Hi! I'd love some help with a situation. I have a 4 yo dcg who comes to me 3 days per week. I could be wrong in my assumption, but based upon conversations I've had with dcm and what I see when she's here, there seems to be a huge disconnect between discipline at home and discipline here.

She has an absolute fit several times a day when she doesn't get her way. She frequently does things to try to annoy and upset other children. Refuses to eat the food I serve here, calling it "YUCK!" and making a big scene about it. Has a meltdown at drop-off every other day she comes, screaming at the top of her lungs and either demanding that I stop everything and call her parents to come get her, or demanding that I stop everything and hold her. She's in a sensitive/bad mood one or two days a week (she only comes three days), and it causes her to say mean things to other children, hurt their feelings, etc., among other things.

I believe that I offer a variety of engaging, age-appropriate activities for her and the other children. There are other children here who are her age and with whom she gets along (overall). On days that I *think* she's had fun and had a good day, I'll get an email from her dad or her mom asking about her day (even though I send home very detailed daily reports in her bag and pictures to email), because, as they will tell me, she said on the way home that "(she) never wants to go back and (she) hates" it here. I try not to take it personally, but when I work so hard to provide a fulfilling and exciting day full of play-based learning and social opportunities, it's hard not to feel defeated.

Additionally, I always try to speak calmly and lovingly to her, empathizing with her feelings and big emotions, trying to give her words to express herself, label her feelings, find things to be excited about, offer a calming alternative place to go to relax, etc. At the same time, I do have expectations for behavior. I communicate that it's okay to be upset, but it is NOT okay to x, y, or z.

Today, she came in and seemed fine until two minutes after dad dropped her off. Suddenly, she was screaming and crying, demanding that I call him to come get her. All the while, other children are actually frightened over her tantrum, and parents are still dropping off, no doubt wondering what on earth must be making her so upset to be left here. The theatrics continued, and I eventually tend to ignore them if the usual methods don't work. She refused to eat snack, but then wanted it after snack was over (which I don't and didn't allow), and eventually ended up punching another child in the back right in front of me.

Violent outbursts are immediate timeouts. It's clear to me that she does not get timeouts at home, because she seems to have no idea about how to handle them. She becomes EXTREMELY upset, screaming and anxiously begging to come out, wanting to talk, etc. The first few times I put her in timeout here, I tried to calmly guide her through what a timeout was, and what the expectations were. She still doesn't seem to get it, or feel that she needed to follow them.

At this point, I have reached out to mom about the behavior troubles. I have requested a telephone conference to discuss the situation. There needs to be a connection between school and home relative to consequences and followup for behavior at school that I don't feel is there right now. There seems to be ZERO consequences for poor behavior at school, and she seems to feel immune to consequences, because when she's in trouble, the first thing she does is demand that I call her parents. Mom has expressed that they are BIG on peaceful parenting at home, but the impression I'm left with is that it's more permissive than anything.

I'm sure she is going to go home, yet again, complaining and saying how much she hates it here and never wants to go back. Dad told her at drop-off that they were headed to the zoo after school today (which they do frequently and she absolutely LOVES it). In the past, I've told dad at pickup about her rough days, but he's shrugged it off, called it normal behavior for her age, and still brought her to the zoo.

Suggestions on what else I can be doing here? Also, any thoughts on what I should talk to mom about? I'm so frustrated and exhausted. She's not like this all of the time. Some days are better than others. But at least half of her days are pretty rough. Thank you.

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Ugh! I would be showing this family the door!

How many times have our own kids said they "hate" something, and it's really because they're upset they can't do something, or aren't getting their way?!

And dcd takes her to the zoo despite her behavior?!

If you term, guarantee this will be the situation at the next place.

Sorry, that wasn't much help- I just wouldn't want to deal with this family!

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My conference with them would be basically you all need to work out a plan that you can all stick to, or they'll need to make other arrangements. You prefer to work together, BUT you can't do it alone.

Then, outline the positive methods you use, as well as what you think are consequences for her actions; natural consequences whenever possible (such as missing snack). She is old enough, however, to lose other privileges as a result of her behavior. She's not 2.

Peaceful parenting? Nice try dcp's. What's peaceful here?

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Before they enrolled, I found out that they pulled her out of her last center, because she used to be excited and happy to go there, but mom was alarmed when she suddenly started crying and having a fit on days she had to go to school. Mom just "knew something wasn't right with the center". So she pulled her.

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And, I bet the center staff had a little party once they were out the door!

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This is great advice. Thank you!

Should I ask for them to tell me in more detail how things are handled at home? How they handle discipline? I'm trying to figure out how to have a productive conversation here without telling them how to parent... This is tough!

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I would open with something nice (reach)...like...You know, I really appreciate dcg's sense of humor. She cracks me up sometimes! However, we do have some issues we need to figure out regarding her less-than-pleasant behavior. It's really holding her back socially and academically, and I'm starting to worry about kindergarten. Can we sit down and figure out some strategies that will work for all of us?

How's that?

If they avoid, then wait a couple more days, and tell them that it's time to sit down and talk, or it's time to find another arrangement. Her behavior is just too disruptive for the other children.

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They either need to get on the same page with you or I would send them packing. I wonder if they were actually asked to leave the center they were at? I would ask what they do at home, just to get a feel for if they are doing anything. Good luck with this, but they don't sound like they are going to step it up to me. So sad for the little ones in these situations.

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Thank you!!

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Agreed!

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I had this family. The child was younger, though. There was no discipline. It was a lot of talk and a lot of convincing child to do something. Except they called it gentle parenting Mom stood in the pouring rain for 45 mins one day because dcg didn't want to get in her car seat.

I would try to have a convo with them. Get them to follow your example and follow through with natural consequences. (perhaps dcd needs to hear this convo, too) Heidi has good suggestions on how to frame the convo.

Maybe they will work with you. Most likely they will take issue with any disciplining attempts. Be prepared to have a term.

I will never take a child whose parents have named their parenting technique ever again. It was that bad.

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Hilarious!

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I have a dcb3 who is really similar. His behavior was extreme the first couple of weeks and when I consistently enforced the ruled, he started telling mom that he didn't like school right in front of me. I am pretty direct with kids and parents so I said, "Oh no, you don't like school! Why not!" He pointed at our picture rule board and said, "I don't like those rules."

His mom was no longer concerned about my care and it opened up a discussion about how I enforce the rules at school. The parents don't use all of my strategies, but they use the ones that work for them and dcb doesn't complain about school anymore. :-) Behavior is not perfect but I have seen huge improvements.

At 4, dcg should be able to say why she doesn't like it. Since it sounds like she has not said what she doesn't like, that could be a good opening for you. For example, dcg has so much fun here and I really enjoy caring for her. However, I noticed she gets very upset when I enforce a dc rule. I wonder if that is why she upset about school. You can use that to launch a problem solving discussion about the behaviors.

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I had this child too. A four year old boy, though, and very stubborn and "mean". He just wanted to disagree and pick fights. Luckily, his mom was not the "getle parenting type", but she was clueless on how to handle him, so she deferred to me. He is awesome now! One of my best helpers and eager to please. I never did the "speak in words they can understand, on their level, ect.". He was 4...he understood exactly what he was doing. So I gave him no attention or love or respect, as he was not giving it either, until he showed me he could treat others in a similar way. Sounds harsh, but he was my work horse. I gave him jobs and I had an eagle eye on him. Swift punishment for bad behavior and he KNEW I was watching him, so he I could see him workig out in his mind sometimes, whether to cause a problem or do something good. And he has started doing the good behaviors. What I really recognized is that he was begging for structure and discipline. He needed expectations, because he felt vulnerable not knowing what the day looked like. His parents are separated and he has been bounced around, so now, I understand that what he NEEDS from me, is that stability he is not getting at home. And I love him and enjoy him so much! I wouldn't give up, but make sure the parents are on board, otherwise, it is all for naught.

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