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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>What About Saying "NO"
jokalima 11:45 AM 09-28-2012
I was reading the thread about t/o and talking to someone about it it came out how saying NO in DC is not allowed in many places. Would really like to know what you think about this and what would be the option?
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littlemissmuffet 11:54 AM 09-28-2012
One of MY favorite words is "no". I think it's an important word for adults and children alike. If we teach out children that "no" is a bad word how are they going to learn to say "no" when it's necessary - i.e. inappropriate touching, someone treating them badly, someone asking them for something they don't want to give up or do? Obviously, I don't appreciate it when one of my children says "no" to me when I tell them to put on their shoes or tidy their toys, but the solution is simple by telling them that in this particular case "no" isn't an option - I'm telling, not asking.

I don't think enough adults say "no". I read about it all the time here... there are endless threads on how a provider just couldn't say no to a parent and now they're being walked all over, etc. I know alot of friends who agree to going out to parties or dinners and REALLY don't want to, but they don't want to come off as rude. Well, sorry, but I'd rather come off as rude (I don't think declining an invite out is ever rude, btw) than go somewhere I don't want to and be miserable. There are so many scenerios I hear about on a regular basis where people are complaining that they got roped into something they don't want to do because they don't know how to use the word "no" without guilt... I think this is a horrible thing to teach our children.

The word "no" is always welcome in my home. It may not always be in the appropriate context with the kiddos, but I simply let them know when their use of the word is approppriate or not. I cannot stand people who ban certain words like this or try and censors children from everything - the key is educate the kids in what they are saying, hearing, seeing and doing.
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Blackcat31 11:54 AM 09-28-2012
I think what they mean is not talking in the negative.

For example instead of saying

"No running in the house" you say "walk in the house please"
"No hitting!" = "hands are for helping"
"No yelling" = "inside voices"
"No throwing toys" = "You can throw the ball outside"

I think rephrasing things to be said in a manner in which kids can identify what they CAN do versus what they CAN'T do is the point of the don't say "no" concept.

It is all abput POSTIVE renforcement of good behaviors instead of correcting negative behaviors
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itlw8 12:48 PM 09-28-2012
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
I think what they mean is not talking in the negative.

For example instead of saying

"No running in the house" you say "walk in the house please"
"No hitting!" = "hands are for helping"
"No yelling" = "inside voices"
"No throwing toys" = "You can throw the ball outside"

I think rephrasing things to be said in a manner in which kids can identify what they CAN do versus what they CAN'T do is the point of the don't say "no" concept.

It is all abput POSTIVE renforcement of good behaviors instead of correcting negative behaviors
That is what it should mean but many parents and some license people literally say you should never say no. That is just plain STUPiD and yes I said another bad word.
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rhymia1 12:58 PM 09-28-2012
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
I think what they mean is not talking in the negative.

For example instead of saying

"No running in the house" you say "walk in the house please"
"No hitting!" = "hands are for helping"
"No yelling" = "inside voices"
"No throwing toys" = "You can throw the ball outside"

I think rephrasing things to be said in a manner in which kids can identify what they CAN do versus what they CAN'T do is the point of the don't say "no" concept.

It is all abput POSTIVE renforcement of good behaviors instead of correcting negative behaviors
I agree that's how it started. But like everything else in our country it's turned into saying "No" is now "rude" or "bad."

Today my 2 1/2 yo dc boy has been throwing toys all over. Despite me reminding him a thousand times to throw the soft balls I have just for this purpose. We can't get outside since it's been pouring all day long...sigh... After a morning of "we thow these balls" "These are the balls you CAN throw" It's become an afternoon of "NO throwing toys!" But it's almost closing time and it's FRIDAY!!!
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Bookworm 03:10 PM 09-28-2012
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
I think what they mean is not talking in the negative.

For example instead of saying

"No running in the house" you say "walk in the house please"
"No hitting!" = "hands are for helping"
"No yelling" = "inside voices"
"No throwing toys" = "You can throw the ball outside"

I think rephrasing things to be said in a manner in which kids can identify what they CAN do versus what they CAN'T do is the point of the don't say "no" concept.

It is all abput POSTIVE renforcement of good behaviors instead of correcting negative behaviors
I remember reading somewhere about a year ago about an organization not letting any childcare center affiliated with them to teach "shame" to children when they're being disciplined. It was either NAYCE or First Steps.

I always believed that shame was an important part of learning right or wrong. If a child doesn't feel bad for doing wrong or maybe disappointing a teacher or parent, what's to stop them from continuing the behavior. Prisons are full of people with no shame.
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nanglgrl 05:32 PM 09-28-2012
Originally Posted by Bookworm:
I remember reading somewhere about a year ago about an organization not letting any childcare center affiliated with them to teach "shame" to children when they're being disciplined. It was either NAYCE or First Steps.

I always believed that shame was an important part of learning right or wrong. If a child doesn't feel bad for doing wrong or maybe disappointing a teacher or parent, what's to stop them from continuing the behavior. Prisons are full of people with no shame.
You said it well. The day that I'm not allowed to say "no" to a child or use time out is the day I get out of this business. It's not even that I use them that much. I don't remember the last time I used time out on any child other than my 2 year old son and I rarely have to say "no" as usually I just say the child's name and look at them and they drop the item or stop the behavior. I have my environment set up to minimize any unfavorable behaviors but once in a while a child will test limits and these things are important tools at my disposal. I have a nephew who is never told "no" and is always talked to in a soothing voice using positives, of course the child never listens and at 5 his behavior is out of control. He has been kicked out of 3 daycares and recently was told (even though he's been 5 for a while) that he's not ready for kindergarten so they had to pull him and find a new daycare.
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Meeko 07:27 AM 09-29-2012
I never hesitate to say the word "no" and I never will.

I also never hesitate to say a ton of positive and loving things all day.

It's called balance.

The workforce is full of young adults who think they are so very, very special and can do no wrong because their parents never said no.

Welcome to the REAL world kiddo.
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Meeko 07:30 AM 09-29-2012
Originally Posted by nanglgrl:
You said it well. The day that I'm not allowed to say "no" to a child or use time out is the day I get out of this business. It's not even that I use them that much. I don't remember the last time I used time out on any child other than my 2 year old son and I rarely have to say "no" as usually I just say the child's name and look at them and they drop the item or stop the behavior. I have my environment set up to minimize any unfavorable behaviors but once in a while a child will test limits and these things are important tools at my disposal. I have a nephew who is never told "no" and is always talked to in a soothing voice using positives, of course the child never listens and at 5 his behavior is out of control. He has been kicked out of 3 daycares and recently was told (even though he's been 5 for a while) that he's not ready for kindergarten so they had to pull him and find a new daycare.
Your nephew is one of many. His generation will be the one taking care of us in our old age. Heaven help us. We are leaving the world to a generation of self-absorbed "I'm special and can do no wrong" brats.
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Meeko 07:41 AM 09-29-2012
Can you imagine if the trend was used in the real world?




Suzie is late for work every day and does sloppy work when she does show up.

She deserves to be fired, but her boss has been instructed to use positive reinforcement and never say no or upset his employees.

Boss: "Suzie, I noticed you have been late every day this week"

Suzie: "So?"

Boss: "It's important that we come to work in a timely fashion"

Suzie: I like to party at night, so it's just too hard to get up in the mornings"

Boss: Oh I see. That can be so hard can't it? I understand. Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. Maybe you could TRY and be on time if it's not too much trouble."

Suzie: "Whatever"

Boss: Well thank you for taking the time to come and see me. I really appreciate it. Love your shoes by the way"
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Blackcat31 07:53 AM 09-29-2012
Sadly Meeko, I have actually seen that happen several times over the last few years.

One was union so firing was far more trouble than keeping them and the other worked in a job in a nursing home as a CNA...seems like they have such a tough time with turn over rates that they put up with some really bad employees just to avoid having to hire over and over again.

But I am pretty sure that IS the way things are headed.

I know a gal who works in a bank and is suppose to be at work at 8:30. She gets there late every day (sometimes by as much as an hour) and has even missed a few shifts altogether without notice or a call in to her boss and then just shows up the next day like it ws no big deal.

She has worked there for over 5 years and her work ethic has not improved. Yet she is still employed.
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Bookworm 08:19 PM 09-29-2012
There is an employee at my center just like this. She just started coming to work "on time". "On time" being 10-15 min late. And as soon as she gets there, she has to eat her lunch even though she has been home all day. It's been over two years and nothing is ever said to this person.
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BABYLUVER 08:32 PM 09-29-2012
Yeah, saying NO to set boundaries now while a child is young is FINE and I would NOT allow the state to tell me I can't say it. Sometimes you just have to....If we don't teach our kids NOW that they can't have/do/say everything they want all the time, they'll just behave like animals when they're older.

As an adult with a LICENSE to provide child care, I should be trusted enough to be able to express myself to the children in appropriate ways including the use of the word no. This means no cursing, no calling names, no being rude. How can I expect the KIDS to have self control if the state doesn't think *I* have any, to the point they try to tell me what I'm "Allowed" to say? I'm a grown woman and should KNOW (common sense) what is/is not ok to say to children or else I'm in the wrong business. They gave me a license, right?
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Meeko 05:11 AM 10-01-2012
Originally Posted by BABYLUVER:
Yeah, saying NO to set boundaries now while a child is young is FINE and I would NOT allow the state to tell me I can't say it. Sometimes you just have to....If we don't teach our kids NOW that they can't have/do/say everything they want all the time, they'll just behave like animals when they're older.

As an adult with a LICENSE to provide child care, I should be trusted enough to be able to express myself to the children in appropriate ways including the use of the word no. This means no cursing, no calling names, no being rude. How can I expect the KIDS to have self control if the state doesn't think *I* have any, to the point they try to tell me what I'm "Allowed" to say? I'm a grown woman and should KNOW (common sense) what is/is not ok to say to children or else I'm in the wrong business. They gave me a license, right?

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Cat Herder 07:26 AM 10-01-2012
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
Sadly Meeko, I have actually seen that happen several times over the last few years.
Me, too.

My poor DH says managing his employees has become very much like my daycare. He is counting down the minutes until retirement.

Human Resouces and Legal have made it near impossible to run a business. Ironically, this is making "foreign workers" preferred; the general feeling is that they still have a work ethic and are more dependable.
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