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  #1  
Old 01-25-2013, 12:45 PM
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Default Child Care Provider Going Through Divorce...

As a parent...how would you feel if your child care provider were going through a divorce? Would you feel your child would be affected?

As a provider that has gone through a divorce...did you lose any families during the process?

I have been a child care provider for 5 years, and this week my husband moved out. It was expected, but I am worried what the DCFs will think when they find out? I hope that they don't think that this will effect my ability to provide quality child care...just nervous for their reaction...
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Old 01-25-2013, 12:52 PM
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I'm sorry you are going through a rough time. I hope this change brings a new fresh start and exciting new opportunities.

I wouldn't mention it honestly. It is not their business and doesn't effect them or their kids at all.
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Old 01-25-2013, 12:53 PM
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Honestly, I don't think it's any of their business, unless you are a mess because of it and it DOES affect you doing your job. If your spouse is anything like mine, he is never here when families drop off or pick up anyway, so that wouldn't change for him. They usually seem surprised if they DO see him...

I don't think I would even mention it to them. It really has nothing to do with them and as long as you are still able and capable of providing the same level of care to their children, why do they need to know anyway?

As a parent, I might feel bad, but I don't think it would change my opinion of my provider.

Hoped that helped. Either way,, sending you (((hugs))). Even if it was expected, it's not always easy...
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Old 01-25-2013, 01:11 PM
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Are you ok? I am sorry that this is happening to you.

It isn't any of their business unless
a) you can't manage because you are so distraught.
b) you might have to sell your home and get other work (close the daycare)
c) you will need to miss lots of care for meetings related to your marriage breakup
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Old 01-25-2013, 01:16 PM
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Absolutely none of my clients (9 families in all, 12 kids) left when they found out I would be divorcing my cheating, lying, stealing, narcissist of a husband. He was my assistant, too, so I HAD to tell them something 2 days after he had been missing. It was quite obvious. This was just in mid-December.
I LET one family go because their child stressed me out too much and I didn't need that.

I wanted to make sure that they knew "little" marriage troubles were not the reason for their child's other caretaker being removed from the equation so I said, "I just discovered Mr. ____ cheated on me with many, many, many, many people and took all of our family's money. Due to this, he is no longer welcome in our home and we will be getting a divorce." They understood that this wasn't some little spat and we were very done, since I am a conservative Christian woman who truly values upstanding Christian character (they KNOW this about me).
This DID change my business hours in the morning. I could no longer offer an early drop off for those that needed it free of charge. I could only offer it every other day due to my son's school schedule (his school is 20 miles away with no closer option!). This week, I changed my schedule so I am no longer offering early drop off or late pick up. I am strictly 8-5, and I am only having 1 family leave (because they NEED 11 hour days). 4 other families used early drop off but are willing to figure out a way to work with it.
I have found that being honest, but not too personal, really works well. They know they can trust you to be forthcoming and you also get their support during a difficult time for you. Not that you need hot cocoa, tissues, and hugs coming your way from clients (LOL) but a little bit of understanding does go a long way when you're having to go through a divorce.

In a month I will have to announce that I am pregnant (I discovered 10 days after I kicked him out and filed for divorce) once I hit the 2nd trimester and I am nervous for that. If you aren't pregnant, I wouldn't worry.


Also, if you can have someone come in and asisst you for the first few weeks I would highly suggest doing so. I had my Mom here for the 1.5 weeks I was open before Christmas Break and it was so helpful. I had to make a lot of phone calls (but mine is a messy divorce) and I sometimes just needed to go to the bathroom and cry. Help makes all of the difference in the beginning. So many hugs.
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Old 01-25-2013, 01:20 PM
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I would be honest. Because you may need a shoulder to cry on and sometimes the parents will be the most comforting of all.
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Old 01-25-2013, 01:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by countrymom View Post
I would be honest. Because you may need a shoulder to cry on and sometimes the parents will be the most comforting of all.
I would not do that. I really wouldn't. It blurs the lines too much.

Find some good friends to reach out to. If you need to, message me when you need to vent. I have had a whole host of emotions to process through. The most helpful people have been some mommy friends of mine on a mommy message board.
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Old 01-25-2013, 01:31 PM
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I am not upset...this really should have happened a long time ago, but we just kept trying to make it work. And it's not my first rodeo...my first marriage lasted 5 years...at least this one made it to 7...who knows, maybe the third times a charm... I am bummed, but in no way does this show during business hours.
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Old 01-25-2013, 01:54 PM
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I would let them know that yes you are going through a divorce and there maybe times you will need an assistant/take a day off if you are needing to go to court.

My husband work in the domestic court and boy there are all types of divorces-civil to right down nasty ones. Being the court fasilitator, he see it all.

Also, know divorces can take awhile-my parents took 10 years before every thing was finalized. Yes-10 years-I had my first child before it was all done and over with.

So I would let them know what is going on and then be done with it.
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Old 01-25-2013, 02:14 PM
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I am sorry you are going through this....even though it is amicable, if there are children involved, it can get tough.

Personally, I wouldn't tell my DC parents anything... but I am also VERY good at keeping my private life very separate from my work life.

I actually have a couple DC parents right now that do not know the names/ages of my own children. Only that I have 2 and they no longer live at home.

Depending on how "personal" you normally get with parents, I wouldn't tell them unless it affects your ability to continue providing the same level of care you normally do.
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Old 01-25-2013, 02:15 PM
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I went through one about 3-4 years ago. Even though he didn't really have caretaking duties of the kiddos, he was home a lot during the winter months (he worked construction and for a moving company so it would be slow). I did tell the parents, at the Easter party.
I just wanted to let them know, and to know that it would not affect my role as their provider.
I did not lose one family and they did not seem worried about my caretaking abilities either. It was a situation like yours where I was expecting it someday (actually secretly hoping), but still trying to make it work.
My emotions I kept away from the kiddos and it didn't affect me. I think I cried twice in front of the kids for a few minutes. I told them I was sad (good for the kids to know we have feelings too) and left it at that.
I did lose a family one time, only because of my foot having issues. Ok, I digress.
IMO, you know your families and your situation so only you can decide best how they would take it if you were to tell them. Otherwise, no, none of their business.
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  #12  
Old 01-25-2013, 02:41 PM
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I can't see myself being able to continue to provide daycare if my marriage were to end. My income as a caregiver wouldn't pay for this house and neither would whatever child support my husband would contribute since our kids are 21, 19 and 15.

Luckily that isn't the only reason I stay with him.
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Old 01-25-2013, 03:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by canadiancare View Post
I can't see myself being able to continue to provide daycare if my marriage were to end. My income as a caregiver wouldn't pay for this house and neither would whatever child support my husband would contribute since our kids are 21, 19 and 15.

Luckily that isn't the only reason I stay with him.
This is why I feel extremely blessed. Not only was I able to take over the rent at the time and support myself, I was able to buy my own house within 3 months after the divorce, as I was being kicked out of the duplex I lived in. (I was actually waiting for the divorce so I could buy a house.)

I now have my successful business and my own house, with the whole lower level just for the daycare. It is by far nothing fancy at all (in fact, sorta a little fixer upper), but it is mine and I am so blessed. I obviously had to find something in my range, which as a caregiver is low, but sometimes it's better than the stress of being in a bad relationship.
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Old 01-25-2013, 03:14 PM
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PolkaTots,

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a tough row to hoe, I've learned from experience.

Make a point to always have a good front when parents come. If you don't tell them why, they will eventually ask. They will especially want to be assured that thier child was not at risk while he was there. I had a couple parents ask me that questions.

Keep your answer short and sweet. They don't really need to hear the saga.

Keep your chin up.

EntropyControlSpecialist: You wrote my story right there. Ever go to survivinginfidelity.com? Great place to get support.
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Old 01-25-2013, 04:13 PM
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I am sorry for this difficult situation you are facing. ((((HUGS))))

I would leave reasons, personal feelings, etc out of it. Just matter of fact. Maybe in a letter? that you are only telling them to reassure them that your ability to provide care isn't going to change.

My concerns as a parent would be:
reliability-can my provider maintain her current living situation on one income
emotional distress that causes her to not do as good of a job as before.

My dh is around a LOT and the kids adore him and ask for him constantly SO the kids/parents would notice in 1-2 days and inquire about him. If your husband wasn't, I might wait until the separation was legal, and THEN inform them.
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Old 01-25-2013, 04:29 PM
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First of all, let me say that I am so sorry you are facing this. Even if it is something that should have happened long ago, it is a difficult time in anyone's life.

I was faced with a life changing illness last year. While it didn't impact my marriage, it did impact me as a person. I was very honest with my dcfs at the time, and was therefore able to address their concerns immediately, and they also understood if sometimes I was a hot mess (not really that bad...). They actually became a very strong support system for me while I was ill.

In my case, my husband is quite involved with the dc, even though he has his own full time job. As a result, I know the dcfs would be concerned if we were to separate. In your case, it really depends on how involved your husband was in your day-to-day, and if it is going to impact your future standing in your home.

Again, I am sending you strength and well wishes during this transition. While I don't know you, I have followed you through this forum, and I am pretty sure you are a tough cookie who will prevail!
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Old 01-26-2013, 10:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by canadiancare View Post
I can't see myself being able to continue to provide daycare if my marriage were to end. My income as a caregiver wouldn't pay for this house and neither would whatever child support my husband would contribute since our kids are 21, 19 and 15.

Luckily that isn't the only reason I stay with him.
Continuing to keep busy and work is actually extremely helpful. Plus, what I make a provider is more than what a schoolteacher makes so I am more than able to provide for all of my bills myself so it would be stupid to quit.

You would be surprised at what you're capable of doing when YOU are the provider for your family.
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Old 01-26-2013, 10:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by grandmom View Post
PolkaTots,

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a tough row to hoe, I've learned from experience.

Make a point to always have a good front when parents come. If you don't tell them why, they will eventually ask. They will especially want to be assured that thier child was not at risk while he was there. I had a couple parents ask me that questions.

Keep your answer short and sweet. They don't really need to hear the saga.

Keep your chin up.

EntropyControlSpecialist: You wrote my story right there. Ever go to survivinginfidelity.com? Great place to get support.
I haven't ever been there. I actually don't even wish to continue talking about his infidelity much beyond telling people he WAS unfaithful when they ask about our divorce. I'm healing pretty well right now.
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Old 01-27-2013, 11:32 AM
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When I did fcc the first time I went through a divorce and not one parent batted an eye. It all worked out fine! Some were happy for me!

Hope all works out for you. While I had a very easy and amicable divorce I still prepared for it mentally beforehand because I knew there could and would be obstacles (money issues, kid issues, dating again, etc).

While I had a fairly friendly divorce there still were stessors. Take good care of yourself and rely on your support systems (family and friends) and listen to your lawyer-I didn't necessarily take all my lawyers advice and it was a mistake.

{HUGS} and well wishes to you through this time of transition.
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Old 01-27-2013, 05:26 PM
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First, Hugs!

Second, yes. I went through a divorce while doing daycare. I didn't loose any families...

Funny story...DCM came in and said:

"Did your husband change hours at work? I'm not bumping in to him in the morning anymore."

He had in fact changed jobs so I said, "He's working at such and such now."

Son walks in, he was eight and said...

"Yeah, and he doesn't live here anymore."

Awkward!!!! But it was fine, everyone was really supportive. That said, I did slip it in to coversation with the other parents, but always with a smile and never with any details at all other than to say all was well.

Good luck and take care of yourself!
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Old 01-27-2013, 10:06 PM
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I'm so sorry! I can't imagine the stress you are under.

I think that if you work really hard at it, and keep it together, they will not feel like it's a problem. If you are letting this get the best of you, and the kids and parents notice it, then maybe. But, I kind of doubt they will have a big problem with it.

I would tell the parents when you are ready to tell them. But, don't let it look like you are an emotional wreck. Just make sure they see that you can handle this. Make sure the kids don't see you fall apart. It's scary to them if you are having a hard time. (noticeably hard time)

You can fall apart, and have a hard time here though. It's sometimes great therapy.
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Old 01-28-2013, 09:58 AM
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I got divorced years ago. All of my daycare parents knew about it. The parents that I was closer with knew more of the details of what had happened to lead to the divorce. It did not affect my daycare business at all. Most of my parents or daycare children had never even seen my (at that time) husband. He typically was already out of the house on his way to work before I opened and he typically didn't come home from work until after I closed. He packed his things up and moved out of the house over the weekend. So the daycare wasn't affected by his moving out.

Honestly, as long as the daycare lady keeps the house and business continues as usual, I don't see why it would matter to your daycare parents that you are getting divorced. Now, if your spouse is very involved in the daycare, if you and your spouse are displaying your maritial problems during daycare hours, or the spouse moves out during the daycare hours, then it would concern the daycare parents. But if you keep your personal life seperate from the business, no one should care about the divorce.
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Old 01-28-2013, 02:09 PM
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(Hugs and virtual support)

As a parent, I would say if/how much you tell them depends on how friendly you normally are and how much your soon-to-be-ex was around the daycare before.

My current provider only cares for my daughter and an infant, both part time, so it's a pretty friendly, casual atmosphere. She's a heart on her sleeve sort of person and we usually chat for a couple minutes at drop off and pick-up. I imagine if she was going through a divorce it would be obvious something was upsetting her. Her husband also works a slightly atypical schedule so I'm used to seeing him around at least one day/week when I pick up DD and he's pretty involved with all the kids. Their own two boys and my daughter are all old enough (2.5yo-6yo) that I can imagine one of her sons saying something to my daughter who would then likely repeat it to me.

Long story short, I think eventually clues would start adding up and I'd begin to guess that something was going on. I wouldn't expect details but in the back of my mind I would probably wonder if she would have to move, change schedules, etc. The divorce itself wouldn't make me change my mind about her caring for my daughter... if anything I would want to be supportive.

You may want to give your parents a very brief, matter of fact head ups: "Just so you're aware, XX and I are getting a divorce. I do not intend to move or change schedules and, while this may be personally difficult to me at times, it will not affect my ability to remain professional and continue giving the children entrusted to me the exceptional care I have always offered." I'd also try to meet with your ex during non-daycare times, just because parents may be concerned about arguments in front of their children since not all divorces are amicable.
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