She was my great-grandmother, 99 years and 11 months! We don't know if the funeral will be Tuesday or Wednesday, I find out today. I have one mother who would take the whole day off, no problem (and this is the mom of the girl who is leaving me this week, so I'd lose a day with her but I'd already feel bad because our time with her is so short). Another child is my cousin's little guy...well, she was her great-grandmother, too, so she'd pull her son whatever day it's on anyway.

My problem lies with my full time DKC. Her mom runs a business from home and has insinuated that she can only reschedule clients in the morning for during the funeral( (funerals always happen between 10 and 11am here), but then the afternoon DKC HAS to come here. Which, right now I'm thinking well, I'm not upset over her passing, she lived a long, great life and I'm not sad...but honestly, I can't tell what I will be feeling AFTER the funeral. I don't know...should I take her in the afternoon? She'd be kinda screwed for childcare...she is very understanding of the situation and she hasn't come right out and said that I need to be back to care for her in the afternoon, but she's been saying all kinds of other things like, "I can take the morning off and come over to your house and watch the children while you go. Or I can help out your mother-in-law until you get back". So she's basically offering this to put insurance on me coming home and making sure I take her daughter for the rest of the day. Obviously I am not going to take her up on that, and my MIL will watch my own children but not someone else's, so she HAS to find care for during that time, definitely, or just not work.

I already said that I'm probably going to be able to take her in the afternoon, whatever day it is, but does a "probably" tie me in when it's a funeral we're dealing with? I just don't know how I'm going to feel on the day of...

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I do think you need to give a definite yes or no to them today - not a "probably". But for me I would take the entire day. When parents sign up with me they know they need to have alternate care options - I do not provide substitutes, etc. and while I do not close often I expect my families to deal with finding their own back ups if I do need to. Do not make her problem your problem. Sorry to hear about your great-grandmother - so wonderful that she lived such a great, long life though!!

That said though, I don't usually close at all for funerals of aunts, uncles, non-relatives, etc. - I go to the viewing in the evening and if my DH can be home with the kids I will go to the services in the mornings. Only funerals I actually closed for were my sister in laws and the baby sister of one of my daycare kids. But I've never lost a grandparent while doing daycare so depending on relationship I would either just do the viewing at night or take the entire day.

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I am not sure what your contract/policies state, but I feel funerals qualify for emergency/personal days. I have unlimited emergency days listed in my contract. This includes when there is sickness or death in the family or even if, for some reason, we loose electricity or water due to state requirements. I have learned that parents will intimidate you with making you feel they have no other means of backup childcare, but that is not my problem. During the interview, I specify how they need to have backup child care in place. These are just some things my mentor has shared with me and, when implemented into my program, alleviates alot of stress.

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When you find out the day I would tell her you'll be busy with family for the entire day. I'm sorry for your loss. You're very lucky to have her in your life for so long. <3

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I think what stresses me out the most about this isn't that she'd have to rebook her appointments for her business, but rather that I'd be asking her to do that at very last minute. I mean, she passed away early Friday morning. It's Monday morning now. My mother guesses no later than Wednesday. I am such a hard-a*s in a lot of areas of day care but when it comes to expectations of the parents with last minute notice, I feel like that is MY problem. This is probably something I have to personally get over, but for me, if I found out today that the funeral would be say, Tuesday of next week, then I would have no problem taking the whole day off because she'll have had lots of time to plan for it. Whereas I'm essentially giving her less than 48 hours notice. That isnt cool with me. :-(

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I'm so sorry for your loss.

I also would not allow her to make her problems my problems. I would take the entire day. Funerals aren't just to honour the dead but also to support the living. Would your presence at the wake be meaningful to your parents? Your extended family?

I also require my parents to have backup care for just such emergencies. I don't close often (once in the last two years) so I don't feel guilt when I do have to close.

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I would take the whole day. Otherwise you are going to be consumed with time, focusing on how to get back in time for her kid to be dropped off.

I think its rude she would even make a big deal of it. I know its last minute notice but funerals are something you can not plan ahead for. I would be really upset she is treating you like this.

I tell every person interviewing they need 2 backup plans. That way when stuff like this comes up I know they were told part of enrollment included two back up plans.

I always think about it in the big picture. If this lady leaves your daycare in a month or something are you going to regret not being able to spend the whole day with your family. I have done too many favors for people and put them before myself and family and I don't do it anymore. In my house (and business) its family first, sorry for the inconvience.

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I think you should take the entire day off to spend with your extended family.

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I am sorry for your loss of your great-grandmother.

I personally would take the whole day if I felt that I would need it. I wouldn't want to have to worry during the funeral about whether I would be back in time for daycare kids. With in-home daycare, parents should have backup/sub that they can use in case of emergencies. A family funeral is a time when they should understand that they may need to make other arrangements for thier kids.

When I worked full time, I sent my boys to a daycare center because I did not want to have to worry about back up if my provider had an emergency. I would have gotten written up if I took more than 5 days in a year so, with my kids constantly being sick, there were no days I could take for the provider's issues. When parents choose an in-home childcare provider, it is part of the gig that they need to have back up care for emergencies.

As for the "probably" part, if this mom is like my kids, she most likely heard that "yes", you will be there to watch her child that afternoon. If the times don't work though when you get them today, I would not hesitate to tell her so. If the funeral ends up being later, I would not miss it because a parents wants to hear "yes" when you said "maybe".

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I really don't, either. Even on days when I have appointments or the kids have appointments, I schedule it for either as early or as late in the day as I can, and I still accept kids around it. I also schedule on the days when I have the least number of kids, usually Fridays since I only have this one full time DCG that we are talking about now.

I'm really being pressured now, I just got a call from another DCM, the one who is moving away the end of this week and this is the last week I have her daughter in care. She just called and chewed me out because I "haven't been keeping her up-to-speed on what's going on" and because of that, *I* need to find someone to watch the children because she can't take the day off.

...yes, you read that right. She just told me that she refuses to find alternate care and that I either have to ask my husband to take the day off work to keep both our kids AND my DCKs, or I have to accept that I will miss the funeral.

I told her that I can't give her any more information than I already know, which is nothing, and that I will probably know more later today. But she was PI**ED. I am really hoping it will be next week now since it is so late already...

Apparently her body has not even been moved from the nursing home yet. She has to go from the home to the hospital to the medical examiner, to the funeral home, etc. I don't know anything about the length of time needed to schedule a funeral. She will be cremated so there wouldn't be any time crunch, but knowing my mother and grandfather they will want to do it as soon as possible "just to get it over and done". So, I am torn. I had problems standing up to one parent over this, now I am getting it even worse from another parent. I am so depressed. :-(

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Now that is just ridiculous! She should have started looking for alternate care for her child the second she heard that there was a death in your family! These things are always last minute to find out the plans. No one can plan them around a work schedule. That is why many work places give employess 1 to 3 bereavement days depending on the closeness of the relationship. Or they allow personal days or vacation days to be used. Don't give into her, especially since this is her kid's last week with you. Who cares what she wants/needs!? Instead of being sympathetic because someone DIED, these people are trying to make you feel guilty about going to a FUNERAL! I never fail to be shocked by the selfishness of people.

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((HUGS)) I'm so sorry about your loss. And I'm also so sorry that your dcps are being pills about this. Especially the one chewing you out! That would be absolutely unacceptable to me and it's good she's moving because I'd be considering terming!

It does sound like there's a lot to have happen before the funeral will be happening. Take all the time that you need and certainly take the whole day of the funeral. With the way your dcps are treating you, the passive-aggressive side of my would be tempted to take a whole week, "mom needs help planning it" or something...it never ceases to amaze me when dcps don't understand that our lives extend beyond the daycare.

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HA! Yeah, there have been MANY things that has happened with this DCM that I have considered terming over but I always just brushed things that she did off as just being a complete airhead (confirmed by my husband and his parents since they knew her since she was a child). But since she told me she was moving away, she's been difficult and snarky and very short with me, trying to take advantage of me and completely losing her mind when I put my foot down when she tries to cross the line. Even sent me a very horrible email claiming I had no sympathy for her as a single mother who is going through a very trying time, both financially, mentally, and physically, and that because she had been with me "since the beginning" (meaning she was the first and only kid in my care between Sept. '11 and Jan. '12) that I should show her some preferential treatment. Uh, yeah. Right. Anyway, totally off the topic at hand but just to show you what sort of woman this is, she's only gotten worse and more hateful since she said she was moving. If DCG was here even 1 week more than she is now, I'd term right now.

As for the other mother, she's nicer about it anyway...passive aggressive is always nicer than straight-up aggression. ;-)

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Wow! Talk about rude and inconsiderate. If I were in your place, I would apologize for the inconvenience but plan to close the day of the funeral. I would let the day care parents know that I would update them on the day as soon as I had that information. (Even if I had planned to re-open after the funeral was over, I would change my mind after receiving a call like that!)

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First of all, the second DCM would be out right now if it were me. I'd just inform her that you're finished and that she can pick up her child's things today. She should be ashamed of herself for treating you that way over a death in the immediate family!

I agree with everyone else that you should probably just inform the first DCM that you need the whole day off, and will let her know asap which day it is when you know. It's Monday, so she'll have the whole day today and maybe tomorrow too to find an alternate.

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I am so sorry about your grandma

What is wrong with these people? For heaven's sake, your grandma died, of course you should take the whole day. Otherwise you will spend the whole time looking at the clock and being on edge instead of spending time with your family.

Daycare kids/parents come and go ~ family is forever.

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I too think you should take the whole day off, regardless of what the daycare parents are asking. It's a family member, and you might be more emotional than you think. Also, I too think you'd be spending the whole time watching the time instead of concentrating on what you're there for.

When I was in college, my great-grandma died right before finals week. When I found out when the funeral was, I immediately emailed my professor. I got back a blank response. And I emailed the grad assistant and didn't receive a response. So, I had to leave the funeral to drive 2 hours back to my college town and go take my final. I should be over it, but it still upsets me that I had to watch the time and leave when I should have been able to be with my family.

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I agree...Wow! I mean it's your great-grandmother for pete's sake. Yes, you take the whole day....let them figure it out. Why should you have to do it?

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yes (thats all that needed to be said, but it wouldnt let me post so few letters!)

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I appreciate everyone's feedback. I know a topic like this really ruffles provider's feathers. I have been venting to a friend of mine who lives about 20 minutes away from me (we're pretty rural) who also does in home care, and she said she'd take the second DCC if the funeral is this Wednesday or Thursday. I have Friday booked off completely as a personal day for doctor's appointments so if it's Friday it won't be an issue. At this point I doubt it will be tomorrow, there is no way a funeral home will throw together a funeral in 24 hours. So I totally appreciate that she offered that.

I just saw that the funeral home updated that they are taking over her funeral arrangements, so that must mean that she is in their care, but the only thing that is written in the write-up is her birth and death date, where she lived, and that "a private family graveside service will be held at a later date. So, do you think I can put all this stress out of my head and assume it won't be this week at all?

I really really appreciate all you guys' sympathies. They mean so much.

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Could you ask your mom or Grandfather to have the service on Friday or Saturday? Or how about asking your mother in law if she could watch the DCK (NOT the one moving) while she watches your kids? Even if they couldn't have the service on Friday or Sat. or your MIL couldn't watch the one DCK at least you can tell your DC parents you tried to make other arangements. I would take the whole day no matter when the service is.

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I have mentioned this to my mother, she just got really agitated and said, "It will be when it will be". So, I don't know. Funerals are not held on Saturdays here...I think the funeral home is the one who dictates when it will be, based on the availability of the officiant and if burial arrangements are fully made. Of course, I have no real idea.

I already mentioned my problem with my MIL. She will not look after any other children but my own, her grandchildren.

At this point everything is out of my hands. Which I hate. Not having control over something really blows.

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I'm so sorry this has happened for you. Things must work very differently there then here in the U.S.. My mother passed on a Friday, we met the very next morning with the director and figured everything out. We picked the time/day for the sevices and went from there.

I do know that I did have an issue with the food lady on Monday as I was closed for the week (not to the delight of some parents but...). She came for an inspection and of course I had no children present. The big question was why hadn't I called to tell her? UUMMM it wasn't the first thing I thought about doing after losing my mother.

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WOW, this sounds stressful. I would post this for my DCPs.
"My Great Grandmother has passed and I will be closed the day of the funeral. As soon as I am aware of the date I will tell you. Thank you for your understanding!"

I would not discuss it any further.

Be selfish.
I was a people pleaser for way too many years and still slip up somethimes.
Please yourself this time. Your family may want to get togerther after the funeral and you may regret having to get back to work.
Just go with it and take care of yourself.

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most families get together afterwards and even the evening before.

I would flat out say to all. MY grandmother died. I WILL be closing for the day As soo as I know what day I will let everyone know.

I may be closing early the day before also.



The parents need to understand and have back up care.


She will say again you need to be open in the afternoon... so practice ....... I am sorry that won't work for me......

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Since the service will be in the first part of the day, I would take the whole day off. There's no reason you can't spend time with your family for one parent who COULD make other arrangements.

Seriously... how dumb that she acts like there is NO OTHER WAY for her to deal with this problem. In less than 10 seconds I can think of several solutions for her.

Let her figure it out, she will come up with something. I have faith in her.

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I already mentioned my problem with my MIL. She will not look after any other children but my own, her grandchildren.

wow thats to bad. I would hope that she would do it just once so you can go and not worry. I'm sorry this is so stressful for you.

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This. I once arranged for my MIL to run the daycare while I was at the funeral and it stressed me out. I still had to leave early and I was just not present with the dc kids. It was awful.

Now, when someone dies, I take the whole day off. If they leave because of that, then oh well. The only thing that life promises is death. Anyone who doesn't understand a death is just an idiot or selfish. I don't work with either.

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Just heard from my Mum, she said the funeral home called my grandfather and said they won't discuss it now, but he is to go in tomorrow (Tuesday) morning at 11:30am and they will finalize everything then.

So not Tuesday and likely not Wednesday, either.

If it's Thursday that's DCG's last day with me. If I just said 'sorry, taking the day off, going to a funeral", I can see how that would go...

NO PAY! Since she pays me on the last day her daughter is here with me every week.

Really seriously, fingers crossed it's Friday. Mum is insistent that it will be this week.

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Take the entire day off.

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She won't pay you?????
Oh my! You are being much too nice honey.
I used to be just like this!
Put your foot down,

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I would send her an email saying she has no sympathy for you as a person who is going through loss. This has been a very trying time financially, mentally and physically ect. and that she has been with you "since the beginning" so she should show you some preferential treatment. People are ridiculous. I would just say, "well I'll make this easy on you. I'll just take the week off and then we won't have to worry about which day it will be."

Seriously, what is wrong with people. This is why I stopped working for other people. I got sick of people trying to guilt you into working but it appears that contracts are null and void in this industry as well.... I can't stand how much gull people have. They lay it all on you despite they have their own obligations to uphold and can't fathom how to do that or how someone could expect them to do that day to day.

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So, when is the funeral going to be? What did this lady say? Hopefully she realized she was being rude.

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Just found out late yesterday that it will be on Friday at 1:30. That is the day I had slated to take off anyway. What does that one mom who is ending this week do? But emailed me quite literally 30 minutes after I found out it is on Friday. At that point I hadnt bothered to tell anyone that it was Friday because no one needed to make sudden alternate arrangments...I had this booked off since January. Anyway, DCM sent an email to me and CC'd her daughter's father, and said, "we require care on Friday, so Thursday will not be DD's last day after all. Please confirm, DD's dad will pick her up."

I'm like...O_O are you effing KIDDING me?! First you got a written notice back in JANUARY of ALL my days off for the entire year, then you get an email at the beginning of the month reminding you that said day is coming up, then you tell me DCG's last day will be Thursday, now you are telling me you are disregarding all of these things?

I was very quick to respond, "I apologize, her last day will remain Thursday as discussed. Friday, which was booked off since January of this year and you have received a written notice regarding it, plus an email this month, ended up being the day of my great-grandmother's funeral...the one you could unfortunately not see fit to find alternate care for. Please respect my need to grieve. Please do not forget that my final pay of ($XX) dollars will be due when you pick DCG up on Thursday at 5:30pm."

SO done with her.

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Harsh reply but warranted I think, given the particular situation and her prior treatment of you.

I mean, the funeral aside...who does she think she is to just suddenly "require" care on Friday?! A day she SHOULD know you have off, and I bet she DOES know you have off? if you ask me. That's rude and presumptuous

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Wow...after all that, she thinks she can "require care" on a day you said you were taking off since January!!???? I would have been severely irked, too. I think the harshness was actually warranted after all the grief she has given you this week. What a piece of work she is! Congratulations on being done with her tomorrow!

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Absolutely take the whole day off! You lost a member of your family and deerve an entire day to grieve, remember your great grandmother, and be with your family.

I think people forget that we are human and have needs too. Of course you deserve, and should definitely take the entire day.

I am sorry for your loss- what a blessing to have had her in your life for so long!

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Oh yes, she's pulled this before. Like I said, I give all my parents a list of the days I am taking off for whatever reason in January or with their paperwork when they start care. She got it in January. The first time she pulled it she said she never saw any paper with that information on it. I informed her I had given her a hard paper copy and also emailed it. She claimed she never got the email. So I said I'd give her another copy and email her again. The second time she pulled it she said she did get both of the second copies but lost them in a move.

Another time she pulled it, she tried switching a day that she normally comes for a day she never comes. She called at the time DCG should have been arriving. When I told her I couldn't, she got upset and asked me what she was supposed to do, she didn't need care today but she did on the day she wanted to swap for. She said, "I thought you said in your contract that you swap days if we're part-time!" To which I responded, "Yes, I DO swap days, with 48 hours' notice, unless it's a family emergency, and ONLY if I have availability. As part-time, I can't guarantee availability."

She tried to weasel out of paying me for the days she had booked. She comes 2 days a week. She thought that since i couldn't swap her day that she was no longer obligated to pay for the day she didn't need. NO. WAY. J

Another issue, i emailed her twice and told her in person once that her daughter needed clean underwear for her box because she has small accidents, just enough to wet the undies. Yep, no problem. I sort of forgot about it, her grandmother dropped her off yesterday with no spare underwear. Of course her GM couldn't do anything about it so if they didn't want to care, neither did I. DCG ended up having another accident yesterday about an hour after she got here, so she had to go without underwear in clean shorts. When her mom picked her up and she questioned why she was in different shorts than she was in in the morning. When I told her she had another accident and no spare panties, she actually ARGUED with me about whether she brought spares or not. After talking about it for 2 minutes I had to go over to her box and rummage through it in front of her to show her that I was not lying. "Oh, well then I must have left them in the car". Good lord...

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When she picks her up on the last day make sure you let her know not to let the door hit her in the arse on the way out.

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