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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Boundaries...Guess Which Family!
SilverSabre25 02:53 PM 03-31-2011
Those of you who have noticed a trend with my recent posts can probably guess which family is now having boundary issues...yep, dcg 9 mos!!
I started yesterday having all dcg's things ready to go and by the door, and us being down in the playroom, thus giving DCM no cause to venture upstairs. She came in, picked up dcg's stuff, came downstairs to get dcg, and went upstairs to sit on the couch in the living room and dress dcg. I was a bit irked...I was NOT up there and she could have dressed dcg on the floor or by the door. Everyone else manages it, except the pg dcm who has been with me for almost a year...
So today, same thing. DCM goes upstairs even though it's unneeded, and takes a very, very long time getting dcg ready to go. It was suspiciously quiet, so I had DH wander up here. She was out the door not long after.
Tomorrow, I'm going to have the gate shut at the top of the stairs. If she still comes upstairs to dress dcg, then on Monday there will be a sign saying "NO DON"T YOU DARE!!!" (okay, well not those words exactly, but you get the idea!). I'm not saying anything to her...not yet...this is a silent battle and I'm curious to discover what it takes. I might be issuing her two weeks' notice tomorrow anyway if tonight's interview works out.
Something just seems sketchy and, I don't know, presumptuous I guess, about the way dcm keeps taking herself upstairs even when she doesn't need to. Maybe I'm over-reacting. Maybe not. Still bugs me.
I started yesterday having all dcg's things ready to go and by the door, and us being down in the playroom, thus giving DCM no cause to venture upstairs. She came in, picked up dcg's stuff, came downstairs to get dcg, and went upstairs to sit on the couch in the living room and dress dcg. I was a bit irked...I was NOT up there and she could have dressed dcg on the floor or by the door. Everyone else manages it, except the pg dcm who has been with me for almost a year...
So today, same thing. DCM goes upstairs even though it's unneeded, and takes a very, very long time getting dcg ready to go. It was suspiciously quiet, so I had DH wander up here. She was out the door not long after.
Tomorrow, I'm going to have the gate shut at the top of the stairs. If she still comes upstairs to dress dcg, then on Monday there will be a sign saying "NO DON"T YOU DARE!!!" (okay, well not those words exactly, but you get the idea!). I'm not saying anything to her...not yet...this is a silent battle and I'm curious to discover what it takes. I might be issuing her two weeks' notice tomorrow anyway if tonight's interview works out.
Something just seems sketchy and, I don't know, presumptuous I guess, about the way dcm keeps taking herself upstairs even when she doesn't need to. Maybe I'm over-reacting. Maybe not. Still bugs me.
momatheart 03:04 PM 03-31-2011
Have dcg dressed before mom shows up along with your gate up she may get the hint.
Kaddidle Care 03:05 PM 03-31-2011
Maybe she's checking out your house and trying to steal from you. Keep an eye on her!
missnikki 03:17 PM 03-31-2011
You might put up a sign that says "PRIVATE AREA- PLEASE STAY OUT". Then ask her, "Did you see my new sign? I had to put it up because the parents need to keep to the playroom. Please make sure to dress her in here."
Or is that too confrontational? (I told you all I'm not on the full moon cycle, having trouble staying nice today...
)
Or is that too confrontational? (I told you all I'm not on the full moon cycle, having trouble staying nice today...
)
nannyde 03:35 PM 03-31-2011
This behavior is seen in the animal world. It's marking territory. It's a dominance behavior. She's showing you that when she is in your home that she is the boss.
Dogs do it by peeing on the exact spot another dog has peed on.
She feels that if you care for her child that anytime she is in your presence that she has a right to every obvious area and ANY gray area in your home/daycare. She most likely won't go into your bedroom (although I have heard of that happening) but she will feel free to "pee on the spot" of any area that her child could possibly ever be in.
She exaggerates the time she uses the area as a dominance behavior too. She has to get the point across so a quick trip to your couch wouldn't work.
Stalling it by taking a long time also stalls her having to completely take over with her child. As soon as she walks out the door the kid is on her clock. She wants to buy as much "shared" time when you are "at her service" to show both dominance and to delay when she is on the clock and you no longer work for her.
You will see she will undo or redo whatever you do to get the kid out the door. If you don't have her coat on she will put it on. If you do have her coat on she will take it off. If you have her face cleaned she will find boogies and have to have her nose cleaned. She'll want you to get her a tissue and then want you to dispose of it. She will say the child is wet and needs to be changed. Whatever it takes for her to "my child" you she will do.
The only reason she would act like this is if she senses you are weak. It's time to show her you are not. Many times people like this actually settle down and become very nice clients once they know you are strong and will manage them if you need to. Truly strong people APPRECIATE strength when seen in others. If she is testing you to see if you are up to it then show her you are.
You need to just tell her that the area is off limits. You can be nice and just say "I don't use that area for day care". It's not personal.. it's just the rule. When she is stalling say to her "time for you guys to scoot... I'm off the clock". You don't have to be rude... just kind but firm.
Start using your words and your business tone. You never know... she might just settle down.
Dogs do it by peeing on the exact spot another dog has peed on.
She feels that if you care for her child that anytime she is in your presence that she has a right to every obvious area and ANY gray area in your home/daycare. She most likely won't go into your bedroom (although I have heard of that happening) but she will feel free to "pee on the spot" of any area that her child could possibly ever be in.
She exaggerates the time she uses the area as a dominance behavior too. She has to get the point across so a quick trip to your couch wouldn't work.
Stalling it by taking a long time also stalls her having to completely take over with her child. As soon as she walks out the door the kid is on her clock. She wants to buy as much "shared" time when you are "at her service" to show both dominance and to delay when she is on the clock and you no longer work for her.
You will see she will undo or redo whatever you do to get the kid out the door. If you don't have her coat on she will put it on. If you do have her coat on she will take it off. If you have her face cleaned she will find boogies and have to have her nose cleaned. She'll want you to get her a tissue and then want you to dispose of it. She will say the child is wet and needs to be changed. Whatever it takes for her to "my child" you she will do.
The only reason she would act like this is if she senses you are weak. It's time to show her you are not. Many times people like this actually settle down and become very nice clients once they know you are strong and will manage them if you need to. Truly strong people APPRECIATE strength when seen in others. If she is testing you to see if you are up to it then show her you are.
You need to just tell her that the area is off limits. You can be nice and just say "I don't use that area for day care". It's not personal.. it's just the rule. When she is stalling say to her "time for you guys to scoot... I'm off the clock". You don't have to be rude... just kind but firm.
Start using your words and your business tone. You never know... she might just settle down.
cheerfuldom 03:42 PM 03-31-2011
it almost reminds me of that book "if you give a mouse a cookie"....if you give a parent a child with a coat on, they will have to take the coat off, once the coat is off, they will need a tissue.....
PitterPatter 03:48 PM 03-31-2011
Originally Posted by cheerfuldom:
it almost reminds me of that book "if you give a mouse a cookie"....if you give a parent a child with a coat on, they will have to take the coat off, once the coat is off, they will need a tissue.....
LMBO!!!! yeah it does!!!it almost reminds me of that book "if you give a mouse a cookie"....if you give a parent a child with a coat on, they will have to take the coat off, once the coat is off, they will need a tissue.....
PitterPatter 03:52 PM 03-31-2011
Originally Posted by SilverSabre25:
Those of you who have noticed a trend with my recent posts can probably guess which family is now having boundary issues...yep, dcg 9 mos!!
I started yesterday having all dcg's things ready to go and by the door, and us being down in the playroom, thus giving DCM no cause to venture upstairs. She came in, picked up dcg's stuff, came downstairs to get dcg, and went upstairs to sit on the couch in the living room and dress dcg. I was a bit irked...I was NOT up there and she could have dressed dcg on the floor or by the door. Everyone else manages it, except the pg dcm who has been with me for almost a year...
So today, same thing. DCM goes upstairs even though it's unneeded, and takes a very, very long time getting dcg ready to go. It was suspiciously quiet, so I had DH wander up here. She was out the door not long after.
Tomorrow, I'm going to have the gate shut at the top of the stairs. If she still comes upstairs to dress dcg, then on Monday there will be a sign saying "NO DON"T YOU DARE!!!" (okay, well not those words exactly, but you get the idea!). I'm not saying anything to her...not yet...this is a silent battle and I'm curious to discover what it takes. I might be issuing her two weeks' notice tomorrow anyway if tonight's interview works out.
Something just seems sketchy and, I don't know, presumptuous I guess, about the way dcm keeps taking herself upstairs even when she doesn't need to. Maybe I'm over-reacting. Maybe not. Still bugs me.
I must admit I would be suspicious but then I have reason. I had a prob with a Mom always using my bathroom so I snuck up the stairs 1 day and listened by the door. She was opening my medicine cabinet (squeak) and towel closet. Perhaps simply snooping but still it is MY private home! From then on I would have my son or someone just happen to be using the bathroom or getting a shower etc. She finally got the hint.Those of you who have noticed a trend with my recent posts can probably guess which family is now having boundary issues...yep, dcg 9 mos!!
I started yesterday having all dcg's things ready to go and by the door, and us being down in the playroom, thus giving DCM no cause to venture upstairs. She came in, picked up dcg's stuff, came downstairs to get dcg, and went upstairs to sit on the couch in the living room and dress dcg. I was a bit irked...I was NOT up there and she could have dressed dcg on the floor or by the door. Everyone else manages it, except the pg dcm who has been with me for almost a year...
So today, same thing. DCM goes upstairs even though it's unneeded, and takes a very, very long time getting dcg ready to go. It was suspiciously quiet, so I had DH wander up here. She was out the door not long after.
Tomorrow, I'm going to have the gate shut at the top of the stairs. If she still comes upstairs to dress dcg, then on Monday there will be a sign saying "NO DON"T YOU DARE!!!" (okay, well not those words exactly, but you get the idea!). I'm not saying anything to her...not yet...this is a silent battle and I'm curious to discover what it takes. I might be issuing her two weeks' notice tomorrow anyway if tonight's interview works out.
Something just seems sketchy and, I don't know, presumptuous I guess, about the way dcm keeps taking herself upstairs even when she doesn't need to. Maybe I'm over-reacting. Maybe not. Still bugs me.
cheerfuldom 03:58 PM 03-31-2011
You all are too nice. I would have straight out said, I'm sorry but this area if for family use only. You aren't allowed to go here.
AfterSchoolMom 04:16 PM 03-31-2011
Can you gate off the bottom AND top of the stairs? I'd do that AND post a sign. Make it really obvious and then you won't have to say a word.
momatheart 05:53 PM 03-31-2011
Originally Posted by cheerfuldom:
it almost reminds me of that book "if you give a mouse a cookie"....if you give a parent a child with a coat on, they will have to take the coat off, once the coat is off, they will need a tissue.....
I love this too funny. it almost reminds me of that book "if you give a mouse a cookie"....if you give a parent a child with a coat on, they will have to take the coat off, once the coat is off, they will need a tissue.....
I never thought of that before NannyD that they would take the coat off if on or find a boogie to take care of etc.
wdmmom 06:15 PM 03-31-2011
I changed my new contract a few weeks ago. I now have a new sentence in my pick up and drop off section.
Parents are not allowed beyond the foyer of the home unless they are invited in.
I haven't had an issue since.
Parents are not allowed beyond the foyer of the home unless they are invited in.
I haven't had an issue since.