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  #1  
Old 10-02-2012, 04:58 PM
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I am divorced and my 3 year old goes to an at home daycare run by my ex-husband's aunt & cousin. My ex became engaged a short time ago and the day care is now providing information addressed to both my ex and his new fiance. I asked what their policy was concerning sharing information with people outside of the parents and was told they provide it to the household. While I understand that my son will soon have a new step mother and that she will be involved in his life. I told them I did not want information addressed to her and that my ex could provide information to her if he wanted, but that it wasn't their place to include her on communications. I am incorrect in thinking that they should not be able to address information or provide it to anyone other than the parents/guardians? I want boundries set in place concerning my child set between myself, my ex and his soon to be new wife not his daycare. Please any policies on this would be helpful.
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  #2  
Old 10-02-2012, 06:59 PM
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I am divorced and my 3 year old goes to an at home daycare run by my ex-husband's aunt & cousin. My ex became engaged a short time ago and the day care is now providing information addressed to both my ex and his new fiance. I asked what their policy was concerning sharing information with people outside of the parents and was told they provide it to the household. While I understand that my son will soon have a new step mother and that she will be involved in his life. I told them I did not want information addressed to her and that my ex could provide information to her if he wanted, but that it wasn't their place to include her on communications. I am incorrect in thinking that they should not be able to address information or provide it to anyone other than the parents/guardians? I want boundries set in place concerning my child set between myself, my ex and his soon to be new wife not his daycare. Please any policies on this would be helpful.
My kids' school addresses to the household as well. I'm mom and I'm remarried, information comes to myself and my husband. My former husbands information goes to him.

I know this bothers my former husband, especially since, as my son lives with me, we are listed as the custodial parents.
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  #3  
Old 10-03-2012, 08:55 AM
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I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but your son's soon to be step-mom is part of his (yor son's) household and even if information is strictly given to your ex-husband, she will still be aware of it and know about it regardless.

I really don't think it should matter who the info was actually handed to as she IS part of the same household and it would be in your son's best interest if ALL the adults in his life worked together to co-parent.

If I were your son's child care I too, would provide information to your household and to your ex's household, including the step mother if she were the one picking up or dropping off.
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Old 10-03-2012, 09:03 AM
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Once they are married, then it should be okay to provide info to her. BUT, because they are not yet married, then it should NOT be addressed to her. She is NOT the parent, or step-parent YET and may never be....who knows they may end up breaking up before they ever marry.

IMO, the daycare should be honoring the request of the Mother. Providing info to the fiance is like providing info to a girlfriend...and is probably not even legal if the Mother has requested that it not be addresses to her.

OP....I would write a letter to the daycare, not just request verbally. Keep a copy of the written communication you send requesting they not provide info to the fiance. If they continue to address info to her, you then will have legal recourse.
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Old 10-03-2012, 09:13 AM
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I COMPLETELY understand why this bothers you. It's impossible to explain why without looking bad, but, it's how we all feel. I agree with you.

Unfortunately, if she is on the registration, or on the paperwork they signed... or if she's doing part of the drop off and pick ups, they need to include her on the parenting from their end.

It's not their place to be more loyal to one parent over the other...even if we secretly are.

I have two families who are very complicated, and I can't even keep it straight. There are six kids between four parents, and two kids share a dad with one other girl, and the sixth kid shares a mom with the two of the other four, but is being raised by her dad and step mom. The dad is now married to another one of my families, and the whole thing baffles me at pick up time. I just send notes home with the children's names on them, and hope for the best. (luckily these are only summer kids, so I only have to think hard in the summers)
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Old 10-03-2012, 10:15 AM
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Again, if they are not married, she is not legally entitled to recieve information....I think the OP's complaint is that written information is addressed to the fiance. If she is picking up the child from care, certainly there should be some verbal communication about the child's day, but written info is usually more confidential than that and legally, since she is NOT married to the dad, the provider is wrong for addressing it to the fiance.
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Old 10-03-2012, 08:42 PM
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I personally feel that this issue is a little petty. I'm not trying to be rude, but I don't see what the big deal is. She lives with your ex, they're planning on getting married, she's part of your son's life - to the point she helps with picking up/dropping off - so WHY does it bother you if daycare information is addressed to her? She's going to see it anyways. This doesn't seem like alegal or confidentiality issue at all, it seems much more like a jealousy issue to me. Sorry if I'm wrong.
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Old 10-03-2012, 11:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blackcat31 View Post
I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but your son's soon to be step-mom is part of his (yor son's) household and even if information is strictly given to your ex-husband, she will still be aware of it and know about it regardless.

I really don't think it should matter who the info was actually handed to as she IS part of the same household and it would be in your son's best interest if ALL the adults in his life worked together to co-parent.

If I were your son's child care I too, would provide information to your household and to your ex's household, including the step mother if she were the one picking up or dropping off.
I agree. I think I know what the poster is feeling but I could be wrong. I'm divorced and have been through a similar situation. For me it was hard when my ex let his new wife into our son's life. I was his mom not this other woman. I didn't want people to think she was his mom, I gave birth to him, taught him, nursed him and comforted him through sickness and heartache. I didn't want her influence on him even if she believed the same things I did because he was a piece of me and not her. I hated when people would refer to her as step mom, as I thought she should just be called her name...she wasn't his mom. A new teacher once said my son looked just like her (not realizing she was the step mom and I was the mom) and my heart physically hurt. It was selfish thinking and it wasn't healthy, for the sake of our child I got over it quickly.
That said, the reasoning behind being upset about the girlfriend getting paperwork from daycare seems petty (even if at one time I could relate) especially since she will most likely see or hear about it anyway from the ex husband. If you can't give yourself a truly valid reason why something is wrong maybe it's time to rethink your position. Unless it is actually harmful to your child you can't try to have control over what happens at your ex's house or on his watch (just like he doesn't have control on your watch) all you can do is be the best mom possible and don't fight the fights that are better left alone.
I firmly believe that because my ex and I were able to get over the bad feelings and do our best to raise the child we brought into the world as a team is why our son turned out so well. He may have even ended up more well rounded because of his step parents, he certainly had more people to love him and in the end that's what really counts.
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  #9  
Old 10-04-2012, 08:35 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by littlemissmuffet View Post
I personally feel that this issue is a little petty. I'm not trying to be rude, but I don't see what the big deal is. She lives with your ex, they're planning on getting married, she's part of your son's life - to the point she helps with picking up/dropping off - so WHY does it bother you if daycare information is addressed to her? She's going to see it anyways. This doesn't seem like alegal or confidentiality issue at all, it seems much more like a jealousy issue to me. Sorry if I'm wrong.
hehehe....Yes, it could be a jealousy issue, and petty for sure if it is.

BUT, it is a confidentiality issues as well. It could also not be a jealousy issue and just a metter of the OP needing to get to know this other woman abd build a trusting relationship with her before allowing private info to be shared. I know if I were in her shoes, I would want to build that relationship and know that I could trust her with private info before I allowed it.
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  #10  
Old 10-04-2012, 08:48 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Crystal View Post
hehehe....Yes, it could be a jealousy issue, and petty for sure if it is.

BUT, it is a confidentiality issues as well. It could also not be a jealousy issue and just a metter of the OP needing to get to know this other woman abd build a trusting relationship with her before allowing private info to be shared. I know if I were in her shoes, I would want to build that relationship and know that I could trust her with private info before I allowed it.
I understand what you are saying Crystal but I am assumming the father is giving permission for his soon to be wife to be privy to this information which I believe is HIS right to do regardless of whether mom likes it or not.

I also think that if the daycare wanted to cover ALL their bases they should simply write out "The Smith household-dad" and "The Smith household-mom" on any and all correspondence.

It just seems silly that the OP is stressing over something that is FOR her child but based on feelings of jealously and hurt on HER part.

I mean what if step-mom does most of the picking up and dropping off for the child while he is at dad's house and a specific item or issue needed to be addressed but dad isn't available to show step mom the note etc......seems to me the ONLY person getting shafted here would be the child.

If the OP is concerned about step mom having access to HER private household info then I would completely understand where she is coming from but I don't get the feeling that this has anything to do with that kind of info.

Last edited by Blackcat31; 10-04-2012 at 10:10 AM.
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  #11  
Old 10-04-2012, 10:07 AM
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But, we can all understand why she feels like this. It may be selfish, but it's natural.
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  #12  
Old 10-04-2012, 10:12 AM
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But, we can all understand why she feels like this. It may be selfish, but it's natural.
I agree 100% but I also understand and think it is natural for a two year old not to want to share but that doesn't mean I will handle it any differently or allow the child to not have to share.
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  #13  
Old 10-04-2012, 12:46 PM
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My daughter's school has a form we sign every year that has emergency contact information as well as who has rights to the child's file. If you are concerned that there is a conflict because the daycare operator is also a relative of your ex then you can look for alternate daycare arrangements. It is tricky if the fiancee has drop off and pick up rights because then she would, theoretically also have the right to know how his day went. She might not have the right to know that the special education teacher was in and assessed him with XYZ but basic day to day stuff would be safe.
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Old 10-04-2012, 06:26 PM
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the father has the right to give permission to share info with his fiance. So the only way to prevent it would be to put it in the court order that only the birth parents can have any information and neither can give permission to share information with anyone unles both agree.

Not sure it would be worth the cost of going back to court.
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Old 11-02-2012, 03:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by littlemissmuffet View Post
I personally feel that this issue is a little petty. I'm not trying to be rude, but I don't see what the big deal is. She lives with your ex, they're planning on getting married, she's part of your son's life - to the point she helps with picking up/dropping off - so WHY does it bother you if daycare information is addressed to her? She's going to see it anyways. This doesn't seem like alegal or confidentiality issue at all, it seems much more like a jealousy issue to me. Sorry if I'm wrong.
I am totally agree with you, it is just a jealousy nothing else.
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