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Kabob 05:23 AM 03-09-2015
I'm fresh out of ideas for curbing dcb's behavior and need some new ideas for today...
Dcb turned 2 last month and since then he has been very difficult. He has been difficult since day 1 from throwing extended screaming fits to biting but I was able to curb those behaviors and have somewhat normal days until he turned 2. Then it was like someone cranked up the difficulty level to the point where I dread his arrival and feel instant relief when he's gone. For every 1 time I have to redirect or otherwise stop a behavior from 1 child, he needs to be redirected or stopped at least 10-15 times. It's stressful.
Anyway, the behaviors I'm really struggling with are:
1) Toy taking. He ddoesn't play. He just constantly tries to take and hoard toys. In the past, telling him "no take. Go play" worked wonders but he has regressed to the point where he has to be separated from the group in his own play area until he is calm and/or we move to a new activity.
2) Hitting/kicking/spitting/pushing. He does this immediately upon arrival and throughout the day. I observed that often he does this to assert control over the other children. He also likes their reaction. I taught them to say "stop" when he is trying to get rough but also seems to make him lash out more and they also tell him that they don't like it and they often move away from him as he approaches but that makes him more excited and he does it more so I have to intervene as soon as I see him getting ready to hit/push/etc and then tell him "no hit/push/etc. That hurts." And then move him to his own area to play. But now he does it randomly as he is walking by or when excited or when he sees another child playing...so I tried making his day more structured and adding in more physical activities but that did nothing...the behavior is worse than ever to the point where he hits himself or throws anything within reach if I remove access to the other children.
3) Not playing toys. I mentioned this before but this is to the extreme where if he isn't allowed to hoard or take toys from others, he refuses to pick a toy to play with or play with the toy given to him. He'll do everything but play. He climbs my furniture, kicks my walls, kicks the floor, slams into things, headbutts things, tries to hang from doorknobs, climbs on the wall using the baseboards, etc. I redirect him to sit and play constantly and give him options but he won't do it. Giving him appropriate physical activities don't work as either this makes him more aggressive towards the other children or he will go back to his poor behavior as soon as we go to the next activity. I can't spend all day entertaining him alone, which is the only time he seems to focus for a little while.
I've tried talking to his parents about it, but dcm just says she can't say no to him at home or else he throws massive fits and describes him as touchy. Dcd blames dcm and says she spoils him and feeds him sugar and gives in all the time and doesn't enforce bedtime and so forth. Neither take responsibility. I have sent home notes saying he needs to work on xyz and they say he's fine at home. He probably is since he doesn't have other kids to compete with.
What else can I do? I'm ready to set an end date for him as I am seeing a lot of regression and my usual tricks aren't working anymore. He is very smart and pretty verbal so I know I can get through to him...I honestly don't know if I can do this much longer though...
Dcb turned 2 last month and since then he has been very difficult. He has been difficult since day 1 from throwing extended screaming fits to biting but I was able to curb those behaviors and have somewhat normal days until he turned 2. Then it was like someone cranked up the difficulty level to the point where I dread his arrival and feel instant relief when he's gone. For every 1 time I have to redirect or otherwise stop a behavior from 1 child, he needs to be redirected or stopped at least 10-15 times. It's stressful.
Anyway, the behaviors I'm really struggling with are:
1) Toy taking. He ddoesn't play. He just constantly tries to take and hoard toys. In the past, telling him "no take. Go play" worked wonders but he has regressed to the point where he has to be separated from the group in his own play area until he is calm and/or we move to a new activity.
2) Hitting/kicking/spitting/pushing. He does this immediately upon arrival and throughout the day. I observed that often he does this to assert control over the other children. He also likes their reaction. I taught them to say "stop" when he is trying to get rough but also seems to make him lash out more and they also tell him that they don't like it and they often move away from him as he approaches but that makes him more excited and he does it more so I have to intervene as soon as I see him getting ready to hit/push/etc and then tell him "no hit/push/etc. That hurts." And then move him to his own area to play. But now he does it randomly as he is walking by or when excited or when he sees another child playing...so I tried making his day more structured and adding in more physical activities but that did nothing...the behavior is worse than ever to the point where he hits himself or throws anything within reach if I remove access to the other children.
3) Not playing toys. I mentioned this before but this is to the extreme where if he isn't allowed to hoard or take toys from others, he refuses to pick a toy to play with or play with the toy given to him. He'll do everything but play. He climbs my furniture, kicks my walls, kicks the floor, slams into things, headbutts things, tries to hang from doorknobs, climbs on the wall using the baseboards, etc. I redirect him to sit and play constantly and give him options but he won't do it. Giving him appropriate physical activities don't work as either this makes him more aggressive towards the other children or he will go back to his poor behavior as soon as we go to the next activity. I can't spend all day entertaining him alone, which is the only time he seems to focus for a little while.
I've tried talking to his parents about it, but dcm just says she can't say no to him at home or else he throws massive fits and describes him as touchy. Dcd blames dcm and says she spoils him and feeds him sugar and gives in all the time and doesn't enforce bedtime and so forth. Neither take responsibility. I have sent home notes saying he needs to work on xyz and they say he's fine at home. He probably is since he doesn't have other kids to compete with.
What else can I do? I'm ready to set an end date for him as I am seeing a lot of regression and my usual tricks aren't working anymore. He is very smart and pretty verbal so I know I can get through to him...I honestly don't know if I can do this much longer though...
Gemma 09:14 AM 03-09-2015
Originally Posted by Kabob:
I've tried talking to his parents about it, but dcm just says she can't say no to him at home or else he throws massive fits
That right there is a major red flag for things to come! You think he's bad now, imagine how much worse it can get ....I would Term!I've tried talking to his parents about it, but dcm just says she can't say no to him at home or else he throws massive fits
Unregistered 09:36 AM 03-09-2015
Originally Posted by Gemma:
That right there is a major red flag for things to come! You think he's bad now, imagine how much worse it can get ....I would Term!
They have to be on board or nothing is gonna work.That right there is a major red flag for things to come! You think he's bad now, imagine how much worse it can get ....I would Term!
daycarediva 11:40 AM 03-09-2015
It isn't getting better, they aren't on board. It's time for a reality check. Have a conference. "Dcm, Dcd, this is what Joey is doing. He can be sweet/kind whatever 1:1, but these behaviors are not socially acceptable and as he ages, it's creating issues with the other children. We need to get on board to teach Joey lifelong social skills. Here is our game plan for the next two weeks to improve behavior drastically. I will need full support at home. If at the end of the two week period I haven't seen significant improvement, I will have no choice but to terminate our child care contract."
This child is just going to get bigger and harder to manage. The parents may need to hear NO multiple times before they actually HEAR that there is an issue.
This child is just going to get bigger and harder to manage. The parents may need to hear NO multiple times before they actually HEAR that there is an issue.
Kabob 11:57 AM 03-09-2015
I don't have him today and boy did it make me realize how stressed out he was making all of us. The kids actually played and played well together without issues. I really think today unexpectedly gave me my answer...I'm going to have to email the parents and give them 2 weeks to help him shape up or ship out...I would tell them in person but I can't talk to them at drop off or pickup due to me having to make that short and sweet or else he is completely out of control and wrecks my house and tries to roll down my stairs.
I may have upset dcm last week because I made it clear that I was unhappy with the way she was handling pickup since she was still letting him run loose even though all she has to do is take him to the car since I do all the work of getting his shoes and coat on...I was so fed up with her intentionally not listening to me about pickup that procedure that I was super blunt when I told her to put her shoes back on 3 times before she listened...then told her to not let him go this time and to leave immediately.
I may have upset dcm last week because I made it clear that I was unhappy with the way she was handling pickup since she was still letting him run loose even though all she has to do is take him to the car since I do all the work of getting his shoes and coat on...I was so fed up with her intentionally not listening to me about pickup that procedure that I was super blunt when I told her to put her shoes back on 3 times before she listened...then told her to not let him go this time and to leave immediately.
KIDZRMYBIZ 12:34 PM 03-09-2015
I feel your pain. It seems like many parents today feel that the behavior you're describing is "age-appropriate," and all those bad habits are just going to disappear one day soon, as they "grow out of it."
I have one kiddo now that is really something else. As it turns out, the whole family has issues (older siblings get in trouble at school, school threatening to report to cps). The dcd will tell me things that I cannot BELIEVE he would share with me regarding their problems. My grievance list with them is quite long. It wouldn't make a lick bit of difference to try to talk with them about it.
So, I thought about how much money they would have to pay me to be willing to continue providing care. What weekly amount would make it worth my while, ya know? And the magic number is $25 more per week. So...May 1st I will be letting this family know that when they return for care next fall (dcm is a teacher, which makes their situation even more terrible) what the new sky-high rate will be, and they have all month to decide if they want to come back.
So, in my scenario, it looks as though it's nothing personal, just a rate hike, take it or leave it. This is how I get rid of someone who will never see their child's behavior through my eyes.
I have one kiddo now that is really something else. As it turns out, the whole family has issues (older siblings get in trouble at school, school threatening to report to cps). The dcd will tell me things that I cannot BELIEVE he would share with me regarding their problems. My grievance list with them is quite long. It wouldn't make a lick bit of difference to try to talk with them about it.
So, I thought about how much money they would have to pay me to be willing to continue providing care. What weekly amount would make it worth my while, ya know? And the magic number is $25 more per week. So...May 1st I will be letting this family know that when they return for care next fall (dcm is a teacher, which makes their situation even more terrible) what the new sky-high rate will be, and they have all month to decide if they want to come back.
So, in my scenario, it looks as though it's nothing personal, just a rate hike, take it or leave it. This is how I get rid of someone who will never see their child's behavior through my eyes.
Unregistered 01:14 PM 03-09-2015
Originally Posted by KIDZRMYBIZ:
I feel your pain. It seems like many parents today feel that the behavior you're describing is "age-appropriate," and all those bad habits are just going to disappear one day soon, as they "grow out of it."
People say that all the time! Yes it is age appropriate, now use age appropriate dicipline! Drives me crazyI feel your pain. It seems like many parents today feel that the behavior you're describing is "age-appropriate," and all those bad habits are just going to disappear one day soon, as they "grow out of it."
daycare 03:56 PM 03-09-2015
have you done any ASQ DE or SE on the child.
I did on all of my kids and the one that I was having a similar issue with, i did the ASQ SE on by sending it home for the parents. one for mom and one for dad. then we sat to discuss. they needed to be sent out for professional eval, which got the ball rolling. they knew that they were not doing DCK right by always giving in and the ASQ was proof. They were contacted by my county who then required they do a follow up. Since the child has been in counseling and parents took parenting classes life with this child has been so much better.
Everyone enjoys this child now,and the thing I love the most is that the child is at peace with himself. he is not an out of control rage freak becuase he does not get to do that anymore.
I would start with that and see if the parents are on board with doing one and if they are not, then you need to consider cutting ties.
I did on all of my kids and the one that I was having a similar issue with, i did the ASQ SE on by sending it home for the parents. one for mom and one for dad. then we sat to discuss. they needed to be sent out for professional eval, which got the ball rolling. they knew that they were not doing DCK right by always giving in and the ASQ was proof. They were contacted by my county who then required they do a follow up. Since the child has been in counseling and parents took parenting classes life with this child has been so much better.
Everyone enjoys this child now,and the thing I love the most is that the child is at peace with himself. he is not an out of control rage freak becuase he does not get to do that anymore.
I would start with that and see if the parents are on board with doing one and if they are not, then you need to consider cutting ties.
Kabob 04:23 PM 03-09-2015
I could ask for more fees but that doesn't fix the issues and thus we all will still be stressed. 
I have considered maybe he needs evaluation...he has regressed to just babbling like a baby lately instead of talking but that's usually during play time (he does verbally use words to ask for wants and needs). I wasn't sure if that was due to him mimicking my baby or doing it for attention as he is babied at home. He mentally seems to act like a 1 year old...still not sure if that is a by-product of his home life....for instance, he still is bottle fed milk at home...
I plan to go through with the letter/email and set a date for change to happen...today was so different without him that even the kids were more mellow...
I have considered maybe he needs evaluation...he has regressed to just babbling like a baby lately instead of talking but that's usually during play time (he does verbally use words to ask for wants and needs). I wasn't sure if that was due to him mimicking my baby or doing it for attention as he is babied at home. He mentally seems to act like a 1 year old...still not sure if that is a by-product of his home life....for instance, he still is bottle fed milk at home...
I plan to go through with the letter/email and set a date for change to happen...today was so different without him that even the kids were more mellow...
Thriftylady 04:26 PM 03-09-2015
Two and still bottle fed? Oh boy.
daycare 04:32 PM 03-09-2015
Originally Posted by Kabob:
I could ask for more fees but that doesn't fix the issues and thus we all will still be stressed.
I have considered maybe he needs evaluation...he has regressed to just babbling like a baby lately instead of talking but that's usually during play time (he does verbally use words to ask for wants and needs). I wasn't sure if that was due to him mimicking my baby or doing it for attention as he is babied at home. He mentally seems to act like a 1 year old...still not sure if that is a by-product of his home life....for instance, he still is bottle fed milk at home...
I plan to go through with the letter/email and set a date for change to happen...today was so different without him that even the kids were more mellow...
there is something to be said about that. i have one like this who will be leaving in the fall. He was gone two days last week and we just had the best days ever without him. made me realize that I should have parted ways with this child and family moons ago.I could ask for more fees but that doesn't fix the issues and thus we all will still be stressed.
I have considered maybe he needs evaluation...he has regressed to just babbling like a baby lately instead of talking but that's usually during play time (he does verbally use words to ask for wants and needs). I wasn't sure if that was due to him mimicking my baby or doing it for attention as he is babied at home. He mentally seems to act like a 1 year old...still not sure if that is a by-product of his home life....for instance, he still is bottle fed milk at home...
I plan to go through with the letter/email and set a date for change to happen...today was so different without him that even the kids were more mellow...
maybe its time to put that star on the calendar....or if you really think you have done all you can, throw in the towel, no one will fault you for it. You have to take care of your own sanity in thiz biz......
Kabob 04:34 PM 03-09-2015
Originally Posted by Thriftylady:
Two and still bottle fed? Oh boy.
They say it's the only way he'll go to sleep at home. I haven't brought it up because he sleeps fine here and I have taught him to drink from a cup easily. Two and still bottle fed? Oh boy.
I really have tried hard to be nonjudgmental since they are first time parents and I know I made my share of parenting goofs with my first child (I nursed him to sleep the first year
). I just say something about the stuff that directly affects me...like the pickup craziness.
Kabob 04:38 PM 03-09-2015
Originally Posted by daycare:
there is something to be said about that. i have one like this who will be leaving in the fall. He was gone two days last week and we just had the best days ever without him. made me realize that I should have parted ways with this child and family moons ago.
maybe its time to put that star on the calendar....or if you really think you have done all you can, throw in the towel, no one will fault you for it. You have to take care of your own sanity in thiz biz......
Yeah...I don't feel so wound up today. I'm more positive. I usually get very negative when I feel trapped. Having a star on my calendar has already made me feel more positive about daycare again...little things don't bug me as much....there is something to be said about that. i have one like this who will be leaving in the fall. He was gone two days last week and we just had the best days ever without him. made me realize that I should have parted ways with this child and family moons ago.
maybe its time to put that star on the calendar....or if you really think you have done all you can, throw in the towel, no one will fault you for it. You have to take care of your own sanity in thiz biz......
Also helped that we were outside a bunch today! Thinking Spring!
daycare 04:51 PM 03-09-2015
Originally Posted by Kabob:
Yeah...I don't feel so wound up today. I'm more positive. I usually get very negative when I feel trapped. Having a star on my calendar has already made me feel more positive about daycare again...little things don't bug me as much....
Also helped that we were outside a bunch today! Thinking Spring!
well gald to hear that you are feeling well, that is really the most important thing. I think that you are on to something and are off to a good start on how to end this issue.Yeah...I don't feel so wound up today. I'm more positive. I usually get very negative when I feel trapped. Having a star on my calendar has already made me feel more positive about daycare again...little things don't bug me as much....
Also helped that we were outside a bunch today! Thinking Spring!
It sucks when parents don't see what they need to and it's really hard for us to be able to point it out without hurting feelings or conflict. Not all parents are able to hear the bad news and understand that something must be done about it. I had one of these, but then told them either you get on board, take a parenting class and start backing me up or i am done and you need to look else where. the parent got on board and things have been much better, still shaky, but better....
I hope that there is light at the end of your tunnel soon....