Hi, i'm new here to the boards and didn't know where else to go for help. The situation is this. I have a 17 month old son. I'm no longer w/ his mother but we pretty much have a shared custody agreement. (She has full but I get to see him week on / week off ) So my folks have done the daycare for him since he was 3 months old. They dont charge us for the daycare and at first this was amazing. But now, things have started to change. They get way more involved then they should. It's almost like they are trying to take over. They are constantly making rude comments to me about my parenting and talk about my ex and how bad of a parent she is (when she isn't around...they are VERY too faced and i'm sure they do the same to me when she's there and i'm not) They are also always telling us how to do this and that. I dont get along well with the ex so they are constantly playing off of both of us to keep us segregated and in control of our son. They are very manipulative and have even threatened to file for "grandparents rights" if we decide to pull him.

This would all be an easy situation to remedy by pulling my son except that i'm financially tied to my parents. I went through a year long custody battle in order to see my son as much as I get to and now i'm in debt up to my ears. They are helping me with my rent for the next few months and if I pull him not only will they take away the rent money but i'll have to find a new daycare and pay more money that i dont have.

The only light I see at the end of the tunnel is that he starts preschool in October. He'll be going until about noon 4 days a week with my parents picking him up at that time (because both myself and his mom have to work until 430) Eventually i'm going to push for full days so he's just at preschool all day and he wont be subjected to their sick behavior.

Does anyone have any advice i'm so frustrated!

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WOW that is a sad story I can't give you any help here except that I would really try to save as much money as possible even getting a second job the weeks that you don't have your son and try to get him out of the situation. I would also start keeping record of EVERYTHING because if they have said they will try get custody who knows what could come down on you. I would have dates and times of all of this stuff that is said to you. Good Luck

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First, get your custody agreement in writing. No provider is going to want to work with you without a custody agreement because it causes too many issues, YKWIM .

Truthfully.... you are going to have to do the hard work of becoming financially independent of your parents. Everything in your post is about money. They own you . You know I am telling you the truth....

There is no easy way of doing this. I have done the single mom thing, while in school full-time AND working without financial aide of any kind. It can be done.

You are going to have to think outside of the box, here. Can you trade labor for childcare? One of the single Dads I provided care for did some electrical and lawn work for me. It was fantastic!!!

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I know that you said you don't get along with your ex, and trust me I can relate...but I think the two of you need to sit down and come up with a game plan to keep your child safe. The situation with your parents doesn't sound healthy for anyone and is bound to leave the poor kid confused and frustrated.

No matter how difficult it is, you have to let go of your parents financial help in order to provide your son a safe and healthy environment. Good luck!

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I am sorry you are going through this and I applaud your efforts to do what is best for your child. In that same regard, I would either try to have a really frank discussion with your parents or if that is not possible then I would highly suggest you try to make amends enough with your son's mother so that the two of you can work together for your son and do what is best for him. You two do not have to like each other or get involved into any area of each others lives that does not have a direct impact on your son. Learning to co-parent is something that will benefit everyone in this situation.

Sometimes that means sucking it up and swallowing your pride or personal feelings about your ex for your son's sake. You and your ex are only in the beginnings of this long relationship of being parents to your son and as much as it may be hard, it is what you need to do.

Personally, I would try to work things out with her before I would attempt any reasoning wiht your parents. Grandparents can be silly and emotional when dealing with both a grandchild and child at the same time. Honestly, it isn't an ideal situation for anyone. It is nice that they help, but it seems to me that with so many strings attached it is actually hurting not helping you.

I would also encourage you to find a trusted friend, counselor, or clergy that can offer you some emotional support and an outside non-judgmental view.
Just do not forget that your son's well being is the ultimate goal and doing whatever it takes to assure that for him is the right thing to do. Good luck.

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Really, I am being understanding here. I've been in your shoes, and it's time for you to "man up"! i really am not trying to be mean here.

I was a single mom, no dad around for the first 6 years of my oldest daughters life. My parents let me live with them rent free. I paid my sister to watch her while I went to school and earned my degree. My parents watched her while I worked my mn. wage job. There was no way in the world I could have kept my dd without my parents help and support. Did we get along all the time? No. I really messed up and caused a huge change in their lives that they were not planning on at all! They were well beyond baby-raising years and I "ruined" some of their plans for that time in their life. Yes, they love my daughter dearly, and always did, but it was hard on them. suddenly their house was filled again with all that baby equipment. Suddenly they couldn't go out on weekends whenever they wanted, because they chose to support me and my daughter-and I worked weekends. At the time, I really didn't appreciate everything they did, but now that I'm older (wiser?) I shed tears of gratitude when I think of the sacrifices they made for the two of us.

When my dd was 2.5 I moved out of my parents house...it was just time. I worked 2 jobs and continued going to school full time. One of my jobs was at a daycare, so I did get to see her but not as much as I wanted to. I was broke and tired all the time! But it was what I needed to do because of the circumstances I put myself in.

If you and your child's mother are both part of his life, there should be no reason at all that you two can't act like grown-ups and figure this out. Your parents may not be perfect, but they are doint A LOT for you. If you don't appreciate it (not saying you don't) then stop letting them help. If you don't like their attitude, then speak respectfully to them about it. ( btw calling them two-faced is not respectful).
Only you can change your situation. Only you can determine what kind of life your son has. Do what you need to do

Kudos for being a dad to your son-there are too many "sperm donors' out there!

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Thanks for the responses.

Trust me. I'm looking for a second job but its a little harder than you think to find one willing to do every OTHER week and just in the evenings. And even with a second job with those hours it wouldn't cover the loss of my rent money and a new daycare provider. Also, the custody agreement is legal and binding with my ex. I get him every other week for a full week. I was in a custody battle for a year to make sure of this.

The thing about this whole situation is i'm just getting frustrated. On one hand they are extremely good with my son. If they weren't I would have pulled him a long time ago. There is no abuse, they teach him things, they keep him active, etc. The only problem I have with them is that they are constantly stepping over boundaries with their rude comments and temper tantrums. I swear its like i'm the parent to them sometimes. They've always been very mouthy and any kind of "talk" or "sitdown" only cures things temporarily. It really bugs me that they try and throw out the "grandparents rights" card every now and then, especially when they dont have a shot in hell of ever getting those rights. Neither myself or my ex would ever allow that. But see, they can get away with saying stuff like this because i'm financially tied to them and they know it.

Maybe I should just get thicker skin and bide my time until he starts going to preschool full time. I just dont want my son picking up their habits of talking negative about me because they do it right in front of him and that worries me that they will somehow turn him against me. Is this crazy?

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For a second job I suggest looking into companies that care for developmentally disabled adults. If you can find a job working in the adults' house it will most likely be evening or overnight work. My husband has sleeper shift a week on and a week off. Maybe you could even be a temp or sub for one or two of the companies in your area so you can take only the shifts that work with your schedule.

Anytime your parents start in on you or your ex remind them that you have discussed it and you don't want their advise at the current time. Ask that maybe you set a time aside later to discuss specifics. Remind them that your son is listening because every child listens when they are in ear shot regardless of age. Ask them to keep their comments light and positive and you can have a sit down with them when your son is not around.

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You had a hard time and stayed strong and saw it through. I don't know you but want to say your story says much about you and your determination to make your life better. Not quitting has saw me through so tough times to. It sure feels good to look back and see what you have just overcome!

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Actually, this would have been my dream job in college. I had to be on call and pick up drunks who threw up in my car constantly instead . You may be surprised at how affordable this may be since you only have one child.

Have you considered placing an add on your local trade school/community college peg board??? That would be a great start.

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I know it must be really, really tough having to depend on your folks; and believe me...they have turned their lives around to help you and their grandson out; so, maybe in their frustration they are using the "grandparent" card...I'd try to hold out until October til your son is in school and in the meantime, work as much as you can and save.

Also, before you get out of bed every morning...thank God for a new day...a new day with your son and helpful parents even with their faults. I, really believe if you just try to do this daily, it will help and you will begin to see things from a "better" perspective. I, too, don't want to sound mean...but sometimes it helps us to adjust our attitude and bite our tongue. Your parents aren't perfect, maybe a teeny bit frustrated, but full of love for you and their grandson.

(((HUGS))) - life can be hard, but God is there to help you out, buddy. And you've got us here to give advice We care! Keep in touch.

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you need to discuss with them privately, without your child present, how the negative talk needs to end. even if they think your child is not listening, he is. if they are talking bad about either of you, or putting down your parenting, your child is LEARNING. He will then learn that he can walk all over YOU!.

My parents split when I was about 15 yrs old. They both bad mouthed the other constantly to my sister and I. We were put in the middle of their divorce, and it sucked. I, being younger, rebelled. I also took advantage of the emotions and used both of my parents to get what i wanted. I regret doing that NOW, but back then, I couldn't care. When I saw my dad was weak, I jumped on every opportunity I could. My dad was always the disciplinarian, the tough one, the man I looked up to. And when I saw he was human, I realized I could get what I wanted. I also realized, that they were battling for favoritism. THEY each wanted to be #1 parent. Both my husband and I's parents split up and did this. Truth is, even to this day, they have created so many issues with this, that we only like one parent at a time. If i'm getting along well with my dad, I'm not getting along the greatest with my mother. My dad has pointed out many flaws in my mom that I never knew were there, but now they are right there in my face. and vice versa. I SEE THINGS that I never would have seen in a million years, I know things too that I should never have known. And it sucks because at 25 yrs old, with our own families now, it's still a battle. I hate every holiday, or special occassion because it's stressful, and always results in a fight between me and someone. Parents are always argueing and fighting for time and attention. It's disgusting.

Your folks are setting this poor child up for a lot of problems. You need to go in there, calm, collected, write a note or have an index card ready just so you can touch on everything you need to say, and not forget anything. You need to thank them, and tell them how much you appreciate what they are doing, and how much they've helped you...BUT you would like them to bite their tongues in front of your child. To stop talking negatively about their mother, and you, about situations etc. AT LEAST in front of him.

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I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I've never had to rely on my parent's income or their babysitting, so I can't relate on that level. What I can relate to is the "poisoning". That's what your parents are doing in front of you and behind your back - poisoning your child against you.

Without going into detail as to what they tried unsuccessfully to do to me, here's what I did: I researched "poisoning" of children against parents and also watched a Dr. Phil episode on it. It's actually illegal for your parents to be doing this, at least in my state. After that, I notified them through my ex to the information I'd learned through my research and television program (and asked them to look it up and watch it) and that I will get a restraining order against them if need be to protect my child and my relationship together. At least my ex was on my side and still is and said he'd never support their bid toward grandparent's rights, which they would never attempt after all the evidence I have against them. Needless to say, my child is no longer allowed to be alone for any extended periods of time with them anymore. Because they know I will make good on my promises, that scared them enough to vow to stop and that they didn't want to lose their grandchild. Magically how I haven't had any problems since. Now, my finances are completely opposite from yours.

I am completely independent from my parents and my ex for that matter and always have been, so they could never use that against me. I've also had no other issues. I can tell you that a friend of mine went through what you're going through and she lost, the in law grandparents got grandparents rights, but partly because her ex supported them doing so. Document everything - keep a notebook in your car or a space they can't get access to. Make multiple copies of any letters or other documents just in case the original gets destroyed. Get a second job - there were lots of good suggestions on part time help. The hospital systems are good places to check out too. Do whatever you can do to get more hours at your current job on the weeks you don't have your child. Take action, don't ever accept excuses. Invest in a suit, it helps get a job.

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I agree, document, document, document everything regarding your son and keep it in a secure place.

First step - you and your ex need to sit down and have a one to one conversation about what is going on. Regardless of the past and what you two think about each other, it's not about you now. It is all about your child. The two of you need a united front for the health and safety of your child.

Two - you and your ex need to sit down and have a calm conversation with your parents, showing them a united front. Explain to them that as much as the TWO of you appreciate their help, this is your son and this is how you would like things done.

As long as the two of you allow your parents to meddle into your relationship, things will never improve.

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Hi Taylorsdad, So sorry you are in such a spot. Is there any way you could get help paying for daycare through an agency so you wouldnt have to have your child in that situation? Maybe get a second part time job deleiveirng pizzas or some thing to bring in a little more $? I know, its easy for me to say. Also the trading for labor thing, I have heard a few providers say how well that worked out. How are you paying for preschool once he starts that? I would get everything in writtng as far as custody b/c most daycares will need a copy. Save as much money as you can now so hopefully one day you can be free of them. They need to know that you are the parent and not them. Is there any way you cuold rent a place and get some roomates? That would sure get you out of there reach a bit more. All food for thought. Good luck and keep us posted!

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