friends with her at school.

Oh an no my daughter's name is not Emily, but that is a lovely name.....

Reply