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AngelsMommy 10:57 AM 11-19-2014
Yesterday I found out that my bestfriend and sister has been beaten by her abuser. She fought back and punched him in the face. He choked her and she ran out of the house to a friends house too afraid to call the cops. He is controlling and likes to punish her so her abuser called the cops on her for punching him. My sister now sits in jail with bruises on her afraid to speak. I am a mess, I cried all day yesterday and even today I am foggled. How do you function and go on caring for children in an organized scheduled environment when crisis happens in your life?
deliberateliterate 11:23 AM 11-19-2014
I'm so sorry your friend is going through this. Make it as easy as you can for yourself today. Put on a movie for them, easy lunch. Good luck.
daycarediva 11:34 AM 11-19-2014
I am very good at handling issues and not allowing people to see how upset I am, but I would close if I could NOT be a good provider because I was too upset.
I would do an easy day, even a movie and popcorn or music/dancing, anything upbeat or that they will be engrossed in.
I am so sorry for your sister. Being in an abusive relationship is incredibly difficult. I hope she has the courage to speak up, and get the help she needs to get out of that situation.
I would do an easy day, even a movie and popcorn or music/dancing, anything upbeat or that they will be engrossed in.
I am so sorry for your sister. Being in an abusive relationship is incredibly difficult. I hope she has the courage to speak up, and get the help she needs to get out of that situation.
Sugar Magnolia 11:37 AM 11-19-2014
And he WASN'T arrested also? He should be! 
All you can really do is put on a happy gave and fake it as best you can. I agree, maybe a movie and some free play. I'm so sorry.
All you can really do is put on a happy gave and fake it as best you can. I agree, maybe a movie and some free play. I'm so sorry.
EntropyControlSpecialist 11:48 AM 11-19-2014
Originally Posted by daycarediva:
I am very good at handling issues and not allowing people to see how upset I am, but I would close if I could NOT be a good provider because I was too upset.
I would do an easy day, even a movie and popcorn or music/dancing, anything upbeat or that they will be engrossed in.
I am so sorry for your sister. Being in an abusive relationship is incredibly difficult. I hope she has the courage to speak up, and get the help she needs to get out of that situation.
This. I am very good at handling issues and not allowing people to see how upset I am, but I would close if I could NOT be a good provider because I was too upset.
I would do an easy day, even a movie and popcorn or music/dancing, anything upbeat or that they will be engrossed in.
I am so sorry for your sister. Being in an abusive relationship is incredibly difficult. I hope she has the courage to speak up, and get the help she needs to get out of that situation.
I have remained open through two very, very difficult times in my life BUT I did have my Mom come and help during the last one so if I needed to get away for a few minutes I could (and I did).
Thriftylady 11:51 AM 11-19-2014
Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia:
And he WASN'T arrested also? He should be!
Probably because she won't make the claim. This is common. Having been in an abusive marriage, I can tell you that until she makes some realizations there isn't much you can do. I was with my abuser for almost ten years. They know exactly how to get into your head and make you fear them. He has likely told her all the same things my abuser did such as "if you leave me I will kill you, your kids and your entire family". She believes this, because look at all the other stuff he has already done why wouldn't he make good on it? She also believes she still loves him, because he will be so awesome to her when it is all over with. He will be sorry, shower her with love and gifts the whole nine yards. It is a viscous cycle. I didn't finally get the courage to get out until I realized that he may kill me if I left, but he also would if I stayed I figured I had a 50/50 shot.And he WASN'T arrested also? He should be!
I know this is killing you, I get it but there is only so much you can do. First off when you get a chance, call the domestic abuse hotline they can give you some great tips as her support system, even if she doesn't want you to be that yet. You can also link her to them and they can offer her some things. It is going to be hard to help and support her right now, because she will push you away, he will make her. Don't let her do it!!! Dr. Phil's wife has a foundation now where there is an app for the phone who will call the police or a family member for you when you are being abused, perhaps you could get her to get that. Get her to give you copies of things like birth certificates and such so it will be easier to get out in the heat of the moment. Have faith, she will eventually get out of this.
Annalee 11:52 AM 11-19-2014
I think it is good for children to see that it is OK to be sad, angry, frustrated....when my dad died at age of 56, my mom (my assistant) cried for months at periods through the day, but the kids learned it was OK.....was a great learning tool for families as well because their kids had tons of questions about why ms.xxx was crying and how to make her happy again.... that was 12 years ago yesterday when dad died but we still see past clients and they talk about how this was the first funeral home experience for their kids but had been a milestone for them. 
Sugar Magnolia 11:54 AM 11-19-2014
I don't get it. If the police see visible injuries on a victim, don't they arrest anyway, whether the victim wants to press charges or not?
DaveA 12:20 PM 11-19-2014
Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia:
I don't get it. If the police see visible injuries on a victim, don't they arrest anyway, whether the victim wants to press charges or not?
If he called first, he can claim to be the "victim" and explain any marks on her as him "defending himself". It's messed up, but if she doesn't make any charges that's the information they have to go on initially.I don't get it. If the police see visible injuries on a victim, don't they arrest anyway, whether the victim wants to press charges or not?
_Dana_ 01:07 PM 11-19-2014
Originally Posted by Thriftylady:
Probably because she won't make the claim. This is common. Having been in an abusive marriage, I can tell you that until she makes some realizations there isn't much you can do. I was with my abuser for almost ten years. They know exactly how to get into your head and make you fear them. He has likely told her all the same things my abuser did such as "if you leave me I will kill you, your kids and your entire family". She believes this, because look at all the other stuff he has already done why wouldn't he make good on it? She also believes she still loves him, because he will be so awesome to her when it is all over with. He will be sorry, shower her with love and gifts the whole nine yards. It is a viscous cycle. I didn't finally get the courage to get out until I realized that he may kill me if I left, but he also would if I stayed I figured I had a 50/50 shot.
I know this is killing you, I get it but there is only so much you can do. First off when you get a chance, call the domestic abuse hotline they can give you some great tips as her support system, even if she doesn't want you to be that yet. You can also link her to them and they can offer her some things. It is going to be hard to help and support her right now, because she will push you away, he will make her. Don't let her do it!!! Dr. Phil's wife has a foundation now where there is an app for the phone who will call the police or a family member for you when you are being abused, perhaps you could get her to get that. Get her to give you copies of things like birth certificates and such so it will be easier to get out in the heat of the moment. Have faith, she will eventually get out of this.
^^^Everything that Thriftylady said. I've also been there/done that and spent 8 months in a secret safe shelter with my son when I left. A good book to read is "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. I highly recommend the read. Most libraries have it. It's been 7 years since I left and still have some residual anxiety and PTSD. Probably because she won't make the claim. This is common. Having been in an abusive marriage, I can tell you that until she makes some realizations there isn't much you can do. I was with my abuser for almost ten years. They know exactly how to get into your head and make you fear them. He has likely told her all the same things my abuser did such as "if you leave me I will kill you, your kids and your entire family". She believes this, because look at all the other stuff he has already done why wouldn't he make good on it? She also believes she still loves him, because he will be so awesome to her when it is all over with. He will be sorry, shower her with love and gifts the whole nine yards. It is a viscous cycle. I didn't finally get the courage to get out until I realized that he may kill me if I left, but he also would if I stayed I figured I had a 50/50 shot.
I know this is killing you, I get it but there is only so much you can do. First off when you get a chance, call the domestic abuse hotline they can give you some great tips as her support system, even if she doesn't want you to be that yet. You can also link her to them and they can offer her some things. It is going to be hard to help and support her right now, because she will push you away, he will make her. Don't let her do it!!! Dr. Phil's wife has a foundation now where there is an app for the phone who will call the police or a family member for you when you are being abused, perhaps you could get her to get that. Get her to give you copies of things like birth certificates and such so it will be easier to get out in the heat of the moment. Have faith, she will eventually get out of this.
Getting copies of birth certificates, SS cards, Driver's License are helpful, as well as a couple changes of clothing. Also, making a safety plan for just in case is important, whether she decides to stay or go. Have a code word/phrase for you to get help and to call the police if she is in trouble.
When I left my abuser, we left with nothing but a small suitcase for my son and myself. No diapers, no food, a few toys for him, and a couple changes of clothing for the both of us. Local resources, good friends, and my church were integral parts of me leaving him...but it took time. I left my abuser 2 other times before I did for good. This seems to be the norm more often than not. When I finally contacted the shelter, I had to wait and pretend like nothing was up for 4 weeks before space became available.
I hope you are able to find peace and that your sister is able to see through the fog and get help. <<hugs>>
Thriftylady 03:12 PM 11-19-2014
Originally Posted by _Dana_:
^^^Everything that Thriftylady said. I've also been there/done that and spent 8 months in a secret safe shelter with my son when I left. A good book to read is "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. I highly recommend the read. Most libraries have it. It's been 7 years since I left and still have some residual anxiety and PTSD.
Getting copies of birth certificates, SS cards, Driver's License are helpful, as well as a couple changes of clothing. Also, making a safety plan for just in case is important, whether she decides to stay or go. Have a code word/phrase for you to get help and to call the police if she is in trouble.
When I left my abuser, we left with nothing but a small suitcase for my son and myself. No diapers, no food, a few toys for him, and a couple changes of clothing for the both of us. Local resources, good friends, and my church were integral parts of me leaving him...but it took time. I left my abuser 2 other times before I did for good. This seems to be the norm more often than not. When I finally contacted the shelter, I had to wait and pretend like nothing was up for 4 weeks before space became available.
I hope you are able to find peace and that your sister is able to see through the fog and get help. <<hugs>>
I left three times before the final time. The average is seven. Each time you leave and go back it gets more dangerous at least that was the case in my situation. I just wish I could come and hug you and her and try to help you both through it.^^^Everything that Thriftylady said. I've also been there/done that and spent 8 months in a secret safe shelter with my son when I left. A good book to read is "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. I highly recommend the read. Most libraries have it. It's been 7 years since I left and still have some residual anxiety and PTSD.
Getting copies of birth certificates, SS cards, Driver's License are helpful, as well as a couple changes of clothing. Also, making a safety plan for just in case is important, whether she decides to stay or go. Have a code word/phrase for you to get help and to call the police if she is in trouble.
When I left my abuser, we left with nothing but a small suitcase for my son and myself. No diapers, no food, a few toys for him, and a couple changes of clothing for the both of us. Local resources, good friends, and my church were integral parts of me leaving him...but it took time. I left my abuser 2 other times before I did for good. This seems to be the norm more often than not. When I finally contacted the shelter, I had to wait and pretend like nothing was up for 4 weeks before space became available.
I hope you are able to find peace and that your sister is able to see through the fog and get help. <<hugs>>
MOM OF 4 06:02 PM 11-19-2014
Originally Posted by AngelsMommy:
Yesterday I found out that my bestfriend and sister has been beaten by her abuser. She fought back and punched him in the face. He choked her and she ran out of the house to a friends house too afraid to call the cops. He is controlling and likes to punish her so her abuser called the cops on her for punching him. My sister now sits in jail with bruises on her afraid to speak. I am a mess, I cried all day yesterday and even today I am foggled. How do you function and go on caring for children in an organized scheduled environment when crisis happens in your life?
I am sorry to hear about this! That's horrible. I would do exactly as deliberateliterate suggested. Take these next few days and make it easy for you and the kids. Movies, hot chocolate, popcorn (or puff corn, depending on age group) and relaxation as much as you can. If the kids ask, just say you're not feeling well, so it's 'down' time. ((((HUG))))) to you and your sister/bff.Yesterday I found out that my bestfriend and sister has been beaten by her abuser. She fought back and punched him in the face. He choked her and she ran out of the house to a friends house too afraid to call the cops. He is controlling and likes to punish her so her abuser called the cops on her for punching him. My sister now sits in jail with bruises on her afraid to speak. I am a mess, I cried all day yesterday and even today I am foggled. How do you function and go on caring for children in an organized scheduled environment when crisis happens in your life?
AngelsMommy 12:05 PM 11-20-2014
Thankyou all for the hugs, I ended up closing, couldn't keep it together. My sister is out on bond and her abuser told the courts no one hit anyone crap. She is at home away from him until her next court hearing. I am so glad you ladies left your abusers. Not just for you but for your families as well