Daycare.com Forum
Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>"NO" Is All In How You Say It
Pammie 06:52 AM 05-02-2011
I'm just curious as to why so many providers seem to have such a difficult time saying "no"?? Seems like so many threads have this bottom-line issue.
"No, I'm not providing care on Saturday."
"You may NOT walk off of the entry area with your shoes on."
"No, I don't know you, you may not come into my home right now."
It's not that hard to do - simply said in a firm voice - it's actually quite effective
I've been doing daycare for many, many years, and one of the things that has changed from 20 years ago with many dc parents is the sense of entitlement that many/most seem to have. In their mind, they're paying us to be available to them 24/7, to put up with their nonsense and disrespect. When in actuality, they're paying me for a service - to care for their children in my home. If I don't stand up for myself, my family, and my home and set boundaries(policies) in what I'm willing to tolerate and then enforce those policies, the dc parents are just going to push and push to extend those boundaries/limits, just like a toddler does.
The only way I've found to deal with these type of dc parents is the same way I deal with their children....to say "no" and mean it. Yes, they might get upset, just like a toddler being told "no". But that's their problem, not mine.
(Going to the closet now to get my flame-retardant suit)
"No, I'm not providing care on Saturday."
"You may NOT walk off of the entry area with your shoes on."
"No, I don't know you, you may not come into my home right now."
It's not that hard to do - simply said in a firm voice - it's actually quite effective
I've been doing daycare for many, many years, and one of the things that has changed from 20 years ago with many dc parents is the sense of entitlement that many/most seem to have. In their mind, they're paying us to be available to them 24/7, to put up with their nonsense and disrespect. When in actuality, they're paying me for a service - to care for their children in my home. If I don't stand up for myself, my family, and my home and set boundaries(policies) in what I'm willing to tolerate and then enforce those policies, the dc parents are just going to push and push to extend those boundaries/limits, just like a toddler does.
The only way I've found to deal with these type of dc parents is the same way I deal with their children....to say "no" and mean it. Yes, they might get upset, just like a toddler being told "no". But that's their problem, not mine.
(Going to the closet now to get my flame-retardant suit)
DCMom 06:58 AM 05-02-2011
Pammie, I think it is a skill that comes with experience.
I read some of these posts and I think the same thing, but then I think back to the ways that I bent over backwards for people over the years and I realize that assertiveness is a learned skill.
I read some of these posts and I think the same thing, but then I think back to the ways that I bent over backwards for people over the years and I realize that assertiveness is a learned skill.
Zoe 07:03 AM 05-02-2011
I agree with dcmom. I'm a new provider and still trying to find my backbone. I'm getting better, but I'm still in that awful mindset that if I say no and am not "accommodating" then I'll lose my clients. I don't have that many to begin with either!
I only have one family now and they're so wonderful that I feel comfortable telling them no if need be. For instance, I got my monthly schedule from them and they wrote down that they needed care on Memorial Day. Um, no. I'm off that day. And I told her that! She switched the days that week, no problem. Didn't even question me!
I'm hoping that with time, I won't get so nervous and will be able to confidently say "no" to parents and stick up for myself!
I only have one family now and they're so wonderful that I feel comfortable telling them no if need be. For instance, I got my monthly schedule from them and they wrote down that they needed care on Memorial Day. Um, no. I'm off that day. And I told her that! She switched the days that week, no problem. Didn't even question me!
I'm hoping that with time, I won't get so nervous and will be able to confidently say "no" to parents and stick up for myself!
Blackcat31 07:05 AM 05-02-2011
It is really no different than learning to say "no" as a parent. It takes time, skills and experience. The only people I know that are really good at saying "no", besides toddlers, are those people who feel super comfortable in not only what they do but who they are as people. Speaking up for yourself or standing your ground is difficult for many people and no matter how good rules and policies look on paper, implementing those rules and policies are the toughest thing about this job. There is no class or training or certificate on how to say "no", it is simply something each person gets comfortatable doing in their own time.
And then even when you do get really good at it someone comes along and does or says something that you have never ever been faced with before and some how all the backbone that you grew over the last few years becomes soft and flexible and before you know it......
If daycare was black and white..."no" would be super easy. But since daycare is kinda gray, there is a place for "yes", "no" and sometimes "maybe"; and THAT is what makes it tough to say "NO."
And then even when you do get really good at it someone comes along and does or says something that you have never ever been faced with before and some how all the backbone that you grew over the last few years becomes soft and flexible and before you know it......
If daycare was black and white..."no" would be super easy. But since daycare is kinda gray, there is a place for "yes", "no" and sometimes "maybe"; and THAT is what makes it tough to say "NO."
cheerfuldom 09:11 AM 05-02-2011
I agree, it comes with experience. I know that I am WAY better now than when I first started. I came into this job naively assuming that others would have at least the bare minimum of respect for me as a fellow human being and I was sadly, very wrong. It takes awhile to realize that others don't come into this working relationship with much respect and will treat you as a second class citizen. I have had parents do the most appalling things that they would NEVER do to their coworkers or even a bum on the street. I finally had enough when one DCD got right in my face, yelling and carrying on. He was at least a foot taller, 100 lbs bigger than me and such a bully. I thought, no way, I am putting an end to all this right now. No one should have the right to treat me like that especially in my own house. It takes awhile to get to that point though when you love these kids and are really trying to keep everyone happy.
Michael 03:53 PM 05-02-2011
Nannyde did an artilce inspired by your thread: https://www.daycare.com/nannyde/why-...discussion.htm
https://www.daycare.com/nannyde/why-...discussion.htm
Evansmom 04:12 PM 05-02-2011
I like the article nannyde! I'd be interested in knowing how your contract is worded so that parents have to pay for your holiday time before getting out of a contract. Also I love the idea of waiting that 3 month period and I am certainly going to do that from now on. Gives everyone a much needed buffer zone.
The OP has a good point though and I find that now after 3 years of being in the business for myself it's much, much easier for me to term problem families without too much difficulty and to say no to things I do not want to do. Sometimes I wonder if it's b/c of the way that some of us are raised (me included). Seeking other's approval can wreak havoc on our businesses and when we get to a point where we value our own opinion of ourselves more than anyone else's then it's easier to say no and mean it. At least it is for me.
The OP has a good point though and I find that now after 3 years of being in the business for myself it's much, much easier for me to term problem families without too much difficulty and to say no to things I do not want to do. Sometimes I wonder if it's b/c of the way that some of us are raised (me included). Seeking other's approval can wreak havoc on our businesses and when we get to a point where we value our own opinion of ourselves more than anyone else's then it's easier to say no and mean it. At least it is for me.