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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Child Care, Older Kids And Sleepovers - Am I Alone?
AfterSchoolMom 02:51 PM 03-16-2012
Do those of you who are full time providers allow your kids to have friends come and sleep over on the weekends?

I worked all day, then watched a friend's children for a couple of hours as a favor (they were here an hour after I'm usually finished), and now my oldest wants to have a friend come over and spend the night. I am 4 mos. pregnant and completely exhausted, and all day long I have been looking forward to going to bed early and sleeping in late, neither of which I'll get to do if the sleepover happens.

Is it selfish of me to want to say no? It may just be hormones talking ( ), but I'm with children all day, every day, and I have ZERO desire to spend time with "extra" children when I'm not working. Am I alone there?
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momma2girls 02:53 PM 03-16-2012
Originally Posted by AfterSchoolMom:
Do those of you who are full time providers allow your kids to have friends come and sleep over on the weekends?

I worked all day, then watched a friend's children for a couple of hours as a favor (they were here an hour after I'm usually finished), and now my oldest wants to have a friend come over and spend the night. I am 4 mos. pregnant and completely exhausted, and all day long I have been looking forward to going to bed early and sleeping in late, neither of which I'll get to do if the sleepover happens.

Is it selfish of me to want to say no? It may just be hormones talking ( ), but I'm with children all day, every day, and I have ZERO desire to spend time with "extra" children when I'm not working. Am I alone there?
I feel pretty much the same way. My 10 yr. old does have sleep overs, but not very often, and she has to earn them. I think the majority of the reasoning behind it, I do daycare for 9 1/2 hrs. a day x 5 days per week- on the weekends, I like to relax, and not have more children here, than my own!!
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AfterSchoolMom 03:01 PM 03-16-2012
Originally Posted by momma2girls:
I feel pretty much the same way. My 10 yr. old does have sleep overs, but not very often, and she has to earn them. I think the majority of the reasoning behind it, I do daycare for 9 1/2 hrs. a day x 5 days per week- on the weekends, I like to relax, and not have more children here, than my own!!
Yes! I had kids here for ten hours today. I'm not in the mood to be responsible for someone else's child for the whole rest of the night and part of the day tomorrow, too. Ugh.
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momma2girls 03:03 PM 03-16-2012
Originally Posted by AfterSchoolMom:
Yes! I had kids here for ten hours today. I'm not in the mood to be responsible for someone else's child for the whole rest of the night and part of the day tomorrow, too. Ugh.
I hear ya sister!!!
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AmyLeigh 03:15 PM 03-16-2012
Oh I know what you mean. My 8 yo has been wanting her bff come for a sleepover almost every weekend for a couple of months now. She's the older sister to one of my dcb's, and I know he will want to come too. I love both of the kids, but there are some weekends I don't even want my kiddos here!
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sharlan 03:22 PM 03-16-2012
IMHO, one has nothing to do with the other.

If you're not up to having a sleepover because your exhausted, that's one thing. But to deny your daughter a sleepover because of what you do for a living is wrong. Your children didn't ask for you to become a daycare provider, yet they reap the consequences (kids in the house all day long and what that comes with).
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cheerfuldom 03:29 PM 03-16-2012
Originally Posted by sharlan:
IMHO, one has nothing to do with the other.

If you're not up to having a sleepover because your exhausted, that's one thing. But to deny your daughter a sleepover because of what you do for a living is wrong. Your children didn't ask for you to become a daycare provider, yet they reap the consequences (kids in the house all day long and what that comes with).
Dont be too hard on her. There are plenty of exhausted parents out there from all occupations who are just not up to sleepovers on the weekend. Plus she is pregnant....give her a break!

There are always going to be "cons" in any profession....even in SAHMs....so if no sleepovers for awhile is the biggest issue with this kid then I would say, they got it pretty good. Maybe a short time would be a good compromise? have a friend come over for a movie and then leave at a decent hour?
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AfterSchoolMom 03:31 PM 03-16-2012
Yes they do, and they also enjoy the benefits of what I do for a living - the fact that I'm here for them every day when they come home from school, and the fact that we can afford to take them to do fun things because of my added income - which we do, a lot. It's not my OWN children I object to.
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saved4always 03:33 PM 03-16-2012
My daughter is 10 yo and I will usually let her have a sleepover with a friend on the weekend when she asks if we have nothing going on that it would interfere with. I try not to make decisions with my own kids based on what I am doing all day. I just would feel bad telling her that she could not have a friend over because I worked with other people's kids all day. And usually, it is easier for me if she does have a friend over. It is better than her coming to me saying she is bored all weekend. They are pretty self-sufficient at their age so I don't really have to be involved except to enforce bedtime. Her brothers are 17 and 19 years old so she has no one to play with if she doesn't have a friend.
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jen 03:44 PM 03-16-2012
This is just my experience, please take it for what its worth.

My kids friends are ALWAYS welcome in our home. The older kids know where the pop and the chips are, and they know that there is always pizza or burgers in the freezer.

The younger kids take a little more effort on my part, but again they are welcome. I WANT to be the house where every kid goes to handg out. Why subject myself???

Because I know every one of my kids friends. I know what they are doing and where they are going because they are here.

My oldest is a Sr. in High School. This year for Valentines I got a handwritten note from "my boys"--the 5 or 6 basketball players who have been eating me out of house and home since Kindergarden--thanking me for being such a big part of their lives and thanking me for always "being there" for them. They even left me a carnation .

I understand how much effort it is, but its worth every second.
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sharlan 03:44 PM 03-16-2012
Originally Posted by cheerfuldom:
Dont be too hard on her. There are plenty of exhausted parents out there from all occupations who are just not up to sleepovers on the weekend. Plus she is pregnant....give her a break!

There are always going to be "cons" in any profession....even in SAHMs....so if no sleepovers for awhile is the biggest issue with this kid then I would say, they got it pretty good. Maybe a short time would be a good compromise? have a friend come over for a movie and then leave at a decent hour?
I agree. I'm just saying don't use the "daycare" as an excuse.
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sharlan 03:46 PM 03-16-2012
Originally Posted by saved4always:
My daughter is 10 yo and I will usually let her have a sleepover with a friend on the weekend when she asks if we have nothing going on that it would interfere with. I try not to make decisions with my own kids based on what I am doing all day. I just would feel bad telling her that she could not have a friend over because I worked with other people's kids all day. And usually, it is easier for me if she does have a friend over. It is better than her coming to me saying she is bored all weekend. They are pretty self-sufficient at their age so I don't really have to be involved except to enforce bedtime. Her brothers are 17 and 19 years old so she has no one to play with if she doesn't have a friend.
This is what I was saying.
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saved4always 03:47 PM 03-16-2012
Originally Posted by jen:
This is just my experience, please take it for what its worth.

My kids friends are ALWAYS welcome in our home. The older kids know where the pop and the chips are, and they know that there is always pizza or burgers in the freezer.

The younger kids take a little more effort on my part, but again they are welcome. I WANT to be the house where every kid goes to handg out. Why subject myself???

Because I know every one of my kids friends. I know what they are doing and where they are going because they are here.

My oldest is a Sr. in High School. This year for Valentines I got a handwritten note from "my boys"--the 5 or 6 basketball players who have been eating me out of house and home since Kindergarden--thanking me for being such a big part of their lives and thanking me for always "being there" for them. They even left me a carnation .

I understand how much effort it is, but its worth every second.
That is so sweet! I totally agree with you that I want to be the house where my kids and their friends hang out. That way, I know who they are with and what they are doing.
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AfterSchoolMom 03:58 PM 03-16-2012
Originally Posted by jen:
This is just my experience, please take it for what its worth.

My kids friends are ALWAYS welcome in our home. The older kids know where the pop and the chips are, and they know that there is always pizza or burgers in the freezer.

The younger kids take a little more effort on my part, but again they are welcome. I WANT to be the house where every kid goes to handg out. Why subject myself???

Because I know every one of my kids friends. I know what they are doing and where they are going because they are here.

My oldest is a Sr. in High School. This year for Valentines I got a handwritten note from "my boys"--the 5 or 6 basketball players who have been eating me out of house and home since Kindergarden--thanking me for being such a big part of their lives and thanking me for always "being there" for them. They even left me a carnation .

I understand how much effort it is, but its worth every second.
That's a good point, and I didn't think of it that way, but you're absolutely right.

I had already told the child that he could come stay when I posted this, so don't think I'm trying to be a big meanie. I just wondered if I was alone in my feelings.
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jen 04:02 PM 03-16-2012
Originally Posted by AfterSchoolMom:
That's a good point, and I didn't think of it that way, but you're absolutely right.

I had already told the child that he could come stay when I posted this, so don't think I'm trying to be a big meanie. I just wondered if I was alone in my feelings.
Nope, not alone. We have ALL had those feelings...and it is really tough when your pregnant. Try to have something simple that they can do on their own...make bracelets or watch a movie...easy snacks. Then feel free to put your feet up and relax. Hopefully they will entertain themselves and your night will be an easy one!

I definitely didn't think you were a big meanie!
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saved4always 04:05 PM 03-16-2012
Originally Posted by AfterSchoolMom:
That's a good point, and I didn't think of it that way, but you're absolutely right.

I had already told the child that he could come stay when I posted this, so don't think I'm trying to be a big meanie. I just wondered if I was alone in my feelings.
I probably felt more like you when I was pregnant (feels like that was eons ago ). Being the mother of older kids, I just look at a lot of things from a different place in life, ykwim? And, being pregnant makes everything so much harder...you are definitely not a meanie for needing to rest...I agree with Jen...make it as easy on yourself as possible and hopefully they will be so busy together, you won't need to do much of anything.
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momma2girls 04:11 PM 03-16-2012
I am not saying that my child suffers because of daycare by any means either!! She has sleepovers here and other houses. I am just saying not every weekend!! She definately does not suffer at all!!!
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dave4him 05:22 PM 03-16-2012
im not a big fan of sleep overs, had one a few weeks ago and apprently i was put in charge of keeping them entertained and happy... guess im a butler now too
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countrymom 07:06 PM 03-16-2012
we don't do sleepovers here, but just because I have a daycare doesn't mean I want to entertain all night too. Do you think those who work outside the house want to entertain children all night too, nope they don't, heck some don't even want to deal with their own children. My kids go to guide and scout camps and thats as far as we let it get. Also, we have activities on the weekends. Has it ever affected them because I don't allow sleepovers, nope none whatsoever. My house is the house that everyone wants to hang out, I just don't allow anyone one to sleep here.
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Michelle 08:18 PM 03-16-2012
I do sleepovers , in fact I have teenage girls and I am the "cool mom" that takes them toilet papering!
I think it's a totally different thing when your kids friends come to spend the night You don't have the rules of licensing over your head and you can run around and be a crazy kid with them, make tents, pop popcorn and not worry if someone see's the mess.
I know, I get tired too..I am anemic but I do it for my kids because they grow up so fast.
Sleepovers are when all the crazy and zany stories come from. When your kids are older, they will always remember how much fun they had.
When my sons where at Bible study.. my girls and their friends actually toilet papered the boys bedroom and filled it with ballons
Who can forget "truth or dare?" freezing friends socks? crank calling?

We have a lot of fun and these things help me get through the week.
I do know what you mean about extra kids or noise etc. I just think it's a different kind of noise where you can let your hair down and have fun with your kids.
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AnneCordelia 07:31 AM 03-17-2012
Originally Posted by countrymom:
we don't do sleepovers here, but just because I have a daycare doesn't mean I want to entertain all night too. Do you think those who work outside the house want to entertain children all night too, nope they don't, heck some don't even want to deal with their own children. My kids go to guide and scout camps and thats as far as we let it get. Also, we have activities on the weekends. Has it ever affected them because I don't allow sleepovers, nope none whatsoever. My house is the house that everyone wants to hang out, I just don't allow anyone one to sleep here.
I agree.

Also I see nothing wrong with feeling unwilling to deal with other peoples children overnight because of what I do. I see nothing wrong with it. I do need a break from other peoples children and it enables me to be a better provider and mother.

Daycare is my only work option at this point while my children are young. I would hope that they will see that what I do pays for their home, clothing, food and extracurriculars and be grateful. I need a break from other peoples kids and I am not ashamed to admit that and I do not think it is wrong to feel that way.
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AfterSchoolMom 07:47 AM 03-17-2012
Yes. My DH has a computer related job, and he gets really tired of friends and family asking him to fix or troubleshoot their computers. My mother used to drive a schoolbus all day, and she was never thrilled when I wanted her to drive me somewhere after school. I used to work in a "soda shoppe", and it was my job to cook breakfast and lunch every day. I still hate to cook to this very day. I don't see the difference.
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Meyou 09:06 AM 03-17-2012
Originally Posted by jen:
This is just my experience, please take it for what its worth.

My kids friends are ALWAYS welcome in our home. The older kids know where the pop and the chips are, and they know that there is always pizza or burgers in the freezer.

The younger kids take a little more effort on my part, but again they are welcome. I WANT to be the house where every kid goes to handg out. Why subject myself???

Because I know every one of my kids friends. I know what they are doing and where they are going because they are here.

My oldest is a Sr. in High School. This year for Valentines I got a handwritten note from "my boys"--the 5 or 6 basketball players who have been eating me out of house and home since Kindergarden--thanking me for being such a big part of their lives and thanking me for always "being there" for them. They even left me a carnation .

I understand how much effort it is, but its worth every second.
I totally agree. We have a revolving door here and although it's loud and sometimes crazy (there were 7 kids here last Tuesday night) I know all my kids friends and they like being here. I just keep lots of snacks, board games and movies around and ban them from my bedroom so there is a haven.
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cheerfuldom 09:57 AM 03-17-2012
I love how some of the moms here are very into knowing their kids friends and hosting things like sleepovers. That is something your kids will never forget. All I ask though is that we all have some compassion for the OP and for the fact that not every parent has the same parenting style. Just because she does not have sleepovers for now does not mean that she is not creating memories, getting to know her kids and their friends, etc. Parents can find ways to do that outside of sleepovers. I am only posting this because I know how hard it is to have a houseful of kids and then people make you feel bad when you say no to babysitting on the weekend, friends coming over, working in the childrens nursery or ministries.....just from my point of view, I am very exhausted of other peoples kids and just want to be around my own family on the weekend. I know sometimes other people make me feel bad about that and I hope that we dont accidentally do that to the OP.
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BigMama 12:48 PM 03-17-2012
Originally Posted by cheerfuldom:
I love how some of the moms here are very into knowing their kids friends and hosting things like sleepovers. That is something your kids will never forget. All I ask though is that we all have some compassion for the OP and for the fact that not every parent has the same parenting style. Just because she does not have sleepovers for now does not mean that she is not creating memories, getting to know her kids and their friends, etc. Parents can find ways to do that outside of sleepovers. I am only posting this because I know how hard it is to have a houseful of kids and then people make you feel bad when you say no to babysitting on the weekend, friends coming over, working in the childrens nursery or ministries.....just from my point of view, I am very exhausted of other peoples kids and just want to be around my own family on the weekend. I know sometimes other people make me feel bad about that and I hope that we dont accidentally do that to the OP.
I this response.
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nannyde 01:38 PM 03-17-2012
This is such a hard one for me too.

I've had a pretty rough time with the neighborhood kids since my son was old enough to play out front. I've had this deal where everyone wants their kids to be at my house but none of them want my kid at their house. In my neighborhood NONE of the parents allow any kids in their house. They all want their kids at someone else's house. I thought it was just that my kid was too annoying to have at their house but after dealing with it for five years and getting to know the parents and the neighborhood kids I know that they have the same rules for every kid. They all have the rule that they don't allow kids on their property or in their home but they are completely okay with their kid being at someone else's house and on their property.

We live right next to a park so that is the default place for all the kids to go. It can get pretty rough there because none of the parents are supervising and all of the parents want their kids outside and away from their house. There's a lot of fighting and problems with the unsupervised school aged kids especially when there is a long weekend or a school break like spring break. The kids get along for a few days but then they start fighting. They have been off of school since Wednesday afternoon so by tomorrow they will be fist fighting.

All of the kids my sons age are video gamers. They don't play sports even though the park has a baseball diamond, tennis court, basketball court and a four acre field. I've gone to the big expense of providing EVERYTHING for a huge group of kids to play sports. I've bought footballs, many basketballs, four tennis raquets, tubes of tennis balls, soccer balls, bats, and gloves. I have EVERYTHING they need to play sports and all of it sits in my garage year after year because these kids will not play together. I even have five bikes because most of the kids don't have working bikes. We live really close to a bike trail that weaves thru Des Moines and goes to a lake in Pleasant Hill. I also have many fishing rods, fishing gear, and pay for bait so they can go fishing. They will do that now and then but they loose interest in it after a day or two.

Dispite having everything they could have to play.... having stuff I never had access to as a child... these kids will not play together. They aren't interested in anything that doesn't have lights and sounds, shoots, or is dangerous. They are a product of a lifestyle where kids play is screen play but they all have parents who don't want them inside the house. They definitely don't want other people's kids in their house.

At my house there is a ton of space and I have huge toy collections that are kept organized and kept in good condition. I do child care and have for over ten years in this neighborhood so all the parents know I'm safe and I have an excellent set up for their kids to be happy here for many hours. They know I supervise the kids when they are inside my house. I also provide wonderful meals and snacks. I feed the kids when they are here and I WATCH them. Because I have such huge collections of expensive organized toys, including every kind of video gaming system you could want, the kids want to be here. They don't have a zillion dollars of legos, tranformers, playmobil, etc. in their homes. They don't have anyone keeping their belongings nice and the pieces to their games and toys together.

So for the last five/six years I've had this deal where my son wants kids here, the kids want to be here, and their parents REALLY want them to be here. They want them to be here every day after school, every weekend, and every school break. They want them to be here for hour upon hour without ever checking on them. I've had situations where they have sent their kid over here and they have taken off and locked their kid out of the house. I've had a few times when the weather was very bad and once they know their kid is at my house they just don't answer their phones. When their kid goes home they are locked out and end up back over at my house. I can't refuse a kid who has nowhere to go and the parents are fully aware that I won't When the parent finally shows up they simply say the house was unlocked and that their phone wasn't working. I can't tell you how many times I have heard that from different parents over the last few years.

None of the parents want my kid at their house. None of them are willing to take turns with having the kids go back and forth between houses. I know this for certain because I've asked each and every one of these kids if they ever play inside the other kids houses. They all tell me they do not and their parents don't allow any kids in their house or in their yard.

The precious FEW times my son has been allowed inside their house or even in their back yards the kids end up fighting because there is nothing BUT video games to do at the other kids houses. My son is terrible at video games and just wants to play at their house but they don't have real toys and what they do have is broken and missing pieces. The very few times he has been indoors he tells me they watched a movie or he watched the kid play video games.

I've been feeding these kids for years too. There are SO many times when they come over at noon and haven't had breakfast and never leave to go eat lunch. During school breaks I end up feeding breakfast, lunch, and supper to three or four of them because the parents are used to them eating for free at school and don't bother to call them home to eat a family supper. I've had kids over here until eight at night and not had a single parent call to ask them to come home. Once they are here the parents know I will feed them and they don't want to call them home because they don't want to take any chances that the kid can't come back.

Now all of this has been going on for YEARS so when I tell you the rest of the story you have to understand that the decisions I ended up making were made from years and years of trying to make it work with the neighborhood kids and their parents but finally realizing that no matter what I do the bottom line is that the parents aren't ever going to change.

I made a decision a few months ago that I wouldn't allow any of the kids on my property or in my home unless the parents hosted my son too. I feel like the dumping ground for the neighborhood and it's just not fair that the parents don't reciprocate my kindness at all. I'm tired of them allowing their kids to be at my house for hours upon hours and don't allow my son at their house for five minutes. I'm tired of providing such a great environment for kids to hang out and them not doing a single thing to provide toys and activities for their own kid or my kid to share in. I'm tired of my phone ringing off the wall when it gets dark outside asking me if their kid is here and telling me to send them home. I'm tired of feeding their kids because they don't give a crap whether their kid eats or doesn't and when they do feed them it's crap food. I'm tired of serving hundreds of suppers and lunches and never ONCE have any of them ever invited my son for a meal. Never ONCE has a parent thanked me for feeding their kids. The truth is that they all think I love kids and that I should take care of their kid because I love kids. They all know I'm super safe and this is kid haven ............ but most of all they like it because it's excellent care for free.

I have had many conversations over the last five years with my close friends about how these neighborhood kids and their parents behave. I've had the conversation about how when these kids grow up that they will always remember the love and care they received at my house... how they will have such fond memories of the nice old lady who gave them great food, a lot of attention and supervision, and a home chalked full of a ton of the best toys ever. I'm told how when they are adults they will thank me for providing so much so freely for so long.

My truth is that I don't WANT to be that person in their childhood. I don't want to be the only adult who cared, the only adult who fostered a long childhood of friendship, the only adult to sit down and have a real meal. I don't want to be that person to these kids. I don't get a whiff of satisfaction thinking that one day it will really matter to the kids.

That sound harsh? Well.. it's really how I feel. I feel cheated that my son has at least twenty kids within a two block radius of my home that are within two years of him in age and not a single one of their parents cared to be that person to my kid. I WANT to do the "it takes a village" to raise a kid. I want to be one of the adults in the village that cares about the community. I want my kid to be on the receiving end of that not the host of that year in and year out.

I want my kid to go from house to house and have meals with his friends. I want him to be able to spend the night one night with them and then the next here. I want a gang of the kids to sleep over and my son to be one of the gang who gets to sleep over at their house. I want him to go from house to house and shovel snow and then come in for a hot cup of cocoa. I want to give my sons friends parents a night out or an all day Saturday day off for some "me" time. I want to HAVE a Saturday off when my son is well cared for in their home. I really want that kind of neighborhood life but I can't do it alone.

My truth is that my neighborhood is full of families that don't give a crap about anyone but themselves. They are terrible parents. They are selfish and they live to take and not give. They don't give two $hits about our kids childhood memories. They don't want to be a part of a culture of raising kids in the community with community values.

These parents are the parents we read about on this board month after month. They don't want to spend time with their kids. They don't feed them properly. They don't provide toys or sports equipment. They don't have a clean and orderly house. They want their kids face to be in a screen so they don't have to deal with them. They want their kid to either be in a room with a screen or outside away from them. They want free and they feel entitled to have someone else do the hard work it takes to provide a truly good childhood for their kids.

You would think that there would at least be a few good families around here but if they are here I haven't met them. I don't see any of them sharing in the care of the neighborhood kids. I only see them shunning their own children and taking every bit of free they can get.

I've just had it and I don't want to do it anymore. I have had to really put my foot down and say NO KIDS. No kids on my property........ no kids inside my house..... no more meals...... no more supplying bikes, toys, and sports equipment.

I just don't want to do it anymore. It's been a hard transition for my son because he wants his friends here SO bad, the kids want to be here, and their parents really really want them to be here. I'm the only one who doesn't want their kids here.

I have to take on the cultural norm here and say "NO kids" just as my neighbors do. I've done the caretaking for years for my own son. I've endured years of unfairness for HIS childhood. But... at some point he just sees me being used and my kindness as weakness.

So to answer you OP: No I don't allow sleepovers anymore. I don't even LIKE school aged kids so after a day or week of caring for the kids I DO like, I don't want to spend any of my time off hosting the ones in the age group I don't like.
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cheerfuldom 01:59 PM 03-17-2012
I'm sorry you have had such a hard time of it Nan. It is bad parents like this that put good parents in a tight spot. You shouldn't have to feed every kid and basically provide tons of free childcare. Shame on them for not wanting to host your son every now and then.
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permanentvacation 02:43 PM 03-17-2012
My personal children have weekend long sleepovers all the time. I don't think it's fair to your personal children to make them miss out on things because of the job that you chose to do.
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AfterSchoolMom 02:58 PM 03-17-2012
Originally Posted by permanentvacation:
My personal children have weekend long sleepovers all the time. I don't think it's fair to your personal children to make them miss out on things because of the job that you chose to do.
That is not what I meant, which I've explained. I never said I didn't allow sleepovers, I just said I didn't FEEL like it and didn't really want to. My kids don't miss out on much, except for things like trips to Disney and such that are ridiculously expensive. My biggest problem with sleepovers, at least in my oldest son's case (he's 11) is that they want to stay up SO very late, and I'm generally in bed and asleep by 9:30pm. My DH usually stays up later and he's normally the one in charge of making sure they get to bed, but in this case he wasn't available and so it was all on me.

Cheerfuldom, thank you.


I'm not going to quote your post because it's a long one, but Nan - my goodness! That would drive me up the wall!! I completely understand your feelings considering your neighborhood. It sounds just awful. Have any of the neighbors or kids commented on the change?
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nannyde 03:13 PM 03-17-2012
Originally Posted by AfterSchoolMom:
I'm not going to quote your post because it's a long one, but Nan - my goodness! That would drive me up the wall!! I completely understand your feelings considering your neighborhood. It sounds just awful. Have any of the neighbors or kids commented on the change?
It sucks. I live in a very middle class neighborhood with average families in the middle of the state in the middle of the country. Couldn't be more middle if I tried.

The kids just keep coming over here. Had one of them here at the stroke of eight a.m this morning They have started blowing my phone up because I chase them off the property when they come over. Have to get ds his own cell phone now.

I don't really talk to the parents much but I'm sure they are starting to figure out they don't have a free babysitter after school and on the weekends. When their kid comes over they just end up going back home so eventually the parents will get that I'm not just in a bad mood that day. I've tried to explain to the kids that I now have the same rules as their parents have but it doesn't seem to be sinking in.

I'm sure the parents don't spend a minute lamenting over it. They just have a really simple rule: No kids in my house and NO kids in my yard. When my son asks to go to the other kids house the kids just say "my parents don't allow kids at my house". They seem to accept it with their own parents and the other kids parents.
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nannyde 03:22 PM 03-17-2012
Originally Posted by cheerfuldom:
I'm sorry you have had such a hard time of it Nan. It is bad parents like this that put good parents in a tight spot. You shouldn't have to feed every kid and basically provide tons of free childcare. Shame on them for not wanting to host your son every now and then.
I've never minded feeding the kids. I know they don't get home made food and it does the heart good knowing how MUCH these kids crave some healthy home made meals. They are all boys and have huge appetites. I always buy a few extra gallons of milk, pop, and fruit for them when I know they are on break from school. I know how HUNGRY these kids get over the breaks and it breaks my heart. Some of them really have food insecurity so when they are here they devour the food.

If they are here they eat. I've always done it that way. I wouldn't mind a bit if we could all share the care. It's the selfishness of the parents that bugs me. I look at these families and see what the kid who comes to day care in their night diaper with a sucker in their mouth looks like as a middle schooler. It's really sad how disengaged the parents are and how MANY of them there are. They just don't care.
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AnneCordelia 03:59 PM 03-17-2012
Originally Posted by permanentvacation:
My personal children have weekend long sleepovers all the time. I don't think it's fair to your personal children to make them miss out on things because of the job that you chose to do.
Life is not fair. *shrug* I don't feel my kids are missing out on some great life experience because they don't get sleepovers. They get so much more because I am gainfully employed. I don't feel guilty about this and don't believe it to be wrong; I just don't.

This job works on so many levels better than other options for this mother of four. Sacrificing sleepovers and extended playdates because I don't want to spend my weekend caring for other peoples kids is really a minor drawback when you calculate how much good comes to my own kids from me doing daycare.
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cheerfuldom 04:14 PM 03-17-2012
Originally Posted by AnneCordelia:
Life is not fair. *shrug* I don't feel my kids are missing out on some great life experience because they don't get sleepovers. They get so much more because I am gainfully employed. I don't feel guilty about this and don't believe it to be wrong; I just don't.

This job works on so many levels better than other options for this mother of four. Sacrificing sleepovers and extended playdates because I don't want to spend my weekend caring for other peoples kids is really a minor drawback when you calculate how much good comes to my own kids from me doing daycare.
yup, yup, yup. agree to all, especially the bold. There is NO occupation out there that does not require some sacrifice on the kids part. The benefits of having all their needs met far outweighs the cons of not having every single luxury and yes, I feel that sleepovers are luxury
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MNMum 04:53 PM 03-17-2012
Originally Posted by nannyde:
It sucks. I live in a very middle class neighborhood with average families in the middle of the state in the middle of the country. Couldn't be more middle if I tried.

The kids just keep coming over here. Had one of them here at the stroke of eight a.m this morning They have started blowing my phone up because I chase them off the property when they come over. Have to get ds his own cell phone now.

I don't really talk to the parents much but I'm sure they are starting to figure out they don't have a free babysitter after school and on the weekends. When their kid comes over they just end up going back home so eventually the parents will get that I'm not just in a bad mood that day. I've tried to explain to the kids that I now have the same rules as their parents have but it doesn't seem to be sinking in.

I'm sure the parents don't spend a minute lamenting over it. They just have a really simple rule: No kids in my house and NO kids in my yard. When my son asks to go to the other kids house the kids just say "my parents don't allow kids at my house". They seem to accept it with their own parents and the other kids parents.
I can completely see your frustration in this situation, and think your decision to put your foot down is a good one.

Nan, I have had the opposite problem. We just built a house in a neighborhood going up. There are kids my children's ages in each of the other 8 homes that are finished. For the first 6 mos, no one would allow their children into my yard or home. The other girls told my daughter that, "My mom says I can't come over, your mom has her hands full already." I had to tell my girls to pass on that "My mom said it is okay." I don't take in school aged daycare kids, for that reason, so my schoolagers can have their friends over. All of the adults and kids know each other, we see each other daily in nice weather. The other families keep such a tight rein on their kids, they aren't allowed out of their sight. I am comfortable with my kids in each of their homes, as long as they ask before leaving. We finally had a family move in that sees the value in childhood friendships. Their child is 5 days younger than my 6 year old, and they play at each others homes equally. Now I just need to find a playmate for my 3rd grader.
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BigMama 05:11 PM 03-17-2012
Wow. Nan, you're post makes me really sad. I can't believe how disrespectful your neighbors are. It seems as though they have no respect for the fact that what you do is your business & livelihood. I mean are they thinking, What's one more???? Are they clueless or just plain rude? I feel bad for your son as well as he has played a wonderful host but never had the pleasure of being a welcomed guest. Nan, just wondering how old your son is? I am wondering if the other parents in your neighborhood were different when the children were younger (I mean were they more involved and inviting but changed as the kids got older)? Just curious.
I find with my guys and gal that as they entered the teenage years that many parents were less inviting to having kids hanging out. I feel completely different - as they get older the more I want them at home. When they do ask to go over to a friends house, they give me such grief because I demand to speak with the parent(s) first. One time I thought my youngest was going to die of embarrassment because I asked his friend's mother if she had a carbon monoxide detector and if there were any firearms in the home.
Even though I do like for them to be home (and would rather know they were here being watched and safe) I totally identify with the OP. After 10 hour days of child care PLUS cleaning, planning, errands, etc. I do not always feel like having quests. I don't think she is being selfish at all. I never, not once had a friend sleep over my house when I was a child (a completely foreign concept to my mother) and I turned out ok
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saved4always 06:04 PM 03-17-2012
Originally Posted by Meyou:
I totally agree. We have a revolving door here and although it's loud and sometimes crazy (there were 7 kids here last Tuesday night) I know all my kids friends and they like being here. I just keep lots of snacks, board games and movies around and ban them from my bedroom so there is a haven.
Yes...I also always retreat to the peace of my bedroom when a sleepover is going on. Got my books, tv, nail polish, and nook. They will let me know if there is any emergency they need me for....lol!
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saved4always 06:13 PM 03-17-2012
Originally Posted by cheerfuldom:
I love how some of the moms here are very into knowing their kids friends and hosting things like sleepovers. That is something your kids will never forget. All I ask though is that we all have some compassion for the OP and for the fact that not every parent has the same parenting style. Just because she does not have sleepovers for now does not mean that she is not creating memories, getting to know her kids and their friends, etc. Parents can find ways to do that outside of sleepovers. I am only posting this because I know how hard it is to have a houseful of kids and then people make you feel bad when you say no to babysitting on the weekend, friends coming over, working in the childrens nursery or ministries.....just from my point of view, I am very exhausted of other peoples kids and just want to be around my own family on the weekend. I know sometimes other people make me feel bad about that and I hope that we dont accidentally do that to the OP.
Totally agree. When my daughter was younger, I did not do sleepovers. At that point, her friends were also younger and it would have been more work for me....it would have felt more like providing free overnight babysitting . I think she did her first sleepover here when she was like 7 yo or so. Now that she is older, I am not really needed when she does sleepovers with her friends now and it keeps her busy. When she doesn't have a friend over, she gets bored and wants me to entertain her. In my situation, a sleepover is less work. If I was pregnant and had younger children, the situation would be totally different and I know I would totally balk at doing sleepovers here.

And I can totally relate to the working the children's ministries and nursery at church. I have no desire to help with those ministries at all because I work with small children all week. I only help with these when I am backed into a corner...lol!
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saved4always 06:28 PM 03-17-2012
Nan, I am so sorry that you have been taken advantage of this way. I think I would feel the same way you do if the families in my neighborhood were like those in yours. Shame on them for being so selfish and especially for thier lack of responsibility and care for thier own children. That is just so sad!
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nannyde 06:57 PM 03-17-2012
Originally Posted by BigMama:
Wow. Nan, you're post makes me really sad. I can't believe how disrespectful your neighbors are. It seems as though they have no respect for the fact that what you do is your business & livelihood. I mean are they thinking, What's one more???? Are they clueless or just plain rude? I feel bad for your son as well as he has played a wonderful host but never had the pleasure of being a welcomed guest. Nan, just wondering how old your son is? I am wondering if the other parents in your neighborhood were different when the children were younger (I mean were they more involved and inviting but changed as the kids got older)? Just curious.
I find with my guys and gal that as they entered the teenage years that many parents were less inviting to having kids hanging out. I feel completely different - as they get older the more I want them at home. When they do ask to go over to a friends house, they give me such grief because I demand to speak with the parent(s) first. One time I thought my youngest was going to die of embarrassment because I asked his friend's mother if she had a carbon monoxide detector and if there were any firearms in the home.
Even though I do like for them to be home (and would rather know they were here being watched and safe) I totally identify with the OP. After 10 hour days of child care PLUS cleaning, planning, errands, etc. I do not always feel like having quests. I don't think she is being selfish at all. I never, not once had a friend sleep over my house when I was a child (a completely foreign concept to my mother) and I turned out ok
When I was coming up my Mom had very close friends with kids my age. They brought us all up together so we had many times when the "cousins" were with us. They worked different shifts and did child care for each other. It was just a way of life for a single parent in those days.

When I lived with my Dad and stepmother we never had sleep overs. The house was 800 sq foot with six kids and two adults. It was unheard of to have friends spend the night. There was little room for us.

The neighbors were this way from DAY ONE. From the time my son was old enough to go out front on the sidewalk in front of my house the kids started coming here. They allowed their kids to run the neighborhood way before I did so they would come from all the streets surrounding the park. I've known these kids since they were four and five years old. They are all now 9 to 13. My son is nearly twelve.

I don't want to hijack the thread at all. This was a post I have actually written a few times and didn't post because I've been struggling for a long time on how to manage it. I've tried to just enforce the same rules the other families have but it has been hard. My son begs me to host these kids and he is an only child. I feel bad for him because I want him to have kids to play with. Once I started hosting the kids I started to feel bad for a lot of them because they are not well taken care of. Their parents are NOT poor and have the resources to provide and supervise. They are just selfish and negligent and can't be bothered by their kids. My first clue should have been the four year old kid who lived on the other side of the park coming over by himself. That's how it all got started.

I have gone back and forth on this for a long time but I always cave because I now know and love a lot of these kids. I feel a responsibility to them when I know we have so much and they get so little. The food thing BUGS THE HELL out of me so I just provide for them. I hate to see kids hungry or plied with really crappy food every day. When they come and tell me all they had today was toaster strudels and Quick trip hot dogs it makes me sad for them. They are starving for REAL food.
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Meyou 03:58 AM 03-18-2012
Originally Posted by AfterSchoolMom:
That is not what I meant, which I've explained. I never said I didn't allow sleepovers, I just said I didn't FEEL like it and didn't really want to. My kids don't miss out on much, except for things like trips to Disney and such that are ridiculously expensive. My biggest problem with sleepovers, at least in my oldest son's case (he's 11) is that they want to stay up SO very late, and I'm generally in bed and asleep by 9:30pm. My DH usually stays up later and he's normally the one in charge of making sure they get to bed, but in this case he wasn't available and so it was all on me.

Cheerfuldom, thank you.


I'm not going to quote your post because it's a long one, but Nan - my goodness! That would drive me up the wall!! I completely understand your feelings considering your neighborhood. It sounds just awful. Have any of the neighbors or kids commented on the change?
I just wanted to add that I do say no sometimes. I go to bed early too so if dh isn't home and the older girls want friends over I just can't stay up to keep an eye on them. But most of the time I suck it up like you did this weekend and get through it. I like having a quiet mess free house on the weekends but I also like it when my girls are happy and my teens are within earshot. lol
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Kaddidle Care 06:31 AM 03-18-2012
We don't have many sleep-overs here because I am a planner and just don't do last minute things.

I've done very few - and it's usually for a Birthday event.

It also depends on the child. The Home-Schooled children across the street are welcome any time. They are polite, sometimes a bit picky about food and drinks but are very nice children.

My son had one child sleepover that was extremely needy and had the tiniest attention span I've ever seen. (Keep in mind that I have an ADHD child so this should be something I am used to.)

By the next morning I had had it up to my eyeballs with him. I'm usually starved for sleep as I won't go to bed until I know they are all sleeping and they never go to sleep before 11:30.

Nan - I hear you on the lack of reciprocation. We've had several sleepovers here and my son has never been invited to one. It is very similar around these parts as well. Play dates have to be scheduled well in advance as the kids are all very busy with sports, etc. And then they think nothing of cancelling the plans at the last minute which disappoints the kids.

I am lucky in the fact that my son, while he enjoys the video games and such, loves to play outside with his friends. Most of the kids flock to the neighbor's house because she has the most children and there's always someone to play with there. They do bounce from house to house - or I should say yard to yard.

I do not expect the neighbors to feed my child. In the summer she'll sometimes bring out water or a pitcher of iced tea or lemonade. Sometimes we'll send over microwave popcorn for the kids to snack on but meals are done at home.

While my son is rarely invited indoors at the neighbor's house, I understand it because they have oodles of children and a cluttered home. If it's rainy, my son invites some of her children over to play board games, video games or watch a movie. Movies are always accompanied by popcorn and drinks!

In Nan's situation - letting a child bother a neighbor on a Saturday at 8:00 AM is just plain rude. I don't blame you Nan - but your son needs to respond to his friends that they can come play after he gets to play at their house.

No kids in the house or yard? Unheard of! What the heck kind of rules are they? I'm taking it both parents are working and not home? In that case I would agree with that rule but then.. who is watching their kids?
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momofboys 08:46 AM 03-18-2012
Originally Posted by AfterSchoolMom:
Do those of you who are full time providers allow your kids to have friends come and sleep over on the weekends?

I worked all day, then watched a friend's children for a couple of hours as a favor (they were here an hour after I'm usually finished), and now my oldest wants to have a friend come over and spend the night. I am 4 mos. pregnant and completely exhausted, and all day long I have been looking forward to going to bed early and sleeping in late, neither of which I'll get to do if the sleepover happens.

Is it selfish of me to want to say no? It may just be hormones talking ( ), but I'm with children all day, every day, and I have ZERO desire to spend time with "extra" children when I'm not working. Am I alone there?
It is hard! I totally agree with you! I have 2 older boys (almost 11 & 8 1/2) & they want to have occasional sleepovers. We have accomodated them a few times but made sure to do it on long weekends (MLK/President's Day, Labor day, etc). That way I still felt like I was having a "normal" weekend but allowed my child to have fun with their friend at our house. Luckily, both of my boys' friends are happy to reciprocate so that makes it worthwhile too!

Nannyde - I am absolutely horrified about your situation! I don't blame you in the least bit for wanting to limit the SA in your home. It is truly sad that their own parents don't care where they are/what they are doing/don't want to be involved in their lives & with their friends' lives. I don't have a solution but hope your son can become involved with some friends who do value spendign time with their children & want to also make your son a fin part of some weekend activities. Chin up sister, be proud that you are a wonderful mom!
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mema 10:53 AM 03-18-2012
We do let our kids do sleepovers occasionally. They know tho that they need to be planned before the week is out and Saturdays work better than Fridays. Friday is family night. Everyone is tired from school and work and it is our night to just veg out and watch movies, talk, play games, etc. They can come over late afternoon Sat and must be gone by lunch time on Sunday.

I don't mind doing them. Both our kids friends host too. I prefer that one of my son's friends is here and not there. His friend isn't always nice to his mom and his sister-well let's just say if my daughter acts like her, she will be in boarding school. He is a bit loud and wild, but he is respectful (most of the time) when he is here. I don't want my son to think he can treat people the way those kids do their mom. DS knows not to act like that and if he did it would be the end of going anywhere. The mom also doesn't keep an eye on them. I don't cling to them, but I do check up on them.

All friends know the rules. No food or drink except at the table. We let water go downstairs, but nothing else. If we allow popcorn or chips down for a movie it must get cleaned up or it is no longer allowed. Whatever mess you make, you clean up-toys, blankets, pillows, etc.
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AfterSchoolMom 02:53 PM 03-18-2012
Originally Posted by mema:
We do let our kids do sleepovers occasionally. They know tho that they need to be planned before the week is out and Saturdays work better than Fridays. Friday is family night. Everyone is tired from school and work and it is our night to just veg out and watch movies, talk, play games, etc. They can come over late afternoon Sat and must be gone by lunch time on Sunday.


I really like this. I think from now on, to avoid this situation in the future, we'll do this. Thanks!
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dave4him 03:16 PM 03-18-2012
Originally Posted by AfterSchoolMom:


I really like this. I think from now on, to avoid this situation in the future, we'll do this. Thanks!
Id have to drag them to church
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jen 04:12 PM 03-18-2012
Originally Posted by Meyou:
I totally agree. We have a revolving door here and although it's loud and sometimes crazy (there were 7 kids here last Tuesday night) I know all my kids friends and they like being here. I just keep lots of snacks, board games and movies around and ban them from my bedroom so there is a haven.
LOL...The BIG TV is on our bedroom. One night my husband and I left the older kids home alone while we ran to the store. When we got home, I found 7 teenaged boys in my bedroom playing video games! I about died! Our room is off limits!!!! YIKES!
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countrymom 06:23 PM 03-18-2012
so today, we are switching rooms around. So my odd is 14 (next week) and we are giving her ds's ueen bed (use to belong to her) well dh is trying to bribe her that if she gets a single bed then she can have her friends sleep over. So I point out to him that she is in highschool next year, who does he think she's going to invite, the boys. Dh's response was, "well if she keeps the ueen bed then they will all sleep in the bed together at least with the single they have to sleep on the floor" omg dd was so embarressed.

I forgot that when odd turned 10 we hosted a sleep over. We rented 3 hotel rooms (it had a water slide) so dh and I (and our 2 younger kids) slept in one room, and the other 2 rooms held 5 girls each. I have never ever seen needy, pathetic, whiney children like I did at this sleep over. We had one girl crying the whole night because she missed her mom, her brothers, her house....another child wanting to run wild because her mother wasn't there, I can go on but this was the last time we hosted a sleep over.

nan-I can't believe adults behave like that, oh wait, yes I can. The minute they find out that you run a daycare, you become the free sitter. Good for you for standing up, sure it takes a village to raise children but I don't think it means a village by yourself.
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