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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>How to handle defiance?
Onawhim 07:06 AM 05-14-2015
I had a dcb who just turned 3 and oh my has his attitude changed in the past few weeks. Anything I ask him to do he refuses. Time to get read for outside. Doesn't want to. Time for snack. Doesn't want to. Time to clean up doesn't want to. It's like everything needs to haopen at his pace on his terms or not at all. It adds about 10 mins to everything we do. How do I nip this in the butt and fast!!
Blackcat31 07:27 AM 05-14-2015
A little bit of 1, 2, 3 usually solves this issue pretty quickly.
1: "Johnny, it's time to clean up your toys"
Johnny refuses and continues to play.
Johnny may be having a fit right now too (but still not complying) but ignore.
2: "Johnny, pick up the toys now"
Johnny ignores you and continues playing (or having a fit).
Continue to ignore him.
3: Walk over to him, lead him by the hand (pick up if necessary) and place him in the time out chair/spot etc.
Say to him "You were told to clean up. You did not listen. You need to stay put until I tell you."
Walk away and go about your business. After a few minutes tell Johnny he may get up IF he is going to clean up his toys. If he is not going to clean, he may continue to sit.
Go about your business. Serve snack, do whatever activities you would normally have done. Give as little attention to Johnny as possible. Make sure your tone is neutral but firm. Don't allow him to see that you are upset, bothered, exasperated etc... He IS looking for a reaction from you.
If you are going outside, then have him sit by you outside. Do not allow him to go play. Let him know he is not allowed to play because he did not comply with your directions. After he has done his "time" sitting by you, allow him to go play. When you go back inside, he must pick up his toys. If her refuses, he goes to sit again while you continue on with your regular routine.
He WILL get it. He is only testing his boundaries because he is suddenly aware that he has them and they "might" be negotiable.
It's super common for 3 yr olds to do this.
Biggest thing is you can't show emotion. You can't let him know any of it bothers you. The only time you should show emotion is if he is being outright defiant or rude....then you can get really stern in your commands so he understand that he might be playing a game but you are not.
Rinse and repeat.... and welcome to the lovely age of 3.
1: "Johnny, it's time to clean up your toys"
Johnny refuses and continues to play.
Johnny may be having a fit right now too (but still not complying) but ignore.
2: "Johnny, pick up the toys now"
Johnny ignores you and continues playing (or having a fit).
Continue to ignore him.
3: Walk over to him, lead him by the hand (pick up if necessary) and place him in the time out chair/spot etc.
Say to him "You were told to clean up. You did not listen. You need to stay put until I tell you."
Walk away and go about your business. After a few minutes tell Johnny he may get up IF he is going to clean up his toys. If he is not going to clean, he may continue to sit.
Go about your business. Serve snack, do whatever activities you would normally have done. Give as little attention to Johnny as possible. Make sure your tone is neutral but firm. Don't allow him to see that you are upset, bothered, exasperated etc... He IS looking for a reaction from you.
If you are going outside, then have him sit by you outside. Do not allow him to go play. Let him know he is not allowed to play because he did not comply with your directions. After he has done his "time" sitting by you, allow him to go play. When you go back inside, he must pick up his toys. If her refuses, he goes to sit again while you continue on with your regular routine.
He WILL get it. He is only testing his boundaries because he is suddenly aware that he has them and they "might" be negotiable.
It's super common for 3 yr olds to do this.
Biggest thing is you can't show emotion. You can't let him know any of it bothers you. The only time you should show emotion is if he is being outright defiant or rude....then you can get really stern in your commands so he understand that he might be playing a game but you are not.
Rinse and repeat.... and welcome to the lovely age of 3.
Controlled Chaos 11:22 AM 05-14-2015
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
A little bit of 1, 2, 3 usually solves this issue pretty quickly.
1: "Johnny, it's time to clean up your toys"
Johnny refuses and continues to play.
Johnny may be having a fit right now too (but still not complying) but ignore.
2: "Johnny, pick up the toys now"
Johnny ignores you and continues playing (or having a fit).
Continue to ignore him.
3: Walk over to him, lead him by the hand (pick up if necessary) and place him in the time out chair/spot etc.
Say to him "You were told to clean up. You did not listen. You need to stay put until I tell you."
Walk away and go about your business. After a few minutes tell Johnny he may get up IF he is going to clean up his toys. If he is not going to clean, he may continue to sit.
Go about your business. Serve snack, do whatever activities you would normally have done. Give as little attention to Johnny as possible. Make sure your tone is neutral but firm. Don't allow him to see that you are upset, bothered, exasperated etc... He IS looking for a reaction from you.
If you are going outside, then have him sit by you outside. Do not allow him to go play. Let him know he is not allowed to play because he did not comply with your directions. After he has done his "time" sitting by you, allow him to go play. When you go back inside, he must pick up his toys. If her refuses, he goes to sit again while you continue on with your regular routine.
He WILL get it. He is only testing his boundaries because he is suddenly aware that he has them and they "might" be negotiable.
It's super common for 3 yr olds to do this.
Biggest thing is you can't show emotion. You can't let him know any of it bothers you. The only time you should show emotion is if he is being outright defiant or rude....then you can get really stern in your commands so he understand that he might be playing a game but you are not.
Rinse and repeat.... and welcome to the lovely age of 3.
A little bit of 1, 2, 3 usually solves this issue pretty quickly.
1: "Johnny, it's time to clean up your toys"
Johnny refuses and continues to play.
Johnny may be having a fit right now too (but still not complying) but ignore.
2: "Johnny, pick up the toys now"
Johnny ignores you and continues playing (or having a fit).
Continue to ignore him.
3: Walk over to him, lead him by the hand (pick up if necessary) and place him in the time out chair/spot etc.
Say to him "You were told to clean up. You did not listen. You need to stay put until I tell you."
Walk away and go about your business. After a few minutes tell Johnny he may get up IF he is going to clean up his toys. If he is not going to clean, he may continue to sit.
Go about your business. Serve snack, do whatever activities you would normally have done. Give as little attention to Johnny as possible. Make sure your tone is neutral but firm. Don't allow him to see that you are upset, bothered, exasperated etc... He IS looking for a reaction from you.
If you are going outside, then have him sit by you outside. Do not allow him to go play. Let him know he is not allowed to play because he did not comply with your directions. After he has done his "time" sitting by you, allow him to go play. When you go back inside, he must pick up his toys. If her refuses, he goes to sit again while you continue on with your regular routine.
He WILL get it. He is only testing his boundaries because he is suddenly aware that he has them and they "might" be negotiable.
It's super common for 3 yr olds to do this.
Biggest thing is you can't show emotion. You can't let him know any of it bothers you. The only time you should show emotion is if he is being outright defiant or rude....then you can get really stern in your commands so he understand that he might be playing a game but you are not.
Rinse and repeat.... and welcome to the lovely age of 3.
Three...so much harder than 2 lol
AmyKidsCo 01:19 PM 05-14-2015
I don't engage in defiance/power struggles.
Not ready when it's time to go outside?
"That's OK. You can sit by the door and finish; I'll come back in to get you when you're ready." (Or, if you can't trust him...) "Come on outside and sit by the gate until you are ready." (I hope the ground is cold on those bare feet!)
Don't want to come eat snack?
"That's OK, I'll bet Mom and Dad will make a good supper." (If he comes late...) "Oh no, I'm sorry - it's too late to start snack now, you need to come with everyone else. But that's OK; we'll have snack again tomorrow."
Doesn't want to help clean up?
"You can help clean up, or you can sit at the table." (Carry him over if you need to. If he changes his mind, let him help. If not...) "Oh, I'm sorry - I only have stickers for children who help clean up. We'll try again tomorrow."
Agreed with BC not to get upset. I personally try not to get upset when they're defiant either (it's a Love and Logic thing) because the bottom line is that I'm the adult and no matter what they say or do I'm still in charge.
Not ready when it's time to go outside?
"That's OK. You can sit by the door and finish; I'll come back in to get you when you're ready." (Or, if you can't trust him...) "Come on outside and sit by the gate until you are ready." (I hope the ground is cold on those bare feet!)
Don't want to come eat snack?
"That's OK, I'll bet Mom and Dad will make a good supper." (If he comes late...) "Oh no, I'm sorry - it's too late to start snack now, you need to come with everyone else. But that's OK; we'll have snack again tomorrow."
Doesn't want to help clean up?
"You can help clean up, or you can sit at the table." (Carry him over if you need to. If he changes his mind, let him help. If not...) "Oh, I'm sorry - I only have stickers for children who help clean up. We'll try again tomorrow."
Agreed with BC not to get upset. I personally try not to get upset when they're defiant either (it's a Love and Logic thing) because the bottom line is that I'm the adult and no matter what they say or do I'm still in charge.
daycare 01:41 PM 05-14-2015
Sounds like a control issue
I would do this. Give options.
Kid says. I don't want to go out side Or no
My response would you like to go outside or take a nap ?
Kid says no
Me: oh you must be too tired to listen let's take a nap. Follow throug
Rinse and repeat. I have one that is 3 and used to do this to me.
Kid still tries it once in awhile. But giving choices lets them feel like they are in control but what they don't realize is that you are making the choices for them and letting them decide.
Kids like to make choices. You just have to give them the options.
I would do this. Give options.
Kid says. I don't want to go out side Or no
My response would you like to go outside or take a nap ?
Kid says no
Me: oh you must be too tired to listen let's take a nap. Follow throug
Rinse and repeat. I have one that is 3 and used to do this to me.
Kid still tries it once in awhile. But giving choices lets them feel like they are in control but what they don't realize is that you are making the choices for them and letting them decide.
Kids like to make choices. You just have to give them the options.
Unregistered 01:44 PM 05-15-2015
Originally Posted by daycare:
Sounds like a control issue
I would do this. Give options.
Kid says. I don't want to go out side Or no
My response would you like to go outside or take a nap ?
Kid says no
Me: oh you must be too tired to listen let's take a nap. Follow throug
Rinse and repeat. I have one that is 3 and used to do this to me.
Kid still tries it once in awhile. But giving choices lets them feel like they are in control but what they don't realize is that you are making the choices for them and letting them decide.
Kids like to make choices. You just have to give them the options.
What would you do if he started playing during his nap?Sounds like a control issue
I would do this. Give options.
Kid says. I don't want to go out side Or no
My response would you like to go outside or take a nap ?
Kid says no
Me: oh you must be too tired to listen let's take a nap. Follow throug
Rinse and repeat. I have one that is 3 and used to do this to me.
Kid still tries it once in awhile. But giving choices lets them feel like they are in control but what they don't realize is that you are making the choices for them and letting them decide.
Kids like to make choices. You just have to give them the options.
Unregistered 06:39 PM 05-19-2015
I set up expectations before they start to play if someone is starting to refuse to clean. I say that to have the fun of playing with toys you need to help clean up. I might set up the expectation as soon as they come in the door or during breakfast.
I'm quite aware of the child and only let him get out a few things. I say you need to pick those up when you're done. Don't get them out if you are not going to put them away. You are responsible for picking them up. He has to put them away before he can move on.
I have gone as far to limit choices during the next play time for a child that refuses to clean up. Like really limited. It's basically a time out from the toys.
I do the choices option lots too like daycare described.
I'm quite aware of the child and only let him get out a few things. I say you need to pick those up when you're done. Don't get them out if you are not going to put them away. You are responsible for picking them up. He has to put them away before he can move on.
I have gone as far to limit choices during the next play time for a child that refuses to clean up. Like really limited. It's basically a time out from the toys.
I do the choices option lots too like daycare described.
daycare 06:57 PM 05-19-2015
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
What would you do if he started playing during his nap?
I would put him in a place he can't play during his nap and leave him be he will get bored really quickWhat would you do if he started playing during his nap?
Unregistered 07:08 PM 05-19-2015
Also, I do the "catch a child doing something right". I notice and comment on what the children are doing right during the day and comment on it. You get more of what you pay attention to.
I also have left a small pile if toys on the floor. At our next playtime I use when/then. I say "When you clean up these toys, then you can get other toys out.
I also use a sticker chart for clean up ...very helpful but not foolproof!
I have a child's pair of binoculars. I use them and say, I see B picking up, I see S picking up, etc. they love to hear their name...again works very well, but not foolproof!
To give kids some power I have other types choices during the day. The super star gets to pick which plate they want for lunch. I have cute sectioned plates from Target with pictures. They love to have a choice.
I also have names on craft sticks. I pull names and give choices like where do you want to sit for lunch. Or I ask do you want pink or yellow playdoh, etc.
I also have left a small pile if toys on the floor. At our next playtime I use when/then. I say "When you clean up these toys, then you can get other toys out.
I also use a sticker chart for clean up ...very helpful but not foolproof!
I have a child's pair of binoculars. I use them and say, I see B picking up, I see S picking up, etc. they love to hear their name...again works very well, but not foolproof!
To give kids some power I have other types choices during the day. The super star gets to pick which plate they want for lunch. I have cute sectioned plates from Target with pictures. They love to have a choice.
I also have names on craft sticks. I pull names and give choices like where do you want to sit for lunch. Or I ask do you want pink or yellow playdoh, etc.
Unregistered 08:44 AM 05-20-2015
Originally Posted by daycare:
I would put him in a place he can't play during his nap and leave him be he will get bored really quick
I have one that I have done this with. It didn't work. She just played on the floor.I would put him in a place he can't play during his nap and leave him be he will get bored really quick
daycare 08:56 AM 05-20-2015
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I have one that I have done this with. It didn't work. She just played on the floor.
I would just leave her be. It's her choice. Trust me when i tell you that after doing that a few times and hearing all of her friends have a GREAT over the top fantastic time, she will be begging to get off of nap time.....I have one that I have done this with. It didn't work. She just played on the floor.
You have to do it more than once for it to work for some kids.
I have a motto I live by with all kids no matter your age. Kids who don't listen don't have any fun. every child learns that really fast here.
Hunni Bee 11:52 AM 05-21-2015
I wish this worked with mine. He's 5 and does this All. Day. Long. He basically complies with nothing. Like pp said, it adds 10-20 extra minutes to everything. If you ignore him, he just forces you to pay attention by escalating.
He does not accept consequences. The whole "oh you didn't do x, so you are now sitting" sets off the worst tantrums I've ever seen.
He's currently being evaluated thank goodness. He makes me so tired. We've had such a good week because he's been out.
He does not accept consequences. The whole "oh you didn't do x, so you are now sitting" sets off the worst tantrums I've ever seen.
He's currently being evaluated thank goodness. He makes me so tired. We've had such a good week because he's been out.
Unregistered 01:37 PM 05-21-2015
Originally Posted by Hunni Bee:
I wish this worked with mine. He's 5 and does this All. Day. Long. He basically complies with nothing. Like pp said, it adds 10-20 extra minutes to everything. If you ignore him, he just forces you to pay attention by escalating.
He does not accept consequences. The whole "oh you didn't do x, so you are now sitting" sets off the worst tantrums I've ever seen.
He's currently being evaluated thank goodness. He makes me so tired. We've had such a good week because he's been out.
It's so frustrating. Difficult, difficult, difficult. I can only imagine what the teenage years will be like if it continues.I wish this worked with mine. He's 5 and does this All. Day. Long. He basically complies with nothing. Like pp said, it adds 10-20 extra minutes to everything. If you ignore him, he just forces you to pay attention by escalating.
He does not accept consequences. The whole "oh you didn't do x, so you are now sitting" sets off the worst tantrums I've ever seen.
He's currently being evaluated thank goodness. He makes me so tired. We've had such a good week because he's been out.