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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Dealing With Parents
Ariana 04:53 PM 06-07-2011
I'm new here and stumbled upon this site while googling for help with my situation! I would appreciate any advice that you might have.
I've been taking care of 2 children aged 2.5 and 5 years since January and the kids are part-time and are sisters. I am finding that the mom is very negligent with her children and it's really stressing me out. They frequently come with unbrushed hair, innapropriate clothes for the weather, clothes that are too small and in general they look very unkempt. The 5 year old wears high heels (and we go to the park every day!). I told the mother that one of the girls has a phlegmy cough and she immediately suspected my poodle and now gives her Claritin every day and didn't even have her tested by an allergist. I told her that it's not the dog because it comes and goes and seems to be worse after her 4 days at home with her. Obviously she ignored me and chose Claritin instead. This is just a small list of my issues I have with her. They're not poor and both parents work, they live in a big house with a fancy car.
How do you let go and not be angry with the mom or try to solve the kids problems? I care a lot about these kids and can't stand that I seem to care more than she does. I always have to redress them and comb their hair etc. but should I be doing that? is that my job as a DCP?
I've been taking care of 2 children aged 2.5 and 5 years since January and the kids are part-time and are sisters. I am finding that the mom is very negligent with her children and it's really stressing me out. They frequently come with unbrushed hair, innapropriate clothes for the weather, clothes that are too small and in general they look very unkempt. The 5 year old wears high heels (and we go to the park every day!). I told the mother that one of the girls has a phlegmy cough and she immediately suspected my poodle and now gives her Claritin every day and didn't even have her tested by an allergist. I told her that it's not the dog because it comes and goes and seems to be worse after her 4 days at home with her. Obviously she ignored me and chose Claritin instead. This is just a small list of my issues I have with her. They're not poor and both parents work, they live in a big house with a fancy car.
How do you let go and not be angry with the mom or try to solve the kids problems? I care a lot about these kids and can't stand that I seem to care more than she does. I always have to redress them and comb their hair etc. but should I be doing that? is that my job as a DCP?
wdmmom 05:04 PM 06-07-2011
No, you shouldn't be doing that and no, it's not your job as a provider.
I have it specifically documented in my handbook that children must come in ready for the day...bathed, teeth brushed, hair combed and dressed appropriately including shoes.
It sounds like you have a few different situations going on. It's best to address one at a time.
Tell DCM that the children must be ready for the day...meaning dressed appropriately, hair combed, etc. More than likely you will see this change for the first week then everything will go back to the same. Parents find it easier to drag their kids out of bed and go in the morning. The less interaction, the better. I would just tell DCM that you go on outings daily and that the children need to in appropriate shoes. That's probably the only fight you will win with that whole ordeal.
The phlegmy type cough and suspected allergies to your dog...probably not something I would worry about...unless she's coughing on everything or other symptoms accompany it. If they do, request they take her to the doctor and tell DCM that you will need a note stating the child's diagnosis and before she can return to daycare.
If after talking to the family you don't see any changes, it may be best to terminate services.
I have it specifically documented in my handbook that children must come in ready for the day...bathed, teeth brushed, hair combed and dressed appropriately including shoes.
It sounds like you have a few different situations going on. It's best to address one at a time.
Tell DCM that the children must be ready for the day...meaning dressed appropriately, hair combed, etc. More than likely you will see this change for the first week then everything will go back to the same. Parents find it easier to drag their kids out of bed and go in the morning. The less interaction, the better. I would just tell DCM that you go on outings daily and that the children need to in appropriate shoes. That's probably the only fight you will win with that whole ordeal.
The phlegmy type cough and suspected allergies to your dog...probably not something I would worry about...unless she's coughing on everything or other symptoms accompany it. If they do, request they take her to the doctor and tell DCM that you will need a note stating the child's diagnosis and before she can return to daycare.
If after talking to the family you don't see any changes, it may be best to terminate services.
Michael 05:21 PM 06-07-2011
Welcome to the forum Ariana!
Ariana 05:49 PM 06-07-2011
wdmmom I have it written in my contract that the children be dressed ready for play and then specifics as to type of clothes etc. Then when summer came I sent a note home reiterating what needed to come with them like sun hats and sunscreen. It took her 3 weeks to provide sunhats and sunscreen!! I had to use my own daughters hats and our sunscreen because I felt bad letting them go out without it.
I had this same problem with another parent and let her go within my 6 wk "trial period". I'm beginning to wonder if all parent are like this? I hate constantly reminding parents how to be parents kwim?
I had this same problem with another parent and let her go within my 6 wk "trial period". I'm beginning to wonder if all parent are like this? I hate constantly reminding parents how to be parents kwim?
Ariana 05:59 PM 06-07-2011
Originally Posted by Michael:
Welcome to the forum Ariana!
Thanks Michael Welcome to the forum Ariana!
Mike Lassiter 07:00 PM 06-07-2011
Originally Posted by Ariana:
wdmmom I have it written in my contract that the children be dressed ready for play and then specifics as to type of clothes etc. Then when summer came I sent a note home reiterating what needed to come with them like sun hats and sunscreen. It took her 3 weeks to provide sunhats and sunscreen!! I had to use my own daughters hats and our sunscreen because I felt bad letting them go out without it.
I had this same problem with another parent and let her go within my 6 wk "trial period". I'm beginning to woonder if all parent are like this? I hate constantly reminding parents how to be parents kwim?
Keep in mind that many parents don't know how to be parents. Many of today's parents where spoiled as kids by their "parents" who also where not parents. Most of you know parents give into their kids to keep from having to deal with the monsters they create. It is so much easier to be their buddy and allow them to do as they please. Then they become grownups that don't have the life skills they need to survive and prosper own their own. They think being the parent is letting their kids do like they got to as kids. It's the only thing they know because that was how they were raised.wdmmom I have it written in my contract that the children be dressed ready for play and then specifics as to type of clothes etc. Then when summer came I sent a note home reiterating what needed to come with them like sun hats and sunscreen. It took her 3 weeks to provide sunhats and sunscreen!! I had to use my own daughters hats and our sunscreen because I felt bad letting them go out without it.
I had this same problem with another parent and let her go within my 6 wk "trial period". I'm beginning to woonder if all parent are like this? I hate constantly reminding parents how to be parents kwim?
Struggles with finances and managing their business was also how their parents lived - so they think everything is ok. Living just like mom and dad. Now, mom and dad would do different if they could do over because NOW they have had years to see what they did wrong or didn't do at all.
IMO, if parents would be parents and teach their children the things they need to know in order to make their way into the world many things that are problems would go away.
You need to teach children respect, fear of consequences for lack of respect. How to keep their house in order (cleaning,cooking,washing,taking care of what they have) how to love and be a family, how to manage money, how to save money, to learn a skill that someone will pay you for to allow you to live a comfortable life style.
I've left out much, but typing on cell phone and going blind trying to read this.
wdmmom 07:16 PM 06-07-2011
I would issue all reminders...verbally and in writing on Mondays and tell them that you expect to have the items or for them to comply by Friday. No exceptions. (Make a little note and give it to them at pick up on Mondays. That gives them 3 days to fall into line or fall out and stay home.)
If they bring their children to you in high heels, tell the parent dropping off that they aren't dressed appropriately for a walk to the park and either they'll cough up other shoes or they can go back home to get them. Turn them away at the door once and I guarantee either they won't come back or they will follow your rules.
Time to see what your backbone is made of.
If they bring their children to you in high heels, tell the parent dropping off that they aren't dressed appropriately for a walk to the park and either they'll cough up other shoes or they can go back home to get them. Turn them away at the door once and I guarantee either they won't come back or they will follow your rules.
Time to see what your backbone is made of.
countrymom 03:38 AM 06-08-2011
Originally Posted by Mike Lassiter:
Keep in mind that many parents don't know how to be parents. Many of today's parents where spoiled as kids by their "parents" who also where not parents. Most of you know parents give into their kids to keep from having to deal with the monsters they create. It is so much easier to be their buddy and allow them to do as they please. Then they become grownups that don't have the life skills they need to survive and prosper own their own. They think being the parent is letting their kids do like they got to as kids. It's the only thing they know because that was how they were raised.
Struggles with finances and managing their business was also how their parents lived - so they think everything is ok. Living just like mom and dad. Now, mom and dad would do different if they could do over because NOW they have had years to see what they did wrong or didn't do at all.
IMO, if parents would be parents and teach their children the things they need to know in order to make their way into the world many things that are problems would go away.
You need to teach children respect, fear of consequences for lack of respect. How to keep their house in order (cleaning,cooking,washing,taking care of what they have) how to love and be a family, how to manage money, how to save money, to learn a skill that someone will pay you for to allow you to live a comfortable life style.
I've left out much, but typing on cell phone and going blind trying to read this.
you are so right and couldn't have said it better.Keep in mind that many parents don't know how to be parents. Many of today's parents where spoiled as kids by their "parents" who also where not parents. Most of you know parents give into their kids to keep from having to deal with the monsters they create. It is so much easier to be their buddy and allow them to do as they please. Then they become grownups that don't have the life skills they need to survive and prosper own their own. They think being the parent is letting their kids do like they got to as kids. It's the only thing they know because that was how they were raised.
Struggles with finances and managing their business was also how their parents lived - so they think everything is ok. Living just like mom and dad. Now, mom and dad would do different if they could do over because NOW they have had years to see what they did wrong or didn't do at all.
IMO, if parents would be parents and teach their children the things they need to know in order to make their way into the world many things that are problems would go away.
You need to teach children respect, fear of consequences for lack of respect. How to keep their house in order (cleaning,cooking,washing,taking care of what they have) how to love and be a family, how to manage money, how to save money, to learn a skill that someone will pay you for to allow you to live a comfortable life style.
I've left out much, but typing on cell phone and going blind trying to read this.
LittleD 04:43 AM 06-08-2011
I had a parent like that. (several in fact) I always kept my children's smaller things in case of emergency, and I write a seasonal newsletter reminding the parents what they need to have for their child. Then I put reminders in their bag, or pinned to their jacket or just handed to the parents with a verbal reminder that these items are important and need to come with the child. Turning them away at the door I only had to do twice with this particular parent. Your kid can't come to daycare with no diapers, I don't have extras!!
Meeko 05:46 AM 06-08-2011
Originally Posted by Mike Lassiter:
Keep in mind that many parents don't know how to be parents. Many of today's parents where spoiled as kids by their "parents" who also where not parents. Most of you know parents give into their kids to keep from having to deal with the monsters they create. It is so much easier to be their buddy and allow them to do as they please. Then they become grownups that don't have the life skills they need to survive and prosper own their own. They think being the parent is letting their kids do like they got to as kids. It's the only thing they know because that was how they were raised.
Struggles with finances and managing their business was also how their parents lived - so they think everything is ok. Living just like mom and dad. Now, mom and dad would do different if they could do over because NOW they have had years to see what they did wrong or didn't do at all.
IMO, if parents would be parents and teach their children the things they need to know in order to make their way into the world many things that are problems would go away.
You need to teach children respect, fear of consequences for lack of respect. How to keep their house in order (cleaning,cooking,washing,taking care of what they have) how to love and be a family, how to manage money, how to save money, to learn a skill that someone will pay you for to allow you to live a comfortable life style.
I've left out much, but typing on cell phone and going blind trying to read this.
So, so true Mike. Keep in mind that many parents don't know how to be parents. Many of today's parents where spoiled as kids by their "parents" who also where not parents. Most of you know parents give into their kids to keep from having to deal with the monsters they create. It is so much easier to be their buddy and allow them to do as they please. Then they become grownups that don't have the life skills they need to survive and prosper own their own. They think being the parent is letting their kids do like they got to as kids. It's the only thing they know because that was how they were raised.
Struggles with finances and managing their business was also how their parents lived - so they think everything is ok. Living just like mom and dad. Now, mom and dad would do different if they could do over because NOW they have had years to see what they did wrong or didn't do at all.
IMO, if parents would be parents and teach their children the things they need to know in order to make their way into the world many things that are problems would go away.
You need to teach children respect, fear of consequences for lack of respect. How to keep their house in order (cleaning,cooking,washing,taking care of what they have) how to love and be a family, how to manage money, how to save money, to learn a skill that someone will pay you for to allow you to live a comfortable life style.
I've left out much, but typing on cell phone and going blind trying to read this.
I was just saying the other day that today's children do not learn consequences and are therefore unprepared for life. Many don't even know how to say please and thank you.
Their parents are conditioned to believe that saying no or demanding respect from their kids is bordering on abusive. I am sad to say that in general the toddlers of today are parent-trained to become spoiled, self-centered brats. NOT their fault.....but their parents. And the scary thing is those same kids will be the ones making the decisions that affect us when we become senior citizens......
Ariana 09:49 AM 06-08-2011
Thanks so much everyone for weighing in! I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiment that todays parents are just so lazy and let their kids do whatever they please with no rules. Just today one of the kids mentioned how there are a lot more rules at daycare than at her own house...and I consider myself pretty laid back 
Hmmmm I will have to think about how to approach the situation because this person is also a neighbour and my daughter is friends with them so I don't want to create bad blood between us. I'm going to mention the high heels and let the DCM know they're not appropriate for daycare and that she needs to come prepared for playing at the park.
I think it really helps to talk with other DCP's!! I am liking this forum alot already
Hmmmm I will have to think about how to approach the situation because this person is also a neighbour and my daughter is friends with them so I don't want to create bad blood between us. I'm going to mention the high heels and let the DCM know they're not appropriate for daycare and that she needs to come prepared for playing at the park.
I think it really helps to talk with other DCP's!! I am liking this forum alot already
nannyde 10:48 AM 06-08-2011
Originally Posted by Ariana:
Thanks so much everyone for weighing in! I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiment that todays parents are just so lazy and let their kids do whatever they please with no rules. Just today one of the kids mentioned how there are a lot more rules at daycare than at her own house...and I consider myself pretty laid back
Hmmmm I will have to think about how to approach the situation because this person is also a neighbour and my daughter is friends with them so I don't want to create bad blood between us. I'm going to mention the high heels and let the DCM know they're not appropriate for daycare and that she needs to come prepared for playing at the park.
I think it really helps to talk with other DCP's!! I am liking this forum alot already
There's really not too much you can do or say that's going to be an easy conversation and taken well by them. No matter how you word it they are going to get a NO and they aren't going to like it. Thanks so much everyone for weighing in! I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiment that todays parents are just so lazy and let their kids do whatever they please with no rules. Just today one of the kids mentioned how there are a lot more rules at daycare than at her own house...and I consider myself pretty laid back
Hmmmm I will have to think about how to approach the situation because this person is also a neighbour and my daughter is friends with them so I don't want to create bad blood between us. I'm going to mention the high heels and let the DCM know they're not appropriate for daycare and that she needs to come prepared for playing at the park.
I think it really helps to talk with other DCP's!! I am liking this forum alot already
If you tell them the kid can't come in heels that will be a no. It's the easiest no because it is pretty easy to attach the reasoning to a safety issue.
The rest of it is a no she is NOT going to like. You have to brush out your kids hair... you have to dress them in easy on clothes that fit.... you have to make sure they are clean.....
That stuff isn't going to fly. She has the means to do it and she only has two kids so she is NOT doing it FOR A REASON. She does not want to.
So the easiest out is to have some simple clothes in your house that you can switch them into when they arrive and switch back into their clothes right before they leave. Buy some shoes to keep at your house and some socks.
Do the work of finding clothes that fit, washing and drying them, storing them, etc. Do the work of dressing, combing, cleaning them when they get there.
OR
tell the Mom something that is going to make her angry AND leave EVERY SINGLE day up for grabs.
Does this outfit fit? Do these shoes fit? Does the velcro on the shoes work? Is her hair combed enough?
Every part of it that she's not doing will be a possible discussion every single day. You will get a lot of "she wouldn't let me brush her hair"... "she wanted to wear THIS princess shirt"... "the shoes DO fit... the lady at the shoe store said they do".
If you want the money on these kids you are going to have to do the work or be prepared to hear an adult every day come up with reasons why she didn't do the right thing and how what she did was right after all.
Keep in mind that the mom knows the shoes aren't appropriate. She knows the kids hair isn't done. She knows the clothes don't fit. She knows she's not bringing the supplies she needs to.
She's fully aware of ALL of these things every day. She's telling you that she will do as she pleases and you will deal or she will just find someone else who will deal.
cheerfuldom 11:02 AM 06-08-2011
agree with all nanny said. Since you have had the girls for awhile, she assumes you don't care either and she is happy to let you do the caretaking and thinks that is part of what she pays you for.
SimpleMom 11:08 AM 06-08-2011
IF it's a major concern you could call Child Protection.
You could try talking to her--sounds like you have.
You could just do your best to give them a super fun and clean environment while with you.--that might be all you can do. You can only control you. Not the parents.
I would let the parents know they need to bring socks and tennis shoes for the girls--either to keep at daycare or bring everyday if she wants to play at the park. (all my families know I require that and I have had NO problems there). You could even find a pair at a garage sale or something to keep on hand at daycare. I have a bunch of extra shoes here that I've collected over the years to use when needed. I don't have enough for the whole lot, so I always require some from home. then is someone forgets I(it happens) I have some here.
You could have the child sit and not play at the park if they don't bring in shoes.
Hope it starts looking up for you!! It's tough when you have a family that neglects the care of their children. Those children are lucky to have you
You could try talking to her--sounds like you have.
You could just do your best to give them a super fun and clean environment while with you.--that might be all you can do. You can only control you. Not the parents.
I would let the parents know they need to bring socks and tennis shoes for the girls--either to keep at daycare or bring everyday if she wants to play at the park. (all my families know I require that and I have had NO problems there). You could even find a pair at a garage sale or something to keep on hand at daycare. I have a bunch of extra shoes here that I've collected over the years to use when needed. I don't have enough for the whole lot, so I always require some from home. then is someone forgets I(it happens) I have some here.
You could have the child sit and not play at the park if they don't bring in shoes.
Hope it starts looking up for you!! It's tough when you have a family that neglects the care of their children. Those children are lucky to have you
Ariana 04:12 PM 06-08-2011
nannyde I think you're right on with what you're saying. She makes excuses all the time. Blames a LOT of stuff on her husband like "he bought her the shoes and they're too small"...uhhhh bring them back and exchange them?? Obviously it's a lie and she just doesn't want to deal with it. She KNOWS what she's doing...you're absolutely right!!
I have thought a lot about just buying the supplies and having it here but my husband says it's not my job. He just doesn't understand how it impacts my day when they're not dressed properly.
I have thought a lot about just buying the supplies and having it here but my husband says it's not my job. He just doesn't understand how it impacts my day when they're not dressed properly.
nannyde 04:23 PM 06-08-2011
Originally Posted by Ariana:
nannyde I think you're right on with what you're saying. She makes excuses all the time. Blames a LOT of stuff on her husband like "he bought her the shoes and they're too small"...uhhhh bring them back and exchange them?? Obviously it's a lie and she just doesn't want to deal with it. She KNOWS what she's doing...you're absolutely right!!
I have thought a lot about just buying the supplies and having it here but my husband says it's not my job. He just doesn't understand how it impacts my day when they're not dressed properly.
It's not your job to provide clothing and keep the kids groomed BUT it may be what you have to do to keep the job. nannyde I think you're right on with what you're saying. She makes excuses all the time. Blames a LOT of stuff on her husband like "he bought her the shoes and they're too small"...uhhhh bring them back and exchange them?? Obviously it's a lie and she just doesn't want to deal with it. She KNOWS what she's doing...you're absolutely right!!
I have thought a lot about just buying the supplies and having it here but my husband says it's not my job. He just doesn't understand how it impacts my day when they're not dressed properly.
Do you want their money? If you want their money then you may have to provide basic necessities while you have them. Dealing with clothes that don't fit and are inappropriate is way more work than the cost of buying some used basic t-shirts, sweats, shorts, and sturdy shoes.
I would rather just supply easy on fitted clothing than to deal with clothes all day. The time to switch them in and out of them is way less than dealing with clothes that don't fit or are cumbersome.
Ariana 04:35 PM 06-08-2011
For sure!! I've been providing socks and a hat for the younger girl so far this summer and have been brushing their hair. I used to put their hair up in pigtails and braids to make them feel good about themselves but couldn't get the mother to bring back my elastics. Now I just put them up in clips that I take out before they go home 
I've had to wash the little ones snowsuit, it was horrible. I debated with myself over that one because I thought the mom would notice and be angry...in the end she either didn't notice or didn't care!!
I don't think it's an issue where child services would be needed and I really don't mind doing it I just HATE that this woman comes to my door nice as pie trying to chat me up and I just feel like yelling at her. UGH
The worst part of my job is not the kids it's the "adults"...and I use the term loosely 
I'm glad I'm, not the only one who has experienced this. I just sent her an e-mail about the high heel shoes and extra summer clothes. If she shows up tomorrow with the heels I'll tell her again to her face.
I've had to wash the little ones snowsuit, it was horrible. I debated with myself over that one because I thought the mom would notice and be angry...in the end she either didn't notice or didn't care!!I don't think it's an issue where child services would be needed and I really don't mind doing it I just HATE that this woman comes to my door nice as pie trying to chat me up and I just feel like yelling at her. UGH
The worst part of my job is not the kids it's the "adults"...and I use the term loosely I'm glad I'm, not the only one who has experienced this. I just sent her an e-mail about the high heel shoes and extra summer clothes. If she shows up tomorrow with the heels I'll tell her again to her face.
sharlan 07:00 PM 06-08-2011
Ask the mother to bring you a bag full of bands for the girls' hair. I find it's easier to have them send me a whole bunch at once than try to get back one or two at a time.
Ariana 08:49 AM 06-09-2011
sharlan there is no way she'd bring me the elastics!!
Well I e-mailed her last night and this morning she brings over a pair of running shoes about 4 inches too big for her child who is 5. nannyde you totally called it.
Guess I'll be shopping for shoes
Well I e-mailed her last night and this morning she brings over a pair of running shoes about 4 inches too big for her child who is 5. nannyde you totally called it.
Guess I'll be shopping for shoes
nannyde 09:03 AM 06-09-2011
Originally Posted by Ariana:
nannyde you totally called it.
When you tell her they are too big she will say "she wears them all the time at home and she does great." OR my personal fave: "the lady at the shoe store said this is the size she's supposed to have."nannyde you totally called it.
Now when she says that don't bust out laughing. You now know the secret code words.
Ariana 12:14 PM 06-09-2011
Originally Posted by nannyde:
When you tell her they are too big she will say "she wears them all the time at home and she does great." OR my personal fave: "the lady at the shoe store said this is the size she's supposed to have."
Now when she says that don't bust out laughing. You now know the secret code words.
When you tell her they are too big she will say "she wears them all the time at home and she does great." OR my personal fave: "the lady at the shoe store said this is the size she's supposed to have."
Now when she says that don't bust out laughing. You now know the secret code words.
You have no idea how much this made my day!! Seriously I have been dealing with this parent for 8 months and it feels so good to just get everything off my chest and laugh at it all!!! I had a wonderful day today because of this thread and all you wise DCP's who've BTDT!!
nannyde 12:35 PM 06-09-2011
Originally Posted by Ariana:
You have no idea how much this made my day!! Seriously I have been dealing with this parent for 8 months and it feels so good to just get everything off my chest and laugh at it all!!! I had a wonderful day today because of this thread and all you wise DCP's who've BTDT!!
After you have been doing this for a long while you will find that people behave much more alike than they do differently. You have no idea how much this made my day!! Seriously I have been dealing with this parent for 8 months and it feels so good to just get everything off my chest and laugh at it all!!! I had a wonderful day today because of this thread and all you wise DCP's who've BTDT!!When parents are misbehaving they act the same way. If they are being negligent with clothing they say the exact same words... with the same body language... same facial expression... and when any of that is rejected they have the same mad reaction.
When they are concealing their child's illness they give you the SAME look at drop off. They say the same hedging words...
When they stopped by the Walmart on their way home and tell you they are late because they got stopped by a train... THE SAME.
It just takes time to learn the ropes on what it looks like.
Now the parent believes they came up with the ruse. They never consider that you have seen that same exact expression 189 times before. They don't think they are using the exact same phrase as those who came before them.
Now and then someone will come up with a unique one but for the the most part they do the same.