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Blackcat31 08:31 AM 01-26-2019
Anonymous poster asks:

I have a dilema. Parents are going through a divorce. Dcd has been comes to pick up smelling like alcohol. Licensing says that I can’t keep a kid from their parent, what are my options? They live two blocks away so even if I call the cops, By the time they get here, he would be home
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Josiegirl 08:40 AM 01-26-2019
I would confront dcd and tell him you're mandated by licensing to call the proper authorities. Even with him being home by the time the police show up, just maybe it'll be enough to smarten the guy up. And you could also ask the police what you can do about it; perhaps his pick-up time could be observed by a police who just happened to be in the neighborhood?
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Annalee 08:49 AM 01-26-2019
Maybe say something to the dcd like "I would feel more comfortable with someone else picking up if you will be drinking alcohol at pickup". If he balks, the child will still have to be let go with him but it might be worth a try. And since the parents are not divorced yet, the provider would have every right to tell the dcm. Maybe an amicable solution could happen. If not, life becomes difficult for everyone. Good luck!
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springv 09:03 AM 01-26-2019
hope everything gets better
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springv 09:06 AM 01-26-2019
Does anyone know how to change your username???
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Ariana 10:47 AM 01-26-2019
I would call the police non emergency line and ask them what to do. As far as I know they will go to his house even if he is no longer driving.
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Blackcat31 12:27 PM 01-26-2019
Originally Posted by Lexbears2007:
Does anyone know how to change your username???
PM me and I can do it for you
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Blackcat31 12:29 PM 01-26-2019
Additional info:

Parents are going through a divorce. Dcm seems to be totally oblivious. Dcd has been coming every day to pick up kids to take them to an activity and return them before daycare ends so dcm can pick up.

I’m ready to implement one pick up/drop off rule because I don’t want him in my daycare.

He’s a chatty parent when he’s had a few drinks and thinks we’re friends and wants to talk/chat at pickups/drop offs.
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springv 01:32 PM 01-26-2019
I sent you a pm blackcat31
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Josiegirl 02:44 PM 01-26-2019
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
Additional info:

Parents are going through a divorce. Dcm seems to be totally oblivious. Dcd has been coming every day to pick up kids to take them to an activity and return them before daycare ends so dcm can pick up.

I’m ready to implement one pick up/drop off rule because I don’t want him in my daycare.

He’s a chatty parent when he’s had a few drinks and thinks we’re friends and wants to talk/chat at pickups/drop offs.
In that case, then definitely yes, implement the rule right away. Are these classes or spur of the moment type activities that he simply feels like taking dd to? I also think, if it were me, I'd relay that info to dcm. She has the right to know. If *I* were in that same situation I'd definitely want to know. Is dcd bringing them back so dcm won't know but he still gets time with them? I realize they're going through a divorce and that can be a bitter difficult time but they are the adults and need to keep their actions/emotions/words in the proper places and keep their communication open for the kids. But when it comes to the smell of alcohol, that becomes a safety issue.
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284878 06:27 AM 01-27-2019
Originally Posted by Ariana:
I would call the police non emergency line and ask them what to do. As far as I know they will go to his house even if he is no longer driving.
Yes this. I was also told that if you call and tell them what time you expect him and his address, they will come and wait for him. Also call CPS, tell them that he is drunk at pickup, they will at least record that and create a file if one is not already started.
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Cat Herder 08:46 AM 01-27-2019
He could be trying to pad up his "time spent" for his custody case documentation although in reality the court mostly cares about overnights for status quo. A physical daily sign-in/sign-out sheet will notify DCM and serve as documentation for DCD. Most likely he will be counting on your attendance records for court.

As for the alcohol, I'd go with "Is that alcohol I smell?" and go from there. It could be a prescription mouthwash for gum disease or he could be diabetic, only direct confrontation will tell you.
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Cat Herder 08:58 AM 01-27-2019
Also, please don't misunderstand, I am not implying, that DCD is doing something shady by checking his kids out daily.

It is pretty shady to play keep away from Dad with daycare when he is available to spend the day with his own kids, for spite. Plenty of women do that as well.

Sometimes it works great to keep conflict low to do swaps at daycare, too. It is very dependent on the adult's personalities and level of conflict.
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CityGarden 09:43 AM 01-27-2019
Sorry for you are going thru this. I would call licensing and check and also call the police non-emergency line just to cover you bases and make sure you are doing everything to protect yourself and your business.

It seems in reading the follow up post that ultimately you do not want dcd to pick up at all so I would just address that directly leaving the rest as secondary support for your goal.

I would write a letter and give it to both parents in person as well as via email informing them that you are concerned about:

- inconsistent days (being picked up mid-day for classes, etc.)
- pick up procedures (not leaving promptly, odors of alcohol at pick up, etc.)
- any other concerns you see impacting dcg

I would then go on in the letter to say in the best interest of dcg and the health of all the children in my program please note the following policy changes.

- One drop off, one pick up per day
- No parent or adult may pick up a child under the influence
- etc.

I would also suggest searching other threads dealing with divorce parents and putting some boundaries in place for yourself and your program now.
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Blackcat31 01:17 PM 01-27-2019
Dcd is unemployed. Dcm knows he picks up to take them & bring back every day. Do I report to the child abuse hotline?
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rosieteddy 03:17 PM 01-27-2019
I would give him a heads up.Why not call him before next drop off.Explain that as a licensed Daycare you are a mandated reporter.See how he reacts.Tell him that you thought he was drinking. If you call the police he has no chance.I do agree with one drop off and pickup per day.It really messes up your program with kids and parent in and out.
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springv 03:25 PM 01-27-2019
I would report to the child abuse hotline because technically it is abuse.
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Cat Herder 05:58 AM 01-28-2019
Why not have the parents in for a conference to discuss your concerns? Both parents.
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Blackcat31 08:18 AM 01-28-2019
Talked to dcm today and it’s just a bigger mess. Said she’s shocked it’s taken me so long to figure out he’s an alcoholic. To just tell dcd that I won’t release the kids to him if he smells like alcohol. I explained I can’t do that per Licensing I can’t withhold kids from parents. So she laughs and says guess you just have to have an uncomfortable conversation with him because she can’t do anything.
She laughed.. I’m Still in shock.
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redmaple 08:53 AM 01-28-2019
Wow, yes there would be an uncomfortable conversation, one that involved an immediate termination and a need to report.
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Cat Herder 08:54 AM 01-28-2019
"She laughed.. "

I'd simply terminate and enjoy my life. She picked him, she can deal with him. They clearly don't need childcare. Give them the gift of no and force her to find a solution.
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Annalee 09:11 AM 01-28-2019
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
Talked to dcm today and it’s just a bigger mess. Said she’s shocked it’s taken me so long to figure out he’s an alcoholic. To just tell dcd that I won’t release the kids to him if he smells like alcohol. I explained I can’t do that per Licensing I can’t withhold kids from parents. So she laughs and says guess you just have to have an uncomfortable conversation with him because she can’t do anything.
She laughed.. I’m Still in shock.
NOPE NOPE and NOPE...not acceptable!
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Josiegirl 09:45 AM 01-28-2019
Originally Posted by Cat Herder:
"She laughed.. "

I'd simply terminate and enjoy my life. She picked him, she can deal with him. They clearly don't need childcare. Give them the gift of no and force her to find a solution.
THIS.
Doesn't she care that her estranged dh is driving under the influence with their kids in jeopardy?? Or will she only care when an accident happens and THEN she'll find someone else to blame.
Yeh, I'd terminate and tell them exactly why; YOU don't want to be the one responsible for allowing an accident to happen.
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Mom2Two 11:40 AM 01-28-2019
Even though he lives a couple of blocks away, there's no guarantee that he's heading home, so no I wouldn't release to the dad without immediately calling the cops about it.

BUT it's mom's responsibility to get some kind of temporary order on this, especially since it's an ongoing problem.

I think she needs to be told to go get a temp order and that the provider shouldn't be in the middle of this situation. Also, I think I would report this, coz mom doesn't seem to care really.

I would also be prepared to testify to prove the need for a temp order if it happens.
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boy_mom 11:57 AM 01-28-2019
Honestly, I would term for her general lack of caring about the situation and for her children's well being. She thinks it isn't her problem, but I would be making it her problem at pick up tonight! What a punk!
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lblanke 02:29 PM 01-28-2019
I would term. If he appears intoxicated/impaired, I do not think you can release the child to him, and I think you have to report. And, I agree, TERM immediately.
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hwichlaz 07:35 PM 01-28-2019
I'm sure she cares, but she can't do anything about it without looking like it's devious.

So he's driving the few blocks or walking with them? It's not illegal to drink and parent, but if he's driving with them I'd have the police waiting around the corner.
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Tags:alcohol, assumptions, divorce, divorce - life after, divorced parents, one drop off one pickup per day, professionalism
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