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Old 07-18-2012, 05:22 AM
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So last night DH and I got into a bit of an argument.

My DH works from 6 am to 6 pm Monday thru Friday and occasional Saturdays so he does not get to spend a lot of time with our children. I am home with our children plus 2 - 3 other children Monday thru Thursday and then just my own 2 kids Friday/Saturday.

My own kids wake up at about 7 am and I like to have them in bed by 7:30 pm to ensure that they get proper sleep for the next day.

Well, DH always wants to keep them up so he can spend time with them, but by the time their bedtime comes around I am EXHAUSTED from my busy day. He doesn't care about their bedtime because he doesn't have to deal with them when they are cranky.

I want him to be able to spend time with his children (obviously) but also want to keep them in their routine and make sure they are getting their sleep.

He says I don't understand because I am with them all day and don't get the opportunity to miss them. I feel he doesn't understand what being a daycare provider entails ...

Just frustrated that we can't see eye to eye ...

Has anyone else been here? Any advice?
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Old 07-18-2012, 05:32 AM
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how old are your own 2 kids? Honestly, I think I agree with dad. I'm all for the working parent spending time with their child and I do think 7:30 is a rather early bed time, especially for the summer. If they are toddlers they should nap during the day so they can handle a little extra time in the evening. If they are school age I would bump bed time to 8pm just to give dad an extra half hour with them. I understand being tired, but why can't dad "bond" with them by giving them baths and reading bedtime stories, etc. till 8pm??? My DH is very involved with our kids and one of the things he always did was baths/showers for my boys at night.
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Old 07-18-2012, 05:57 AM
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Yep, let dad take care of bedtime! If the kids are cranky during the day, either let them sleep in longer or let them sleep longer at naptime. They need to see daddy being an active part of their day just as much as he needs to spend time with them. Especially in the summer when (presumably) your schedule is a little more flexible without bus runs, extra-curriculars, etc.

Having a hubby that wants to spend MORE time with his kids is a VERY good thing . I would do everything I could to encourage it!
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Old 07-18-2012, 05:57 AM
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Your lucky your husband wants to spend time with the kids......many don't. Esp after working such long hours. I agree with Crazy8- Let him. Let him do the responsible things too, not just play. Give them baths, brush teeth, story, etc... bump up bed time and bump up wake time and extend nap if needed. You have room to be flexible with your own kids. I would have schedule for the daycare kids but if your own kids go off schedule, no biggie- your there, you can get them back on track or alter. Benefit of doing home care. When daycare is going on, husband should respect your rules, or take the kids away from the other daycare kids to do special, or include daycare kids with your approval. What you have is rare- embrace it.

Flip side- I do understand how you feel-but I would adjust it to having him help you with the responsible stuff too-not just play. He can incorporate play into the nightly routine.

Good luck-
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Old 07-18-2012, 06:22 AM
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I hear and agree with those of you saying that it is a great thing that dad wants to spend time with the kids but come on....just because he misses the kids or doesn't see them much does NOT mean their routines and schedules should be interupted in order to give dad what he wants.

What happened to doing what is best for the kids? Not what is best for dad or mom? The routine the kids need, the proper sleep the kids need etc is way more important than dad missing his kids. If he honestly misses them then instead of mom having to suck up the slack and dealing with ornery crabby kids why can't dad schedule one day a week off or to take off early and spend some quality time with the kids?

He could also take them on Saturdays and Sundays and do something fun with them. He could also spend the hour each evening he does have with them and bond with them too with bath time, story time, dinner etc.

If mom was not doing daycare, then allowing them to stay up would be another daycare provider's issue and we'd see the complaining going on in the venting thread about parents who keep their kids up too late.

Dad can make the changes HE needs to make to spend time with the kids and NOT make the kid's routines and schedules messed up just so HE can have what he wants...... I definitely agree that it is important that the kids spend time with dad (and mom) but NOT at the expense of their well-being.
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Old 07-18-2012, 09:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Blackcat31 View Post
I hear and agree with those of you saying that it is a great thing that dad wants to spend time with the kids but come on....just because he misses the kids or doesn't see them much does NOT mean their routines and schedules should be interupted in order to give dad what he wants.

What happened to doing what is best for the kids? Not what is best for dad or mom? The routine the kids need, the proper sleep the kids need etc is way more important than dad missing his kids. If he honestly misses them then instead of mom having to suck up the slack and dealing with ornery crabby kids why can't dad schedule one day a week off or to take off early and spend some quality time with the kids?

He could also take them on Saturdays and Sundays and do something fun with them. He could also spend the hour each evening he does have with them and bond with them too with bath time, story time, dinner etc.

If mom was not doing daycare, then allowing them to stay up would be another daycare provider's issue and we'd see the complaining going on in the venting thread about parents who keep their kids up too late.

Dad can make the changes HE needs to make to spend time with the kids and NOT make the kid's routines and schedules messed up just so HE can have what he wants...... I definitely agree that it is important that the kids spend time with dad (and mom) but NOT at the expense of their well-being.
Idk, I still believe very much that it IS in the children's best interests to spend time with a father that wants to spend time with them. If I had a dck that wasn't coming until 10:00 because their bedtime was later, expressly to spend time with their mom or dad, I would love it! I've found that the kids who do stay up later and sleep in later (everyday, not just once in awhile) still sleep at the same nap time as everyone else. They still need the same number of hours of sleep in total as any other kid.

Little ones don't stay little forever, and men (in general) tend to stop trying to do the things that people discourage them from doing.

I've had a couple of kids that would throw fits when their parents came to pick them up at the end of the day. But just because they were crabby about it, I wouldn't say "It's better for them to leave them with me", kwim?

I do understand OP's sentiment. It's harder to deal with cranky kids during the day when you've got 5 more to take care of too. But still, the long-term benefits far outweigh my short-term challenges. JMO
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Old 07-18-2012, 09:19 AM
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Idk, I still believe very much that it IS in the children's best interests to spend time with a father that wants to spend time with them. If I had a dck that wasn't coming until 10:00 because their bedtime was later, expressly to spend time with their mom or dad, I would love it! I've found that the kids who do stay up later and sleep in later (everyday, not just once in awhile) still sleep at the same nap time as everyone else. They still need the same number of hours of sleep in total as any other kid.

Little ones don't stay little forever, and men (in general) tend to stop trying to do the things that people discourage them from doing.

I've had a couple of kids that would throw fits when their parents came to pick them up at the end of the day. But just because they were crabby about it, I wouldn't say "It's better for them to leave them with me", kwim?

I do understand OP's sentiment. It's harder to deal with cranky kids during the day when you've got 5 more to take care of too. But still, the long-term benefits far outweigh my short-term challenges. JMO
Oh, I definitely absolutely agree that it IS in the best interest of the children to spend time with EITHER of their parents....I just think it needs to be done on a schedule that is best for the kids and not when it is simply easier for the parent.

If dad truly feels he is missing out on time with his kids, HE can make the changes needed to accommodate that need, NOT make the kids change up their regular routines to suit him....kwim?
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Old 07-18-2012, 09:48 AM
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Thanks for everyone's input!

I guess the struggle is that I do see where he is coming from, but I am also looking at my side too.

Perhaps the problem is he only wants to do the play time and I am left to do the chores or clean up after them which I have been doing all day anyway so it is frustrating.

I will tell him if he wants the extra time, he needs to do the extra chores, and perhaps we will only extend bed time a few nights a week instead of every night. Thanks again!
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Old 07-18-2012, 09:53 AM
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Can you extend bedtime to 8:00 and then have your DH take over putting them to bed? That could work out in your favor and give you extra time to yourself, if you set a rule with Dh that he has to clean up any mess he makes with the kids.
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Old 07-18-2012, 09:56 AM
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What you have here is very rare! There are sooo many dads that don't want to be as involved as your hubby does. That is very special.

I totally understand how you feel about dealing with cranky and crabby kids from staying up late at night to spend time with dad. Maybe if you reached a mutual agreement on a trial basis then everyone can be happy.
What if once dad comes home he takes over with the kids (because you NEED a break too after dealing with kids all day long!). At that time you have a family dinner and dad helps clean up and then you go off to relax or do whatever you please! Dad can bathe them, read stories, have a little play time maybe until about 8 or 8:30ish. Then dad puts them to bed then you get adult time since it's not too late.
Having the kids stay up that extra 30 minutes to an hour likely won't cause too much crankiness (maybe it will just take a couple weeks to ease into the change) Then everyone get's what they want.
If dad puts them to bed at 8:30 and after a couple of weeks they are still too crabby for you, then maybe try adjusting to around 8 and see if that works for your family. Also Dad could also spend majority of Sunday (and even Saturday, if he's not working) with the kids. Then you get your much needed break and he's happy spending time with the kids.

I know it's tough to make everything work so smoothly, but honestly, everyone on here is absolutely right...the fact that hubby wants to spend this time with his kids is an excellent thing and should absolutely be encouraged!
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Blackcat31 View Post
Oh, I definitely absolutely agree that it IS in the best interest of the children to spend time with EITHER of their parents....I just think it needs to be done on a schedule that is best for the kids and not when it is simply easier for the parent.

If dad truly feels he is missing out on time with his kids, HE can make the changes needed to accommodate that need, NOT make the kids change up their regular routines to suit him....kwim?
It doesn't sound like Dad is jumping in at convenience hours to him. He comes home from working long hours and wants to spend time with his kids. I see the best fit is too compromise on both sides of things. He spends time with them but come close to bed time he works the fun into the normal routine. I don't think Dad has a choice, but Mom can work a little with it. Dad Works outside of the home. His hours are probably like many jobs not moveable- you work this schedule or you don't have a job. Kids will adapt- most not all. They know the routine of things here and come rest time they are ready to settle down and snooze. I don't take into account what goes on at home for the most part, but here we go on my schedule. I do see your point blackcat or where your coming from and agree to some extent.....but I think letting the kids stay up a little later to spend time with Dad, a Dad that is involved is more powerful then the schedule esp seeing how Mom is home with the kids and can alter that schedule for her own children. If it is going to the extreme........well then come on Dad work with Mom here! I might be reading this wrong but I don't think that is the case here. I have always encouraged my husband spending time with our kids, not that I really had to do this. I am lucky- so many kids out there are not that lucky.

If Dad is wanting to spend this time and not pour it onto Mom/daycare provider who has been with kids all day long and wants some quiet self time. He goes the distance and lets mom do her thing and has his time meeting the kids need's. I would just push back the kids schedules, except for nap time. They will still nap at nap time-

Best-
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:45 AM
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Thanks for everyone's input!

I guess the struggle is that I do see where he is coming from, but I am also looking at my side too.

Perhaps the problem is he only wants to do the play time and I am left to do the chores or clean up after them which I have been doing all day anyway so it is frustrating.

I will tell him if he wants the extra time, he needs to do the extra chores, and perhaps we will only extend bed time a few nights a week instead of every night. Thanks again!
as I wrote my last response it came to me that this is what was really going on...........and rightfully so. It makes your day never stop, you need to tell him this. Have at it Dad but plan to help me out, so I don't have to do it all. Be ready to let him and not expect it to be the way you do it. Over the years I have learned something so valuable to me personally. Took years to figure this out. Here it is......... Let the little stuff go. I still fumble with this from time to time but I go back to it. I have to remember that if I ask for help, not to expect it to get done the way that I would do it, but to keep showing how I do it in a kind way as to not offend anyone and also keep open to other ways of doing things.

BEST-
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Blackcat31 View Post
I hear and agree with those of you saying that it is a great thing that dad wants to spend time with the kids but come on....just because he misses the kids or doesn't see them much does NOT mean their routines and schedules should be interupted in order to give dad what he wants.

What happened to doing what is best for the kids? Not what is best for dad or mom? The routine the kids need, the proper sleep the kids need etc is way more important than dad missing his kids. If he honestly misses them then instead of mom having to suck up the slack and dealing with ornery crabby kids why can't dad schedule one day a week off or to take off early and spend some quality time with the kids?

He could also take them on Saturdays and Sundays and do something fun with them. He could also spend the hour each evening he does have with them and bond with them too with bath time, story time, dinner etc.

If mom was not doing daycare, then allowing them to stay up would be another daycare provider's issue and we'd see the complaining going on in the venting thread about parents who keep their kids up too late.

Dad can make the changes HE needs to make to spend time with the kids and NOT make the kid's routines and schedules messed up just so HE can have what he wants...... I definitely agree that it is important that the kids spend time with dad (and mom) but NOT at the expense of their well-being.
I usually always agree with you BlackCat, but not on this. Mom is saying she has a pretty strict up at 7am down at 7:30pm routine. I was not saying anything about going crazy in messing that up - just that it is pretty strict and a rather early bedtime to boot - that she can make some adjustments so dad can spend time with the kids AND it would include him doing the baths/stories to give her the break (not sure if she does that now or he does). I am all for schedules and routines but doing what is best for the FAMILY means giving dad some time with the kids, the kids well being will not be completely destroyed by going to an 8pm or even dare stretch to an 8:30pm bedtime. No one said let them stay up till 10-11pm with dad, we are talking about 30-60 min. here and if the kids are cranky that can easily be made up by letting them sleep a little later in the mornings or even extending nap 15-30 min. It really doesn't have to be one extreme or the other with routines. I WOULD bend over backwards to help my DH if he felt like he wasn't involved enough in our family. Maybe he DOES do things with them on weekends but still feels its not enough. I know if I was the parent working outside the home from 6am-6pm and my spouse insisted the kids be in bed at 7:30pm I wouldn't be feeling like I got to spend enough time with them.
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Old 07-18-2012, 01:16 PM
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I usually always agree with you BlackCat, but not on this. Mom is saying she has a pretty strict up at 7am down at 7:30pm routine. I was not saying anything about going crazy in messing that up - just that it is pretty strict and a rather early bedtime to boot - that she can make some adjustments so dad can spend time with the kids AND it would include him doing the baths/stories to give her the break (not sure if she does that now or he does). I am all for schedules and routines but doing what is best for the FAMILY means giving dad some time with the kids, the kids well being will not be completely destroyed by going to an 8pm or even dare stretch to an 8:30pm bedtime. No one said let them stay up till 10-11pm with dad, we are talking about 30-60 min. here and if the kids are cranky that can easily be made up by letting them sleep a little later in the mornings or even extending nap 15-30 min. It really doesn't have to be one extreme or the other with routines. I WOULD bend over backwards to help my DH if he felt like he wasn't involved enough in our family. Maybe he DOES do things with them on weekends but still feels its not enough. I know if I was the parent working outside the home from 6am-6pm and my spouse insisted the kids be in bed at 7:30pm I wouldn't be feeling like I got to spend enough time with them.
I think some of you are missing my point......I NEVER said dad shouldn't spend time with his kids or shouldn't have the opportunity to or that the bed times HAVE to remain dead on. I am saying that if it is really important to him, there ARE ways he CAN be involved without completely disrupting their routines. (there have been plenty of examples listed in this thread...extending bed time a bit, bathing, story time etc).

I was merely commenting on the fact that everyone went "Oh wow! a dad who wants to be invovled, lets do anything and everything to make sure he can be just because dads aren't normally like that." THAT was what I was trying to say. We (as a society) tend to make excuses or exceptions for fathers but have a different set of standards for mothers.

This dad has options, along with compormising with his wife (OP) about bed times and routines and schedules, and if mom didnt do daycare, she wouldn't be seeing her kids as much either and honestly I kind of took the original post as maybe the dad is kind of jealous that he doesn't get to be home with the kids all day like OP does and I get that, but that doesn't mean he gets to be all disruptive because deep down, he is jealous of the time the mom gets with the kids.

He can take a personal day here and there...he can take off early one day, he can do things on Sat/Sun, he can do the hard parenting work of bathing, feeding, story time and bed time too NOT just get to play with them.

I think it is great that he wants to be more invovled and yes it is a rarity but honestly, I didn't take the whole situation as that was the only issue....OP drove that point home when she posted again about what DH really wants is all the fun with none of the work and that is kind of what I felt was the real issue before she even said it.

Also on a side note, looking back as my own children are adults now, I think quality time is much more important than the quantity of time.
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