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Old 07-13-2015, 07:27 PM
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Default DCB Aggressive With My Baby

I have a 2 year old dcb who tries to exert dominance with the baby (10 mo). I have worked on it for months & he is doing so much better. I keep the baby right with me & only allow them to play together when I'm right there sitting between them. He plays nicely with the baby now during the day, but drop off & pick up are awful. As soon as his mom walks in he attacks the baby. Their mom is a friend so she always walks in & picks up the baby to say hi sometimes with her own child crying & pulling on her. She always addresses him, but then talks to my baby. I think dcb is jealous so that is the reason for the acting out. When she squats down to talk to her son while holding my baby that's when it happens. He has bit him & brought blood, scratched his face until it bleeds, laid on him, pushed him, etc. I've started moving the baby into his crib during drop off/pickup & shutting the door so dcb doesn't have access, but that isn't a realistic long term solution. I was frustrated at first, but now I'm just angry about it. I don't want to cause waves b/c she is a friend, but its my child being harmed & I'm ticked off. I've talked to her several times explaining how I handle the 2 of them in her absence, how I don't let dcb get in baby's face, how allowing him to hurt baby is not ok. I don't know what else to do except term, but that's going to be awkward too. How would you handle it? I've thought about maybe wearing him during dropoff/pickup so he is strapped to me & can't be bothered.
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Old 07-13-2015, 08:21 PM
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I would tell the daycare mom to pay attention to her child only.I had a rule that children could "say hello and go"to other childrens parents.I would explain to all the children that the parents want to speak to their child.The children wanted their parent to care for them.This freind should understand and pay attention to her child.I would ask her to call from the driveway and bring the child to the door..Your baby should be put in a safe chair or playpen.
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Old 07-15-2015, 06:02 AM
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I agree with the above poster. I would just let mom know that clearly her son is very jealous of the baby and his behavior around the baby is getting out of control. You think it would be best for mom to just focus on hellos and goodbyes with her own son for now. I would place the baby in a safe spot as far from mom during these times as possible. Do not let her break your rule.
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Old 07-15-2015, 06:21 AM
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Ditto PP's. Tell her that for the time being, she needs to focus on her own kiddo at arrivals and departures.

Personally, and this is my own old school thoughts, if my 2 year old had ever, ever done that in front of me, my reaction would have been ah..."strong" enough that it would have been the last time!
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Old 07-15-2015, 06:23 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Heidi View Post
Ditto PP's. Tell her that for the time being, she needs to focus on her own kiddo at arrivals and departures.

Personally, and this is my own old school thoughts, if my 2 year old had ever, ever done that in front of me, my reaction would have been ah..."strong" enough that it would have been the last time!
to the bolded.

...and yes, I agree with the others... tell mom she needs to focus on her child ONLY.
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Old 07-15-2015, 10:15 AM
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What was the reaction when child bit?
Here he'd have been picked up and carried to the time out spot within seconds of the bite. Same with any physical violence. I dont allow it without parents. I'm for darn sure not going to allow it with them there. Then I would continue to speak to mom until child calmed down.
Because right now.
He bites. Scratches. Whatever, and you take baby and mom scoops him up. Right?
He has found the fastest path to mommys arms.
And he knows it.
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Old 07-15-2015, 10:34 AM
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Yes, she instantly puts down baby & picks up dcb to talk to him, but its always a"baby is crying. We don't hurt baby." & that's the end of it. Then she holds dcb until she leaves. I was nice about it the first couple times, but i was ticked & I let her know it this last time. I'd been putting him in his crib in a separate room during drop off & pick up time, but she was late that day & I didn't want to leave him in there for a long time. I just happened to walk into the kitchen to grab something & she walked in at that moment & picked up baby. I was literally 3 seconds behind her, but my baby screamed as I was walking into the room. She commented that he just pinched the baby & he'd be fine, but it wasn't a pinch. He scratched him & drew blood & there is still a faint mark over a week later. She knew I was mad, but I was careful what I said b/c our families are friends, but I wanted to term effective immediately. Dcb was gone for a week for other reasons & I'm anxious about his return. I don't want to hurt feelings, but at this point if it happens again I feel like its on me, kwim?
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Old 07-15-2015, 10:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by laundrymom View Post
What was the reaction when child bit?
Here he'd have been picked up and carried to the time out spot within seconds of the bite. Same with any physical violence. I dont allow it without parents. I'm for darn sure not going to allow it with them there. Then I would continue to speak to mom until child calmed down.
Because right now.
He bites. Scratches. Whatever, and you take baby and mom scoops him up. Right?
He has found the fastest path to mommys arms.
And he knows it.
I feel like I should enforce time out even with her here, but she always picks him up & walks away instantly. I don't know where those boundaries lie since I'd have to take him from her to sit him down.
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Old 07-15-2015, 10:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Heidi View Post
Ditto PP's. Tell her that for the time being, she needs to focus on her own kiddo at arrivals and departures.

Personally, and this is my own old school thoughts, if my 2 year old had ever, ever done that in front of me, my reaction would have been ah..."strong" enough that it would have been the last time!
Yes, I've pulled my own child aside in front of daycare parents for a swift reprimand & loss of consequences. My kids know the consequences are the same regardless of who is here. Why don't other parents do the same with their kids? Its frustrating.
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Old 07-15-2015, 11:14 AM
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Originally Posted by mamamanda View Post
I feel like I should enforce time out even with her here, but she always picks him up & walks away instantly. I don't know where those boundaries lie since I'd have to take him from her to sit him down.
Tell her that.
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Old 07-15-2015, 11:25 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamamanda View Post
Yes, I've pulled my own child aside in front of daycare parents for a swift reprimand & loss of consequences. My kids know the consequences are the same regardless of who is here. Why don't other parents do the same with their kids? Its frustrating.
Haha...again, I'm a little old school, but the consequence would have been more than a reprimand.

I've only spanked my(now grown) kids less than a handful of times, but THAT would have been one of those times. Over the knee, hand stinging, spanking.
Violence may not be the answer to violence, but that is some serious S***.

Friend or no friend, you have a right to be angry. It's YOUR BABY! Please, stop worrying about hurting your "friends" feelings and tell her straight out that it WILL NOT happen again. Ever. SHE needs to make sure of that. Dang girl, I'm really mad for you here!
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Old 07-15-2015, 11:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Heidi View Post
Haha...again, I'm a little old school, but the consequence would have been more than a reprimand.

I've only spanked my(now grown) kids less than a handful of times, but THAT would have been one of those times. Over the knee, hand stinging, spanking.
Violence may not be the answer to violence, but that is some serious S***.

Friend or no friend, you have a right to be angry. It's YOUR BABY! Please, stop worrying about hurting your "friends" feelings and tell her straight out that it WILL NOT happen again. Ever. SHE needs to make sure of that. Dang girl, I'm really mad for you here!


I agree with Heidi. You need to be the advocate for your baby. Do you think dcm would be so flippant if it was the other way around? No way!
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Old 07-15-2015, 12:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamamanda View Post
Yes, I've pulled my own child aside in front of daycare parents for a swift reprimand & loss of consequences. My kids know the consequences are the same regardless of who is here. Why don't other parents do the same with their kids? Its frustrating.
I think it is time to give mom a time out. If you continue care, then the minute she comes in and heads for baby, say "AH AH AH, mom we do not touch baby at pick up until your little one can control his behavior!" You could also tell her you need to start meeting at the door and doing a quick pick up, as dcb is using this time as a means to be violent to your child.

Personally, I would be p!ssed and if mom picked up her kid, I would go to her and tell her to give him to me for a timeout, as his behavior is unacceptable. I would also term, but that can be hard with friends. I watch my great friend's little girl and one day she slapped her mom in the face. You better believe I instantly scolded her and she broke down in tears and of course, mom cuddled and cooed her and made me feel like slapping her too The mom, not the dcg! But, I made it a point that violence to ANYONE will not be overlooked just because mom is here.
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Old 07-15-2015, 12:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamamanda View Post
Yes, she instantly puts down baby & picks up dcb to talk to him, but its always a"baby is crying. We don't hurt baby." & that's the end of it. Then she holds dcb until she leaves. I was nice about it the first couple times, but i was ticked & I let her know it this last time. I'd been putting him in his crib in a separate room during drop off & pick up time, but she was late that day & I didn't want to leave him in there for a long time. I just happened to walk into the kitchen to grab something & she walked in at that moment & picked up baby. I was literally 3 seconds behind her, but my baby screamed as I was walking into the room. She commented that he just pinched the baby & he'd be fine, but it wasn't a pinch. He scratched him & drew blood & there is still a faint mark over a week later. She knew I was mad, but I was careful what I said b/c our families are friends, but I wanted to term effective immediately. Dcb was gone for a week for other reasons & I'm anxious about his return. I don't want to hurt feelings, but at this point if it happens again I feel like its on me, kwim?
So what's going to happen when he scratches your baby again, but this time gets an eye? A scratch hard enough to bleed could permanently blind your baby. There is NO way I would keep this child.

No friendship is enough to risk my child's safety. I assume you have a daycare so you can be home with your child- you also know that this DCB is purposely hurting your child to get attention from his mother. Now that he knows it works it is unlikely that getting him to stop will be a quick or easy process, regardless of how you and the mother now choose to react to him. He will most likely escalate also. Every time you have him near the baby and he thinks the baby is getting attention he wants he may attack your child, and every attack has the propensity to permanently injure you child. That may seem harsh, but it is the truth.

I would give 2 weeks notice and keep him separate from the baby at all times until he leaves. I would also suggest to the mother that your DC is no longer a good fit, and that he may do better at a place with children his age or older.
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Old 08-05-2015, 05:47 PM
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So dcb has been gone for almost a week now & Ds seems so much more relaxed & at ease. I don't feel paranoid about him all day now & its wonderful! And the little girl who replaced him is so sweet & kind to the baby. Ds just learned to stand & bounce without immediately falling over so today they were "dancing" to music from a toy piano together. Cutest. Thing. Ever. Thanks for all the advice. In the end having him move on was best for all.
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