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  #1  
Old 10-25-2011, 11:22 AM
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Default Off Topic, Kind Of A Vent

Well, kind of a vent and maybe some advice needed.

I have 3 kids of my own and married. I run DC with 3to 6 kids daily 12+ hour days. All of my own kids are heavily active in sports and have a heavy load each week.

During the school year, I carry the load of the entire house. Inside, outside, garage, lawns and everything that goes with keeping house.

My two older kids are in Jr and Highschool. My highschooler goes to school almost 13 hour days and my daughter about 10.5 with all of her activities and tutoring. So they don't really have anytime to help me with anything.

Then my little man that is always with me, 7 days a week and he does not sleep through the night. I am the one who gets up with him at night and wakes with him early in the morning. He also has his activities that run 1-2 days a week.


My husband works one job in EMS/Fire 3-4 days a week. He has a very comfy job. he works 12 hour days, but majority of the days he works it's all down time. He works the beach area and on average runs 1-3 calls a week, while he sleeps the rest. I know that when he does gets calls, that sometimes there is a lot of stress and hard work that goes into his job. He comes home late and I am usually already asleep. He will often stay up all night long playing video games, going to the gym or watching movies becuase he got to sleep all day long. So on his days off he sleeps 90%of the day and then carries on the same schedule. He got accepted into medical school, but didnt finish his paper work on time so he didnt start when he was supposed to. So he decided to enroll in a golf class, just to be in school and please me as i was angry.

I have never been one to keep score, but lately I have been feeling under the weather and I have an illness that requires medical attention on an on- going basis. I really need to go to the doctors, but I have not had any down time to go. One of the daycare families that I had was not picking up on time and therefore I missed my appts. 3 times in a row. I just actually made an appt. for next week and this family is now gone, so I will be able to go.

I have never been one to keep score, but I just want to know if you think this is fair. I have asked him for help with everything from everyone, but so far I have not gotten any help of any kind.

I feel like I am at my witts end and I just don't know how to get to being happy again....

Last edited by daycare; 10-25-2011 at 11:25 AM.
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Old 10-25-2011, 11:26 AM
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Wow that sounds brutal!! I'm so sorry you're going throught this

It seems like your husband is your 4th kid who is living the life of a teenager. I'd be having a pretty serious talk with him because why is his happiness and "down time" more important that your own. Time to start treating yourself with some respect.
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Old 10-25-2011, 11:26 AM
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First off, I hope you get better soon. Second, he for damned sure wouldn't be taking a GOLF CLASS while I work MY ARSE off. Oh no. Laundrymom don't play like that. No way.
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Old 10-25-2011, 11:27 AM
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Wow that sounds brutal!! I'm so sorry you're going throught this

It seems like your husband is your 4th kid who is living the life of a teenager. I'd be having a pretty serious talk with him because why is his happiness and "down time" more important that your own. Time to start treating yourself with some respect.
Ok you said it much more politically correct. Lol
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Old 10-25-2011, 11:29 AM
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Oh so I am not crazy....lol

UGH... I am a very patient and passive person. At lot of people mistaken my personality type for being weak. But little do they know I have a little kung-fu Ninja inside me dying to get out....lol

So what do I do? I went on strike over the summer with the whole house and that seemed to work, but that was summer and my kids were just being lazy...Now they really don't have time to help me..

Also, becuase I am new in my town and work from home I don't have a single friend........Well not one that does not live 500 plus miles away...
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Old 10-25-2011, 11:34 AM
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I personally feel like the issue is with your husband not your kids!! They seem pretty busy being kids. Whereas your husband is living the life of riley! I would start giving him a list of chores that you want done each day. He can do those instead of playing video games. The nagging would not cease until the chores were done

When do you have time for friends my dear?!!? Seriously!! You do too much
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Old 10-25-2011, 11:44 AM
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I personally feel like the issue is with your husband not your kids!! They seem pretty busy being kids. Whereas your husband is living the life of riley! I would start giving him a list of chores that you want done each day. He can do those instead of playing video games. The nagging would not cease until the chores were done

When do you have time for friends my dear?!!? Seriously!! You do too much
thats my problem I guess. I don't say ANYTHING most of the time.. I think that this has to be the first time that I spoke up.

You know how it goes with having daycare...you are stuck inside all day so you don't have time to go out and make friends. Plus being new to town, I just wouldnt know where to start.....
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Old 10-25-2011, 11:45 AM
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Wow. You should write it all down in a heartfelt letter to your dh (so he can read it when he is alone, and re-read it again!) and include everything you've told us and more, in a loving but sincere way. Don't come across like his mother because he'll rebel. Toward the end, tell him that if necessary, the two of you may need to see a marriage counselor just so you have a neutral party to help sort this out because it is THAT SERIOUS.

You can't (and shouldn't) expect the kids to pick up the slack, but you sure the hell can expect your PARTNER in life to do it. If he is able but not willing, then maybe it's time for professional intervention just to get him to take this seriously.
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Old 10-25-2011, 11:45 AM
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Myhusbands video game would be SOLD and help hired!
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Old 10-25-2011, 11:48 AM
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Myhusbands video game would be SOLD and help hired!
With the $$ from the video game sale!
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Old 10-25-2011, 11:49 AM
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Myhusbands video game would be SOLD and help hired!
lol..... I honestly was so mad when I got up this mroning around 4am and saw him playing video games while I stayed up with little man I thought about throwing it out the window....lol But I never said anything....
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Old 10-25-2011, 11:50 AM
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Been there, done that. I totally feel for you . Not a good feeling when hubby and kids aren't pulling their weight.

The first thing I did, was I stopped doing everyone's laundry (except my own and my 4 yo). Hubby and boys had to start doing their own . Their clothes never get folded, and only get put away once or twice a week, but they're clean, and that's a HUGE chore off of my schedule.

Your oldest two are likely old enough to mow the lawn and do the gardening (or whatever outside stuff needs to be done). That can be done once a week, and I'm sure they can fit that in their schedule.

Second thing -- I put the things that hubby needs to do on the calendar (which he checks regularly) or in notes. That way I'm not nagging him constantly. He's really good about doing things, as long as he knows they need to be done (since he NEVER actually SEES what needs to be done).

IMO, your hubby's nights off (when he plays video games or goes to the gym) are the same as anybody else's days off -- they're days to get caught up on all the chores that need to be done. Make him a list of things he needs to do before having his "me time" on his nights off. Even if it's stuff that should go without saying, like emptying the dishwasher or sweeping the floor. He can also get the baby up, changed and dressed in the morning on his nights off.

Also, if your man is up anyway, HE'S the one that should be getting up with the little one (unless you're breastfeeding, but he should still try to rock the LO back to sleep first). He needs to take the baby monitor with him while he's playing games so that you don't have to wake up. While he's learning how to do this, remember to pretend you're asleep if the baby wakes up and hubby's the one who is supposed to respond

And make sure you're getting some "me time" too. Leave your oldest in charge and go out for an hour or two (with or without friends) to just disengage for awhile, at least once a week.

Just my two cents, but I think you really need to set the ground rules and lay out some expectations for everyone. Kids and men tend to be very unintuitive -- they won't figure out most things on their own, and they'll need to be told ... repeatedly (and over and over again). Good luck!! I hope they step up
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Old 10-25-2011, 11:57 AM
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oh no....that would so not fly here! I agree that you are a passive person (from what I gather from your daycare issues) and this causes a lot of problems with your daycare parents and clearly, your husband. its the same type of skill to stand up for yourself and demand better treatment. you don't have to scream and get all crazy about stuff to get your way (not saying that you would). there is a middle ground there. First of all, i would cut down to no more than 10 hours a day doing daycare. I would never, ever agree to doing 12 hours a day EVER. no wonder you are exhausted.
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Old 10-25-2011, 11:58 AM
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I would totally call BS on his "golf class". Seriously. I am doubtful there were NO productive classes for him to take that require his med school paperwork in on time. If nothing else, business classes, since many doctors really suck at the biz end of it all. It sounds like (to me) he is having second thought on the commitment of Med school but doesn't want to own up to it. He is afraid of your inner ninja

Although your jr high & high schoolers may have busy schedules, there is no reason why they cannot help out on the weekend. IF THEY REFUSE, they can take care of their own crap (their own laundry, 100% of the time. Their own dishes - get them a set of their own, etc. Yeah, I have done this before. ) Same with dh, if he continues to act completely worthless on his off time. Why would he want to go to Med school? Give him enough chores, and he will be dying to get his app in, just to have less work.

For my oldest at the moment...she is in off-season basketball (practice 3x/wk, 1-2games on Sat's, afterschool G&T math/science, band, choir, 4-H - which she is club president, church youth group). She still has to do one cleaning chore per day (there is a list of things to do posted on our family bulletin board). Cleaning chores are 15 minute things that must be done...examples would be cleaning the toilets, wiping down the sinks, vacuuming the steps, taking out all the trash, mopping the bathroom floors, windex all the mirrors, doing all the downstairs windows,etc...it really helps a lot. Doing extra chores equals getting extra $$.

Also, after dinner we have a set of family chores that EVERYONE helps with until the list is completed. TV, computer, ipod touch, kindle does not get turned on until the list is done. THE LIST: Wash, dry, and put away dishes. Wash down the table, stove, and countertops. Pick up everything downstairs. Sweep the floors. Take out trash/recycling if needed. Set up coffee pot for the AM. Prepare lunches for tomorrow (dh & dd). *it takes about 10-15min, depending how motivated everyone is*

*I* don't think I ask too much. It is a lot easier to get everyone to help with community chores after I made everyone do everything only for themselves for a while. I only took care of me & the babies stuff (there had been a ton of complaining about "i didn't make that mess", "that wasn't my cup", "it seems I have to do everything around here"). Apparently cleaning your sister's dinner cup is easier after all.
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Old 10-25-2011, 11:59 AM
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Been there, done that. I totally feel for you . Not a good feeling when hubby and kids aren't pulling their weight.

The first thing I did, was I stopped doing everyone's laundry (except my own and my 4 yo). Hubby and boys had to start doing their own . Their clothes never get folded, and only get put away once or twice a week, but they're clean, and that's a HUGE chore off of my schedule.

Your oldest two are likely old enough to mow the lawn and do the gardening (or whatever outside stuff needs to be done). That can be done once a week, and I'm sure they can fit that in their schedule.

Second thing -- I put the things that hubby needs to do on the calendar (which he checks regularly) or in notes. That way I'm not nagging him constantly. He's really good about doing things, as long as he knows they need to be done (since he NEVER actually SEES what needs to be done).

IMO, your hubby's nights off (when he plays video games or goes to the gym) are the same as anybody else's days off -- they're days to get caught up on all the chores that need to be done. Make him a list of things he needs to do before having his "me time" on his nights off. Even if it's stuff that should go without saying, like emptying the dishwasher or sweeping the floor. He can also get the baby up, changed and dressed in the morning on his nights off.

Also, if your man is up anyway, HE'S the one that should be getting up with the little one (unless you're breastfeeding, but he should still try to rock the LO back to sleep first). He needs to take the baby monitor with him while he's playing games so that you don't have to wake up. While he's learning how to do this, remember to pretend you're asleep if the baby wakes up and hubby's the one who is supposed to respond

And make sure you're getting some "me time" too. Leave your oldest in charge and go out for an hour or two (with or without friends) to just disengage for awhile, at least once a week.

Just my two cents, but I think you really need to set the ground rules and lay out some expectations for everyone. Kids and men tend to be very unintuitive -- they won't figure out most things on their own, and they'll need to be told ... repeatedly (and over and over again). Good luck!! I hope they step up
lol sorry the little man is 4.............

I know I brought on a lot of this on myself. I have always done everything for everyone. Before my husband worked 2 jobs and never had time to help. But he quit one so that he could start medical school. So I guess I just assumed that I would be getting some help......
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:05 PM
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lol sorry the little man is 4.............

I know I brought on a lot of this on myself. I have always done everything for everyone. Before my husband worked 2 jobs and never had time to help. But he quit one so that he could start medical school. So I guess I just assumed that I would be getting some help......
Tell him you will fire him and hire him back for less. That it's not a union shop with benefits and union representation. This is a pay as you go marriage and his line of credit just got canceled.
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:06 PM
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If the kids are too busy with activities to help, then you need to scale back their activities-plain and simple. They should be able to do their own laundry, take care of the dishes, and pick up after themselves.

Your husband needs to pick up a LOT more slack, too.

You say you have a Ninja inside dying to get out--that doesn't do any good unless you actually release it.
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:07 PM
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I would totally call BS on his "golf class". Seriously. I am doubtful there were NO productive classes for him to take that require his med school paperwork in on time. If nothing else, business classes, since many doctors really suck at the biz end of it all. It sounds like (to me) he is having second thought on the commitment of Med school but doesn't want to own up to it. He is afraid of your inner ninja

Although your jr high & high schoolers may have busy schedules, there is no reason why they cannot help out on the weekend. IF THEY REFUSE, they can take care of their own crap (their own laundry, 100% of the time. Their own dishes - get them a set of their own, etc. Yeah, I have done this before. ) Same with dh, if he continues to act completely worthless on his off time. Why would he want to go to Med school? Give him enough chores, and he will be dying to get his app in, just to have less work.

For my oldest at the moment...she is in off-season basketball (practice 3x/wk, 1-2games on Sat's, afterschool G&T math/science, band, choir, 4-H - which she is club president, church youth group). She still has to do one cleaning chore per day (there is a list of things to do posted on our family bulletin board). Cleaning chores are 15 minute things that must be done...examples would be cleaning the toilets, wiping down the sinks, vacuuming the steps, taking out all the trash, mopping the bathroom floors, windex all the mirrors, doing all the downstairs windows,etc...it really helps a lot. Doing extra chores equals getting extra $$.

Also, after dinner we have a set of family chores that EVERYONE helps with until the list is completed. TV, computer, ipod touch, kindle does not get turned on until the list is done. THE LIST: Wash, dry, and put away dishes. Wash down the table, stove, and countertops. Pick up everything downstairs. Sweep the floors. Take out trash/recycling if needed. Set up coffee pot for the AM. Prepare lunches for tomorrow (dh & dd). *it takes about 10-15min, depending how motivated everyone is*

*I* don't think I ask too much. It is a lot easier to get everyone to help with community chores after I made everyone do everything only for themselves for a while. I only took care of me & the babies stuff (there had been a ton of complaining about "i didn't make that mess", "that wasn't my cup", "it seems I have to do everything around here"). Apparently cleaning your sister's dinner cup is easier after all.
my Older two do their own laundry already.

My son plays football and all of the games are on saturday. they are also required to watch the JV game as well as play in thier own. I often have to work the snack shack at some event and then off to my daughter who is competes in gym/tumbling and cheer every sat. LIttle man plays soccer and he plays on saturdays too. My husband has to wrok weekends so I have no help. Sundays, we have our religion classes and we have a day of prayer. Means you can't work on these days, even though my husband has to work. It is my culture, not his.

Both of my kids do one thing for me daily. My oldest takes out the bathroom trash and my daughter takes out the kitchen trash.

Other than that, with both being in honors classes, sunday is the only day they have left to do their homework and studies....

I think the letter idea sounds good and I am going to suggest maybe we talk to someone...i feel like i am sleep walking these days and never even know up from down.......
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:08 PM
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Tell him you will fire him and hire him back for less. That it's not a union shop with benefits and union representation. This is a pay as you go marriage and his line of credit just got canceled.
lmao ..... I cant stop laughing...My god I wish I had your backbone and fire.... I could never say that....but I can sure think about saying it...

thanks for the laugh.....
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:08 PM
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lol..... I honestly was so mad when I got up this mroning around 4am and saw him playing video games while I stayed up with little man I thought about throwing it out the window....lol But I never said anything....
I would have shut the game off, plopped son in his lap and said, game time over, time to PLAY DAD And walked back to my bed.
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:08 PM
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First of all, you need to lay down the law with hubby just like you would daycare parents. You need help! He's suppose to be your significant other. Tell him to get off his arse and help! No sleep for the wicked!!!

Secondly, I don't think I would allow my kids to be in school 10-13 hours a day. Education comes first, sports and activities come in at a very distant second. Don't be afraid to tell them "NO". Volleyball and golf are extras. Eliminate extras! Not only will it free up the kids' time to help out but it might even allow you to hire someone to help!

Third, stop doing everything. When they see there are no clean spoons and they don't have that awesome shirt that's still sitting in the laundry a week later, they'll know what they need to do.

You are giving them the easy way out and making excuses at the same time. You can eliminate this all!

How many seconds does it take to toss in a load of laundry and press a button or turn a knob? How many seconds does it take to take out the trash? You can easily vacuum during a commercial break. You can fold a good size load of laundry in about 8 minutes. YOU are allowing this to happen. Until you speak up, they will continue on the path they are. Hold them accountable!

(Sorry to be so brutal but I used to be that way too. With the exception that I did all the inside work and that was enough! It got to the point where the kids were old enough they could load and unload the dishwasher, the hubby could do laundry, anyone can run a vacuum. They seen me at wits end and about at a meltdown before they started helping. Since then, life's been great! No complaints whatsoever. EVERYONE lives here, EVERYONE helps out!)
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:10 PM
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Although your jr high & high schoolers may have busy schedules, there is no reason why they cannot help out on the weekend. IF THEY REFUSE, they can take care of their own crap (their own laundry, 100% of the time. Their own dishes - get them a set of their own, etc. Yeah, I have done this before. )
I agree with having your older kids help out more. In my home, helping out and doing chores was #1 on the priority list. School was the only thing that was just as important. I do not mean school related activities either, I mean school and the school homework for the core classes. No after school activity or sport's practice was ever more important than chores.

Both my kids were active in sports and etra curricular activities. They would get up early in the morning before school if necessary to get their chores done.

No excuses. You live in my home, you contribute. period.
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:17 PM
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First of all, you need to lay down the law with hubby just like you would daycare parents. You need help! He's suppose to be your significant other. Tell him to get off his arse and help! No sleep for the wicked!!!

Secondly, I don't think I would allow my kids to be in school 10-13 hours a day. Education comes first, sports and activities come in at a very distant second. Don't be afraid to tell them "NO". Volleyball and golf are extras. Eliminate extras! Not only will it free up the kids' time to help out but it might even allow you to hire someone to help!

Third, stop doing everything. When they see there are no clean spoons and they don't have that awesome shirt that's still sitting in the laundry a week later, they'll know what they need to do.

You are giving them the easy way out and making excuses at the same time. You can eliminate this all!

How many seconds does it take to toss in a load of laundry and press a button or turn a knob? How many seconds does it take to take out the trash? You can easily vacuum during a commercial break. You can fold a good size load of laundry in about 8 minutes. YOU are allowing this to happen. Until you speak up, they will continue on the path they are. Hold them accountable!

(Sorry to be so brutal but I used to be that way too. With the exception that I did all the inside work and that was enough! It got to the point where the kids were old enough they could load and unload the dishwasher, the hubby could do laundry, anyone can run a vacuum. They seen me at wits end and about at a meltdown before they started helping. Since then, life's been great! No complaints whatsoever. EVERYONE lives here, EVERYONE helps out!)
Well my son is in honors classes and has to do community hours as well as his football.

He has early bird class at 6am to 7. then lifting for football from 7-8, school from 8-3. Football practice from 3-5:30 and he has to go to study group with the whole football team from 6:00-7:30, sometimes until 8. They are required to go to these study groups to make up hours that they will miss when they leave school early to go out on an away game. He also has to work as a tutor to get community hours for the younger grades...
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:20 PM
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I agree with having your older kids help out more. In my home, helping out and doing chores was #1 on the priority list. School was the only thing that was just as important. I do not mean school related activities either, I mean school and the school homework for the core classes. No after school activity or sport's practice was ever more important than chores.

Both my kids were active in sports and etra curricular activities. They would get up early in the morning before school if necessary to get their chores done.

No excuses. You live in my home, you contribute. period.
so when we leave the house at 7am on a saturday I cant let them mow the lawn...my neighbors woudl hate me.... Most of the time we don't get home until after dark.... so we can't do it then either...

Do I tell my kids no football and no sports you have to clean house? I guess I feel guilty to ask them this...
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:22 PM
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Daycare, how does your husband react when you ask for his help with housework or kids?
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:26 PM
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Well my son is in honors classes and has to do community hours as well as his football.

He has early bird class at 6am to 7. then lifting for football from 7-8, school from 8-3. Football practice from 3-5:30 and he has to go to study group with the whole football team from 6:00-7:30, sometimes until 8. They are required to go to these study groups to make up hours that they will miss when they leave school early to go out on an away game. He also has to work as a tutor to get community hours for the younger grades...
And that's great! He's still a member of the family and can help out. He chose to take on such a responsibility, he can take on responsibility at home too. There's no reason he couldn't spend 15 minutes doing something!

That's my point! 15 minutes per person per day equals a happier mama!
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:29 PM
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Daycare, how does your husband react when you ask for his help with housework or kids?
I never really ask I guess that is the problem.

We did sit down a few weeks ago when I found out that he missed his enrollment for school and I said to him that I was not feeling well and would like him to help me now that he would be home more. He said that he would take care of things like cleaning up the kitchen when he makes a mess at 2am because he decided to make food. And that he would help more with the garage. I gave details of things that I needed the help with and he agreed to them. However, I have never reminded him and he has never stepped up...

BTW> I feel like I am beating a dead horse here with my husband. He grew up filthy rich and never had to do a thing. I grew up the exact opposite. I started working selling fruits and breads when I was six to help my family put food on the table. So he used to doing nothing. I can’t sit still….lol
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:32 PM
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so when we leave the house at 7am on a saturday I cant let them mow the lawn...my neighbors woudl hate me.... Most of the time we don't get home until after dark.... so we can't do it then either...

Do I tell my kids no football and no sports you have to clean house? I guess I feel guilty to ask them this...
Heck no! You are the mom, not Wonder Woman! You are suppose to teach the children responsibility. It doesn't sound like they need to eliminate sports, they need to manage their time better. They need to know what is expected of them and when. They aren't too old for consequences. If they don't follow through, hold them accountable!

Football season will soon be over. Then your son will have PLENTY of time to help clean that garage, rake leaves, etc.

I see no reason at all that if he's up (even if it's before you) that he can't toss in a load of laundry and have you switch it to the dryer. Sure, it might sit in the dryer for several hours after but hey, they're clean. Then hub bub can take 10 minutes out of his day or your daughter can fold after dinner.

Where there is a will, there is a way!!!
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:32 PM
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And that's great! He's still a member of the family and can help out. He chose to take on such a responsibility, he can take on responsibility at home too. There's no reason he couldn't spend 15 minutes doing something!

That's my point! 15 minutes per person per day equals a happier mama!
this is very true... I will have to have a family meeting tonight and let them know that I am not their maid anymore.

We do have a community bulletin board in our laundry room that has every ones wants, needs and schedules posted on it. It also has designated laundry days for each person in the family and what they need to do with their school work. I think its time to add more to it...
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:33 PM
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I never really ask I guess that is the problem.

We did sit down a few weeks ago when I found out that he missed his enrollment for school and I said to him that I was not feeling well and would like him to help me now that he would be home more. He said that he would take care of things like cleaning up the kitchen when he makes a mess at 2am because he decided to make food. And that he would help more with the garage. I gave details of things that I needed the help with and he agreed to them. However, I have never reminded him and he has never stepped up...

BTW> I feel like I am beating a dead horse here with my husband. He grew up filthy rich and never had to do a thing. I grew up the exact opposite. I started working selling fruits and breads when I was six to help my family put food on the table. So he used to doing nothing. I can’t sit still….lol
Than tell him to cough up the funds to pay for help if he isn't going to help himself!
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:36 PM
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I gave details of things that I needed the help with and he agreed to them. However, I have never reminded him and he has never stepped up...
"Sweetie, you said that you would do this and I see that you haven't yet. I really need for this to get done."
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:38 PM
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thanks everyone for the advice... For some of you it sounds like such a simple fix. But when you are a very passive person, this seems like a war or a very difficult thing to have to enforce.

There is a lot more to this saga, but not that I want to get into further detail about it. I think that if I can just get a little more help from my family, I can get to feeling a little better with my health.

I know it will take change in order for me to be a happier person...
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:39 PM
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You know my DH has the same schedule as yours and same field.

DH is here 3-4 days a week doing half the load. He cooks, does laundry, keeps the daycare for apts, does grocery shopping, mows grass, the works. There are no his/her jobs in our home. Neither of us has taken the other to raise.

I think you have been letting him slide a bit too much, hun. Time for a family meeting and relationship expectations update, IMHO.
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:40 PM
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Than tell him to cough up the funds to pay for help if he isn't going to help himself!
ahhahahhh that is a whole different story..... I won't even go into detail about that one.....

there is no money for paying someone to help me...
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:40 PM
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Your kids are doing a lot and it will certainly help them with college, etc. I like the idea of making a list of things that absolutely have to get done and making them do at least one a day. Or, the community chores thing that someone else suggested.

Adopt the Flylady idea of "You can do ANYTHING for 15 minutes" and require a 15 minute clean up immediately after dinner. Set a timer, have a list, and whatever gets done is good enough.

You could make it into a race. "If we can get this list of stuff done in 15 minutes, we'll all have ice cream!"

Give your husband a choice--you can be in charge of taking care of the outside of the house or we hire a landscaping company to do it.

You could always tell your husband, no sex until you start holding up your end of the bargain. That always works for mine
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:51 PM
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Oh and I should add that for the most part (don't mean to offend the guys on here) men can be clueless about things that need to get done around the house. It sounds to me like you just don't demand enough of him. You don't really have to be a ninja but you definately should ASK for help and remind him how not helping makes you feel. Tell him you feel like his mom....something tells me he won't like that

I would also think loooong and hard about getting a cleaner/maid. He might be motivated by money enough to start helping once you hire someone. As you know though you need to follow through on whatever ultimatum you give or it's pointless and he'll continue to take advantage of you.
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:55 PM
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I have a list, a HUGE list. Of things that need to be done. It has things on it like dusting, mowing lawn, then things I add in once in a while. This is a list in a notebook. My kids and live in boyfriend KNOW that if mama does it all herself, I will be cranky and tired. We also do not say that they are helping me do something. I will say before they want to play video games, go outside to ride bikes, or go somewhere, "what have you done for the house today"

This house is not just mine. The kids (13&9) need to know that it takes a lot to run a house, and if they want a house they can be proud of, invite their friends to and not be embarrassed then they need to work to help the house.

I have to say even my boyfriend has no idea what needs to be done sometimes. I dont know how they dont know, maybe womens brains are more complex ( well we all know that!LOL ) but if it "looks" clean on the floor and table top, then everything ust be done!!!

Nah, look at the list for the house, and find something. I will not tell anyone what to do, I just repeat, "what have you done for the house"
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:57 PM
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I haven't read all of the replies, so forgive me if I repeat what others have said.

First of all, you cannot be taken advantage of if you don't allow it. Stop giving your daycare families and your own family permission to do it.

I think it's fantastic that your children are active and doing great in school. That's great preparation for the future.

But taking out the trash is a great chore for your 4 yo, not a teenager. They can give you at least 30 mins of their day, you give them much more than that and you work full time. They need to be responsible for themselves. In other words, they need to be responsible for keeping their rooms clean and clean up after any mess that they make.

You need to take control of your home. Ask your husband if he married you to be a partner or if was looking for a maid. If he wanted a maid, you're screwed. If he wants a partner, it's time to step up to the plate and be a man and accept responsibility for raising your children (ALL 3, not just the youngest) and help with the maintenance of the home, inside and out.

(Easily said, I know. I have a husband who does extremely little around the house. He's disabled and uses it to his advantage. But I started out doing everything from the beginning 36 yrs ago, so things aren't going to change now.)
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Old 10-25-2011, 01:00 PM
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I would quit doing daycare and see how fast he would help when there wasn't any money coming in
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Old 10-25-2011, 01:06 PM
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I never really ask I guess that is the problem.
Based on a couple of things you said, I thought this might be part of the problem. I tend to be the same way!

It took me a long time to learn that my husband isn't a mind reader. For the longest time, I just assumed he'd know what it was I needed and that he'd just do it. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work that way, especially with husbands. (For some reason, my sister could always walk into my house and somehow know exactly what needed to be done to help without me ever having to ask her, but my husband never could figure it out on his own!)

At some point early in our marriage, we sat down to hash it out. During that conversation, I found out my husband actually thought I enjoyed doing all of the housework! He loves to do the yard work and just assumed I felt the same way about house cleaning since I did it all the time and didn't complain. He was genuinely surprised to hear that it wasn't something I truly loved to do. He also thought he didn't have enough patience with the kids and that since I had so much patience with them, I didn't need his help. He had no idea that patience was something I worked hard over the years to develop and that if he worked at it, it was something he could get good at, too.

Your husband may have been spoiled while he was growing up but there's still hope he can change. Talk with him again. Let him know how overwhelmed you're feeling and how much it would mean to you to know that you can rely on his help. Give him specifics on what he can do to help and how. If he doesn't follow through, remind him; don't hold it in and not say anything. You'll just get more and more angry with him if you do that and it won't help either one of you.
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Old 10-25-2011, 01:49 PM
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well I did sit with him some time ago and talk about everything that needed to be done, but it was just talk. I think that i will sit down tonight and make a list of everything that needs to get done. Everything..... I am sure they will faint when they see my list of stuff that I have to do daily will get them freaked ou, but i need to do it..

thanks so much everyone. Some times you just need to let it out and I guess here is just as good as it's going to get for me....lol
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Old 10-25-2011, 02:38 PM
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well I did sit with him some time ago and talk about everything that needed to be done, but it was just talk. I think that i will sit down tonight and make a list of everything that needs to get done. Everything..... I am sure they will faint when they see my list of stuff that I have to do daily will get them freaked ou, but i need to do it..

thanks so much everyone. Some times you just need to let it out and I guess here is just as good as it's going to get for me....lol
Just imagine all of us standing behind you cheering you on! You are NOT alone. Let us know how it goes!
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Old 10-25-2011, 02:43 PM
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Just imagine all of us standing behind you cheering you on! You are NOT alone. Let us know how it goes!
ahhh thanks so much..

I just got off the phone. made an appt to talk to a counselor. for whatever reason they don't do couples with my insurance only solo appts.??? Weird.

Well I hope that I am off to a good start. I can't go on living my life being miserable and the only one that can change it is me....

thanks again everyone! Feeling better already!!
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Old 10-25-2011, 03:46 PM
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well I did sit with him some time ago and talk about everything that needed to be done, but it was just talk. I think that i will sit down tonight and make a list of everything that needs to get done. Everything..... I am sure they will faint when they see my list of stuff that I have to do daily will get them freaked ou, but i need to do it..

thanks so much everyone. Some times you just need to let it out and I guess here is just as good as it's going to get for me....lol
Based on my own experience, I would say it'll be an on-going process for both of you. A lot depends on whether he "gets" it and is willing to work to make changes but both of you have behavioral habits that need to change if you're going to work as a team. He has to get used to making an effort to share the work load and you have to get used to asking for what you need and not suffering in silence. My husband and I have been married for 20 years and I still find myself reverting to my "martyr" role from time to time. It takes lots of open, honest communication vs. a discussion or two here and there. It also takes a lot of courage when you're not used to speaking up for yourself.

Even if you can only get individual counseling, it's better than nothing. Your counselor can give you ideas on how to communicate more effectively with your husband as well as offer you emotional support. It will also get you out of the house and force your husband to take over the house/kid duty even if it's just for an hour or so.

I hope you find a way to work things out. It's frustrating and hurtful when you're feeling well, never mind when you're dealing with a health issue on top of it all. Good luck.
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Old 10-25-2011, 06:34 PM
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ahhh thanks so much..

I just got off the phone. made an appt to talk to a counselor. for whatever reason they don't do couples with my insurance only solo appts.??? Weird.

Well I hope that I am off to a good start. I can't go on living my life being miserable and the only one that can change it is me....

thanks again everyone! Feeling better already!!
Good for you!!!

I'll be thinking of you and sending encouraging thoughts your way!
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Old 10-25-2011, 06:46 PM
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Good for you!!!

I'll be thinking of you and sending encouraging thoughts your way!
thanks, this means a lot... its hard when I really dont have any friends up here and the ones I left behind, I dont really talk to often. You know how that goes. You get caught up in everyday life and then you lose touch...


thanks so much!!
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Old 10-25-2011, 08:26 PM
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Hopefully once you start some counseling for yourself, your dh will realize that you are serious, you are not superwoman, and that you need help.
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Old 10-26-2011, 10:30 AM
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Good for you!!!

I'll be thinking of you and sending encouraging thoughts your way!
Me too!!! BEST of luck
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Old 10-26-2011, 12:00 PM
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Awww I feel for you. This is common with a lot of women.

If you don't say what you need, no one can help you. They will walk all over you, think you like doing it all, or think they can't do it as well as you can.

All your kid's should be helping out and with whatever you need help with. A 15 min time is great but if you need something done you should be able to ask them to do it and expect it to get done.

Declutter your life, get rid of stuff you don't need or use. Make it easier to keep a home clean. When you have kids stuff adds up. Donate. Make available the things needed to keep it clean.

Your not a bad parent for having the kids help in the home they live in. Your actually teaching them on so many levels.

If your not happy its going to show in your family as a unit.

Make a list of what you want done and expect.....

you will have to pull everyone in and regroup from time to time, because we all fall short and get in habit's of not doing what we should.

After school activities, if they are going to happen, you all need to pull you weight, or I will not be forking out the $ to make these happen for you.

Community projects.......if your home is not in order your not helping others and you will fail your grade...........your choice. Free ride has come to an end.

Stand up for yourself.........who will? They have it made in the shade, they know your a push over

Good for you on going to talk with someone, it will help you to be able to stand up for yourself and get stronger.

Your not a nice person if you let everyone walk all over you, your used, and just going to be very resentful and that will lead to depression if it has not already. Be good to yourself, you sound like you deserve and need it, and we are all worth it.

Cut out things- cable tv is a wonderful one to start with, then the phones, and tell all of them if you can't help me out, I am hiring someone and you can work outside of the home to afford these things you want plus pay a rent so that I can hire someone to do what you should be doing. Be ready for it to get ugly on your side of things too, you may have to go with out tv for a couple of weeks or whatever extras you do. Cut the cords to the games if nothing else works.........I don't know what happened? Mice? Must be Mice from all of this crud laying around. If after you have gone to the extreme and nothing else works........well your screwed. Decide what to do from there. I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone that didn't respect me.

Don't expect the same results as if you did it, be happy with the attempt and teach on how the way you want something done. Pick and chose your battles, some things can just wait...... don't hold everyone to a perfectionist, including yourself. Balance

If we all work hard, we all get to play hard.

Make time to meet new friends.......let something go if need be. Personally it would be something for someone else that would be let go......like folding the teens clothes, or clean dishes......

another good tip is rotate the housework so that not everyone is stuck doing the same thing all the time........that gets old. Charts are good. Again if something needs to be done right away and it's not on the chart for that person, remind family units have to help each other out and this is what I need now, please do it.

Hugs to you......
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