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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Uh Oh! She's Definitely Crying For Me...
TBird 11:26 AM 07-22-2011
It's official....the 8 month old I care for has started to cry for me and lean towards me when other people are holding her. Namely her PARENTS!!!

They are THE BEST parents!!! Her dad always picks up and she gives him a brilliant smile at the door but as soon as I hand her over she starts to whine and lean back in towards me...UGH!!! I feel so bad for him!!! I've been playing it off like it's the car seat, the heat, upset stomach...ANYTHING to throw them off the trail!!! Mom comes in the morning and she's more than happy to jump into my arms. Thank God she follows mom's face down the road but you can still tell that she's glad to be in my arms. She loves my 13 year old and a moment ago she started crying and lunged back into my arms....UH BOY!!! Obviously I don't hold her all day because I have other DCK's but Lord knows they'll probably think that's all I do if they catch on!!!

Then there's one of the 3 year old's whose mom told me that when he cries at home he screams and kicks that he wants Miss T. I can tell she's glad he loves me but it's still kind of hurtful...I'm a mom so I totally understand. I told a "tiny" fib and said he cries for her sometimes when he's here.

Anyway, how do you all handle this??? Do you try to lessen the blow and if so how??? Has anyone ever termed and put their child in a larger daycare so there are no "mom-like" connections??? I've done this for years....why am I so nervous about this???
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laundrymom 11:32 AM 07-22-2011
I'm honest with them, I just say they see the other kids do it and know it will get extra love from parents and the fastest way to get thru the stage is to smile knowing they are secure and loved at home and care, and make transitions as fast as possible. That it's normal and everyone does it. Their child is a bit faster at it than some, then smile and say,... You know you have all us adults wrapped around your little finger don't you sweetie, and pat them or stroke their face. Then step farthr away from mom so baby cant reach you and say bye-bye.
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laundrymom 11:33 AM 07-22-2011
And good job!!! It is pretty awesome when we see how much we mean to them isn't it?
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CheekyChick 11:33 AM 07-22-2011
If it were my child, I would be a tiny bit sad, but 99% thrilled that my child loved the person caring for him/her. You're clearly doing a fabulous job and your DCK's love you.
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daycarelady68 11:38 AM 07-22-2011
I always say "at least you know your child is happy here". It has to make parents feel bad but it must also make them feel secure in knowing their child is well cared for.
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nannyde 11:42 AM 07-22-2011
Simple easy fix:

Behavior is called: Love the one your're with.

Tell them it's a sign of giftedness. Every child you have ever had that has done this they have turned out to be incredibly intelligent. You love it when you see this because you KNOW that you have a baby genius on your hands. Who doesn't want to be around a brilliant one all day long?

I sure do.
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DBug 11:47 AM 07-22-2011
Originally Posted by TBird:
I told a "tiny" fib and said he cries for her sometimes when he's here.
I've done this too -- if a little has been calling me "mommy" all day and then doesn't want to go to their actual mommy at pick-up, I'll usually say something like "Junior missed you so much! He was calling for mommy all day!" That usually helps a bit.

Personally, it would kill me if my child was calling someone else "mommy". So I feel for my dc families when they hear their kids doing exactly that (or reaching for me when mom or dad is trying to pick them up). Still, it's a choice every parent makes, right? Whether to raise your own kids or to share that responsibility with someone else.
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momofsix 11:49 AM 07-22-2011
I ususally just remind them that this is better then the "suzie" screaming-then they would be at work worrying if "suzie"was ok or not, now they know their child is happy!
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daycare 11:49 AM 07-22-2011
Originally Posted by DBug:
I've done this too -- if a little has been calling me "mommy" all day and then doesn't want to go to their actual mommy at pick-up, I'll usually say something like "Junior missed you so much! He was calling for mommy all day!" That usually helps a bit.

Personally, it would kill me if my child was calling someone else "mommy". So I feel for my dc families when they hear their kids doing exactly that (or reaching for me when mom or dad is trying to pick them up). Still, it's a choice every parent makes, right? Whether to raise your own kids or to share that responsibility with someone else.
yes sad but true!!! everyone has the choice!!
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TBird 02:53 PM 07-22-2011
Thanks guys...I feel a little better. These are first time parents and I really want to make this a good experience for them. They are calm, not nit-picky at all, and they follow all of my policies. I just know how it is to have a new baby, have to work, and still hope that the sun rises and sets on mommy & daddy.

Today I left her diaper bag on the kitchen table so I could launch her into daddy's arms and dash away to "get the bag"....
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jen 07:29 PM 07-22-2011
Honestly, I think most of the time that kids this age do show these behaviors because they have a tough time with transitions...which is exactly what I explain to Mom and Dad. They will out grow that soon enough.
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cheerfuldom 07:50 PM 07-22-2011
i have a little one here that does that but I try to mention something each day that I know would mean a lot to her mom. I also get really excited when mom shows up and the little one feeds off that and gets excited to. I'm not above telling a little fib to make mama feel better. I also remind them that they are doing a great job raising such an independent and confident kid....thats puts a positive spin on the situation.
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rjskids 08:12 PM 07-22-2011
I have a little girl who does this. I see a little sadness in her moms eyes but she always says "she never did this at the other lady's house! So I know she must like it here!" I always just say something like "oh, I had just gotten the dolls out" or "she knows we were about to go outdoors" (which is sometimes a lie). But it does make me feel good cause she comes in happy every morning which at the last providers house I guess she cried every day.
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TBird 06:22 AM 08-10-2011
Just a quick update on this guys....

So, the 9 month old baby that has been screaming & crying for me when her dad picks her up REALLY threw an unholy fit yesterday when he picked her up. She gave him a great big old smile when he came to the door and she looked so happy (and he was sooooo happy) but as soon as he made a move to get her in the car seat and take her away, she looks at me and the lip starts trembling and she really cried like he was taking her away from her MOTHER!!! WTH??? I don't hold her all day for goodness sake, cause I usually have 5 to 6 kids here at the least!!! She's here from about 8:15 to 5:00 M-Thursday, and an occasional Friday. When I tell you he looked crushed....he looked CRUSHED!!! They are amazing parents but first time parents and I know they are hurt by this.

Anyway, around 8:15 this morning I noticed that mom wasn't hhere with her yet. I turned on my phone and sure enough, mom is staying home today. I know, I know...don't jump to conclusions. She left me a wonderful message saying that she wasn't feeling the greatest and she needs a mental health day from work. She said that they'd see me bright & early in the morning and for me to enjoy my day.

I'm sorry but I can't shake the feeling that dad probably told her that they need to spend more time with the baby and that she's getting too attached to us. She may have called out anyway, but this may have pushed the mental health day over the edge.

NEED HELP...What can I do about this ladies??? Is it ultra rude (although I've already done it one or two times) to have the baby already in her car seat when he gets here??? And I know, I know...I'm a great provider and the baby loves me, kudos and the whole nine but I seriously hope the baby knows that I'm not her mom...YIKES!!!
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MyAngels 06:31 AM 08-10-2011
I wonder if it would help if you scheduled a time to talk openly with the parents about your concerns? You could explain to them that it's perfectly normal for kids to have issues with transitions, but that you are worried about how they are feeling since they are first time parents.

I've got one going through the same thing right now - she's 18 months old and has been throwing a minor fit every day at pick up. I don't have this happen often, and it's pretty uncomfortable, so I know how you feel.
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Michelle 07:04 AM 08-10-2011
Experienced parents or grandparents know that this is a good thing!
Baby is very bonded to you and they know she's not being neglected.
Maybe tell them a story about a previous parent that this happened with and how the baby grew up just fine. Tell them that they are not the only one. This usually makes them feel better if they here about another family going through it.
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nannyde 10:25 AM 08-10-2011
Here's what I do:

I tell them that pretty much every kid I have ever had does this.
Pretty much all of them do this at this very age.
If your child wasn't doing this... honestly... I'd start to worry about their development. I've only had a couple that didn't do it and they both ended up being "slow" if ya know what I'm sayin.

Be THANKFUL you have a normal one and know that soon enough the same child will shun me upon arrival and bolt out of my arms into yours at departure ... not giving me a second look.

It's all in the timing and right now it's MY time. I have to tell you that I dig it and am not in any big hurry for it to be your time Please don't blow my gig by being anonyed or offended by it. There's precious little pure joy in this hard profession and this is one of em... so let me have my time and wait your turn...
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TBird 02:06 PM 08-10-2011
Originally Posted by nannyde:
Here's what I do:

I tell them that pretty much every kid I have ever had does this.
Pretty much all of them do this at this very age.
If your child wasn't doing this... honestly... I'd start to worry about their development. I've only had a couple that didn't do it and they both ended up being "slow" if ya know what I'm sayin.

Be THANKFUL you have a normal one and know that soon enough the same child will shun me upon arrival and bolt out of my arms into yours at departure ... not giving me a second look.

It's all in the timing and right now it's MY time. I have to tell you that I dig it and am not in any big hurry for it to be your time Please don't blow my gig by being anonyed or offended by it. There's precious little pure joy in this hard profession and this is one of em... so let me have my time and wait your turn...
LOOOOOOOOVE IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!
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MarinaVanessa 02:30 PM 08-10-2011
There are a lot of good responses here. Lot's of great ideas. I'm wondering if you are somehow catering to her needs a little too much kwim. I don't mean to say that you're not doing a great job or anything, on the contrary, I think that if she responds this way to you that you are probably a wonderful provider.

I did notice though that each time you referenced her being picked up that "as soon as I hand her over", "so I could launch her into daddy's arms". Even at during drop offs you mention that "she's more than happy to jump into my arms" and "she's glad to be in my arms". Is she in your arms alot in DC and maybe likes that and isn't held so much at home? If not and you only pick her up during pick-ups and drop-offs maybe you can have her on the floor playing and have DCM or DCD be the ones to pick her up off of the floor? If you are outside during drop-offs or pick-ups maybe you can do the same?

I'm only suggesting this because I had a situation like this. This was before my own baby and I didn't realize that I was holding DCB so much. It's hard for me to NOT want to hold a baby all day. He also would cry for me and such so instead of having DCM put him in my arms at drop-off I would sit on the floor and she would put him down near me to play with toys and then she would leave. Pick-ups were the same. I knew she was coming and would sit down with him but not hold him and when she arrived she would be the one to pick him up. I also overexaggerated how happy I was to see her. I would clap and smile a HUGE smile and say "Mommy's here!" "Yay". If other DC kids were here I'd say "Look! It's DCB's Mommy!" I saw an improvement within just a couple of days and didn't last longer than the rest of that week.

In either case, try not to take it personal. Obviously you're doing a good job.
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TBird 02:50 PM 08-10-2011
Originally Posted by MarinaVanessa:
There are a lot of good responses here. Lot's of great ideas. I'm wondering if you are somehow catering to her needs a little too much kwim. I don't mean to say that you're not doing a great job or anything, on the contrary, I think that if she responds this way to you that you are probably a wonderful provider.

I did notice though that each time you referenced her being picked up that "as soon as I hand her over", "so I could launch her into daddy's arms". Even at during drop offs you mention that "she's more than happy to jump into my arms" and "she's glad to be in my arms". Is she in your arms alot in DC and maybe likes that and isn't held so much at home? If not and you only pick her up during pick-ups and drop-offs maybe you can have her on the floor playing and have DCM or DCD be the ones to pick her up off of the floor? If you are outside during drop-offs or pick-ups maybe you can do the same?

I'm only suggesting this because I had a situation like this. This was before my own baby and I didn't realize that I was holding DCB so much. It's hard for me to NOT want to hold a baby all day. He also would cry for me and such so instead of having DCM put him in my arms at drop-off I would sit on the floor and she would put him down near me to play with toys and then she would leave. Pick-ups were the same. I knew she was coming and would sit down with him but not hold him and when she arrived she would be the one to pick him up. I also overexaggerated how happy I was to see her. I would clap and smile a HUGE smile and say "Mommy's here!" "Yay". If other DC kids were here I'd say "Look! It's DCB's Mommy!" I saw an improvement within just a couple of days and didn't last longer than the rest of that week.

In either case, try not to take it personal. Obviously you're doing a good job.
Hmmmmmm...great thoughts and advice here!!! To answer your questions, this baby is an explorer. I don't feel the need to hold her much because she's not a crier (which is probably why her dad is so hurt when she cries for me). On the floor with toys most of the day, naps in the crib, plays in the exersaucer, rides in the stroller....HATES the car seat though. I make sure my 13 year old doesn't hold her too much either.

At drop-off, mom takes her out of the car seat so she can love on her for a second....that's what I mean about launching herself into my arms. You're probably right about being on the floor but my daycare is upstairs and mom has to take off pretty quickly. At pick-up I just have to buckle down and put her in the car seat before dad gets here. I feel bad doing that because she hates the thing and I don't want him to feel like I've had her in there for longer than necessary. BUT....in this case, it may be in order.

You have a good point...you have me thinking about making it policy that parents come to the daycare to drop-off and not drop-off in the foyer. Hmmmmmmm....
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Sunshine44 07:26 PM 08-10-2011
If she 'hates' her carseat so much, maybe that is why she is crying.
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Crystal 07:58 PM 08-10-2011
I agree with Jen....it's a transition thing.....keep being supportive, give her time and she will adjust.
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cyerob 03:53 AM 08-11-2011
I think you should set limitations. Being too attached to your DC kids is fun but also hurtful.
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Squirrel 05:28 PM 08-11-2011
I don't think you should put her in the car seat for dad. In my opinion the car seat should stay in the car not my house. You said she doesn't like the car seat and daddy coming is linked to immediately being put in the car seat. Maybe she'd enjoy a little cuddle time to the car and be a bit more excited daddy is there. I also would put her on the floor when you know daddy is on his way and move out of arms reach of her and stand up when daddy comes in. Daddy should be the one to reach out to her and soothe her at that point in time. If daddy was coming in and carrying her to the car before buckling her up and she was still screaming at pick up after a week, I would meet him at the door with her all ready(not in car seat though that should still be in car) and do a very quick transfer and save all discussions for drop off or phone later in the evening.
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SandeeAR 06:30 AM 08-12-2011
I can see a parent as they enter the drive. So, babies are in my arms for Mom or Dad at the door. Anybody that can walk is on the floor. Usually all three are at the full storm door looking out hollering for whichever parent is coming in.

I let the parent get the excitement of the kiddo seeing them come to get them.
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laundrymom 07:07 AM 08-12-2011
I'd tell mom, of course she loves it here, she has so many things and people that entertain her. Lol and gesture to the kids & toys. They all have each other to keep them busy, but she rarely just cuddles with me, I think she knows I'm the path to her friends. Most the kids here go thru it. Then smile & move on to a different thing. Don't make a deal of it with them and it won't be. However truthfully, if mom & dad have an issue because their child is happy, content, safe and loved at your place, that's really their own issue. Not yours, would they rather you not do your job as wonderfully? Their insecurities should have no impact on your performance. Smile!!! You are doing a great job!!!!!
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justgettingstarted 11:34 AM 08-12-2011
Originally Posted by daycare:
yes sad but true!!! everyone has the choice!!
No, actually, everyone does NOT have the choice. If I don't work we don't make our mortgage payment or eat! I cried almost every night for the first two weeks when I HAD to put my son in daycare. No one plans to have the economy tank, both parent's salaries cut, and their home value plummet by over $100,000. These comments seriously make me mad and I think you should apologize for implying that I chose to have another woman raise my child like its as simple as choosing my outfit for the day.
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justgettingstarted 11:46 AM 08-12-2011
Sorry to OP for hijacking the post. It sounds like you're doing a great job. It is a little sad that when I pick up my son now (he's been at daycare about two months now) he doesn't always come running but I'm happy that he's having a good time there and seem to be very comfortable. I think this is something every parent just has to deal with.
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Mom_of_two 11:46 AM 08-12-2011
I agree that everyone does NOT have the choice. I think a lot of us probably don't have the choice. We are just able to work from home.

Anyway. Interesting. Never had this problem, I can't imagine! I love my babies and families, and they know who is who. I would maybe address it with the parents, not have it be the elephant in the room. This phase will pass! Keep us posted!
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laundrymom 11:54 AM 08-12-2011
Originally Posted by thinkinboutstarting:
No, actually, everyone does NOT have the choice. If I don't work we don't make our mortgage payment or eat! I cried almost every night for the first two weeks when I HAD to put my son in daycare. No one plans to have the economy tank, both parent's salaries cut by 10%, and their home value to plummet by over $100,000. These comments seriously make me mad and I think you should apologize for implying that I chose to have another woman raise their child like its as simple as choosing your outfit for the day.
Actually it "IS" a choice. If you choose to have children you get to choose how to afford them. You can choose to work opposite shifts than your partner, barter services for childcare, join a childcare co-op, rely on friends, family. You chose to have kids, noone " has" to. Your salary only dropped by 10%? you are lucky, ours dropped over 40%. Your home value dropped $100000? Wow, mine dropped $30000( and that was almost half what I financed)
The choices I made 20-25 years ago are impacting my life today. Did I know then how things would be now? No,... But were they still MY CHOICES? yes. Every decision you make is a choice. And we all must live with them. I chose to put 40% down on my home 20 years ago, I chose to have four children, now I must choose how to pay my bills. I might not like the options but I still have to CHOOSE one. Everyone does. Noone said it was easy. But the choices we all made in the past limit out options in the present. They are still options and choices we all make. Good or bad, easy or hard, it's all choice.
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justgettingstarted 12:08 PM 08-12-2011
Originally Posted by laundrymom:
Actually it "IS" a choice. If you choose to have children you get to choose how to afford them. You can choose to work opposite shifts than your partner, barter services for childcare, join a childcare co-op, rely on friends, family. You chose to have kids, noone " has" to. Your salary only dropped by 10%? you are lucky, ours dropped over 40%. Your home value dropped $100000? Wow, mine dropped $30000( and that was almost half what I financed)
The choices I made 20-25 years ago are impacting my life today. Did I know then how things would be now? No,... But were they still MY CHOICES? yes. Every decision you make is a choice. And we all must live with them. I chose to put 40% down on my home 20 years ago, I chose to have four children, now I must choose how to pay my bills. I might not like the options but I still have to CHOOSE one. Everyone does. Noone said it was easy. But the choices we all made in the past limit out options in the present. They are still options and choices we all make. Good or bad, easy or hard, it's all choice.
Yes, I could "choose" to live with my baby in a cardboard box out on the street but let's be real. I'm just saying don't make it sound like a simple decision that all parents just drop off their kids because they love working and dont' want to be at home with them. Maybe some do but I certainly don't. I'm working very hard right now to open my own daycare so that I can be home with him but in the mean time I simply do not have any other realistic options.
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