daycare 04:06 PM 05-09-2011
So i talked to my husband in detail about wanting to approach my SIL about my niece. I discussed all the red flags in a previous post.
My husband got so mad at me and said that I have no right to say a word to anyone about how to raise their child. It's not ours to raise and that if they want her to watch TV all day then that is her business.
He also said as for as being delayed, he said that a delayed child would not be able to memorize all of the lines to a moive if they were delayed? Hmm yes...?? No?? I think my niece has memorized the lines becuase she watches it ervery day all day, and I have an issue with that, Her social and emotional needs are NOT being met on a daily basis? Ugh so now I really feel bad for even wanting to say a word. According to my husband, I am only going to offend my SIL and In-laws..........
boy oh boy.........I need advice here..
snbauser 04:28 PM 05-09-2011
Your husband is wrong. My middle ds was developmentally delayed and could memorize a movie word for word after watching it once. Different skills use different parts of the brain.
Please do not give up on this child. It sounds like you may be the only one who really understand what she is needing. If she is 4, your SIL should be able to get a free evaluation through your local school and find out for sure. I would approach it as you are concerned that she may not be ready for Kindergarten next year and that they should consider having her evaluated.
Symphony 05:10 PM 05-09-2011
I was wondering about the kindergarten thing too. Is she a whole year out? Kindergarten screening will probably reveal all of this to the parents, the bad thing is no one is going to say, "She is delayed because you suck at being parents" you know?
I would still consider calling CPS or an equivilent. Can't you do so anonymously? I'm sorry your DH isn't on board with you. Is this his sister or his brother's wife?
Lilbutterflie 05:13 PM 05-09-2011
Daycare, be careful here. If your husband reacted this way; imagine how your SIL could act. And THEN, you will have your DH and your SIL really upset with you.
I only briefly read your other post; I've had a crazy day here; but it really sounds like IF she's going to her regular doctor visits then her doctor should be picking up on her speech, and the fact she's not potty trained yet. Those are things any pediatrician would pick up on.
You may even try to bring the subject of kindergarten up to your SIL and her readiness to see how she reacts. But again, approach it very carefully.
daycare 05:27 PM 05-09-2011
Originally Posted by Lilbutterflie:
Daycare, be careful here. If your husband reacted this way; imagine how your SIL could act. And THEN, you will have your DH and your SIL really upset with you.
I only briefly read your other post; I've had a crazy day here; but it really sounds like IF she's going to her regular doctor visits then her doctor should be picking up on her speech, and the fact she's not potty trained yet. Those are things any pediatrician would pick up on.
You may even try to bring the subject of kindergarten up to your SIL and her readiness to see how she reacts. But again, approach it very carefully.
This is one of my biggest fears...However, I have decided taht something needs to be done. We have the same doctor and of course they chalk it all up to her baing shy. She has also only been to get her shots. Never to any of her other appts. And they also tell the doctor how smart she is. Every time I see the doc shes always telling me how cute my niece is but how shy she is..... because of Hippa laws the conversations never go further than that.
The reason i will put myself in the frying pan, is because yesterday when i was at my in laws house, the enviornment was horrible. I felt so uncomfortable being there due to all of the tension in the house. Mostly from her parents, as they are not even on talking terms. Their daughter was holding on to me for dear life when we were leaving and by the time i got to the car i started to cry.... My husband will get over it and so will the SIL, but if someone doesnt say something and stand up for my niece she will never get the help she needs. Even if i say something and no actions take place, I will feel better at least knowing that i tired....
thanks for responding
GretasLittleFriends 06:04 PM 05-09-2011
Originally Posted by daycare:
This is one of my biggest fears...However, I have decided taht something needs to be done. We have the same doctor and of course they chalk it all up to her baing shy. She has also only been to get her shots. Never to any of her other appts. And they also tell the doctor how smart she is. Every time I see the doc shes always telling me how cute my niece is but how shy she is..... because of Hippa laws the conversations never go further than that.
The reason i will put myself in the frying pan, is because yesterday when i was at my in laws house, the enviornment was horrible. I felt so uncomfortable being there due to all of the tension in the house. Mostly from her parents, as they are not even on talking terms. Their daughter was holding on to me for dear life when we were leaving and by the time i got to the car i started to cry.... My husband will get over it and so will the SIL, but if someone doesnt say something and stand up for my niece she will never get the help she needs. Even if i say something and no actions take place, I will feel better at least knowing that i tired....
thanks for responding
Not entirely true. Yes, the doctor cannot discuss another patient with you, however, that doesn't mean that you can't discuss their patient with them. The doc saying how shy she is could very well be an invitation for you to
SPILL YOUR GUTS!! Take advantage of it! There is nothing wrong with telling the doctor the things you noticed. You can also express your concerns about the family getting upset with you, and feeling alone. This may give the doctor a chance at the child's next appointment to do a full eval.
QualiTcare 07:29 PM 05-09-2011
Originally Posted by GretasLittleFriends:
Not entirely true. Yes, the doctor cannot discuss another patient with you, however, that doesn't mean that you can't discuss their patient with them. The doc saying how shy she is could very well be an invitation for you to SPILL YOUR GUTS!! Take advantage of it! There is nothing wrong with telling the doctor the things you noticed. You can also express your concerns about the family getting upset with you, and feeling alone. This may give the doctor a chance at the child's next appointment to do a full eval.
true! she could start out by saying, "i know you can't comment or discuss them with me, but i am very worried because X,Y, and Z." then, when the doctor starts to open their mouth to say something like, "well, i can't really discuss..." i would just interrupt and say, "i know. you don't have to say anything. i just wanted you to be aware. so, anyhow, how has johnny grown since our last visit?"
daycare 07:48 PM 05-09-2011
Originally Posted by QualiTcare:
true! she could start out by saying, "i know you can't comment or discuss them with me, but i am very worried because X,Y, and Z." then, when the doctor starts to open their mouth to say something like, "well, i can't really discuss..." i would just interrupt and say, "i know. you don't have to say anything. i just wanted you to be aware. so, anyhow, how has johnny grown since our last visit?"
I did not mention in this post, but i did in the other post.....my mother n law runs the entire hospital.... SO she is the boss of our family doctor. the only reason I am afraid to say anything, is becuase the doc is close to my mother n law at work and I don't want the doc to say anything to my MIL that it came from me..... I also did think that it was against hippa, but i guess I was wrong about that....
QualiTcare 08:19 PM 05-09-2011
Originally Posted by daycare:
I did not mention in this post, but i did in the other post.....my mother n law runs the entire hospital.... SO she is the boss of our family doctor. the only reason I am afraid to say anything, is becuase the doc is close to my mother n law at work and I don't want the doc to say anything to my MIL that it came from me..... I also did think that it was against hippa, but i guess I was wrong about that....
well, the doctor is obligated to follow hipaa guidelines, but YOU are not. as far as the doctor speaking to you MIL - i'm not sure about that. i know where i work (a hospital) we aren't allowed to have any access to patient info. unless it's a patient we're assigned to. people have been fired for looking at their OWN records. i don't know what the relationship is with the doc and your MIL but you need to think about the best interest of the child - not what your MIL thinks. it wouldn't hurt to throw in there when speaking to the doctor that you'd rather your MIL not be notified.
Meyou 03:28 AM 05-10-2011
My ex SIL and I have the same doctor and there have been several times that I have "spilled" my concerns for SIL to our doc. I was worried about her during several fertility treatments because she tends to downplay anything concerning her own physical and mental health. Our doc listened and brought it up the next time SIL went in, sometimes mentioning me, sometimes not depending on my request.
nannyde 05:05 AM 05-10-2011
I don't know if I would get involved with this. You can call it into the state if you feel it rises to abuse or neglect but I wouldn't do anything but that.
It's a tough one.
countrymom 06:08 AM 05-10-2011
Originally Posted by nannyde:
I don't know if I would get involved with this. You can call it into the state if you feel it rises to abuse or neglect but I wouldn't do anything but that.
It's a tough one.
I agree call anon. then let them check everything out.
wdmmom 07:54 AM 05-10-2011
I would call your local AEA agency or DHS office. I wouldn't report any sign of abuse or neglect but tell them that this family could use some help. If one of the agencies offers to help and the family doesn't take it, leave well enough alone. All children are raised differently, why interfere just because you think the way the child is being raised is wrong?! People have done much worse to children than sticking them in front of a TV.
Meeko 08:13 AM 05-10-2011
Originally Posted by GretasLittleFriends:
Not entirely true. Yes, the doctor cannot discuss another patient with you, however, that doesn't mean that you can't discuss their patient with them. The doc saying how shy she is could very well be an invitation for you to SPILL YOUR GUTS!! Take advantage of it! There is nothing wrong with telling the doctor the things you noticed. You can also express your concerns about the family getting upset with you, and feeling alone. This may give the doctor a chance at the child's next appointment to do a full eval.
I feel the same way. Tell the doctor that you don't need to DISCUSS the child with him. He doesn't have to say a word. Maybe give him a list of things you have noticed and ask him to pay attention to them the next time he sees her.
I think you could also say that you would appreciate it being between you and him and not your MIL. I think he would actually be very agreeable to that.
ChaserT27 09:27 AM 05-10-2011
I agree with a few above..when it is on your spouse's side.., things can get messy REAL fast. I have been with my husband for 12 years and still occasionally we have spats over his family. :0( At the beginning..I could say nothing at all without a huge blow out.
I would attempt to speak with the doctor..if this doctor is good..he will deal with it on his own in a way to help the child without causing harm to others. If he spills his guts to the MIL as well as SIL about your meeting..then I am not sure I would personally want him as a Dr for my own kid!
I feel your pain and would want to help any way I could. It is NOT easy turning on a family member (I have had to do this once myself and it took me nearly two yrs. to get up the guts) but children do not have voices of their own and alot of the times those involved such as doctors simply take the parent's word as truth. My girls were never tested by the doctor - I was questioned and we would work on things per my answers. :0( Some of my DC kids - the parents have gone against the dr. and my advice and then out right lied to the dr as to not hear it! (I have one that had a bottle out side of my home till she was two!!)
I take it that you are not "buddy-buddy" with the SIL or you would of spoken to her by now on your own. So be careful how you approach it as it can put a lot of strain on your marriage by turning the whole fam against you. I would try either with the Doctor or a anonymous call to your local DSS.(or both). If you choose DSS ~ do not include things that could pin point them to you!
Good luck!! :0)