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  #1  
Old 06-16-2010, 12:31 PM
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Default No Appreciation

If anything goes wrong with the child, it's always the provider's fault. It couldn't possibly be the food, the schedule, the discipline techniques of the parents. No, it's always the provider's fault. I love each one of the children in my care and treat them as well if not better than even my own children. I'm so sad that I don't get the appreciation...
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Old 06-16-2010, 03:26 PM
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I don't have my own kids yet so I can't say the same but I treat my dckids pretty awesome. I actually feel sad about the lack of appreciation I get from the KIDS, not their parents. I have some pretty appreciative parents so I'm fortunate.
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Old 06-16-2010, 04:01 PM
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I know it can hurt, but try not to take it so personal. Most working Moms suffer from "Mothers Guilt" and sometimes you are the only one she can take it out on..... It is all a catch 22 for them...

I have listened to their Husbands/Boyfriends ask them why they can't discipline like I do, why their house isn't as clean, why dinner is never ready on time like it is here...some have even gone as far as to mention weight/physical attributes. In my house!!! That sucks.... Can you imagine what is said to them at home?

I have Moms who's kids scream when they are trying to pick them up..... Their "friends" tell them they are less "Motherly" because they have to work... Their Mother-in-Laws tell them they are not good enough... Their Boss tells them more lates or absenses and they are fired.....

Sometimes they just really need something they can control.....and sometimes you are it. I usually smile and ask .."Bad day?" and they respond with tears.... We have all been there...

A lot of the time it is an easy fix like letting them pick up a little later to catch up on housework, go to the gym, go back to school, etc. a couple days a week... Offer a "Friday date night" every couple months to help rebuild strained marriages or offer info on how to leave a bad one. We are on the same team!!!!! Sometimes, I swear, 50% of my job is Big Sister.....Really!!!!

I admit there are those Mothers who will complain with everything just because they are generally mean people whom enjoy making other people feel inferior...but I have not missed any of those after I let them walk... I also have helped enough people, that know my heart, to not have those people affect my reputation.....

Stay strong, chin up and know those kids appreciate you!!!!
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Old 06-16-2010, 07:29 PM
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Golden Rule - You are so right about the mother's guilt. For those of us who are moms, we know that no matter how "perfect" we are, WE will always see how much better we could be. It's the mother's curse - guilt!

However, there does seem to be a war going on between mother's (at-home moms vs. working moms). The strange thing is that DC providers ARE working moms, but our DCMs often forget this part. All they see is that we are "lucky" because we get to stay home with our kids, don't have to deal with bosses and the office BS, commute, etc. Then on top of that, we get paid for this "awesome, cushy, SWEET" job. It doesn't matter if they would not be able to handle being with their kids all day, every day (yes, I have had many, many parents tell me that). To them, I am living the dream life. That makes me "lucky" to them. So they are jealous and people get really weird when they are jealous.

So when someone blames you for screwing up their kid, just smile to yourself, knowing that she is only saying that because deep down she knows that you are spending more time with her kid than she is, she's afraid of how much her kid loves you (irrational fear of being replaceable), is jealous of your life (and your ability to be a supermom), etc. It's only HER insecurity. Plus, if she thinks you're doing such a horrible job, she would be gone already.
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Old 06-16-2010, 07:32 PM
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FYI - Although many of my clients see me as "lucky", I do not. Although I am honored to be a work-at-home-mom and I LOVE my job, "luck" had nothing to do with it. I planned all of this very carefully. I'm sure most of you did too.
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Old 06-16-2010, 07:49 PM
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Default Unnappreciated

Basically, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. If we aren't good enough, then we get crap for not being good at our job as a provider. I can understand that. Unfortunately, we also can be given crap for being too good at our job as a provider. It really does boil down to "mommy guilt" and as much as I understand that, it's not any less painful to feel unappreciated. I just try to keep my head up and know that I'm doing my job to the best of my ability and I like it that way. If parents feel needless guilt because they feel like they should be the ones with their kids all day so they take it out on me for doing my job well, then that is their problem and I owe it to my daycare kids and myself to continue to do my best. The parents who are angry about it now will thank me later. Try to keep that in mind. If you weren't good enough, you'd allready be replaced.
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Old 06-16-2010, 07:52 PM
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Default Lucky...

It's all relative. I'd bet there are plenty of people out there who wouldn't consider being a daycare provider a "lucky" profession. The parents who really understand all that goes into the job know that "luck" has nothing to do with it. The really great providers have the skills!
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Old 06-16-2010, 08:07 PM
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I agree that we are not "lucky" - I'm glad you pointed it out Professionalmom! This is a demanding CAREER and I, like most of you, have worked hard to build a successful business in addition to providing one of them most important services there are - the rewarding but challenging task of caring for groups of young children. I LOVE my work, I LOVE being home with my children, I LOVE the freedoms I have and the fact that I have no commute, etc. but it didn't come by luck. You're right that many people do think that though - if they really put any thought into it, they'd realize that the opposite is true.

In another sense though, I AM lucky. I have, and for the most part always have had, very appreciative families. They all value me as their partner in caring for and raising their children. They show me, daily, that they appreciate and respect me - through their actions and their words. I LOVE my families, and I appreciate them as much as they do me. So, I AM lucky in that way....I wish every provider was, WE ALL deserve to be treated as the Professionals that we are.
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Old 06-17-2010, 06:50 AM
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Originally Posted by professionalmom View Post
Golden Rule - You are so right about the mother's guilt. For those of us who are moms, we know that no matter how "perfect" we are, WE will always see how much better we could be. It's the mother's curse - guilt!
I gotta disagree on this one. I think the popular culture response is attribution of parental behavior as "mothers guilt" or "fathers guilt" but I don't think that's really a common "feeling" anymore. Some Mom's may have it but I think it's actually quite rare.

What the OP described is: If anything goes wrong with the child, it's always the provider's fault. It couldn't possibly be the food, the schedule, the discipline techniques of the parents. No, it's always the provider's fault. I love each one of the children in my care and treat them as well if not better than even my own children. I'm so sad that I don't get the appreciation...

Parents feed kids junk food or fast food because it is EASIER to do that at the moment. Going home and preparing a fresh, healthy, meal and expecting your child to eat it is WORK. You have to have many many meals... meal after meal.. where your child is exposed to healthy food, sitting at a table, having table manners, EATING without fussing or wanting something else, not giving snacks to ruin the appetite etc. in order for a healthy diet to happen. Giving junk diets and "snack" diets is SO MUCH EASIER in EVERY way. THIS is why it is popular. The kids like to eat it, they don't fuss for something else, it takes little to no prep time... IT'S EASY.

Schedule: Kids on crappy schedules are allowed it because it is easier for the parent to do what they want when they want without minding a family based on the kids needs. It's easier to allow them to stay up when they need to be in bed because the kid doesn't fuss when they are allowed to do what they want to do. Parents allow messed up schedules because it's EASIER than the fight it takes and the self discipline it takes to keep your family on a good schedule and INSIST that children follow it.

Discipline: Parents allow kids to misbehave and rule their lives because at the moment it is EASIER for the parent. Giving a yes to the child gives the parents a YES on avoiding the conflict and the process it takes to get the kid to accept it and DO what they are told. Parents aren't allowing their kid to misbehave for the sake of the kid. They are doing it so the PARENT doesn't have to deal with the child's behavior.

What parents of today are suffering with isn't guilt. It's the consequence of "at the moment YES" parenting. A yes to the child + a yes to the parent = chaos in the family.

How do you spot a true "guilty parent"? Parents who "feel guilty" about being away from their children spend as much time as the possibly can WITH their children in order to make up for it. They don't take days off of work without their children home with them. They don't bring them early to day care so they can stop and get gas and coffee. They don't leave them in day care to the last possible minute day after day so they can "do errands". They spend their vacation days with their children and take their children on the vacations they go on. They keep their child home with THEM with the kid is sick and even when the parent is sick. They don't have evening babysitters and they don't have "grandma" or someone else caring for them on the weekends.

THAT'S the profile of a guilty parent. A parent who is guilty because they don't have the "time" with their kid makes up for it in time. A parent who has significant amount of awake TIME with their children are much less likely to allow poor eating habits, poor schedules, little discipline.

We need to stop attributing "guilt" where guilt is not present. Guilt is emotional and acceptable in our society. It's a way off the hook for accountability. It's the same kind of cultural response as "quality" time. There's no such thing as quality time. These kinds of societal responses allow a lack of accountability for your part in the true raising of your children. There's a HUGE difference between "guilt" parenting and "yes" parenting.

The LAST solution for YES parenting is to offer to take the kid for the parent to give them a break. That's the worse thing you can do. The best thing you can do is encourage the parent to MAN up and BE present for their child. There's no easy answer out of this because it was caused by easy in the first place.
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  #10  
Old 06-17-2010, 07:03 AM
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Originally Posted by nannyde View Post
I gotta disagree on this one. I think the popular culture response is attribution of parental behavior as "mothers guilt" or "fathers guilt" but I don't think that's really a common "feeling" anymore. Some Mom's may have it but I think it's actually quite rare.

What the OP described is: If anything goes wrong with the child, it's always the provider's fault. It couldn't possibly be the food, the schedule, the discipline techniques of the parents. No, it's always the provider's fault. I love each one of the children in my care and treat them as well if not better than even my own children. I'm so sad that I don't get the appreciation...

Parents feed kids junk food or fast food because it is EASIER to do that at the moment. Going home and preparing a fresh, healthy, meal and expecting your child to eat it is WORK. You have to have many many meals... meal after meal.. where your child is exposed to healthy food, sitting at a table, having table manners, EATING without fussing or wanting something else, not giving snacks to ruin the appetite etc. in order for a healthy diet to happen. Giving junk diets and "snack" diets is SO MUCH EASIER in EVERY way. THIS is why it is popular. The kids like to eat it, they don't fuss for something else, it takes little to no prep time... IT'S EASY.

Schedule: Kids on crappy schedules are allowed it because it is easier for the parent to do what they want when they want without minding a family based on the kids needs. It's easier to allow them to stay up when they need to be in bed because the kid doesn't fuss when they are allowed to do what they want to do. Parents allow messed up schedules because it's EASIER than the fight it takes and the self discipline it takes to keep your family on a good schedule and INSIST that children follow it.

Discipline: Parents allow kids to misbehave and rule their lives because at the moment it is EASIER for the parent. Giving a yes to the child gives the parents a YES on avoiding the conflict and the process it takes to get the kid to accept it and DO what they are told. Parents aren't allowing their kid to misbehave for the sake of the kid. They are doing it so the PARENT doesn't have to deal with the child's behavior.

What parents of today are suffering with isn't guilt. It's the consequence of "at the moment YES" parenting. A yes to the child + a yes to the parent = chaos in the family.

How do you spot a true "guilty parent"? Parents who "feel guilty" about being away from their children spend as much time as the possibly can WITH their children in order to make up for it. They don't take days off of work without their children home with them. They don't bring them early to day care so they can stop and get gas and coffee. They don't leave them in day care to the last possible minute day after day so they can "do errands". They spend their vacation days with their children and take their children on the vacations they go on. They keep their child home with THEM with the kid is sick and even when the parent is sick. They don't have evening babysitters and they don't have "grandma" or someone else caring for them on the weekends.

THAT'S the profile of a guilty parent. A parent who is guilty because they don't have the "time" with their kid makes up for it in time. A parent who has significant amount of awake TIME with their children are much less likely to allow poor eating habits, poor schedules, little discipline.

We need to stop attributing "guilt" where guilt is not present. Guilt is emotional and acceptable in our society. It's a way off the hook for accountability. It's the same kind of cultural response as "quality" time. There's no such thing as quality time. These kinds of societal responses allow a lack of accountability for your part in the true raising of your children. There's a HUGE difference between "guilt" parenting and "yes" parenting.

The LAST solution for YES parenting is to offer to take the kid for the parent to give them a break. That's the worse thing you can do. The best thing you can do is encourage the parent to MAN up and BE present for their child. There's no easy answer out of this because it was caused by easy in the first place.
I totally agree with you on all of this. I used to be a single mom, I was always feeling guilty for not being with my daughter and I worked 4 days/week, on my 5th day I would spend the day with my daughter, even though I paid full price for daycare. I didn't care about the money. The family I watch for is so afraid that they will not get the "money's worth" out of me. I think it is very sad that even though you have to be at work at 3pm, you child is in my care by 9 or 10 am. Can't clean house on your day off without bringing your child to my house, either. I have been cleaning house with at least 3 kids or more in my care for the last 8 years. Makes no sense. They expect grandmas to take care of them when they are sick or they just give them motrin and bring them to my house. It is very frustrating. They have their good points, but I don't think guilt is an emotion they are familiar with!
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Old 06-17-2010, 07:43 AM
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What I meant by mother's guilt is that the mom's I have dealt with are gone for very long hours because they are single moms. When I day long hours, I am talking about 12-16 hours a day because of working and going to school. I always try to tell them that they shouldn't feel guilty for doing what they need to do to try to provide a better life for their children. However, they always tell me that they feel bad because they don't get much time with their children. One mom told me this all the time, then made it sound like there must be something bad about how I cared for her child because he cried everyday at drop-off. It was easier for her to blame me, rather than acknowledge the situation for what it was - 2 yr old didn't want to come here because he knew he wouldn't get to see mom all day (here from 7:30am to 11pm). He just wanted mommy time. But the minute she was gone, he was ok and started playing. Since she had admitted how bad she felt, she felt guilty. But to take some of this guilt off of herself, it was easier to blame me. Fine.
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Old 06-17-2010, 08:26 AM
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What I meant by mother's guilt is that the mom's I have dealt with are gone for very long hours because they are single moms. When I day long hours, I am talking about 12-16 hours a day because of working and going to school. I always try to tell them that they shouldn't feel guilty for doing what they need to do to try to provide a better life for their children. However, they always tell me that they feel bad because they don't get much time with their children. One mom told me this all the time, then made it sound like there must be something bad about how I cared for her child because he cried everyday at drop-off. It was easier for her to blame me, rather than acknowledge the situation for what it was - 2 yr old didn't want to come here because he knew he wouldn't get to see mom all day (here from 7:30am to 11pm). He just wanted mommy time. But the minute she was gone, he was ok and started playing. Since she had admitted how bad she felt, she felt guilty. But to take some of this guilt off of herself, it was easier to blame me. Fine.
I don't ever deal with schedules like that. I don't keep kids for more than nine hours. If you have a young child and you need to work then you have to figure out how you can fit school into that without making it so that you litterally don't have your kid at all during the working week except for overnight. It doesn't pay to advance your education when you are giving up nearly all of their childhood awake time by doing it.

I have had a few single parents who have tried to do work and school both but never full time for both. Even ones with part time additional school or work it usually failed. The ones who were successful with school only had school.

I get someone trying to improve their lives with education but I don't get someone having a child in care 16 hours a day 5 days a week. It can't work out even if you have the best day care on the planet.
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Old 06-17-2010, 08:28 AM
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Just a thought about appreciation...

When I worked outside the home I had a boss tell me something that has really stuck with me.

"If I don't know about it, you may as well not do it."

When you think about it, it makes alot of sense. In our world they should KNOW all the things we do for their kids, but in reality they probably don't think much about it until there is something that isn't going well. It's easy to spot the problems.

I guess my point is, if you are feeling unappreciated ask yourself if you are communicating enough with the parents.

Do they know how hard you are woking with little Johnny to learn the alphabet? How about those nutritous meals you are serving? Are they aware that you don't served canned foods or processed meals? When was the last time you reminded them?

Here is what I do to communicate with my families:

At the end of the day I take a couple minutes to chat with whoever picks up. We do a lot of Spanish at my house so I might say, "Look Max, it's Madre!" Then I would say to Mom, "oh we're working on family in Spanish! He's doing SO well."

At the end of the day I send out a quick email with "Four Things" in the subject line. Then I list the 4 biggest things of the day. Yesterday it looked like this:

1. Travel Tot's came today! It was awesome! The kids especially loved making volcanos!

2. Story Time: We read "_______" and "_______"

3. Outside Play time! We built sandcastles!!!

4. Rojo Light/Verde Light! The are really mastering their colors! Both in English & Spanish!!!

Breakfast:
Lunch:
Snack:

It only takes me a few minutes, parents love it, and it is hard to be unappreciative when you really see what we do each day.

Every couple of weeks I send out pictures via snapfish so they can get a look at how much we really are doing and how much their kids are loving it!
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Old 06-17-2010, 08:49 AM
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Like Jen, I also communicate to the parents what we did each day, but I do it through a written daily report. I list our meals and a few highlights of what we did that day. Then each week I post pictures on my blog that shows the kids doing many of those activities. I think parents appreciate this daily communication and it puts all that I do with their child on paper so it is tangible. When they see the pictures they know that their child really is learning and having fun all day.
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Old 06-17-2010, 08:56 AM
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Originally Posted by nannyde View Post
I gotta disagree on this one. I think the popular culture response is attribution of parental behavior as "mothers guilt" or "fathers guilt" but I don't think that's really a common "feeling" anymore. Some Mom's may have it but I think it's actually quite rare.

What the OP described is: If anything goes wrong with the child, it's always the provider's fault. It couldn't possibly be the food, the schedule, the discipline techniques of the parents. No, it's always the provider's fault. I love each one of the children in my care and treat them as well if not better than even my own children. I'm so sad that I don't get the appreciation...

Parents feed kids junk food or fast food because it is EASIER to do that at the moment. Going home and preparing a fresh, healthy, meal and expecting your child to eat it is WORK. You have to have many many meals... meal after meal.. where your child is exposed to healthy food, sitting at a table, having table manners, EATING without fussing or wanting something else, not giving snacks to ruin the appetite etc. in order for a healthy diet to happen. Giving junk diets and "snack" diets is SO MUCH EASIER in EVERY way. THIS is why it is popular. The kids like to eat it, they don't fuss for something else, it takes little to no prep time... IT'S EASY.

Schedule: Kids on crappy schedules are allowed it because it is easier for the parent to do what they want when they want without minding a family based on the kids needs. It's easier to allow them to stay up when they need to be in bed because the kid doesn't fuss when they are allowed to do what they want to do. Parents allow messed up schedules because it's EASIER than the fight it takes and the self discipline it takes to keep your family on a good schedule and INSIST that children follow it.

Discipline: Parents allow kids to misbehave and rule their lives because at the moment it is EASIER for the parent. Giving a yes to the child gives the parents a YES on avoiding the conflict and the process it takes to get the kid to accept it and DO what they are told. Parents aren't allowing their kid to misbehave for the sake of the kid. They are doing it so the PARENT doesn't have to deal with the child's behavior.

What parents of today are suffering with isn't guilt. It's the consequence of "at the moment YES" parenting. A yes to the child + a yes to the parent = chaos in the family.

How do you spot a true "guilty parent"? Parents who "feel guilty" about being away from their children spend as much time as the possibly can WITH their children in order to make up for it. They don't take days off of work without their children home with them. They don't bring them early to day care so they can stop and get gas and coffee. They don't leave them in day care to the last possible minute day after day so they can "do errands". They spend their vacation days with their children and take their children on the vacations they go on. They keep their child home with THEM with the kid is sick and even when the parent is sick. They don't have evening babysitters and they don't have "grandma" or someone else caring for them on the weekends.

THAT'S the profile of a guilty parent. A parent who is guilty because they don't have the "time" with their kid makes up for it in time. A parent who has significant amount of awake TIME with their children are much less likely to allow poor eating habits, poor schedules, little discipline.

We need to stop attributing "guilt" where guilt is not present. Guilt is emotional and acceptable in our society. It's a way off the hook for accountability. It's the same kind of cultural response as "quality" time. There's no such thing as quality time. These kinds of societal responses allow a lack of accountability for your part in the true raising of your children. There's a HUGE difference between "guilt" parenting and "yes" parenting.

The LAST solution for YES parenting is to offer to take the kid for the parent to give them a break. That's the worse thing you can do. The best thing you can do is encourage the parent to MAN up and BE present for their child. There's no easy answer out of this because it was caused by easy in the first place.
I love your post and it does explain one part of the spectrum that we deal with daily.... I see this, too, and it breaks my heart.

My hope was to simply lighten the mood and try to rebuild "community".

I am in a small "very southern" town and deal with mostly mothers in their 20's whom are raised to believe that if you are not married with kids by 30 you are a failure.... When "happily ever after" does not happen they are a bit lost and need a little help to re-focus.

I did not intend to offer an easy out, just another cultural viewpoint. I love reading your responses and am often nodding in agreement with an occasional ...
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Old 06-17-2010, 01:06 PM
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I guess this is the reason why I am hard on my daughter. Everybody thinks that I'm harsh with her (she's 5) but I see kids nowadays and am just amazed at how they treat their peers, their belongings and their superiors. I would never dream of ever talking back to my parents when I was growing up. I feared the consequences. Why? Because my parents were serious about it and consistent and never cut us any slack. We knew the rules and knew not to disobey them. We had to work hard for everything. We knew that if we were good we would get trips, sleepovers, rewards and love. My parents let us suffer from our consequences even if it hurt them or broke their hearts. When my mom told me not jump off of furniture and I did it anyway and I hurt myself she didn't rush over and coddle me. All I got was "Well, you shouldn't of been jumping on the couch" or "What have i told you? I don't want to hear it". When I disobeyed she punished. She gave long speaches, took belongings, she grounded, took away priveledges and sometimes spanked. Then my dad came home and I would get it all over again. They'd let me suffer the consequence and then later came to me and reminded me with all the love of a Parent's heart that the rules are in place to keep us safe. I knew growing up that if ever did anything stupid that landed me in jail that I would not be calling them for help. I knew that they'd leave me in there to take my punishment. It's not until later that I realized that all my mother wanted to do was scoop me up and hold me and make my hurts go away, but in the end she knew that showing me boundaries and consequences was a better way of loving me. That by showing me how the real world works and guiding me to be a self-sufficient, contributing adult was the best way for her to be a mother.

Kids don't get that now. Most kids talk back, throw tantrums, destroy their belongings, are inconsiderate and disrespectful. I don't tolerate it. My 9 year old niece hates me. With a passion. Why? Because I always have all of the cool toys and fun games and delicious treats and all of the other kids get to play with them and get gifts but not her. Why? Because she's a little $H!t. She's outright mean to everyone and listens to no one. I have rules in my house that she doesn't follow and my fiance and I check her each time until she doesn't know what to do with herself. And who's fault is that? My cousins. Because they doted on her since birth and made her believe that she was a little princess. She has actually come over to my house and told me that she didn't have to listen to me because she was the princess. My response? "Oh yeah? Well here's a reality check honey. This is my castle and I'm the queen here so if you don't like it get back into your pumpkin and go back to your kingdom because I reign here." Mean? maybe. But Myself and my fiance are the only people she doesn't talk back to now. She avoids us like the plague but when we are near her she says please and thank you whether we are in our house or at hers. Parents just need to put their foot down and say enough is enough.
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Old 06-17-2010, 01:19 PM
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I love your post and it does explain one part of the spectrum that we deal with daily.... I see this, too, and it breaks my heart.

My hope was to simply lighten the mood and try to rebuild "community".

I am in a small "very southern" town and deal with mostly mothers in their 20's whom are raised to believe that if you are not married with kids by 30 you are a failure.... When "happily ever after" does not happen they are a bit lost and need a little help to re-focus.

I did not intend to offer an easy out, just another cultural viewpoint. I love reading your responses and am often nodding in agreement with an occasional ...
Aw thanks Golden

I know your suggestions come from a good heart.
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  #18  
Old 06-17-2010, 02:10 PM
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golden rule, you just described my town lol. I live in a small rural soth ga town and nearly all my clients have always been single moms...
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Old 06-17-2010, 07:35 PM
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Originally Posted by nannyde View Post
I don't ever deal with schedules like that. I don't keep kids for more than nine hours. If you have a young child and you need to work then you have to figure out how you can fit school into that without making it so that you litterally don't have your kid at all during the working week except for overnight. It doesn't pay to advance your education when you are giving up nearly all of their childhood awake time by doing it.

I have had a few single parents who have tried to do work and school both but never full time for both. Even ones with part time additional school or work it usually failed. The ones who were successful with school only had school.

I get someone trying to improve their lives with education but I don't get someone having a child in care 16 hours a day 5 days a week. It can't work out even if you have the best day care on the planet.
You are very right about those long hours. What was really bad was that the DCB I mentioned only came 4 days a week (15 hr, 12 hrs, 15 hrs, & 4 hrs) because that maxed out the highest number of hours our state allows for subsidy. The mom would have had to pay for all the overtime hours (which she couldn't afford). So on the other days, he stayed with a relative. Maybe that is one of the reasons DHS puts a max of 90 hours every 2 weeks for subsidy. I never thought of it that way. Maybe they are trying to limit the amount of time parents are away from their kids. It really is sad for the kids though.
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