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Old 06-05-2013, 08:56 PM
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Default How To Speak With Parents About Self-Help Skills

We have a 23 month old DCG, who is extremely limited with her self-help skills.

She is VERY VERY immature, and until recently I didn't believe it was due to any developmental delay. I had always blamed it on her parents babying her to an extraordinary degree. DCG is 23 months, and at home they have baby gates up everywhere - never giving her the opportunity to learn that there are rules. She is spoon fed almost everything, she is dressed like an infant (onesies with no pants, etc -at almost 2), has a pacifier 24/7 at home. The other day my mother, who is a realtor on the side, went over their house to give real estate advice - and saw a baby swing and turns out mom puts DCG in the swing when she takes a shower. AT 23 MONTHS OLD !!! . I truly think they think of her as a baby.

We typically move children into the preschool class/group at 18 months, and we just moved her because she just wasn't mature enough to handle doing semi-structured activities, and had her paci full-time and those aren't allowed in with the preschoolers. We have finally moved her and she is doing alright.

However, I assumed that once we moved her in with the bigger kids her skills would advance. Upon paying closer attention, and working with her - I am noticing just how dependent she is.

She cannot take her shoes off, she can't use a spoon (not looking for perfection - just an attempt), she sometimes listens to simple one-step directions, she can't help to wash her own face after meals (once again, not looking for perfection - just an attempt). I can't imagine her attempting to execute using the toilet (we aren't there yet, but she IS almost 2).

With all these actions, I show her how to do them, and then ask her to try and her hands just go limp.

I really would like to bring this up with Mom, that some of her self-help skills need to be advanced - but I don't want to offend her...

Upon noticing the severity (not being able to imitate), I am also concerned that they might be due to some sort of developmental issue, but due to the amount of babying going on at home (DCG is home with mom 2 days of the week) it is hard to discern what is going on.
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Old 06-05-2013, 09:06 PM
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Originally Posted by blandino View Post
We have a 23 month old DCG, who is extremely limited with her self-help skills.

She is VERY VERY immature, and until recently I didn't believe it was due to any developmental delay. I had always blamed it on her parents babying her to an extraordinary degree. DCG is 23 months, and at home they have baby gates up everywhere - never giving her the opportunity to learn that there are rules. She is spoon fed almost everything, she is dressed like an infant (onesies with no pants, etc -at almost 2), has a pacifier 24/7 at home. The other day my mother, who is a realtor on the side, went over their house to give real estate advice - and saw a baby swing and turns out mom puts DCG in the swing when she takes a shower. AT 23 MONTHS OLD !!! . I truly think they think of her as a baby.

We typically move children into the preschool class/group at 18 months, and we just moved her because she just wasn't mature enough to handle doing semi-structured activities, and had her paci full-time and those aren't allowed in with the preschoolers. We have finally moved her and she is doing alright.

However, I assumed that once we moved her in with the bigger kids her skills would advance. Upon paying closer attention, and working with her - I am noticing just how dependent she is.

She cannot take her shoes off, she can't use a spoon (not looking for perfection - just an attempt), she sometimes listens to simple one-step directions, she can't help to wash her own face after meals (once again, not looking for perfection - just an attempt). I can't imagine her attempting to execute using the toilet (we aren't there yet, but she IS almost 2).

With all these actions, I show her how to do them, and then ask her to try and her hands just go limp.

I really would like to bring this up with Mom, that some of her self-help skills need to be advanced - but I don't want to offend her...

Upon noticing the severity (not being able to imitate), I am also concerned that they might be due to some sort of developmental issue, but due to the amount of babying going on at home (DCG is home with mom 2 days of the week) it is hard to discern what is going on.
can I ask what background this family is??
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Old 06-05-2013, 09:08 PM
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Caucasian, run of the mill stereotypical mid-westerners. Mom is a nurse, Dad a police officer.

I hope that was what you were asking ?!? There are no cultural reasons I can think of for the babying.
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Old 06-06-2013, 03:47 AM
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I have this same kid!!!!!!! I could have typed this post (minus the swing, I think.....) but he can speak REALLY well so I don't have developmental concerns AT ALL.

Can't undress anything, even slip on shoes like crocs he can't take off. Is spoon fed at home, only pureed food (that's actually going really well HERE now but it was rough going for a while) I trained him like an infant, gradually increasing consistency/textures and doing finger foods he would have to pincer grip. Still gets a bottle at meals/naps. Still in a onesie and size 3 diapers (even though he obviously needs a 4). When asked, the parents give his age in months, or round down (so they KNOW it appears odd!).

I had a sit down with the parents and all of my concerns and allowed them to see him seated a table of his peers during a meal. Completely helpless and unable to feed himself. I told them that their actions were holding him back. They got on board to change things (although I highly doubt the no bottle at home now because dck still asks me for one EVERY DAY. "Can I have a baba please?" ) AAAAACCKKKKK NO!!!!!!

Good luck!
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Old 06-06-2013, 04:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blandino View Post
We have a 23 month old DCG, who is extremely limited with her self-help skills.

She is VERY VERY immature, and until recently I didn't believe it was due to any developmental delay. I had always blamed it on her parents babying her to an extraordinary degree. DCG is 23 months, and at home they have baby gates up everywhere - never giving her the opportunity to learn that there are rules. She is spoon fed almost everything, she is dressed like an infant (onesies with no pants, etc -at almost 2), has a pacifier 24/7 at home. The other day my mother, who is a realtor on the side, went over their house to give real estate advice - and saw a baby swing and turns out mom puts DCG in the swing when she takes a shower. AT 23 MONTHS OLD !!! . I truly think they think of her as a baby.

We typically move children into the preschool class/group at 18 months, and we just moved her because she just wasn't mature enough to handle doing semi-structured activities, and had her paci full-time and those aren't allowed in with the preschoolers. We have finally moved her and she is doing alright.

However, I assumed that once we moved her in with the bigger kids her skills would advance. Upon paying closer attention, and working with her - I am noticing just how dependent she is.

She cannot take her shoes off, she can't use a spoon (not looking for perfection - just an attempt), she sometimes listens to simple one-step directions, she can't help to wash her own face after meals (once again, not looking for perfection - just an attempt). I can't imagine her attempting to execute using the toilet (we aren't there yet, but she IS almost 2).

With all these actions, I show her how to do them, and then ask her to try and her hands just go limp.

I really would like to bring this up with Mom, that some of her self-help skills need to be advanced - but I don't want to offend her...

Upon noticing the severity (not being able to imitate), I am also concerned that they might be due to some sort of developmental issue, but due to the amount of babying going on at home (DCG is home with mom 2 days of the week) it is hard to discern what is going on.
I have a child who used to be like this yet not as severe. The parents told me I'd be amazed at her self help skills. She was 3. I sent her to go potty and she just stood there. Didn't know how to pull pants down or get on the potty! Parents did everything for her. She acted like a baby and barely spoke here. It's funny how even they way she walked was babyish. She was living up to what the parents conveyed about her. She was a baby. Thankfully she is a full time girl and in time things improved. Dad still babies her a little but has made progress. I told both parents they were stifling her development and that by doing everything for her they were telling her she was not capable.
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Old 06-06-2013, 05:21 AM
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I have a 2 1/2 yr old dcb who is the same way. He is very big for his age (40 pounds wears size 4 clothes) and his parents call him The Baby all the time. He doesn't talk, well he makes a few sounds but cannot understand anything. They had him in size 4 diapers and my 14 month old was in size 4's. They were very small on him and he leaked so I asked them to get a bigger size. He's still tight in the size 5's. The only clothing he can take off of himself is his socks and cannot put any article of clothes on by himself. When I try to work with him to undress or dress he cries and just stands there. I finally took his pacifier away here at 24 months but it was several months later before mom and dad took it away at home. His mom finally got worried about him not talking now that my 15 month old is chattering away and can be understood. She made an appointment for him to see a speech therapist but the dad is upset and thinks dcb is perfectly fine. I work with him to be independent and things will go ok until he's home for a few days then he comes back and we start all over again.
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Old 06-06-2013, 07:13 AM
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I honestly think that MOST of these situations are just parents who don't know better. They've never done it before, so they do what they THINK needs to be done. A gentle prod can help-tell parents about the kid's achievements at daycare-let them know that the kid is capable of more.
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Old 06-06-2013, 07:39 AM
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I have learned to never discuss how they choose to raise their kids.

BUT I have also learned that when I make announcements of huge accomplishments with certificates parents notice and start to follow suit.

Sometimes they simply don't notice how much the kid has grown up that year and the kid is happy to play along for the pampering....
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Old 06-06-2013, 09:58 AM
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I had a dck who couldn't even take off his shirt, put on sandal shoes, go potty or do ANYTHING for himself at age 4.

And if you asked for him to do it he'd cry and throw a fit.

Mom mentioned he couldn't do anything for himself. Quickly, I learned that it was because when he was a baby, he had to go under surgery for something going on w/ his heart, and after that, mom never EVER let him do anything, as to not cause him undue stress. (Though the DOCTORS said it was fine to let him be a regular kid).

It was sad to see bc sister who was only 1 1/2 could do all these things and was almost potty trained and everything. The parents treated them differently. I, however, did not.

Things started to turn around and the parents were ok with me training him. But they still babied him at home and he'd cry every evening when they'd pickup. I always thought it was because he didn't WANT to be babied anymore.
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Old 06-06-2013, 10:42 AM
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I agree with Leigh, especially when the child seems like they are developmentally where they should be, except for the self help part. I also think that some parents do need to see other children around their child's age so that they can see what children their child's age can do for themselves. I'm not saying to compare all children or that they all need to be at the same level, but there are certain self help skills that children should possess by a certain age.
A little off subject, but I have a 20 mo. old here who can't say not one word. Mom and dad mentioned their concern when he first started here 3 months ago and we decided to observe him together and give it a little to see if he would start talking, but nothing. Mom came to me this week and said that her older daughters were around their cousin who is 2 months younger than him (dcb) and that she was speaking in full sentences. Now the mom is going to get him evaluated. My point to this story is sometimes parents do not realize that their child should be doing things appropriate for their age and when they see other children doing it then sometimes it turns on a light and makes them realize that their child can do more than they think! I'm not saying in all cases, but most.
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Old 06-06-2013, 01:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Leigh View Post
I honestly think that MOST of these situations are just parents who don't know better. They've never done it before, so they do what they THINK needs to be done. A gentle prod can help-tell parents about the kid's achievements at daycare-let them know that the kid is capable of more.
I totally agree - that and society's attitude that "good parents" are the ones who does everything for their children, never let them get hurt, never make them wait or let them be frustrated, etc.

I'd get a copy of Love & Logic Magic for Early Childhood and share it with them. Love & Logic is all about helping children grow into independent people who can do things for themselves.

Also, general child development charts or articles about what typical 2 yr olds should be able to do may help DCM see that her child in a new light.
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Old 06-06-2013, 04:45 PM
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Originally Posted by AmyKidsCo View Post
I totally agree - that and society's attitude that "good parents" are the ones who does everything for their children, never let them get hurt, never make them wait or let them be frustrated, etc.

I'd get a copy of Love & Logic Magic for Early Childhood and share it with them. Love & Logic is all about helping children grow into independent people who can do things for themselves.

Also, general child development charts or articles about what typical 2 yr olds should be able to do may help DCM see that her child in a new light.
THANK YOU ALL !!

Yes, we actually base a lot of our philosophy on Love and Logic. I also think I will start mentioning what we are working on, and maybe asking DCG to do some of the things in front of DCM (take shoes off, put them in cubby, etc).
Maybe sending notes home about what we are working with her on.
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Old 06-06-2013, 05:23 PM
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THANK YOU ALL !!

Yes, we actually base a lot of our philosophy on Love and Logic. I also think I will start mentioning what we are working on, and maybe asking DCG to do some of the things in front of DCM (take shoes off, put them in cubby, etc).
Maybe sending notes home about what we are working with her on.
I think that's a great way to approach this. Just simply say "in the preschool class we work on getting the kids independent at self help skills so I'll be letting you know what we are working on here so you can do it at home too!" Just be cheery, act like you assume DCPs are on board. No real need to mention how behind she is.
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Old 06-06-2013, 05:29 PM
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I think that's a great way to approach this. Just simply say "in the preschool class we work on getting the kids independent at self help skills so I'll be letting you know what we are working on here so you can do it at home too!" Just be cheery, act like you assume DCPs are on board. No real need to mention how behind she is.
YES !!! Hopefully that will get the wheels turning for her.
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