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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Whiney Scared Child??????
tenderhearts 02:34 PM 11-15-2010
I have a 4 1/2 yr old (almost 5 yrs) dcg who has been with me since she was a baby. She has always been some what shy and has always had a fear to people coming into the house, such as "new" kids, she will cry and say she's scared and wants to go in the other room (I think it's just because she's afraid somehow someone else is just coming and jealous), the mailman ect, can totally understand that. I've always have reassured her kept her near me to help ease her fear. Well over the course of the last I don't even know year or more it has gotten worse, and it's not a "fear" persay all the time anymore she just cries and whines over everything and I don't ever usually know exactly what she's whining/crying over. Like she'll get really pouty and start to whine and cover her ears and I'll say what's wrong? and she'll either say I don't know or I dont' like everyone talking or it's too loud, (which it's not too loud), she will whine and cry if the baby is near her, she will whine and cry and say she is scared during a movie (which I can understand, however these movies are not scary) I guess maybe to some anything can be, but they were watching imagination movers for not even 5 min while I put changed a diaper before putting the movie in for quiet time and she starts crying, I asked what is wrong and she said she didn't know, I said well I can't help you if you don't tell me, she said I just want to take a nap, ok so I took her to take her nap in another room. She rarely sits out here for for quiet time and watches a movie unless she picks it out, a few minutes later I went to check on her and she said I'll tell you why now, I said ok, she said it's because I wanted my movie in, but she cries over everything, I do know she gets scared easily every disney movie she claims to be scared of HOWEVER she will watch Scooby Doo????? So I know when she cries sometimes she's "scared" of something but other times she's crying I have no idea she flat out wont tell me. Oh today one of my babies has a little black eye, she wouldn't come by the baby because she was scared of the baby, I explained to her there was nothing to be scared of, it's not contagious she just has a little owie, but she said well it scares me. My tv is on until about 8is in the morning, she comes right at the tail end of it and she used to beg me to keep it on, well now she's "scared" to watch it (same show she always has watched) and she immediatley will say, I don't want it on, I want it off, which she knows I do right about that time and put songs in, she then started crying saying the kids song the ants go marching one by one was scary??? She just whines and cries over everything what would you do or how would you help her or what??? Help it's really driving me crazy and the other kids are noticing it and I don't know what to say, they say so and so is crying again. I just need some ideas I've never had a child like this before.
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Blackcat31 02:43 PM 11-15-2010
I don't really have a good answer, but it does sort of sound as if she is using her "fears" as a control factor. Maybe to get the attention she wants or to get things to go her way? Some of it may be justifyable, but other examples you gave seem to be just manipulation to get what she wants. It IS getting her attention, so in a way it is reinforcing the behavior and will probably only get worse. Like when she said she was afraid of movie just to get the movie she wanted. Maybe have a talk with mom about what things she IS actually afraid of and what things you think she is just saying she is. On the flip side, I have heard of a lot of kids who have sensory issues with sound. Environments that are busy and active can be over stimulating and frightening to a child who has sensory issues. Wow, this is a tough one. I would definitely start by having a good talk with mom so you guys can get on the same page. Good luck...
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marniewon 02:46 PM 11-15-2010
It almost sounds like at one point she was scared of something and the adults around her gave her a ton of attention to help her to not be scared, and she's using that ploy to get attention. No one is scared that much!

Have you talked to the parents about her behavior at your house? Does she act that way at home too? Is something going on at home do you think? If she's doing this at home too, I would suggest to the parents to get her tested. She could have a sensory disorder, although it almost doesn't sound like it. I have a 3 1/2 dcb who acts a lot like that too. I've thought maybe aspergers? Or somewhere on the autism spectrum. But I haven't mentioned anything (except the actual behavior) to mom because she is a good friend of mine and I really don't want to offend her. I'm not saying to tell dcp's that you think there's something wrong with her, just that you are concerned and wonder if her doctor couldn't give some insight as to why she acts like that.
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elle73 02:47 PM 11-15-2010
Do we have the same dcg lol. I have a dcg that is exactly the same way, she cries and whines at everything, I've started telling her that she has to use her big girl voice that I don't understand her when she is whining or crying, its seems to be working when she starts to whine or cry she will catch herself and when I ask whats wrong she will say oh nothing and run off and play, it did take awhile to get her out of that habit though. She was always scared of everything too and I finally got out of her that if she said she was scared that I would stop whatever I was doing or make the kids stop what they were doing because it wasn't what she wanted, for example if the kids were reading a book and she said she was scared of it, it was because it wasn't the book she wanted to read, same for tv as well(I let them watch tv at quiet time)if it wasn't a show she wanted to watch she would say she was scared so I would change the channel.

Hope this helps, I feel for you because I know how frustating it can be to have a child that whines at everything. Good luck.
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tenderhearts 03:34 PM 11-15-2010
Well here's the thing she's been with me so long I just have thought it would pass and at first it wasn't all the time so I've never mentioned it to her dad. I only see dad since I am located near his work, they don't even live close to me. So really I haven't said anything other than when she's whining and crying and not being nice to the others because he'll ask, I guess the other part I just thought it would pass like everything else. Plus I don't really know what to say to him, oh you're daughter is nothing but a whiner what's her problem. It seems like a mixture, she's afraid some of the times she's whining and other times she's whining to be a brat. It's hard for me to know though alot of the time since she wont tell me, she just wants to go in the other room. Is that what I should do if they are watching Dora (which we dont' watch tv much, usually like 15 min while I make lunch) and she will start to cry and say she wants to go in the other room, do I let her??
I would like to mention or some how ask dad but I really have no idea what to say or how to bring it up.
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nannyde 04:31 AM 11-16-2010
You have a very controlling child on your hands who has learned over the years that using the phrase "I'm scared" gets her to have intense adult attention, removal from what she's put the "I'm scared" words to, and something else to do instead of the "I'm scared"words.

Now she's using that technique of control to get you to do "her" and the "i'm scared" to control what she does and what anyone else does that directly or indirectly affects her.

She's running game and it needs to stop today. She's going off to school here soon and in a group of 25 kids she won't get a minute of the "I'm scared" control technique so she needs to learn now how to cope in public (you ARE her public) without forcing "I'm scared" down everyones throat.

I've always have reassured her kept her near me to help ease her fear. Be dismissive NOT reassuring when she picks crazy to attach "I'm scared" to. I'm going to assume that you don't have ANYTHING scarry in her environment so stop her right now today from using those words in your house. Just stop saying it. I won't have it.

She doesn't get to pick something absoultely completely unrelated to her in ANY way like the baby bruise and turn it into something that has to do with her. She needs to stop engaging you and trying to skim off the cream of your life there (SHE gets to pick the movies .... SHE gets to decide what kids play next to her... SHE gets to go into another room if she doesn't like the book... SHE gets... SHE gets.... SHE gets.)

Why can't you give her the GIFT of being the same as the other children? You need to insist that she be WITH the other kids and DO the other kids. She needs to stop TALKING to you about "i'm scared" and GO PLAY TOYS and nevermind the adult and don't THINK for a second that a couple of words coming out of your mouth "I'm scared" are going to get you a different and better gig.

I have a really strong feeling that you have allowed this because you believe she is running the show at home... she's the princess of her kingdom ... and her parents will likely pull her from your care if you don't continue to be her lady in waiting. If that is the case then you must be HONEST with yourself and with us and just say it. If you are tolerating this because you want the money and you fear they will pull her if you talk to them and tell them the WHOLE truth... that if you put the hammer down on this rediculous behavior that SHE will begin to protest so loudly with "I'm scarred" that they will pull her out... then that's a different course of action.

In order to help you I have to know YOUR truth. You have allowed her to behave very poorly and in your heart you KNOW that she is deceiving you with her words. In your heart you KNOW she is running game and you haven't stopped it.

If you are willing to loose her then your plan of action is:

Tell her parents that you have issues with her saying the words "I'm scared" and what I wrote above as her reasoning for it. DO NOT DISCUSS ANY SPECIFIC FEARS WITH THEM. The conversation will quickly and endlessly turn into what THEY believe are real fears. In your home YOU decide what real fears are and she doesn't have exposure to them so you don't need to know their view of her fears.

Tell them that she is not allowed to do this anymore.

Tell her when she uses the words "I'm scared" that you like the words. They are cool words but she can't use them right now.

She says "I'm scarred of the movie"
You: Excellent go watch the movie
Princess: I can't I'm scared
You: Cool so you go lay down in the room and turn your head but you will stay in the room.

Princess: I'm scared of the babys black mark
You: Sweeeeet GO PLAY TOYS You don't get to play I'm scared with my baby. Go play.

Princess: I'm scarred of the books
You: Awesome so close your eyes and cover your ears but you are NOT leaving the circle.

This techniques sends a clear message with the words that you aren't buying it and that you are even attaching happy happy joy joy WITH her I'm scared. It's all good and you go play toys.

The whining is a different control mechanism. I would find a really nice plush stuffed animal and have her whine to that. Make it a scooby doo or something she can't say she's afraid of and have it sit somewhere as far away from the action as possible but still in the room. When she starts the whining tell her to go to whining scooby and tell him her troubles.

Don't engage her whinning and don't change anything for her.

You have a classic case of a kid running your show who has figured out to use adult words and adult emotions to elicit adult attention and adult intervention. She's running game. She's not fearful she's controlling. Anytime you allow a young child to run the show the shows going to be a very bad show. Kids aren't able to lead so when they are allowed to lead everything falls apart and the real leader (you) gets upset and unhappy.
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kendallina 04:57 AM 11-16-2010
I hardly think dismissing this child is going to really help her. It may get her to stop an annoying behavior, but that's only helping the provider. I do agree with what Nannyde says about this child may be using this phrase to control adult's behavior. Have you asked mom what happens when she does this at home? I wonder how mom and dad handle it.

Instead of dismissing her feelings, which obviously feel real to her, I would try to help her to rephrase them, which might help her to have a different outlook. So, if she says she's scared of the movie, I'd say, "it doesn't sound like you're scared...are you saying that because you don't like the movie? Do you wish we had a different movie?" and if she says yes (which she may not because she's sooo used to saying that she's scared), then I'd say, "I understand you want to watch a different movie, but today it's this one and I need to stay in the room..." or whatever you need her to do.

I really don't think it ever helps the child to dismiss how they think they are feeling. Think about this, when you say to your husband or whoever, "I'm mad about ..." would it really help if he said "cool, you just have to stay mad." Doesn't do anything to solve the problem.
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nannyde 05:22 AM 11-16-2010
Originally Posted by kendallina:
I hardly think dismissing this child is going to really help her. It may get her to stop an annoying behavior, but that's only helping the provider. I do agree with what Nannyde says about this child may be using this phrase to control adult's behavior. Have you asked mom what happens when she does this at home? I wonder how mom and dad handle it.

Instead of dismissing her feelings, which obviously feel real to her, I would try to help her to rephrase them, which might help her to have a different outlook. So, if she says she's scared of the movie, I'd say, "it doesn't sound like you're scared...are you saying that because you don't like the movie? Do you wish we had a different movie?" and if she says yes (which she may not because she's sooo used to saying that she's scared), then I'd say, "I understand you want to watch a different movie, but today it's this one and I need to stay in the room..." or whatever you need her to do.

I really don't think it ever helps the child to dismiss how they think they are feeling. Think about this, when you say to your husband or whoever, "I'm mad about ..." would it really help if he said "cool, you just have to stay mad." Doesn't do anything to solve the problem.
The technique you are suggesting is the technique used for four years and nets a child like the OP has described. It simply doesn't work to engage a child who puts words "i'm scared" onto something that could not possibly be a threat to the child. It could not possibly elicit a flight or fight response to a child especially a child of THIS age.

When you do your technique you are petting an unstable mind set. All of the words and conversations about what she has attached "I'm scared" to are the petting. The content of what she is saying she is afraid of is the mind set.

In my house I want the kids to GO PLAY TOYS and be a member of the group that I am leading. I want them to understand that I don't have anything in my world that is a realistic fear. I'm the leader and I don't expose children to fearful things.

I may expose them to things they don't LIKE but it won't be things they can realistically be fearful of. So they don't get to attach a phrase such as "I'm scared" to something they DON'T LIKE and have me change it because being "scared" about something is words enough to get an adult to change it.

She's saying WORDS to the provider. Just words. It wouldn't matter if she said "Canyon ranch" or "Frog lips" or "Blue Cheese". Those words are just as relevant to the baby's bruise as the words "I'm scared". They are just as relevant to the children movies as "I'm scared". They are just as relevant to the books the other kids pick as "I'm scared".

They aren't relevant and either is "I'm scared".

The child doesn't get to pick crazy out of the sky and fixate on it. She needs to go play toys and be an equal member of the group of kids and quit using irrelevant words to boss a provider around to do something else cuz she doesn't like it.
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TGT09 06:47 AM 11-16-2010
I think the point of what's being said is that, she's not REALLY scared. So dismissing her feelings is the only reasonable thing to do. She needs to get past using those words because as nanny said, she will get no attention from them when she goes to school. ...because after the first few times the teacher will dismiss them.

On a side note: It also sounds like she might suffer from very sensitive hearing but could also be just that she's getting attention from it. I have an infant who has very sensitive hearing and he cries every time a certain noise is made.
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tenderhearts 08:45 AM 11-16-2010
I agree that some of it I think she does for attention and I think she just wants things "her" way alot of times, but I do NOT give into her as you claim.

SHE gets to pick the movies .... SHE gets to decide what kids play next to her... SHE gets to go into another room if she doesn't like the book... SHE gets... SHE gets.... SHE gets.)
The only time SHE picks the movies if she is the "line leader".
I've tried telling her to turn her head if she is scared at something in the movie but it disrupts EVERYONE around her.
I should also clarify that when I said that I reassure her when she is afraid such as the mailman coming to the door or when a new child starts, I reasure her by telling her about them, who they are why they are there, I tell her when a new child starts that they are here just like she is, I watch am going to watch them like I watch her, they are a part of the group together. I didn't mean I hug and hold her while these people are here.
I can't control what fear someone has, again I agree that some of it is for attention BUT when its a fear of something on tv, who am I to say it's scary or not to her, I don't see anything scary about any of the stuff they watch. Now yes maybe Monsters Inc. or scooby doo but for instance yesterday when they were watching Imagination Movers it' s not a scary show, she has watched it a million times here, then she starts crying, she wouldn't tell me why other than she wanted the movie in, later the other boy told me it was because one of the movers had on a costume, ok I saw it, it WAS NOT scary, but to me or to the others but how can I say it's not scary so watch it? Like I said I've told her to turn her head but it's very disruptive for everyone else, so it's easier to just have her take a nap or read books or else no one else gets rest.
have a really strong feeling that you have allowed this because you believe she is running the show at home... she's the princess of her kingdom ... and her parents will likely pull her from your care if you don't continue to be her lady in waiting. If that is the case then you must be HONEST with yourself and with us and just say it. If you are tolerating this because you want the money and you fear they will pull her if you talk to them and tell them the WHOLE truth... that if you put the hammer down on this rediculous behavior that SHE will begin to protest so loudly with "I'm scarred" that they will pull her out... then that's a different course of action
Wow I don't think I came here to be attacked by you, I do believe she runs the show at home, some, I'm not sure exactly, I don't really know the mom, dad seems firm with her but yet babied, I DO NOT believe that if I dont' let her do the same here she will be pulled from my care, I do not believe they would do that EVER.
The reason I really haven't mentioned the "I'm scared" thing is because I've just kind of blew it off as a phase, I just didnt think there was anything they could do about her fears,she's a scared she's scare but since it's progressed and she's just getting worse and I think some is more than just being scared and she's so snotty to the others it's just getting out of hand.
Sometimes I feel she's been like this because it has definetly gotten worse since most of the group she was "raised" with here has left and now maybe she feels out of place or "scared" that I dont' love her the same, I treat her no different than anyone else.
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MarinaVanessa 10:09 AM 11-16-2010
Just thought that I'd add that another possible theory could be that she could have somewhat of a Sensory Processing Disorder. It could just be too much for her going on at once even though it's normal for everyone else. Just another idea for you to ponder on, I was just thinking about how she doesn't like change, new people, noise and says that she's "scared". It could be her way of saying that she's overstimulated. Just a thought.
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tenderhearts 10:21 AM 11-16-2010
Thanks so if she's "over stimulated" what do I do? Have her go into another room? I don't know if she's just not used to the noise even though she's been here for 4 1/2 yrs or if she is overstimulated. I do know at her house things are VERY VERY quiet, she is an only child, I don't know how much her parents "play" with her when she's home, but I know they don't watch much tv or anything. Alot of quiet play. One thing I just thought of now, when she was an infant for a very long time if she was fussy just laying her in the pak n play in a quiet room she loved it, even if she didn't fall asleep, she would lay there and play for some times an hour before crying and wanting back out then she would be fine. So maybe she just doesn't like "too much" going on. But still with that being said about change ect (which I'm still not sure about he fear of all kids movies) but how do I deal with that? thanks
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kendallina 10:33 AM 11-16-2010
Originally Posted by nannyde:
The technique you are suggesting is the technique used for four years and nets a child like the OP has described. It simply doesn't work to engage a child who puts words "i'm scared" onto something that could not possibly be a threat to the child. It could not possibly elicit a flight or fight response to a child especially a child of THIS age.

When you do your technique you are petting an unstable mind set. All of the words and conversations about what she has attached "I'm scared" to are the petting. The content of what she is saying she is afraid of is the mind set.

In my house I want the kids to GO PLAY TOYS and be a member of the group that I am leading. I want them to understand that I don't have anything in my world that is a realistic fear. I'm the leader and I don't expose children to fearful things.

I may expose them to things they don't LIKE but it won't be things they can realistically be fearful of. So they don't get to attach a phrase such as "I'm scared" to something they DON'T LIKE and have me change it because being "scared" about something is words enough to get an adult to change it.

She's saying WORDS to the provider. Just words. It wouldn't matter if she said "Canyon ranch" or "Frog lips" or "Blue Cheese". Those words are just as relevant to the baby's bruise as the words "I'm scared". They are just as relevant to the children movies as "I'm scared". They are just as relevant to the books the other kids pick as "I'm scared".

They aren't relevant and either is "I'm scared".

The child doesn't get to pick crazy out of the sky and fixate on it. She needs to go play toys and be an equal member of the group of kids and quit using irrelevant words to boss a provider around to do something else cuz she doesn't like it.
I disagree that helping her to find the correct words to describe how she's feeling will make the problem continue. It might just help to to communicate better.

Sure, if you ignore her saying, "I'm scared" the behavior will stop. If that's all the OP cares about, with no regard to how the child is actually feeling, then she can choose to do that.

If, on the other hand, the OP would like to help the child express the correct words for how she is feeling and help her to understand what 'scared' actually means, then it may take more than ignoring it and telling her to go play, as seems to be your answer to everything, nannyde.

I do agree with you that a lot of talking about it will probably just feed into the behavior, but this child needs to know how to express what she's feeling. I am not of the school that as long as you can shut a child up, then all is good, but to each their own.

I think it is rude and condescending to the OP to suggest that she is not only allowed this behavior by trying to communicate with the child, but that she did it on purpose so that the parents don't pull her out. Very presumptuous and not at all helpful to the OP. It is also rude and condescending to say to a child who tells you they are scared, "cool, go play".

Tenderhearts, I hope that this resolves, as it must be frustrating to deal with. I wonder if it might help her to do some activities around feeling words, so that she starts to know what that actually means.
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Lilbutterflie 10:45 AM 11-16-2010
Well, I think regardless of "why" she is doing this, I definitely think this is above and beyond just a phase, and time to talk to the parents about it. I would explain to them that this has always been an issue to some extent, but you haven't mentioned it before b/c it wasn't that bad in the beginning and you thought it may just be a phase. But since it has gotten progressively worse and progressively disruptive, it's time to talk about things with each other and possibly recommend seeing a doctor about it. At the very least start documenting it so that it can help the parents and/or doctor realize how often she acts out this way.
Good luck, there is nothing more frustrating to me than a child who is constantly whiny and won't use her words to tell me what's wrong! That is an easy way to push my patience to the limit!
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kendallina 11:02 AM 11-16-2010
Originally Posted by MarinaVanessa:
Just thought that I'd add that another possible theory could be that she could have somewhat of a Sensory Processing Disorder. It could just be too much for her going on at once even though it's normal for everyone else. Just another idea for you to ponder on, I was just thinking about how she doesn't like change, new people, noise and says that she's "scared". It could be her way of saying that she's overstimulated. Just a thought.
That's a very good point. My nephew has sensory problems and he still gets scared at loud noises, you can see his body shudder when he hears something that disturbs him.
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TGT09 11:48 AM 11-16-2010
That's what I was leaning towards earlier when I said "sensitive hearing" but I wasn't trying to get flamed for diagnosing. :-) I definitely think she could have a sensory issue, especially since you've had her for so long and know this isn't the norm.
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tenderhearts 12:02 PM 11-16-2010
Well is it just she's use to it being VERY quiet at home and just doesn't "like" the noice because she prefers "quietness" or is it that she really has an issue? She doesn't shake or anything she just holds her ears with a mad face and will either just be mad or say I don't like it so loud, but she also will complain and be pouty and mad if the the baby is by her chair, or one of the other little boys papers were on my desk and she was playing the computer at my desk, she picked up the papers with a mean face and said I don't want these on here, so these are kind of 2 different issues unless it's all related and just "controlling", I do think she seriously gets "scared" at movies but I dont' know where to draw the line with it, literally she's going to be afraid of everything she see's if she's afraid of something on Dora.
Talking with dad do I just ask if she's doing these things at home? I kind of doubt they'd see the sensory thing since their home is very quiet, but as far as the "I'm scared" do I just ask if she has a lot of fears? Thanks so much ladies.
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nannyde 12:21 PM 11-16-2010
Originally Posted by Lilbutterflie:
Well, I think regardless of "why" she is doing this, I definitely think this is above and beyond just a phase, and time to talk to the parents about it. I would explain to them that this has always been an issue to some extent, but you haven't mentioned it before b/c it wasn't that bad in the beginning and you thought it may just be a phase. But since it has gotten progressively worse and progressively disruptive, it's time to talk about things with each other and possibly recommend seeing a doctor about it. At the very least start documenting it so that it can help the parents and/or doctor realize how often she acts out this way.
Good luck, there is nothing more frustrating to me than a child who is constantly whiny and won't use her words to tell me what's wrong! That is an easy way to push my patience to the limit!
see above
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Unregistered 12:29 PM 11-16-2010
I think that despite your best intentions you've been had. She may have been scared at some point, but now she is controlling, manipulative and snotty. JMHO, but it's time to take back the reins and wheel her in.

3kidsmom

Personally, I most likely wouldn't speak to the parents about it. I usually save a "parent talk" for a serious issue that, after multiple attempts on my part, have not been resolved. It's my last resort as I really feel that it is my responsibility to teach a child to behave according to the rules in my home, regardless of what happens at theirs.
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BentleysBands 12:44 PM 11-16-2010
sounds like one of my dck's....when she doesnt get her way she whines. i have noticed it much more with girls than boys. girls are much more sensitive. i would mention to the parents and see what they think. if shes only doing it at your home its probably an attention thing. good luck!
when someone finds the 'cure' let me know cuz i need some relief too
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marniewon 12:46 PM 11-16-2010
Originally Posted by tenderhearts:
Well is it just she's use to it being VERY quiet at home and just doesn't "like" the noice because she prefers "quietness" or is it that she really has an issue? She doesn't shake or anything she just holds her ears with a mad face and will either just be mad or say I don't like it so loud, but she also will complain and be pouty and mad if the the baby is by her chair, or one of the other little boys papers were on my desk and she was playing the computer at my desk, she picked up the papers with a mean face and said I don't want these on here, so these are kind of 2 different issues unless it's all related and just "controlling", I do think she seriously gets "scared" at movies but I dont' know where to draw the line with it, literally she's going to be afraid of everything she see's if she's afraid of something on Dora.
Talking with dad do I just ask if she's doing these things at home? I kind of doubt they'd see the sensory thing since their home is very quiet, but as far as the "I'm scared" do I just ask if she has a lot of fears? Thanks so much ladies.
Well, I'm not going to get the popular vote here, but I have to agree with Nan on this one! Especially after reading what you wrote above. If she was truly scared, she would not have a mad face. She is trying to control every situation to her advantage. To whoever said to work with "feelings", I would think she would already know different "feelings". My toddlers know mad, sad, angry, etc I would think a 4 year old would know these.

I would talk to the parents (dad) and ask if she does this at home. And I would do a combination of what was suggested here. I think what Nan suggested (Cool - go play) might be a little strong, but I certainly wouldn't give in to it either. I would ask her to use other words to describe what was wrong, and if she couldn't then I would definitely tell her to go play. My niece did this (at 2 mind you, not 4) - she would walk around telling everyone "I scared"....and it was kinda cute the first few times, and everyone made a big deal out of it. I can tell you, by the end of that visit (they live in a different state and were only together for a few days) we were all tired of it! She wasn't scared, she just found another way to get attention. Kids do that - that's what they do - if the adults let them. Good luck. I'm with lilbutterfly - the whining pushes me to my limits also.
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tenderhearts 12:56 PM 11-16-2010
To me there are maybe 2 different issues going on, her trying to control things, pouting, mad face ect and I think she says she's scared at some of those times, BUT what about really being scared of something she's watching? Make her sit there and watch it? As I said I've told her to turn her head but she just sits there and cries and it disrupts the others who are watching or falling asleep.
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kidkair 01:27 PM 11-16-2010
As a nanny I had one kid who clung to me when her parents came home and was very whinny and crying that she didn't want me to go. She whinned about lots of other stuff when with me and when with her parents. I thought it was just a phase and she'd out grow it on her own but 2 months later she was still doing it and it was becoming very much a control issue on her part. Her mom said that the whinning had to stop and asked be to make sure she didn't get her way based on whinning and to get her to stop crying everytime I left. I smiled and said okay. The next day I talked to the girl about why she was crying everytime I was getting ready to go. She said she missed me and was afraid I'd never come back (some previous babysitters disappeared on her). I promised her I would always be back the next day and asked her to stop crying. Before her mom came home I reminded her we were going to have a no crying goodbye and a hug was okay. Mom came in I said goodbye gave the kids hugs and left with no crying. Then I stopped the whinning by saying no whinning every time she started. Within two weeks she didn't ever whine when I was there and stopped crying when I left. Mom was quite impressed and thanked me. I saw them at a soccer game about another two weeks later and saw her whinning to her mom about something and then saw mom give in! I walked up to say hi and girl started whinning about something to dad as I was talking to mom. I turned and said no whinning then returned to chatting with mom. Girl stopped whinning instantly and asked politely for what she wanted. Mom looked shocked Girl never whinned when she knew I was there again but I know mom and dad continued to give in.

For the scared thing: I would get a box big enough for her to hide in or a blanked to hide her face in and anytime she is scared I'd let her hide in the box. "Oh, I'm sorry you are scared. Why don't you go hide from what is scarring you inside the box and come out when you are done being scared." Then I'd drop it and not talk about that particular scary thing again or respond with "We already talked about this and I already gave you a solution. We are done".

Personally I don't allow any tv time and stick to books and toys. Maybe it would do her good if you got rid of tv time for a week and see if that helps calm things down a little.
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tenderhearts 02:12 PM 11-16-2010
Thanks, We dont' do much tv time here either, the only time I do do it foresure, well it's a disney movie is at quiet time for the older kids, 2 of them one of them is her, however I wasn't even giving her the opportunity lately (until yesterday) to even watch it I was just having her get her books and go in the other room for quiet time. So is that what I should do just not even allow her to watch the movie just do what she's always done? Just not even say anything about it?
I'll make sure it's off before she gets here in the morning, but then I feel she's controlling the situtation knowing I have already turned it off because she knows I know she doesn't like it and she will ask every day she comes in lately, is the music on yet? If I say no not quite she'll start whining and say I don't want the tv on. Which literally she either doesn't watch anything at all on tv or it's no more than 15 min, or the times she's been out here for the movie at quiet time so it's not like its on much at all.
I like the box or blanket thing, I think I'll try it. thanks
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kidkair 03:05 PM 11-16-2010
Yep I'd have her go to another room and not even watch it or go tv free for everyone. If she asks to watch the movie while you have her going to the other room just say that it's one of the ones that she finds scary so you are protecting her from being scared by keeping her away. If she then insists on watching it let her but make it clear that if she says she is scared even once she is leaving the room and returning to the books.

I understand your concern over her controlling the situation by you trying to avoid her behaviors. Some times we just need to adjust to a kid's needs for a bit. It's like having a kid who's allergic to oranges. Do you keep them away just from that child or do you remove them from the whole group? I remove it from the whole group. Think of it as she's allergic to the tv and use the box or blanket for other situations like new people or bruised faces.
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tenderhearts 04:56 PM 11-16-2010
Thanks, she's done that very thing, I promise this movie isn't scary I want to watch it, with her only starting to cry and then it disrupts everyone else, I have to stop what I'm doing (which is cleaning, paperwork) while the others are napping, so I've been just not letting her watch, well up until yesterday.

Here's another thing I thought of that I was wondering what others would do, but this is just with her "bratty & mean"" behaviour. We have show and tell on wednesdays, she sits there pouty the whole time and she will tell everyone, I don't want to see what you brought, I told her it's show and tell it gets passed down if she doesn't want to look at it fine, take it and pass it on but she doens't need to tell them and whine I dont' want it, I don't want to look at it. Then when she's doing show & tell she wants to show what she's bringing but doesn't want anyone to look at it or touch it. I did have a talk with her dad last week about it and told him that I told her if she's not going to be nice during show and tell then she wont be able to do it and he agreed so we'll see how tomorrow is.
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marniewon 05:59 PM 11-16-2010
I would give her one chance to behave during show and tell, and if she says one negative thing I would remove her from the group and not let her show her item. You've talked to her about it, it shouldn't be a surprise that she has to miss it if she can't be nice.
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nannyde 05:59 PM 11-16-2010
Originally Posted by tenderhearts:
Thanks, she's done that very thing, I promise this movie isn't scary I want to watch it, with her only starting to cry and then it disrupts everyone else, I have to stop what I'm doing (which is cleaning, paperwork) while the others are napping, so I've been just not letting her watch, well up until yesterday.

Here's another thing I thought of that I was wondering what others would do, but this is just with her "bratty & mean"" behaviour. We have show and tell on wednesdays, she sits there pouty the whole time and she will tell everyone, I don't want to see what you brought, I told her it's show and tell it gets passed down if she doesn't want to look at it fine, take it and pass it on but she doens't need to tell them and whine I dont' want it, I don't want to look at it. Then when she's doing show & tell she wants to show what she's bringing but doesn't want anyone to look at it or touch it. I did have a talk with her dad last week about it and told him that I told her if she's not going to be nice during show and tell then she wont be able to do it and he agreed so we'll see how tomorrow is.
Tender

You have an extremely spoiled and bossy little girl on your hands. There is NOTHING wrong with her other than she is ruling her world and it's a job she can't handle because she is a child. She's behaving badly because she is overwhelmed with the power she has.

Is there any chance they could put her in preschool? She needs to be one of 25 kids as soon as it is possible. Can she start school in January when the new semester starts?

She's begging for a leader. She needs to go to school where the adults lead large groups of kids. She needs to have nothing to say about what she does and where she goes. She needs to have a large group of age mates who won't tolerate a minute of her selfish spoiled ways. She needs be with adults who don't have time to allow one child to determine what the group does.

I think you are a sweetie and have tried really hard to be nice to this kid. She sees your kindness as weakness.

She wouldn't last a day in my world.

None of my kids behave this way because they wouldn't DARE talk to me like she does you or talk to my other kids the way she does. She needs to be put in her place quickly. Her place needs to be last place for a long time. She needs to be humbled and righted and I don't think that can happen in your world.
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SilverSabre25 07:12 PM 11-16-2010
Lots of interesting discussion here.

I'm thinking that there might be two, even three things going on. And it sounds complicated. It's going to take some work.

First off, I'm thinking that she might not have the language she needs to put accurate names to what she's feeling when she says, "I'm scared". Second, I'm thinking that there might be a sensory issue with sound--whether inherent or created by her very quiet home environment. Third, I do think it sounds like she's catered to a lot at home. Fourth, I think it might be a power issue, but the solution is NOT to take away her power, it's to give her more, but appropriate, power. Power that gives her control over HER environment but does NOT affect other people's environment.

When she says she's scared--even if you as the adult do not think that there is anything to be scared of--offer her an out. "If the movie is scary, then you can go look at books/puzzles/color" but make sure she has a place to go where she does not have to see/hear the movie (if you can't prevent her hearing it, offer her headphones to put on). Giving her control over the scary thing in a way that affects no one else, might help immensely. This could also assist if she is getting sensory overload.

You described her covering her ears and saying that it's too loud--that does very much suggest sensory issues to me. Offering her headphones/ear muffs should help with that, unless you can make a "quiet room" she can retreat to when it gets too noisy. Again, this really affects no one but her.

When she's getting controlling over things she has no business controlling, like papers on the desk, tell her that she can either deal with them or she can move her body somewhere else. If she doesn't want to participate in show and tell, then she doesn't have to. Sit her outside the circle but still nearby and ignore her until show and tell is over. Don't let her share her item--assuming she wants to. Explain that if she wants to show her item then she needs to sit and be polite while others show theirs. Before removing her from the circle tell her that and give her the choice. I do not think you should turn off the tv/music in the morning before she gets there--give her the option of retreating to her quiet area or putting on her headphones if she doesn't like it.

Finally, if weeks/months go on and you're trying these things and either it's not improving or she's spending most of her time alone, I would really, really consider bringing the issue up to her parents and suggesting that she be evaluated for some possible sensory issues. It sounds like she is VERY sensory avoidant, both sound and visual stimulation. How is she with eating, textures, flavors, touch, tags in her clothes, etc?
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Crystal 09:45 PM 11-16-2010
I agree with you SilverSabre....100%

I am shocked at some of the differing "opinions" on this topic though.
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nannyde 04:58 AM 11-17-2010
Originally Posted by tenderhearts:
I agree that some of it I think she does for attention and I think she just wants things "her" way alot of times, but I do NOT give into her as you claim.

SHE gets to pick the movies .... SHE gets to decide what kids play next to her... SHE gets to go into another room if she doesn't like the book... SHE gets... SHE gets.... SHE gets.)
The only time SHE picks the movies if she is the "line leader".
I've tried telling her to turn her head if she is scared at something in the movie but it disrupts EVERYONE around her.
I should also clarify that when I said that I reassure her when she is afraid such as the mailman coming to the door or when a new child starts, I reasure her by telling her about them, who they are why they are there, I tell her when a new child starts that they are here just like she is, I watch am going to watch them like I watch her, they are a part of the group together. I didn't mean I hug and hold her while these people are here.
I can't control what fear someone has, again I agree that some of it is for attention BUT when its a fear of something on tv, who am I to say it's scary or not to her, I don't see anything scary about any of the stuff they watch. Now yes maybe Monsters Inc. or scooby doo but for instance yesterday when they were watching Imagination Movers it' s not a scary show, she has watched it a million times here, then she starts crying, she wouldn't tell me why other than she wanted the movie in, later the other boy told me it was because one of the movers had on a costume, ok I saw it, it WAS NOT scary, but to me or to the others but how can I say it's not scary so watch it? Like I said I've told her to turn her head but it's very disruptive for everyone else, so it's easier to just have her take a nap or read books or else no one else gets rest.
have a really strong feeling that you have allowed this because you believe she is running the show at home... she's the princess of her kingdom ... and her parents will likely pull her from your care if you don't continue to be her lady in waiting. If that is the case then you must be HONEST with yourself and with us and just say it. If you are tolerating this because you want the money and you fear they will pull her if you talk to them and tell them the WHOLE truth... that if you put the hammer down on this rediculous behavior that SHE will begin to protest so loudly with "I'm scarred" that they will pull her out... then that's a different course of action
Wow I don't think I came here to be attacked by you, I do believe she runs the show at home, some, I'm not sure exactly, I don't really know the mom, dad seems firm with her but yet babied, I DO NOT believe that if I dont' let her do the same here she will be pulled from my care, I do not believe they would do that EVER.
The reason I really haven't mentioned the "I'm scared" thing is because I've just kind of blew it off as a phase, I just didnt think there was anything they could do about her fears,she's a scared she's scare but since it's progressed and she's just getting worse and I think some is more than just being scared and she's so snotty to the others it's just getting out of hand.
Sometimes I feel she's been like this because it has definetly gotten worse since most of the group she was "raised" with here has left and now maybe she feels out of place or "scared" that I dont' love her the same, I treat her no different than anyone else.
Wow I don't think I came here to be attacked by you,
I'm not attacking you. I think you are super sweet. I think this kid has bewitched you and you are loosing your confidence with her.

ok I saw it, it WAS NOT scary, but to me or to the others but how can I say it's not scary so watch it? YES Tender... YES. You CAN tell her what is scarry and what is not. You are her leader. You tell her that it isn't scarry and to stop saying that.

Every animal in the animal kindgdom teaches their young what is and what is not a threat. It's done from birth on. It is our job to tell them what we think is a reasonable response and what is not. It's okay to tell her NO she doesn't get to act scared when something isn't scarry.

I can't control what fear someone has, again I agree that some of it is for attention BUT when its a fear of something on tv, who am I to say it's scary or not to her, Honey YOU are. You are the one to tell her that there is nothing to fear. You are the adult. You tell her that there is nothing to fear and that you won't have her fear behavior with this.

I swear we have completely lost our minds when it comes to common sense in raising kids. We are NOT training providers and supporting each other to get back to some fundamental basic child rearing skills.

This is the same thing as when a kid takes a spill and falls down. When the kid starts to wail and the adult says "oh Johnny nice dive... you are okay ... get up and get at it" with a huge smile and a big congrats for the great fall ... the kid shuts up... gets up... dusts themselves off... and runs off.

When the adult in the same deal goes "are you okay"... oh Johnny that must have really hurt... then the kid goes WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and it goes on forever.

When she does the "i'm scared" words over simple things that YOU know in your heart are NOT scary then it's OKAY to give the response of "it's okay. You aren't hurt. You are fine" now carry on.

It's okay for us to lead them. We are supposed to.

This society is so emeshed in attaching psychological illness or disease or delay in kids that the very very obvious ill behaving kid gets a childhood where nobody stands up and tells them to KNOCK IT OFF and get to playin.

I don't believe this child has a language problem.

I don't believe she has ANY problem expressing herself. In fact I think she's a master at it.

I think her stalling when she's not telling you WHAT she is afraid of is her needing computing time to come up with something she thinks will pass muster when in fact she's just trying to get you to offer her a better gig for her.

I don't think she has fear at all. I think her only fear is the fear that she won't rule. Her anxiety is the anxiety of an unstable leader who shouldn't be leading in the first place.

BUT... and this is a big BUT... you know this kid for four years. If in your heart you believe she has some kind of serious mental issue then it is your job to insist she receive evaluation and ongoing treatment. AND.. the most important thing on your end... is that YOU receive the financial compensation you SHOULD receive to care for a mentally ill kid.

You are welcome to call me if you want to talk strategy. I may be able to help you with some base responses to integrate her back into the play of the other kids.

Just PM me if you want some ideas nannyde style. Even though it's different than what you do you may be able to cherry pick a few ideas from my ways that make your life a little easier till she's off to school.
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tenderhearts 08:07 AM 11-17-2010
nannyde,

None of my kids behave this way because they wouldn't DARE talk to me like she does you or talk to my other kids the way she does. She needs to be put in her place quickly, I must congratulate you on running such a "perfect" daycare with "perfect" children. Maybe the kids in your care are just that "afraid" to express their feelings for fear of what you will do. jmho.
I don't think she has fear at all.I think her only fear is the fear that she won't rule. Her anxiety is the anxiety of an unstable leader who shouldn't be leading in the first place. I am not a leader because I allow her to try and tell me her feelings? I'm not going to sweep someones feelings under the rug. If someone didn't take my childs feelings seriously they would NOT be in their care. It happened to my daughter in kindergarten, our daycare provider told me just that, she's trying to control you, the school, me and the situation, ignore it Well after talking with counselors at her school(upon their suggestion) she had a fear it was her fear she didn't have anything to be "afraid" of but it still was scary to her. I removed her from this daycare and with the help of the school, us,she overcame it, brushing it under the rug would NOT have helped her, it would have kept going. So I disagree that just because I may not think it's a scary she in fact may and I can tell her until I'm blue in the face it's not scary but that's not going to make someone NOT scared just because someone is telling her not to be, sounds to me more like someone trying to control the child. My husband is afraid of water, I can tell him repeatedly not to be afraid it's not scary but is that miraculously going to make him unfraid because his wife tells him it's not??
Again how am I NOT a leader, how am I letting her control the situtation, when she started crying during her movie and later told me she wanted her movie in she picked out, she didn't even get to watch the movie she was removed and read books for quiet time, so how am I letting her control things? she didn't get what she wanted, it didn't change for anyone else...

SilverSabre25
Thank you, I have pretty much have done all of those things, when she complained about papers on the desk I said just that, I'm sorry you don't like them there, if you don't like it you can go find something else to do. She stayed playing.
I have had to "dismiss" her from show & tell before for being rude and not nice, she was fine the next couple weeks, last week started again I told her she again wouldn't participate this week if she wasn't going to be nice and I told her dad about the situation as well.
When she's scared of something I offer her every time she can go in the other room if she'd like and she always chooses not to and usually "stops" whatever it was she didn't like, was mad about whatever until the next time, do I "make" her go in there? Sometimes she'll just "stop" when I say you can go in the other room if you don't like it and she says no, but other times she'll stop but she'll make pouty, whiney sounds and look very mad.

I DO NOT let her control the group, I have never ever said oh so and so wants it this way so this is how we are going to do it, I have NEVER done that, I DO try and talk with her and ask why she's mad, scared, not being nice, I'm not going to ignore someones feelings, that would make a very poor provider someone who is only out for the money not "caring" about children. As someone else said if your spouse is angry and upset with you do you just ignore it or do you try to figure out what is wrong?

Thanks again SilverSabre25
I will continue with what I have done and use your further suggestions and make sure I'm not giving her those extra "chances" . I just get confused as to when she is saying the mean things and holding her ears, I dont' want anyone to talk and I say well you may go into the other room if you don't like it as I always say and she as she always says no, and she continues making her pouty face and whiny noises to I just let her do that since she's not saying anything or do I just have her go???
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QualiTcare 09:32 AM 11-17-2010
i agree with the basic point nannyde has made. there's nothing wrong with her other than being spoiled and wanting to rule the roost.

she has said "i'm scared" to her parents and gotten her way. she figured out that saying "i don't like this" or "i don't want to do this" gets a response of "too bad" but saying "i'm scared" evokes emotions and change (in her favor, of course).

with my own children, if i close the door and turn the lights out and they say, "i want the light on and i want you to leave the door cracked," i say, "NO," but if they say, "i'm scared," it tugs at my mommy heart strings. not WANTING to have the door closed and being SCARED of having the door closed evoke different responses from me. just an example - they both actually sleep without a light. but they would never say "i want the light on" because they know that wouldn't work. instead they would say "i'm scared without the light." my daughter knows she has to go to school no matter what, even if she whines and says she doesn't want or she's tired and she hates it, etc. BUT she didn't go to school one day when she had an upset stomach. guess how many upset stomachs she's had since then? difference is -i knew she was full of it and on the bus she went.

i don't think she has a sensory disorder other than not liking to hear the word NO. i've never heard of someone's sensory issues disappearing when the movie that they WANT to watch gets put on. if she had a sensory disorder, her favorite movie would bother her just as much as a movie she's "scared of." you can't turn a sensory disorder off and on.

the box to hide in is a good idea, but it doesn't even have to be a box. if you have a "quiet area" in the room where the rest of the kids are, send her there when she says she's scared. in fact, tell her not to even tell you she's "scared" anymore, but to go to the quiet area anytime she feels scared. i can understand not wanting to punish her for her feelings, but if you give her a solution (going to the quiet area) you CAN dismiss her for approaching you repeatedly with her "fears" instead of going to the quiet area. she'll get bored of the quiet area really fast. she doesn't want the quiet area. she wants to do things - she just wants it to be the things that she wants to do. going to the quiet area can't change your mind, but telling you she's scared might work and she knows this.
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tenderhearts 09:54 AM 11-17-2010
I don't know what her parents to at home but people keep indicating here she's getting her way when she does this SHE IS NOT, I do NOT give in. When she was crying and said the reason why was because she wanted HER movie in, I DID NOT put in her movie, she didn't watch any movie that day, she was sent into a different room for quiet time. When she is whining and crying or says I'm scared I have said to her every time, if you are scared then you can go in the other room, I don't make her but she always says no, I don't give into her fears.
Now I don't agree that if my child said she was afraid of the dark and didn't want the door closed, I say forget it. That is a fear, ALOT of kids are afraid of the dark, I was, my daughter was, I had no problem saying, no the light will stay off but I will leave your door cracked, I'm "comforting" her to ease her fear and letting her know that I understand. If you were afraid of the water would you want someone to just dump you over the side of a boat and say swim and drive away for you to swim to shore??? Of course not you would be MORE afraid of the water.

So again she tells me all the time she's scared but I she's not getting any where with it other than me asking her what and why she's scared and then telling her she can go in the other room.
Here's the things she always says no, do I just tell her to go even if she doens't want to???
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kendallina 10:00 AM 11-17-2010
Originally Posted by SilverSabre25:
Lots of interesting discussion here.

I'm thinking that there might be two, even three things going on. And it sounds complicated. It's going to take some work.

First off, I'm thinking that she might not have the language she needs to put accurate names to what she's feeling when she says, "I'm scared". Second, I'm thinking that there might be a sensory issue with sound--whether inherent or created by her very quiet home environment. Third, I do think it sounds like she's catered to a lot at home. Fourth, I think it might be a power issue, but the solution is NOT to take away her power, it's to give her more, but appropriate, power. Power that gives her control over HER environment but does NOT affect other people's environment.

When she says she's scared--even if you as the adult do not think that there is anything to be scared of--offer her an out. "If the movie is scary, then you can go look at books/puzzles/color" but make sure she has a place to go where she does not have to see/hear the movie (if you can't prevent her hearing it, offer her headphones to put on). Giving her control over the scary thing in a way that affects no one else, might help immensely. This could also assist if she is getting sensory overload.

You described her covering her ears and saying that it's too loud--that does very much suggest sensory issues to me. Offering her headphones/ear muffs should help with that, unless you can make a "quiet room" she can retreat to when it gets too noisy. Again, this really affects no one but her.

When she's getting controlling over things she has no business controlling, like papers on the desk, tell her that she can either deal with them or she can move her body somewhere else. If she doesn't want to participate in show and tell, then she doesn't have to. Sit her outside the circle but still nearby and ignore her until show and tell is over. Don't let her share her item--assuming she wants to. Explain that if she wants to show her item then she needs to sit and be polite while others show theirs. Before removing her from the circle tell her that and give her the choice. I do not think you should turn off the tv/music in the morning before she gets there--give her the option of retreating to her quiet area or putting on her headphones if she doesn't like it.

Finally, if weeks/months go on and you're trying these things and either it's not improving or she's spending most of her time alone, I would really, really consider bringing the issue up to her parents and suggesting that she be evaluated for some possible sensory issues. It sounds like she is VERY sensory avoidant, both sound and visual stimulation. How is she with eating, textures, flavors, touch, tags in her clothes, etc?
Extremely well said!!
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nikia 10:03 AM 11-17-2010
Originally Posted by tenderhearts:
So again she tells me all the time she's scared but I she's not getting any where with it other than me asking her what and why she's scared and then telling her she can go in the other room.
Here's the things she always says no, do I just tell her to go even if she doens't want to???
I think if she is just whining and going on you should tell her to go even if she doesnt want to. She may just want extra attention and maybe sitting her on your lap for a bit would soothe the whining. With my own kids when they were scared of something I would try and make it funny or play a game with it, it worked for them. If it was a movie like beauty and the beast, my older daughter was scared at first, I sat with her and pointed out funny things to look at in the back ground so she didnt focuse on the beast. Like the candlestick made a funny face. I agree with you on disregarding their feeling will not help anything. If she is truly scared then I think it has to be worked on. If it is extra attention she is needing I would give that to her too, but I am a sucker
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QualiTcare 10:14 AM 11-17-2010
Originally Posted by tenderhearts:
I don't know what her parents to at home but people keep indicating here she's getting her way when she does this SHE IS NOT, I do NOT give in. When she was crying and said the reason why was because she wanted HER movie in, I DID NOT put in her movie, she didn't watch any movie that day, she was sent into a different room for quiet time. When she is whining and crying or says I'm scared I have said to her every time, if you are scared then you can go in the other room, I don't make her but she always says no, I don't give into her fears.
Now I don't agree that if my child said she was afraid of the dark and didn't want the door closed, I say forget it. That is a fear, ALOT of kids are afraid of the dark, I was, my daughter was, I had no problem saying, no the light will stay off but I will leave your door cracked, I'm "comforting" her to ease her fear and letting her know that I understand. If you were afraid of the water would you want someone to just dump you over the side of a boat and say swim and drive away for you to swim to shore??? Of course not you would be MORE afraid of the water.

So again she tells me all the time she's scared but I she's not getting any where with it other than me asking her what and why she's scared and then telling her she can go in the other room.
Here's the things she always says no, do I just tell her to go even if she doens't want to???

i think you misread or misunderstood.

first, i said that her PARENTS have given into her using the words "i'm scared" - not you. i also didn't say at all that if a child say they were afraid of the dark to say "forget it." i said just the opposite. if they said they WANT a light on (so they can color or play) there is a different response than if they say "i'm scared" because of course you don't want a child to be scared. of course they could be lying and saying "i'm scared" because they know it works and they'll be able to play or color. i said that I react differently to a child who is scared vs. a child that doesn't want to do something. we all do - she's figured this out with her parents and she's trying it at your house.

i didn't say you give into her movies. i said if a movie she ENJOYS or WANTS to watch is put on - she has no sensory issues, is that correct? but if it's dora or something she doesn't like - she covers her ears. that's a sign that it's not a sensory issue.


when you tell her to go to another room she always says NO because as i said - she doesn't want to get away from the action. she wants the action to change in her favor (i'm NOT saying you do it) but that's what she wants. that's why you have a "quiet area" in the SAME room she can go to instead of saying she's scared all the time. that way she can remove herself from what is "scary" without being completely alone. she can see the "action" and realize it's not going to change because she's "scared" and she'll realize going to a quiet spot instead of whining to you about what she's scared about is a lot less fun. you should have ONE talk with her about what to do when she's "scared" and what the solution is. that would be going to the quiet area in the SAME room. explain to her that she can go to the quiet area whenever she wants to and she doesn't have to ask you about it or tell you she's scared. if she's scared of dora, she can get up and go to the quiet area. if she's scared of peas, she can get up and go to the quiet area. let her live in the quiet area if she wants to, but if she chooses NOT to, she can not whine to you about what she's scared about. if you ignore her, you aren't dismissing her feelings or fears (there aren't any fears) you are dismissing her because she is not following directions and the directions were, "go to the quiet area when you're scared - do not whine to me" again, we're not talking about a truly scared child. we're talking about a child that is using words with no true meaning.
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nannyde 10:21 AM 11-17-2010
Originally Posted by QualiTcare:
i don't think she has a sensory disorder other than not liking to hear the word NO. i've never heard of someone's sensory issues disappearing when the movie that they WANT to watch gets put on. if she had a sensory disorder, her favorite movie would bother her just as much as a movie she's "scared of." you can't turn a sensory disorder off and on.


WOOT TO QUALTI

Finally a Mother's voice of reason.

You know what the dead give away on this kid is? It's Scooby Doo.

The whole premise of Scooby is a roller coaster of high end emotion plus adorable Scooby. A kid with all of her "fears" if they were real... would NEVER even watch a Scooby commercial.

She needs to go play toys. and quit sucking the life out of the adult and the joy out of the other kids life. There's nothing to figure out here. It's really simple. She's actually very slick and she may pull it off for a bit more but soon enough she will attend the GREAT EQUALIZER which is public school.

She needs school so bad it's not even funny. Her little age mate princess friends will right her real quick like. Her teacher will do about three days of "the color yellow makes me sad" and then she will be dismissed and shuned into being decent.

I think she'll be fine tho. She's actually very clever. I love kids like that and wish she could come on over to Nans house. I have two little four year old princesses who would be happy to have her in their Kingdom.
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tenderhearts 10:55 AM 11-17-2010
Like I said Nannyed, you must be a PERFECT daycare provider with PERFECT children, maybe you advertise for these??? How do you get them? just curious
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Unregistered 11:40 AM 11-17-2010
Kids have an uncanny ability to find out how to get what they want from the care givers in their lives. Using the "I'm scared" approach is popular if the child and his/her friends are watching a program and the child wants to watch something else. "I'm scared" is also a popular sentiment when it's time for nap and the lights go out.

To the OP, you need to be able to cut through the manipulation tactics that this child is using on you or you'll be feeling the fall-out for a long time. Worse yet, children do tend to learn from their peers and if the other kids see that the "scared" kid is able to get her way, then you may end up with a mutiny. Kids are incredibly perceptive.

Take Nan's advice. Listen to QualiT's advice. Trust me when I say that the more that you play into this child's theatrics, the worse it will become. I'm not saying that you shouldn't listen to the child's feelings, just that you need to be able to differentiate between a genuine feeling of fear and manipulation tactics.

Good luck
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MarinaVanessa 12:11 PM 11-17-2010
Originally Posted by :
Thanks so if she's "over stimulated" what do I do?
You don't have to send her to another room or anything, maybe you could get a pair of earmuffs??? Being serious here. But then after reading more I thought of this ...

Originally Posted by :
I do know at her house things are VERY VERY quiet, she is an only child, I don't know how much her parents "play" with her when she's home, but I know they don't watch much tv or anything. Alot of quiet play.
Sounds to me like she wasn never really allowed to be an "average" child at home. Not saying anything bad about the parents or anything, everyone has their own parenting styles/rules etc. Just saying that if at her home she's used to it being quiet and that's what she likes then that could be the problem. She just like quiet because it's what she's used to at home. It's soothing for her. I was like this also when I was a little girl. Played by myself and very quietly but because in my parent's home my mom didn't like me to be too loud. I never liked going to Chuck E Cheese or places like that because it was too loud for me. My mom bought me a pair of ear muffs when she took me to Disneyland lol. That's where I got the idea from .
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Michael 04:38 PM 11-17-2010
Nannyde, you are coming across as condescending to the other members IMO. This holier-then-thou position does not work here. Why not just make your point and stand by it. You are not going to win anyone over with that attitude.
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nannyde 04:40 PM 11-17-2010
Originally Posted by Michael:
Nannyde, you are coming across as condescending to the other members IMO. This holier-then-thou position does not work here. Why not just make your point and stand by it. You are not going to win anyone over with that attitude.
You getting emails again Michael?

I have no idea what you are talking about.
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Michael 07:57 PM 11-17-2010
Originally Posted by nannyde:
You getting emails again Michael?

I have no idea what you are talking about.
I've read through this thread. You are an experienced provider but comments like this are attacking and personal:

"None of my kids behave this way because they wouldn't DARE talk to me like she does you or talk to my other kids the way she does. She needs to be put in her place quickly. Her place needs to be last place for a long time. She needs to be humbled and righted and I don't think that can happen in your world."
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Unregistered 08:55 PM 11-17-2010
Originally Posted by Michael:
I've read through this thread. You are an experienced provider but comments like this are attacking and personal:

"None of my kids behave this way because they wouldn't DARE talk to me like she does you or talk to my other kids the way she does. She needs to be put in her place quickly. Her place needs to be last place for a long time. She needs to be humbled and righted and I don't think that can happen in your world."

I think that hearing advice from people is a good thing. Nan is a wealth of knowledge and that should be honored. We are not all at that level yet. Maybe it seems harsh, but it just seems to be good advice give with a no nonsense attitude
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Unregistered 08:13 AM 11-18-2010
Originally Posted by Michael:

"None of my kids behave this way because they wouldn't DARE talk to me like she does you or talk to my other kids the way she does. She needs to be put in her place quickly. Her place needs to be last place for a long time. She needs to be humbled and righted and I don't think that can happen in your world."
I personally think that this is VERY sound advice and don't see anything in the LEAST bit personal about it.

3KidsMom
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Michael 10:54 AM 11-18-2010
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I personally think that this is VERY sound advice and don't see anything in the LEAST bit personal about it.

3KidsMom
First off, welcome to the forum. Secondly, I don't agree with you. This WOULD NOT be personal:

"None of my kids behave this way because they wouldn't DARE talk to me like that or talk to my other kids the way she does. She needs to be put in her place quickly. Her place needs to be last place for a long time. She needs to be humbled and righted."

I don't want to censor here but I do want to set a tone to this forum that is constructive and informative. Thanks for your feedback. Please consider becoming a member.
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marniewon 10:55 AM 11-18-2010
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I personally think that this is VERY sound advice and don't see anything in the LEAST bit personal about it.

3KidsMom
I agree with the above.
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Tags:fearful child, scared, whining
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