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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>"Daddy Hurt Mommy" (Logged Out)
Unregistered 02:04 PM 05-09-2012
Registered user but logged out.
Today I was working on a mother's day activity when one of the kids says to me, "Daddy hurts mommy." I do have a bad feeling about this dcd in general though, before she ever said anything.
Then another child says, "My daddy yells at my mommy because she doesnt have any money."
OMG- I hugged all of the kids and told them they were all safe at my house and then I quickly changed the subject.
How do you handle things like this? I was completely caught off guard. I know kids have no filters at all, but I didnt want to carry on a conversation and have a parent-bashing either. But then part of me wants to save the world and make sure nothing fishy is going on- but that's none of my business as long as it isnt pertaining to the kids. None of the kids said anything about being hurt themselves.
WWYD?
Today I was working on a mother's day activity when one of the kids says to me, "Daddy hurts mommy." I do have a bad feeling about this dcd in general though, before she ever said anything.
Then another child says, "My daddy yells at my mommy because she doesnt have any money."
OMG- I hugged all of the kids and told them they were all safe at my house and then I quickly changed the subject.
How do you handle things like this? I was completely caught off guard. I know kids have no filters at all, but I didnt want to carry on a conversation and have a parent-bashing either. But then part of me wants to save the world and make sure nothing fishy is going on- but that's none of my business as long as it isnt pertaining to the kids. None of the kids said anything about being hurt themselves.
WWYD?
Breezy 02:07 PM 05-09-2012
Oh jeez, I have chills from reading this and I am all teary 
I think you should maybe report it. Kids usually just don't say those things out of the blue I don't think.
I'm sure mom will deny it out of fear.. but, maybe she is just needing help getting out.
But, if the child is seeing this it is NOT okay and if he can hurt mommy he can hurt the kids too.
I think you should maybe report it. Kids usually just don't say those things out of the blue I don't think.
I'm sure mom will deny it out of fear.. but, maybe she is just needing help getting out.
But, if the child is seeing this it is NOT okay and if he can hurt mommy he can hurt the kids too.
Unregistered 02:35 PM 05-09-2012
I'll tell you, I grew up in a household where daddy hurt mommy. I remember hearing my mom screaming in the bathroom once, saying, "Get your hands off of my neck!" I remember picking up the phone one time to hear him say to my mother, "You're nothing without me."
He was aggressive toward my sister and I, but mostly me, because I was the strong willed, stubborn one. DSS came once and they told me, in high school, to either tough it out or go to a group home, and a group home was worse. I have always had a bad feeling about this dcd, and hearing that from this little girl really made my heart sink, because I too, know what it is like to grow up like that.
DCB has been becoming increasingly aggressive, and I thought perhaps it is normal 3 year old boy behavior, but now I am wondering if he is imitating what he sees???
Who do I report it to? CPS? Will they take the report since DCG did not say it was her? Maybe I should call anyway and ask them what to do, or just tell them my story.
Part of me wants to reach out to the mom during pick up one day, and have a heart to heart and share my story and get her some help, but part of me wants to protect my family as well. If this guy is aggressive I dont want him coming after me or my family.
What is so creepy is that last night I had a dream that my father came to my house and was going to hurt me and my children. I kept telling him that I wasn't the same person and that i would not allow him to hurt me. I wonder sometimes about dreams- if there is any sort of psychic connection with the world via dreams or something. My mom had premonition dreams that turned out to be true, and my preschool aged daughter told me about some dreams she had that turned out to be true that were totally out of the blue. My family and I are Christians so I tend not to believe in psychic stuff, but it makes me wonder.
He was aggressive toward my sister and I, but mostly me, because I was the strong willed, stubborn one. DSS came once and they told me, in high school, to either tough it out or go to a group home, and a group home was worse. I have always had a bad feeling about this dcd, and hearing that from this little girl really made my heart sink, because I too, know what it is like to grow up like that.
DCB has been becoming increasingly aggressive, and I thought perhaps it is normal 3 year old boy behavior, but now I am wondering if he is imitating what he sees???
Who do I report it to? CPS? Will they take the report since DCG did not say it was her? Maybe I should call anyway and ask them what to do, or just tell them my story.
Part of me wants to reach out to the mom during pick up one day, and have a heart to heart and share my story and get her some help, but part of me wants to protect my family as well. If this guy is aggressive I dont want him coming after me or my family.
What is so creepy is that last night I had a dream that my father came to my house and was going to hurt me and my children. I kept telling him that I wasn't the same person and that i would not allow him to hurt me. I wonder sometimes about dreams- if there is any sort of psychic connection with the world via dreams or something. My mom had premonition dreams that turned out to be true, and my preschool aged daughter told me about some dreams she had that turned out to be true that were totally out of the blue. My family and I are Christians so I tend not to believe in psychic stuff, but it makes me wonder.
Kiki 02:35 PM 05-09-2012
I don't know what I would do honestly. Unless it was brought up more than once, I would probably bite my tongue until I heard it again. 
Dunno, hard to say what happened to make them say that.
The 'Daddy yells at mommy for not having money' part, that may have just been a normal argument, heck who hasn't argued with their other half about money before? They may have thought the DCK was asleep while they were in a heated argument about it, and he/she overheard sadly.
In all honesty, and I don't want to sound horrible, but if the money one wouldn't have been said right AFTER the hurts mommy one, I probably would have laughed and said, 'None of us have money deary!'
Dunno, hard to say what happened to make them say that.The 'Daddy yells at mommy for not having money' part, that may have just been a normal argument, heck who hasn't argued with their other half about money before? They may have thought the DCK was asleep while they were in a heated argument about it, and he/she overheard sadly.
In all honesty, and I don't want to sound horrible, but if the money one wouldn't have been said right AFTER the hurts mommy one, I probably would have laughed and said, 'None of us have money deary!'
sharlan 03:15 PM 05-09-2012
I would take Mom aside and tell her what was said.
Michael 03:39 PM 05-09-2012
Originally Posted by sharlan:
I would take Mom aside and tell her what was said.
I'm not sure that is a good idea. I'm with Breezy on this one. Could you ask the child further about what "hurt" means? If this guy is hitting his wife I would call both CPS and the police. This child is learning this same behavior at his formative years. Domestic violence is not a heathy environment for all involved. This dcd should be made to be scared of what can happen if his behavior continues. The mother needs to get into a support group. I can't believe men can do this to women. If front of kids no less.I would take Mom aside and tell her what was said.
daycare 03:57 PM 05-09-2012
Originally Posted by Michael:
I'm not sure that is a good idea. I'm with Breezy on this one. Could you ask the child further about what "hurt" means? If this guy is hitting his wife I would call both CPS and the police. This child is learning this same behavior at his formative years. Domestic violence is not a heathy environment for all involved. This dcd should be made to be scared of what can happen if his behavior continues. The mother needs to get into a support group. I can't believe men can do this to women. If front of kids no less.
i used to work for a place called lauras house in mission viejo... The offices are there, but they have safe houses all over so cal for women and children to start a new SAFE life and learn how to make it on their own without domestic violence in their lives.I'm not sure that is a good idea. I'm with Breezy on this one. Could you ask the child further about what "hurt" means? If this guy is hitting his wife I would call both CPS and the police. This child is learning this same behavior at his formative years. Domestic violence is not a heathy environment for all involved. This dcd should be made to be scared of what can happen if his behavior continues. The mother needs to get into a support group. I can't believe men can do this to women. If front of kids no less.
I know that they are all over the world. I would call CPS......This is usually how the cases we got started from.....
bluemoose_mom 04:30 PM 05-09-2012
I don't know...I think I would bring it up with the child again. Ask some sensitive questions to the child to determine what he means.
I say this because DH and I will wrestle and pick on each other, and often times DD comes running to get in on the fun. I usually end up getting flicked too hard, and saying ouch. Totally playful and it goes both ways. However, DD has said more than once "daddy hurts mommy" to her grandparents while we are picking on each other. Or if she even thinks we are (like if I squeal) and will repeat "daddy hurts mommy" business. It would, and does sound really bad to anyone not in the room...but it's definitely nothing abusive.
That being said, I would agree that I would start questioning what's going on. This statement could very well be a red flag, but it could also be something innocent. I would ask DCK some questions first, then dependent on that, call social services or bring it up to mom. IDK, this is a tough one cause if my DD would say it (and has said it) to anyone that doesn't know us well, it would sound just as bad.
I say this because DH and I will wrestle and pick on each other, and often times DD comes running to get in on the fun. I usually end up getting flicked too hard, and saying ouch. Totally playful and it goes both ways. However, DD has said more than once "daddy hurts mommy" to her grandparents while we are picking on each other. Or if she even thinks we are (like if I squeal) and will repeat "daddy hurts mommy" business. It would, and does sound really bad to anyone not in the room...but it's definitely nothing abusive.
That being said, I would agree that I would start questioning what's going on. This statement could very well be a red flag, but it could also be something innocent. I would ask DCK some questions first, then dependent on that, call social services or bring it up to mom. IDK, this is a tough one cause if my DD would say it (and has said it) to anyone that doesn't know us well, it would sound just as bad.
logged out 05:48 PM 05-09-2012
THis morning my 3 yo dcg told me that her mommy punched her daddy in the nose and made it bleed!
It took me about 3 seconds of thinking about it to realize that there was probably more to the story. Mom is a social worker for one thing, and although I know that it's not impossible for a social worker to also be an abuser, it seems pretty unlikely here.
I called mom and said "Hey...Brut"....mom is already making chuckling noises now...
Turns out, dad had a work accident and got a black eye and nose. When the kids asked what had happened, he told them "mom hit me", thinking that's funny. The rest of the family immediately got on him about how that NOT funny. DCM said "just wait...dcg is going to tell dcp"
sure enough....
I'm just trying to say that you do have to take whatever a 3 yo says with a grain of salt. You can have some very general conversations about hitting, but be VERY careful about doing any questioning of a young child. It takes a LOT of training to do it right, and you can do a lot of damage if you do it wrong! We are NOT trained to do this.
If you really truly suspect something, report it. That is your job as a mandated reporter. It is NOT NOT NOT our job to investigate!
It took me about 3 seconds of thinking about it to realize that there was probably more to the story. Mom is a social worker for one thing, and although I know that it's not impossible for a social worker to also be an abuser, it seems pretty unlikely here.
I called mom and said "Hey...Brut"....mom is already making chuckling noises now...
Turns out, dad had a work accident and got a black eye and nose. When the kids asked what had happened, he told them "mom hit me", thinking that's funny. The rest of the family immediately got on him about how that NOT funny. DCM said "just wait...dcg is going to tell dcp"
sure enough....
I'm just trying to say that you do have to take whatever a 3 yo says with a grain of salt. You can have some very general conversations about hitting, but be VERY careful about doing any questioning of a young child. It takes a LOT of training to do it right, and you can do a lot of damage if you do it wrong! We are NOT trained to do this.
If you really truly suspect something, report it. That is your job as a mandated reporter. It is NOT NOT NOT our job to investigate!
wdmmom 06:09 PM 05-09-2012
Have you ever noticed any evidence that something might be going on? Bruises? Wearing long sleeves or turtle necks in warmer weather?
I would probably ask DCB what he means by DCD hurts DCM. What does hurt mean. If he says he makes her cry, well, there isn't much that can be done. You don't know the extent of why but if he says he hits, kicks, punches, smacks, etc, I would report the allegation to DHS and let them do their work to investigate the claim.
Just out of curiousity, how old is the DCB?
Coming from a former abusive relationship, I didn't realize the impact it had on my children until after I got out. Now, they are happy, healthy kids that have helped me heal my wounds in the process. Knowing now that I wish I would have known then, it's NOT always in the best interest of the kids to stay together...as many claimed to me.
I would probably ask DCB what he means by DCD hurts DCM. What does hurt mean. If he says he makes her cry, well, there isn't much that can be done. You don't know the extent of why but if he says he hits, kicks, punches, smacks, etc, I would report the allegation to DHS and let them do their work to investigate the claim.
Just out of curiousity, how old is the DCB?
Coming from a former abusive relationship, I didn't realize the impact it had on my children until after I got out.
Now, they are happy, healthy kids that have helped me heal my wounds in the process. Knowing now that I wish I would have known then, it's NOT always in the best interest of the kids to stay together...as many claimed to me.
Countrygal 06:40 PM 05-09-2012
Honestly, I may report it, but having been in an abusive situation, I would talk to the mom first.
Most times other people's intervention is not wanted. Even if you called CPS the parents would probably stick together and, believe it or not, support each other. But sometimes, one on one, if the woman is tired enough, she'll be ready to talk to someone.
I wish I had had someone who cared enough to come up next to me and just talk to me about it.
But maybe that's just me....
Most times other people's intervention is not wanted. Even if you called CPS the parents would probably stick together and, believe it or not, support each other. But sometimes, one on one, if the woman is tired enough, she'll be ready to talk to someone.
I wish I had had someone who cared enough to come up next to me and just talk to me about it.
But maybe that's just me....
jen 07:13 PM 05-09-2012
Once when my son was around 3 or 4, before I was a provider, he pushed a girl when playing house because she didn't keep the house clean enough. My ex never raised a hand to me; although we did have a MINOR disagreement about house cleaning, my son took it to daycare.
It definitely taught me a lesson about arguing, even little ones, in front of young children! Still, I'm certainly glad his provider didn't call CPS!
It definitely taught me a lesson about arguing, even little ones, in front of young children! Still, I'm certainly glad his provider didn't call CPS!
Michael 07:37 PM 05-09-2012
I don't think this child is making up things or the parents are fooling around with pranks. This statement in all likelihood shows at-home aggression.
"DCB has been becoming increasingly aggressive, and I thought perhaps it is normal 3 year old boy behavior, but now I am wondering if he is imitating what he sees???"
I am not professional in domestic violence but in my opinion something is going on here that is not good for this child to witness.
"DCB has been becoming increasingly aggressive, and I thought perhaps it is normal 3 year old boy behavior, but now I am wondering if he is imitating what he sees???"
I am not professional in domestic violence but in my opinion something is going on here that is not good for this child to witness.
Kiki 07:54 PM 05-09-2012
Originally Posted by Michael:
I don't think this child is making up things or the parents are fooling around with pranks. This statement in all likelihood shows at-home aggression.
"DCB has been becoming increasingly aggressive, and I thought perhaps it is normal 3 year old boy behavior, but now I am wondering if he is imitating what he sees???"
I am not professional in domestic violence but in my opinion something is going on here that is not good for this child to witness.
>< I must have missed that post, pretty sure ours went up at the same time.I don't think this child is making up things or the parents are fooling around with pranks. This statement in all likelihood shows at-home aggression.
"DCB has been becoming increasingly aggressive, and I thought perhaps it is normal 3 year old boy behavior, but now I am wondering if he is imitating what he sees???"
I am not professional in domestic violence but in my opinion something is going on here that is not good for this child to witness.
If he's becoming aggressive, maybe something IS going on, it's still a really tough call though.
spud912 09:58 PM 05-09-2012
I agree with pressing the boy for more answers before calling CPS. Kids say some crazy things! I have heard kids say that I keep them in time out all day (this particular child has had one time out in 8 months), I have had kids who say I put them in a cage (I put a Superyard around us during sensory play so the little walkers don't put the sensory items in their mouth), my daughter has yelled before "DON'T PUSH ME!" when I have guided her out of the way nicely, etc. Kids make up things, over-exaggerate, and use the wrong words to describe situations all the time.
Meeko 05:56 AM 05-10-2012
It's a hard call. Kids can say some weird stuff.
My mother has never forgotten taking me a big store in London when I was about 3 years old. I wasn't being very good so she told me we were leaving the store due to me behavior and took my hand and off we marched.
To my mother's complete horror...I said in a loud voice.....
"I'm sorry Mummy...please don't put me in the fridge again!"
I don't recall saying it or why and my parents almost died of shock as people stared at them!!! I have the best, kindest parents in the world!
They have never forgotten it. I've had 4 kids who all did or said weird things at 3 and dozens of day care 3 year olds.
That said.....I've also has suspicions about a day care father that turned out worse than I could ever have imagined.........
So go with your gut on this one...only you can get the "vibe" from the child.
My mother has never forgotten taking me a big store in London when I was about 3 years old. I wasn't being very good so she told me we were leaving the store due to me behavior and took my hand and off we marched.
To my mother's complete horror...I said in a loud voice.....
"I'm sorry Mummy...please don't put me in the fridge again!"
I don't recall saying it or why and my parents almost died of shock as people stared at them!!! I have the best, kindest parents in the world!
They have never forgotten it. I've had 4 kids who all did or said weird things at 3 and dozens of day care 3 year olds.
That said.....I've also has suspicions about a day care father that turned out worse than I could ever have imagined.........
So go with your gut on this one...only you can get the "vibe" from the child.
small_steps 09:45 AM 05-10-2012
Originally Posted by spud912:
I agree with pressing the boy for more answers before calling CPS. Kids say some crazy things! I have heard kids say that I keep them in time out all day (this particular child has had one time out in 8 months), I have had kids who say I put them in a cage (I put a Superyard around us during sensory play so the little walkers don't put the sensory items in their mouth), my daughter has yelled before "DON'T PUSH ME!" when I have guided her out of the way nicely, etc. Kids make up things, over-exaggerate, and use the wrong words to describe situations all the time.
I wouldn't press the child for more information. Our local CPS caseworkers tell us not to continually ask questions as we aren't really trained to not lead the child. If children are asked questions several times they can start to embellish the truth because they are getting some attention from it. I agree with pressing the boy for more answers before calling CPS. Kids say some crazy things! I have heard kids say that I keep them in time out all day (this particular child has had one time out in 8 months), I have had kids who say I put them in a cage (I put a Superyard around us during sensory play so the little walkers don't put the sensory items in their mouth), my daughter has yelled before "DON'T PUSH ME!" when I have guided her out of the way nicely, etc. Kids make up things, over-exaggerate, and use the wrong words to describe situations all the time.
I would call CPS and let them handle it. Ask to remain anonymous if you're worried about them getting angry with you. Let a CPS caseworker question the child if they feel it's necessary. I do agree that it sounds fishy and that something is probably going on. I hate being put in those types of situations.
Ariana 09:56 AM 05-10-2012
I agree with asking the kid more questions but make sure they are not leading questions. This is very important.
I wonder if the little boy heard the parents having sex?? Sometimes kids can think the parents are fighting when they're not kwim!! I know so many people who have heard their parents having sex and thought the dad was trying to kill their mom. Just a thought!
I wonder if the little boy heard the parents having sex?? Sometimes kids can think the parents are fighting when they're not kwim!! I know so many people who have heard their parents having sex and thought the dad was trying to kill their mom. Just a thought!
Heidi 10:25 AM 05-10-2012
Originally Posted by Ariana:
I agree with asking the kid more questions but make sure they are not leading questions. This is very important.
I wonder if the little boy heard the parents having sex?? Sometimes kids can think the parents are fighting when they're not kwim!! I know so many people who have heard their parents having sex and thought the dad was trying to kill their mom. Just a thought!
lol @ ArianaI agree with asking the kid more questions but make sure they are not leading questions. This is very important.
I wonder if the little boy heard the parents having sex?? Sometimes kids can think the parents are fighting when they're not kwim!! I know so many people who have heard their parents having sex and thought the dad was trying to kill their mom. Just a thought!
It's certainly a possibility!
Kiki 10:29 AM 05-10-2012
Originally Posted by Ariana:
I wonder if the little boy heard the parents having sex?? Sometimes kids can think the parents are fighting when they're not kwim!! I know so many people who have heard their parents having sex and thought the dad was trying to kill their mom. Just a thought!
I wonder if the little boy heard the parents having sex?? Sometimes kids can think the parents are fighting when they're not kwim!! I know so many people who have heard their parents having sex and thought the dad was trying to kill their mom. Just a thought!
See, it's things like that, that makes it hard. Who is to say what really happened?
karen 11:16 AM 05-10-2012
What a sensitive situation!
First thing please get a notebook and document what was said. Only facts do not write down things like "I think" or " It seems" none of your feelings can come into this at all.
When questioning a child never put thoughts into his/her mind.
Questions should be simple and always let the child tell you what happened. And always document the questions you asked and the answer that was given. "Did daddy hit mommy" is not appropriate as that is putting thoughts into the child's head.
If you are not experienced in dealing with this or not comfortable I would call cps and speak with someone as they would be glad to help you out and give you the right questions to ask.
Good Luck!
First thing please get a notebook and document what was said. Only facts do not write down things like "I think" or " It seems" none of your feelings can come into this at all.
When questioning a child never put thoughts into his/her mind.
Questions should be simple and always let the child tell you what happened. And always document the questions you asked and the answer that was given. "Did daddy hit mommy" is not appropriate as that is putting thoughts into the child's head.
If you are not experienced in dealing with this or not comfortable I would call cps and speak with someone as they would be glad to help you out and give you the right questions to ask.
Good Luck!