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Old 02-17-2011, 09:24 AM
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Default Need Pick Up Tips

Hi everyone, I just found this group and it looks like you guys are really helpful! I've been having a lot of issues at pick up times, especially with one child in particular. I swear he stores up everything I told him to stop doing during the day and starts doing it as soon as he sees his mom (jumping on the couch, climbing the stairs, jumping off stairs, and just throwing tantrums in general). I would love to have them all ready to go when parents come, but the problem is that they all come anywhere between 4 and 5:30, and each persons time is not consistent. I close at 5:30 so whoever is here during the last 10 min or so starts getting their shoes and coats on. Also, I live in a split level, so if I am running up to the entry getting kids ready the kids downstairs start getting wild and acting up.

Anybody have any tips for making pick up time run smoothly and curbing the acting up/tantrums?

Thanks!
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Old 02-17-2011, 09:40 AM
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Someone has earlier posted about having the parent call when they are a few min away and then have the kids dressed, ready to go. Then when mom/dad picks up kid goes outside with parent.

I make the parents get the kids ready. I live in a split and kids go down to the entry when mom/dad pulls up and then its mom/dads responsibility to get them ready. I keep playing with the other kids to keep them from getting too out of control.
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Old 02-17-2011, 09:44 AM
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Originally Posted by jojosmommy View Post
Someone has earlier posted about having the parent call when they are a few min away and then have the kids dressed, ready to go. Then when mom/dad picks up kid goes outside with parent.

I make the parents get the kids ready. I live in a split and kids go down to the entry when mom/dad pulls up and then its mom/dads responsibility to get them ready. I keep playing with the other kids to keep them from getting too out of control.
Welcome! I agree with this suggestion 100%. We can only multi-task so much. Let the parents take responsibility for getting their kid ready. I would hope that they understand that you can't leave all of the other kids while you get one of them ready to go.
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Old 02-17-2011, 09:47 AM
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What would you do if this child was doing these things without mom or dad being there? That is exactly what you need to do if they do it when the parents arrive... they are still in your home, your rules apply. So if you would normally give a time out for those behaviors, then the child should receive one while mom or dad waits.
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Old 02-17-2011, 09:49 AM
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Default Changing of the Guard by Nannyde

looks like you have yet to meet the master...miss nannyde!! AKA the god mother...lol

this is something that she posted here awhile back and I cant begin to tell you how helpful this has been.... I actually gave this to a few of my parents, minus the part about how the parents misbehave....lol

I hope that I remembered to copy it all...

Changing of the Guard



Changing of the guard behavior at drop off is when the child goes from being in power/control while in the care of his parents to the provider being in power/control while in the care of the provider. The child cries or acts out because they do not want to relinquish their control. They don't want the control to go to the provider so they delay the transfer of power by acting out.

They also want the provider to see that they are in control because arrivals and departures are the only opportunity the child has to make it clear to the provider that they are in control. As soon as the door closes behind the parent the child looses that really powerful position as their power supply has just backed up out the driveway.

At pick ups again the child realizes that once their power supply (parents) have arrived that they are back into power. They see that the parent again gives them the kingdom and you the provider aren't stopping them from taking over. They are used to the provider being the leader ALL day long so they KNOW something is terribly wrong when you all of a sudden stop leading.

All the kid sees is two adults who are not making him stop and demanding he behave properly in public. He has no choice to become the leader because the adults around him are not doing it. He loves to be the leader but unfortunately is ill equipped for the job as he is just a child. Children should NEVER lead adults. Children should NEVER lead themselves or other children. They are terribly inadequate leaders. When they are allowed the job of leader the entire time they are in that role everything falls apart. Everyone is unhappy and nothing works out well.
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Old 02-17-2011, 09:49 AM
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Welcome! I agree with this suggestion 100%. We can only multi-task so much. Let the parents take responsibility for getting their kid ready. I would hope that they understand that you can't leave all of the other kids while you get one of them ready to go.
And yet, some of the parents will stand there making cooing noises at their 2yo's while they can clearly hear that I have a crying/fussy baby in the next room that I need to get to!!!! GRRR!
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Old 02-17-2011, 09:50 AM
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Default oopps

Just noticed that the rest of it is missing....lol maybe someone else has the entire posting????


sorry
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Old 02-17-2011, 10:18 AM
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Just noticed that the rest of it is missing....lol maybe someone else has the entire posting????


sorry
I call the dynamic of bad behavior at drop off and pick up "Changing of the Guard" behavior. It is seen primarily in children who are in charge of the relationship with their parents. It is seen in children who are more powerful than their parents and parents who want their child to be powerful/happy/special/ more than they want the child to have good public and interpersonal relationship. The parent does not want the child to cry so outbursts of obviously inappropriate behavior are acceptable to the parent as long as the child does them without crying and is happy. The harshest discipline used for these kids is "corporal coddling".

Changing of the guard behavior at drop off is when the child goes from being in power/control while in the care of his parents to the provider being in power/control while in the care of the provider. The child cries or acts out because they do not want to relinquish their control. They don't want the control to go to the provider so they delay the transfer of power by acting out.

They also want the provider to see that they are in control because arrivals and departures are the only opportunity the child has to make it clear to the provider that they are in control. As soon as the door closes behind the parent the child looses that really powerful position as their power supply has just backed up out the driveway.

At pick ups again the child realizes that once their power supply (parents) have arrived that they are back into power. They see that the parent again gives them the kingdom and you the provider aren't stopping them from taking over. They are used to the provider being the leader ALL day long so they KNOW something is terribly wrong when you all of a sudden stop leading.

All the kid sees is two adults who are not making him stop and demanding he behave properly in public. He has no choice to become the leader because the adults around him are not doing it. He loves to be the leader but unfortunately is ill equipped for the job as he is just a child. Children should NEVER lead adults. Children should NEVER lead themselves or other children. They are terribly inadaquate leaders. When they are allowed the job of leader the entire time they are in that role everything falls apart. Everyone is unhappy and nothing works out well.

The parent is often misbehaving at the drop off and pick up too. The parent knows when their child is behaving badly in public. They know how the adults around them looks when their child is acting up. They can feel the negative energy and exhasted energy from the adults around their child's public display of bad behavior. THEY KNOW THE PROVIDER HATES IT but they don't take over. They don't put a stop to it.

The parents often feel the provider works FOR them and because they are paying the provider that the provider should just have to DEAL with this witnessing of poor behavior. The parent doesn't care if it upsets you, your other day care kids, your kids. They are paying you and you better get to toleration quick or they will scoot on out your business.

The parent may have some other motivations for allowing it too. They may WANT the child to hang out at the day care before they go to work and after they are off of work because they are trying to get the kid off of their clock for as long as possible. There are a certain segment of parent population who allow misbehavior at drop off and pick up as a STALL technique to keep the child at day care longer. These are the ones that allow a wide breadth of time for their kid to be in care when they really only need nine hours. These parents will often pick providers with open hours so the parent can use time BEFORE work and AFTER work to be at the providers house with the kid because they don't want to be home with the kid by themselves any longer than they have to.



The provider is in a bad situation too. She doesn't like the changing of the guard behavior. She wants the child to behave as he does when SHE is leading him. She feels she can't discipline kids in front of their parent. She knows she wouldn't want someone disciplining HER kids in front of her so she sits back praying to Jesus that the parent put the kabosh on this and take over.

She also knows that it's a pretty touchy deal to start disciplining the kid especially at pick up time. She could offend the parent and the parent could pull the kid. She really really WANTS the kid to LEAVE so she can get on with her own family so she doesn't want to do ANYTHING to get prolong it.

So now you have the perfect storm. The child is being bombarded with badly behaving adults ... adults who are not being true to their feelings... adults who will not do WHATEVER it takes to show the child that the child can NEVER lead in their presence....

and a child who is BEGGING for calm stable minute to minute leadership

I don't have this dynamic in my day care because I do not EVER allow a child to lead in my home. I don't allow them to lead me or lead their parents. From the second the kid hits the inside of my house they are being led by ME. I don't leave the leadership up to the parents. I'm glad when I have ones that DO lead but I'm the leadingest leader no matter what.

IF a child is acting up at arrivals and departures despite my insistence that I be the leader then I institute the "Buh Bye Outside" program. This is where the parent says good bye to the child outside my door at drop off and does NOT come into the house. At pick up "I" say good bye to the child inside the house and send them out the door and the parent does NOT come in the house.

Both arrival and departure the child does not see the parent and I together. The parent brings the child to my door in the morning and says their goodbyes on my front step. They have as long as they want to say goodbye. They can spend an hour there if that's what they need. Once the parent knocks on my door then that is the signal that they are COMPLETELY DONE saying goodbye.

I open the door and just take the child over my threshold and shut the door very quickly. That makes the transition VERY short for the kid. This allows the parent to be the only adult tolerating the child's bad behavior. This takes away the audience for the child and parents bad behavior. This takes away the element of "you have to put up with my prince/princesses behavior because I am the boss of you and I pay you".

At departure the parent is to call me within five minutes of the arrival and we do the same thing in reverse. As soon as the parent arrives on my doorstep I open it up and assist the kid back over the threshold and quickly shut my door.

Rinse and repeat.

It usually takes about three days of the buh bye outside program to get both the parent and child to behave. By the third day the parent is bored out of their mind standing outside with their kid. The kid realizes that there isn't an audience for his behavior and the message that ANY time he is around the provider the provider is in charge is not broken or challenged.

I can always tell when we are ready to start integrating them back into the house by the decrease in the kids fit. I watch them thru the window. When the kid just comes and stands at my doorway looking at the door then I know it's time to start letting them EASE their way back into saying goodbye inside the house.

I start by allowing it at drop off but if the child causes any chaos they go back to saying good bye outside immediately. If drop off goes well for a few days then we try the inside departure. The slightest hint that the kid is going to act up and we go back to just donig the departure outside.

It's very important for the provider to take charge of the entire time the child is in your home. If you allow the parents to be the leader you will very often find that they won't do it. There are a LOT of parents who feel that their child should lead because they are special and they are theirs. It is becoming increasingly difficult to find parents who believe that they should always lead and that it is an embarrasment and a shame for their child to behave poorly around the day care.

It is an embarrasment and a shame that kids behave badly in public. We are their public. The only way to get the whole cycle to stop in my experience is to completely take charge of the entire thing. I don't allow ANY misbehavior when they are in my home. I don't hesitate in ANY way to discipline the children when they are under my roof. I don't give a flip whether their parents are here or not. The children NEVER see my behavior change when their parents arrive. I don't act differently to the child when the parent is here. I'm just as strict with my expectations whether the parent is there or not.

I don't allow parents to misbehave in my house. If they do not seize control of their kid and despite my interjections the kids are still acting up then they are not allowed the PRIVLEDGE of doing arrivals and departures inside my home. Once the parent and child looses the privledge of arrivals and departures inside they very quickly get bored of the rediculous behavior and start behaviing... BOTH the parent and the child start behaving.

Bottom line is stop allowing the kid and the parent to misbehave on your properly. Your house your rulses for EVERYBODY. Be the leader the child and parent need you to be. Be the leader every second of the time you have them in your home.

When you lead they will follow and peace will be yours.
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Old 02-17-2011, 11:14 AM
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take Nan's advice if at all possible.

Welcome!!
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Old 02-17-2011, 11:41 AM
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YEP like I suggested before this CHANGING OF THE GAURD needs its own sticky post that no one can comment on one can just read when needed. It would have multiple clicks.
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Old 02-17-2011, 11:52 AM
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I LOVE the changing of the guard, buh bye outside!!! Just out of curiosity what is the reaction from parents when you tell them they have to say goodbye outside?? I just might have to try it...pick ups really can't get any worse!
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Old 02-17-2011, 11:57 AM
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I have tried sending him upstairs and let mom get him ready, but the behavior she allows is unacceptable. He will either hurt himself (jumping off stairs) hurt someone else (throwing shoes down the stairs), or destroy my property. It's frustrating because I have a houseful of other kids who need my attention or everything turns to chaos!

Thanks for the advise guys, it's always good to hear what works for others.
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Old 02-17-2011, 12:35 PM
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I have tried sending him upstairs and let mom get him ready, but the behavior she allows is unacceptable. He will either hurt himself (jumping off stairs) hurt someone else (throwing shoes down the stairs), or destroy my property.
Shame on his Mom.
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Old 02-17-2011, 01:28 PM
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Get him ready at 4. Let him sit with a book until she gets there. Tell him that until you see a change in his behavior, this will happen every day.

Good luck.
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Old 02-17-2011, 01:40 PM
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I have the same problem. My DCB (almost 5 years old) turns into an animal at pick-up and Mom just stands there as I run after him reprimanding him. It's lovely - he hurts himself and the other kids and Mom tells him to tell them sorry - that's it. Just recently I had a group meeting with the kids and we discussed what rules they thought should be followed during pick-up (of course they knew exactly what should be happening). I have a chart in my pick-up area with the rules they came up with listed. Each day we follow these rules, we get a star, no second chances or flexibility with the rules. Once we have 5 stars, they get to watch a movie. This is a big deal for these kids since we don't watch television at daycare. We just started it this week and they've been doing well so far.

Good luck! I wish I could follow Nannyde's technique but I don't have the backbone
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Old 02-17-2011, 01:46 PM
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YEP like I suggested before this CHANGING OF THE GAURD needs its own sticky post that no one can comment on one can just read when needed. It would have multiple clicks.
ALL of her policies need to be in their own sticky. heck, she needs her own category... the "ask Nannyde" forum
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Old 02-17-2011, 02:35 PM
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I really like the movie idea and I think he may respond well to that. He watches LOTS of movies at home and is always whinning about not getting to watch "cartoons" at daycare. I might have to try this next week and see how it goes!
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Old 02-17-2011, 06:02 PM
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I really like the movie idea and I think he may respond well to that. He watches LOTS of movies at home and is always whinning about not getting to watch "cartoons" at daycare. I might have to try this next week and see how it goes!
Sounds like we may have the same kid!
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Old 02-17-2011, 06:13 PM
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this might not be the answer for everyone...but it works well for me. i give out a small "prize" for good behavior (its never candy or food - stickers, pencils, plastic jewelry) about three days a week. I have a few who like to show out when Mommy arrives, so I never give out the prize until they are about walk out. I usually say something like, "Okay, lets get our coat and hat on, and when we're finished we can take a look at the Treasure Chest". That gives them the cue that misbehavior at this point would not work in their favor
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Old 02-26-2016, 06:11 AM
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Default How to handle daycare moms

From reading posts, I am not alone in daycare children acting out when a parent arrives. My problem is the parent when this happens. I have a one year old who knows not to go in the kitchen or in the bedrooms, etc. and when the parent gets here - that's all he tries to do: Go in the pantry and start pulling stuff out, climbing on the couch, trying to open doors, etc. I've had to lock the doors I don't want him in and latch the pantry. The other 5 kids don't try to get in those areas and mind the rules even when their parent gets here. The mom calmly says "Come on. Don't you want to go home" "Let's look at this toy" etc. Never tells him no and in the meantime, I am telling him no, removing him from the room and she sees this. Then she sees the other kids trying to copy her kid and then I have to start disciplining them and they wouldn't otherwise act out. It's like she is completely ignoring his behavior and it's all because if she were to put her foot down he would have a complete meltdown and scream his head off. So, she allows him to do this for about 1/2 hour everyday and it's driving me crazy. It's not like she doesn't know I don't want him too and she sees the extra baby proofing I've had to do just because of him. Why is she so ignorant?
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Old 02-26-2016, 06:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
From reading posts, I am not alone in daycare children acting out when a parent arrives. My problem is the parent when this happens. I have a one year old who knows not to go in the kitchen or in the bedrooms, etc. and when the parent gets here - that's all he tries to do: Go in the pantry and start pulling stuff out, climbing on the couch, trying to open doors, etc. I've had to lock the doors I don't want him in and latch the pantry. The other 5 kids don't try to get in those areas and mind the rules even when their parent gets here. The mom calmly says "Come on. Don't you want to go home" "Let's look at this toy" etc. Never tells him no and in the meantime, I am telling him no, removing him from the room and she sees this. Then she sees the other kids trying to copy her kid and then I have to start disciplining them and they wouldn't otherwise act out. It's like she is completely ignoring his behavior and it's all because if she were to put her foot down he would have a complete meltdown and scream his head off. So, she allows him to do this for about 1/2 hour everyday and it's driving me crazy. It's not like she doesn't know I don't want him too and she sees the extra baby proofing I've had to do just because of him. Why is she so ignorant?
Mom is ignoring his bad behaviors but you are ignoring mom's bad behavior.

Straight up tell her that her the issue. If she can't manage her child you may have to rethink pick up strategies.

For example, have her text you when she is on her way....dress her child and hand him OUT the door the second she arrives.

Don't allow her in the house to start the normal song and dance that's been happening.

It's YOUR house and YOUR business.

You don't have to allow your clients to behave this way.... you just have to do the hard part and tell them as well as enforce it.

Its just as much your responsibility as it is mom's.
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Old 02-26-2016, 11:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
From reading posts, I am not alone in daycare children acting out when a parent arrives. My problem is the parent when this happens. I have a one year old who knows not to go in the kitchen or in the bedrooms, etc. and when the parent gets here - that's all he tries to do: Go in the pantry and start pulling stuff out, climbing on the couch, trying to open doors, etc. I've had to lock the doors I don't want him in and latch the pantry. The other 5 kids don't try to get in those areas and mind the rules even when their parent gets here. The mom calmly says "Come on. Don't you want to go home" "Let's look at this toy" etc. Never tells him no and in the meantime, I am telling him no, removing him from the room and she sees this. Then she sees the other kids trying to copy her kid and then I have to start disciplining them and they wouldn't otherwise act out. It's like she is completely ignoring his behavior and it's all because if she were to put her foot down he would have a complete meltdown and scream his head off. So, she allows him to do this for about 1/2 hour everyday and it's driving me crazy. It's not like she doesn't know I don't want him too and she sees the extra baby proofing I've had to do just because of him. Why is she so ignorant?
You are allowing her to be. I find that it happens often for the kids to act up to see 'who's in control.' It had been getting bad for 2 of my kids lately. When it does, I have them ready to go. If they aren't dressed, ready to go and they start acting up, then I have no qualms about being in charge in MY home. I will do my usual routine of counting and warning them of what the consequence will be. Then I follow through with the consequence if need be, even with the parent watching us. I can tell they are uncomfortable with it, but seriously, if you aren't going to keep your kids from hanging on rails, etc. for the umpteenth time, then I WILL. Especially if it regards lack of respect for my home or people.
I have one mom that now just grabs the kid and the coat, etc. and just go if dck starts acting up at pick up and the other mom sounded like me when she dropped off her dck, 'you need to be done with your tantrum,' then the kid hit her head and she said,' that's what happens when you throw fits.' just like I would have said.
If parents aren't going to take control of their kid, then I do. If it is a problem, I will spend days/weeks of having their child ready to go out the door so the parent can get the hint, or at least I and the other kids don't have the distraction. I am lucky that I also have a door to my front 'foyer', so I can always say goodbye and shut the door as my hint that we aren't going to be an audience to the child's shenanigans anymore. That's been working with another child I have lately.
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