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Old 11-15-2013, 09:21 AM
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Default Do You Ever Feel Judged About Other Things?

My father in law passed away almost two years ago. It took a while to settle the estate and the inheritance was distributed in the very recent past. We just started remodeling the first floor of our home, we upgraded our cars, enrolled our twin daughters in gymnastics club FINALLY; just really did some things we held off on because when we did the daycare addition to our home we took out a HELOC and neglected some of the luxury-type things in our lives to pay that down because we strive to live a debt-free life. It's just how we've always done things. We had the income to do some of those things before, but our main priority was paying down our HELOC. Obviously our DC families have noticed our recent splurges and have made comments about how life must be so good for us lately and how blessed we are... thanks to the money they give us. Yes, you read that right. My assistant overheard one parent commenting on my husband's new-to-us (but certainly not brand new) car and said how she had to rob Peter to pay Paul in order to pay our "specialized" rates, so my husband can have the privilege of driving a sports car. First of all, it's a hybrid-- not a sports car, and it's good on gas. My husband commutes up to three days a week because he does dental surgeries for rural communities in the surrounding areas and some of those places don't have gas stations on every corner. Second, we're one of the only full time daycare centers in the area that take special needs children such as yours, and so, yes; you pay for that service. Third, YOU didn't pay for that car. His dad's estate did. The dad that passed away before you even started here... matter of fact, before your child was even born. You better not let DH hear you say anything because you might be gone. It never dawned on me that my parents metered my personal spending habits so much. Do you ever feel judged by parents about things that are not daycare related?
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Old 11-15-2013, 09:31 AM
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This was discussed the other day actually...

I wouldn't and don't tolerate comments like this.

I'd say something "Yeah, the whole $3.00 (or whatever the amount really is) an hour you pay me is SUCH a blessing..." then roll my eyes. That would pretty much be a spoken warning. If it was mentioned again I would term without a second thought. I absolutely unequivocally have zero tolerance for blatant rudeness like this.
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Old 11-15-2013, 09:34 AM
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And here's a link to the other thread I mentioned... unfortunately, you are certainly not alone!

http://www.daycare.com/forum/showthread.php?t=66540
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Old 11-15-2013, 10:01 AM
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I get the passive-aggressive comments from parents, too. My husband and I have always been very responsible people in every facet of life all our lives, and that includes finances. We can afford nice extras and upgrades that the dcp witness around our home. It isn't because of what I make for dc. It's because I didn't make any of the mistakes most of them have that get them in a financial bind to begin with. It's because I make different decisions and have different priorities.

My automatic reply is always, "It isn't just the money we make that get us where we are, it's the decisions we make on how to spend or save it." With a big smile, of course!
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Old 11-15-2013, 10:32 AM
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It is really annoying!! I purchased a Kirby awhile back and one mom said to me do you like the Kirby I'm paying for?!? I have had it happen a few different times. In the past I used to feel guilty about it but I don't anymore. I work hard for my money! Parents employers don't judge them on what they buy with the "companies" money. I understand your frustration!

Ps I terminated the Kirby mom
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Old 11-15-2013, 11:03 AM
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I don't care for jewelry much, but I do have a lot of very nice expensive pieces that I have inherited from family. I almost never wear my wedding ring because I don't want it to get lost in the sink drain again.

About a month ago I had my wedding ring on, I think I just forgot to take it off along with a pair of diamond earning that were once my late grandmothers.

DCM says to me wow your expansion of your daycare has really paid off, must feel nice...................I said no, not new I have had them for many years, but she did not say anything.

I wanted to throw a shoe at her.
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Old 11-15-2013, 11:08 AM
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Wow. Sorry, didn't know this was already discussed. I don't want to beat a dead horse. But geeze. The nerve of some of some of these people.
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Old 11-15-2013, 11:12 AM
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I've never had a parent make a comment about anything like that but if I did, I would probably call them out on their rudeness.

WHO does that anyways?

What I make as income and how I spend that income is no one's business but my own.

If a parent said something directly to me, I'd simply say "My financially status is not really your concern. Is there a specific reason you are needing to know?"

Then I would let them stand there and stammer...

How rude.
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Old 11-15-2013, 11:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
My father in law passed away almost two years ago. It took a while to settle the estate and the inheritance was distributed in the very recent past. We just started remodeling the first floor of our home, we upgraded our cars, enrolled our twin daughters in gymnastics club FINALLY; just really did some things we held off on because when we did the daycare addition to our home we took out a HELOC and neglected some of the luxury-type things in our lives to pay that down because we strive to live a debt-free life. It's just how we've always done things. We had the income to do some of those things before, but our main priority was paying down our HELOC. Obviously our DC families have noticed our recent splurges and have made comments about how life must be so good for us lately and how blessed we are... thanks to the money they give us. Yes, you read that right. My assistant overheard one parent commenting on my husband's new-to-us (but certainly not brand new) car and said how she had to rob Peter to pay Paul in order to pay our "specialized" rates, so my husband can have the privilege of driving a sports car. First of all, it's a hybrid-- not a sports car, and it's good on gas. My husband commutes up to three days a week because he does dental surgeries for rural communities in the surrounding areas and some of those places don't have gas stations on every corner. Second, we're one of the only full time daycare centers in the area that take special needs children such as yours, and so, yes; you pay for that service. Third, YOU didn't pay for that car. His dad's estate did. The dad that passed away before you even started here... matter of fact, before your child was even born. You better not let DH hear you say anything because you might be gone. It never dawned on me that my parents metered my personal spending habits so much. Do you ever feel judged by parents about things that are not daycare related?
I feel this way all the time. My dh had a similar situation, his father passed and left him his sports car. It's 20 yrs old but looks awesome. He barely drove it and truthfully it is beautiful. People always comment anytime I drive it that it is beautiful. We would have NEVER been able to afford that car, but it is paid off and we love the gift. Anyway, dcp have commented on it before and my dh always looks embarrassed and explains that it was his father's who recently passed...
I told him that it's nobody's business why we have that car. I still use my old minivan during dc....but why do we feel that we have to explain why we have a nice sports car? What does it have to do with the services they are being offered? Irritating...
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Old 11-15-2013, 11:17 AM
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Wow. Sorry, didn't know this was already discussed. I don't want to beat a dead horse. But geeze. The nerve of some of some of these people.
No worries about revisiting this subject.

Some things are worth discussing more than once
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Old 11-15-2013, 11:18 AM
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The nerve of some people!

I haven't had any parents comment on anything I have or have done and don't think that they would (but I guess you never know). I am a pretty laid back person, but if a parent ever says anything like that to me, I think I would have to say something back. There is no reason for anyone to comment on what you have or do. Like pp's said, that's just plain rude!
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Old 11-15-2013, 11:28 AM
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Yep! My husband's mom died last year and we sold her house. We struggled with one crappy car for YEARS. My hubby decided to buy a Mercedes. (used, but a really nice one,...S430) We also bought motorcycles. I had a dcd look at the car....wrinkle his nose and say "....must be nice. Guess I am in the wrong line of work". I said "Well, I am sure my husband would rather have his mother alive than the car." Stunned silence.
I also had a mom wrinkle her nose at my motorcycle, calling it a "dangerous, unnecessary toy." Yep. It's a toy, and goes real fast. Deal with it.
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Old 11-15-2013, 11:34 AM
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Because I am me, I would also directly address it.

"Susan, I need to discuss something that is bothering me. Apparently you made a comment that was overheard that went something along the way of you having to steal from Paul to pay Peter in regards to my husbands new car.

It's unfortunate that I have to say anything at all because our finances should be private but I'll clarify that unfortunately my income from daycare would never be enough to cover any of the new things we have purchased and changes that we've made to our home in these recent times.

My husbands father passed away and he was left some money from his estate. We also save every penny and are frugal people and since my father in law's passing and through the process of grieving we have been through a long process of distributing that estate. Projects and purchases that we have been meaning to take care of have been put on hold for the last two years and now that we are able to we have started to address those projects.

The recent changes in my home have nothing to do with the income that I earn from daycare, in fact it's laughable that you would think that I could somehow afford all of it from the little pay that I do receive. Having said that, if you are uncomfortable with the amount that you pay for the specialized care that I provide please feel free to look for other options. In the mean time, please come to me if there is something bothering you instead of speaking to my clients/employees."

The only reason why I would explain anything is because I would want her to know how ridiculously nosy and rude she was for having said that. I would lay the guilt on thick so that she felt silly for even having said anything at all. Can you tell that this has happened to me before as well and can you tell that it's one of my hot spots?
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Old 11-15-2013, 11:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia View Post
Yep! My husband's mom died last year and we sold her house. We struggled with one crappy car for YEARS. My hubby decided to buy a Mercedes. (used, but a really nice one,...S430) We also bought motorcycles. I had a dcd look at the car....wrinkle his nose and say "....must be nice. Guess I am in the wrong line of work". I said "Well, I am sure my husband would rather have his mother alive than the car." Stunned silence.
I also had a mom wrinkle her nose at my motorcycle, calling it a "dangerous, unnecessary toy." Yep. It's a toy, and goes real fast. Deal with it.
Had to laugh at your comments to the dcp's, I can't believe they had the nerve to say anything! I wish I was quick to come up with some comebacks!
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Old 11-15-2013, 11:50 AM
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Had to laugh at your comments to the dcp's, I can't believe they had the nerve to say anything! I wish I was quick to come up with some comebacks!
I DID say that line about the car, but held my tongue about the motorcycle. I just nodded in agreement, because it is in fact a dangerous toy. But I needed some excitement in my life.

The comment the OP got was RIDICULOUS and amazingly rude. No excuse for that
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Old 11-15-2013, 11:58 AM
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I DID say that line about the car, but held my tongue about the motorcycle. I just nodded in agreement, because it is in fact a dangerous toy. But I needed some excitement in my life.
My mom had a motorcycle until recently and most of my dh's family owns motorcycles. They go on trips and always have a blast!

Someday I'll be brave enough to drive one...maybe.
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Old 11-15-2013, 12:11 PM
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My mom had a motorcycle until recently and most of my dh's family owns motorcycles. They go on trips and always have a blast!

Someday I'll be brave enough to drive one...maybe.
I see your son is brave enough! It's easy ! I my Ninja!
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Old 11-15-2013, 12:14 PM
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I see your son is brave enough! It's easy ! I my Ninja!
He even does tricks on his...lol
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Old 11-15-2013, 12:32 PM
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Sheesh, I was a LOW income dcp. Therefore, I charged lower rates. So my stuff was definitely not new. Didn't have the fanciest house or nice car (besides driving kids around in it, why WOULD I go get a brand new fancy car? I just need one that's safe and reliable!) I did get judged pretty badly The point is that if you are doing well they get upset and if you're not doing as well, they judge you. Either way...
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Old 11-15-2013, 01:08 PM
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My father in law passed away almost two years ago. It took a while to settle the estate and the inheritance was distributed in the very recent past. We just started remodeling the first floor of our home, we upgraded our cars, enrolled our twin daughters in gymnastics club FINALLY; just really did some things we held off on because when we did the daycare addition to our home we took out a HELOC and neglected some of the luxury-type things in our lives to pay that down because we strive to live a debt-free life. It's just how we've always done things. We had the income to do some of those things before, but our main priority was paying down our HELOC. Obviously our DC families have noticed our recent splurges and have made comments about how life must be so good for us lately and how blessed we are... thanks to the money they give us. Yes, you read that right. My assistant overheard one parent commenting on my husband's new-to-us (but certainly not brand new) car and said how she had to rob Peter to pay Paul in order to pay our "specialized" rates, so my husband can have the privilege of driving a sports car. First of all, it's a hybrid-- not a sports car, and it's good on gas. My husband commutes up to three days a week because he does dental surgeries for rural communities in the surrounding areas and some of those places don't have gas stations on every corner. Second, we're one of the only full time daycare centers in the area that take special needs children such as yours, and so, yes; you pay for that service. Third, YOU didn't pay for that car. His dad's estate did. The dad that passed away before you even started here... matter of fact, before your child was even born. You better not let DH hear you say anything because you might be gone. It never dawned on me that my parents metered my personal spending habits so much. Do you ever feel judged by parents about things that are not daycare related?
None of their business just as it is none of yours what they choose to spend their money on- If I heard such a conversation my response would be a shock of really, and then my mouth would say something like....... Daycare mom am I really hearing you say this? Putting it back on the big mouth. Then I would say do you need to personally talk to me, I don't like the sound of the conversation I am hearing in my own home!

MYOB

My advice is people talk, and don't take it on and if you can't help but to take it on use the above- I think everyone thinks things like that, but she decided to voice it and I wouldn't give it too much attention unless it was ripping me apart inside emotionally.

best-
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Old 11-15-2013, 01:11 PM
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I get the passive-aggressive comments from parents, too. My husband and I have always been very responsible people in every facet of life all our lives, and that includes finances. We can afford nice extras and upgrades that the dcp witness around our home. It isn't because of what I make for dc. It's because I didn't make any of the mistakes most of them have that get them in a financial bind to begin with. It's because I make different decisions and have different priorities.

My automatic reply is always, "It isn't just the money we make that get us where we are, it's the decisions we make on how to spend or save it." With a big smile, of course!
but I don't feel the need to explain myself most of the time. I am not going to try to reason with others of why I do what I do and have what I have. I guess I am at a point in my life where I don't feel the need to have to do that.

Stupid is as stupid does......and we all say stupid things at one time or another~
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Old 11-15-2013, 01:15 PM
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Wow. Sorry, didn't know this was already discussed. I don't want to beat a dead horse. But geeze. The nerve of some of some of these people.
its ok..... you were just given more info.

We discuss the same subjects over and over again here.....it is what we do
Welcome and please join as a member~
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Old 11-15-2013, 03:27 PM
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Wow. Sorry, didn't know this was already discussed. I don't want to beat a dead horse. But geeze. The nerve of some of some of these people.
Oh yes, I didn't mean offence in any way... just thought some more perspectives would be nice.
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Old 11-15-2013, 03:53 PM
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Wow.



People stink sometimes.
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Old 11-15-2013, 04:25 PM
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Wow.



People stink sometimes.
I should shower.
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Old 11-15-2013, 07:54 PM
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I should shower.
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  #27  
Old 11-16-2013, 09:55 AM
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I think a lot of daycare parents have an overall attitude where they expect us to live a frugal, convent-like life wherein we care for children out of the goodness of our heart and expect little or nothing in return. And we they leave, everything freezes until they return.

it sucks, and it's wrong of them to think that way, but there's nothing we can do but grin and bear it or call them out.
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Old 11-16-2013, 10:59 AM
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I think a lot of daycare parents have an overall attitude where they expect us to live a frugal, convent-like life wherein we care for children out of the goodness of our heart and expect little or nothing in return. And we they leave, everything freezes until they return.

it sucks, and it's wrong of them to think that way, but there's nothing we can do but grin and bear it or call them out.
This exactly.
I have learned to really separate my feelings from daycare. I enjoy the children, but don't get too attached. I know that I am making an investment into their future, try my best to prepare them for life/school, treat them with respect & dignity, but don't get too overly concerned about much anymore. That could sound harsh, and I am not a harsh person, but it saves a lot of frustration and worry on my part. They are my job, not my children.
As far as what their parents think about my wardrobe, my house, my belongings...I simply don't care. I don't really care what they do or spend their money on as long as they provide for their children and remember to pay me.
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