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Old 10-07-2011, 02:13 PM
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Question DCM Hides From The Truth

Excuse the type-O's but I'm typing fast before nap is over......26 years of daycare....am the mom of 3 grown sons. I've dealt with every type of parent, every type of child....I joke all the time that I should write a book. But that would require time that I just don't have.......

I take care of an elementary school teachers child. This is her 2nd one. I also took care of her older child for the first 4 yrs.... I like the parents. I really do. They pay on time, pick up on time, follow my contract to a 'T' and are very nice people. What bothers me is the lack of concern for her son, who is obviously WAY behind. Here is a teacher, who has parent teacher conferences, has to deal with telling parents about issues she is concerned about, expecting those parents to back her up and follow through with her guidance and suggestions with homework etc.... yet she herself will not help her very own son.......

He is almost 20 mo. old....... he does not speak a word. He jibber-jabbers but it is the same sounds over and over. He has never once pointed to an object. He does not know how to wave bye-bye, picks things up like a crab (fingers together and thumb) not the pointer clasp, he does not understand 98% of what is said to him. He only understands his name and the word 'no'. He is a sweet, darling little boy. But to be honest, his head is pretty much empty, and that worries me greatly. She knows this. She is concerned. But she is not concerned enough to do anything about it. She would rather just 'worry' about him saying in front of me 'oh honey, I hope everything is ok in your head' as she drops off in the morning, kissing his head.......

This is a daily struggle for me. I KNOW where he should be right now. I know that children develop at their own speed...but I also know, when there is something wrong. I've done this job for a very long time, and I've had many, many, many children to care for. I KNOW what I am talking about. And she knows I do. Two weeks ago, I met her at the door for pick up. A Friday night. I said 'ok, so, I have some homework for you'......she said 'uuuugggg oh now, what do you want me to do in my 'I don't have any time' weekend?'..... I ignored that comment and said 'It's quite simple. I have been trying to teach him the sign language for 'more'... (doing the sign to show her) and saying 'more' as I do it'. She rolled her eyes. I said 'now listen, you are constantly complaining to me about how he behaves at home. He behaves that way because he is frustrated. He has ABSOLUTELY NO communication skills except for crying. He cannot communicate to you his wants or needs so he screams and throws a fit. You NEED to help him. And the first thing we need to work on is 'more' because that is usually what he wants.....More of something'.......she actually said to me 'I don't have time for that'..............I wanted to scream............WTH is wrong with her???

The following week.....I am trying to communicate to him that I want him to sit down in his chair for lunch...he stands there, not a CLUE what I am saying.... I am patting the chair, showing him his food, trying every which way to communicate to him what I want him to do. It does not compute in his little head. It's like there is a plug that has been unplugged. So I have to finally, take his little hand and guide him over to the chair. Then, as he is sitting down I tell him 'sit down, good job!'......he smiles.....just because I'm talking to him, because he does not understand what I am saying. He just saw me smile and smiled back...... mom picks up that night......I asked her 'can you do me a favor and write down a list of what he understands so that I can work with that list. What words you use at home, because maybe I'm not using the same words and that may be why he doesn't understand me'......she said 'well, what are you trying to get him to do?'.......I said 'sit down'......she said 'oh he knows what that means.' I said 'he does???? She said 'yes, when he is in the tub and stands up I tell him 'NO sit down' and he sits'.... I said 'well, it's not the words SIT DOWN that he understands, it's the word "NO". He knows what that word means. So when he stands up and you say 'no' he sits back down.'. She said 'oh, ya, I guess you are right because when I tell him to sit down other times, he doesn't'......... I said 'well, what does he understand? what directions do you give him that he understands?'.......she said 'well, not much.'......then said 'well you know, both my kids were slow'....... ...

She picked up yesterday.......she asked how his day was. I said 'great! We are working on a real simple word, if you want to call it a word.....I'm trying to teach him to say 'uh oh' by building blocks and playing games. When the blocks fall we all say 'uh oh' Maybe you can work on that while he's home. At least it's a start'. .... she said 'uhhhhhhgggggg'......I took a deep breath, trying not to say what I WANTED to say but instead said 'maybe his sister can help'........she said 'oh she doesn't like to play learning games with him'.......like mother like daughter..........I said 'well, its not a teaching game, it's just playing and using that word'......... she said 'well, you know my kids are just slow' I said 'yes, I do know that, but you can help him you know'. ....... she just made her typical 'ugggg' and I said 'you know, I feel like I'm YOU talking to a parent who doesn't want to listen'....she said 'oh don't tell me that, I don't want to be one of those parents'......

so, after all this......... and believe me, I left out a TON...... what do you think of a mother, who just accepts that her child is slow? That doesn't want to help her son. Who wants to bury her head in the ground and pretend nothing is wrong or that the problems will go away if she ignores them? Who is a better advocate for a child than their own mother?? How can you just accept it and not do everything you possibly can to help him?? I just can't get my brain around that.....
I need to just stop talking to her about it. I really, really do. But it just BUGS me SO much. This poor child....... I give him all the attention I possibly can, while taking care of 5 other children. And his mother could give him one-on-one but doesn't want to............
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Old 10-07-2011, 02:44 PM
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I would surrender it and just try to make his every day be as sweet as you possibly can. It may mean changing your mind set to that he will need infant level care for the rest of his time with you.

Just love him up when you have him friend. Do everything you can with him and pay his parents no nevermind.
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Old 10-07-2011, 04:26 PM
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yeah it sounds like you have done everything you can do. you can't force a parent to care. she probably will do nothing until the problems are a problem on her time. right now, she is fine with him as is and doesn't care that it is interfering with daycare. hopefully this little guy catches up on his own. i have had one parent really neglect a child with issues as well and i know it is awful to watch. luckily my daycare mom starting caring when she realized that her 18 month old child was still not standing unassisted meanwhile kids as young as 10 months were running circles around her kid.
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Old 10-07-2011, 04:40 PM
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I see your in California and you should be able to contact your school district to get information about having him evaluated. I recently received a packet from our school district with a form to send in if a daycare has a child with speech delays and things of that nature.
If you can get him an evaluation, they will come to your daycare and do the evaluation there. Once they know where he stands they can get him into a program, they will even send a bus to pick him up and drop him off. Mom wont have to do a thing except sign the paperwork.
But on the flip side she knows something is wrong...maybe shes afraid to find out and cant face the truth. Its easier for her to deal with this problem with her head in the sand.
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Old 10-07-2011, 04:40 PM
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Do you think she would sign off on getting him evaluated? Here we have a local agency that works with child care providers when we see developmental or behavior concerns. If the parent will sign off on the paper, they will come in and do an initial intake assessment and see whether they should be further evaluated. I have done it with 3 kids here. 1 was a behavior issue that I actually ended up terming. The other 2 - 1 was speech and the other was developmental concerns. In both cases it was recommended that they get further assessments. This was back in March. Both children have mothers who are teachers. The speech one turned 3 and needs to go through the school for evaluation. It took until the end of June for them to finally decide to actually get him evaluated. The child is 3 1/2 and I can barely understand anything he says. He went for his first evaluation last week and they want him to come back in November for further testing. The other child is another story all together. Mom doesn't deal with it at all. The child does not have an official diagnosis because they won't take her for one but based on several assessments here it seems to be probably Aspergers. Whenever I ask mom about anything going on, she doesn't know. Dad deals with it. And she never "see's" any of the issues. Insists her daughter just does things in her own time. I just try to talk to dad whenever I can and try to work with her therapist that comes every other week. It's about all I can do. We just have to do what we can. When we give the parents the concerns, we have to let them decide what to do with it. All we can do is just give them the information and work with the child/ren when they are here.
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Old 10-07-2011, 04:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nannyde View Post
I would surrender it and just try to make his every day be as sweet as you possibly can. It may mean changing your mind set to that he will need infant level care for the rest of his time with you.

Just love him up when you have him friend. Do everything you can with him and pay his parents no nevermind.
Agreed....

Just went through something very similar, myself.

Exhausting, frustrating, but get's better once you let go of it.
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Old 10-07-2011, 04:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KBCsMommy View Post
I see your in California and you should be able to contact your school district to get information about having him evaluated. I recently received a packet from our school district with a form to send in if a daycare has a child with speech delays and things of that nature.
If you can get him an evaluation, they will come to your daycare and do the evaluation there. Once they know where he stands they can get him into a program, they will even send a bus to pick him up and drop him off. Mom wont have to do a thing except sign the paperwork.
But on the flip side she knows something is wrong...maybe shes afraid to find out and cant face the truth. Its easier for her to deal with this problem with her head in the sand.
Usually the school system is when they are 3 years old. Before that there is a program for 0-3 year olds. I would contact our local either First 5 or Resource and Referral agency. They can either do the initial assessment or tell you who to contact. The hard part is they will not do it without the parents consent.
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Old 10-07-2011, 08:15 PM
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I am hearing impaired (as an adult) but have experience w HI kids too. Maybe a hearing issue? I thought this as I read, especially when you mentioned sign. An HI child will recognize his name and no because those things are typically said loudly with direct eye contact. Just might want to check it out. Sometimes chronic ear infections/need adnoids removed is a 'curable' solution.
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Old 10-08-2011, 06:39 AM
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I thought about this a lot over night. You have 26 years experience so you definitely know it is clearly a developmental delay. But I am really concerned its hearing related. Try saying his name in a quiet voice from behind him and see if he turns around. I could be totally wrong, but I'm just sensitive to hearing impairment. I live with it every day. I have to look at peoples mouths when they talk to me. In a loud setting, like daycare, its even worse. I have to admit, sometimes I just smile and nod. But think about a hearing screening for the little guy. The parents will at least agree to that I hope. As for the parents not seeming to care, I have nothing to add. The others are right, you can't change parents so don't even try. They WILL care when they see how expensive hearing aids are. I choose not to use hearing aids (can't afford them), but I'm a gosh darn adult. Poor kid. PLEASE let me know what you think and keep me updated.
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Old 10-08-2011, 08:39 AM
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I was also thinking about this poor baby!! I completely agree with Sugar Magnolia about the hearing impairment issue.
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Old 10-08-2011, 09:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nannyde View Post
I would surrender it and just try to make his every day be as sweet as you possibly can. It may mean changing your mind set to that he will need infant level care for the rest of his time with you.

Just love him up when you have him friend. Do everything you can with him and pay his parents no nevermind.


Love this!! My thoughts exactly. Sounds to me like she shouldn't have had a 2nd child.
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Old 10-08-2011, 12:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KBCsMommy View Post
I see your in California and you should be able to contact your school district to get information about having him evaluated. I recently received a packet from our school district with a form to send in if a daycare has a child with speech delays and things of that nature.
If you can get him an evaluation, they will come to your daycare and do the evaluation there. Once they know where he stands they can get him into a program, they will even send a bus to pick him up and drop him off. Mom wont have to do a thing except sign the paperwork.
But on the flip side she knows something is wrong...maybe shes afraid to find out and cant face the truth. Its easier for her to deal with this problem with her head in the sand.
You would call your local Regional Center for evaluations not the school district because of his age.

http://www1.rcocdd.com/content/index...ers-california

Hope this helps!
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Old 10-08-2011, 01:30 PM
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I am there! I have a 3.5 year old in my care that I've been trying to teach him his own name for 6 months. EVERY DAY we play the same name game at circle, and he still can't say his own name. That's just an indicator of where he's at, there's of course much more.

I've spoken to mom. She's convinced that it's only a language delay. From here the ball is in her court. I've done my part and continue to support him however I can. From here on out it's moms decision and she's not interested in seeking supports yet. What else can you do? It's his parents job to decide. I feel like we can only support in our care, everything beyond our care is not my place.
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Old 10-09-2011, 08:31 AM
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It sounds like he is possibly deaf. I am deaf myself but I can hear a little bit if someone yelled.


When I was around his ages, I do hear when my mom yelled me, NO and my name too. I also read my mom lips when she tried to teach me "mama." She said I can speak like no and mama which I hear from her. At that time, I was two years old and my mother had concerned that I didn't speak a lot of words just like your daycare boy and she called my name quiet and I didn't respond her. She took me a hearing test and found out that I failed hearing screen. She realized that I am deaf at birth. She just accepted me and get me some help like to learn sign language.

You taught him with sign language that he learned quickly. That is reason he is smiling because he quickly learned from you when you said sit down. Your story sounds exactly like mine when I was a little girl. I would suggest to teach him sign language if you have signing time dvd and you will be surprised he learns faster just like I did. If I were me, I wouldn't mention again to his mother because it sounds like she don't want to deal with it. It is not your fault that you already tried. I would focus him to get some help. His mother will realize in later time.
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Old 10-09-2011, 11:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by safechner View Post
It sounds like he is possibly deaf. I am deaf myself but I can hear a little bit if someone yelled.


When I was around his ages, I do hear when my mom yelled me, NO and my name too. I also read my mom lips when she tried to teach me "mama." She said I can speak like no and mama which I hear from her. At that time, I was two years old and my mother had concerned that I didn't speak a lot of words just like your daycare boy and she called my name quiet and I didn't respond her. She took me a hearing test and found out that I failed hearing screen. She realized that I am deaf at birth. She just accepted me and get me some help like to learn sign language.

You taught him with sign language that he learned quickly. That is reason he is smiling because he quickly learned from you when you said sit down. Your story sounds exactly like mine when I was a little girl. I would suggest to teach him sign language if you have signing time dvd and you will be surprised he learns faster just like I did. If I were me, I wouldn't mention again to his mother because it sounds like she don't want to deal with it. It is not your fault that you already tried. I would focus him to get some help. His mother will realize in later time.
Greetings Safechner! The two of us can be the deaf/hard of hearing support group!
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Old 10-09-2011, 02:37 PM
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Greetings Safechner! The two of us can be the deaf/hard of hearing support group!
Awesome! I didn't know you are deaf or hoh but I am glad I am not only one.
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Old 10-09-2011, 03:35 PM
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Awesome! I didn't know you are deaf or hoh but I am glad I am not only one.
HOH. As an adult. Glad to know I'm not the only one too
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Old 10-10-2011, 07:28 AM
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Always nice to know there are other providers in the same boat. Working with kids that we may think have some reason to be concerned with their development and then trying to get the parents to listen to us and do something about it. To often they don't want to hear abou it.
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Old 10-10-2011, 08:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia View Post
I thought about this a lot over night. You have 26 years experience so you definitely know it is clearly a developmental delay. But I am really concerned its hearing related. Try saying his name in a quiet voice from behind him and see if he turns around..
I'm going to try this! I'll have to wait until it's quieter around here, usually first thing in the morning.
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Old 10-10-2011, 08:50 AM
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To continue my story...................

The mom has asked me several times how much he sleeps during the day. She would like me to give him 2 naps a day as she does at home on the weekends. He is almost 20 mo. I told her that he is not tired in the morning. There is no way I could get him to nap in the morning. I asked her why, she told me because he is a mess at night. He's crabby, screaming, controllable until they put him to bed (at 6:30).he is picked up at 5:00...... she joked that maybe he is just bored at home....Could be. He is very busy here during the day.
He is in bed by 6:30 pm and up at 6am....my house at 7am until 5pm...mornings are rush, rush with the mom getting herself ready and her 4 yr old and the little one.....no quality time in the morning...from 5-6:30 it's hurry hurry getting dinner...4 yr old demanding attention...the boy doesn't get much I am guessing... His weekend schedule is almost the same.12 hours of sleep at night with 2 long naps (9:00 - 11:00am and again 2:00-4:00)...so, this 20 month old boy is sleeping 16 hours out of a 24 hour day......he is awake approx. 18 hours in a weekend..........she feels that he has his 'meltdowns' because he needs more sleep.........

Ok....... I have to bite my tongue when she says that to me.........
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Old 10-10-2011, 08:58 AM
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The sister also has learning disabilities that the mom has ignored......
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