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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>OT - Could Use Some Advise And Comfort - Sorry Very Long
Unregistered 05:03 PM 09-21-2012
I'm registered, logged out for privacy. I know this is not daycare related but I can't get on my normal parenting forum and need to vent/pour my heart out about a major family situation happening this week.
I am currently pregnant with my third child. DH and I postponed getting pregnant a few months because his little sister was having trouble conceiving her first child and we wanted to wait until they made it through their first infertility treatment hoping that it would work. She was having a tough time coping with the infertility. The treatment worked and we were soon celebrating both of our pregnancies. Over the last several months we have talked about how amazing it is that our little ones would grow up together and be only a few months apart. I was set to provider child care for her baby boy after my maternity leave.
Our joy turned to fear a few weeks ago when she was rear-ended by someone too busy texting to pay attention to where he was going. Her back and neck hurt terribly and because she was nearly 7 months pregnant she took an ambulance to the ER to be checked out. She started having contractions and they kept her over night. The contractions stopped on their own and she was released. She went back a few days later for a check up and she was measuring very small. The u/s showed the baby was still growing and at the right size but her fluid had gone down a lot. They did more tests and let her go. We had her shower the next day and the following day she went in again for a check up. They admitted her right away and she spent the next two weeks in the hospital. All of her fluid was gone by that time and they determined that her uterus had torn in the accident. The baby was doing ok so they wanted to try to keep him in there until 35 weeks so that he would be more fully developed. At 34 weeks (this past Monday) she began dilating and contracting and they did an emergency c-section. He wasn't breathing when he was born and had aspirated part of the placenta and went without air for too long. His kidneys were not working and was bleeding internally though they didn't know where.
We all got a big shock last night when the doctors determined this wasn't all due to the accident. His brain was not fully developed. My husband just called and told me they are taking him off of life support. I have parents coming in less than five minutes and I'm crying my eyes out. There are so many things going through my head right now. I can't imagine what they are going through. How they will be going home to the beautiful nursery they just finished with no baby. How do I even talk about my pregnancy? I'm a mess.
I am currently pregnant with my third child. DH and I postponed getting pregnant a few months because his little sister was having trouble conceiving her first child and we wanted to wait until they made it through their first infertility treatment hoping that it would work. She was having a tough time coping with the infertility. The treatment worked and we were soon celebrating both of our pregnancies. Over the last several months we have talked about how amazing it is that our little ones would grow up together and be only a few months apart. I was set to provider child care for her baby boy after my maternity leave.
Our joy turned to fear a few weeks ago when she was rear-ended by someone too busy texting to pay attention to where he was going. Her back and neck hurt terribly and because she was nearly 7 months pregnant she took an ambulance to the ER to be checked out. She started having contractions and they kept her over night. The contractions stopped on their own and she was released. She went back a few days later for a check up and she was measuring very small. The u/s showed the baby was still growing and at the right size but her fluid had gone down a lot. They did more tests and let her go. We had her shower the next day and the following day she went in again for a check up. They admitted her right away and she spent the next two weeks in the hospital. All of her fluid was gone by that time and they determined that her uterus had torn in the accident. The baby was doing ok so they wanted to try to keep him in there until 35 weeks so that he would be more fully developed. At 34 weeks (this past Monday) she began dilating and contracting and they did an emergency c-section. He wasn't breathing when he was born and had aspirated part of the placenta and went without air for too long. His kidneys were not working and was bleeding internally though they didn't know where.
We all got a big shock last night when the doctors determined this wasn't all due to the accident. His brain was not fully developed. My husband just called and told me they are taking him off of life support. I have parents coming in less than five minutes and I'm crying my eyes out. There are so many things going through my head right now. I can't imagine what they are going through. How they will be going home to the beautiful nursery they just finished with no baby. How do I even talk about my pregnancy? I'm a mess.
Blackcat31 05:19 PM 09-21-2012
I wish I knew what to say. 
I think sometimes there really are no words that fit but just knowing there is someone out there thinking about you helps.
I know this is hard and I know this is not at all something that could have been stopped from happening as I believe that God sometimes has a bigger plan for things.
I don't know if you are at all religious but I really hope you do have some sort of faith that you can lean on in this troubling time.
I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Wishing you some peace and comfort from my heart to yours. ((((
))))
I think sometimes there really are no words that fit but just knowing there is someone out there thinking about you helps.
I know this is hard and I know this is not at all something that could have been stopped from happening as I believe that God sometimes has a bigger plan for things.
I don't know if you are at all religious but I really hope you do have some sort of faith that you can lean on in this troubling time.
I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Wishing you some peace and comfort from my heart to yours. ((((
))))
Meeko 05:27 PM 09-21-2012
So many hugs comin' your way right now. I will remember you in my prayers tonight and your sweet SIL. I wish you strength and comfort. It sounds like you are a close family...a blessing indeed. May you all be comforted as you go through this.
Sunchimes 05:29 PM 09-21-2012
Blackcat was so eloquent that there isn't much I can add. You and your family are in my thoughts.
Crystal 05:31 PM 09-21-2012
My thoughts and prayers are with you, your SIL and both of your families. I am so sorry for her loss. Big hugs to you and yours.
momofsix 05:34 PM 09-21-2012
Oh how heartbreaking, I'm so sorry. There are no words to make it better at a time like this,but know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
familyschoolcare 05:45 PM 09-21-2012
Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. As far as talking about your pregnancy follow the example of Job's friends and wait for your SIL to talk first when she is ready to hear how your pregnancy is going she will ask.
rbmom 06:43 PM 09-21-2012
I am so sorry!! Many prayers for you all.
sharlan 07:29 PM 09-21-2012
Big hugs, thoughts and prayers to all concerned.
I totally understand where you are coming from. I understand the emotions way too well.
I totally understand where you are coming from. I understand the emotions way too well.
MyAngels 08:28 PM 09-21-2012
Oh my gosh, what a heartbreaking and difficult thing for all of you to go through. I'm so sorry for both of your families. I will add my prayers for all of you as well. (((Hugs)))
Unregistered 09:08 PM 09-21-2012
Thank you all. I was going a bit crazy sitting here by myself trying to keep it together while the kids were still here and I just needed to get that out. He passed away quickly in his mommy's arms. My in-laws are getting them a nice room at a bed and breakfast so they don't have to go home until they are ready.
We got more information from the doctors. They had thought that his brain was underdeveloped but the MRI showed it was the major infection he got while in the womb after the accident. It somehow makes it all harder knowing this whole thing could have been avoided if the driver had been paying attention. Please don't ever text or make a call while driving ever again!!!!!
DH and I are having a hard time feeling guilty over having two perfect healthy kids and another on the way. I've already decided I won't be having a shower. The thought of celebrating a couple months from now is unbearable.
Is it appropriate to post something on my daycare FB page just warning that I will be closed sometime next week for the funeral? I don't yet know when it will be and since its the weekend I want to somehow give them as much notice as possible but don't really want to call them all.
Thank you all again.
We got more information from the doctors. They had thought that his brain was underdeveloped but the MRI showed it was the major infection he got while in the womb after the accident. It somehow makes it all harder knowing this whole thing could have been avoided if the driver had been paying attention. Please don't ever text or make a call while driving ever again!!!!!
DH and I are having a hard time feeling guilty over having two perfect healthy kids and another on the way. I've already decided I won't be having a shower. The thought of celebrating a couple months from now is unbearable.
Is it appropriate to post something on my daycare FB page just warning that I will be closed sometime next week for the funeral? I don't yet know when it will be and since its the weekend I want to somehow give them as much notice as possible but don't really want to call them all.
Thank you all again.
Oneluckymom 11:47 PM 09-21-2012
There really are no words that can be said in times like these, just lots of love and support. My thoughts and prayers are with you all as well.
As far as disclosing your own pregnancy.... Given some time you will know when the time is right.
Wishing everyone there all my best in such a difficult time.
As far as disclosing your own pregnancy.... Given some time you will know when the time is right.
Wishing everyone there all my best in such a difficult time.
SilverSabre25 06:14 AM 09-22-2012
Oh, my goodness, I am so sorry for your family's loss. My thoughts are with your whole family right now. What a tragic, tragic loss.
Happy Hearts 08:05 AM 09-22-2012
Please don't feel any guilt about your own pregnancy. All babies are special and deserve all the love and joy regardless of outside circumstances that are out of his/her control. I'm not saying to be insensitive to your sister-in-law, she needs your comfort right now. I just think that you should be just as happy and delighted with your pregnancy (not in front of her, of course) as you were before this tragedy. Survivor guilt can be devastating and I really wouldn't want your baby to pay for the other baby's death.
I really can't say one way or another about having the baby shower. It's more for the adults to share the joy of the birth of the new baby; a get-together solely for the purpose of showering the baby with love from friends and family. You and your baby will miss out on that. Of course, the baby won't know the difference. Whatever you feel in your heart will be the right choice.
Both of my kids were pregnant at the same time. Due within 2 months of each other. One lost the baby, I've never been so sad in my whole life, EVER. My daughter's baby is now 6 months old and my son's baby is in heaven. I can tell you from experience that it is a very sad situation. As the grandma, I would in one moment be comforting my son and daughter in law and crying over the loss of the baby. My heart was so heavy with grief. Then, I would visit my daughter, and be so overjoyed with the thought of holding my little grandson and being captivated by his presence. I would hate to think that any love or affection was less (because of guilt or whatever) for my new grandson because of the special angel's death. I still grieve for her and can become teary eyed (sobbing as I write this) whenever I think of the life she could have had with my son as he so wanted to be a daddy. But now my little angel is in heaven watching over us and celebrating my little grandson's life as she sits at God's feet..
Bless you, in your time of sorrow.
I really can't say one way or another about having the baby shower. It's more for the adults to share the joy of the birth of the new baby; a get-together solely for the purpose of showering the baby with love from friends and family. You and your baby will miss out on that. Of course, the baby won't know the difference. Whatever you feel in your heart will be the right choice.
Both of my kids were pregnant at the same time. Due within 2 months of each other. One lost the baby, I've never been so sad in my whole life, EVER. My daughter's baby is now 6 months old and my son's baby is in heaven. I can tell you from experience that it is a very sad situation. As the grandma, I would in one moment be comforting my son and daughter in law and crying over the loss of the baby. My heart was so heavy with grief. Then, I would visit my daughter, and be so overjoyed with the thought of holding my little grandson and being captivated by his presence. I would hate to think that any love or affection was less (because of guilt or whatever) for my new grandson because of the special angel's death. I still grieve for her and can become teary eyed (sobbing as I write this) whenever I think of the life she could have had with my son as he so wanted to be a daddy. But now my little angel is in heaven watching over us and celebrating my little grandson's life as she sits at God's feet..
Bless you, in your time of sorrow.
e.j. 09:41 AM 09-22-2012
Originally Posted by Sparrow:
Please don't feel any guilt about your own pregnancy. All babies are special and deserve all the love and joy regardless of outside circumstances that are out of his/her control. I'm not saying to be insensitive to your sister-in-law, she needs your comfort right now. I just think that you should be just as happy and delighted with your pregnancy (not in front of her, of course) as you were before this tragedy. Survivor guilt can be devastating and I really wouldn't want your baby to pay for the other baby's death.
OP and Sparrow, I'm so sorry for both of your losses. I would second this thought, though. I know it's hard to feel the same kind of joy you did before the accident happened but please try not to feel guilty about the happiness you feel over your pregnancy. Mourn for the baby who was lost but don't hesitate to celebrate the pregnancy and birth of your own child. Please don't feel any guilt about your own pregnancy. All babies are special and deserve all the love and joy regardless of outside circumstances that are out of his/her control. I'm not saying to be insensitive to your sister-in-law, she needs your comfort right now. I just think that you should be just as happy and delighted with your pregnancy (not in front of her, of course) as you were before this tragedy. Survivor guilt can be devastating and I really wouldn't want your baby to pay for the other baby's death.
When I was pregnant with my 2nd child, two of my sils were also pregnant. Unfortunately, one of them miscarried. I tried to be very careful not to talk about my own pregnancy any time my sil was visiting which, I think she appreciated. When my dd was born, I didn't expect her to visit us but she did. There were tears and she held my dd for the longest time. She told me it hurt but also felt very healing. I'm hoping your sil can feel the same sense of healing at some point. My sympathies to all of you.
BABYLUVER 11:05 AM 09-22-2012
I am very sorry for your SIL's loss and the loss to the entire family. This must be a very difficult time for all.
Please do not feel like you cannot feel joy for your own baby-to-be. It's ok to mourn the loss of your SIL's child while being happy about your own pregnancy. You have been blessed and know how precious and fragile life can be, and have every right to feel happiness and relief that your own child is healthy without feeling guilt for something you did not cause.
That said, the best thing is to be supportive to your SIL, and go with how she's feeling. Don't be afraid to try to talk about it, in due time. Don't be afraid to listen to her grieve. Don't be afraid if she gets angry and distances herself for awhile. Just allow her to grieve in her way and be the best listener you can be.
Please do not feel like you cannot feel joy for your own baby-to-be. It's ok to mourn the loss of your SIL's child while being happy about your own pregnancy. You have been blessed and know how precious and fragile life can be, and have every right to feel happiness and relief that your own child is healthy without feeling guilt for something you did not cause.
That said, the best thing is to be supportive to your SIL, and go with how she's feeling. Don't be afraid to try to talk about it, in due time. Don't be afraid to listen to her grieve. Don't be afraid if she gets angry and distances herself for awhile. Just allow her to grieve in her way and be the best listener you can be.
pregnant too 01:52 PM 09-24-2012
Regular but logged out.
OP, my prayers are with you as you deal with the loss of your nephew. I definitely would let your daycare parents know as soon as you can about the funeral, but I wouldn't feel badly about taking off the funeral day or any others days due to this.
For your own health and your unborn baby's, please try to keep yourself as calm as possible. Stress is definitely not anything you need to deal with right now. Please try not to feel guilty about your own pregnancy.
I'm due in a couple months. One of my daycare moms texted me a couple months ago to say that her baby was stillborn. It was very difficult for me to be pregnant with that news. I don't understand God's plan, but I know that baby is in a good place in Heaven. I've been really stressed out with my own pregnancy because I worry in the back of my mind that something will happen to my baby. I felt guilty that I was pregnant when I attended the funeral. I did attend the funeral though because I wanted to support the daycare family. I've texted them a couple times since to see how they're doing. They've said that they have come to accept their loss and are just taking it day to day.
Prayers as you get through this difficult season and that you have a happy, healthy baby soon.
OP, my prayers are with you as you deal with the loss of your nephew. I definitely would let your daycare parents know as soon as you can about the funeral, but I wouldn't feel badly about taking off the funeral day or any others days due to this.
For your own health and your unborn baby's, please try to keep yourself as calm as possible. Stress is definitely not anything you need to deal with right now. Please try not to feel guilty about your own pregnancy.
I'm due in a couple months. One of my daycare moms texted me a couple months ago to say that her baby was stillborn. It was very difficult for me to be pregnant with that news. I don't understand God's plan, but I know that baby is in a good place in Heaven. I've been really stressed out with my own pregnancy because I worry in the back of my mind that something will happen to my baby. I felt guilty that I was pregnant when I attended the funeral. I did attend the funeral though because I wanted to support the daycare family. I've texted them a couple times since to see how they're doing. They've said that they have come to accept their loss and are just taking it day to day.
Prayers as you get through this difficult season and that you have a happy, healthy baby soon.