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jokalima 10:33 AM 10-01-2013
Today I started a new baby, one of the cutest and happiest baby I've seen, that's until mom left.. The baby was so sad during the day and there was basically nothing I could do to comfort her . She cried and cried and kept crying, I know it is her first day, but rarely a get babies that won't stop. I was expecting for her to get better during the day but she did not. Mom was a mess as well, it was so sad to see her so emotional. She was concerned about the baby "not recognize her" when she picked up, so she was crying too because is the first time in the babies life that they have been apart. The baby was so tired that as soon as mom picked her up she basically fell asleep in her arms. What suggestions do you have to make both of them feel better? I usually don't like having parents hanging around during the day but I told her maybe she should stay a good 30 mints here with the baby to help her get more comfortable. Any other suggestions for mom and baby?
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providerandmomof4 10:45 AM 10-01-2013
I have a super sweet little girl that I have had since she was 6 mths old. The same thing was happening the first few days for me until I figured out that she wasn't upset that mom wasn't there........she was a baby that needed (begged for!) more sleep. I was misreading her cues. She was really tired and took three naps a day in the beginning. I had been used to only napping babies twice. But this one; when she was ready for a nap, there was no keeping her up! She would get extremely fussy and then, if I didn't put her down for a nap, she would just curl up where-ever she was and go to sleep! Poor little thing..She would wake up like a new child! So maybe try laying her down if you've tried everything and there is no consoling her
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jokalima 04:26 AM 10-02-2013
I will definitely try this and see if it helps, thanks for the tip
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Maria2013 05:48 AM 10-02-2013
Originally Posted by jokalima:
Today I started a new baby, one of the cutest and happiest baby I've seen, that's until mom left.. The baby was so sad during the day and there was basically nothing I could do to comfort her . She cried and cried and kept crying, I know it is her first day, but rarely a get babies that won't stop. I was expecting for her to get better during the day but she did not. Mom was a mess as well, it was so sad to see her so emotional. She was concerned about the baby "not recognize her" when she picked up, so she was crying too because is the first time in the babies life that they have been apart. The baby was so tired that as soon as mom picked her up she basically fell asleep in her arms. What suggestions do you have to make both of them feel better? I usually don't like having parents hanging around during the day but I told her maybe she should stay a good 30 mints here with the baby to help her get more comfortable. Any other suggestions for mom and baby?
cuddle cuddle and cuddle that baby every chance you've got....keep reassuring mom that the first few days are the worst and then her baby will show her how much she likes it there...time is all you guys need
PS don't show them you are sad too, if you give super good care, there is nothing to be sad about ..show them that
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Cradle2crayons 06:20 AM 10-02-2013
Originally Posted by jokalima:
Today I started a new baby, one of the cutest and happiest baby I've seen, that's until mom left.. The baby was so sad during the day and there was basically nothing I could do to comfort her . She cried and cried and kept crying, I know it is her first day, but rarely a get babies that won't stop. I was expecting for her to get better during the day but she did not. Mom was a mess as well, it was so sad to see her so emotional. She was concerned about the baby "not recognize her" when she picked up, so she was crying too because is the first time in the babies life that they have been apart. The baby was so tired that as soon as mom picked her up she basically fell asleep in her arms. What suggestions do you have to make both of them feel better? I usually don't like having parents hanging around during the day but I told her maybe she should stay a good 30 mints here with the baby to help her get more comfortable. Any other suggestions for mom and baby?
I don't allow parents to stay because it ends up making it much much harder for the child in the long run.

I agree the child may simply be over stimulated or tired.
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itlw8 06:30 AM 10-02-2013
did mom bring something with her scent on it? have her leave a shirt she wore for a little bit or a spritz of her perfume if she always wears it. It will get better for both of them soon.
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SilverSabre25 06:30 AM 10-02-2013
Oh, of COURSE she will recognize you! You are her mama, and there's no one else like mama in the whole entirety of time and space. You are her one and only mama, always and forever, and she always has and always will know that. I know it's hard on both of you at first but she will get used to this new routine and so will you. Now, [baby] say BYE MAMA! I LOVE YOU!


And to baby, "I know, it is so hard to watch mama leave. She will come back. In a few hours she will come right back to baby! I know, you miss your mama. You are worried about mama. She is coming back to you. She has to work, and then she will come right back and scoop you up and give you lots of hugs and kisses!"

And then when mama comes back... "See? I told you mama would be back! It was hard to wait but here she is! Giving you hugs and snuggles just like I said! See? Mama always comes back to baby!"
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daycaremum 08:12 AM 10-02-2013
How old is baby?
I'm afraid to tell you nothing will help except for time. Baby needs to get used to being cared for by someone other than mom, and mom needs to get used to being away from baby. Just reassure mom that baby will of course remember her each day and that it is normal for baby to be upset while she gets used to daycare. Reassure her and yourself that it will get better each day. I've had several kids who cried, hard, the entire first day or two. Do not let mom stay for a half hour, it won't help, it will actually make it harder on them both.
And be confident when speaking with mom, if you are confident she will become confident as well.
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nothingwithoutjoy 10:51 AM 10-02-2013
I disagree that having mom stay for a while is harmful. In my program, I require a parent to stay for the full first day, and encourage them to stay whenever they want. Some advantages of having them there at the beginning:

-they see exactly what you do all day and feel very connected to your program from the beginning
-it sets the expectation that you and the parents will work together and that you expect families to be very involved in their child's education
-you have all that time to observe how the parent responds to the child--eliminates guesswork and gives you a much better sense of what the child is used to (even if you're not going to do it exactly the same way)
-they have a chance to observe how you do things, which may give them ideas to try
-the child sees you and their parent are comfortable together, and therefore is able to trust you
-the child can get used to you and your space from the safety of their parents' arms (or at least be able to look over their shoulder to find them).

My most recent example is the 2-year-old who just started a few weeks ago. He was in another child care, where he screamed at drop off and just before nap. Mom stayed here all day his first day, though often out of sight. For ex, when we went outside, she stayed in. He kept one eye on the window the whole time--he knew she was in there, and it seemed to give him comfort. No screaming at nap, though again, she stayed out of the nap room (her choice, based on what she thought he needed). Dad and mom were both here after nap, and were amazed to watch an easy diaper change (he squirms and yells at home). It seemed to give them great comfort to see it. Next day, he pretty much shoved mom out the door with a happy "bye!" No screaming at drop off or nap.
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butterfly 11:22 AM 10-02-2013
Originally Posted by nothingwithoutjoy:
I disagree that having mom stay for a while is harmful. In my program, I require a parent to stay for the full first day, and encourage them to stay whenever they want. Some advantages of having them there at the beginning:

-they see exactly what you do all day and feel very connected to your program from the beginning
-it sets the expectation that you and the parents will work together and that you expect families to be very involved in their child's education
-you have all that time to observe how the parent responds to the child--eliminates guesswork and gives you a much better sense of what the child is used to (even if you're not going to do it exactly the same way)
-they have a chance to observe how you do things, which may give them ideas to try
-the child sees you and their parent are comfortable together, and therefore is able to trust you
-the child can get used to you and your space from the safety of their parents' arms (or at least be able to look over their shoulder to find them).

My most recent example is the 2-year-old who just started a few weeks ago. He was in another child care, where he screamed at drop off and just before nap. Mom stayed here all day his first day, though often out of sight. For ex, when we went outside, she stayed in. He kept one eye on the window the whole time--he knew she was in there, and it seemed to give him comfort. No screaming at nap, though again, she stayed out of the nap room (her choice, based on what she thought he needed). Dad and mom were both here after nap, and were amazed to watch an easy diaper change (he squirms and yells at home). It seemed to give them great comfort to see it. Next day, he pretty much shoved mom out the door with a happy "bye!" No screaming at drop off or nap.
Nope not gonna happen here. Having a parent here a whole day totally disrupts our routine and the kids get too wild. The other children seem to forget who they need to listen to... No way to having a parent inside my house while I'm outside with everyone... Nope not gonna happen!

I have done up to an hour for a little one who had a really hard time adjusting, but it was really difficult on all the other kids (and even that child). The other dcks were swarming the parent, trying to get the attention of "new blood". It ticked the child off... Nightmare. Hope to never have to do that again.

I do have an open door policy, but to have a parent hang out the whole day is a little too much for me.
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Heidi 11:35 AM 10-02-2013
Originally Posted by nothingwithoutjoy:
I disagree that having mom stay for a while is harmful. In my program, I require a parent to stay for the full first day, and encourage them to stay whenever they want. Some advantages of having them there at the beginning:

-they see exactly what you do all day and feel very connected to your program from the beginning
-it sets the expectation that you and the parents will work together and that you expect families to be very involved in their child's education
-you have all that time to observe how the parent responds to the child--eliminates guesswork and gives you a much better sense of what the child is used to (even if you're not going to do it exactly the same way)
-they have a chance to observe how you do things, which may give them ideas to try
-the child sees you and their parent are comfortable together, and therefore is able to trust you
-the child can get used to you and your space from the safety of their parents' arms (or at least be able to look over their shoulder to find them).

My most recent example is the 2-year-old who just started a few weeks ago. He was in another child care, where he screamed at drop off and just before nap. Mom stayed here all day his first day, though often out of sight. For ex, when we went outside, she stayed in. He kept one eye on the window the whole time--he knew she was in there, and it seemed to give him comfort. No screaming at nap, though again, she stayed out of the nap room (her choice, based on what she thought he needed). Dad and mom were both here after nap, and were amazed to watch an easy diaper change (he squirms and yells at home). It seemed to give them great comfort to see it. Next day, he pretty much shoved mom out the door with a happy "bye!" No screaming at drop off or nap.
I think I am going to make this part of my enrollment policy from now on. Definitely something to think about.

My reason would be that I want the parents to see how hard this actually is. It might help them understand where I am coming from when I say "this is how I do things".
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nothingwithoutjoy 11:45 AM 10-02-2013
Originally Posted by Heidi:
I think I am going to make this part of my enrollment policy from now on. Definitely something to think about.

My reason would be that I want the parents to see how hard this actually is. It might help them understand where I am coming from when I say "this is how I do things".
Definitely.

I added this when I opened my own program, after reading about how they do it in the infant-toddler schools in Reggio. It sounded brilliant to me, and I have loved it. Of course it's somewhat uncomfortable being watched all day, but well worth it.
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daycaremum 12:02 PM 10-02-2013
Sorry, double posted.
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daycaremum 12:04 PM 10-02-2013
I disagree that having mom stay for a while is harmful. In my program, I require a parent to stay for the full first day, and encourage them to stay whenever they want. Some advantages of having them there at the beginning:

-they see exactly what you do all day and feel very connected to your program from the beginning
-it sets the expectation that you and the parents will work together and that you expect families to be very involved in their child's education
-you have all that time to observe how the parent responds to the child--eliminates guesswork and gives you a much better sense of what the child is used to (even if you're not going to do it exactly the same way)
-they have a chance to observe how you do things, which may give them ideas to try
-the child sees you and their parent are comfortable together, and therefore is able to trust you
-the child can get used to you and your space from the safety of their parents' arms (or at least be able to look over their shoulder to find them).

My most recent example is the 2-year-old who just started a few weeks ago. He was in another child care, where he screamed at drop off and just before nap. Mom stayed here all day his first day, though often out of sight. For ex, when we went outside, she stayed in. He kept one eye on the window the whole time--he knew she was in there, and it seemed to give him comfort. No screaming at nap, though again, she stayed out of the nap room (her choice, based on what she thought he needed). Dad and mom were both here after nap, and were amazed to watch an easy diaper change (he squirms and yells at home). It seemed to give them great comfort to see it. Next day, he pretty much shoved mom out the door with a happy "bye!" No screaming at drop off or nap.



I disagree. A young child who is having separation anxiety is not going to do better the second day after his parent stayed the whole first day. Now he doesn't understand why he has to stay on his own.

I run a home daycare, obviously in my home, with a group of 5. There is no way I would be comfortable having a parents stay the entire day, nor would I think that the other parents would all be okay with another adult being here for the entire day.

My families come for an interview during daycare hours where they get to meet the other kids, see how things work, see how their child gets along in the group, etc, before they sign on for care. So they already have a good idea of how things go before they make the decision to bring their child.


Glad it has seemed to work for you, but for me that is not an option.
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nothingwithoutjoy 07:29 PM 10-02-2013
Originally Posted by :
I disagree. A young child who is having separation anxiety is not going to do better the second day after his parent stayed the whole first day. Now he doesn't understand why he has to stay on his own.
In my experience (20 years), they do do better when they've had a gradual introduction that includes a parent.

Originally Posted by :
I run a home daycare, obviously in my home, with a group of 5. There is no way I would be comfortable having a parents stay the entire day, nor would I think that the other parents would all be okay with another adult being here for the entire day.
I do family child care as well. It depends what your goals are. My teaching is Reggio Emilia-inspired. Reggio schools are often described as "education through relationships." Relationships--between me and the children, me and the parents, and the families with each other--are key to my program. The families in my program are "the village" for all the kids, and it's one of my goals to get new families to know us well as soon as possible.

Originally Posted by :
My families come for an interview during daycare hours where they get to meet the other kids, see how things work, see how their child gets along in the group, etc, before they sign on for care. So they already have a good idea of how things go before they make the decision to bring their child.
Mine, too. And then I visit them in their home. And then they spend a day here. The welcoming process for a new family here is pretty involved, intentionally.

Originally Posted by :
Glad it has seemed to work for you, but for me that is not an option.
It needn't be. One of the best things about family child care is that it is not institutionalized, and can be done well in many different ways. I was just offering a differing opinion to the original poster, because I've learned a different way which might be helpful to her.
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Heidi 05:03 AM 10-03-2013
I honestly believe there are many right ways.

I am more like NWOJ in my approach, but that doesn't mean that anyone else's is wrong. I would not have even considered years ago when I had a more preschool type program.

Now that I have primarily and infant and toddler program, it sounds like a great idea. To try. If I hate it, I won't do it again. Part of being my own boss.

My own reasoning is a little more selfish. I know the kid's will adjust just fine, and since most of mine come in as newborns, separation anxiety is not a factor. My reason would be so the parent SEES what I do and doesn't get the misguided notion that this is nanny care. Secondly it would be about building trust and getting to know each other better.
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Unregistered 08:40 AM 10-03-2013
I do a gradual introduction too
I have a $25 reg fee which includes , kind of, the interview with the children during day care hours so parent and children can meet other children and see some of the day and how I am with children
and then if they want to sign up they come back with the children during hours if possible so children can paly and we fill out forms
and then the children themselves come an other day for 2 hours parents leave and then on pick up parents can gage how their child did
and then if need be one more time
the little ones learn mom and dad always come back ,
if registered month before starting parents and child come every so often for visit
to me it is about having the children and parents feel comfortable with the place and care that they are a part of
I have an open house policy parents can come anytime during the day ( they usely don't ) or even stay for coffee when picking up to talk and visit
I have even had grandparents come for visits to visit their grandchildren ....deal is they help if need, and have to respect everyone here
I am a family day care so family comes first
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nothingwithoutjoy 08:57 AM 10-03-2013
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I am a family day care so family comes first
I like that.
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jokalima 12:08 PM 10-04-2013
Well, she never came back.

It was to much for her, I ended up encouraging her to keep her home. Why? Because she was not able to bring her during the rest of the week and I am afraid that if she brings her again next week it will be the same, she will be to sad and want to keep her the next day and so on. So I told her about other options she might have like a nanny. I sent her an e-mail telling her I would not charge her for the 2 weeks ( deposit) just the 1st, to please come and give me a new check. Have not heard from her yet.
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jokalima 10:23 PM 10-05-2013
So she did call back last night and said she wanted to come pick things up during the week but that she wanted me to keep the 2 weeks deposit as the payment of her 2 weeks even when she was not going to come. Wow! Really need it.
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Tags:dcp issues, emotional, emotional issues, lingering parents, separation anxiety
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