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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>I Don't Know If I Can Do This Anymore. I Feel Like I'm Endangering These Kids...
Logged Out for Privacy 09:44 AM 08-09-2012
I don't know if doing home day care is the right thing for me. I am doing it because I want to spend time with my kids but we need an additional income, too, and really, what it costs for daycare for 2 kids as opposed to what I make...well, it just wouldn't make sense for me to go back to work.

But I am finding every day here lately, a little more and a little more, that these kids are driving me crazy.

Not just a little crazy. Like, about once or twice a day, I scream at them for something crazy. I've lost control.

Yesterday I reduced 2 year-old DCG to tears. She followed me to DS's bedroom when I laid him down for a nap, stomping her feet behind me as she walked and singing, "LA LA LA LA!" very loudly, so carefree. Woke him up, he started crying. He's a horrible sleeper in the best of times. I scolded her and told her to please go back into the living room to wait for me. Another DCG napping in another bedroom heard the commotion and woke up and started crying also, so I rushed in to try to comfort her back to sleep. Who should come after me doing the exact same thing, stomping and singing, but DCG. I grabbed her by the shoulders spun her around, and guided her back to the living room. I then yelled, "GET UP ON THAT COUCH AND SIT STILL FOR 2 MINUTES FOR GOODNESS SAKE!"

That is bad enough, but what really scares me is that I feel myself letting go. Like I feel like i'm busting apart at the seams and that I am actually afraid I might hurt these kids. Like it''s taking every inch of my being to keep as controlled as I can. I've been finding myself more strict with even my own kids and very no-nonsense. I have never, never hit any of these kids, and I never berate them, but I just feel like I'm screaming things like, "NO, STOP!" and "I already told you to get out of her room!" "Stop this, stop that!". Maybe I was just not meant to look after children. :-( I used to have LOADS of patience and now...I'm lucky to make it through one day without having to raise my voice to a scream just to get their attention.

Please help me. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this. My husband is a huge help around the house so I know it's nothing that he can really help with, I just need to be able to talk to someone. :-(

Hubby stayed home from work a day last week and heard me...at the end of the day when all the kids were gone, he told me it sounds like I have no control over the kids. They're *good* kids, I mean it's not like they're marking on the walls or flushing stuff down the toilets or anything, but it's things like, "Stop going up on my bed, the cat is sleeping there, leave her alone, she will scratch you" types of things that they just aren't listening to because they always hear me sqawking at them, my words just don't matter to them any more.

I think part of it is that I am going shack-whacky. Before this, I had a car, I could pop my kids in the car whenever I wanted and go to play groups and get groceries if we needed it...not an extravagant day out, but we got out! Now, I don't even have a working vehicle, and even if I did, it's only a hatchback and we can't even squeeze a 3rd carseat in the back. Considering my two kids are a given, there are my two car seat spaces gone. So we couldn't go anywhere anyway. When hubby comes home it's a race to get supper, the kids cleaned, the kitchen cleaned, and the kids in bed, and by that point our local grocery store is closed and I'd have to drive 30 minutes into town to pick up milk. So I just get milk at the gas station and just come home.

Today I was getting lunch ready. It was 12:05. We eat anywhere between 12 and 12:30. They just had a snack at 10:30. I had just rounded them up in the living room and went to take something hot out of the oven and they all swarmed me. 4 of them circled around me, dealing with a hot oven, two yelling, "is it ready yet?!" one crying because I won't pick him up, and another crying because she misplaced her pacifier. OMG, overload. "LIVING ROOM. NOW!!" Like, it's just gotten to the point of barking 1 to 3 word commands.

One of the parents picked up her child the other day and made the comment, "I could never do what you do. I have 3 kids and it is all I can do to get through one day and into the next. You are so patient and kind to these kids", and I almost started bawling with guilt and shame. What am I supposed to do? I feel so lost.
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Tags:burnt out, overwhelmed, stress
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