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Old 02-14-2011, 11:24 AM
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Gurdy Gurdy is offline
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Default Need Some Advice Personal & Professional

My dad has been on hospice care for some time now. He has COPD and congestive heart failure. He is in pretty bad shape physically but still has full mental capacity.

My mom called me today and said that he had a very bad weekend. He is now completely unable to get out of bed and acting weird (cant remember things). Refuses to eat or take his medicines. The hospice nurses have been there alot all weekend. I could literally hear the fear and stress in her voice when I talked to her. I think she feels like this may be the end.

I am at a loss as to what to do to help her. I feel like I need to just be there at her house to help with my dad and deal with the nurses for her, as she says that they don't really tell her anything.

I already told her I would come over every evening to be with them, but I wonder if I should close daycare and be there during the day as well (I feel like I should be there). I just need some advice, do I tell the dcps that I am closing til further notice? Do I just pick a couple of days to close and go to her house on those days? Should I just take on a day to day basis and give my dc families a heads up that I may need to leave at a moments notice and they need to have back-up care all week? My parents live about forty minutes away so it will still take me some time to get to her.

I am hoping he pulls out of this... we have had several scares in the past year, but I have never heard my mom sound this scared and he has gotten better in the past (not really better but not worse)...
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  #2  
Old 02-14-2011, 11:28 AM
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missnikki missnikki is offline
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You know what is best, so arrange for it to happen.

It is YOUR family. The clients you have all have families too and should understand an extenuating circumstance. Do what you feel you have to do and do your best to give as much warning as possible.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad's turn for the worse. Take good care.
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Old 02-14-2011, 11:28 AM
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nannyde nannyde is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gurdy View Post
My dad has been on hospice care for some time now. He has COPD and congestive heart failure. He is in pretty bad shape physically but still has full mental capacity.

My mom called me today and said that he had a very bad weekend. He is now completely unable to get out of bed and acting weird (cant remember things). Refuses to eat or take his medicines. The hospice nurses have been there alot all weekend. I could literally hear the fear and stress in her voice when I talked to her. I think she feels like this may be the end.

I am at a loss as to what to do to help her. I feel like I need to just be there at her house to help with my dad and deal with the nurses for her, as she says that they don't really tell her anything.

I already told her I would come over every evening to be with them, but I wonder if I should close daycare and be there during the day as well (I feel like I should be there). I just need some advice, do I tell the dcps that I am closing til further notice? Do I just pick a couple of days to close and go to her house on those days? Should I just take on a day to day basis and give my dc families a heads up that I may need to leave at a moments notice and they need to have back-up care all week? My parents live about forty minutes away so it will still take me some time to get to her.

I am hoping he pulls out of this... we have had several scares in the past year, but I have never heard my mom sound this scared and he has gotten better in the past (not really better but not worse)...
You only get one Daddy.

Day care kids come and go... there will always be day care kids.

Close down and spend whatever time you want with him.
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Old 02-14-2011, 11:29 AM
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Default Tough situation

I'm sorry that you're even having to deal with this right now. I think my advice to you would be to follow your heart, and if you want to be there with your dad, then absolutely do it. Trust me, you may make some parents mad because of the inconvenience, but you'll be glad to be with your mom and dad. They are your family and you shouldn't have to choose.
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Old 02-14-2011, 11:31 AM
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((hugs))

I agree with Nannyde. You do what you need to do.
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Old 02-14-2011, 11:39 AM
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Sorry for the situation with your Dad. Having been there about 11 years ago with my Dad, I can offer this advice.

My Dad had phyiscal things wrong, but had senial dementia for 2 years before he died. I had already dealt with losing my Dad, years before his body followed. We also had hospice for him. They WILL let you know when the end is very near. I remember them telling us he had about a week, then about 2-3 days and then we started down to the hours. They weren't off by much.

Hospice offers a booklet (just a few pages) on the end of life. I don't remember what it is called, but it really helped. It helped us to know what to expect, such as the refusal to eat and drink, not talking anymore, etc.

Your Mom is scared, she is realizing the finality of losing her life mate. You could have months, you could have days left. Just Ask the Hospice worker what their feeling is on that.

I would line up a backup, for short notice to replace you and spend your evenings with your parents. When Hospice tells you, you have days left, then get full time replacement for the time needed. JMHO.
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Old 02-14-2011, 11:43 AM
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You will never regret the time you spend with your Mom and Dad right now. If you can afford to spend this time with him, then I absolutely would. As for upsetting the parents, who cares. If they are mad enough to leave, you'll never see them again anyway. My thoughts are with you.
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Old 02-14-2011, 11:54 AM
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Go be with your mom and dad! You will be glad you did. My husbands mom passed away last June. She begged him to go for a visit in May. He didn't, thinking he had more time. She died June 6th. 3 days before he was to leave to see her.
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Old 02-14-2011, 11:56 AM
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I would spent the most precious time you could with your Dad.

I will say prayers for your Father and you!
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  #10  
Old 02-14-2011, 12:00 PM
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Thank you all so much, you are so right! It really helps to hear from others what I know to be the right thing to do. My Mom and Dad need me more now then the dc families. I have never had to deal with anything like this before and I just dont know how long we have left with him.
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Old 02-14-2011, 12:10 PM
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I'm sorry your family is going through this! Definitely pack up & take a few days off to be with your mom for support & your dad, too. I lost my dad last year (almost exactly one year from this past weekend) so please don't worry about DCFs. . . if they have any concern for you they will not mind the inconvenience. Hugs!!!
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Old 02-14-2011, 01:00 PM
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<<<Hugs>>>> You and your family are in my prayers.

And I agree with the previous posters, go be with your family. Your DCFs should understand -
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Old 02-14-2011, 03:19 PM
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i agree with nannyde - you only have one dad so do what you need to do.

as far as the nurses not telling her anything - there may not be much to tell. unfortunately, nurses are limited in what they can/can't say and often when it's hospice care they are there mainly to make the patient as comfortable as possible at the end of life. it can be hard for the family (esp. a spouse) when they want to hear good news and there isnt any, and the bad news is reserved for the doctor to share.
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Old 02-14-2011, 07:35 PM
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Agree, spent time now with him. My father died suddenly and I never had a chance to be with him and say goodbye. Even if he comes out of this you will not regret being there for both your father and mother.
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Old 02-14-2011, 09:01 PM
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OMGosh, this is so sad to read on Valentine's Day. I was eating chocolate and had to put the box down.

I'm so sorry about your dad being in poor health? Is it something specific that happened and you're expecting him to recover or not? I know everyone here is looking at it from the viewpoint of this being the end, but I didn't take that this is the end by reading your post. If it is, I'm so sorry.

If you have a backup assistant, I would contact them and inform them you may need them. I would tell all the dc parents what you want as far as what is going on and that you may close with a day's notice or that you have an assistant covering for you.

HUGS, I'm "daddy's girl" and my dad has cancer from years ago and is doing okay still. My mom is in extremely poor health where she should be in assisted living and she's not even 50 yet.
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  #16  
Old 02-15-2011, 10:49 AM
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Gurdy Gurdy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SandeeAR View Post
Sorry for the situation with your Dad. Having been there about 11 years ago with my Dad, I can offer this advice.

My Dad had phyiscal things wrong, but had senial dementia for 2 years before he died. I had already dealt with losing my Dad, years before his body followed. We also had hospice for him. They WILL let you know when the end is very near. I remember them telling us he had about a week, then about 2-3 days and then we started down to the hours. They weren't off by much.

Hospice offers a booklet (just a few pages) on the end of life. I don't remember what it is called, but it really helped. It helped us to know what to expect, such as the refusal to eat and drink, not talking anymore, etc.

Your Mom is scared, she is realizing the finality of losing her life mate. You could have months, you could have days left. Just Ask the Hospice worker what their feeling is on that.

I would line up a backup, for short notice to replace you and spend your evenings with your parents. When Hospice tells you, you have days left, then get full time replacement for the time needed. JMHO.
Thank you for this... I did read the pamplet today and it really does help. He seems to be in the weeks to months left area of that pamplet.

I have not talked to the hospice workers myself, but they gave my mom detailed instructions concerning the morphine and medications that he may need soon.

My mom is so scared... I can not imagine what she is truly going through right now. They have been together since they were teenagers. She was the all american cheerleader and he was the drag racing bad boy (kinda like Danny & Sandy from Grease) She did get him to eat a little last night and I think that is giving her some hope that he may pull out of this.

I have decided to stay open for now and visit every evening. I have put all my dc families on notice that I may have to close without much warning and they were all very understanding. My mom is my back-up care provider for daycare so I can not call in my back up. But, all of my daycare families know her and love her, so I think that helps.

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts!
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