Default Style Register
Daycare.com Forum
Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Whether to Involve Day Care Provider in A Divorce Custody Fight
Unregistered 11:58 AM 06-14-2016
I am a mom currently involved in a divorce/custody fight with the other parent. My Child has been going to this home based day care for a couple of years already, and I don't want to pull him out from this daycare.

A couple of Attorneys, told me that it not a good idea to involve the day care provider(especially a home based one) in the custody fights. I was also told that usually they will refuse to do so in most case.

The reasoning was this day care provider would have worked hard to build a client base and reputation and so for that reason they would be nice to get along with every one and refuse to get involved. The last thing they want to see is one of these parents spoil that reputation in a few ways for example, either by contacting licensing for alleged or really small licensing violations or spreading false reviews or something like that.

For this reason, i was also told that, if they suspect this, they will go to the extreme of even removing the child from day care. that way they don't have any further liability in the ongoing situation.

My real dilemma here is that the day care provider will be very good witness and support for my documentation to gain custody of my child, if the day care provider gets involved and gives me some paperwork to support my claims.

Is it true that the day care providers, really think the same way as my attorneys told me? Should I even ask the day care provider about this situation?
Reply
Snowmom 12:16 PM 06-14-2016
I'm sorry you're going through a hard time.

I can only tell you what I would do if asked by a family; and I would stay out of any and all personal matters.
Reply
MunchkinWrangler 12:35 PM 06-14-2016
I'm on the fence. I guess it would really depend on the circumstances, like if I felt the child was in danger and I was privy to certain information. Otherwise, I don't know my clients private business and only involve myself concerning details of the child and the care of that child.

I would honestly try to stay as far removed from anything concerning this type of situation. Plus, you have to remember that if your provider has to go to court she has to take off of work. That's time away from her businesses and family. I would try not to involve her out of respect.
Reply
AmyKidsCo 12:38 PM 06-14-2016
I'd have to put the child's needs first, so ITA with MunchkinWrangler. If I was worried about the child's safety I'd have to speak up. But otherwise I'd stay out of it.
Reply
Blackcat31 12:38 PM 06-14-2016
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I am a mom currently involved in a divorce/custody fight with the other parent. My Child has been going to this home based day care for a couple of years already, and I don't want to pull him out from this daycare.

A couple of Attorneys, told me that it not a good idea to involve the day care provider(especially a home based one) in the custody fights. I was also told that usually they will refuse to do so in most case.

The reasoning was this day care provider would have worked hard to build a client base and reputation and so for that reason they would be nice to get along with every one and refuse to get involved. The last thing they want to see is one of these parents spoil that reputation in a few ways for example, either by contacting licensing for alleged or really small licensing violations or spreading false reviews or something like that.

For this reason, i was also told that, if they suspect this, they will go to the extreme of even removing the child from day care. that way they don't have any further liability in the ongoing situation.

My real dilemma here is that the day care provider will be very good witness and support for my documentation to gain custody of my child, if the day care provider gets involved and gives me some paperwork to support my claims.

Is it true that the day care providers, really think the same way as my attorneys told me? Should I even ask the day care provider about this situation?
Unless your provider was AT your home to witness you and your spouse parenting, she only knows what she sees in a small time frame for drop off and pick up. ANYTHING else she knows is more than likely just hearsay based on what info YOU or your spouse shared with her.

In my honest opinion, if you truly value your provider and your child's relationship with her DO NOT involve her.

Your child deserves one neutral place that has NOTHING to do with what is happening in his/her homelife.
Reply
sharlan 12:54 PM 06-14-2016
I wouldn't term a family that was in the middle of a divorce as long as THEY left me out of it.

I would not take sides in a divorce case, either. I stuck myself in a divorce mess as a teenager and got torn apart by the wife's atty. NEVER AGAIN!
Reply
Thriftylady 01:27 PM 06-14-2016
If a family drug me into their divorce, I would term them AND I would charge a very hefty fee if I had to go to court. As a child care provider, I am there to care for the child while you are at work. I am not a referee between spouses, I am not a sounding board for he said she said. The only thing I can ever attest to is attendance and what we do at daycare. If I suspect abuse, I have to call CPS and that is what I would do if I did suspect it. I wouldn't go to the other parent, to add fuel to the fire over something I suspected.

If you really want what is best for your child, leave your provider out of it. That is the one place during your divorce where your child can have their "normal". Because things at home are no longer normal. Your child deserves a nice normal place to them.
Reply
LysesKids 01:58 PM 06-14-2016
Originally Posted by Thriftylady:
If a family drug me into their divorce, I would term them AND I would charge a very hefty fee if I had to go to court. As a child care provider, I am there to care for the child while you are at work. I am not a referee between spouses, I am not a sounding board for he said she said. The only thing I can ever attest to is attendance and what we do at daycare. If I suspect abuse, I have to call CPS and that is what I would do if I did suspect it. I wouldn't go to the other parent, to add fuel to the fire over something I suspected.

If you really want what is best for your child, leave your provider out of it. That is the one place during your divorce where your child can have their "normal". Because things at home are no longer normal. Your child deserves a nice normal place to them.
This is me... I have written policies specifically outlining what will happen if you involve me; I put them there because 2 different times families tried to involve me in stuff I knew nothing about ( except hearsay) - one went as far as to called CPS on me because I wouldn't get involved. That's when I added another policy saying I would sue any parent that turned me in on fraudulent charges & for damaging my business

I am the children's safe place & I will not have my home life or business disrupted over a court battle; I will terminate care first.

BTW, I worked in the legal field before I did childcare... the OP would be smart to take the Attorneys advice & leave the childcare provider out of it. It not only will affect her, but the other families she cares for as well because the provider might have to close causing her to lose money during court hrs & what about the other families using her? what are they suppose to do for childcare? It essentially will affect the entire group - not worth it IMO
Reply
Thriftylady 02:04 PM 06-14-2016
Originally Posted by LysesKids:
This is me... I have written policies specifically outlining what will happen if you involve me; I put them there because 2 different times families tried to involve me in stuff I knew nothing about ( except hearsay) - one went as far as to called CPS on me because I wouldn't get involved. That's when I added another policy saying I would sue any parent that turned me in on fraudulent charges & for damaging my business

I am the children's safe place & I will not have my home life or business disrupted over a court battle; I will terminate care first.

BTW, I worked in the legal field before I did childcare... the OP would be smart to take the Attorneys advice & leave the childcare provider out of it. It not only will affect her, but the other families she cares for as well because the provider would have to close causing her to lose money during court hrs & what about the other families using her? what are they suppose to do for childcare? It essentially will affect the entire group - not worth it IMO
I also agree with the bolded. You are paying an attorney to give you advice, they gave it. They gave that advice for a reason, they think it is best for you and your case. It could look bad for you to drag your provider into it in front of a judge, if that is the case then the lawyer doesn't want to do it. Sometimes we don't like what someone has to tell us, but sometimes we have to realize they have a reason for telling us what they do. Perhaps he knows something you don't.
Reply
JackandJill 03:51 PM 06-14-2016
I would def leave her out of it, for all the above reasons!

We are mandated reporters, so if she has had concerns, she should have already done her part and reported anything that would put a child in danger. The rest that she has seen/heard is he said she said.
Reply
Mike 04:25 PM 06-14-2016
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
Unless your provider was AT your home to witness you and your spouse parenting, she only knows what she sees in a small time frame for drop off and pick up. ANYTHING else she knows is more than likely just hearsay based on what info YOU or your spouse shared with her.

In my honest opinion, if you truly value your provider and your child's relationship with her DO NOT involve her.

Your child deserves one neutral place that has NOTHING to do with what is happening in his/her homelife.
Originally Posted by MunchkinWrangler:
I'm on the fence. I guess it would really depend on the circumstances, like if I felt the child was in danger and I was privy to certain information. Otherwise, I don't know my clients private business and only involve myself concerning details of the child and the care of that child.

I would honestly try to stay as far removed from anything concerning this type of situation. Plus, you have to remember that if your provider has to go to court she has to take off of work. That's time away from her businesses and family. I would try not to involve her out of respect.
I agree with Blackcat, but like MunchkinWrangler, for me it would depend on the situation.

If you feel the provider knows anything, solid evidence, that will help the child, talk to the provider, but let her know there is no pressure. Let her decide for herself. If she wants to help, she would then talk to the lawyer and he would decide if she can help.
Reply
Leigh 05:06 PM 06-14-2016
The only way I would be willing to be involved is if I truly believed that the child was in danger with one parent. If I had witnessed a parent physically abuse their child, I'd testify to that in court. If one parent were dropping off a child who had been obviously (and criminally) neglected during their week with the child, I'd testify in court. I would not be willing to get involved in anything that I hadn't already reported to CPS (and I would have already reported either of those things).
Reply
CityGarden 05:15 PM 06-14-2016
Wow a couple post along these lines today....

As a teacher I was asked to testify in a case by a parent's attorney. I declined, however (based on the advice of a friend who is a pediatrician) I did offer to write a letter stating the facts that I personally observed.

In my letter I stated facts such as child was habitually tardy in a consistent pattern and I listed the dates and times (this is easy because both I the teacher and the school front desk keeps track). I also noted that often the days the child was sent to the principal or school councilor either from my class or one of the elective class teachers coincide with the same dates the child was tardy and I listed the dates, where the child was sent to, cause of the child being removed from the class setting and which teacher removed the child. I did not state other observations that might have been a hunch or a feeling of mine.... I did not state who the child was in custody with the majority of the time he when he arrived tardy... that was the job of the court, the child custody order & the attorney to tie together and since I could not be 100% certain I just stated the facts based on my attendance/grade book.

I will say that I cared deeply for the student even though he drove me crazy. While I suspect the child had ADD or ADHD the inconsistent sleep left the poor child overtired and unable to even try to perform his best when he was in the care of his mom. I would have personally loved for the child to be in the primary care of the dad but that was not my place to advocate for and I felt my obligation to the child was to present the facts that were present to me and let the judge/court work the rest out. Oddly enough the dad was not the one who asked for my help, mom did, her attorney decided to not use it then when the court requested a copy of the child's school file from the school principal a copy of my letter was inside... it did not help her case.



Originally Posted by JackandJill:
I would def leave her out of it, for all the above reasons!

We are mandated reporters, so if she has had concerns, she should have already done her part and reported anything that would put a child in danger. The rest that she has seen/heard is he said she said.

Reply
daycarediva 05:53 PM 06-14-2016
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
Unless your provider was AT your home to witness you and your spouse parenting, she only knows what she sees in a small time frame for drop off and pick up. ANYTHING else she knows is more than likely just hearsay based on what info YOU or your spouse shared with her.

In my honest opinion, if you truly value your provider and your child's relationship with her DO NOT involve her.

Your child deserves one neutral place that has NOTHING to do with what is happening in his/her homelife.
This exactly I will NOT get involved unless subpoenaed, and then I would terminate the contract immediately.

If I saw or even suspected something that I feel a parent should lose custody over, I would have reported it.

I don't even allow my parents to bad mouth each other, so I don't know or care one way or the other what their opinions about the other spouse are, either.
Reply
Tiny Tornado 06:56 PM 06-14-2016
I once helped a daycare dad, by testifying for him in a custody dispute. Its one of my proudest moments as a provider. I felt I was advocating for the child, in her best interests. As providers, we wouldnt hesitate to report suspected abuse, for the sake of the child. We do it not just because we are mandated, but because its the right thing to do- in this case, ot was he right thing for me to do.

Dad lived across the street. His girlfriend got pregnant, and moved in. He paid off all her debts. She never appeared to be in a relationship with him, just lived there with the child. Until one day when he came home from work and they were gone, moved out. Dad was devastated- that little girl was his everything- It took him over a month to track them down. She was moving in and out of different homes, living with different men, and dragging the child along. Dad was going for FULL custody, and asked me to testify on his behalf, tht he could provide a stable and
safe home for her. I said yes. His lawyer contacted me, and asked for a statement of oly FACTS, not opinions, of what i witnessed...so i wrote the following:

When child is brought to me, she is always clothed properly in well fitting clean clothes. Her hair is clean and neatly combed with ponytails and barrettes. She is brought to the doctor for regular checkups and immunizations, and she visits the dentist annually. She comes to daycare with well fitting winter snowpants, boots, hats, and mittens, She has clean diapers and no diaper rash at drop off. She eats well while here and is never brought hungry. She is always buckled into a properly-sized carseat while put into the car, and when brought to the park, she is strapped properly into the father's bike carrier and is wearing a helmet. I see her father bing her outside daily, and he is always propery supervised while in the font yard. Her temeprment is always happy and cheerful. ".....so basically, my testimony was nothing to do wit the mother, but just that he was providing excellent care.

When it was time for the trial, they put me on speaker phone, and asked me questions....end result was that he was given full custody, until sich time that the mother had a more stable living situation, and they they reached a shared custody aggreement. he gives me credit for saving her from a really bad sitauation, and always expresses his utmost gratitude doe helping him. i would do it again, for him and his daughter....
Reply
Blackcat31 07:01 PM 06-14-2016
Originally Posted by Tiny Tornado:
I once helped a daycare dad, by testifying for him in a custody dispute. Its one of my proudest moments as a provider. I felt I was advocating for the child, in her best interests. As providers, we wouldnt hesitate to report suspected abuse, for the sake of the child. We do it not just because we are mandated, but because its the right thing to do- in this case, ot was he right thing for me to do.

Dad lived across the street. His girlfriend got pregnant, and moved in. He paid off all her debts. She never appeared to be in a relationship with him, just lived there with the child. Until one day when he came home from work and they were gone, moved out. Dad was devastated- that little girl was his everything- It took him over a month to track them down. She was moving in and out of different homes, living with different men, and dragging the child along. Dad was going for FULL custody, and asked me to testify on his behalf, tht he could provide a stable and
safe home for her. I said yes. His lawyer contacted me, and asked for a statement of oly FACTS, not opinions, of what i witnessed...so i wrote the following:

When child is brought to me, she is always clothed properly in well fitting clean clothes. Her hair is clean and neatly combed with ponytails and barrettes. She is brought to the doctor for regular checkups and immunizations, and she visits the dentist annually. She comes to daycare with well fitting winter snowpants, boots, hats, and mittens, She has clean diapers and no diaper rash at drop off. She eats well while here and is never brought hungry. She is always buckled into a properly-sized carseat while put into the car, and when brought to the park, she is strapped properly into the father's bike carrier and is wearing a helmet. I see her father bing her outside daily, and he is always propery supervised while in the font yard. Her temeprment is always happy and cheerful. ".....so basically, my testimony was nothing to do wit the mother, but just that he was providing excellent care.

When it was time for the trial, they put me on speaker phone, and asked me questions....end result was that he was given full custody, until sich time that the mother had a more stable living situation, and they they reached a shared custody aggreement. he gives me credit for saving her from a really bad sitauation, and always expresses his utmost gratitude doe helping him. i would do it again, for him and his daughter....
Glad it worked out positively for you.

For me, it's simply a line I choose not to cross.
Reply
sleepinghart 08:33 AM 06-15-2016
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I am a mom currently involved in a divorce/custody fight with the other parent. My Child has been going to this home based day care for a couple of years already, and I don't want to pull him out from this daycare.

A couple of Attorneys, told me that it not a good idea to involve the day care provider(especially a home based one) in the custody fights. I was also told that usually they will refuse to do so in most case.

The reasoning was this day care provider would have worked hard to build a client base and reputation and so for that reason they would be nice to get along with every one and refuse to get involved. The last thing they want to see is one of these parents spoil that reputation in a few ways for example, either by contacting licensing for alleged or really small licensing violations or spreading false reviews or something like that.

For this reason, i was also told that, if they suspect this, they will go to the extreme of even removing the child from day care. that way they don't have any further liability in the ongoing situation.

My real dilemma here is that the day care provider will be very good witness and support for my documentation to gain custody of my child, if the day care provider gets involved and gives me some paperwork to support my claims.

Is it true that the day care providers, really think the same way as my attorneys told me? Should I even ask the day care provider about this situation?
(quote)"Is it true that the day care providers, really think the same way as my attorneys told me?"(end quote)
~Yes, it is true for the most part...unless you have a provider that has never had a high-conflict divorce situation in their daycare before and/or one that doesn't have the experience to know just yet, or enough information to know, just yet how damaging it could be to her career/business, the general headache it causes, and the possible loss of $$income$$, etc. to do so.

~Plus, you say you don't want to pull your child from this particular daycare, so you certainly don't want to end up getting termed right now, but you also need to think ahead about the consequences of getting your provider involved-

-Since no matter who ends up with the majority of custody, you & your ex are going to be co-parenting for a good many years to come which means that your ex is likely to get some sort of decision making arrangement with you and at some point is going to have to go to the daycare for pick-up/drop-off or whatever reason, and you don't want your ex to say "no way is our child attending this woman's daycare after she bad-mouthed me and helped you get your way" and neither daycare provider or the ex is gonna want to "deal" with each other after such a messy situation as most custody battles are, thus if she doesn't term you now just because she doesn't want the conflict, you or her either one are likely to have to terminate in the future.

~Plus, your provider, if subpoenaed, will have to take at least a day off of work which means she will either have to close the entire daycare for that day or pay a substitute to come in for the day...Either way she loses precious money & precious time that she won't get back and I can't imagine that making her very happy. Just getting paperwork from her to take to court with you won't do any good because paper, unlike people, cannot be cross-examined; therefore the paperwork will not be accepted, or allowed, into evidence. Best Wishes!
Reply
sleepinghart 08:45 AM 06-15-2016
Originally Posted by MunchkinWrangler:
I'm on the fence. I guess it would really depend on the circumstances, like if I felt the child was in danger and I was privy to certain information. Otherwise, I don't know my clients private business and only involve myself concerning details of the child and the care of that child.

I would honestly try to stay as far removed from anything concerning this type of situation. Plus, you have to remember that if your provider has to go to court she has to take off of work. That's time away from her businesses and family. I would try not to involve her out of respect.
Originally Posted by AmyKidsCo:
I'd have to put the child's needs first, so ITA with MunchkinWrangler. If I was worried about the child's safety I'd have to speak up. But otherwise I'd stay out of it.
(^^bolding^^ by me)
~If I think a child is in danger, I call CPS. ..End of.


Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
Unless your provider was AT your home to witness you and your spouse parenting, she only knows what she sees in a small time frame for drop off and pick up. ANYTHING else she knows is more than likely just hearsay based on what info YOU or your spouse shared with her.

In my honest opinion, if you truly value your provider and your child's relationship with her DO NOT involve her.

Your child deserves one neutral place that has NOTHING to do with what is happening in his/her homelife.
~Absolutely! ...RETWEET!
Reply
Unregistered 10:09 AM 06-15-2016
I think I have told this story before.
Divorce can be brutal. I had a family for 9 years before they moved away. The parents ended up separating. The kids went to another FCC home. One day mom picked up from care and dad was waiting outside in his car. He asked them to get in, to talk. Then forced mom to drive, at gunpoint. She knew she was in trouble and drove into a gas station, where an attendant saw the car coming in too fast and sensed something was wrong. He called 911 and if he hadn't, mom would likely not have survived. Dad shot her repeatedly, and so much blood was on the kids that initially paramedics thought they were injured too. Mom required multiple surgeries and was permanently disabled.

I don't know if I would have helped either of them if they were still here. I know now not to get in the middle of anything. You don't always know when someone is about to dive off the deep end.
Reply
Ariana 11:18 AM 06-15-2016
I would have no issues providing fact of things that I saw but that is it. If the things I may have seen are important enough I will be subpoenaed. If I don't get subpoenaed then obviously the parent is grasping at straws. If someone just wants me as a character witness there is no way I can provide that from the 10min each day I see any parent, most of whom are being fake and telling you what you want to hear.

I once got involved in a divorce situation by suggesting a child see a psycholigist as she was highly stressed and having breakdowns at my home. It was beyond my scope. The mother used my suggestion to try and manipulate the father during a mediation session, I assume to get him to pay for it.
Reply
Unregistered 02:05 PM 06-16-2016
I just term a family because they involved me too much in their custody war.

If you love your childcare do not involve them in this, unless your child is in danger. It will change your relationship with your provider and damage it.
Reply
MarinaVanessa 02:31 PM 06-16-2016
I ask that I not get involved ... I'm Switzerland, and a safe place free of tension from home troubles for children,
I would only be involved if I was served a subpoena. I wouldn't release records, time sheets, etc unless given something in writing and I would feel obligated to let the parent requesting these records that I will be notifying the other parent that these documents were being provided. I would also feel obligated to then cooperate with testimony for both parents.
This of course being true if there wasn't a concern for safety and such, much like how others have already mentioned (which would mean that I had already made a report to proper authorities anyway).
Reply
Unregistered 01:45 PM 10-01-2020
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I am a mom currently involved in a divorce/custody fight with the other parent. My Child has been going to this home based day care for a couple of years already, and I don't want to pull him out from this daycare.

A couple of Attorneys, told me that it not a good idea to involve the day care provider(especially a home based one) in the custody fights. I was also told that usually they will refuse to do so in most case.

The reasoning was this day care provider would have worked hard to build a client base and reputation and so for that reason they would be nice to get along with every one and refuse to get involved. The last thing they want to see is one of these parents spoil that reputation in a few ways for example, either by contacting licensing for alleged or really small licensing violations or spreading false reviews or something like that.

For this reason, i was also told that, if they suspect this, they will go to the extreme of even removing the child from day care. that way they don't have any further liability in the ongoing situation.

My real dilemma here is that the day care provider will be very good witness and support for my documentation to gain custody of my child, if the day care provider gets involved and gives me some paperwork to support my claims.

Is it true that the day care providers, really think the same way as my attorneys told me? Should I even ask the day care provider about this situation?
Sounds like you are in a loosing custody battle and looking to hang on to straws to fabricate a false narrative in order to manipulate the court. My ex did this exact same thing, got day care to write garbage about me and she got hammered really hard by the Judge. I still got 50:50 custody. This is the nonsense some entitled women do. I hope you lost your fight and they child now has the god ordained privilege of being raised by his willing father. I now plan on suing the day and I've reported them to their licensing board
Reply
Blackcat31 03:07 PM 10-01-2020
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
Sounds like you are in a loosing custody battle and looking to hang on to straws to fabricate a false narrative in order to manipulate the court. My ex did this exact same thing, got day care to write garbage about me and she got hammered really hard by the Judge. I still got 50:50 custody. This is the nonsense some entitled women do. I hope you lost your fight and they child now has the god ordained privilege of being raised by his willing father. I now plan on suing the day and I've reported them to their licensing board
This is an old thread.

But I wanted to comment that you sound awfully angry. Hopefully your resentment towards your ex and the child care provider isn't something your child is aware of since your ex is still your child's mother.

I don't know about your area but in my state it's not illegal for a provider to testify to what she/he knows to be true and factual.

Suing and/or reporting the daycare to the licensing board is also pointless if it's not something the licensing board governs. If it was, I am sure the court wouldn't have accepted the testimony the provider gave.
Reply
Tags:divorced parents, divorced parents - receipts
Reply Up