HELP! I have a DCB (6mos) who's parents are starting to drive me insane! Im hoping that some of you OT can help me find something clever to say to put an end to this madness!!!

*quick background*- DCB has not been, lets just say, my "easiest" child in care since he started 3mos ago. He had a REALLY hard time adjusting to daycare & I had actually given the 2wk term notice, when he miraculously adjusted He has come a long way & I have excepted that he is just a whiny baby. DCP are great on the business aspect. They respect me & my policies, always pay on time, pick up on time etc.

The problem is, that every time DCB has a "rough day" I can see panic set in on DCM face & I have to constantly reassure her that everyone has bad days, & that DCB is NOT regressing! Not only that, I am SO SICK TO DEATH of hearing, "thats strange bc at home he does xyz.." or "thats really strange, he NEVER acts like that at home.." It's starting to make me feel really defensive. So how do you guys stop this? I want to say something clever but nice because this DCM is super sensitive & paranoid.

This week DCM started bringing baby food for DCB. I told DCM that DCB will take one bite & then will not open his mouth for more. Yesterday, I told her that I tried giving him another spoon to play with & he still wouldnt eat. DCD always drops off in the morning so today he hands me a 2 page note from DCM saying to make sure his food is heated, that she doesnt want him chewing on a spoon, & the usual, I dont understand why hes not eating at daycare because when he gets home he gobbles it up.

HELLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPP!!! Every time she gives me "advice" it makes me mad because DUH! you dont think Ive already tried those things? Come on! This isnt my first day on the job

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Advice given to me many years ago when I first started daycare...you don't have to tell the parents everything. Just give general updates and only details when there is a specific issue. That way they will have less to obsess about.

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This is good advice! The more info you give a parent, the more you give them to micro-manage.

When parents say "They don't do X at home" my reply is "Well this is not home and my focus is on what he does and does not do HERE."

Parent: "Well I just find it odd that he does/doesn't do X at home...."

Me: "I am only concerned about HERE."

No matter what the parent says about home, I just continue to redirect them to the concept that HERE is the only place I can change or focus on. HERE.

If it gets REALLY bad, I will outright ask them "If he does X at home but won't HERE then HERE must not be the right fit for him. Are you wanting to submit your notice of withdrawal?" That usually stops any talk of behavior at home pretty quickly.

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Does mom expect a note back?

I would personally smile. Say thank you. And stick it in her file.

But if a response is needed,

"I know it's frustrating but children behave differently in a classroom of their peers. Keep in mind that baby''s food amounts are on target with the guidelines in place for childcare and that they get the bulk of their nutrition in the first year from breast milk or formula. Starting table food is an exciting time of discovery for both baby and caregivers. Im jazzed to be part of the process for your family. Be assured that if I feel baby is not on target with their peers or lacking a particular skill I will schedule a conference to discuss. "

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Thank you for the advice! I really value my fellow providers experience & advice!

I will definitely try to keep it very basic with telling her how DCB day went. I keep a daily log for my babies, so say DCM reads that DCB took a short a nap. She'll then start asking if he was fussy, did he cry himself to sleep etc. so I always end up oversharing Then, like clockwork the next day Ill have a note from her with advice & its ALWAYS things that I've already tried, so then I feel like I have to let her know that Im not a complete moron & I obviously have tried xyz.

What should I do about the food thing? Bc I know when DCM picks up tonight, shes going to be upset if he hasnt eaten the food. I have been telling DCP for over a week that I think some of DCB behaviors are related to teething. They responded saying that they dont feel any bumps & disregarded what I said. They do that a lot. It seems that "Mother Knows Best" because she reads a lot of baby books

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Baby is on target for food. I dont understand why she is concerned.

Possibly because she thinks if you can BUY food marketed for a certain aged child in a particular size jar it should all be consumed at one time.
That's as ridiculous as saying if I can BUY a string bikini in a size 28. I should wear it when taking my teens to the pool.

Have her read the jar. It specifically says to remove desired portion and refrigerate any leftovers.

Fns. Dot. USDA. Dot gov.
Find infant meal pattern.
Print. Hand out.
Relax. You're doing great.

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Just be honest with her and tell her that you fully understand being a first time mom but her constant notes and directions are in a way insulting. I understand she believes that mother knows her baby best BUT that applies only when mother is the one providing the care....since it is you that she is trusting to provide the care, then she needs to trust that you are doing it and doing it very well.

I would let her know that your role is to offer to baby ONLY. You can NOT force a child to eat and if she instructs you to do so, you can tell her licensing would not be okay with it.

Let her know you offer and that is it. Baby eats when baby wants to eat. Also eats however much or little as he wants. You have zero control over that.

The ONLY option I would offer her is that if baby does not eat what she wants him to (and when) you will call for immediate pick up. She will then need to come pick up and take care of feeding on her time. I would not allow baby to return once picked up.

Usually when given that option, parents back off and let you do your job. It's hard for first time parents to understand they need to give up some of that control but when you choose to enroll your child in daycare, you have to come to terms with that and it sounds like this mom hasn't.

You just need to be firm with her and let her know basically that you know what you are doing and you do it well. She needs to back off and let you do your thing. If she can't.....call for pick up every single time.

Eventually that will get old and she'll start to understand the error in her ways.

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I don't think it has anything to do with actually eating/not eating....I think it's a control issue.

The lengthy notes, the need for details....this is a mom that is having trouble adjusting to the fact that someone else might know whats best for her baby.

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She honestly sounds like a control freak. It's pretty weird, even for a FTM.

Here's what I would do- "Yes! Children do behave differently at home. It's quiet and less distracting at meal times. Glad he's doing so great on solids!"

Keep it positive, but on topic.

"Yes, slept a little less today. Sleep can vary, he'll make up for it at bedtime I'm sure!"

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This. And see if she will send food for the week. That way there won't be daily scrutiny of food eaten. Baby will usually even out consumption over the week. If in your estimation baby is doing fine, just say baby did fine. If you return jars at the end of the week, wash out opened jars. Nothing to scrutinize. Try to create a little separation between mom and daily routine. Mom's anxiety will go down too.

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Thank you all again for the wonderful advice! Im nervous, but today I am going to try to not say much at all & see what happens.

I've definitely been empathetic to Mom because I know that I was a little cray cray when I first had my daughter However, my child has always been home with me. Like BC said, I really think that this is more of a control thing mixed with a little mom guilt (insert-"only mommy can fix it" mentality). I saw red flags in the beginning when she would constantly ask (in different variations) if she could come here & "hang out" for a little bit. I shut that down immediately. Then, when he was having a hard time adjusting, she wanted to come observe & help him feel more comfortable. No ma'am. I find myself walking on egg shells with her because she's so sensitive & has cried MANY times here when he's had a bad day.

With the food, she sends a jar of homemade baby food & wants it to be sent home each night so she can see how much he ate.

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Also, I just wanted to add that in the beginning when DCB was having such a hard time adjusting, every single day I reminded her that children are different in daycare than they are at home.

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He should be getting most of his nutrition from his bottle, so whether he eats a bite or not is really not that important. I would tell her that until his nutrition is dependent on solid foods, you will not be concerned with AMOUNTS. It is simply opening up his world to new foods, but that is all. I agree with BC that this is a control issue and I agree with the first poster as well. Sometimes, the less you say, the better.

P.S. I had this mom and she never chilled out so it didn't work out. I would get firm and fast

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Can you just include baby food? He's old enough to be getting some finger foods if he's capable. Ripe diced avocado, peas, diced steamed carrots, etc. My own infants HATED jarred baby food. I then made a lot of my own, and we did finger foods mostly since we started solids later in the game (not until they could sit unassisted, around 6m+)

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This what I do. I HATE jarred baby food and the pouches! I would much rather puree or dice up the foods we eat and have them work on their fine motor skills It is cheaper, healthier (imo) and it takes away this pressure of monitoring intake amounts. They eat or they don't, but they get to experience new foods and gain independence by feeding themselves.

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YES! I think it also makes a nice streamlined transition from baby-real food. Just dice less, etc. They ate the same as we did pretty much by 8-10 months.

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didnt get a chance to read all of them. Looks like you had some great people chime in.

I always turn it into a positive.

EXample: DCM sends me a text, why did dcg come home with her pants on inside out and backwards???

My response: Oh you saw, aren't you so proud of her. She did it all on her own. CELEBRATE!!

DCM: oh that explains everything

me: I love that she is feeling so confident and capable to want to do things on her own and even more happy that WE can provide her with plenty of opportunities to practice. Yeah dCG!!!!

We reap what we sow right....I found that turning most things into a positive will turn the parents around and get them looking at it the same way.

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Yeah, I would too. If you are providing it, you won't have to give as much info.

I've mentioned this before, but we've done tons of eating therapy, failure to thrive, tube feeding and so on, and one of the things I came out with is to not really stress toooo much about the eating. If their doctor is fine with their growth charts then there isn't a problem.

I would really downplay the issue and just do your best to find food the kids likes and if the child only eats a little, well that's the child's decision. They really are able to make that choice even at a young age.

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As a parent (I know you asked for providers' feedback, I'm a therapist so maybe the empathy is just overwhelming) I read in your description this mom still suffering from fear of termination. It sounds like you're a provider who is committed, knowledgeable, caring, and bring a lot of experience to the table. I'd be afraid of losing you too! If my provider had given me two weeks and then my child was able to catch up well enough to stay I'd be nervous about every "bad" report too out of fear of losing out on a good thing. Would you feel comfortable trying to reassure her that you're not thinking about terminating? Would it be true to tell her that? I can't help but wonder if she had a clearer idea of where that line is for her child's behavior now if she might stop working so hard to convince you he's "good" at home. I want to be sure I say that this does all seem to be her perception, not that I believe you've contributed to her fears.

Often in my work I talk to people who express fears that others do not like them. Conversations about the importance of being honest when you have a positive thing to share or a negative thing to say seem to help them realize this fear comes from their own inability to comfortably provide negative feedback. Once they can see that people of value are trustworthy when they tell you what you like to hear & what you don't it's easier to trust they're getting the whole truth all the time. Point being, I suspect she's afraid that you're more frustrated than you are & is trying to "fix" that in the best way she can without having an honest conversation with you. I hope you're able to model that for her as you sound more confident than the mom you're describing.

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Thank you!

Maybe DCM would disagree, but I feel like I have made it crystal clear that I am not going to give up on this family. Even when I gave the 2 week term notice, through tears, (& admitting that this had me feeling like a failure) I told them that if things started getting better in that 2 week period, that I would certainly love to keep DCB here. I also told them that I would not be advertising or interviewing for his spot. After talking to DCP, we agreed that things were infact getting better. I've talked to them several times about how now looking back, I think maybe DCB just had a lot going on (teething, separation from mom, new place etc) when he started here. I also make sure that, on good days I rave about how far DCB has come & how I am so happy that things worked out for all of us. Im just not sure what else I can do to reassure her?

I cant help but think that this really is just a control issue for DCM. Like I said before, she has tried multiple times to come here & observe our day. She provides EVERYTHING for DCB, even toys. Whenever I give advice or a simple, "I think he may have some teething pain..." I always feel like it is disregarded & its insulting. I dont know everything, nor do I act like I do- but I am mom & Ive been in childcare most of my life. Im not asking her to always agree with me, but it seems like she doesnt even consider what I have to say. "Mother knows best" attitude, driving me bonkers!

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he could still have lingering fear of termination. Or ...
She could be going through mom guilt of having to leave her baby with someone else so she can go back to work.
She could be going through control issues, "I know what's best for my baby and no one else can care for my baby like I can"
Maybe it's a little of everything.

Like others have said, less is more. Give less details about the baby's day. If you keep a log about his day try to keep it simple and just write down times.
Breakfast 8:45 am
Wet diaper 9:15 am
Bottle 9:20 am
Soiled diaper 10:15 am
etc

Can you get away with not writing down exact amounts of bottles and food the baby ate? Try it. If she asks about it you can say "Oh yeah, I get super busy and didn't write down how much did I. He ate just fine. He's improving everyday and is much happier than when he first started"

I have a DCB(1) that started rocky like this and much like your daycare baby he just whines a lot, doesn't really cry just whines when he wants something. I don't tell the mom he does it though because at home DCB has mom, dad, grandma, grandpa and aunt that spend a lot of time with him so I have a feeling that they cater a lot to him at home so it's an adjustment here to have to share one adult with several children. DCM, DCD and grandma ask how his day went and I always say "He had a great day. We played with the blocks, read stories, played outside and had he had a nap to rest up after all of that" That's it. Just general info. I don't need to tell her that little Jimmy took a block out of his hand and he cried for a couple of minutes, or that he cried for a couple of minutes because he wanted Suzie's story, that Johny accidentally bumped into him outside and knocked him over and he cried or even that he got really fussy and super whiney because he was tired so I napped him.

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I do think that it is a little bit of everything with DCM & I've been empathetic because I totally get it. This food thing has just frustrating.

Yesterday I kept it super light at pick up & I definitely saw a difference immediately! I guess the Mom in me wants to tell them every detail, but I need to act more like a provider!

DCB has no issues with the bottles. But with the homemade baby food, she wants that sent home every night.

My DCB lives with both parents & grandparents too! In the beginning I could tell that he was having a hard time adjusting because he was getting every ones undivided attention at home.

I really think that if I pull back on giving her so much info. then things will get better!

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Thank you! I feel this way but it's really helpful to hear someone else with your experience to say it. There came a point when I realized that it's possible to be kind and honest at the same time, although also there are those times when "firm" seems a bit more important than "nice."

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Sounds like you've done all you can to alleviate her angst and this isn't about you but about her. I wonder if just reflecting how she feels to help her better recognize her ownership of this or if you could kindly tell her how it effects you when she says these things.

I'd think about something like:
DCM "really? He never does that at home."
You: "that can be really confusing huh?"

DCM: "I wish he'd eat everything."
You: "it can feel nerve wracking when we watch our babies learn how to eat."

This might protect you from feeling on the defensive and help her run out of things to say or see that you understand where she's coming from.

On the other hand you could be direct about your emotional response and say "wow, hearing that makes me wonder if you trust my care for DCB." or "I can't help but interpret that you worry about DCB while he's with me. What can I do?"

She does sound like she'll be a lot of work and that's hard when you're already working so hard to care for kiddos all day.

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I love this. The past few days I have been trying to give less details & it seems like it has helped!

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