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  #1  
Old 04-05-2011, 07:59 PM
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Default What Would You Have Said To This Parent?

This happened several years ago but I just remembered it today. I am curious what you all think about this parenting scenario. This family was terminated not long after this discussion because kiddo was getting out of control with demands and crying and even having a full time assistant was not enough for her. Okay so the basic conversation was that the parents said that they did not use the word "no" at home and did not want us to tell their child "no". We could set boundaries for her but not use the word "no" because they did not want her to be able to say no to them. They had no replacement word for no in their home and were not supportive of any of the routine or structure that we had in place at the daycare. It was just a really confusing scenario because they were super nice, very professional hard working people, very traditional and "all American". They said they just didn't want to use the word no but their actions showed that they were not willing to say or show no in any way. So all that to say, what would you have told a parent who specifically ask that you not use the word no? they said they would be supportive of us using a replacement word or setting boundaries by our actions, it was just the actual word they had a problem with. In addition, we were given "permission" (ha ha!) to use no with the other children, just not theirs. As if their child would never learn the word unless it was said specifically to her.

I saw this little girl about a year later when I was running errands. The dad talked for a bit but the mom was totally rude to me. The little girl was equally snobby and rude so apparently the princess was still in charge in the household. The mom didn't want to admit that she was pregnant even though she was huge (probably not far from delivering) and that was even weirder.
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Old 04-05-2011, 08:14 PM
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Interesting because just last month I was pulling my hair out from a little girl always telling me "NO" when she was asked to do something or not to do something. I mulled it over, asked others what to do (choose your battles was told to me enough) but she said no for everything-from sharing to safety issues. Then I had another little one starting because of her and finally a third. It was making me miserable! So the solution I came up with instead of saying NO is I now just will say "Please don't do that" or "That is something that isn't allowed" or "Childs Name we need to be nice to our friends". For the last couple of weeks I haven't had a child tell me no! It has been wonderul. Also, I have changed our time out spot to a quiet spot. I have just started telling the little ones that they need to go to the quiet spot for awhile and I will let them know when they come out. Has worked like a charm as I think they were tired of hearing you need a time-out. Also the tattling is becoming another problem so I'm thinking of telling them to go tell "the cat", "the pig", "the bird", etc. We have none of those animals around but I figure they will go off looking for them and by the time they realize there isn't one they will have forgotten what they were tattling about!
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Old 04-05-2011, 08:34 PM
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I actually had this exact same scenario with a family which I still have. I was also asked not to use the word no for the same reasons that your family told you. I didn't want to fuss about it so I agreed and simply used "uh-uh-uh" as a replacement when I simply wanted to say no and "danger" when it was a safety issue. I still do it out of habit more than anything (I've even caught myself saying it to my dogs lol). It wasn't a big deal for me but I notice that this mom sort of believes that she can keep her son in a protected bubble. Can't watch certain shows and movies for example Tangled was a no-no because lady had a knife and stabbed the guy but Alpha & Omega was ok even though wildlife officer shot the wolf with a tranquilizer gun (how a 1 yr old can tell the difference between a real gun and a tranquilizer I will never know). She also doesn't allow anyone to call her son by a nickname and claims that there is no nickname for her sons name which is why she named him that, which obviously there is or she wouldn't have to request I not use or allow the kids to use a nickname (even though she calls me, my fiancÚ, a few of the other DC kids and my BIL by our nicknames). I don't understand her logic.
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Old 04-06-2011, 02:11 AM
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I wrote about this in this blog:

http://daycare.com/nannyde/ah-kids-these-days-2.htm
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Old 04-06-2011, 02:26 AM
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I interviewed a family that didn't want me to ever say no. My daycare is in my basement and the Dad wanted to Mom to be able to stay upstairs the whole time the girl was here. I was upfront with them and told them neither one of those things would work for me because I don't let parents stay here and I do use no when needed.

It it stuns me the way parents let their children control everything. I sometimes wonder how these kids are ever going to become a productive member of society.
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Old 04-06-2011, 04:36 AM
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Originally Posted by morgan24 View Post
It it stuns me the way parents let their children control everything. I sometimes wonder how these kids are ever going to become a productive member of society
These kids grow up with having a wild case of the "gimmies" and a great sense of entitlement.

BIG surprises ahead of them!

I do like the suggestions for tattling and quiet time spot. I also use no when needed but usually its something that I see them doing and it comes out with a big fat NO!! yelled to get them to instantly stop exactly what they are doing. I hardly do that so it startles the crap out of the kids. They know though for the most part. One of my stares is usually enough to make them re-think what they are doing.
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Old 04-06-2011, 04:56 AM
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Originally Posted by morgan24 View Post
I interviewed a family that didn't want me to ever say no. My daycare is in my basement and the Dad wanted to Mom to be able to stay upstairs the whole time the girl was here. I was upfront with them and told them neither one of those things would work for me because I don't let parents stay here and I do use no when needed.

It it stuns me the way parents let their children control everything. I sometimes wonder how these kids are ever going to become a productive member of society.
Dad wanted to Mom to be able to stay upstairs the whole time the girl was here

Oh now that's a new one. Haven't heard that before. What... pray tell.. was she to do all day upstairs? Work at "home" job?
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Old 04-06-2011, 05:03 AM
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Dad wanted to Mom to be able to stay upstairs the whole time the girl was here

Oh now that's a new one. Haven't heard that before. What... pray tell.. was she to do all day upstairs? Work at "home" job?
Id want to say "sure, and heres a broom and pan, the vacuum, sponges, cleaning solution and all my laundry for the week. Fill out all my paper work for the state/taxes, prepare the meals for us and answer my phones. No you cant interfere with my business and no the remotes dont work."
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Old 04-06-2011, 05:07 AM
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It drives me nuts to see how parents let their children walk all over them. I have had so many situations where I have had to step in and take over where a parent just seemed to give up.....
Just a few of the things I've heard...

DCD talking about 2 year old girl: "Sorry! I know you don't allow gum at day care, but she insisted". (I wonder what he'll do when she "insists" on taking the car when she's 16?)

DCM: "Sorry about the noise (blood-curdling screams at 6AM)...he wouldn't get out of the car without a donut." (You're bigger than him, Mommy. Unstrap and him and carry him in here...WITHOUT the donut!)

DCM: "I know the blanket is dirty...but he won't let me wash it" (Really?!)

I grabbed a tissue and told the gum-chewer to spit. She did.

I told the donut screamer that if he screamed in the morning, he'd get a time-out as soon as he got inside the door...every morning he did it. He only tried it once.

As soon as Mom left, I told the dirty blanket boy that I was going to wash his blanket...it was dirty. He said "K" and walked off.

It's not rocket science....but parents just seem to be scared of their own kids....and the kids know it.
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Old 04-06-2011, 05:15 AM
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when my kids where little, I always told them that I was the parent and that I was bigger and stronger than them, so I didn't put up with their nonsense. But now, my 13 yr old is a head taller than me and I'm afraid of her, luckily she's good so I don't need to worry.
I also don't use the word no alot, but I do use it. who ever heard of not using the word no. Can you imagine when they go to work or have relationships, these children are going to grow up thinking the world is their oyster and everything is handed to them on a silver plater.
I also find that parents are either afraid of making their children mad or just don't want to parent anymore or they want to be their childrens friends, none of those will ever work.
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Old 04-06-2011, 05:16 AM
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Thank you nanny (and others). I have remained fairly firm in traditional style parenting and providing and am glad I stood my ground when these parents asked for this. I really don't have time to waste trying to get a kid to behave without being firm and authoritative if needed. I think the best thing you can tell your kid is no sometimes. They need a lot more than just attention and hugs and cuddles and it is getting harder and harder to find parents that approach parenting this way. I was shocked to hear this from this particular family because the dad was a farmer's son! Very far from how he himself was raised.
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Old 04-06-2011, 05:16 AM
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What parents don't seem to understand is that the whole world is one, great, big NO! NO speeding, NO jaywalking, NO stealing, NO fighting, NO, NO, NO!

If they aren't going to learn it when they are 2, 3, 4 or 5, when are they going to learn it?!
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Old 04-06-2011, 06:37 AM
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It's not rocket science....but parents just seem to be scared of their own kids....and the kids know it.
This is so true!
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Old 04-06-2011, 08:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Meeko60 View Post
DCD talking about 2 year old girl: "Sorry! I know you don't allow gum at day care, but she insisted". (I wonder what he'll do when she "insists" on taking the car when she's 16?)

DCM: "Sorry about the noise (blood-curdling screams at 6AM)...he wouldn't get out of the car without a donut." (You're bigger than him, Mommy. Unstrap and him and carry him in here...WITHOUT the donut!)

DCM: "I know the blanket is dirty...but he won't let me wash it" (Really?!)

I grabbed a tissue and told the gum-chewer to spit. She did.

I told the donut screamer that if he screamed in the morning, he'd get a time-out as soon as he got inside the door...every morning he did it. He only tried it once.


As soon as Mom left, I told the dirty blanket boy that I was going to wash his blanket...it was dirty. He said "K" and walked off.


It's not rocket science....but parents just seem to be scared of their own kids....and the kids know it.

Only thing I would have added was to take the donut and hand it to the parent. I would have handed the blanket to the parent and said, now you can wash it today while he is in care

Also any child that couldn't be told NO wouldn't be allowed in my care. I want no part of raising a brat.

Last edited by SandeeAR; 04-06-2011 at 08:02 AM. Reason: typo
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Old 04-06-2011, 08:06 AM
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If I were to interview a family who told me what OP said, then I would have said "No, I am not accepting your child into my program."

I may have included a copy of David Walsh's book "No: Why Kids of All Ages Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It."
http://www.amazon.com/No-Kids-Ages-N...2105564&sr=1-1
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Old 04-06-2011, 08:07 AM
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I would have told the parent "No."
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Old 04-06-2011, 08:49 AM
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I would have told the parent "No."
LOL, this was my first thought.
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Old 04-06-2011, 09:07 AM
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The thing that gets me about parents who think this is okay to even ASK of you... is that they think they have come up with some new or unique style of parenting for their child. It's so silly. Not saying the word isn't the real core issue. They want the one to one that comes with dancing around the NO. They want their kid to have choices. They want the adult to do the mental gymnastics it takes to make the kid feel like they won when they are denied something.

They also don't think about multiplying this into the care of their child's age mates. When she is a teenager and she is dating a boy... when he tries to have his way with her... how is HE supposed to take her NO? If they raise her to not receive a NO then they must accomodate the other children who do wrong by her when she gives them a NO. Is that going to be okay with them?

Is she going to have the skill set to do what they are asking you to do? It's impossible for an adult to do it.. .how is she to do it as she gets older?

When it's all said and done there will be an end game. An end game that doesn't make sense to a child who wants what they want and doesn't have the life experience to know what is safe, dangerous, morally right, fair, reasonable.

Most of us use the NO as the end game. Trying to dance around it and fool the child into thinking that they didn't really get one OR compensating for the NO by giving them some yes to make them feel in control is something that the teenage boy isn't going to accept when he wants what he wants.

They need to look at the future and put her into the position of the one who can't say NO and see if they really believe she will be able to do that ever in her life and be happy and safe.

The key to managing this is to tell the parents you won't attempt to not say no to her but you are willing to inforce that SHE doesn't say no to the adults OR the other kids. If they believe in this idea then let's start with their child being the first one who can't say no... and we will see how that goes first.
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Old 04-06-2011, 09:21 AM
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Originally Posted by nannyde View Post
The thing that gets me about parents who think this is okay to even ASK of you... is that they think they have come up with some new or unique style of parenting for their child. It's so silly. Not saying the word isn't the real core issue. They want the one to one that comes with dancing around the NO. They want their kid to have choices. They want the adult to do the mental gymnastics it takes to make the kid feel like they won when they are denied something.

They also don't think about multiplying this into the care of their child's age mates. When she is a teenager and she is dating a boy... when he tries to have his way with her... how is HE supposed to take her NO? If they raise her to not receive a NO then they must accomodate the other children who do wrong by her when she gives them a NO. Is that going to be okay with them?

Is she going to have the skill set to do what they are asking you to do? It's impossible for an adult to do it.. .how is she to do it as she gets older?

When it's all said and done there will be an end game. An end game that doesn't make sense to a child who wants what they want and doesn't have the life experience to know what is safe, dangerous, morally right, fair, reasonable.

Most of us use the NO as the end game. Trying to dance around it and fool the child into thinking that they didn't really get one OR compensating for the NO by giving them some yes to make them feel in control is something that the teenage boy isn't going to accept when he wants what he wants.

They need to look at the future and put her into the position of the one who can't say NO and see if they really believe she will be able to do that ever in her life and be happy and safe.

The key to managing this is to tell the parents you won't attempt to not say no to her but you are willing to inforce that SHE doesn't say no to the adults OR the other kids. If they believe in this idea then let's start with their child being the first one who can't say no... and we will see how that goes first.
Exactly! The thing was really about the parents not having the guts to tell their kid no and not wanting anyone else to either. This child did not speak at all yet so why this was even brought up is pretty ridiculous.
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Old 04-06-2011, 09:23 AM
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I tell my own daughter no. In fact, it goes like this:

DD: Mom, can I have ice cream before dinner?
ME: No honey. Of course not. Eat your dinner first.
DD: PLEASE?!?!?!
ME: You already asked me once. If you thought you didn't like my answer that time, you REALLY won't like it the second time around. Now what were you saying?
DD: The broccoli is soo yummy! Can I have seconds?

(Bad example, but the jist is there.)
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Old 04-06-2011, 09:24 AM
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Originally Posted by Meeko60 View Post
It drives me nuts to see how parents let their children walk all over them. I have had so many situations where I have had to step in and take over where a parent just seemed to give up.....
Just a few of the things I've heard...

DCD talking about 2 year old girl: "Sorry! I know you don't allow gum at day care, but she insisted". (I wonder what he'll do when she "insists" on taking the car when she's 16?)

DCM: "Sorry about the noise (blood-curdling screams at 6AM)...he wouldn't get out of the car without a donut." (You're bigger than him, Mommy. Unstrap and him and carry him in here...WITHOUT the donut!)

DCM: "I know the blanket is dirty...but he won't let me wash it" (Really?!)

I grabbed a tissue and told the gum-chewer to spit. She did.

I told the donut screamer that if he screamed in the morning, he'd get a time-out as soon as he got inside the door...every morning he did it. He only tried it once.

As soon as Mom left, I told the dirty blanket boy that I was going to wash his blanket...it was dirty. He said "K" and walked off.

It's not rocket science....but parents just seem to be scared of their own kids....and the kids know it.
This is my BIGGEST problem - parents just refuse to take responsibility! I have one that tells me daily, "She didn't want to... (wear a coat, put her shoes on, eat, etc.) but I am supposed to deal with it when then come into care. Amazing that I never seem to have these issues with these same kids. Parents are being lead around by their children and it is completely frustrating! I haven't grown my backbone yet, so I simply deal with it and grind my teeth in frustration.
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Old 04-06-2011, 09:28 AM
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Originally Posted by nannyde View Post
The thing that gets me about parents who think this is okay to even ASK of you... is that they think they have come up with some new or unique style of parenting for their child. It's so silly. Not saying the word isn't the real core issue. They want the one to one that comes with dancing around the NO. They want their kid to have choices. They want the adult to do the mental gymnastics it takes to make the kid feel like they won when they are denied something.

They also don't think about multiplying this into the care of their child's age mates. When she is a teenager and she is dating a boy... when he tries to have his way with her... how is HE supposed to take her NO? If they raise her to not receive a NO then they must accomodate the other children who do wrong by her when she gives them a NO. Is that going to be okay with them?

Is she going to have the skill set to do what they are asking you to do? It's impossible for an adult to do it.. .how is she to do it as she gets older?

When it's all said and done there will be an end game. An end game that doesn't make sense to a child who wants what they want and doesn't have the life experience to know what is safe, dangerous, morally right, fair, reasonable.

Most of us use the NO as the end game. Trying to dance around it and fool the child into thinking that they didn't really get one OR compensating for the NO by giving them some yes to make them feel in control is something that the teenage boy isn't going to accept when he wants what he wants.

They need to look at the future and put her into the position of the one who can't say NO and see if they really believe she will be able to do that ever in her life and be happy and safe.

The key to managing this is to tell the parents you won't attempt to not say no to her but you are willing to inforce that SHE doesn't say no to the adults OR the other kids. If they believe in this idea then let's start with their child being the first one who can't say no... and we will see how that goes first.
Very well said...especially the part about looking to the future and the consequences of raising a child who can't/won't say NO.

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Originally Posted by missnikki View Post
I tell my own daughter no. In fact, it goes like this:

DD: Mom, can I have ice cream before dinner?
ME: No honey. Of course not. Eat your dinner first.
DD: PLEASE?!?!?!
ME: You already asked me once. If you thought you didn't like my answer that time, you REALLY won't like it the second time around. Now what were you saying?
DD: The broccoli is soo yummy! Can I have seconds?

(Bad example, but the jist is there.)
I tell my DD no, as well...and you know what? She's allowed to say no to me, too, and any other grown-up. Some kinds of no's are normal for the age, and we work around it. Others are perfectly legitimate and I respect them, and expect other adults to respect them as well. Things that affect her body directly are usually the case here, such as when she says NO to kisses, or hugs, or things like that.

My MIL made a big stink at Christmas because DD didn't want to hug her. My DH, good man, stood up for DD and made MIL respect DD's wish to not be touched. MIL flipped out and yelled at DH that "you can't let her walk all over you like that" and "you can't let her do that" and "you're spoiling her" and "you should MAKE her hug me". DH stood his ground--"If she doesn't want a hug, then you respect that and you don't hug her. She'll hug you when and if she's ready."

She knows that we respect her space...and she's going to grow up understanding that if she doesn't want someone to touch her, she has the right to say NO.
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Old 04-06-2011, 11:36 AM
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I watched a relative's child years ago and automatically said "No" to something she did and she burst into tears. I had no idea what was going on. Later they told me that they only used the word "No" if it was something dangerous.

Whatever.

She's an adult now and got pregnant in College. I guess she never learned to say "No".

Edit: Oh gosh - just read NannyDe's response: "They also don't think about multiplying this into the care of their child's age mates. When she is a teenager and she is dating a boy... when he tries to have his way with her... how is HE supposed to take her NO? If they raise her to not receive a NO then they must accomodate the other children who do wrong by her when she gives them a NO. Is that going to be okay with them? "

Uh Huh! Read my bolded text.
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Old 04-06-2011, 11:44 AM
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Interesting because just last month I was pulling my hair out from a little girl always telling me "NO" when she was asked to do something or not to do something. I mulled it over, asked others what to do (choose your battles was told to me enough) but she said no for everything-from sharing to safety issues. Then I had another little one starting because of her and finally a third. It was making me miserable! So the solution I came up with instead of saying NO is I now just will say "Please don't do that" or "That is something that isn't allowed" or "Childs Name we need to be nice to our friends". For the last couple of weeks I haven't had a child tell me no! It has been wonderul. Also, I have changed our time out spot to a quiet spot. I have just started telling the little ones that they need to go to the quiet spot for awhile and I will let them know when they come out. Has worked like a charm as I think they were tired of hearing you need a time-out. Also the tattling is becoming another problem so I'm thinking of telling them to go tell "the cat", "the pig", "the bird", etc. We have none of those animals around but I figure they will go off looking for them and by the time they realize there isn't one they will have forgotten what they were tattling about!
Yep I've said this before.... I had to do a "exercise" of not saying no for 1 week, or if I did say no, I had to follow it with a reason why. The word NO alone should be a safety word, and when it's used too often, it loses it's value. So if kid is about to run in street and you yell NO, they are not going to stop cold, as they would if the word was only reserved for safety reasons. It's not NEVER saying no, it's simply not overusing the word, or abusing it essentially.
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Old 04-06-2011, 11:57 AM
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We use STOP as a safety word.

I have also taught my kids that they are not to tell me NO...not my daycare kids, not my own. I probably don't say it alot myself because I generally say things like, "we don't..." but regardless, I don't think a child should feel comfortable telling an adult NO and I don't think an adult should ever be hesitant to use that word either.

Also, I gotta say, I could say cupcake and the tone of my voice would stop them dead in their tracks if they were knowingly doing something wrong. Kids NOT old enough to understand tone, aren't ever put in situations where they could run out in the street or do something otherwise dangerous.

Life is FULL of NO's...just my opinion, but kids need to learn how to accept them and move forward.
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Old 04-06-2011, 12:00 PM
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Originally Posted by SilverSabre25 View Post
Very well said...especially the part about looking to the future and the consequences of raising a child who can't/won't say NO.



I tell my DD no, as well...and you know what? She's allowed to say no to me, too, and any other grown-up. Some kinds of no's are normal for the age, and we work around it. Others are perfectly legitimate and I respect them, and expect other adults to respect them as well. Things that affect her body directly are usually the case here, such as when she says NO to kisses, or hugs, or things like that.

My MIL made a big stink at Christmas because DD didn't want to hug her. My DH, good man, stood up for DD and made MIL respect DD's wish to not be touched. MIL flipped out and yelled at DH that "you can't let her walk all over you like that" and "you can't let her do that" and "you're spoiling her" and "you should MAKE her hug me". DH stood his ground--"If she doesn't want a hug, then you respect that and you don't hug her. She'll hug you when and if she's ready."

She knows that we respect her space...and she's going to grow up understanding that if she doesn't want someone to touch her, she has the right to say NO.
I do agree with you about children saying "No" to certain things, especially anything to do with her personal space/body. I was more thinking of when I say, "it's time to pick up toys" or other things along that line.
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Old 04-06-2011, 12:02 PM
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never mind!
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Old 04-06-2011, 12:30 PM
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Wouldn't you have loved to have been a fly on the wall when they went to Kindergarten orientation and told the new teacher....don't tell my little darling NO.
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Old 04-06-2011, 12:47 PM
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Wouldn't you have loved to have been a fly on the wall when they went to Kindergarten orientation and told the new teacher....don't tell my little darling NO.
Nah

They are so grateful to get free they won't be silly enough to try to ruin that. Once the adult caring for them is free the "no no goes out the window.
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Old 04-07-2011, 12:44 PM
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This happened several years ago but I just remembered it today. I am curious what you all think about this parenting scenario. This family was terminated not long after this discussion because kiddo was getting out of control with demands and crying and even having a full time assistant was not enough for her. Okay so the basic conversation was that the parents said that they did not use the word "no" at home and did not want us to tell their child "no". We could set boundaries for her but not use the word "no" because they did not want her to be able to say no to them. They had no replacement word for no in their home and were not supportive of any of the routine or structure that we had in place at the daycare. It was just a really confusing scenario because they were super nice, very professional hard working people, very traditional and "all American". They said they just didn't want to use the word no but their actions showed that they were not willing to say or show no in any way. So all that to say, what would you have told a parent who specifically ask that you not use the word no? they said they would be supportive of us using a replacement word or setting boundaries by our actions, it was just the actual word they had a problem with. In addition, we were given "permission" (ha ha!) to use no with the other children, just not theirs. As if their child would never learn the word unless it was said specifically to her.

I saw this little girl about a year later when I was running errands. The dad talked for a bit but the mom was totally rude to me. The little girl was equally snobby and rude so apparently the princess was still in charge in the household. The mom didn't want to admit that she was pregnant even though she was huge (probably not far from delivering) and that was even weirder.
Maybe she thought you would offer to watch her new baby. Then she would have to say "no" in front of her daughter. She chose to lie instead.
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Old 04-07-2011, 12:54 PM
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Maybe she thought you would offer to watch her new baby. Then she would have to say "no" in front of her daughter. She chose to lie instead.

ROFL!!!!
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Old 04-07-2011, 01:17 PM
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I have to be a voice of dissent here a bit. B/c I try not to say "No" too much to my kids. I say no in all kinds of other ways but I don't say the word no very much. The reason is b/c I believe and have seen and experienced that if you repeatedly say no then it can become something that a child tunes out.

I do not agree to everything they want or give in to everything that is for sure, I am strict with my own and with my daycare children. Much more strict than most of my friends or my children's friend's parents.

The parents that the OP spoke of probably read something somewhere about not over using the word "no" and then took it way way too far. Obviously giving in to what your child wants is a perfect way to set them up for failure in life.

Some of the ways I say no to kids without saying the word "no" are:

"We don't play that way"
"That's dangerous"
"Please stop"
"Put that down"
"I don't want you to do that because..."
"You are not allowed to say that because..."
"We absolutely never do that because..."
I also love quiet actions like just picking a child up and placing them in time out or taking a toy and placing it out of reach. Then I take the time to talk about what was going on. But the silent and calm action usually disarms them enough and they usually already knew they were doing something wrong anyway.

ETA: I have two older kids ages 17 and 12. They are polite and respectful, they do fabulous in school. My DD will be captain of her dance guard next year and has worked hard to achieve that and get her letterman's jacket. When my daycare clients meet my older kids they always seem more apt to leave their children with me. And my DD babysits most of my clients on weekends too. Just saying this b/c I don't think in all situations that not saying the word no will cause the children to be out of control. As long as you set limits and are consistant.
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Old 04-07-2011, 01:31 PM
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We use STOP as a safety word.

I have also taught my kids that they are not to tell me NO...not my daycare kids, not my own. I probably don't say it alot myself because I generally say things like, "we don't..." but regardless, I don't think a child should feel comfortable telling an adult NO and I don't think an adult should ever be hesitant to use that word either.

Also, I gotta say, I could say cupcake and the tone of my voice would stop them dead in their tracks if they were knowingly doing something wrong. Kids NOT old enough to understand tone, aren't ever put in situations where they could run out in the street or do something otherwise dangerous.

Life is FULL of NO's...just my opinion, but kids need to learn how to accept them and move forward.
How to you teach a strong headed daycare child not to tell you no. I found out when I stopped saying no she did also. It was like a power struggle thing with her-if you say no then I will tell you no. Like I had said earlier it could be No, DG we do not touch whatever and she would say no back to me in a way that meant she wasn't going to follow the instruction. It was everything from sharing to safety measures so I didn't feel picking battles was an option. Learning what I was saying was the only option.
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Old 04-07-2011, 01:43 PM
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I absolutely agree that there needs to be a balance of choosing your battles, redirecting if possible, giving a yes or "this or that" choice instead of no all the time BUT these parents were clearly saying that they did not want any limits for their child. They acted like it was just about the actual word no but it wasn't. That is what I have a problem with. I also have a problem with parents trying to tell me how to treat all the daycare kids (which they also tried to do). These were first time parents with no experience with children whatsoever. They have no idea what they are talking about.
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Old 04-07-2011, 02:20 PM
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I absolutely agree that there needs to be a balance of choosing your battles, redirecting if possible, giving a yes or "this or that" choice instead of no all the time BUT these parents were clearly saying that they did not want any limits for their child. They acted like it was just about the actual word no but it wasn't. That is what I have a problem with. I also have a problem with parents trying to tell me how to treat all the daycare kids (which they also tried to do). These were first time parents with no experience with children whatsoever. They have no idea what they are talking about.
That's just crazy! Not setting limits is setting you up for a terror child. And yeah, parents coming in to your house and your business and telling you how to run it? Yeah, they were crazy.
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Old 04-07-2011, 03:35 PM
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How to you teach a strong headed daycare child not to tell you no. I found out when I stopped saying no she did also. It was like a power struggle thing with her-if you say no then I will tell you no. Like I had said earlier it could be No, DG we do not touch whatever and she would say no back to me in a way that meant she wasn't going to follow the instruction. It was everything from sharing to safety measures so I didn't feel picking battles was an option. Learning what I was saying was the only option.
Well, like I said, I don't use the word alot, but I certainly use it. I would agree that if you over use it, it looses its meaning. The vast majority of my kids come to me as infants and stay until 1st grade, I have virtually no turnover. Since I have the luxury of long term relationships with my kids, they've been "Jen" trained almost since birth.

I don't use my ugly voice often, but when I do, they know I am serious. Telling me "no" will get you the ugly voice. I should probably clarify that I am not talking about toddlers who just use the word because its one of the few they actually know; I'm talking about preschoolers who are verbal enough to understand direction and understand that they've crossed a line.

If a toddler says it, I just ignore it...it's a phase

For example, one of my dcm was trying to get her 3.5 year old out the door, which is usually a chore. He was being belligerant and refusing to put his coat on. I bit my lip and said nothing, right up until he screamed NO! in her face and took a swipe at her.

Then he got the ugly voice. I got down on his level, took both his hands in mine and said (very sternly) We DO NOT talk to people like that in my house. Is that understood. (shakes his head yes) What do you need to do, RIGHT NOW? (looks at Mom and says sorry.) I then said, in still a stern voice, but not as stern. Get you coat on. It's time to go home. Don't let me ever hear you talk to your Mom like that again.

Kids can understand alot more than people give them credit for. Mom was grateful, kid has been an angel at pick up ever since. Now, I know some of you will think I'm a horrible jerk, but I've had the kid since birth. I would never do anything to "damage" him. He loves coming to daycare. His parents told me that when he is misbehaving in the morning they threaten him witm, "if you don't behave, then you can't go to Jen's today...." He straightens up in a heartbeat. Go figure.
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Old 04-07-2011, 03:40 PM
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I absolutely agree that there needs to be a balance of choosing your battles, redirecting if possible, giving a yes or "this or that" choice instead of no all the time BUT these parents were clearly saying that they did not want any limits for their child. They acted like it was just about the actual word no but it wasn't. That is what I have a problem with. I also have a problem with parents trying to tell me how to treat all the daycare kids (which they also tried to do). These were first time parents with no experience with children whatsoever. They have no idea what they are talking about.
They acted like it was just about the actual word no but it wasn't.

That's exactly right.

It's not about overusing or misusing the word no. It's not about creative ways to say no. It's not about changing up phrases so the don't get used to or tire of the phrase.

It's about not DENYING the child. It's about giving them a YES. It's about the kid getting what they want when they want it. It's about their kid not crying or being unhappy.

They want their child to rule. Everybody gets a "no" except the King. They are telling you they want the kid to be the King.
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Old 04-07-2011, 04:13 PM
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ugh. I try to use "stop please" as much as possible, but REALLY! no wonder this child was the way he was. I had a family at one point where there were not really any rules at home--I had to terminate them...
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