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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>OT: Unwanted Houseguests
Unregistered 08:21 AM 06-17-2014
Help me out here, possibly.

My mom lives in another state. She started visiting for more than a week at a time when dd was born. It started with 4 weeks. It gets more and more each summer and longer and longer for holidays.
This summer were up to 3 months. She is certified by the state to be here.

I use to like it and now I'm miserable.
Last year i was extremely depressed in August. I had to get on medication for it. This year it has been a week and I am already feeling down. I want my privacy with my family.

I have 0 communication with her. I can't just say oh by the way I think you shouldnt stay as long. But apparently I'm going to have to figure it out at some point. Its completely out of control.

What is on my side this time is that my father is no longer employed and I'm not giving her any daycare hours this summer. What isn't helping is that my family is having a huge party for labor day and she wants to be here for it. I think it would cost her more go go home and come back. And what makes matters worse is that I have to feed her ?! I have my own financial problems! I would rather take my own family out for dinner once per week then never get to go out because I have to feed another adult!
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NightOwl 08:32 AM 06-17-2014
Wow. It sounds like your relationship with her is not a good one and she's behaving like you're the closest mother/daughter pair on the planet! That's a weird dynamic. Does she know how you feel and just comes anyway?
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debbiedoeszip 08:34 AM 06-17-2014
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
Help me out here, possibly.

My mom lives in another state. She started visiting for more than a week at a time when dd was born. It started with 4 weeks. It gets more and more each summer and longer and longer for holidays.
This summer were up to 3 months. She is certified by the state to be here.

I use to like it and now I'm miserable.
Last year i was extremely depressed in August. I had to get on medication for it. This year it has been a week and I am already feeling down. I want my privacy with my family.

I have 0 communication with her. I can't just say oh by the way I think you shouldnt stay as long. But apparently I'm going to have to figure it out at some point. Its completely out of control.

What is on my side this time is that my father is no longer employed and I'm not giving her any daycare hours this summer. What isn't helping is that my family is having a huge party for labor day and she wants to be here for it. I think it would cost her more go go home and come back. And what makes matters worse is that I have to feed her ?! I have my own financial problems! I would rather take my own family out for dinner once per week then never get to go out because I have to feed another adult!
I used to have a similar situation with my mom, though her visits were at most three weeks long. She used to live part-time in the US, and then because of Canadian law she had to spend the other half of the year in Canada, but she couldn't afford two residences (she bought a double-wide in a seniors trailer park in Phoenix) so she would couch-surf for the six months she spent in Canada.

After about a week of my mom being in my house, the novelty would have completely worn off. By week three, I'd be so sick of her being under my roof that I was dying for her to leave. So I totally feel your pain.

My only advice is to be honest with her and set boundaries. Let her know that she's welcome to stay for a week, but any longer is out of the question. It's not going to be easy, but I really think that after you bite the bullet and just tell her that you will feel so relieved.

If you have "0 communication with her", then does she just arrive out of the blue? Do you communicate through your father? If so, then tell your father that more than a week is out of the question. And same thing, the relief you will feel after you have done the deed will totally make up for the anxiety felt beforehand.
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DaisyMamma 08:39 AM 06-17-2014
Originally Posted by Wednesday:
Wow. It sounds like your relationship with her is not a good one and she's behaving like you're the closest mother/daughter pair on the planet! That's a weird dynamic. Does she know how you feel and just comes anyway?
I wasn't logged in. Sorry

I meant 0 communication because I don't communicate about feelings and things like this. It took me years before I could communicate with my husband properly. He is the only one who knows any of how I feel.
So of course I know she is coming and when she's leaving, etc.
It would certainly be easier if we didn't get along because I have no problem telling people I don't like how I feel
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DaisyMamma 08:42 AM 06-17-2014
To make matters worse all the family is in my state and they come visit her in my home.

I like privacy. I don't know why she doesn't realize this on her own. I don't even like going to family functions. How can anyone not realize this isn't ok?
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NeedaVaca 08:53 AM 06-17-2014
Why can't she spend different weeks with different families? That seems like reasonable solution. A week or 2 at each place. There is no way I could keep quiet about an extended visit if it was something I didn't want to do!
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racemom 08:57 AM 06-17-2014
I would say something like this, "mom, we love having you come visit but we have a very busy summer and so we will only be able to have you stay 1 week this year. Does the week of ---- work for you?" if she tries to push for more just keep repeating until she gets it.
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Blackcat31 09:00 AM 06-17-2014
Originally Posted by DaisyMamma:
To make matters worse all the family is in my state and they come visit her in my home.

I like privacy. I don't know why she doesn't realize this on her own. I don't even like going to family functions. How can anyone not realize this isn't ok?
Why not tell her you just can't manage it and tell her she is still welcome to visit but that she will need to stay with other family members or stay in a hotel.

Maybe even offer to have relatives chip in and help her pay for the expense of going home and coming back for the Labor Day get together.

You could also share your feelings with another family member who would be willing to speak with your mom about this.

If all else, fails...you are just going to have to be honest with her. Your sanity and mental health obviously depends on it.

Maybe writing her an e-mail or letter will help explain things. Sometimes it's the easiest and best way to get your message across and not have to continue discussing...kwim?
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DaisyMamma 09:01 AM 06-17-2014
Originally Posted by racemom:
I would say something like this, "mom, we love having you come visit but we have a very busy summer and so we will only be able to have you stay 1 week this year. Does the week of ---- work for you?" if she tries to push for more just keep repeating until she gets it.
Ok. This can and will be done for next year, good idea. I was even tthinking of saying that my kids are old enough to go visit HER now.

But she is here now, already.

So I will figure out how to get her to go visit some other family like the OP said for some of the time. The most I was able to get her do last time though, was a weekend
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DaisyMamma 09:09 AM 06-17-2014
And she takes my car whenever, which drives me bonkers, but its either that, or what? She never leaves the house?!
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NightOwl 08:52 PM 06-19-2014
Did you have that convo, daisy?
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Angelsj 05:29 AM 06-20-2014
Why is she not helping out financially? I realize it is your mother, but if someone is going to stay for more than two weeks at my house, they need to pay rent (even if it is just nominal but enough you can take the family out to eat once or twice a week.)
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NeedaVaca 05:40 AM 06-20-2014
Originally Posted by Angelsj:
Why is she not helping out financially? I realize it is your mother, but if someone is going to stay for more than two weeks at my house, they need to pay rent (even if it is just nominal but enough you can take the family out to eat once or twice a week.)
I would definitely expect them to chip in for gas money and groceries! They would also pay their share for any activities like pools, movies, restaurants etc.
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DaisyMamma 06:02 AM 06-20-2014
Originally Posted by Wednesday:
Did you have that convo, daisy?
Oh god no. I'm a big chicken. And there's a ton of other visitors around and always people lately. But I will!
Waiting for a good opportunity. Ill be looking to ask her to go stay with family for my week I'm closed in july, so soon. Then ill look to do another week in Aug.

Originally Posted by Angelsj:
Why is she not helping out financially? I realize it is your mother, but if someone is going to stay for more than two weeks at my house, they need to pay rent (even if it is just nominal but enough you can take the family out to eat once or twice a week.)
Last year she got a job while she was here and did help. This year so far no job. And same with dad who is coming this year for a week (doesn't normally do this). And he is now talking about coming for a week every year now that there's no job. I can see where this is going! I will not have them both here all summer every year . This is most definitely the last summer, I will see to that.
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Meeko 05:56 PM 06-20-2014
This breaks my heart.

My parents are on the other side of the world. I miss them more than words can ever express. They try and come every other year to see us, but they are elderly now and I know that very soon, one of the visits will be the last one ever. They plan on coming next year if they can. They will come for 6-8 weeks and I will savor every single second of it and break my heart when they leave.

I would so love to change places with some of you who don't like your parents around for long.

Please remember that one day they won't be.

"I would rather take my own family out for dinner once per week then never get to go out because I have to feed another adult!" I guess people are different. I would happily never eat out again if I could have dinner with my parents instead.
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Annalee 08:38 PM 06-20-2014
Originally Posted by Meeko:
This breaks my heart.

My parents are on the other side of the world. I miss them more than words can ever express. They try and come every other year to see us, but they are elderly now and I know that very soon, one of the visits will be the last one ever. They plan on coming next year if they can. They will come for 6-8 weeks and I will savor every single second of it and break my heart when they leave.

I would so love to change places with some of you who don't like your parents around for long.

Please remember that one day they won't be.

"I would rather take my own family out for dinner once per week then never get to go out because I have to feed another adult!" I guess people are different. I would happily never eat out again if I could have dinner with my parents instead.
I enjoyed your post, Meeko. I can relate....My hubby and I built our house directly beside my parents, my brother's family on the other side....My dad passed away at the tender age of 56 nearly 12 years ago....It has been a life-altering experience....while time has a way of easing the tears, there is not a day goes by, I don't look out my front door wishing I could see him just one more time...My extended family is very close, sometimes too close but we make it work!
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TheGoodLife 09:13 PM 06-20-2014
So sorry for your loss Annalee. And I completely understand your sentiments, Meeko. I think the OP is not wishing she didn't have family time, but is frustrated over being taken advantage of. Her situation is different, as it seems her mom is not ASKING, but expecting her to open her home and lend her car whenever she wants to, to stay as long as she wants, and isn't taking care of herself financially. To have someone just come and live in your house uninvited for a long duration (even family) and to not contribute- that can be very stressful. It seems like the mom is taking advantage of the situation and not respecting the privacy and feelings of the OP and her family- and that is rude whether it is immediate family or not. Family time is precious, but your home is a sanctuary that can feel vulnerable when taken over as such.
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DaisyMamma 04:14 AM 06-21-2014
I know many people cohabitate and it works well. I would prefer privacy with my husband and young kids.

I wished my parents lived in the state, next door would be fine!..in their own house. I have a small ranch home and this situation just doesn't work for me.

Also people act different around different people. Even kids. My kids aren't themselves when others are around.

My husband doesn't like it either. He finds things to do on Sundays, alone. Sundays are supposed to be our family day! And he isn't around.
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MotherNature 05:29 AM 06-21-2014
I think people stating that they'd love to have more time with you family is great....if your family is not a toxic one. Just b/c they're family doesn't mean the OP owes her mom free room and board, uninvited for months at a time. That's ridiculous! Especially if mom isn't contributing help, food, gas money, etc..Is Mom elderly or infirm? If not, mom is mooching. If she wants to see family, she can visit at everyone's house for a week or two. It seems the entire family is taking advantage of Daisy. Daisy, you're just going to have to be brave and put your foot down. I know it's hard. I hate confrontation myself. Just imagine she's a dcm running roughshod all over you and put her in her place. For those lucky enough to have a great relationship w/ your mom, great, but not everyone is that lucky, and some parents truly are awful. People shouldn't be beholden to abusive behaviour just because they are family members. If Mom can't get in line (you're an adult, w/ your own life and family) and respect you, then it may be best to cut ties. But, you need to firmly tell her how you feel and lay it on the line. Maybe she doesn't realize how she's treating you, but your post screams borderline personality to me. Both my mom & MIL have it and they will take advantage of you and bring drama to every event. They need to have firm boundaries, like a child. They push boundaries..it's ridiculous. Good luck.
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Meeko 08:05 PM 06-21-2014
I must admit, I answered with my heart....and my own situation.....I hope nobody took offense

My parents are generous to the extreme and I have to try and STOP them from insisting on paying for groceries, outings etc. I can understand it would be difficult to have a family member in the house who didn't even offer to help out.
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DaisyMamma 09:11 AM 06-27-2014
An interesting turn of events has my parents looking to move to my state. So that's great news in many ways
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DaisyMamma 09:11 AM 06-27-2014
Originally Posted by Meeko:
I must admit, I answered with my heart....and my own situation.....I hope nobody took offense

My parents are generous to the extreme and I have to try and STOP them from insisting on paying for groceries, outings etc. I can understand it would be difficult to have a family member in the house who didn't even offer to help out.
Not at all. No worries.
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My3cents 12:17 PM 06-27-2014
Originally Posted by DaisyMamma:
I know many people cohabitate and it works well. I would prefer privacy with my husband and young kids.

I wished my parents lived in the state, next door would be fine!..in their own house. I have a small ranch home and this situation just doesn't work for me.

Also people act different around different people. Even kids. My kids aren't themselves when others are around.

My husband doesn't like it either. He finds things to do on Sundays, alone. Sundays are supposed to be our family day! And he isn't around.
I agree that this is a different situation then yours Meeko....and I understand what and where you are coming from and feel the same way as you. I would do anything to have my parents. Everyone is different. It is not that OP doesn't care about her parents it is just she is struggling to stay a float and get a start on life and make a life with her young family. It is too much for her. I understand this, even if its not what I would want for myself.

Not having your hubby home on Sundays participating with the family time- no good, not cool.

I see it as this you need to have a heart to heart talk with your parents if having them stay with you for extended time like this is bothering you and your marriage and family. Not later but now- Mom I have to talk with you- I hope I won't hurt your feelings but I have some things that have to be said.... if you want to stay a week or two during the summer that is fine and I will look forward to it but more then that right now is too much for me and my growing family. If your going to stay longer then that here you will have to stay with another relative or chip in with some expenses.

If you can't talk to your parents your hubby needs to step up and help you out and really he should along side of you talk with them-

I wish you luck with this. I feel the love you have for them, you just don't want permanent residency at their leisure and not yours- doesn't seem to be a compromise or respect, but then again they can't do anything about if they don't know. A good family talk is what is needed and I would start by talking with my hub and then have a sit down with your parents even if one had to be a phone conference so everyone knows where your at-

best-
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My3cents 12:20 PM 06-27-2014
Originally Posted by Meeko:
I must admit, I answered with my heart....and my own situation.....I hope nobody took offense

My parents are generous to the extreme and I have to try and STOP them from insisting on paying for groceries, outings etc. I can understand it would be difficult to have a family member in the house who didn't even offer to help out.
no offense!!! I get ya!

hope you took none to what I added to this thread-
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My3cents 12:23 PM 06-27-2014
Originally Posted by DaisyMamma:
An interesting turn of events has my parents looking to move to my state. So that's great news in many ways
nice cause then they will have there own home and make sure you set up some boundaries right away.

Meeko my heart went out to you too, I remember when you had a visit and how excited you were and how upset when they left-

I just wish I had parents that were alive~
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