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Daycare Insurance>Input For Very Aggressive Youngster
LadyPearl 10:14 AM 01-16-2014
Hello,

I would love some input! I care for a little guy who will be 2 next month. He is the sweetest little boy when he is in a good mood. However, he is miserable, mean, and tries to bully the other kids when he is upset. (He easily gets upset.) He fights his dad at pick-up time and fights me terribly when I'm strapping him in his carseat. I get the feeling that he does whatever he wants and is babied at home. I know he's only 2 but he's almost out of control with hitting others with his hands and toys if he is holding them, kicking, pulling hair, throwing things, etc. To me, he seems a bit too aggressive to be chalked up simply to terrible twos. I'm using timeouts but yesterday he was in timeout 10-12 times within 30 minutes. He'll get up and literally go after somebody. Any thoughts?
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Annalee 10:16 AM 01-16-2014
Originally Posted by amber1982:
Hello,

I would love some input! I care for a little guy who will be 2 next month. He is the sweetest little boy when he is in a good mood. However, he is miserable, mean, and tries to bully the other kids when he is upset. (He easily gets upset.) He fights his dad at pick-up time and fights me terribly when I'm strapping him in his carseat. I get the feeling that he does whatever he wants and is babied at home. I know he's only 2 but he's almost out of control with hitting others with his hands and toys if he is holding them, kicking, pulling hair, throwing things, etc. To me, he seems a bit too aggressive to be chalked up simply to terrible twos. I'm using timeouts but yesterday he was in timeout 10-12 times within 30 minutes. He'll get up and literally go after somebody. Any thoughts?
Sounds like he has a lot of anger built up inside. Any changes at home?
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LadyPearl 10:21 AM 01-16-2014
Originally Posted by dapb45:
Sounds like he has a lot of anger built up inside. Any changes at home?
Not that I'm aware of but I just started caring for him and a sibling 2 weeks ago. I don't believe it's the provider switch because he warms up to people quickly. I was also sort of warned by the parents when we had our first meeting. I almost wonder if this is why they needed a new provider.
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Heidi 10:28 AM 01-16-2014
I know "supernanny" is a big fan of time-outs, but honestly, they don't work with most 2 year olds. Obviously, if you're using them that often, they are having no affect.

Things that work for me:

Positive, positive, positive. My 2 year old here loves being my helper (and he's a young 2). So, I give him little tasks to do, and ask him often
"can you help me with this?". Then, he gets positive attention for being helpful. Also, if I see him doing something nice, like giving the baby a toy, again..."thank yoU! You are so helpful!" He is so proud.

"Gentle hands"...again, telling him what he SHOULD do vs. what he should not.

Into the carseat, I would also ask him to help you get him in. Can you buckle it? Yay! My DCB pitches a fit for mom, but if he goes in my car, he's fine. At meals, he gets into his booster willingly, and helps buckle himself in.

Distraction... If there is a cycle of hitting/fighting, he may just need an activity at the table so he and everyone else can get a break. "How about, you sit in your chair for a few minutes, and I'll find you a toy?" I have a few things out of reach that are kept for special times.

Redirection..Going after a toy someone else has? "Other kiddo is using that right now, you can use it when he is done. How about we find you something else to play with?

Make him an area of his own, if that's possible. If you have a super-gate, you can create a corner for him. Make it his special area, and in a kind way, say "it looks like you need a little alone time. Here is a place you can play where no one will bother you!" Again, a few toys, rotated frequently. This could be something you do for the whole group; have a one-person-only area where they can get away for a while.

If he's not talking, find some baby signs online and teach them to him. Say the words while you make the sign, and that will help him communicate. I think a lot of 2's just get so frustrated because their thoughts are way ahead of their expressive language.

Give him warnings (in 5 minutes, it's going to be time to get ready), and also acknowledge his feelings. "I know you don't want to put your shoes on, I can hear you saying that. But, it's time to go. It's not a choice. Now, which shoe do you want to put on first? " The old...limited choices.

I hope that helps. My little dcb-26 months, is a doll now. But, there was a point where he was biting and throwing a lot of tantrums.
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Neekie 10:38 AM 01-16-2014
I have this very same child. LOL I am interested in everyone's answers, too. We have tried everything. Only difference is our's is a girl.
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TwinKristi 10:51 AM 01-16-2014
Originally Posted by Heidi:
I know "supernanny" is a big fan of time-outs, but honestly, they don't work with most 2 year olds. Obviously, if you're using them that often, they are having no affect.

Things that work for me:

Positive, positive, positive. My 2 year old here loves being my helper (and he's a young 2). So, I give him little tasks to do, and ask him often
"can you help me with this?". Then, he gets positive attention for being helpful. Also, if I see him doing something nice, like giving the baby a toy, again..."thank yoU! You are so helpful!" He is so proud.

"Gentle hands"...again, telling him what he SHOULD do vs. what he should not.

Into the carseat, I would also ask him to help you get him in. Can you buckle it? Yay! My DCB pitches a fit for mom, but if he goes in my car, he's fine. At meals, he gets into his booster willingly, and helps buckle himself in.

Distraction... If there is a cycle of hitting/fighting, he may just need an activity at the table so he and everyone else can get a break. "How about, you sit in your chair for a few minutes, and I'll find you a toy?" I have a few things out of reach that are kept for special times.

Redirection..Going after a toy someone else has? "Other kiddo is using that right now, you can use it when he is done. How about we find you something else to play with?

Make him an area of his own, if that's possible. If you have a super-gate, you can create a corner for him. Make it his special area, and in a kind way, say "it looks like you need a little alone time. Here is a place you can play where no one will bother you!" Again, a few toys, rotated frequently. This could be something you do for the whole group; have a one-person-only area where they can get away for a while.

If he's not talking, find some baby signs online and teach them to him. Say the words while you make the sign, and that will help him communicate. I think a lot of 2's just get so frustrated because their thoughts are way ahead of their expressive language.

Give him warnings (in 5 minutes, it's going to be time to get ready), and also acknowledge his feelings. "I know you don't want to put your shoes on, I can hear you saying that. But, it's time to go. It's not a choice. Now, which shoe do you want to put on first? " The old...limited choices.

I hope that helps. My little dcb-26 months, is a doll now. But, there was a point where he was biting and throwing a lot of tantrums.
great suggestions!!!
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Annalee 10:54 AM 01-16-2014
Originally Posted by amber1982:
Not that I'm aware of but I just started caring for him and a sibling 2 weeks ago. I don't believe it's the provider switch because he warms up to people quickly. I was also sort of warned by the parents when we had our first meeting. I almost wonder if this is why they needed a new provider.
Try making him a cozy corner with a few play materials in a soft pillow setting. If he comes out acting appropriately, let him play, if not, send him back. This way he has materials to use but is not bothering others.
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BrooklynM 11:15 AM 01-16-2014
Originally Posted by Heidi:
I know "supernanny" is a big fan of time-outs, but honestly, they don't work with most 2 year olds. Obviously, if you're using them that often, they are having no affect.

Things that work for me:

Positive, positive, positive. My 2 year old here loves being my helper (and he's a young 2). So, I give him little tasks to do, and ask him often
"can you help me with this?". Then, he gets positive attention for being helpful. Also, if I see him doing something nice, like giving the baby a toy, again..."thank yoU! You are so helpful!" He is so proud.

"Gentle hands"...again, telling him what he SHOULD do vs. what he should not.

Into the carseat, I would also ask him to help you get him in. Can you buckle it? Yay! My DCB pitches a fit for mom, but if he goes in my car, he's fine. At meals, he gets into his booster willingly, and helps buckle himself in.

Distraction... If there is a cycle of hitting/fighting, he may just need an activity at the table so he and everyone else can get a break. "How about, you sit in your chair for a few minutes, and I'll find you a toy?" I have a few things out of reach that are kept for special times.

Redirection..Going after a toy someone else has? "Other kiddo is using that right now, you can use it when he is done. How about we find you something else to play with?

Make him an area of his own, if that's possible. If you have a super-gate, you can create a corner for him. Make it his special area, and in a kind way, say "it looks like you need a little alone time. Here is a place you can play where no one will bother you!" Again, a few toys, rotated frequently. This could be something you do for the whole group; have a one-person-only area where they can get away for a while.

If he's not talking, find some baby signs online and teach them to him. Say the words while you make the sign, and that will help him communicate. I think a lot of 2's just get so frustrated because their thoughts are way ahead of their expressive language.

Give him warnings (in 5 minutes, it's going to be time to get ready), and also acknowledge his feelings. "I know you don't want to put your shoes on, I can hear you saying that. But, it's time to go. It's not a choice. Now, which shoe do you want to put on first? " The old...limited choices.

I hope that helps. My little dcb-26 months, is a doll now. But, there was a point where he was biting and throwing a lot of tantrums.
I would also share what you are doing with the parents. Write up a handout of language to use so you are all consistent. Be consistent with your expectations and act swiftly each time so he knows that it is not acceptable. Let the parents know that they need to do the same exact thing at home because if you don't fix the behavior soon then you will need to term him if he is a danger to the other kids. Let them know that you see no reason that should happen if you guys are on the same page. Let them know that behavior can change in just a few days with consistency.

I just went through this with a DCB and we were able to change his behavior in a week. It was exhausting, but it was worth it. The parents were on board though as well.
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Heidi 11:48 AM 01-16-2014
Originally Posted by BrooklynM:
I would also share what you are doing with the parents. Write up a handout of language to use so you are all consistent. Be consistent with your expectations and act swiftly each time so he knows that it is not acceptable. Let the parents know that they need to do the same exact thing at home because if you don't fix the behavior soon then you will need to term him if he is a danger to the other kids. Let them know that you see no reason that should happen if you guys are on the same page. Let them know that behavior can change in just a few days with consistency.

I just went through this with a DCB and we were able to change his behavior in a week. It was exhausting, but it was worth it. The parents were on board though as well.
yes, yes, yes!

It really helps if you use the same language at home and at dc.

They've already had to switch daycares once, whether by choice or by force. I think you can afford to be honest with them, and share your strategies. The worst thing for HIM is to go through another change. The behavior will just get worse every time, because he will never bond with a provider. Part of the motivation for behaving appropriately is that the child cares about the adult, too. They want to please you. So, all that positive reinforcement encourages a bond. We've seen parents who can't or wont set limits because they want their child to like them. Funny thing is, most kids like you better when you're consistent and kind.
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Tags:liability, liability insurance, provider - burnout risk, safety issues, terminate - inappropriate behavior, violence in child care, violent behaviour
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