Daycare.com Forum
Parents and Guardians Forum>Not Comforting Child
Unregistered 05:24 AM 10-02-2012
My 16 month old has been attending a large child care center for about 6 months now. I really love it, and have no issues related to her care. All of the kids, except infants, get dropped off in a single room and then move to their respective rooms around 8 or so. This morning I noticed a little boy sitting at the table bawling and calling for his mother. The two teachers were just sitting at the table. As I was getting my daughter settled in, they were talking to him, but no one went over to him. Should I be bothered by this? Maybe it's a behavior they were trying to extinguish through ignoring? It just really bothered me- should it have? Should I say anything to the director, especially since this was the only time I've ever seen anything that bothered me like this? I just keep thinking about my little girl and wondering if anyone would confort her if she was having a hard time.
Heidi 07:23 AM 10-02-2012
I guess there are a lot of factors involved. How old was the child? How long has she been at the dc?
If it's a 3 year old who's been there for months, she could be having a temper tantrum because she wasn't allowed to bring something into the daycare (and crying for mommy is a famous technique to evoke sympathy).
Or-
Many children have a hard time with the "changing of the guard" at arrival and pick up, and act out. Most of try to comfort, but quite frankly, that sometimes encourages the behavior. A lot of times, we wait until the crying has stopped, and THEN go greet the child. We want them to feel welcome, but that behavior is not ok.
Now, if this is the kiddo's first weeks, then she certainly needed comfort. Maybe they'd already cuddled and talked to her, though, and as you said, now are trying to cut-to-the-chase. In group care, one honestly can't just sit with one child for hours and comfort them. So, you cuddle a bit, soothe, then move on and check in every once in a while.
Does that make sense? It's not about being cold or mean, honestly, although sometimes it could appear that way.
If it's a 3 year old who's been there for months, she could be having a temper tantrum because she wasn't allowed to bring something into the daycare (and crying for mommy is a famous technique to evoke sympathy).
Or-
Many children have a hard time with the "changing of the guard" at arrival and pick up, and act out. Most of try to comfort, but quite frankly, that sometimes encourages the behavior. A lot of times, we wait until the crying has stopped, and THEN go greet the child. We want them to feel welcome, but that behavior is not ok.
Now, if this is the kiddo's first weeks, then she certainly needed comfort. Maybe they'd already cuddled and talked to her, though, and as you said, now are trying to cut-to-the-chase. In group care, one honestly can't just sit with one child for hours and comfort them. So, you cuddle a bit, soothe, then move on and check in every once in a while.
Does that make sense? It's not about being cold or mean, honestly, although sometimes it could appear that way.
Cat Herder 08:27 AM 10-02-2012
Some children require a certain amount of personal space upon first arrival and will approach the provider or other kids when they are ready for their attention. This is especially true of children with sensory disorders. If we try to force the issue before they are ready it can quickly spiral into a much worse scenario.
IME, it is impossible to ignore a child that wants your complete attention right now.
Also try to imagine having about 15-30 people walking in and out of your work environment every day while you are in the middle of something else. What would they see and possibly not understand? It is not always black and white. I bet if you asked the provider she'd tell you about the techniques she uses, she just is not allowed to tell you specific details about the particular child.
IME, it is impossible to ignore a child that wants your complete attention right now.
Also try to imagine having about 15-30 people walking in and out of your work environment every day while you are in the middle of something else. What would they see and possibly not understand? It is not always black and white. I bet if you asked the provider she'd tell you about the techniques she uses, she just is not allowed to tell you specific details about the particular child.
EntropyControlSpecialist 08:31 AM 10-02-2012
Originally Posted by Heidi:
I guess there are a lot of factors involved. How old was the child? How long has she been at the dc?
If it's a 3 year old who's been there for months, she could be having a temper tantrum because she wasn't allowed to bring something into the daycare (and crying for mommy is a famous technique to evoke sympathy).
Or-
Many children have a hard time with the "changing of the guard" at arrival and pick up, and act out. Most of try to comfort, but quite frankly, that sometimes encourages the behavior. A lot of times, we wait until the crying has stopped, and THEN go greet the child. We want them to feel welcome, but that behavior is not ok.
Now, if this is the kiddo's first weeks, then she certainly needed comfort. Maybe they'd already cuddled and talked to her, though, and as you said, now are trying to cut-to-the-chase. In group care, one honestly can't just sit with one child for hours and comfort them. So, you cuddle a bit, soothe, then move on and check in every once in a while.
Does that make sense? It's not about being cold or mean, honestly, although sometimes it could appear that way.
I agree with this all of this.I guess there are a lot of factors involved. How old was the child? How long has she been at the dc?
If it's a 3 year old who's been there for months, she could be having a temper tantrum because she wasn't allowed to bring something into the daycare (and crying for mommy is a famous technique to evoke sympathy).
Or-
Many children have a hard time with the "changing of the guard" at arrival and pick up, and act out. Most of try to comfort, but quite frankly, that sometimes encourages the behavior. A lot of times, we wait until the crying has stopped, and THEN go greet the child. We want them to feel welcome, but that behavior is not ok.
Now, if this is the kiddo's first weeks, then she certainly needed comfort. Maybe they'd already cuddled and talked to her, though, and as you said, now are trying to cut-to-the-chase. In group care, one honestly can't just sit with one child for hours and comfort them. So, you cuddle a bit, soothe, then move on and check in every once in a while.
Does that make sense? It's not about being cold or mean, honestly, although sometimes it could appear that way.
BABYLUVER 10:19 PM 10-02-2012
Agree with the above posts.
Also, I have had children in my care who would cry for mommy for about 5 minutes and then stop if I just didn't engage in conversation with them. Sometimes, they don't need to hear mommy will be back after work or a bunch of "Aww" type comments. Sometimes, they just need the door to close, to cry it out and they'll come to play on their own. Sometimes, it's that the child got into trouble and the water-works began. Some kids are VERY tricky little ones and try to make one feel bad. The point is, we don't really know by observing one, what 5 or 10 minute incident where a child is crying and not being hovered over, that something is "wrong". I'm not a hovering parent, myself, so to see a child crying wouldn't bother me.
Every situation is very unique and I'm sure it was something that the providers/parent know how to handle the appropriate way for that individual situation with that particular child.
Also, I have had children in my care who would cry for mommy for about 5 minutes and then stop if I just didn't engage in conversation with them. Sometimes, they don't need to hear mommy will be back after work or a bunch of "Aww" type comments. Sometimes, they just need the door to close, to cry it out and they'll come to play on their own. Sometimes, it's that the child got into trouble and the water-works began. Some kids are VERY tricky little ones and try to make one feel bad. The point is, we don't really know by observing one, what 5 or 10 minute incident where a child is crying and not being hovered over, that something is "wrong". I'm not a hovering parent, myself, so to see a child crying wouldn't bother me.
Every situation is very unique and I'm sure it was something that the providers/parent know how to handle the appropriate way for that individual situation with that particular child.
dave4him 06:31 AM 10-03-2012
If i let crying children bother me, not so sure i could handle six at a time... not that they are all crying at once but sometimes it does feel that way. I have way more patience than a lot of people i know
Unregistered 06:56 AM 10-03-2012
I don't know the whole story, and since I've never seen anything alarming before, it's silly for this to bother me. I work at a day program for adults with mr and have had people walk through and then later question something I was doing or something that was happening, and I was frustrated that they didn't know what had immediately happened before the incident. I didn't even think about that. Thanks
angelicpretty 10:00 PM 10-03-2012
I agree with everything others have said: you don't know the child, their personality, or the situation. We have a 17 month old who throws fits, for example when a toy is taken away or its time to move on to a new activity, etc. The best thing to do is ignore the tantrum/crying until she calms down and is ready to move on. She is always fine within 10 minutes. If someone walked by, it would probably look like we are ignoring a child when in reality we are responding appropriately to this child and her personality. As long as our children are fed, clean, and safe, they are going to be given the space they need to calm down and they will be welcomed back into the group when they are ready. It's not fair for you to judge when you don't spend all day with the kids and have gotten to really know them.
nanglgrl 10:14 PM 10-03-2012
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I don't know the whole story, and since I've never seen anything alarming before, it's silly for this to bother me. I work at a day program for adults with mr and have had people walk through and then later question something I was doing or something that was happening, and I was frustrated that they didn't know what had immediately happened before the incident. I didn't even think about that. Thanks
How wonderful that you were able to listen to other opinions, "put the shoe on the other foot", remain open minded about the situation and change your view. It's a wonderful quality to possess. I don't know the whole story, and since I've never seen anything alarming before, it's silly for this to bother me. I work at a day program for adults with mr and have had people walk through and then later question something I was doing or something that was happening, and I was frustrated that they didn't know what had immediately happened before the incident. I didn't even think about that. Thanks
DBug 04:07 AM 10-04-2012
I've had several tantrum-ers over the years, where the same situation has happened many times -- I've been ignoring the tantrum, but it could very well look like I'm being cold and uncaring.
I have had no problem with it when a parent or passerby has said "Oh dear, is this little one having a rough day?". I've always explained the situation and they understand.
If you're ever concerned or worried again, I'd say something similar to the caregivers. You'll be able to tell by their reaction whether it's a situation you need to discuss further with the director.
I have had no problem with it when a parent or passerby has said "Oh dear, is this little one having a rough day?". I've always explained the situation and they understand.
If you're ever concerned or worried again, I'd say something similar to the caregivers. You'll be able to tell by their reaction whether it's a situation you need to discuss further with the director.
cheerfuldom 05:55 AM 10-04-2012
If this is the only alarming thing you have seen in 6 months, count your blessings OP!
I agree with the rest of the posters. There were teachers right there with this child, he/she was not alone and not being ignored. Just because they werent being picked up and physically comforted does not mean they were not being attended to. Additionally, many centers have strict rules about what workers can do as far as physically comforting a child. I know its sad but they may not be necessarily "allowed" to do some of the things you might do as a mother if your child was crying. Something to consider.
I agree with the rest of the posters. There were teachers right there with this child, he/she was not alone and not being ignored. Just because they werent being picked up and physically comforted does not mean they were not being attended to. Additionally, many centers have strict rules about what workers can do as far as physically comforting a child. I know its sad but they may not be necessarily "allowed" to do some of the things you might do as a mother if your child was crying. Something to consider.