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daycare 02:32 PM 02-22-2012
Am I going over the top here.. I only want advice on if I am going over the top or not.
My daughter has not been behaving. She is 13, almost 14 and knows better.
Well she has a lot of after school activities. 5 to be exact. She also has a cell phone which I have talked about before being an issue. My ex bought it for her and pays the bill.
Yesterday she got 3 failure notices. So I said no more after school activities and no more cell phone. Took them all away. Well this week it is 2nd winter break and the kids are out of school for the week.
I told my daughter that when she makes up the missed assignments that I will think about giving back her phone and letting her participate.
She has made up all of them, but I also found out that a lot of the ones that were missing, she just didn't turn them in??? (don't understand that)
In the process, she has been using her mouth very rude with unkind words towards me. A bunch of attitude.
So I said until I talk to the teachers next week and see that she is back on track with her schooling, no phone and no activities.
Now she is threatening me to run away or report me to CPS...yes, all because she can't have her phone.....
Please don't bash me. I am doing all I can with an ex that undoes everything I try to do.
All I want to know is am I being over the top? Or should I have punished her more?
My daughter has not been behaving. She is 13, almost 14 and knows better.
Well she has a lot of after school activities. 5 to be exact. She also has a cell phone which I have talked about before being an issue. My ex bought it for her and pays the bill.
Yesterday she got 3 failure notices. So I said no more after school activities and no more cell phone. Took them all away. Well this week it is 2nd winter break and the kids are out of school for the week.
I told my daughter that when she makes up the missed assignments that I will think about giving back her phone and letting her participate.
She has made up all of them, but I also found out that a lot of the ones that were missing, she just didn't turn them in??? (don't understand that)
In the process, she has been using her mouth very rude with unkind words towards me. A bunch of attitude.
So I said until I talk to the teachers next week and see that she is back on track with her schooling, no phone and no activities.
Now she is threatening me to run away or report me to CPS...yes, all because she can't have her phone.....
Please don't bash me. I am doing all I can with an ex that undoes everything I try to do.
All I want to know is am I being over the top? Or should I have punished her more?
SilverSabre25 02:36 PM 02-22-2012
Nope, you're not being over the top.
I'd say, "Okay! You can call CPS! I'll get a commendation for being a good parent and making sure that you put school FIRST, where it is supposed to be!"
Try sitting down with her and, working WITH her, make a chart that details exactly when and how she can get her phone and activities back. Make a plan for her to be able to use your phone/house phone/whatever for limited amounts of time per day. Make her CHOOSE what order she gets her activities and phone back.
You're doing the right thing. I promise!
I'd say, "Okay! You can call CPS! I'll get a commendation for being a good parent and making sure that you put school FIRST, where it is supposed to be!"
Try sitting down with her and, working WITH her, make a chart that details exactly when and how she can get her phone and activities back. Make a plan for her to be able to use your phone/house phone/whatever for limited amounts of time per day. Make her CHOOSE what order she gets her activities and phone back.
You're doing the right thing. I promise!
SilverSabre25 02:37 PM 02-22-2012
Also, you pretty much just did what we call "grounding". And it's entirely normal and common.
Meyou 02:42 PM 02-22-2012
I would have not only taken her phone I would have grounded her to her room for the week for using a mouth like that on me.
If it makes you feel any better my 13 year old lost her phone last weekend for a month because after I told her no for something, she called her stepdad and dad and lied to both of them to go out with her friends anyway while I was sick and taking a nap. She was suppose to come home, clean her room and go shopping for some things she needed with me.
She also lost dance for a week (her life). AND.... tv, her mp3 player and her ereader until her attitude changes and her room stays clean for 7 days without me asking her to pick it up. It's totally up to her if that's just 7 days or years. We're on day 10 and we've had a clean room for 6 days.
If it makes you feel any better my 13 year old lost her phone last weekend for a month because after I told her no for something, she called her stepdad and dad and lied to both of them to go out with her friends anyway while I was sick and taking a nap. She was suppose to come home, clean her room and go shopping for some things she needed with me.
She also lost dance for a week (her life). AND.... tv, her mp3 player and her ereader until her attitude changes and her room stays clean for 7 days without me asking her to pick it up. It's totally up to her if that's just 7 days or years. We're on day 10 and we've had a clean room for 6 days.
daycare 02:45 PM 02-22-2012
Originally Posted by Meyou:
I would have not only taken her phone I would have grounded her to her room for the week for using a mouth like that on me.
If it makes you feel any better my 13 year old lost her phone last weekend for a month because after I told her no for something, she called her stepdad and dad and lied to both of them to go out with her friends anyway while I was sick and taking a nap. She was suppose to come home, clean her room and go shopping for some things she needed with me.
She also lost dance for a week (her life). AND.... tv, her mp3 player and her ereader until her attitude changes and her room stays clean for 7 days without me asking her to pick it up. It's totally up to her if that's just 7 days or years. We're on day 10 and we've had a clean room for 6 days.
yes, I did ground her from the tv and any of my computer. SHe has to stay in her room.I would have not only taken her phone I would have grounded her to her room for the week for using a mouth like that on me.
If it makes you feel any better my 13 year old lost her phone last weekend for a month because after I told her no for something, she called her stepdad and dad and lied to both of them to go out with her friends anyway while I was sick and taking a nap. She was suppose to come home, clean her room and go shopping for some things she needed with me.
She also lost dance for a week (her life). AND.... tv, her mp3 player and her ereader until her attitude changes and her room stays clean for 7 days without me asking her to pick it up. It's totally up to her if that's just 7 days or years. We're on day 10 and we've had a clean room for 6 days.
I did tell her that she can use my phone with permission and that it will be this way until further notice.
She just thinks that because school is currently out that I should wait to punish her because there is nothing she can do at this time to bring her grades up..
thanks so much for responding....
daycare 02:47 PM 02-22-2012
Originally Posted by SilverSabre25:
Nope, you're not being over the top.
I'd say, "Okay! You can call CPS! I'll get a commendation for being a good parent and making sure that you put school FIRST, where it is supposed to be!"
Try sitting down with her and, working WITH her, make a chart that details exactly when and how she can get her phone and activities back. Make a plan for her to be able to use your phone/house phone/whatever for limited amounts of time per day. Make her CHOOSE what order she gets her activities and phone back.
You're doing the right thing. I promise!
thanks for responding and helping out. I feel better knowing that I am doing the right thing. My ex always say that I am to harsh and over the top that I should try to be more understanding. UGH....Europeans....lol jkNope, you're not being over the top.
I'd say, "Okay! You can call CPS! I'll get a commendation for being a good parent and making sure that you put school FIRST, where it is supposed to be!"
Try sitting down with her and, working WITH her, make a chart that details exactly when and how she can get her phone and activities back. Make a plan for her to be able to use your phone/house phone/whatever for limited amounts of time per day. Make her CHOOSE what order she gets her activities and phone back.
You're doing the right thing. I promise!
I think that is an excellent idea to make the chart and let her know when she can have any form of life back.
SunshineMama 02:51 PM 02-22-2012
It's perfectly normal for a 13 yr old girl to rebel. Her hormones are all over the place, which can cause some very difficult emotions, which her brain will sometimes have difficulty controlling. The human brain is not fully developed until the late twenties. You did the right thing by disciplining her, she will need clear, consistent discipline. How you handle her issues now is setting an example for her, when she confronts future issues so always keep your cool and stop and breathe. And be sure to provide lots of positive encouragement, hugs, and love, and make sure she knows you are proud of her, because I am sure there are lots of things she is amazing at 
My kids are only 1 and 3, but I was THAT teenager once. Doing the assignments and not turning them in is a cry for attention. She needs you right now to help guide her through these teenage years.
I would keep the cell phone for a little while longer, and increase the time for every infraction.
My kids are only 1 and 3, but I was THAT teenager once. Doing the assignments and not turning them in is a cry for attention. She needs you right now to help guide her through these teenage years.
I would keep the cell phone for a little while longer, and increase the time for every infraction.
Meyou 02:54 PM 02-22-2012
Originally Posted by daycare:
yes, I did ground her from the tv and any of my computer. SHe has to stay in her room.
I did tell her that she can use my phone with permission and that it will be this way until further notice.
She just thinks that because school is currently out that I should wait to punish her because there is nothing she can do at this time to bring her grades up..
thanks so much for responding....
If she wanted to have fun on her break she should have gotten good grades in school. It's about the grades but it's also about being dishonest about doing poorly and being rude and disrespectful to you just as much. Hang in there. yes, I did ground her from the tv and any of my computer. SHe has to stay in her room.
I did tell her that she can use my phone with permission and that it will be this way until further notice.
She just thinks that because school is currently out that I should wait to punish her because there is nothing she can do at this time to bring her grades up..
thanks so much for responding....
sharlan 02:55 PM 02-22-2012
Of course your ex thinks you're too harsh with her..........He doesn't live with her 24/7. He's a Disneyland dad that blows into town every few weeks. He doesn't live with the reality of raising a child.
Call her bluff. Give her the phone number for the local police and let her call them. Give her the number for CPS. Let her know that once she makes those calls, they cannot be undone.
(A neighbor was having a rough time with her pre-teen and grounded her. The girl called the police. After coming and talking to the mother and child, the office told the girl to pack a bag with a week's worth of clothing. The girl asked why. The officer responded by saying that there was no way he could leave her alone with such an abusive mother and he was taking her to a foster care home in another town. The girl thought the police would come and take her mother away, leaving her home to run the streets as she wanted. She changed her story, real quick.)
Call her bluff. Give her the phone number for the local police and let her call them. Give her the number for CPS. Let her know that once she makes those calls, they cannot be undone.
(A neighbor was having a rough time with her pre-teen and grounded her. The girl called the police. After coming and talking to the mother and child, the office told the girl to pack a bag with a week's worth of clothing. The girl asked why. The officer responded by saying that there was no way he could leave her alone with such an abusive mother and he was taking her to a foster care home in another town. The girl thought the police would come and take her mother away, leaving her home to run the streets as she wanted. She changed her story, real quick.)
youretooloud 03:01 PM 02-22-2012
Originally Posted by daycare:
Now she is threatening me to run away or report me to CPS...yes, all because she can't have her phone.....
Please don't bash me. I am doing all I can with an ex that undoes everything I try to do.
Bahahaha!!! I'd help her pack, find her a place to live for a while, and give her the phone numbers to all the child protection agencies in North America, but she'd never, ever get her phone back. My ex would gladly back me up on this too. (he'd be her first stop on "where to live next" )Now she is threatening me to run away or report me to CPS...yes, all because she can't have her phone.....
Please don't bash me. I am doing all I can with an ex that undoes everything I try to do.
If I promised her she could go back to her after school activities, and she earned it back, I'd let her do that.... but, the phone would be gone for a very long time.
I don't tolerate mouthiness.
youretooloud 03:03 PM 02-22-2012
Wait.. maybe I'm misunderstanding... She DID the assignments late, but didn't turn those in? Or she did them on time, and didn't turn them in, so had to do them late?
daycare 03:06 PM 02-22-2012
Originally Posted by Meyou:
If she wanted to have fun on her break she should have gotten good grades in school. It's about the grades but it's also about being dishonest about doing poorly and being rude and disrespectful to you just as much. Hang in there.
oh love those words...If she wanted to have fun on her break she should have gotten good grades in school. It's about the grades but it's also about being dishonest about doing poorly and being rude and disrespectful to you just as much. Hang in there.
daycare 03:09 PM 02-22-2012
Originally Posted by youretooloud:
Wait.. maybe I'm misunderstanding... She DID the assignments late, but didn't turn those in? Or she did them on time, and didn't turn them in, so had to do them late?
she did them, but did not turn them in at all..Wait.. maybe I'm misunderstanding... She DID the assignments late, but didn't turn those in? Or she did them on time, and didn't turn them in, so had to do them late?
right now my kids don't have school and she cannot turn them in until monday. I don't even know if the teacher will accept them or not as they are now considered late.
She is in all honors classes and most of the teachers do not accept late work.
BTW i would never allow for my ex to take her, he lives in europe and the middle east 85% of the time....just like sharlan said, he is a disneyland dad. He does not participate with disciplinary consequences or punishments..
I think I am going to sell her phone.......or maybe send it to the dad who put bullets through the daughters laptop and let him put bullets through her phone.....lol jk.well maybe
daycare 03:11 PM 02-22-2012
Originally Posted by sharlan:
Of course your ex thinks you're too harsh with her..........He doesn't live with her 24/7. He's a Disneyland dad that blows into town every few weeks. He doesn't live with the reality of raising a child.
Call her bluff. Give her the phone number for the local police and let her call them. Give her the number for CPS. Let her know that once she makes those calls, they cannot be undone.
(A neighbor was having a rough time with her pre-teen and grounded her. The girl called the police. After coming and talking to the mother and child, the office told the girl to pack a bag with a week's worth of clothing. The girl asked why. The officer responded by saying that there was no way he could leave her alone with such an abusive mother and he was taking her to a foster care home in another town. The girl thought the police would come and take her mother away, leaving her home to run the streets as she wanted. She changed her story, real quick.)
ugh.... thanks so much for responding..You have always been so straight forward and helpful.Of course your ex thinks you're too harsh with her..........He doesn't live with her 24/7. He's a Disneyland dad that blows into town every few weeks. He doesn't live with the reality of raising a child.
Call her bluff. Give her the phone number for the local police and let her call them. Give her the number for CPS. Let her know that once she makes those calls, they cannot be undone.
(A neighbor was having a rough time with her pre-teen and grounded her. The girl called the police. After coming and talking to the mother and child, the office told the girl to pack a bag with a week's worth of clothing. The girl asked why. The officer responded by saying that there was no way he could leave her alone with such an abusive mother and he was taking her to a foster care home in another town. The girl thought the police would come and take her mother away, leaving her home to run the streets as she wanted. She changed her story, real quick.)
Part of me wants to let her do it, but I really don't want to have to deal with all of the parents wanting to know why is CPS here or COPS here blah blah blah....
They would look at me and say wow you can't even control your own child........boooo
AmyLeigh 03:14 PM 02-22-2012
Originally Posted by sharlan:
Call her bluff. Give her the phone number for the local police and let her call them. Give her the number for CPS. Let her know that once she makes those calls, they cannot be undone.
(A neighbor was having a rough time with her pre-teen and grounded her. The girl called the police. After coming and talking to the mother and child, the office told the girl to pack a bag with a week's worth of clothing. The girl asked why. The officer responded by saying that there was no way he could leave her alone with such an abusive mother and he was taking her to a foster care home in another town. The girl thought the police would come and take her mother away, leaving her home to run the streets as she wanted. She changed her story, real quick.)
Hahahaha! Reminds me of when I worked at CPS. The social workers all took calls like this. One said she received a call from a 14 yo on Thanksgiving day talking about how horrible his parents were because they grounded him from his video games, TV, friends, etc., for two weeks for breaking curfew. She listened very empathetically then said...."If you were my kid, you would have been grounded for a month!" Then she went on to explain how this call has been documented and how serious a false accusation to CPS really is. Call her bluff. Give her the phone number for the local police and let her call them. Give her the number for CPS. Let her know that once she makes those calls, they cannot be undone.
(A neighbor was having a rough time with her pre-teen and grounded her. The girl called the police. After coming and talking to the mother and child, the office told the girl to pack a bag with a week's worth of clothing. The girl asked why. The officer responded by saying that there was no way he could leave her alone with such an abusive mother and he was taking her to a foster care home in another town. The girl thought the police would come and take her mother away, leaving her home to run the streets as she wanted. She changed her story, real quick.)
Daycare, I only have littles, but I believe you did what was right considering the circumstances.
CheekyChick 03:17 PM 02-22-2012
I've gone through two teenager daughters who were THANKFULLY very good. With that said, my nieces pull stunts like that and my sister isn't very firm with them. My advice is to stick to your guns. Until she matures, you are NOT her friend - your job is to parent her and keep her on track. Keep the phone and keep the fun activities UNTIL she catches up on her schoolwork AND treats you with respect. No respect = NO PHONE!!!
PS: I would probably give her the phone ONLY when she's at school for safety reasons and take it away when she gets home. I'm a paranoid weirdo like that.
PS: I would probably give her the phone ONLY when she's at school for safety reasons and take it away when she gets home. I'm a paranoid weirdo like that.
itlw8 03:23 PM 02-22-2012
It only works to take away what is important to them.
YOU did not fail to turn in the work before break she did.
It is too bad she is out guess she can read a book or clean her room. She could earn some brownie points and help you with some extra chores. LOL
In a few years it wil be the car keys you take away.
You are doing fine and eventually they grow up and get a brain back
YOU did not fail to turn in the work before break she did.
It is too bad she is out guess she can read a book or clean her room. She could earn some brownie points and help you with some extra chores. LOL
In a few years it wil be the car keys you take away.
You are doing fine and eventually they grow up and get a brain back
familyschoolcare 03:26 PM 02-22-2012
Originally Posted by sharlan:
Of course your ex thinks you're too harsh with her..........He doesn't live with her 24/7. He's a Disneyland dad that blows into town every few weeks. He doesn't live with the reality of raising a child.
Call her bluff. Give her the phone number for the local police and let her call them. Give her the number for CPS. Let her know that once she makes those calls, they cannot be undone.
this is atleast in part what I was going to sayOf course your ex thinks you're too harsh with her..........He doesn't live with her 24/7. He's a Disneyland dad that blows into town every few weeks. He doesn't live with the reality of raising a child.
Call her bluff. Give her the phone number for the local police and let her call them. Give her the number for CPS. Let her know that once she makes those calls, they cannot be undone.
SilverSabre25 03:26 PM 02-22-2012
Originally Posted by daycare:
she did them, but did not turn them in at all..
right now my kids don't have school and she cannot turn them in until monday. I don't even know if the teacher will accept them or not as they are now considered late.
She is in all honors classes and most of the teachers do not accept late work.
BTW i would never allow for my ex to take her, he lives in europe and the middle east 85% of the time....just like sharlan said, he is a disneyland dad. He does not participate with disciplinary consequences or punishments..
I think I am going to sell her phone.......or maybe send it to the dad who put bullets through the daughters laptop and let him put bullets through her phone.....lol jk.well maybe
IMO, I wouldn't sell the phone...not yet. Let her know that while she made a mistake this time, she CAN make it up and fix it and life goes on as normal. she did them, but did not turn them in at all..
right now my kids don't have school and she cannot turn them in until monday. I don't even know if the teacher will accept them or not as they are now considered late.
She is in all honors classes and most of the teachers do not accept late work.
BTW i would never allow for my ex to take her, he lives in europe and the middle east 85% of the time....just like sharlan said, he is a disneyland dad. He does not participate with disciplinary consequences or punishments..
I think I am going to sell her phone.......or maybe send it to the dad who put bullets through the daughters laptop and let him put bullets through her phone.....lol jk.well maybe
HOWEVER--you can tell her that if this happens again, you will sell her phone and she will have to work to buy a new one. This would be a mouthiness consequence more than anything else, I think.
familyschoolcare 03:35 PM 02-22-2012
You most certainly did the right thing.
Maybe, you could make it so that her participating in after school activities depends on her keep her grades up and or turning homework in on time. In
the school district I am in I can go online and see my Childs grades at anytime it is update often by the teachers and would reflect a missing
assignment as soon as the teacher recorded it for the class. I realize that you only ask if you where going over the top. I also realize that sometimes
we can not see the trees because of the forest. My thoughts and prayers will be with you I know how hard it can be to d4eal with an unreasonable
Disneyland dad that does not discipline. I count my blessing that my children now realize that their dad is not a reliable responsible parent. Sad but true.
My son told his sixth grade bible teacher one day that he has more respect for his step dad than for his father.
Maybe, you could make it so that her participating in after school activities depends on her keep her grades up and or turning homework in on time. In
the school district I am in I can go online and see my Childs grades at anytime it is update often by the teachers and would reflect a missing
assignment as soon as the teacher recorded it for the class. I realize that you only ask if you where going over the top. I also realize that sometimes
we can not see the trees because of the forest. My thoughts and prayers will be with you I know how hard it can be to d4eal with an unreasonable
Disneyland dad that does not discipline. I count my blessing that my children now realize that their dad is not a reliable responsible parent. Sad but true.
My son told his sixth grade bible teacher one day that he has more respect for his step dad than for his father.
daycare 03:38 PM 02-22-2012
Originally Posted by AmyLeigh:
Hahahaha! Reminds me of when I worked at CPS. The social workers all took calls like this. One said she received a call from a 14 yo on Thanksgiving day talking about how horrible his parents were because they grounded him from his video games, TV, friends, etc., for two weeks for breaking curfew. She listened very empathetically then said...."If you were my kid, you would have been grounded for a month!" Then she went on to explain how this call has been documented and how serious a false accusation to CPS really is.
Daycare, I only have littles, but I believe you did what was right considering the circumstances.
wow that is too funny.....see this is why so many parents are afraid to parent....its things like this....but I don't fear my child, I just fear that she won't understand my reasoning for it and not learn from it....Hahahaha! Reminds me of when I worked at CPS. The social workers all took calls like this. One said she received a call from a 14 yo on Thanksgiving day talking about how horrible his parents were because they grounded him from his video games, TV, friends, etc., for two weeks for breaking curfew. She listened very empathetically then said...."If you were my kid, you would have been grounded for a month!" Then she went on to explain how this call has been documented and how serious a false accusation to CPS really is.
Daycare, I only have littles, but I believe you did what was right considering the circumstances.
MyAngels 03:38 PM 02-22-2012
Originally Posted by Meyou:
I would have not only taken her phone I would have grounded her to her room for the week for using a mouth like that on me.
If it makes you feel any better my 13 year old lost her phone last weekend for a month because after I told her no for something, she called her stepdad and dad and lied to both of them to go out with her friends anyway while I was sick and taking a nap. She was suppose to come home, clean her room and go shopping for some things she needed with me.
She also lost dance for a week (her life). AND.... tv, her mp3 player and her ereader until her attitude changes and her room stays clean for 7 days without me asking her to pick it up. It's totally up to her if that's just 7 days or years. We're on day 10 and we've had a clean room for 6 days.
Ahh, this brings me back to the day when my dd ended up with nothing but her bed in her room - and was lucky to have that I would have not only taken her phone I would have grounded her to her room for the week for using a mouth like that on me.
If it makes you feel any better my 13 year old lost her phone last weekend for a month because after I told her no for something, she called her stepdad and dad and lied to both of them to go out with her friends anyway while I was sick and taking a nap. She was suppose to come home, clean her room and go shopping for some things she needed with me.
She also lost dance for a week (her life). AND.... tv, her mp3 player and her ereader until her attitude changes and her room stays clean for 7 days without me asking her to pick it up. It's totally up to her if that's just 7 days or years. We're on day 10 and we've had a clean room for 6 days.
. We even took the door off the hinges. I'm pretty sure that's when she figured out we were actually serious. Thank heaven that stage didn't last very long. Daycare - yes, you are doing the right thing. No, it's not easy. Take heart - my dd is living proof that that rebellious, back talking, sulky teenager will someday become a wonderful, kind hearted, smart, beautiful young woman.
Sunchimes 03:42 PM 02-22-2012
Absolutely the right thing. My middle granddaughter is a good kid, caused very little trouble, but oh, boy did she mess up when she was 13 or 14. She set up a page on myspace when she had been forbidden to do so. This was the end of the school year, and she lost make up, contacts, ipod, cell phone, video games, slumber parties, even her flat iron for the entire summer. She couldn't understand why it was a big deal because she didn't use her picture or her street address. 
I sat her down on the computer, and in just a few clicks, using information from her myspace page (hobbies, friends, a few random comments about school), I had her home address, her school, and her swim meet schedule. 
She was stunned and while she still whined all summer, at least she knew what she had done wrong and didn't repeat it.
Not turning in work is the bane of every teacher's existence. Why kids do the work and don't bother to turn it in is beyond my comprehension. I once had to flunk a kid who never turned in work. Once that note went home, the parents found most of it in his room. Why?
I sat her down on the computer, and in just a few clicks, using information from her myspace page (hobbies, friends, a few random comments about school), I had her home address, her school, and her swim meet schedule. She was stunned and while she still whined all summer, at least she knew what she had done wrong and didn't repeat it. Not turning in work is the bane of every teacher's existence. Why kids do the work and don't bother to turn it in is beyond my comprehension. I once had to flunk a kid who never turned in work. Once that note went home, the parents found most of it in his room. Why?
daycare 03:44 PM 02-22-2012
Originally Posted by MyAngels:
Ahh, this brings me back to the day when my dd ended up with nothing but her bed in her room - and was lucky to have that. We even took the door off the hinges. I'm pretty sure that's when she figured out we were actually serious. Thank heaven that stage didn't last very long.
Daycare - yes, you are doing the right thing. No, it's not easy. Take heart - my dd is living proof that that rebellious, back talking, sulky teenager will someday become a wonderful, kind hearted, smart, beautiful young woman.
thanks for the encouraging words. I know that I have to do this or I am not doing my job as a parent. I already gave her the if you hate me speech then I am doing my job, I am not your friend.Ahh, this brings me back to the day when my dd ended up with nothing but her bed in her room - and was lucky to have that
. We even took the door off the hinges. I'm pretty sure that's when she figured out we were actually serious. Thank heaven that stage didn't last very long. Daycare - yes, you are doing the right thing. No, it's not easy. Take heart - my dd is living proof that that rebellious, back talking, sulky teenager will someday become a wonderful, kind hearted, smart, beautiful young woman.
I am just trying to find peace right now so that I can talk to her in a way that she will listen. Buts it's hard when the mouth of disrespect keeps coming at me over and over again.
Heidi 03:46 PM 02-22-2012
Originally Posted by daycare:
yes, I did ground her from the tv and any of my computer. SHe has to stay in her room.
I did tell her that she can use my phone with permission and that it will be this way until further notice.
She just thinks that because school is currently out that I should wait to punish her because there is nothing she can do at this time to bring her grades up..
thanks so much for responding....
Yes, you should definately wait to punish her until it's convenient for her! yes, I did ground her from the tv and any of my computer. SHe has to stay in her room.
I did tell her that she can use my phone with permission and that it will be this way until further notice.
She just thinks that because school is currently out that I should wait to punish her because there is nothing she can do at this time to bring her grades up..
thanks so much for responding....
You are doing the right thing. Easy for me to say, because I don't have to see that look in her eyes, but you are!
daycare 03:49 PM 02-22-2012
Originally Posted by bbo:
Yes, you should definately wait to punish her until it's convenient for her!
You are doing the right thing. Easy for me to say, because I don't have to see that look in her eyes, but you are!
lmao too funny..Yes, you should definately wait to punish her until it's convenient for her!
You are doing the right thing. Easy for me to say, because I don't have to see that look in her eyes, but you are!
I told her if you were able to drive and were speeding and got caught by the cops do you think that the officer would say oh don't worry sweetie I understand its not convenient for you to get a ticket right now, I will give you one later...UM NOooooo
Or if you keep calling off work or not doing your job right and your boss wants to fire you, they are not going to say oh I will wait to fire you until next week because you cant afford to be fired this week....um NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo
Thanks for making me feel better, not sure why I was feeling like I did too much, but it feels that way when I don't have any support with my decisions
Countrygal 04:04 PM 02-22-2012
Originally Posted by CheekyChick:
My advice is to stick to your guns. Until she matures, you are NOT her friend - your job is to parent her and keep her on track. Keep the phone and keep the fun activities UNTIL she catches up on her schoolwork AND treats you with respect. No respect = NO PHONE!!!
I agree 100%. I think it is also time to revisit exactly which things in life are NEEDS and which things in life are PRIVILEDGES, and exactly what the difference is between a need and a priviledge. I am one of those moms that would sit her down and get her input to a point, always letting her know that I will consider what she has said, but that I am the Mom and make the decisions. I will tell her what decision I make and why. Unfortunately, until she pays her own rent and electricity and cell phone bill and telephone bill and garbage collection bill, etc, etc, she has to abide by house rules. Just like we all did. My advice is to stick to your guns. Until she matures, you are NOT her friend - your job is to parent her and keep her on track. Keep the phone and keep the fun activities UNTIL she catches up on her schoolwork AND treats you with respect. No respect = NO PHONE!!!
SilverSabre25 04:18 PM 02-22-2012
Originally Posted by Sunchimes:
Absolutely the right thing. My middle granddaughter is a good kid, caused very little trouble, but oh, boy did she mess up when she was 13 or 14. She set up a page on myspace when she had been forbidden to do so. This was the end of the school year, and she lost make up, contacts, ipod, cell phone, video games, slumber parties, even her flat iron for the entire summer. She couldn't understand why it was a big deal because she didn't use her picture or her street address. I sat her down on the computer, and in just a few clicks, using information from her myspace page (hobbies, friends, a few random comments about school), I had her home address, her school, and her swim meet schedule. She was stunned and while she still whined all summer, at least she knew what she had done wrong and didn't repeat it.
I want to comment on this. Absolutely the right thing. My middle granddaughter is a good kid, caused very little trouble, but oh, boy did she mess up when she was 13 or 14. She set up a page on myspace when she had been forbidden to do so. This was the end of the school year, and she lost make up, contacts, ipod, cell phone, video games, slumber parties, even her flat iron for the entire summer. She couldn't understand why it was a big deal because she didn't use her picture or her street address.
I sat her down on the computer, and in just a few clicks, using information from her myspace page (hobbies, friends, a few random comments about school), I had her home address, her school, and her swim meet schedule. She was stunned and while she still whined all summer, at least she knew what she had done wrong and didn't repeat it. Although I totally don't think that her consequence was inappropriate...I do have to wonder...why didn't anyone sit her down when it first came up and show her how easy it was to get that information? In the first "But WHY can't I have one? Everyone else does!" conversation I would have sat down with her and explained, and showed, and let her know that there was a darn good reason WHY the answer was no. Just...food for thought I suppose
saved4always 04:20 PM 02-22-2012
Nope...do not think you are over the top. Gotta nip that in the bud. When my son was in 5th or 6th grade (can't remember which it was now), we went to his parent/teacher conference and we were totally blindsided by the bad reports he got from his teachers. Missing homework assignments all over the place, bad grades, etc. We were shocked because our kids all had gotten good reports before that. Dh told him that he would never sit through a p/t conf. like that again and took aways ds's Nintendo DS (no phone yet; that was his favorite thing then ) and he was grounded and would not get the DS back until his grades were better the next quarter. It was painful; dh stood over him every evening making sure he got the homework done. It worked...he hasn't had bad grades since and he still talks about that year he went without his DS for months! Now he gets just about straight A's.
) and he was grounded and would not get the DS back until his grades were better the next quarter. It was painful; dh stood over him every evening making sure he got the homework done. It worked...he hasn't had bad grades since and he still talks about that year he went without his DS for months! Now he gets just about straight A's.
sharlan 04:42 PM 02-22-2012
Why is your dh not backing you up with your dd? She lives in HIS home and is disrespecting HIS wife.
(Yes, I realize it is your home, too.)
(Yes, I realize it is your home, too.)
Sunchimes 04:43 PM 02-22-2012
Silver, I wondered the same thing. But, she lives halfway across the country. I only got involved in it when she came here to spend a month with her dad.
My guess would be that they had a version of that conversation and thought they said enough. I think she thought it would be ok if she didn't put up her picture or list her address. That was her defense anyway. She was such an obedient kid that her mom thought an explanation and a denial would end the subject.
My guess would be that they had a version of that conversation and thought they said enough. I think she thought it would be ok if she didn't put up her picture or list her address. That was her defense anyway.
She was such an obedient kid that her mom thought an explanation and a denial would end the subject.
daycare 04:51 PM 02-22-2012
Originally Posted by sharlan:
Why is your dh not backing you up with your dd? She lives in HIS home and is disrespecting HIS wife.
(Yes, I realize it is your home, too.)
actually he is out of town for the next two weeks for business otherwise he would be throwing the book at her too. He always backs me up even when he thinks that I am wrong. He and my ex-husband seem to also communicate better sometimes than we do. I called and told the hubby and he plans to call and talk to my ex tonight. Just so happens that my ex comes back into town this weekend and of course he will undo everything that I just did.Why is your dh not backing you up with your dd? She lives in HIS home and is disrespecting HIS wife.
(Yes, I realize it is your home, too.)
My ex says that he wont uphold my punishments with her while he is here. He only has a limited amount of time to spend with her and he won't miss out on doing things with her if I decide to ground her......I kind of understand this, but its showing my daughter that he is an out.............
Michael 04:56 PM 02-22-2012
I haven't had time to read through all the comments. It must be hard being the bad guy when your husband is probably looking good and siding with your daughter. She does need boundaries and at least she has you to set them. One thing I've learned is the threat of taking something, that is so precious to your child, has as much affect as taking it away. I would have taken the phone away and as soon as she did her school makeup work, I would have approved (rewarded) what she did (for you) and would have given her phone back with stipulations. At that point she would know that she can negotiate with you and have a positive outcome. Be firm in what is required but reward quickly when there is something offered in response. Don't let her anger simmer. It is her time to start becoming independent and you can manage that fight in positive terms. Just my 2 cents.
MommieNana4 04:57 PM 02-22-2012
You did the right thing...there will come a point when we all have to go HARD!!! Don't let them get used to the phone, computer, etc. being taken away!
When my daughter was 10 years old, I called the police on her. She did not want to fold the laundry and was being mouthy!!! The officer came out and told her that she had it good with us and that he would take her to a "girl's home". He told her some of the things that went on in one of these "homes" and she had a change of heart. No problems after that!!!
When my daughter was 10 years old, I called the police on her. She did not want to fold the laundry and was being mouthy!!! The officer came out and told her that she had it good with us and that he would take her to a "girl's home". He told her some of the things that went on in one of these "homes" and she had a change of heart. No problems after that!!!
jen 05:00 PM 02-22-2012
Originally Posted by daycare:
Am I going over the top here.. I only want advice on if I am going over the top or not.
My daughter has not been behaving. She is 13, almost 14 and knows better.
Well she has a lot of after school activities. 5 to be exact. She also has a cell phone which I have talked about before being an issue. My ex bought it for her and pays the bill.
Yesterday she got 3 failure notices. So I said no more after school activities and no more cell phone. Took them all away. Well this week it is 2nd winter break and the kids are out of school for the week.
I told my daughter that when she makes up the missed assignments that I will think about giving back her phone and letting her participate.
She has made up all of them, but I also found out that a lot of the ones that were missing, she just didn't turn them in??? (don't understand that)
In the process, she has been using her mouth very rude with unkind words towards me. A bunch of attitude.
So I said until I talk to the teachers next week and see that she is back on track with her schooling, no phone and no activities.
Now she is threatening me to run away or report me to CPS...yes, all because she can't have her phone.....
Please don't bash me. I am doing all I can with an ex that undoes everything I try to do.
All I want to know is am I being over the top? Or should I have punished her more?
In all honesty, my answer would be..."Here is the number for CPS; I hope you enjoy foster care while they get this all straightened out." Then walk away.Am I going over the top here.. I only want advice on if I am going over the top or not.
My daughter has not been behaving. She is 13, almost 14 and knows better.
Well she has a lot of after school activities. 5 to be exact. She also has a cell phone which I have talked about before being an issue. My ex bought it for her and pays the bill.
Yesterday she got 3 failure notices. So I said no more after school activities and no more cell phone. Took them all away. Well this week it is 2nd winter break and the kids are out of school for the week.
I told my daughter that when she makes up the missed assignments that I will think about giving back her phone and letting her participate.
She has made up all of them, but I also found out that a lot of the ones that were missing, she just didn't turn them in??? (don't understand that)
In the process, she has been using her mouth very rude with unkind words towards me. A bunch of attitude.
So I said until I talk to the teachers next week and see that she is back on track with her schooling, no phone and no activities.
Now she is threatening me to run away or report me to CPS...yes, all because she can't have her phone.....
Please don't bash me. I am doing all I can with an ex that undoes everything I try to do.
All I want to know is am I being over the top? Or should I have punished her more?
countrymom 06:20 PM 02-22-2012
my kids are good so we don't have too much issues. But I'm mean when it comes to school. I always tell my kids "do you want to be stupid like your cousin" she's 16 and the dumbest girl I've ever met and since my kids see all the mistakes that she makes they know not to be like her. You did good, you could have shot her cell phone and then hung it up in her room lol!
Former Teacher 06:31 PM 02-22-2012
Originally Posted by daycare:
Now she is threatening me to run away or report me to CPS...yes, all because she can't have her phone.....
Sorry Daycare but I had to laugh.....Now she is threatening me to run away or report me to CPS...yes, all because she can't have her phone.....
When I was like 8 years old, my mother (single mother) spanked me for whatever I did and I was crying and yelling at her and I screamed at her...."I AM CALLING THE CHILD ABUSE HOTLINE ON YOU AND YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL!"
Well my mother....said "go ahead....then I will give you a REAL reason to call them!" Needless to say from the look on her face and the voice she used...I stopped immediately
Good memories!
Just remember....they DO grow up!
melskids 03:43 AM 02-23-2012
Originally Posted by Former Teacher:
Sorry Daycare but I had to laugh.....
When I was like 8 years old, my mother (single mother) spanked me for whatever I did and I was crying and yelling at her and I screamed at her...."I AM CALLING THE CHILD ABUSE HOTLINE ON YOU AND YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL!"
Well my mother....said "go ahead....then I will give you a REAL reason to call them!" Needless to say from the look on her face and the voice she used...I stopped immediately
Good memories!
Just remember....they DO grow up!
Sorry Daycare but I had to laugh.....
When I was like 8 years old, my mother (single mother) spanked me for whatever I did and I was crying and yelling at her and I screamed at her...."I AM CALLING THE CHILD ABUSE HOTLINE ON YOU AND YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL!"
Well my mother....said "go ahead....then I will give you a REAL reason to call them!" Needless to say from the look on her face and the voice she used...I stopped immediately
Good memories!
Just remember....they DO grow up!
This made me laugh! I was a HORRIBLE teenager.
My mom would say "forget CPS, you better call 911 first cause you're gonna need it!"
MN Mom 04:10 AM 02-23-2012
My 12 (going on 13) dd has lost all internet/computer and hanging out with friends until June for consistently NOT turning her work in on time. Previously we would take internet/computer away and TV away but that did not seem to be making much of a dent in regards to her problem of doing work on time. Now she has no TV, no internet, no phone (land line, she is not allowed to have a cell) and no friends until June. She's not happy. She told her father if she had known there would be no friends, she would have done her work.....
I just looked at her and said, "You have made your bed, now you will lie in it." then I walked away, leaving her think about it in her room.
While she has been pretty cold towards her father and I, she has not talked badly (to our faces).
You did the right thing! Good job mom!!!
I just looked at her and said, "You have made your bed, now you will lie in it." then I walked away, leaving her think about it in her room.
While she has been pretty cold towards her father and I, she has not talked badly (to our faces).
You did the right thing! Good job mom!!!
Sunchimes 04:41 AM 02-23-2012
Kids today are so lucky. The abuse hot line hadn't been invented when I was a kid, so I had nothing to threaten my parents with. 
Kaddidle Care 04:44 AM 02-23-2012
Well.. at least you didn't shoot her laptop!
She is suffering the consequences of her actions. Oh My! Oh the Horror!
Get over it kid. You want to call CPS? There's the door!
Gawww I love my boys! God didn't give me girls for a reason and this is it!
She is suffering the consequences of her actions. Oh My! Oh the Horror!
Get over it kid. You want to call CPS? There's the door!
Gawww I love my boys! God didn't give me girls for a reason and this is it!
jen2651 06:17 AM 02-23-2012
I was that girl. Why didn't I turn in work? Who knows...I'm sure I was too busy trying to figure out what boy was talking to what girl and who I was talking to and were they talking to someone else, oh my, all the drama!
I think you did exactly the right thing. One thing we all need to remember, as we have aged, all the drama and emotions from teenage years fade. But please remember, to her, it does feel like her life is ending. Not saying you should change your mind. My mom and I had lots and lots of fights. The ones I actually remember turning out positive were the ones in which we fought and then she came to me to help me come up with a solution to the issue. I am a completely unorganized person and I actually had to have a daily calendar in which I would write the due date for the stuff that was handed out. I highlighted it in yellow. Then, after I turned it in I highlighted it in orange.
I know it seems silly but my focus wasn't on school work, it was on my life at school. My guess is she is not turning in assignments because of a reason like that - or, there was one more question on it that wasn't done because she got 3/4 of it done in class, or she hadn't proofread it yet.
I agree with you on the punishment, and from experience as well, I know it is hard when the other parent undoes everything you have done. Just stick to your guns. See if you can find a time to talk with her, not at her (we are all great at that!). Find a plan that works for both of you to earn the phone back and prevent this from happening...charts, calendars etc. My parents let me know they would get off my back once I proved myself. Sure, we started over sometimes cause I screwed something else up....nothing says you were in trouble like a mother walking a 16 year old into school in her 'jammers' cause the daughter didn't check/change the oil in the car as promised...man, she was SO mean!
I think you did exactly the right thing. One thing we all need to remember, as we have aged, all the drama and emotions from teenage years fade. But please remember, to her, it does feel like her life is ending. Not saying you should change your mind. My mom and I had lots and lots of fights. The ones I actually remember turning out positive were the ones in which we fought and then she came to me to help me come up with a solution to the issue. I am a completely unorganized person and I actually had to have a daily calendar in which I would write the due date for the stuff that was handed out. I highlighted it in yellow. Then, after I turned it in I highlighted it in orange.
I know it seems silly but my focus wasn't on school work, it was on my life at school. My guess is she is not turning in assignments because of a reason like that - or, there was one more question on it that wasn't done because she got 3/4 of it done in class, or she hadn't proofread it yet.
I agree with you on the punishment, and from experience as well, I know it is hard when the other parent undoes everything you have done. Just stick to your guns. See if you can find a time to talk with her, not at her (we are all great at that!). Find a plan that works for both of you to earn the phone back and prevent this from happening...charts, calendars etc. My parents let me know they would get off my back once I proved myself. Sure, we started over sometimes cause I screwed something else up....nothing says you were in trouble like a mother walking a 16 year old into school in her 'jammers' cause the daughter didn't check/change the oil in the car as promised...man, she was SO mean!
LittleD 06:31 AM 02-23-2012
Daycare, some things I find with dealing with teen agers:
Do not lose your temper. Keeping an even, calm voice will help to keep them calm as well. When they start to get worked up and raising their voice, calmly and soothingly tell them to calm down. Cool heads listen better.
Write down all expectations and consequences, have them read and sign it and keep it posted. (this way they can't say ""You never told me that!"" Common theme in my house)
Good luck!
Do not lose your temper. Keeping an even, calm voice will help to keep them calm as well. When they start to get worked up and raising their voice, calmly and soothingly tell them to calm down. Cool heads listen better.
Write down all expectations and consequences, have them read and sign it and keep it posted. (this way they can't say ""You never told me that!"" Common theme in my house
)Good luck!
Fruitloops1 08:46 AM 02-23-2012
Originally Posted by daycare:
Am I going over the top here.. I only want advice on if I am going over the top or not.
My daughter has not been behaving. She is 13, almost 14 and knows better.
Well she has a lot of after school activities. 5 to be exact. She also has a cell phone which I have talked about before being an issue. My ex bought it for her and pays the bill.
Yesterday she got 3 failure notices. So I said no more after school activities and no more cell phone. Took them all away. Well this week it is 2nd winter break and the kids are out of school for the week.
I told my daughter that when she makes up the missed assignments that I will think about giving back her phone and letting her participate.
She has made up all of them, but I also found out that a lot of the ones that were missing, she just didn't turn them in??? (don't understand that)
In the process, she has been using her mouth very rude with unkind words towards me. A bunch of attitude.
So I said until I talk to the teachers next week and see that she is back on track with her schooling, no phone and no activities.
Now she is threatening me to run away or report me to CPS...yes, all because she can't have her phone.....
Please don't bash me. I am doing all I can with an ex that undoes everything I try to do.
All I want to know is am I being over the top? Or should I have punished her more?
My stepson did the SAME thing!!! He wouldnt do his assignments then when he got busted, he brought them home and did them THEN wouldnt turn it IN????? Am I going over the top here.. I only want advice on if I am going over the top or not.
My daughter has not been behaving. She is 13, almost 14 and knows better.
Well she has a lot of after school activities. 5 to be exact. She also has a cell phone which I have talked about before being an issue. My ex bought it for her and pays the bill.
Yesterday she got 3 failure notices. So I said no more after school activities and no more cell phone. Took them all away. Well this week it is 2nd winter break and the kids are out of school for the week.
I told my daughter that when she makes up the missed assignments that I will think about giving back her phone and letting her participate.
She has made up all of them, but I also found out that a lot of the ones that were missing, she just didn't turn them in??? (don't understand that)
In the process, she has been using her mouth very rude with unkind words towards me. A bunch of attitude.
So I said until I talk to the teachers next week and see that she is back on track with her schooling, no phone and no activities.
Now she is threatening me to run away or report me to CPS...yes, all because she can't have her phone.....
Please don't bash me. I am doing all I can with an ex that undoes everything I try to do.
All I want to know is am I being over the top? Or should I have punished her more?
What I ended up doing was making him fill out a daily planner. He filled in all assignments for each day then he would take it to his teacher and they would look it over and inital it. He would come home with it, i would look it over and inital it when it was complete and he would take it back and the teacher would initial it when it was turned in. a BIG pain in the... but after a WHOLE YEAR of this planner it worked.
You did mention in a later post that she is in honors classes, so she this must be a new thing....hmmm
Is she hanging out with anyone new? Did you ask her why she didnt do her assignments?
I agree with some other posts that it seems like a cry for attention. I know when I was 14 it was the same thing for me, I wanted the attention from my parents so I slacked off when I would always normally do well.
Have you guys had a mommy daughter date recently? Maybe is it a boy thing?
You're not being too harsh, my step-son calles me Hitler.
My stepson is 15 now and a sophmore, but when he started HS I would remind him how important it is to do good now for college. That all 4 years is SUPER important to prepare him for when he goes to college and he doesnt want to have to pay $ for below college level courses.
wdmmom 08:55 AM 02-23-2012
Been there, done that.
My oldest is almost 16, my second oldest just turned 12 and the two of their mouths are like tornado meet hurricane.
Kids today are just like the younger parents we've all encountered...expectant and entitled. Sad but true.
My kids have threatened to turn me in as well. I've gone as far as offering them the phone number. They know that their blackmail won't work well with me and it's going to buy them more trouble than they ever thought possible.
None of my 5 children have a cell phone...for this exact reason! They feel like it is an appendage to their body and they NEED it to survive when we all know that's not true. We all grew up without cell phones and we came out just fine. (Well, most of us anyway!)
I'd tell the dear ol' ex that the phone is going to be returned because she can't seem to communicate with you in a manner that is appropriate so you don't feel she needs to communicate with anyone else until such time YOU deem her worthy of having it back.
And, personally, I think 5 activities is far too much EXTRA for a kid at any age. Clearly she is having a tough time doing assignments, turning them in, etc so therefore, her daily schedule needs to be trimmed up to offer her the time she clearly needs. (Another prime example why none of my kids are in extra activities.) They are tutored twice a week. That's all the extra they get.
My oldest is almost 16, my second oldest just turned 12 and the two of their mouths are like tornado meet hurricane.
Kids today are just like the younger parents we've all encountered...expectant and entitled. Sad but true.
My kids have threatened to turn me in as well. I've gone as far as offering them the phone number. They know that their blackmail won't work well with me and it's going to buy them more trouble than they ever thought possible.
None of my 5 children have a cell phone...for this exact reason! They feel like it is an appendage to their body and they NEED it to survive when we all know that's not true. We all grew up without cell phones and we came out just fine. (Well, most of us anyway!
)I'd tell the dear ol' ex that the phone is going to be returned because she can't seem to communicate with you in a manner that is appropriate so you don't feel she needs to communicate with anyone else until such time YOU deem her worthy of having it back.
And, personally, I think 5 activities is far too much EXTRA for a kid at any age. Clearly she is having a tough time doing assignments, turning them in, etc so therefore, her daily schedule needs to be trimmed up to offer her the time she clearly needs. (Another prime example why none of my kids are in extra activities.) They are tutored twice a week. That's all the extra they get.
Solandia 09:29 AM 02-23-2012
I have a13yo girl with a sassy mouth without end.
She is a straight A perfect student, in a bunch of extra stuff, too. The phone is a privilege and a convenience to ME. Not for dd...it is for me. If she was inappropriate with the phone, then I would get rid of the phone. It is a prepaid piece of junk, so there isn't much to be inappropriate or get crazy with, lol.
There is no tv/computer/Wii until schoolwork is completed. So (ahem, the other weekend) if you forget homework at school on a Friday of a 3 day weekend, you get NO screen time for the whole weekend. It isn't a complete "grounding", because she isn't cut off from her friends, gets to participate in already planned activities, go to the zoo with the family, etc.
However, dd cannot accept that it was her own actions that caused this consequence and gets on a bender of how I was ruining her fun, how I just dont understand, how she shouldn't be punished for being forgetful...on&on...what a nag! Then, when she found out badgering wasn't working, then full on screaming, accusations, calling me meanest mom on the Earth, saying how stupid I was to do this, slamming doors, kicking stuff....yeah, she is something else...So every incident is logged on paper, and tallied at the end of the tirade, and her Ipod touch and phone (she uses both for texting) is "in jail" for that many days. These items can earn an "early release" by doing extra chores. She will easily rack up 20 days worth of ipod jail in an evening.
If I have to listen to this teenage bull poopy, at a minimum I will get my house cleaned, and lawn mowed! IF all chores at my house are up to date, she gets sent over to my sisters.
A true "grounding", stuck in her room, etc....I save for super serious stuff...backtalk, while completely disrespectful, isn't all that serious in the whole scheme of things. Very occasionally she will get a bullyish on her sister, start being demeaning and flat out evil...then she gets stuck at home (grounded) while the rest of us do something fun.
The CPS comment...I have heard the "i hate living here" We are foster parents, so go ahead...call CPS. Dd won't go that far because she knows it is a pathetic power play, and if she makes up accusations, we would likely lose her little foster brother.
She is a straight A perfect student, in a bunch of extra stuff, too. The phone is a privilege and a convenience to ME. Not for dd...it is for me. If she was inappropriate with the phone, then I would get rid of the phone. It is a prepaid piece of junk, so there isn't much to be inappropriate or get crazy with, lol.
There is no tv/computer/Wii until schoolwork is completed. So (ahem, the other weekend) if you forget homework at school on a Friday of a 3 day weekend, you get NO screen time for the whole weekend. It isn't a complete "grounding", because she isn't cut off from her friends, gets to participate in already planned activities, go to the zoo with the family, etc.
However, dd cannot accept that it was her own actions that caused this consequence and gets on a bender of how I was ruining her fun, how I just dont understand, how she shouldn't be punished for being forgetful...on&on...what a nag! Then, when she found out badgering wasn't working, then full on screaming, accusations, calling me meanest mom on the Earth, saying how stupid I was to do this, slamming doors, kicking stuff....yeah, she is something else...So every incident is logged on paper, and tallied at the end of the tirade, and her Ipod touch and phone (she uses both for texting) is "in jail" for that many days. These items can earn an "early release" by doing extra chores. She will easily rack up 20 days worth of ipod jail in an evening.
If I have to listen to this teenage bull poopy, at a minimum I will get my house cleaned, and lawn mowed! IF all chores at my house are up to date, she gets sent over to my sisters.
A true "grounding", stuck in her room, etc....I save for super serious stuff...backtalk, while completely disrespectful, isn't all that serious in the whole scheme of things. Very occasionally she will get a bullyish on her sister, start being demeaning and flat out evil...then she gets stuck at home (grounded) while the rest of us do something fun.
The CPS comment...I have heard the "i hate living here" We are foster parents, so go ahead...call CPS. Dd won't go that far because she knows it is a pathetic power play, and if she makes up accusations, we would likely lose her little foster brother.
renodeb 09:40 AM 02-23-2012
Your most certainly not over the top. If the phone and activities are important to her then they make great currency. Having a phone should be a privledge at her age, not a must. Does she live with you most of the time? I thin the threats are just a reaction to getting in trouble. Good for you for taking a stand with her behaviour. If further action is needed then you can come up with something else. It sounds like your on the right track with her so far. Does she have a tv? You could always use that as well.
Hang in there!
Debbie
Hang in there!
Debbie
daycare 09:54 AM 02-23-2012
thanks everyone for your response and sharing your stories too.
I know that I am not alone in this. UGH Teens, it's like the terrible Twos all over again.
When children are two you have to have eyes and ears on them at all times. They try to cross boundaries, explore everything, even those things they know they are not supposed to and they need your attention at all times....
Looks like the cycle of life is starting all over again.....lol
I know that I am not alone in this. UGH Teens, it's like the terrible Twos all over again.
When children are two you have to have eyes and ears on them at all times. They try to cross boundaries, explore everything, even those things they know they are not supposed to and they need your attention at all times....
Looks like the cycle of life is starting all over again.....lol
permanentvacation 10:03 AM 02-23-2012
At least you have control over the cell phone. My ex bought and pays for my daughter's cell also. BUT I have no control over it. He went off on me for trying to take her phone from her because he bought it and pays for it so in his opinion, I have no right to touch it! UMMMMM?!?!??! She lives with ME! She only sees him for a few minutes every couple of weeks when she walks to his job to ask for spending money! How dare he say I am not to touch anything of hers to take it away from her! But to not fight with him, I don't bother taking the phone away. I just call the police on her - yep - call the police on my own daughter when she gets too out of hand!!! I've only had to actually do that twice - when she wouldn't get out of bed to go to school. And threatened to call them - which I would have - if she ran away like she has threatened to do.
I used to call my ex to help me with her - which I couldn't believe I was doing because he's very abusive -verbally and physically, and has NEVER helped raise the kids, but when my daughter got really out of hand, I didn't know who else to call. He 'helped' me with her 3 times. After the 3rd time, I vowed NEVER to call him to help me with her again! One time, he was talking to her and she said something snippy under her breath at him - like she does me all the time- and he yanked her out of her chair, she hit him, he put her on the floor, she hit and kicked, he hit her a time or two, she got up, ran out the door and walk/ran around the neighborhood with him chasing after her the whole time her yelling and cussing at her. So, basically, he did no good! She finally came home, went inside. He came to the doorway and fussed to me about her then drove off. The 2nd and 3rd times, during his speech to her about why she needs to go to get up to go to school, he informed her that if she didn't get a good education, she'd be nothing but "a street walking w......." - then said what she, in that profession would be doing as part of her job - "to make money!" OMG!!! I couldn't believe he said that to my 13 year old daughter!!!! - TWO DIFFERENT TIMES!!!! So I vowed NEVER to call him to help with her again. So I just started calling the police after that.
So, to you, my opinion is that you are not overreacting. You are doing what my mother would have done. And like another poster said, it's called grounding her - or restricting her from her fun activities. It used to be very common and a very good way of punishing your children when they misbehave. However, nowadays, most kids simply walk out the door as soon as the parents say they are grounded. And most kids refuse to hand over their phone to their parents when the parents try to take them away from them. So, if your child actually obeys you and allows you to ground them and actually gives you their phone to take away from them, you are doing better than most parents.
As far as your child calling Protective Services on you, tell her to go ahead! You, I am assuming are doing nothing wrong that would cause you concern if they checked on you, right? So, call her bluff and tell her to go ahead and call them - you might also - just to tick her off more- hand her the phone number yourself! You might also let her know that if she does run away, that's fine, you'll just call the police and report her as a runaway. After calling the police on my daughter for not going to school, a while later when she threatened to run away, I told her that if she left the house for more then 10 minutes, I was going to call the police and report her as a runaway. She walked out the door, walked around my neighborhood - for about 5 minutes, then came home and apologized. She doesn't seem to like me calling the police on her!
I used to call my ex to help me with her - which I couldn't believe I was doing because he's very abusive -verbally and physically, and has NEVER helped raise the kids, but when my daughter got really out of hand, I didn't know who else to call. He 'helped' me with her 3 times. After the 3rd time, I vowed NEVER to call him to help me with her again! One time, he was talking to her and she said something snippy under her breath at him - like she does me all the time- and he yanked her out of her chair, she hit him, he put her on the floor, she hit and kicked, he hit her a time or two, she got up, ran out the door and walk/ran around the neighborhood with him chasing after her the whole time her yelling and cussing at her. So, basically, he did no good! She finally came home, went inside. He came to the doorway and fussed to me about her then drove off. The 2nd and 3rd times, during his speech to her about why she needs to go to get up to go to school, he informed her that if she didn't get a good education, she'd be nothing but "a street walking w......." - then said what she, in that profession would be doing as part of her job - "to make money!" OMG!!! I couldn't believe he said that to my 13 year old daughter!!!! - TWO DIFFERENT TIMES!!!! So I vowed NEVER to call him to help with her again. So I just started calling the police after that.
So, to you, my opinion is that you are not overreacting. You are doing what my mother would have done. And like another poster said, it's called grounding her - or restricting her from her fun activities. It used to be very common and a very good way of punishing your children when they misbehave. However, nowadays, most kids simply walk out the door as soon as the parents say they are grounded. And most kids refuse to hand over their phone to their parents when the parents try to take them away from them. So, if your child actually obeys you and allows you to ground them and actually gives you their phone to take away from them, you are doing better than most parents.
As far as your child calling Protective Services on you, tell her to go ahead! You, I am assuming are doing nothing wrong that would cause you concern if they checked on you, right? So, call her bluff and tell her to go ahead and call them - you might also - just to tick her off more- hand her the phone number yourself! You might also let her know that if she does run away, that's fine, you'll just call the police and report her as a runaway. After calling the police on my daughter for not going to school, a while later when she threatened to run away, I told her that if she left the house for more then 10 minutes, I was going to call the police and report her as a runaway. She walked out the door, walked around my neighborhood - for about 5 minutes, then came home and apologized. She doesn't seem to like me calling the police on her!
grandmom 03:08 PM 02-23-2012
[quote=MyAngels;200019]Ahh, this brings me back to the day when my dd ended up with nothing but her bed in her room - and was lucky to have that . We even took the door off the hinges. I'm pretty sure that's when she figured out we were actually serious. QUOTE]
hahahahahaha
I had people stop me in town and ask: Did you really do that? Word got out, and the parents thought I was spot on but they didn't have the courage to do this to their kid.
And as for not turning in work. It's the same as not doing it. In the real world, a great author doesn't get paid unless the book is turned in to the publisher. The wedding dress maker doesn't get paid unless it's finished before the wedding. You get the idea.
In my world, you were lenient. Let her read some of these responses, she'll be glad she has you for her mother.
. We even took the door off the hinges. I'm pretty sure that's when she figured out we were actually serious. QUOTE]hahahahahaha
I had people stop me in town and ask: Did you really do that? Word got out, and the parents thought I was spot on but they didn't have the courage to do this to their kid.
And as for not turning in work. It's the same as not doing it. In the real world, a great author doesn't get paid unless the book is turned in to the publisher. The wedding dress maker doesn't get paid unless it's finished before the wedding. You get the idea.
In my world, you were lenient. Let her read some of these responses, she'll be glad she has you for her mother.
daycare 03:14 PM 02-23-2012
[quote=grandmom;200434]
He really is a great guy, he and I just don't see eye to eye on punishment and discipline.
Originally Posted by MyAngels:
Ahh, this brings me back to the day when my dd ended up with nothing but her bed in her room - and was lucky to have that. We even took the door off the hinges. I'm pretty sure that's when she figured out we were actually serious. QUOTE]
hahahahahaha
I had people stop me in town and ask: Did you really do that? Word got out, and the parents thought I was spot on but they didn't have the courage to do this to their kid.
And as for not turning in work. It's the same as not doing it. In the real world, a great author doesn't get paid unless the book is turned in to the publisher. The wedding dress maker doesn't get paid unless it's finished before the wedding. You get the idea.
In my world, you were lenient. Let her read some of these responses, she'll be glad she has you for her mother.
lol I did make her read this...then I felt a little bad, because I did not realize that a few of them she should not have read. Like where I agreed with someone who called her dad a disneyland dad...Ahh, this brings me back to the day when my dd ended up with nothing but her bed in her room - and was lucky to have that
. We even took the door off the hinges. I'm pretty sure that's when she figured out we were actually serious. QUOTE]hahahahahaha
I had people stop me in town and ask: Did you really do that? Word got out, and the parents thought I was spot on but they didn't have the courage to do this to their kid.
And as for not turning in work. It's the same as not doing it. In the real world, a great author doesn't get paid unless the book is turned in to the publisher. The wedding dress maker doesn't get paid unless it's finished before the wedding. You get the idea.
In my world, you were lenient. Let her read some of these responses, she'll be glad she has you for her mother.
He really is a great guy, he and I just don't see eye to eye on punishment and discipline.
sharlan 03:27 PM 02-23-2012
He might be the greatest man on earth, but he is a Disneyland dad. He comes in for the fun and games and leaves for the reality and discipline.
As long as she is under 18 and lives in your home, she has to abide by rules set by you and your husband.
As long as she is under 18 and lives in your home, she has to abide by rules set by you and your husband.
daycare 03:33 PM 02-23-2012
Oh no I agree with you, but I didnt intend for my daughter to read that and she did , so I feel horrible about that.
He has it really good if you ask me. I even give him a place to stay sometimes...lol ugh Please don't cyber smack me
He has it really good if you ask me. I even give him a place to stay sometimes...lol ugh Please don't cyber smack me
sharlan 03:40 PM 02-23-2012
I guarantee that she knows that her dad is the fun and games while you are stuck with the day to day raising.
You've been having some issues with her since Sept. You need to set down and have another talk to talk with your husband and her father. The 3 of you need to get on the same page and work together. Your daughter is not headed in the right direction right now and the 3 of you need to adjust her attitude. You can't keep being the bad guy. Before long she will have lost all respect for you and you won't be able to control her.
You've been having some issues with her since Sept. You need to set down and have another talk to talk with your husband and her father. The 3 of you need to get on the same page and work together. Your daughter is not headed in the right direction right now and the 3 of you need to adjust her attitude. You can't keep being the bad guy. Before long she will have lost all respect for you and you won't be able to control her.
daycare 03:43 PM 02-23-2012
Originally Posted by sharlan:
I guarantee that she knows that her dad is the fun and games while you are stuck with the day to day raising.
You've been having some issues with her since Sept. You need to set down and have another talk to talk with your husband and her father. The 3 of you need to get on the same page and work together. Your daughter is not headed in the right direction right now and the 3 of you need to adjust her attitude. You can't keep being the bad guy. Before long she will have lost all respect for you and you won't be able to control her.
You must be a fly on the wall in my home....this is the plan for when disneyland dad comes home on sunday.I guarantee that she knows that her dad is the fun and games while you are stuck with the day to day raising.
You've been having some issues with her since Sept. You need to set down and have another talk to talk with your husband and her father. The 3 of you need to get on the same page and work together. Your daughter is not headed in the right direction right now and the 3 of you need to adjust her attitude. You can't keep being the bad guy. Before long she will have lost all respect for you and you won't be able to control her.
My husband has a way with words and is very good at things like this. I am so lucky to have him help when things are hard like this.
AND you are right, if I don't get support now, shes gonna be out of control. Which at that point, she will be going to an all girls convent school in Ireland or Doha...
sharlan 04:01 PM 02-23-2012
Easier and much cheaper to get her under control now than to send her to boarding school where she'll really learn how to get away with things.
daycare 04:09 PM 02-23-2012
Originally Posted by sharlan:
Easier and much cheaper to get her under control now than to send her to boarding school where she'll really learn how to get away with things.
not in Doha or Ireland.... she will get beat there.....ugh...but I agree I will do everything in my power to stop her behavior now as opposed to letting it go on...Easier and much cheaper to get her under control now than to send her to boarding school where she'll really learn how to get away with things.
daycare 04:14 PM 02-23-2012
Oh and please don't take that the wrong way. Her getting beat. Schools are not the same as here by any means. My daughter could never and would never be able to act the way that she is now here over there... Flat out would not work....