Daycare.com Forum Kidacare by Minute Menu Force of Nature Disinfectant HiMama Childcare App

Go Back   Daycare.com Forum > Main Category > Daycare Center and Family Home Forum

Daycare Center and Family Home Forum Daycare Center and Family Home owners, Directors, Operators and Assistants should post and ask questions here.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 05-09-2012, 03:04 PM
Unregistered
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default "Daddy Hurt Mommy" (Logged Out)

Registered user but logged out.

Today I was working on a mother's day activity when one of the kids says to me, "Daddy hurts mommy." I do have a bad feeling about this dcd in general though, before she ever said anything.

Then another child says, "My daddy yells at my mommy because she doesnt have any money."

OMG- I hugged all of the kids and told them they were all safe at my house and then I quickly changed the subject.

How do you handle things like this? I was completely caught off guard. I know kids have no filters at all, but I didnt want to carry on a conversation and have a parent-bashing either. But then part of me wants to save the world and make sure nothing fishy is going on- but that's none of my business as long as it isnt pertaining to the kids. None of the kids said anything about being hurt themselves.

WWYD?

Last edited by Michael; 05-09-2012 at 04:30 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-09-2012, 03:07 PM
Breezy's Avatar
Breezy Breezy is offline
Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Arizona
Posts: 1,271
Default

Oh jeez, I have chills from reading this and I am all teary

I think you should maybe report it. Kids usually just don't say those things out of the blue I don't think.

I'm sure mom will deny it out of fear.. but, maybe she is just needing help getting out.

But, if the child is seeing this it is NOT okay and if he can hurt mommy he can hurt the kids too.

Last edited by Michael; 05-09-2012 at 04:30 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-09-2012, 03:35 PM
Unregistered
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

I'll tell you, I grew up in a household where daddy hurt mommy. I remember hearing my mom screaming in the bathroom once, saying, "Get your hands off of my neck!" I remember picking up the phone one time to hear him say to my mother, "You're nothing without me."
He was aggressive toward my sister and I, but mostly me, because I was the strong willed, stubborn one. DSS came once and they told me, in high school, to either tough it out or go to a group home, and a group home was worse. I have always had a bad feeling about this dcd, and hearing that from this little girl really made my heart sink, because I too, know what it is like to grow up like that.

DCB has been becoming increasingly aggressive, and I thought perhaps it is normal 3 year old boy behavior, but now I am wondering if he is imitating what he sees???

Who do I report it to? CPS? Will they take the report since DCG did not say it was her? Maybe I should call anyway and ask them what to do, or just tell them my story.

Part of me wants to reach out to the mom during pick up one day, and have a heart to heart and share my story and get her some help, but part of me wants to protect my family as well. If this guy is aggressive I dont want him coming after me or my family.

What is so creepy is that last night I had a dream that my father came to my house and was going to hurt me and my children. I kept telling him that I wasn't the same person and that i would not allow him to hurt me. I wonder sometimes about dreams- if there is any sort of psychic connection with the world via dreams or something. My mom had premonition dreams that turned out to be true, and my preschool aged daughter told me about some dreams she had that turned out to be true that were totally out of the blue. My family and I are Christians so I tend not to believe in psychic stuff, but it makes me wonder.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-09-2012, 03:35 PM
Kiki's Avatar
Kiki Kiki is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 341
Default

I don't know what I would do honestly. Unless it was brought up more than once, I would probably bite my tongue until I heard it again. Dunno, hard to say what happened to make them say that.

The 'Daddy yells at mommy for not having money' part, that may have just been a normal argument, heck who hasn't argued with their other half about money before? They may have thought the DCK was asleep while they were in a heated argument about it, and he/she overheard sadly.

In all honesty, and I don't want to sound horrible, but if the money one wouldn't have been said right AFTER the hurts mommy one, I probably would have laughed and said, 'None of us have money deary!'
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 05-09-2012, 04:15 PM
sharlan's Avatar
sharlan sharlan is online now
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chino, California
Posts: 6,028
Default

I would take Mom aside and tell her what was said.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-09-2012, 04:39 PM
Michael's Avatar
Michael Michael is online now
Admin & Owner-Daycare.com
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Moorpark CA, Ocean Ridge, FL
Posts: 7,297
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sharlan View Post
I would take Mom aside and tell her what was said.
I'm not sure that is a good idea. I'm with Breezy on this one. Could you ask the child further about what "hurt" means? If this guy is hitting his wife I would call both CPS and the police. This child is learning this same behavior at his formative years. Domestic violence is not a heathy environment for all involved. This dcd should be made to be scared of what can happen if his behavior continues. The mother needs to get into a support group. I can't believe men can do this to women. If front of kids no less.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 05-09-2012, 04:57 PM
daycare's Avatar
daycare daycare is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Mars
Posts: 16,021
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Michael View Post
I'm not sure that is a good idea. I'm with Breezy on this one. Could you ask the child further about what "hurt" means? If this guy is hitting his wife I would call both CPS and the police. This child is learning this same behavior at his formative years. Domestic violence is not a heathy environment for all involved. This dcd should be made to be scared of what can happen if his behavior continues. The mother needs to get into a support group. I can't believe men can do this to women. If front of kids no less.
i used to work for a place called lauras house in mission viejo... The offices are there, but they have safe houses all over so cal for women and children to start a new SAFE life and learn how to make it on their own without domestic violence in their lives.

I know that they are all over the world. I would call CPS......This is usually how the cases we got started from.....
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 05-09-2012, 05:30 PM
bluemoose_mom's Avatar
bluemoose_mom bluemoose_mom is offline
New Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 126
Default

I don't know...I think I would bring it up with the child again. Ask some sensitive questions to the child to determine what he means.

I say this because DH and I will wrestle and pick on each other, and often times DD comes running to get in on the fun. I usually end up getting flicked too hard, and saying ouch. Totally playful and it goes both ways. However, DD has said more than once "daddy hurts mommy" to her grandparents while we are picking on each other. Or if she even thinks we are (like if I squeal) and will repeat "daddy hurts mommy" business. It would, and does sound really bad to anyone not in the room...but it's definitely nothing abusive.

That being said, I would agree that I would start questioning what's going on. This statement could very well be a red flag, but it could also be something innocent. I would ask DCK some questions first, then dependent on that, call social services or bring it up to mom. IDK, this is a tough one cause if my DD would say it (and has said it) to anyone that doesn't know us well, it would sound just as bad.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 05-09-2012, 06:48 PM
logged out
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

THis morning my 3 yo dcg told me that her mommy punched her daddy in the nose and made it bleed!

It took me about 3 seconds of thinking about it to realize that there was probably more to the story. Mom is a social worker for one thing, and although I know that it's not impossible for a social worker to also be an abuser, it seems pretty unlikely here.

I called mom and said "Hey...Brut"....mom is already making chuckling noises now...

Turns out, dad had a work accident and got a black eye and nose. When the kids asked what had happened, he told them "mom hit me", thinking that's funny. The rest of the family immediately got on him about how that NOT funny. DCM said "just wait...dcg is going to tell dcp"

sure enough....

I'm just trying to say that you do have to take whatever a 3 yo says with a grain of salt. You can have some very general conversations about hitting, but be VERY careful about doing any questioning of a young child. It takes a LOT of training to do it right, and you can do a lot of damage if you do it wrong! We are NOT trained to do this.

If you really truly suspect something, report it. That is your job as a mandated reporter. It is NOT NOT NOT our job to investigate!
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 05-09-2012, 07:09 PM
wdmmom wdmmom is offline
Advanced Daycare.com
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: WDM, IA
Posts: 2,669
Default

Have you ever noticed any evidence that something might be going on? Bruises? Wearing long sleeves or turtle necks in warmer weather?

I would probably ask DCB what he means by DCD hurts DCM. What does hurt mean. If he says he makes her cry, well, there isn't much that can be done. You don't know the extent of why but if he says he hits, kicks, punches, smacks, etc, I would report the allegation to DHS and let them do their work to investigate the claim.

Just out of curiousity, how old is the DCB?

Coming from a former abusive relationship, I didn't realize the impact it had on my children until after I got out. Now, they are happy, healthy kids that have helped me heal my wounds in the process. Knowing now that I wish I would have known then, it's NOT always in the best interest of the kids to stay together...as many claimed to me.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 05-09-2012, 07:40 PM
Countrygal's Avatar
Countrygal Countrygal is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 981
Default

Honestly, I may report it, but having been in an abusive situation, I would talk to the mom first.

Most times other people's intervention is not wanted. Even if you called CPS the parents would probably stick together and, believe it or not, support each other. But sometimes, one on one, if the woman is tired enough, she'll be ready to talk to someone.

I wish I had had someone who cared enough to come up next to me and just talk to me about it.

But maybe that's just me....
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 05-09-2012, 08:13 PM
jen jen is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,808
Default

Once when my son was around 3 or 4, before I was a provider, he pushed a girl when playing house because she didn't keep the house clean enough. My ex never raised a hand to me; although we did have a MINOR disagreement about house cleaning, my son took it to daycare.

It definitely taught me a lesson about arguing, even little ones, in front of young children! Still, I'm certainly glad his provider didn't call CPS!
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 05-09-2012, 08:37 PM
Michael's Avatar
Michael Michael is online now
Admin & Owner-Daycare.com
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Moorpark CA, Ocean Ridge, FL
Posts: 7,297
Default

I don't think this child is making up things or the parents are fooling around with pranks. This statement in all likelihood shows at-home aggression.

"DCB has been becoming increasingly aggressive, and I thought perhaps it is normal 3 year old boy behavior, but now I am wondering if he is imitating what he sees???"

I am not professional in domestic violence but in my opinion something is going on here that is not good for this child to witness.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 05-09-2012, 08:54 PM
Kiki's Avatar
Kiki Kiki is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 341
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Michael View Post
I don't think this child is making up things or the parents are fooling around with pranks. This statement in all likelihood shows at-home aggression.

"DCB has been becoming increasingly aggressive, and I thought perhaps it is normal 3 year old boy behavior, but now I am wondering if he is imitating what he sees???"

I am not professional in domestic violence but in my opinion something is going on here that is not good for this child to witness.
>< I must have missed that post, pretty sure ours went up at the same time.


If he's becoming aggressive, maybe something IS going on, it's still a really tough call though.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 05-09-2012, 10:58 PM
spud912's Avatar
spud912 spud912 is offline
Trix are for kids
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 2,314
Default

I agree with pressing the boy for more answers before calling CPS. Kids say some crazy things! I have heard kids say that I keep them in time out all day (this particular child has had one time out in 8 months), I have had kids who say I put them in a cage (I put a Superyard around us during sensory play so the little walkers don't put the sensory items in their mouth), my daughter has yelled before "DON'T PUSH ME!" when I have guided her out of the way nicely, etc. Kids make up things, over-exaggerate, and use the wrong words to describe situations all the time.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 05-10-2012, 06:56 AM
Meeko's Avatar
Meeko Meeko is online now
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Utah
Posts: 4,194
Default

It's a hard call. Kids can say some weird stuff.

My mother has never forgotten taking me a big store in London when I was about 3 years old. I wasn't being very good so she told me we were leaving the store due to me behavior and took my hand and off we marched.

To my mother's complete horror...I said in a loud voice.....
"I'm sorry Mummy...please don't put me in the fridge again!"

I don't recall saying it or why and my parents almost died of shock as people stared at them!!! I have the best, kindest parents in the world!

They have never forgotten it. I've had 4 kids who all did or said weird things at 3 and dozens of day care 3 year olds.

That said.....I've also has suspicions about a day care father that turned out worse than I could ever have imagined.........

So go with your gut on this one...only you can get the "vibe" from the child.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 05-10-2012, 10:45 AM
small_steps's Avatar
small_steps small_steps is offline
Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 482
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by spud912 View Post
I agree with pressing the boy for more answers before calling CPS. Kids say some crazy things! I have heard kids say that I keep them in time out all day (this particular child has had one time out in 8 months), I have had kids who say I put them in a cage (I put a Superyard around us during sensory play so the little walkers don't put the sensory items in their mouth), my daughter has yelled before "DON'T PUSH ME!" when I have guided her out of the way nicely, etc. Kids make up things, over-exaggerate, and use the wrong words to describe situations all the time.
I wouldn't press the child for more information. Our local CPS caseworkers tell us not to continually ask questions as we aren't really trained to not lead the child. If children are asked questions several times they can start to embellish the truth because they are getting some attention from it.

I would call CPS and let them handle it. Ask to remain anonymous if you're worried about them getting angry with you. Let a CPS caseworker question the child if they feel it's necessary. I do agree that it sounds fishy and that something is probably going on. I hate being put in those types of situations.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 05-10-2012, 10:56 AM
Ariana's Avatar
Ariana Ariana is online now
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 8,203
Default

I agree with asking the kid more questions but make sure they are not leading questions. This is very important.

I wonder if the little boy heard the parents having sex?? Sometimes kids can think the parents are fighting when they're not kwim!! I know so many people who have heard their parents having sex and thought the dad was trying to kill their mom. Just a thought!
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 05-10-2012, 11:25 AM
Heidi's Avatar
Heidi Heidi is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 6,857
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariana View Post
I agree with asking the kid more questions but make sure they are not leading questions. This is very important.

I wonder if the little boy heard the parents having sex?? Sometimes kids can think the parents are fighting when they're not kwim!! I know so many people who have heard their parents having sex and thought the dad was trying to kill their mom. Just a thought!
lol @ Ariana It's certainly a possibility!
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 05-10-2012, 11:29 AM
Kiki's Avatar
Kiki Kiki is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 341
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariana View Post

I wonder if the little boy heard the parents having sex?? Sometimes kids can think the parents are fighting when they're not kwim!! I know so many people who have heard their parents having sex and thought the dad was trying to kill their mom. Just a thought!
See, it's things like that, that makes it hard. Who is to say what really happened?
Reply With Quote
  #21  
Old 05-10-2012, 12:16 PM
karen's Avatar
karen karen is offline
Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Lakewood, OH
Posts: 114
Default

What a sensitive situation!
First thing please get a notebook and document what was said. Only facts do not write down things like "I think" or " It seems" none of your feelings can come into this at all.
When questioning a child never put thoughts into his/her mind.
Questions should be simple and always let the child tell you what happened. And always document the questions you asked and the answer that was given. "Did daddy hit mommy" is not appropriate as that is putting thoughts into the child's head.
If you are not experienced in dealing with this or not comfortable I would call cps and speak with someone as they would be glad to help you out and give you the right questions to ask.
Good Luck!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
abuse, domestic violence, husband - loser

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My Child Was Hurt By His Day Care Teacher Unregistered Parents and Guardians Forum 16 11-08-2013 12:35 AM
Really Hurt gbcc Daycare Center and Family Home Forum 13 01-04-2011 12:15 PM


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:33 AM.



Daycare.com         Find A Daycare         List Your Daycare         Toys & Products                 About Us

Daycare.com
Please read our Disclaimer before continuing.

Topics pertain mainly to the following States:

Alabama Alaska Arizona Arkansas California Colorado Connecticut Delaware District of Columbia Florida Georgia Hawaii Idaho Illinois Indiana Iowa Kansas Kentucky Louisiana Maine Maryland Massachusetts Michigan Minnesota Mississippi Missouri Montana Nebraska Nevada New Hampshire New Jersey New Mexico New York North Carolina North Dakota Ohio Oklahoma Oregon Pennsylvania Rhode Island South Carolina South Dakota Tennessee Texas Utah Vermont Virginia Washington West Virginia Wisconsin Wyoming