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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>"I'm Not Your Friend, HMPH!"
EntropyControlSpecialist 05:55 AM 05-22-2013
Do you let kids say to each other, "I'm not your friend! HMPH!" every time they don't get their way with another child and then go off and pout with great frequency or do you intervene?
rmc20021 06:03 AM 05-22-2013
I don't have that problem with the kids I have now, but when I had daycare many years ago, there was one girl who started that trend within my daycare.
Every single time she did not get her way, she would tell the other child she wasn't her friend any more. Other kids picked up on it...even though I did try to intervene...they would still do it secretly when I couldn't catch them.
To this day, that same girl who started it (she is 22 now and has a child of her own) continues to pull that same card in her relationship.
IF I were to have that issue again, I would definitely try to put a stop to it and try harder than I did back then...you live and you learn. I saw it many years ago, but didn't realize the long term consequences of it then.
Every single time she did not get her way, she would tell the other child she wasn't her friend any more. Other kids picked up on it...even though I did try to intervene...they would still do it secretly when I couldn't catch them.
To this day, that same girl who started it (she is 22 now and has a child of her own) continues to pull that same card in her relationship.
IF I were to have that issue again, I would definitely try to put a stop to it and try harder than I did back then...you live and you learn. I saw it many years ago, but didn't realize the long term consequences of it then.
Evansmom 06:03 AM 05-22-2013
I only intervene if it escalates from that. If all they say is "I'm not your friend" and the other child isn't too bothered by it I let it go.
MissAnn 06:09 AM 05-22-2013
Originally Posted by EntropyControlSpecialist:
Do you let kids say to each other, "I'm not your friend! HMPH!" every time they don't get their way with another child and then go off and pout with great frequency or do you intervene?
Oh, you aren't friends? Ok.....you can go play over here and you can keep playing what you were playing.Do you let kids say to each other, "I'm not your friend! HMPH!" every time they don't get their way with another child and then go off and pout with great frequency or do you intervene?
preschoolteacher 06:10 AM 05-22-2013
This is one of the things that makes you sad to hear kids saying to each other... but then again, you don't want to force kids to "be friends" either. I think I would say that we only use nice words with each other at daycare.
Leigh 06:13 AM 05-22-2013
The "mean" one, in this case, gets told to go find something else to do if they don't want to be friends with the one they are bullying. They quickly decide that they want the friendship.
blandino 06:23 AM 05-22-2013
I don't let them say "I am not your friend". I allow them to say "I don't want to play with you right now. Preferably followed by a reason for why thy don't want to play with them".
I think that can also help a child who is playing obnoxiously to understand why no one wants to be his friend/play with him.
I think that can also help a child who is playing obnoxiously to understand why no one wants to be his friend/play with him.
Play Care 06:28 AM 05-22-2013
One of my big "rules" is that we don't have to be friends with everyone, but we do need to be KIND to everyone.
That said, I handle this the same way I would any aggressive behavior - the child gets an immediate TO/thinking time (I know, I'm a big meanie) and if they can't play nicely with others (meaning they have a history of the "I'm not your friend" or my favorite "you can't come to my birthday party!") they can play by themselves.
Mostly I find this behavior with 4 yo girls who are just learning the power of their words. What I do to try to prevent it is to give them other language to use when they are bothered by their peers "You can tell Sally that you don't like when she does that" or "Tell Tommy he is in your space." I praise them for using the "right" words to tell their friends they are upset/bothered and try to gently point out "see, when you told Henry he was in your space, he knew to back up! Good job!"
I wouldn't ignore it, because it does tend to catch on...
That said, I handle this the same way I would any aggressive behavior - the child gets an immediate TO/thinking time (I know, I'm a big meanie) and if they can't play nicely with others (meaning they have a history of the "I'm not your friend" or my favorite "you can't come to my birthday party!") they can play by themselves.
Mostly I find this behavior with 4 yo girls who are just learning the power of their words. What I do to try to prevent it is to give them other language to use when they are bothered by their peers "You can tell Sally that you don't like when she does that" or "Tell Tommy he is in your space." I praise them for using the "right" words to tell their friends they are upset/bothered and try to gently point out "see, when you told Henry he was in your space, he knew to back up! Good job!"
I wouldn't ignore it, because it does tend to catch on...
Play Care 06:31 AM 05-22-2013
Originally Posted by blandino:
I don't let them say "I am not your friend". I allow them to say "I don't want to play with you right now. Preferably followed by a reason for why thy don't want to play with them".
I think that can also help a child who is playing obnoxiously to understand why no one wants to be his friend/play with him.
I like this! I would use this if the reason behind the "I'm am not your friend" is that the one child is not playing well.I don't let them say "I am not your friend". I allow them to say "I don't want to play with you right now. Preferably followed by a reason for why thy don't want to play with them".
I think that can also help a child who is playing obnoxiously to understand why no one wants to be his friend/play with him.
wdmmom 06:50 AM 05-22-2013
Originally Posted by MissAnn:
Oh, you aren't friends? Ok.....you can go play over here and you can keep playing what you were playing.
Yepper! That's exactly what I do. Oh, you aren't friends? Ok.....you can go play over here and you can keep playing what you were playing.
Play alone or don't say mean things and play together.
coolconfidentme 06:51 AM 05-22-2013
I have one DCB who does this. I started to intervene, but my other DCKs took matters in their own hands. They won't play with him when he does this. When he whines to me about it, I said, "You weren't very nice to them, maybe you should treat them nicer & see what happens."
daycarediva 06:53 AM 05-22-2013
Originally Posted by blandino:
I don't let them say "I am not your friend". I allow them to say "I don't want to play with you right now. Preferably followed by a reason for why thy don't want to play with them".
I think that can also help a child who is playing obnoxiously to understand why no one wants to be his friend/play with him.
EXACTLY this, almost to the word. I don't let them say "I am not your friend". I allow them to say "I don't want to play with you right now. Preferably followed by a reason for why thy don't want to play with them".
I think that can also help a child who is playing obnoxiously to understand why no one wants to be his friend/play with him.
I intervene, like any other not nice thing that they say, and help them use words to say "I don't want to play with you right now because _____ "
I don't force friendships, but I do NOT let them be unkind to each other.
crazydaycarelady 06:54 AM 05-22-2013
I get that plus I also hear "you don't get to come to my birthday!"
I intervene and talk about hurt feelings when they do this (mostly girls BTW!)
I intervene and talk about hurt feelings when they do this (mostly girls BTW!)
Willow 07:36 AM 05-22-2013
Originally Posted by EntropyControlSpecialist:
Do you let kids say to each other, "I'm not your friend! HMPH!" every time they don't get their way with another child and then go off and pout with great frequency or do you intervene?
I'd squash that drama like a bug....Do you let kids say to each other, "I'm not your friend! HMPH!" every time they don't get their way with another child and then go off and pout with great frequency or do you intervene?
"Oooh, well that's to bad, grumpers play alone and that's not very much fun!" (and then I'd engage bullied kiddo in something awesome, maybe going so far as to purposefully exclude the bully from if they turned around and tried to make nice again just so they could play too - "naw, you're not kiddos friend anymore so you don't want to play with her anymore....remember?").
Good lesson in the cause and effect and the power of our words.
I don't do bullying and manipulation here. Sounds harsh but the only way to cut that junk out with a child who has learned to hurt people with it and chooses that route often is to hand it right back.
When the light bulb comes on have a discussion about alternatives to the conflict and next time encourage kiddo to express what they're really feeling.....angry, frustrated, sad.....tell them they can come to you for help if they need it....."Miss J, friend K won't play what I want her to and it's making me angry, what do I do?" ("well, why don't you ask friend L if she'd like to play instead, or find another activity, offer a compromise - I'll play what you'd like friend K or L if after we're done we play what I want -, or tell them you'll engage in the activity with them). Give them the words to do it differently and the solution to resolve the conflict in the future so they realize there are other options besides lashing out.
EntropyControlSpecialist 07:41 AM 05-22-2013
It's actually my boys that are doing it and it's been happening for the past 2 weeks. I haven't intervened thus far because sometimes it's for good reason. However, the chronic sayer of it (age 4) is making my ears bleed by constantly pouting and saying it. The times are changing...
Willow 07:49 AM 05-22-2013
Pouters pout in the take a break chair away from the group because no one (ie. me) wants to hear or see it 
I have yet to have a kiddo pout past the first few days they try it.
Kiddos can have all the feelings they want, but persistent negativity does not get an audience here.
I have yet to have a kiddo pout past the first few days they try it.
Kiddos can have all the feelings they want, but persistent negativity does not get an audience here.
Cradle2crayons 07:53 AM 05-22-2013
Originally Posted by Willow:
Pouters pout in the take a break chair away from the group because no one (ie. me) wants to hear or see it
I have yet to have a kiddo pout past the first few days they try it.
Kiddos can have all the feelings they want, but persistent negativity does not get an audience here.
Pouters pout in the take a break chair away from the group because no one (ie. me) wants to hear or see it
I have yet to have a kiddo pout past the first few days they try it.
Kiddos can have all the feelings they want, but persistent negativity does not get an audience here.
EntropyControlSpecialist 09:20 AM 05-22-2013
Originally Posted by Willow:
Pouters pout in the take a break chair away from the group because no one (ie. me) wants to hear or see it
I have yet to have a kiddo pout past the first few days they try it.
Kiddos can have all the feelings they want, but persistent negativity does not get an audience here.
Pouting annoys me to look at, to be honest, so I will likely start sending them away from the group whenever it occurs. It's the boys. They'll try to make a big deal out of them going off to pout with their arms folded and HMPHing all the way there. Both these boys are doted on at home and have no rules. Pouters pout in the take a break chair away from the group because no one (ie. me) wants to hear or see it
I have yet to have a kiddo pout past the first few days they try it.
Kiddos can have all the feelings they want, but persistent negativity does not get an audience here.
Your SAHM can dote on you all she wants but the 45 hours/week you're here that won't happen.
MNMum 07:50 PM 05-22-2013
Originally Posted by EntropyControlSpecialist:
Do you let kids say to each other, "I'm not your friend! HMPH!" every time they don't get their way with another child and then go off and pout with great frequency or do you intervene?
I have this kid. It's my own. Ughhh. He has 2 older sisters that have taught him a lot of drama. I didn't intervene initially, but now I have been, as it is happening more frequently.Do you let kids say to each other, "I'm not your friend! HMPH!" every time they don't get their way with another child and then go off and pout with great frequency or do you intervene?
EntropyControlSpecialist 05:39 AM 05-23-2013
We had a group discussion yesterday about why we won't be saying that any longer and what we will say instead. We talked about how our friends might feel when we say that to them and talked about if it was a nice thing to say. The children were very active in expressing their opinions about it and I had no one say it the rest of the day. "I don't want to play with you right now" was used instead.
"I don't want to play with you right now" was used instead.
MsMimi 12:25 PM 05-23-2013
I remind my kids to use nice words, even when they're mad. If they're saying mean things, they play by themselves until they're ready to be nice. If they pout they go sit in the quiet corner until they feel better. I don't do pouting 
MarinaVanessa 12:53 PM 05-23-2013
When "I'm not going to be your friend" happens I say
"And that's okay. You don't have to be their friend if you don't want to. Go play toys" all with a pleasant smile and cheerful tone. The child is then redirected to another activity. In a few minutes the child is back to playing with the group or child anyway. Why make it a big deal.
In many cases the child is just trying to give the other child(ren) an ultimatum to get their way so if they see that it isn't going to go the way they planned they quickly learn that it's a useless phrase. The other children (that were threatened by not being friends with her) just go back to playing without said child after I say my piece which helps. our friend" comment.
If the child saying they don't want to be friends has said it because another child or children are being mean to her out of spite then I address that issue and ignore the "I don't want to be y
** I am one of those that believes that kids have a choice about whether or not they want to be friends. I don't force friendships on each other.
"And that's okay. You don't have to be their friend if you don't want to. Go play toys" all with a pleasant smile and cheerful tone. The child is then redirected to another activity. In a few minutes the child is back to playing with the group or child anyway. Why make it a big deal.
In many cases the child is just trying to give the other child(ren) an ultimatum to get their way so if they see that it isn't going to go the way they planned they quickly learn that it's a useless phrase. The other children (that were threatened by not being friends with her) just go back to playing without said child after I say my piece which helps. our friend" comment.
If the child saying they don't want to be friends has said it because another child or children are being mean to her out of spite then I address that issue and ignore the "I don't want to be y
** I am one of those that believes that kids have a choice about whether or not they want to be friends. I don't force friendships on each other.