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  #1  
Old 09-09-2011, 07:39 AM
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Default Step Parenting

Is anyone on here a step-parent and a parent to your own children?

Do you find step-parenting harder than parenting your own child/ren?
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Old 09-09-2011, 08:27 AM
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I've heard/observed many friends, clients, ect. on their family dynamics with steps, and can honestly say I would never have put my own children through that, whatever cost.
Mainly because I haven't seen too many cases where it works out, and its more turmoil to the children involved. Today people are changing spouses like underwear, and having more children with other people and in the end the kids are the ones to suffer. It always amazes me how the parents will act like it works, but if you talk to the children its really sad. Especially if the ex's are fighting. Our neighbor got divorced and moved the boyfriends 2 children in, poor kids were miserable and clearly it wasn't a good situation; yet she chose the man over her own kids. A very common senerio in my experience, especially in this day and age.

If it were me I would date until the children were grown, unless it was one of the few situations where it could work out and most important the children all agreed and were happy with the arrangements.
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Old 09-09-2011, 09:02 AM
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Yes, and Yes.

I find step-parenting harder Because my parenting ideas/goals/style does not always line up with those of my step children's Mother. She is a Good Mother we just do not see eye to eye on some things and as the step parent somethings i only get part of my husbands "vote" not a full "vote" like with my own children. Also, my children live primarily with us and my step children live primarily with their Mother which means that my step children are not here as often and sometimes they forget that somethings/rules are different at this House than at their House.

How long have you been a step parent I found that it got much easier after about 2 years by that time my husband and i had established what I got a "full vote" on and what I only got to express my opinion on.
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Old 09-09-2011, 09:19 AM
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I'm a step-parent and my step-son lives with me, my husband and my 4 children.

With a large family, my children learned at a young age to assist me with chores and learned to be self sufficient. (Example: They didn't have to ask for a cup to get a drink, they just got a cup and got their own drink. They put their own clean clothes in their drawers, etc.)

My step-son on the other hand finds ways to crawl under my skin, completely defy my rules, etc and there is no reprocussion for it. My kids get in trouble, not only do they have to deal with me but their step dad will pitch in and their punishment is agreed upon. That's not the case with his child. He might get yelled at or told he's grounded but there's never any follow through.

I think they kids are geniunely happy (with the exception of the lack of punishment the step-son gets). He's also in an extra curricular activity because grandma pays for it but the other kids feel left out. He also gets a tutor because grandma pays for it.

I'm getting really fed up with the "my special child" crap.

This kid lives like a complete slob yet it is up to me to work 55 hours a week, clean the house, do the laundry, cook meals, and clean up any mess made.

For example: This morning he got under the kitchen table after he was done eating and others were finishing up. He grabbed my sons legs and pulled him off his chair making him land on his butt and his cereal went flying. His punishment: Getting yelled at. That's it.
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Old 09-09-2011, 09:25 AM
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I am not a step parent, but I have adopted a child and my husband is a step parent to my children.

Honestly, I feel that because my husband and I see eye to eye on so much and we work really well together as a team we seem to operate just fine.

I was raised with both of my parents and so was he. And I think that the kids could not be happier than the way things are. My kids don't go from house to house every weekend or other weekend though, so we do have some stability there.

My ex-husband lives overseas and so he does still see the kids, he just only comes about every 6-8 weeks. We all get along very well; he eats dinner with my entire family, husband included.

He takes all of my kid’s places even though only one of the children in biologically his.

I think that if you have two adults that really love each other and can work well as a team together you can make a happy family no matter if it was once or twice.....
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Old 09-09-2011, 09:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
Is anyone on here a step-parent and a parent to your own children?

Do you find step-parenting harder than parenting your own child/ren?
I am my son's biological mother, however, my hubby is my son's step dad as his dad and I did not have a healthy relationship. My step dad also raised me. Here is my two cents.

Step parenting is not an easy job! When the child is old enough to realize that their 'parent' is not their biological parent they will start pulling strings and trying to get away with this and that and usually the statement, "you're not my dad!" gets brought up regularly in an attempt to win a situation.

The key is for the one biological parent to always back up the stepparent. Once the child sees that they can't push the stepparent around because both parents are working as a team, the child will not use the "you're not my dad!" tactic as much.

If a stepparent treats the child as their own and treats each child equally if there is more than one child involved, chances for success are higher. I hold a lot of resentment for my step-dad because he treated me differently than my 3 younger brothers (his biological children). He always claimed that it was because they were boys and I was a girl. I don't think that means I should get no birthday gift every year!

The more willing the stepparent is to take an active roll in the parenting of the child the easier it becomes.

But no being a stepparent is not easy!
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Old 09-09-2011, 10:02 AM
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I've heard/observed many friends, clients, ect. on their family dynamics with steps, and can honestly say I would never have put my own children through that, whatever cost.
Mainly because I haven't seen too many cases where it works out, and its more turmoil to the children involved. Today people are changing spouses like underwear, and having more children with other people and in the end the kids are the ones to suffer. It always amazes me how the parents will act like it works, but if you talk to the children its really sad. Especially if the ex's are fighting. Our neighbor got divorced and moved the boyfriends 2 children in, poor kids were miserable and clearly it wasn't a good situation; yet she chose the man over her own kids. A very common senerio in my experience, especially in this day and age.

If it were me I would date until the children were grown, unless it was one of the few situations where it could work out and most important the children all agreed and were happy with the arrangements.

Although I agree that it is better to stay with the biological parent of your child I do not agree with your statement; “she chose the man over her own kids!” I was on birth control when I got pregnant with my son. It was not planned and guess what; things just happen sometimes! The man I was with at that moment ended up becoming a coke addict and I left for the well being of my child and because I wanted a better future than that. Should I then be alone for the rest of my life? Your statement is likely to step on a lot of toes!
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Old 09-09-2011, 10:04 AM
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Originally Posted by familyschoolcare View Post
Yes, and Yes.

I find step-parenting harder Because my parenting ideas/goals/style does not always line up with those of my step children's Mother. She is a Good Mother we just do not see eye to eye on some things and as the step parent somethings i only get part of my husbands "vote" not a full "vote" like with my own children. Also, my children live primarily with us and my step children live primarily with their Mother which means that my step children are not here as often and sometimes they forget that somethings/rules are different at this House than at their House.

How long have you been a step parent I found that it got much easier after about 2 years by that time my husband and i had established what I got a "full vote" on and what I only got to express my opinion on.
I agree 100%!
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Old 09-09-2011, 10:39 AM
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I don't have any step children, but I am a step child and have a step mother. My case is a bit different as my biological Mother passed when I was 8. My dad re married when I was 11, I believe and my Step mother had a daughter who is 6 years older than I. It was a very hard situation as I always felt to be the outcast and my brother and I were treated very differently than her Daughter was. They went on Mother- Daughter vacations, shopping trips, hung out and we were never included. Christmas was always hard as it was visibly very different for my brother and I to have to sit back and watch my Step sister open presents all morning. There are still some huge differences as an adult and even the way my Step Mother treats her grandchildren- at times it is heart breaking, but I understand being a Mum is hard and I think a Step- Mother even harder. IMO, when you marry someone and they have children you marry the whole family, and all the baggage they come along with- all children need to be treated as equals even in discipline... Sure, it will take a conscious effort- but it is key to raise a happy integrated family
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Old 09-09-2011, 05:08 PM
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If it were me I would date until the children were grown, unless it was one of the few situations where it could work out and most important the children all agreed and were happy with the arrangements.
That would not have worked in my case because my youngest was 11 months old when I realized that my hubby at that times was never going to get help with his anger issues and the abuse was going going to continue to escalate he started by trowing things like slippers at me and by the time I left he was throwing bigger and heaver things such as a shampoo bottle that left a bruise the size of a large grapefruit. I wounder what he would have thrown if I stayed until the children where old enough to realize that it could not work agreed and were happy.

Just something for you to think about when you see people that are divorced. You statement are a little judgmental.
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Old 09-09-2011, 05:27 PM
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I have actually told my husband that if anything were to happen to him (death/divorce) that I would remain single. Why, because I don't want to bring anyone new into my childrens lives, I don't have extra time now so I know I wouldn't have any extra time to bring someone new in, I'm fine being on my own. The biggest thing is though, I love my husband and I know that I would never, ever love someone like that again! I wouldn't even want to start to try.

So even though this was a thread on step parenting I do agree with the statement on dating until the children are grown. I think there is less emotions to worry about and then you really are thinking just about you and not making a whole family to get along.
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Old 09-09-2011, 05:42 PM
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I have one child that is part African American and Mexican that I adopted
I have one daughter that I had with my ex husband and she has blonde hair and blue eyes. Egyptian and Irish.
I got divorced and remarried and now have a wonderful little boy that is part Egyptian and Asian.

We are a rainbow to say the least and all of our differences somehow work out. Honestly, I think it all depends on the situation. My ex husband loves all three of my children and tells them daily, even though one is only his. My current husband is exactly the same way. Blood sees no boundaries in this house, we all love the same. We don't have different rules, we don't argue about what is right or wrong. I have been truly blessed and I am one of the few lucky ones when it comes to getting remarried……so I think.
For some people it may be different and the children may be resistance to the mother or father getting married. Then maybe don't get married and listen to how your children feel. But then on the other hand if you have to live your life by what your children want, then you may be living an unhappy life.
After I divorced my ex, I never thought in my life would I ever want to get married again. I never thought that I would find a man that could love my children as much as I do, but I was wrong.
So I think that there are women and men out there that can love other children like their own, and there are people who can’t. Doesn’t make anyone better than the other, it’s just the way it is.
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Old 09-18-2011, 09:49 PM
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I agree. The only time I see it ever really working out is if you kids under two involved and the step parent genuinely loves the child. But to me there is a ton of abuse that goes on between the step parent and child.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
I've heard/observed many friends, clients, ect. on their family dynamics with steps, and can honestly say I would never have put my own children through that, whatever cost.
Mainly because I haven't seen too many cases where it works out, and its more turmoil to the children involved. Today people are changing spouses like underwear, and having more children with other people and in the end the kids are the ones to suffer. It always amazes me how the parents will act like it works, but if you talk to the children its really sad. Especially if the ex's are fighting. Our neighbor got divorced and moved the boyfriends 2 children in, poor kids were miserable and clearly it wasn't a good situation; yet she chose the man over her own kids. A very common senerio in my experience, especially in this day and age.

If it were me I would date until the children were grown, unless it was one of the few situations where it could work out and most important the children all agreed and were happy with the arrangements.
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Old 09-19-2011, 12:23 AM
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I have one child that is part African American and Mexican that I adopted
I have one daughter that I had with my ex husband and she has blonde hair and blue eyes. Egyptian and Irish.
I got divorced and remarried and now have a wonderful little boy that is part Egyptian and Asian.

We are a rainbow to say the least and all of our differences somehow work out. Honestly, I think it all depends on the situation. My ex husband loves all three of my children and tells them daily, even though one is only his. My current husband is exactly the same way. Blood sees no boundaries in this house, we all love the same. We don't have different rules, we don't argue about what is right or wrong. I have been truly blessed and I am one of the few lucky ones when it comes to getting remarried……so I think.
For some people it may be different and the children may be resistance to the mother or father getting married. Then maybe don't get married and listen to how your children feel. But then on the other hand if you have to live your life by what your children want, then you may be living an unhappy life.
After I divorced my ex, I never thought in my life would I ever want to get married again. I never thought that I would find a man that could love my children as much as I do, but I was wrong.
So I think that there are women and men out there that can love other children like their own, and there are people who can’t. Doesn’t make anyone better than the other, it’s just the way it is.
You are truly one of the lucky ones.
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Old 09-22-2011, 12:33 PM
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I am a step parent. I know there are some really great parents who love step-kids like their own, I can not. It's just the truth. I consider us more like friends as she's reaching teen years, but parental love just isn't there. I just don't think we are meant to raise our spouses ex's kids.
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Old 09-22-2011, 07:32 PM
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I am a step parent. I know there are some really great parents who love step-kids like their own, I can not. It's just the truth. I consider us more like friends as she's reaching teen years, but parental love just isn't there. I just don't think we are meant to raise our spouses ex's kids.
This may be honest, but it's sad, IMHO. I hope this child does not live with you full time.
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Old 09-22-2011, 07:38 PM
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14 years ago my husband joined our family. And we are a parenting team. Not mine and his, but ours. And I would marry him again and go through our craziness in half a heartbeat. We are a team and I think that is the key.
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Old 09-23-2011, 09:32 AM
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This may be honest, but it's sad, IMHO. I hope this child does not live with you full time.
I don't think its sad, its reality. You're going to love your own kids above anyone elses, its human nature.

Mostly I see the kids suffer because the bio's are fighting back and fourth, and right now I have a mother that quite frequently says stuff about the dad in front of the child. I try to nip it right away and do the pick up asap. So very much the norm, or I've seen a pattern of men leaving the wife and kids for the new flavor, and worst yet having more children wondering why the first family wants nothing to do with him.

In most cases the steps are the ones that get stuck, and of course they chose that. In very RARE cases all adults involved make a effort which is wonderful; but few and far between.
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Old 09-24-2011, 05:03 PM
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I just gotta say...my hubby is the step parent to my boys and although there are some additional challenges to step parenting, it has been great for all of us. My hubby is has coached baseball and football, attends every one of their other events, and if you has him how many children he has he says THREE. He does homework and cleans up puke! He gave our oldest his car and my husband is on a fantasy football league with my son and his friends.

He doesn't try to take the place of the boys father, he is a really positive role model in their life and he loves them like his own, without infringing on the relationship that the boys have with their Dad.

I feel sorry for the kids whose step-parents don't seem to want or like them very much. What a crappy situation for the kids.
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Old 09-24-2011, 09:57 PM
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I just gotta say...my hubby is the step parent to my boys and although there are some additional challenges to step parenting, it has been great for all of us. My hubby is has coached baseball and football, attends every one of their other events, and if you has him how many children he has he says THREE. He does homework and cleans up puke! He gave our oldest his car and my husband is on a fantasy football league with my son and his friends.

He doesn't try to take the place of the boys father, he is a really positive role model in their life and he loves them like his own, without infringing on the relationship that the boys have with their Dad.

I feel sorry for the kids whose step-parents don't seem to want or like them very much. What a crappy situation for the kids.


That was my point. The kids don't ask for the parents' marriage to fall apart, they don't ask for the parents to become involved with and marry someone else. They sure don't ask for a stepparent who has no desire to love them and be a positive part of their lives.
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Old 09-26-2011, 12:34 PM
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I don't have any step children and I never will. My mom and dad broke up when she was pregnant with me on and off. My dad don't want to do anything with me which is fine. My mother got married to my step father when I was two years old. He raised me fine until I was around 12 or 13 years old. My parents have two children together and I am a step daughter to my dad. I found out he is not my bio father when I was 10 years old but I was fine with that. However, my step father just started treat me different than my sister and brother.

My step father started abuse me from 12 or 13 years old until 16 or 17 years old for no reason. I do remember he hits my stomach very hard once when I was 9 years old that I was playing with my dad when he hold my brother (he was a year old at that time). I was shocked and cried at the same time and he thinks it is nothing. I didn't tell anything to my mom about that. My mom didn't know anything going on until I was 13 years old. My step dad was angry at me when I was smart mouthed at him and he took a gun out to try kill me and I ran to my room and locked with my finger to hold the lock knob as long as I can then I called the police to give her my address (it was hard for me to speak the correct address). The police arrived at my house and my dad pretended it is nothing happens and I didn't say anything to the police but I should have. Yes, I had suffer for a long time and I always got in trouble in school everyday until I was 16 or 17 years old. I decided to stand up by my step dad but lucky I am very taller and stronger than him. He was pissed off and tried to hit me with arrow and I was blowing out and I finally got into fight with him. He was shocked and I gave him a d**n good black eye that he deserved it! That is sad my mother didn't stop because she was scared or don't know what to do. He stopped hurt me for a long time.

Now my parents have three grandkids and one on the way (my sister in law is pregnant). My step dad loves my nephew very much more than my kids due to not his real grandkids. I don't care about that. I once told my step dad, "If you hurt my kids for any reasons, you know what I am going to do with you." He knows I mean it that is why he hasn't hurt my kids at all. I don't get in touch or talk with my parents very much since they are 750 miles away from here. We only visit them once or twice a year. Honest, I seriously don't care about my parents. I know it sounds mean but that is who I am now.. My husband knows about that.

I know it is sad but it is not easy to raise step children because there are so many step parents feel that the step children are not his/her real parents.

My husband and I agreed that we won't remarried to have step children for any reasons so that our children won't be suffer if that happens to us like divorce or whatever..
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Old 10-05-2011, 10:03 AM
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I am a step mother to a now 14yr old boy. He was 3 when his mom dropped him off on our doorstep and said to my hubby, you deal with him cause I cant.

In all honesty, because his bio mom IMHO is a lunatic and abusive, ruined his first 3 years of life, my stepson in the most ill behaved, abusive child, that my husband and I have ever raised.

My hubby tried for years to get full custody of him, but the judge granted joint custody.
She rarely had him and when she did he was messed up when he came home.
It was awfull.
We did councelling, you name it, we did it. For him and our family and he fully regected every attempt to get him help.

When i was pregnant with my daughter, he kicked me in the stomach. We didnt know at the time that I was pregnant with twins, I was 6 weeks along. I almost lost both of them, but I lost 1 baby.

He again did the same when I was pregnant with my son.
Everyday I endured his physical and verbal abuse while his dad was at work.

He called CPS on us 7 times, beat up kids in the nieghbourhood,ect.
He was a living nightmare.

The last straw was when he molested his own sister.
We put him in councelling to no avail, he blamed it on her. A 3 yr old at the time.

We were done.
He has been at this mom's house for 4 yrs now, and he still does the same crap.
Been arrested more times than I can count, He has gotten to the point that my hubby wants nothing to do with him.

There has been so much crap done to our family, I am very surprised that after 12 years we are still together.

And after all this my stepson blames all of his garbadge on me.
I am the reason he is like this, I ruined his life, blah blah blah.

So in my opinion I will never, ever,ever, do this ever again. If I could have seen my future I probably would have turned around and ran.

I love my hubby and my 2 kids dearly, but my daughter now has to grow up with the horrible memories, thank god my son was just a baby, he has no idea what happened, but doesnt understand why his brother cant live with us.

I know not all step children are like this, but mine was and I know that I am not alone.
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